Archive of Our Own

‘It’s going to be alright.’
He smiles at her then, and he’s so… so sure of himself. So secure. So un-Simon. ‘I should know. I’m from the future.’

+

This is how it’s supposed to go:

They fall in love all over again, except it’s not the future or the past for either of them - it just is - and they fuck off to Vegas and have mind blowing sex happily ever after. And yeah, shit still happens. How could it not when it’s them, but they’re together, and honestly she’s never been loved better. And Simon becomes future-Simon, and Alisha becomes future-Alisha, and it’s all alright. Just like future-Simon said it would be.

(This is how it doesn’t go: Alisha and Simon walk into the community centre, sharing Simon’s earbuds. She dies in his arms.)

+

This is how it goes:


The door isn’t locked. It rarely is, but even then there’s a spare key under a peeling bit of carpet in the hall outside the flat, so it’s open access at all hours.

Alisha doesn’t mean to spend as much time there as she does, at first - she never meant to get so comfortable with any of them. With any of it. It’s just so easy. The bar is a five minute walk away, rather than the ten from her place, and, though she’d never admit it, it’s just so much nicer than the cold, grey box she lives in.

Simon, present-Simon had said it was hers, when she tried to give him the key. Said she deserved it far more than he did, and at the time she’d been grateful. Truly. Had curled up on the unwashed sheets and missed her Simon. But now going down the elevator feels like some low-budget time travel of its own, like everytime she goes home she’s going back to a dream she isn’t sure she wants anymore. So she ends up at the flat more often than not. And it is, it’s easy there. Easy in a way she’s never had before.

+

(I’m not that person anymore.

I know.)

+

When Alisha finishes her shift at the bar she heads down the street, turns left instead of right at the intersection. The flat door’s unlocked; she steps into the living room and takes her shoes off by the door, calls out,

‘Hello?’

Nathan Jr. gurgles a little bit. He’s lying in his cot on his back, Alisha crosses over to him and wiggles her fingers at him, chucks him under the chin. ‘Hi,’ she says, voice soft. ‘Hiya, baby boy. Where’s your mum, hm? Or your… weird gay uncles?’

Junior grins at her. He opens his little starfish hands and she touches the pads of her fingertips to his much smaller ones, tweaks his baby nose. There’s a rattle as the door leading to the small balcony slides open; Alisha straightens up and looks over at Marnie who’s peering inside.

‘Oh,’ she says, visibly relaxing. ‘Alisha. Hi.’  

‘Hi.’ Alisha smiles, or tries to. She doesn’t know Marnie all that well; doesn’t have anything against her, either, but she’s never been good with other girls. Kelly is the closest female friend she’s had in years and that happened as a result of convenience more than anything. Marnie nods, withdraws back onto the balcony. Alisha, having nothing better to do - and not much wanting to go home - follows.

‘What you doin’?’ she asks, closing the door behind her. Marnie shrugs. She’s leaning against the balcony, holding a cigarette in both hands and gazing at it.

‘Are you smokin’?’ Alisha rounds on her. Despite a lack of maternal instincts, she knows that shit isn’t good for babies. Everyone knows that. Fucking Nathan knows, for christs’ sake. Marnie frowns.

‘No,’ she says. She pockets the unlit cigarette. Then, ‘why’ve you got a great fat bruise around your neck?’

Alisha raises her hand instinctually to the skin of her neck and traces the line of the wound.

‘Some psycho tried to hang me yesterday.’

‘Why?’

She shrugs. ‘Cause she thought this guy Rudy was cheatin’ on her when it turns out there’s actually two of him.’

Marnie squints. ‘Is this more of that power bullshit?’

‘Yeah.’

She reaches out and brushes the tips of her fingers over the wound on Alisha’s neck.

‘Are you alright?’

Alisha suppresses a shiver at Marnie’s touch. The skin is tender after all, and she’s still getting used to the fact that she can make skin to skin contact with people again.

‘Fine. Kelly sorted it out.’

‘So the psycho fucked off?’

‘Yeah. Always do, one way or another. I got off easy, anyway, the other girl, the one she thought she was bein’ cheated on with? She ended up in hospital. Stab wound.’ Alisha grimaces. ‘So, what about you? What’ve you been up to?’

She doesn’t know how to do this, after all. Talk to someone just - just normally. Before, she would talk to guys and revel in her power over them, girls and their jealousy of her.

She’s trying not to be that person anymore, someone who takes without asking, but she never said it didn’t have it’s perks. So far her new schtick is just boring and awkward. Marnie shrugs. She’s fiddling with the outline of the cigarette in her pocket, Alisha can see it.

‘Absolutely fuck all. Ever since havin’ the little one I’ve barely set foot outside this apartment.’

‘Aren’t you bored?’

Marnie glares at her. ‘Out of my fucking mind.’

‘Could Nathan and Simon, like, babysit?’

As soon as she says it, Alisha winces slightly, but maybe it would be ok with the both of them there?

‘They could,’ Marnie agrees. ‘Then what?’

‘I could take you out for a night.’

Marnie looks vaguely surprised by the offer. Alisha’s a little surprised at it herself, if she’s being honest. ‘Alright,’ Marnie says. ‘What d’you wanna do?’

Alisha hadn’t thought that far. She shrugs, uncomfortable. Says,

‘Come to a self-defence class with me?’

+

(I have to save you.

You don’t have to do anything. You already saved me.

I’ll always save you.)

+

See, the thing is, without her power Alisha feels oddly - naked. Despite the fact that it was a weapon against her more often than not in the end, she’s still vulnerable now it’s gone. Sex was her ‘power’ long before that stupid storm and when the weird drug dealer guy had taken it away, Alisha had half hoped he’d take with him the person that power had been borne of, too. Poetic bullshit.

So after she sold her power she went looking for…something. Different.

And there were self defence classes at the community centre.

Two weeks after they kill Jesus she takes her first one.

+

It’s a strange feeling, voluntarily spending time in the community center. Even stranger having fond memories connected with it. Like a grubby cat that you end up patting because it won’t leave you alone, the community centre sticks around.

The self defence class, held in the main room, is taught by a steel-haired Canadian lesbian called Helen who brings her own mats and boxing gloves for people to use and has forearms like iron rods. She greets all the regulars as they file in on the Wednesday evening, smiling at Alisha and Marnie as they enter.

‘Friend of yours?’ she asks. Alisha nods.

‘Just had a baby,’ she says. ‘Needed a bit of a break.’

Helen grins and offers Marnie a mat. ‘This’ll be just the thing, then,’ she says.

The classes are always an hour, beginning with a warm up, then practicing old techniques and learning a few new ones. Alisha sweats unattractively though the thin grey cotton of her tank top, but even that feels like a revelation. No one wants to fuck her when she stinks, when her hair is plastered to her forehead and her face is screwed up with effort. Next to her, Marnie is pretty much the same - a little sweatier, a little more worn out due to her lack of experience - but when they make eye contact Marnie beams at her. It’s the feeling of sloughing off all that other shit and just punching the crap out of something that does it, and Alisha beams back.

Goes home later and looks in the mirror at the distinct lines in her forearms that are beginning to form. Beams some more.

After the class is over Marnie says,

‘They do this every Wednesday?’

Now, unexpectedly, along with all her shifts at the bar Alisha has another weekly engagement. And then all of a sudden, the scheduled hour of time she’s now spending with Marnie bleeds out into the rest of the week. They’re practicing together on Marnie’s tiny balcony, she’s having dinner at the flat, helping out with Nathan Jr., spending hours without even the rest of their little gang, just her and Marnie in that three-room space, watching movies and talking about fucking anything, laughing. Because Marnie is funny, funny like Nathan only a bit kinder, a bit softer, a bit less obtuse and they sit on the couch swapping stories -

‘Worst was this bloke from Athens, right. Met him at a Marks and Spencers, next thing you know we’re fuckin’ in the disabled toilet and he keeps callin’ me ‘Betty,’ which is alright, but then he goes ‘n sticks his cock in my-’

‘We couldn’t get the stain out of the backseat of the car for, like, seven months-’

‘The only one I know for sure isn’t the father is Charlie, and that’s ‘cause she was the only other one there with a twat -’

Marnie can make her laugh harder than anyone she’s ever met, Alisha finds out. Stomach cramping, gut aching laughter that - if she’s being honest - rivals sex with Future-Simon in terms of best things she’s ever felt.

‘She’s like a better version of you,’ Alisha tells Nathan one day while they’re all watching Love Island reruns. Marnie, who’s just finished an anecdote about the best party she’s ever been to, nods; Nathan has the audacity to look incredulous from where he’s got his arms looped around Simon’s own like some incredibly irritating backpack. 

‘But she’s Welsh!’ he exclaims.

‘And you’re Irish,’ Marnie cracks back. 

‘I’m Welsh,’ Simon says, mildly, before Nathan can respond. Nathan scoffs, glaring between the three of them. 

‘Well. Still.’ He looks over at Alisha for a moment, then leers. ‘So, do you love her?’ 

She throws a plastic fork at him. Nathan Jr. burps over his mother’s shoulder.

+

(All you did was make me hate myself.)

+

Two weeks after they’ve started their little routine, Marnie doesn’t show up for the class. Alisha had made her way to the centre straight after work that day, expecting to see Marnie already occupying one of the two matts they’d kind of claimed, but she wasn’t there. Not when Helen was walking them through their stretches, or when they were going over the moves from last week, not even when they start practicing the new move of the week - headlock and a following kick to the groin. After the class is over she walks straight to Marnie’s appointment and knocks on the door. Simon is the one who answers, and looks out at her.

‘Alisha?’

‘Alisha!’ Kelly’s sitting on the couch. ‘You alright?’

‘Fine. Where’s Marnie?’

‘On the balcony - are... are you sure you’re alright?’

‘Yeah.’ Alisha brushes him aside, wipes a line of residual sweat off her forehead. ‘Are you gonna let me in?’

‘Oh.’

He stands back, and without another word she pushes past him, crossing the flat in three steps and stepping out onto the balcony where Marnie is standing, unlit cigarette in hand.

‘What is it with you?’ Alisha asks, gesturing at the fag hanging limply between Marnie’s two fingers. She shrugs, pockets the thing.

‘How was class?’

Annoyance, surprising amounts of it, prickles in Alisha’s veins.

‘Alright,’ she says. ‘Where were you?’

Marnie shrugs again. 

‘You coulda said you didn’t want to come. I saw you yesterday.’   

‘I just-’ Marnie clears her throat, ‘didn’t feel up to it. Is all.’

‘You alright?’ Alisha steps a little closer to her, peers at Marnie’s face. She does look pale, maybe paler than usual - although it’s hard to tell sometimes. Annoyance is tempered by worry - and a twist of confusion, Alisha doesn’t often find herself tutting over her friends like a school nurse. But she takes another look at Marnie anyway.

‘’M fine.’ Marnie moves backwards, away from Alisha. ‘What’d you do today, anyway?’

Alisha raises her eyebrows, considering. ‘I dunno - can’t really explain it. Like a weird headlock, and then you kick -’ she mimes the movement. ‘I could, y’know. Show you.’

Which is how she ends up with Marnie’s arms wrapped securely around her head, their faces close enough that if she moves slightly she can feel the damp brush of Marnie’s cheek against her forehead. From this distance, Marnie’s eyelashes seem ridiculously long. Alisha is sweating again, and even though she just did an hour of this she doesn’t feel tired. Marnie sweeps her round, just like Alisha had showed her, and mimes kneeing her in the crotch. Then she lets go. Alisha straightens up, rubbing the back of her neck and grinning.  

‘That’s basically it.’

‘I like it.’ Marnie repeats the kneeing motion, and glances at Alisha. Holds her gaze. ‘Y’know, you’re a good teacher.’

A tiny ember. A flicker of something deep and warm in the pit of Alisha’s stomach. Marnie pushes her fringe away from her forehead and it clings to her temples, Alisha wets her mouth.

‘Yeah?’ she asks, a little hoarsely. No one’s ever - no one’s ever -

‘Yeah.’ Marnie wrinkles her nose. ‘Not, like, Helen-good. But good.’

‘Well maybe don’t miss Helen’s class next time, then, yeah?’ Alisha jabs back, and they both snicker.

‘You wanna stay for dinner?’

‘Alright,’ Alisha agrees. The ember glows.

+

She imagines, one class. Imagines she was up the front, showing these girls how to kick and punch, how to fight, how to protect themselves. And then when they’re done for the day, while Marnie is rolling up their mats she approaches Helen, and asks how she did it. Became a teacher.

Just out of curiosity.

Just so she knows.

+

Marnie comes over to Alisha’s apartment the next day to practice again, and Alisha gives it a little test run. Helps Marnie, nudges her into the right positions, gives her tips.

‘You’re really good at that,’ Marnie says offhandedly. They’re standing at the kitchen sink for a break, and Marnie’s got sweat in shiny lines across her clavicle. Alisha shrugs.

‘Not bad.’ She nods at Marnie. ‘You’re gettin’ good at this one.’

‘It’s cause I like imaginin’ their faces.’ Marnie makes a stomping movement, the one they’d been practicing. She grins. ‘Satisfyin’ stuff.’  

‘I know.’ Alisha copies her, slamming her foot into the ground. It makes a loud, dull thud - Alisha feels the reverberations up her leg. ‘That’d cause some damage.’

After Marnie leaves Alisha sits on the edge of her bed and realises, belatedly, that this is the happiest she’s felt inside her own apartment for a long time. Since Future-Simon lived here, in fact. The happiest - and most comfortable. And that might be even including Future-Simon, who, despite being an attentive and considerate lover, never made her feel wholly comfortable. He was too… mysterious. Too removed, from her life, her very timeline. She wasn’t even his, in the way he was hers. To him, there was always another Alisha.

To Marnie, there would only ever be one.

Alisha shakes her head suddenly at the thought. Lying back on the bed she gazes up at the futuristic ceiling. Marnie had made the apartment seem smaller. Less echo-y. She’d just... felt more at home with Marnie here.

Alisha groans, aloud. Then she rolls over, and calls Curtis.

+

‘So.’

‘So what?’

Curtis raises an eyebrow and Alisha tries hard not to feel embarrassed. It’s not easy, they’re alone at the bar and she’s sitting on one of the stools trying to feel out - well.

‘You called me. ’

‘I know.’

But who else was she supposed to call? Simon? Nathan? Kelly maybe, but her instinct had been to dial Curtis’ number. Hadn’t even thought about it. After all, they’d dated a little over two months. And Curtis knows her. Properly knows her. So. She sighs, short and frustrated.

‘How’s it going with Nikki?’ she asks for something to fill up the silence. Curtis raises an eyebrow.

‘’S fine,’ he says. ‘We’re good.’ Then he leans over the counter, gets close to her. ‘You alright?’ he asks. Alisha shrugs.

‘I dunno,’ she mutters. ‘Just - got some shit goin’ on.’

Curtis scowls suddenly. ‘If someone’s bein’ a dick-’

‘Nah, not that. I just - ’ god, she feels so… uncertain. It’s irritating, to say the least. ‘I like someone.’

‘Oh.’ Curtis pulls back, returns to wiping down the glasses. ‘Why’d you wanna tell me about it? Isn’t this stuff better for non-exes, like?’

‘Probably.’ Alisha reaches behind the bar and grabs the vodka, slops some into her empty shot glass and downs it in one.

‘That bad?’

She makes a face, Curtis shakes his head - fondly exasperated. She’s happy for him, really. There had been a few weeks where she couldn’t stand to look at him and Nikki, no matter how unfair it was. She’d left him, after all. But then things hadn’t turned out how they’d been supposed to and he was just perfectly happy while she had been -

But now it’s fine. And Curtis had seen her at her worst. Hell, Curtis had been a victim of her powers as much as she had. And he’d forgiven her. She swallows.

‘I never said - sorry.’

‘Huh?’

‘Sorry. For. Y’know. Before.’

Curtis is frowning slightly; Alisha rolls her eyes.

‘For when I used my power on you.’

‘Oh.’ He looks almost bemused, bent over the bench and watching as she fidgets with the shot glass. ‘What is with you tonight?’

‘I just-’ she presses her lips together, hot, familiar anger flaring where it has no place. ‘I just wanted to… to say I’m sorry. Alright?’

‘Alright.’ He shrugs. ‘Thanks.’

She grits her teeth. Tiptoeing around is getting her fucking nowhere. ‘Y’know Marnie?’ she says, throwing the words out of her mouth with as much force as she can muster. Curtis nods, his look of confusion deeping by the moment.

‘I like her, alright?’ Alisha screws up her face. They’re both silent, Alisha filling her glass again, Curtis rhythmically wiping the one in his hands. Finally he sets it down on the bench.

‘I still don’t get why you’re tellin’ me - what are you tellin’ me? That you’re a lesbian?’

‘Nah.’ Alisha had - briefly - considered that. But it was pretty easy to dismiss, she was still a fan of guys in general. A big fan. Only it was turning out, she didn’t mind girls either. ‘I dunno.’

‘She’s… nice?’

Alisha snorts. Curtis looks slightly affronted, but less so when she smiles at him.

‘Well, I dunno,’ he huffs.

‘I don’t fuckin’ know either.’

‘You want another drink?’ he says finally, after another long moment of silence. Alisha nods.

‘And I’m gonna want another one after that,’ she says.

‘Figured.’          

+

After she’s talked the coma girl into giving Kelly back her body, Alisha goes straight home. It’s a Wednesday, she’s supposed to be going to the class in the afternoon - is supposed to meet Marnie at the community centre. But instead she walks all the way back to the big, grey box where she sleeps and curls up in the blankets.

Kelly had thanked her, of course. They’d all been looking at her, Simon, Kelly, Nathan, Rudy, even Curtis, like they hadn’t seen it coming in a million years. Since when does Alisha Daniels stick her neck out like that? Since when does Alisha Daniels hold her hands out, palms up, to a girl in the body of one of her best friends, to a girl who’s holding a weapon in trembling fingers, and convince her to give that body back .

The blankets don’t smell like Simon anymore, her Simon. They haven’t for over four months now, but suddenly she misses it. Misses him. Wonders if his Alisha Daniels was the kind of person who could do something like that.

She falls asleep wondering, and wakes up to Marnie shaking her shoulder. She looks worried, which is really the final straw as far as Alisha’s concerned. People don’t worry about her. They admire her, they lust over her, they hate her, but they don’t worry.

‘What.’

‘You weren’t at practice.’ Marnie frowns. ‘Have you ever missed one before? Helen asked after you n’ everything.’ She leans in a little, looks Alisha full in the face. ‘You alright?’

‘Fine.’

‘Simon told me what you did today. With that coma girl.’

‘Great.’ She gets to her feet. ‘Weird kid can’t keep his fuckin’ mouth shut.’

‘What’s up your arse? You saved Kelly’s life!’

‘And the other girl died ‘cause of me.’

‘She was gonna die anyway.’

‘Whatever.’

‘Why’re you bein’ such a -’

‘A what?’ Alisha twists on her heel to face Marnie. ‘Bitch? Cow? Cunt?’ This is much more familiar territory. Marnie sets her jaw.

‘You did a good thing.’

‘Yeah, well, that’s just it, isn’t it? I don’t do shit like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like… like savin’ people! Like swoopin’ in and bein’ the fuckin’ hero. But now I do, apparently, so, what, am I s’posed to go around, like, talkin’ down jumpers? Rescuin’ people from burnin’ buildings?’

Marnie is staring at her now, a mixture of bemused and incredulous. ‘What the fuck are you talkin’ about?’

‘I’m talkin’ about how I don’t do shit like that, alright? That’s not me! I am not that person! I will never be that person!’

‘Why not?’  

‘Cause I can’t ,’ Alisha snaps, ‘be goin’ around and just-’ she stops. Sighs. ‘Can you just fuck off?’  

She’s not a hero. The only hero she ever thought she knew died in her arms with a bullet in his chest and then it turned out maybe he wasn’t that much of a hero anyway, and besides, she can’t be a hero; as much as she wants to play and pretend otherwise she’ll always be the same, entitled and selfish, because isn’t it easier to be what people expect you to be? At least then you’re not disappointing anyone. You’re not letting anyone down.  No one’s surprised when they buy a can and open it up to find exactly what it says on the label. If there’s no label, whatever may be inside the can is a mystery. An uncertainty.

People can be disappointed by uncertainties. She turns her back on Marnie, says over her shoulder,

‘Go away, yeah?’

‘Never pegged you for a coward,’ Marnie says, almost cheerfully. Alisha doesn’t move. The door to the lift rattles open, then closed, and Alisha closes her eyes.

‘I just don’t want to be this person anymore,’ the girl had said. Looking at her out of Kelly’s eyes, speaking with Kelly’s voice. Alisha had looked right back.

‘Then don’t be.’

She knocks on the door at close to eleven in the evening, listens to Marnie undoing the locks and opening it up to stare out at her.

‘I’m puttin’ Junior to bed,’ she says, standing back to let Alisha in. ‘You better keep quiet.’ Nathan Jr. is over her shoulder, dressed up in a little yellow onesie. Alisha rubs the material on her fingers. It’s soft. Junior has his head curled into Marnie’s neck, little starfish fingers spread out over her collarbone.

‘You were right,’ she says, following Marnie into the room where Junior’s cot is, watching Marnie lean down and lie him out on the blankets. His eyes are closed, she can see that, and he yawns toothlessly. He came out of Marnie. She made him and had him in a room full of strangers and promised to keep him, to look after him even though she was all alone. ‘I was bein’ a coward.’

‘Didn’t take long.’ Marnie steps away from Junior. He smacks his lips together, but otherwise remains quiet.

Alisha shrugs. She doesn’t like being wrong. ‘Yeah well. I thought you should know.’

Together they walk quietly out of the room, Marnie pulls the door closed behind her. On the balcony the air is cold and heavy where in Junior’s room it had been warm and sweet-smelling. Alisha wraps her arms around herself.

I don’t want to be this person anymore.

‘Could -’ she grits her teeth. ‘You wanna show me what we did in class today?’

Marnie crosses her arms, looks at Alisha for a moment. ‘Sure,’ she says finally. Then she adds, ‘won’t be as good at explainin’ it as Helen is. Or you.’

The ember simmers.

+

They cram into the flat the night Kelly quits her council job for good. Rudy is invited too, another member added to their odd fucking circus, but he’s mellowed out a lot since college and turns out to be a pretty decent guy to hang out with. That means, however, another person needs to squish their way onto the couch and eventually it ends up so that, in order to fit them all, Nikki opts to sit on the floor between Curtis’ legs and Rudy is perched on the back of the couch, liable to fall if he gestures too vigorously. Alisha ends up pressed between the right arm and Marnie, who has Junior cradled in her lap. Which would be fine except for two things, one being the knowing looks Curtis has taken to throwing her every now and then over the back of the sofa, and the second being her sudden and inexplicable inability to cope with the feeling of Marnie’s bare arm against hers.

It’s stupid, honestly. She’s been with… more people than she can remember at this point, fucked guys in the backs of cars, cinema bathrooms; she once got felt up at a soccer game and now she’s feeling all tingly just ‘cause Marnie’s warm and every time she laughs Alisha can feel the vibrations down her side?

Fucking pathetic.

But then, less than halfway through the movie, Marnie excuses herself. Alisha watches her go, handing Nathan Jr. to his namesake who - surprisingly - takes it in his stride, tucking the little one into the crook of his arm. Which is good. With Marnie gone she can focus on the movie more. She’s not as distracted. There’s more space on the couch, too, for all of them, and even though Alisha is a little colder without Marnie next to her it’s -

Outside, with the warm air of the flat has misted up the windows. When Alisha looks through into the flat the tv screen and the people are all brightly coloured smudges. Marnie isn’t a bright smudge. She’s dressed in a black sweater, backed against the dark night sky. Her hands are the brightest thing on the balcony. And she’s holding a cigarette again.

‘Hey.’

Alisha leans up against the rails, the metal cold on her skin.

‘Hey.’ Marnie doesn’t put the fag away. She picks at one of the ends.

‘Where d’you keep gettin’ these?’

‘I’ve got a pack.’ Marnie pulls it out of the pocket of her top and balances it on the handrail. Alisha takes the packet, looks at the image of an infected lung.

‘Why?’

‘I used to smoke,’ she mutters.

Alisha shrugs. ‘I still smoke. Only, like, weed but-‘

‘I couldn’t believe it when they told me I was gonna have a baby. I thought I’d fucked up my twat too bad with all the drugs and gettin’ kicked in the cunt when I was twelve.’

Alisha winces. ‘Jesus.’

Marnie’s still holding the cigarette. ‘I stopped smokin’ though. When they told me.’

‘Yeah, like everyone does?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So-‘

Marnie shrugs. ‘What’re you doin’ out here, anyway? Why aren’t you watchin’ the movie?’

Alisha’s cardigan is not at all effective against the cold; she balls the material in her hands and pulls it down over her fists. It doesn’t help. ‘Wondered where you were,’ she says, shortly. Looks away. ‘You should throw that away, y’know.’

They both look at the cigarette. Marnie rubs it between her fingers; she looks oddly mutinous.

And Alisha gets it.

‘Now who’s bein’ a coward?’ she says. Marnie glares.

‘Fuck off.’ It’s lacking heat though. Alisha smiles.

‘Yeah, yeah. So?’ She holds her hand out, palm up. Marnie hesitates, still.

‘What if I’m not cut out to be a mum?’ she says, very softly.

‘I don’t fuckin’ know.’ Alisha steps a little closer to Marnie and nudges her shoulder with her own. ‘But it’s freezing as shit out here.’

Marnie nods. She gives her the cigarette. Even now, skin against skin, it sends a crackle of fear down Alisha’s spine. Marnie’s hands are cold, her fingers catch Alisha’s, a little.  

They go back inside.

+

(Are you actually saying we saved the world?)

+

Alisha has to blink the blood out of her eye, which is more than a little disquieting. It dries sticky, a fact she’s far too familiar with, and she can feel it clumping her eyelashes together. She wipes at her cheek with her forearm, glances at Marnie. She’s just as blood-covered; her bat hangs loosely at her side.

‘D’you think we got ‘em all?’

They look down at the cheerleaders collapsed at their feet. Alisha nudges one of them; there are three altogether, and a fourth a little way down the corridor. Brains smashed out across the floor, just like Simon had told them.

‘I fuckin’ hope so.’

Learning self-defence is one thing. Bringing a baseball bat down on the head of a snarling, cheerleader-turned-zombie is another; even with all the shit their little gang gets into she’s never killed anyone before. It’s not a good feeling. She wipes at her cheek again, smearing blood over more blood, and grits her teeth.

‘I’ve never needed a shower so bad in my life ,’ she gripes. Marnie nods emphatically. Then, behind them, there’s a loud yowl. They turn together, weapons brandished, and a streak of orange zips past them into the community centre locker room, Alisha hisses,

‘It’s that fucking cat!’

They burst into the locker room. The cat is crouched atop one of the lockers, back arched and making an odd, guttural noise as they approach. They advance to a certain point then stop, staring at the cat.

‘Whadda we do?’ Alisha whispers. She doesn’t take her eye off the animal. She feels Marnie shrug next to her, re-adjusts her grip on her weapon. There are strands of hair stuck across her forehead and neck that itch. The cat tenses - absurdly, it’s butt wriggles - it leaps into the air -

Marnie swings her bat across its path with both hands. The cat lands on the floor with a wet thud, Marnie raises her bat again; brings it down over its head.

It doesn’t move again.

The community centre is silent.  

Alisha whispers, ‘holy shit.’ She looks away from the ruined animal to Marnie. ‘You killed it.’

Marnie’s breathing heavily. ‘Not a big fan of cats,’ she says, and Alisha moves close, closer, letting her bat fall to the ground.

‘I think you just saved the world,’ she says, quietly. A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. Marnie’s chest moves up and down, she looks vaguely surprised at the words.

‘No I didn’t.’

‘Yeah you did.’ Alisha stops short just in front of her. She feels giddy. ‘Proper superhero.’

Marnie exhales. Her lips twitch.

‘Alright,’ she says, ‘maybe I did.’

Alisha almost can’t help herself. But she’s a new person, so she can. Just barely. She licks her lips and tastes the blood there.

‘I need a shower,’ she repeats, her voice crackling. In the locker-room, Marnie’s eyes are dark. She drags her hand down the side of Alisha’s neck; it catches against the tacky blood drying there. Then she smirks.

‘I’m not bein’ funny, but you seriously do.’

‘Yeah.’ Alisha takes a handful of Marnie’s top and tugs it, then lets go. ‘So d’you.’  

+

(So, what are you going to do with it?

I’m going to make a girl fall in love with me.)

+

They go to class on Wednesday and Helen waves at them when they set their mats down. It’s a hard session, maybe the hardest Alisha’s been to yet, so she’s not surprised when Marnie asks if they can go over some of the new moves at her apartment when they class is over.

Alisha spreads the mats out on the grey floor at her flat.

‘Which ones d’you wanna do?’ she asks.

‘That last one. The one with the slam at the end.’ Marnie shrugs, looking at Alisha with wide eyes. ‘I just didn’t, like, quite get it.’

There’s a humming under Alisha’s skin. She’s buzzing, gently. They get into the position, Marnie gripping the front of Alisha’s t-shirt.

‘So, like.’ Alisha licks her lips. ‘You step in close, yeah?’

Marnie does as instructed.

‘Then, like, step your leg behind -’ Alisha demonstrates; Marnie copies. ‘Push forward and, like, kinda push my ankle. Unbalance me, so-’ she stumbles backwards, dropping down onto the mat. Marnie’s still on her feet, leaning bent over her. She’s still gripping Alisha’s shirt. ‘Like that,’ Alisha finishes, breathlessly, and Marnie nods.

‘Right,’ she says. Her eyes flicker between Alisha’s. ‘Like that.’

‘Was there another move-’ Alisha tries to ask, except Marnie drops down so Alisha is lying flat on her back, and Marnie’s propped up with her hands either side of Alisha’s head. ‘Was there another move you wanted to go over?’ she asks, looking up at Marnie from her new vantage point. Marnie shrugs; nods.

‘Yeah,’ she says, ‘yeah, just -’ and then her mouth is pressing against Alisha’s. Messily. The back of Marnie’s neck is slick as Alisha wraps her arms around it, pulling Marnie all the way down - she didn’t take this she was given it - Marnie’s hair brushes her cheek damply and they’re still sweaty from the class, Marnie’s face is pink with exertion and it feels-

Marnie makes a small noise against her mouth. She kisses intensely; Alisha’s never been kissed like this before.   

It sounds crazy even as she’s thinking it, she thought she’d been kissed all the ways there were to be kissed, but now Marnie’s hot mouth is open against hers and it’s… honest. Lying on the floor, the soft mat against her back and Marnie’s hands at her sides Alisha lets herself be kissed honestly for the first time, lets herself kiss back honestly, unpracticed, uncoordinated - Marnie laughs when they sit up, laughs at Alisha struggling to pull her top over her head and then helps, strips her own clothes off with ease,

‘I was wonderin’ when you’d figure it out,’ she says, mouthing her way across Alisha’s jaw.

‘Shut up,’ Alisha grits out, then laughs, high and surprised as Marnie bites her lip in response. ‘Shut up, just-’ she grabs Marnie’s face, frames it in her hands, grips it, beams. Kisses Marnie’s red, very red and very soft mouth, licks, sucks like she doesn’t want to do anything else for a long time. And she doesn’t. She really, really doesn’t.

‘Can you stay?’ she asks, muffled against skin. Feels Marnie nod.

‘Not, like, all night,’ she says. She’s breathing heavily, and suddenly looks oddly sheepish. Alisha’s throat is full. She runs her hand down Marnie’s cheek.

‘You miss Nathan Jr.?’

Marnie nods. ‘Come back with me?’

‘Yeah.’ She leans in, rubs her nose down Marnie’s neck. Kisses the soft spot under her jaw. ‘I will.’

+

Alisha falls asleep that night with Marnie beside her, looking up at a ceiling painted yellow.