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The tension in the room was thick.
After learning of the deal Alec had made with his father, Magnus had been overcome with a flood of different emotions. First confusion, then relief, joy, and finally (and most prominently) anger. As well intentioned as Alec may have been, he had caused Magnus a level of pain few had ever managed to do. What’s worse, he had nearly cost Magnus one of the best things that had ever happened to him. If it hadn’t been for Asmodeous’ interference, Magnus would have wiped out every joyful memory he and Alexander had ever shared and never known why.
He quickly portalled over to the Institute, all but kicking down the door to Alec’s office as he let his former lover know exactly what he thought of his self-sacrificing gesture. The conversation was going more less as he expected, but while Alec did apologize for the pain he caused Magnus, he infuriatingly would not apologize for the decision itself.
“That wasn’t your choice to make,” Magnus replied angrily, “It was my magic and giving it up was my choice. You should have talked to me before doing something so stupid!”
It was with that last line that something in Alec shifted. The look of grief and regret quickly disappeared and something sharper took its place.
“Talk to you?” Alec snapped, his own anger rising to the surface. “Talk to you? When do you ever talk to me? You constantly make decisions without telling me Magnus. You decided to go to Edom without telling me. You decided to get back your magic and trade away the apartment without talking to me! I had no idea about any of these decisions because you only tell me things when you have absolutely no choice.”
Magnus opened his mouth to refute but Alec continued on.
“You kept feeding me bullshit lines of ‘I’m fine’ and ‘I have everything I need right here’ when in reality you were actually miserable! How do you think that makes me feel when you don’t trust me enough to tell me how you’re feeling? It’s not like I don’t ask. I ask all the time but you just smile, pat me on the head and tell me what you think I want to hear.
“Everything is fine, until it’s not.” Alec spat. “Until you’re dying on the floor of my office.” Alec’s voice hitched, his eyes getting glassy at the memory. “By the angel, you had to get blackout drunk to finally admit how you felt– to admit how much you regretted what you did for me.”
“I don’t –”
“You do. You may not regret saving Jace but you can’t deny you regret what it cost you. So no, Magnus, I didn’t talk to you because I can’t trust you to be honest with me. All I have are your actions to judge and your actions made it very clear that you were willing to risk killing yourself rather than live without your magic. And since I can’t live without you, I did something to fix that – to save your life. If I don’t get to be a part of that life, so be it.”
With that, Alec seemed to finally run out of steam. He leaned back against his desk, scrubbing his hands over his face tiredly. Magnus took that moment to finally speak up, stepping cautiously toward his boyfriend.
“Alec… I’m sorry. I- I know I haven't been great about being honest about my feelings. I never meant– I want to let you in. I do. But time and time again I’ve trusted the wrong people. I let them see my weakness, and people like Camille and my father used that information to manipulate me. Since then, I’ve learned it’s just safer to keep those feelings to myself. I should have talked to you about what I was going through. But please know, it was never about anything you did, I promise you.”
“Isn’t it though?” Alec asked, finally looking up from his hands. “Ever since what happened with the Soul Sword, it feels like you’ve put a wall up around yourself. I know you said you forgave me but you’ve never really let me back in since then. Not when it comes to anything important.” Alec hugged himself protectively, now refusing to look at Magnus. “I don’t know what to do anymore Magnus.”
“You don’t need to do anything, Alexander. That’s what I keep saying. This, just like me losing my magic, is just something that’s going to take time. Until then, all you have to do is be there and trust that I’ll get there eventually.”
“I don’t think I do,” Alec replied sadly. “Trust you, I mean. That’s the problem. Ever since that fight, neither one of us fully trust each other anymore.”
“Well something needs to change because we can’t keep going on this way,” Magnus replied frustratedly.
Alec just shrugged in defeat. “Maybe…“
“Don’t you dare,” Magnus warned. He knew that tone. He could hear the sound of resignation in Alec’s voice and he was not going to let Alec give up on this relationship a second time.
“Alec, look at me.”
Alec reluctantly looked up at his boyfriend.
“Do you want to break up?” Magnus asked flatly.
“No," Alec replied quietly. "I love you. I just, I don’t know how we move forward from here.”
“We don’t need to know that. We just need to decide if we’re willing to try. I know I am. After everything we’ve been through these past few weeks, the one thing that is crystal clear is that I don’t want to live in a world without you in it Alexander.” Magnus reached forward, cupping Alec’s cheek. It was the first time they’d touched in nearly a week and Magnus burned for more.
“Are you willing to try?” Magnus asked tentatively. “I can’t promise to change overnight. I can’t promise I won’t occasionally fall into old habits. But I love you, and I’m not ready to give up on us.”
Magnus held his breath as he saw the wheels in Alec’s head turning. For a terrifying few seconds he wondered if Alec might refuse but finally he let out a tired breath and nodded.
“Okay."
With that Magnus pulled Alec forward, wrapping him in his arms.
“I love you,” Magnus heard Alec mumble into his shoulder.
The two of them stayed that way for several more minutes, swaying and holding each other. They had a lot to talk about still, a lot to work through. It would take many more painful conversations, but Magnus knew that he was willing to fight through them.
If one thing had been made clear this week it was that a life with his Alexander was a life worth fighting for.