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Atsushi looked around the office and sighed. It was late, most of the Agency had gone home for the night, but Atsushi had stayed. Rubbing one eye, he thought about what Kunikida had said.
“It’s only for a few hours. We just need to make sure nothing happens to these documents.” Kunikida’s voice echoed in his ear.
Atsushi eyed the safe on the floor. He wasn’t even sure what the documents were to be honest. No one would tell him. They had just shown up in a package earlier that week and they had taken shifts to keep them safe. He idly tapped his fingers on the desk and wondered. If they needed 24 hour protection, they must be really important.
“I wonder…” he muttered as he eyed the safe again.
He had been given the code, just in case something happened, but dare he use it? He shook his head and looked away. If he needed to know, they would have told him. He pulled out his phone and started to play around with it. He wasn’t very good with it, he could only do the most basic things with it, but Ranpo had put a game on there the other day. Maybe that would pass the time?
He quickly learned he wasn’t very good, but it was fun to play for a little while. His eyes soon started to hurt and he shut it off, rubbing them as he sat there. A quick glance told him that had only twenty minutes had passed. Looking around the office, he tried to find something else to occupy his time. He noted the books on the shelf nearby and got up to look at them. As his fingers trailed over the spines, he thought back to the library in the orphanage.
The room had been very small, just barely big enough to hold the four bookshelves and tiny table inside. The shelves had been filled with most old, beat up copies of books that people had donated, but to Atsushi, it had been a little slice of comfort. He had spent many days in that room, hiding from both staff and orphans alike, disappearing into world of fantasy and fiction. He had read all those books at least three or four times through before he had been kicked out.
He sighed and pulled his finger away. Just the thought of that small room made his chest ache. Though he had never really belonged, the orphanage was all he had for many years and there was still a small part of him that called it home. He shook his head and looked over the shelves again. He found all sorts of books he had never taken the time to really look at and it was clear that each book was placed there by an Agency member.
He found a book of mathematics with Kunikida’s name on the cover. He found a giant book of old detective stories with a candy stain in the corner, easily Ranpo’s. He found a book of romantic stories next to a book about human anatomy, clearly Naomi’s and Yosano’s respectively. He even found a book on lover suicides, so Dazai placed one there as well. As he continued to look over the books, there was a growing feeling in his chest that made him pause.
He turned away from the bookshelf and took the time to look around the office, taking the time to actually look around like he never got a chance to before. It was subtle, but still clear who sat where. Kunikida’s desk was neat and organized with a place for everything and everything in its place. Not a paper or pen out of line. Ranpo’s desk had a huge candy jar on it with a little cactus sitting on top. Naomi’s desk was covered in girly things and flowers. The more he looked, the more out of place he felt. Finally, he looked at his own desk. It was clean, but there was nothing on it, but work. No charms, no cute things, no nothing. It was empty, bare, barren. Atsushi just stared. How strange that he had never considered that before.
At the orphanage, you didn’t dare decorate your room or have anything of value that could be easily taken. Clothes were the only things he had ever had. No books, no toys, no nothing and that’s just how he had lived. Even thinking to his apartment, he still only had the bare minimum in there, nothing super special or important. So what did this mean?
He turned back to the book shelf and wondered what book he would put on there if he had a choice. Maybe a book of poems? But he really didn’t read poems very often and that was more Dazai’s style. Maybe a children’s book? There were a few he liked from his childhood that he would love to share, but that would be stupid, wouldn’t it? He would look so childish. The more ideas he got, the more hopeless it seemed. Was there really nothing of value to him that he wanted to share with the others?
He swallowed and looked at his desk. Maybe it would be easier to start with his desk? He stared at the empty work space and tried to picture it with different items on it. What about a plant? He wasn’t very good at remembering to water them though. It would certainly die under his watch. Maybe he could get some pictures? But of what? His brain seemed to fizzle out and he sighed, sitting on the armrest of the sofa as he stared at his desk.
“Am I really...that empty?” he asked.
He shook his head. No! There had to be something he could connect to! Something that made him happy. He paused before pulling out his wallet. Inside, he found a small picture of himself with a few of the Agency members. He didn’t even remember who had taken the picture. Maybe a passerby? The more he stared, the more he seemed to calm down. He saw Ranpo, Dazai, Yosano, Kenji, Naomi, Tanizaki, Kunikida and even Kyouka. Slowly he placed it on his desk and smiled. It was already starting to look better.
He stood up and stretched before looking at the time, startled by how much had passed. He only had an hour left of his shift. Yawning, he wandered around the office before stopping before the safe again. His thoughts had kept him from thinking about it, but now that he was staring at it, his curiosity almost couldn’t be contained. He bit his thumbnail and stared before shaking his head.
“Just leave it alone.” he muttered, walking away.
He sat back down at his desk and tried to play with his phone again. The minutes ticked by incredibly slow and he was starting to lose his mind. He was so tired and all he wanted to do was go home and go to bed.
“So tired.” he whined to no one.
His eyes drifted to the window and he stared at the crescent moon in the sky. Some days, he could still feel the tiger restlessly moving inside his mind. To think, they had been the same person all this time. He still struggled to wrap his mind around it some times. His phone chirruped to life just then and he blinked.
“Hello?” Atsushi answered.
“Atsushi-kun~ Could you be a dear and help me out?” Dazai’s voice sang from the other end.
“Uhhh sure, where are you?” Atsushi asked standing.
“On the roof~ Thank you so much!” Dazai hung up.
Atsushi got up and walked to the roof. There he found Dazai hanging from his jacket from the roof’s edge. The jacket was stuck on a nail and was the only thing keeping him from falling to his death.
“What happened?” Atsushi asked.
“Well, I was just standing here and I decided to try and jump, but my coat got stuck!” Dazai said cheerfully.
“Why not just take the coat off then?” Atsushi asked.
“You see, they say that most people regret jumping as they fall to the bottom and as I was hanging here, I realized that this is true. I do not want to jump to my death because that would be incredibly messy.” he said as Atsushi bent over and started to help him up.
On the roof, Dazai let out a laugh as Atsushi sighed, looking at him.
“So are you here to relieve me?” Atsushi asked.
“Nope~” he sang.
“Wait, then who is?” Atsushi asked.
“No idea!” Dazai said.
Atsushi just sighed again. He was very tired and he hoped someone would come soon. He wasn’t sure how much of Dazai he could put up with right now. As they walked back into the office, Dazai sat on the sofa and stared at him.
“So, did you read them?” Dazai asked.
“Huh? Of course not!” Atsushi said quickly.
“Really?” Dazai asked surprised.
“Of course. If I needed to read them, Kunikida-kun would have showed them to me. I figured they were very important and needed to be kept under wraps.” Atsushi muttered.
Dazai just hummed and leaned back in the sofa. Atsushi, realizing the conversation was over, went back to looking at his desk and frowning.
“What are you looking at?” Dazai asked.
Atsushi blushed and looked away, staring at the floor instead.
“Nothing.” he finally said.
Dazai just looked at him. Atsushi bit his thumbnail before sighing.
“I was thinking about what to put on my desk.” he admitted.
“Oh?” Dazai asked.
“Yes. I mean everyone else’s is decorated, but mine is so bland. It looks odd.” Atsushi muttered.
“Does it now? Says who?” Dazai asked.
Atsushi huffed.
“It just looks so ugly compared to everyone else’s.” Atsushi stated.
“Oh?” Dazai asked.
“Yes, I mean I don’t even have a book on the shelf.” Atsushi said sadly.
Dazai eyed the books on the shelf and hummed. To be honest, it had been Ranpo’s idea to start the shelf. Until Atsushi had gotten here, it had been empty, but Ranpo had insisted on adding books to the shelf all of a sudden, so everyone just went along with it. Hell, Dazai had even thrown a book on there, just to keep Ranpo happy, but the more he thought about it, the reason for it became suddenly clear.
“What book would you put in the shelf?” Dazai asked.
Atsushi just shook his head.
“I don’t know. I tried thinking about it, but nothing seemed to fit right.” Atsushi admitted.
Dazai eyed Atsushi and then the shelf.
“What if we go to a bookstore tomorrow? Would you be able to find something?” Dazai asked.
“Probably.” Atsushi muttered.
“Then why not? Tomorrow, we will go to the bookstore and get you a book for the shelf.” Dazai smiled.
Atsushi smiled back and sat down at his desk. He eyed the clock and frowned. It was well past the time for someone to come relieve him. He huffed.
“I guess no one is coming.” he said annoyed.
“Most likely it was Ranpo who was supposed to come and he’s in a candy coma by now.” Dazai pointed out.
Atsushi snorted and covered his mouth. That was true. With how much candy he ate, Atsushi was surprised he didn’t have more cavities. His eyes drifted over to the safe again and he frowned.
“Do you want to open it?” Dazai asked and Atsushi quickly shook his head.
“No, it’s probably better that I don’t.” Atsushi muttered.
“You’re no fun, Atsushi-kun!” Dazai whined.
“You are just trying to get me in trouble with Kunikida-kun!” Atsushi snapped.
“It will be fun though! Just a little peek!” Dazai teased.
“I said no!” Atsushi yelled.
“Come on, not even a little?” Dazai begged.
“I am not getting in trouble with the Headmaster! He’ll put me back in the closet!” Atsushi roared.
They both went quiet, Atsushi’s eyes wide, staring at the ground while Dazai just watched him. Atsushi slowly sat down and looked away from him.
“Just...leave it alone, ok? I don’t want to make anyone mad at me.” Atsushi muttered.
Dazai nodded and leaned back in his seat. Atsushi felt his cheeks heat up. How embarrassing, yelling at Dazai like that. He could only pray the other wouldn’t tease him about it. Suddenly, Dazai got up and walked over to the safe. Atsushi yelped and tried to stop him, but Dazai had the safe open before he had a chance. The documents were shoved into his face before he even had a chance. Atsushi stared at him and then the folder before him. The name written across it made his eyes widen.
“Dazai-san?” he whispered as he took them.
It was a folder...on him. His name was written across it and his picture paperclipped to the front. He stared at it and then at him.
“The director likes to be thorough, especially about new members. He asked us to gather some information. These are all the records we could find on you.” Dazai explained.
The folder was thin, very thin compared to some of the ones he had seen. It had only two pages in there, one was a doctor’s note from when he was very young. He had gotten very sick after being forced to stand outside all night as punishment. His temperature had been almost deadly by the time he had gone to the doctor. They claimed he was lucky to be alive.
The second paper was a basic profile written by the orphanage itself. It had his weight, height and other basic information, but there were also additional notes. His eyes watered as he read them over. They called him a troublemaker, that he was constantly in trouble, that he was aggressive and rude. They were all lies.
“Why? Why did he want you all to look into this?” Atsushi asked.
“My best guess is he was hoping to find some information out about your parents, maybe your family? But we found nothing.” Dazai stated.
“I was found in the trash. The Headmaster always told me I had just been abandoned and they had taken me in out of the goodness of their hearts.” Atsushi muttered.
“Even still, there had to be a record of your birth, something, anything we could use.” Dazai stated.
“And I told you, I was unwanted. They probably didn’t even bother.” Atsushi snapped.
This just confirmed it. Confirmed everything he had ever suspected and feared. He really was an unwanted child. His tears rolled down his face and he lowered the folder.
“And you think you are unwanted even now?” Dazai asked.
Atsushi just looked away and Dazai sighed.
“That bookshelf behind you was empty for years. We just used it for just regular storage, nothing fancy. It was Ranpo-san who declared that he wanted to use it for its intended purposes. He was the one who insisted that we should all contribute one. Do you know why?” Dazai asked.
Atsushi looked at him.
“Because you said you liked books. He remembered that and decided it would help you feel better.” Dazai explained.
Atsushi’s eyes got wide and he looked over at the shelf with awe.
“Do you know why your desk was put next to the window?” Dazai asked.
Atsushi frowned.
“Because you told Kunikida you liked the sun. He had them purposefully put your desk there to make you more comfortable in our office.” Dazai stated.
Atsushi stared at his desk, taking in the simple details of the desk before nodding.
“Do you know why Naomi insisted on this picture?” Dazai asked, gently taking the tiny picture in his hand.
“No?” Atsushi replied.
“So that you would feel more connected to the Agency. The director might have looked into your past, but the Agency was looking towards your future.” Dazai finished.
And if Atsushi cried after that, Dazai couldn’t blame him. When they were done, they put the folder back, just as Yosano came in to relieve Atsushi. If she sensed something was amiss, she didn’t say anything. As they walked back to the dorms, Atsushi slipped his hand into Dazai’s, who chuckled.
“Thank you.” Atsushi said.
Dazai just smiled.