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“Yoo Jonghyuk,” Kim Dokja whispers. His words are soft and imploring against Yoo Jonghyuk’s lips; the heat of his breath overshadowed only by the warmth in his tone. Kim Dokja’s longing seeps into Yoo Jonghyuk’s skin with every syllable.
“Jonghyuk,” Kim Dokja whispers again, “Jonghyuk-ah.”
Yoo Jonghyuk doesn’t respond, having fallen asleep earlier. Kim Dokja doesn’t expect him too. They fought hard today, like they do every day. Like Yoo Jonghyuk and his party have every day for the past three years of Kim Dokja’s absence.
With the intensity of the battle, the constant rage of violence and despair and heart-wrenching calm of the After, Kim Dokja thinks he understands a little more now. How Yoo Jonghyuk’s soul was worn away amidst never-ending life cycles. Regressing. Struggling. Dying. Rinse and repeat in a veritable rip tide, each passing regression like a current pulling Yoo Jonghyuk’s sanity further out to sea.
(In the quiet of the night, captivated by this Jonghyuk’s presence, Kim Dokja thinks of the Jonghyuk he left behind. The one who left him behind as well, pulled farther out into a place where Kim Dokja dares not to follow. Because that Jonghyuk is not his Jonghyuk, nor is there any guarantee that any Yoo Jonghyuk that Kim Dokja subsequently meets outside of the third regression will be quite the same.)
His heart aches. It feels heavy, filled to bursting with emotions he never thought possible.
Every time he takes a breath it feels like it could be his last and he’d still be grateful for opportunity to be here in this moment. His head feels light with giddiness uncharacteristic of his usual blasé temperament.
“Jonghyuk,” he repeats, grounding himself with the sound. With the vision he’s been gifted tonight: Yoo Jonghyuk, relaxed in sleep and curled into the warmth of Kim Dokja’s embrace.
Kim Dokja has never loved anyone more than he has Yoo Jonghyuk. More than his mother before their relationship fell apart; more than himself. He’s loved the other for longer than they’ve truly known each other, and with a fervent passion that sits simmering within his soul. No matter how long it took him to realize, or how much he may deny to others who seek to take advantage of his feelings, it’s always been there. The moment Kim Dokja set sight on Yoo Jonghyuk in the dim light of the underground subway –saw his dream come to tangible, breathing life- he knew he would do anything to see Yoo Jonghyuk through to the end of the scenarios. To give salvation to the suffering he knows Yoo Jonghyuk would go through with every regression. At any cost, even at the cost of himself.
It’s a dangerous game, but one with an unfathomable payoff. Moments like these make every hardship worth it.
A lot of things have changed since the scenarios started. The world, the people, even the comrades Kim Dokja fights with and watched over. Kim Dokja himself has changed, dramatically yet not at all. Yoo Jonghyuk has changed as well.
This Yoo Jonghyuk is not the Yoo Jonghyuk Kim Dokja followed for over a decade. He’s not quite the one Kim Dokja fell in love with, but he’s the Yoo Jonghyuk this Kim Dokja loves.
To be close like this, is a happiness Kim Dokja never thought he would achieve.
It’s a happiness he’ll continue holding close.