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In the back of his mind, Sam knew this was wrong. He didn’t belong here, sitting around a table in a bar with Jess and Luis and Zach and Becky and Brady. This wasn’t his life, it was someone else’s. Someone named Justin who grew up in a normal family and had the kind of childhood that led to a successful future with a wife and kids and a picket fence. Not someone who all he’d ever had was a brother and a dad who was barely there, and didn’t have either of those anymore. Not Sam.
“Earth to Sam!” Luis teased. “Sam, dude, you in there?”
“Yeah, I’m here.” Sam shook off his morbid thoughts. He’d done the hard work, he’d walked away from his brother… he’d earned this life. “Sorry, did you ask me something?”
“Yeah, man, I asked you when you were going to sack up and ask Jess out properly,” Becky teased. “C’mon, we all know you like her, she’s turned down five guys tonight because of you…”
“It’s not because of me. I’m just a convenient excuse, because I’m so tall and know how to fight.” Sam ducked his head. He was happy to provide Jess or Becky or their friends with whatever protection they wanted, of course. He just wished that with Jess, it was because of him, Jess was an angel he was so not worthy of…
Suddenly, everything felt off. He remembered this day. The others teasing him. Him finally snapping and apologizing to Jess before asking her out. Him being floored when Jess said yes. The two of them walking out of the bar to find a coffee shop and discuss this strange new turn in their relationship, and then going to Jess’s apartment. Sam had intended to drop her off, but Jess invited him in, and he ended up spending the night. No sex, but Sam was perfectly happy with that. No sense rushing things. He had all the time in the world.
Or, as it turned out, about two years. None of this was right. Jess had been dead for years. Brady was dead, along with the demon within him. He hadn’t spoken to Luis since leaving Palo Alto, and the Warrens were not exactly friends anymore. They kept in contact, but after they’d gotten to see who he really was, they didn’t want him too close. Sam understood that, of course. People close to him got killed way too easily.
He looked around. Reliving a memory… a much less pleasant memory struck him, followed by several more. He remembered the man with the gun. He remembered stepping in front of the woman when he brought it up, and the man firing anyway. He remembered the pain as the bullet entered his heart. He remembered being in Heaven before, and reliving memories with Dean. Until Dean had showed up, he hadn’t realized something was wrong.
Did that mean Dean was here? Would Dean even want to be in the same Heaven as his pain in the ass brother who he thought had betrayed him? He’d made it pretty clear that he didn’t want Sam around, that he’d rather have Benny than Sam. He looked around. No sign of Dean, but Castiel was there, walking toward him. “Hello, Sam.”
“Castiel?” Sam looked over his shoulder at his friends, who were talking among themselves without seeming to notice Sam’s distraction. “What are you doing here? I thought you were laying low from Naomi.”
“I am, but this was too important. I came to offer you a ride back to life. Will you come back?” Castiel held out a hand to Sam.
Sam rolled his eyes. “That was fast.”
“What was fast?”
“Dean finding out I was dead.” It was quite the surprise that Dean cared, but then again, maybe this was Dean’s way of rubbing in what a real brother would do if he lost his brother. Reminding Sam once again that a real brother wouldn’t leave his brother dead, even if he were at peace and happy. Even if he didn’t actually want his brother around.
Castiel squinted at Sam, head tilted. “Of course he found out quickly. I was with him when I felt you die, and I asked him to go find your body while I came up here. That surprises you?”
That sounded like Castiel was the one who’d decided to come get him, that this wasn’t Dean’s idea after all. While he was grateful, of course, that Castiel would do that, it kind of hurt to realize that Dean wasn’t behind this after all. He should be happy that Dean would have just let him stay dead, but after all the drama, all the fighting because Sam didn’t find him and drag him out of Purgatory, he couldn’t be. And, of course, Castiel was here to bring Sam back to Dean. “Well, thank you, I guess. But I’m not sure Dean actually wants me back.”
“Of course he does. You’re his brother. The two of you can’t be happy apart like this.”
That may have been true once, but was it still? “He’s got you and Benny. He said Benny’s a better brother than I ever was. He’ll be fine.”
“He said that?”
The anger in Castiel’s voice caught Sam off-guard. “Yeah, in Purgatory, the two of them – three once they found you – had each other’s backs, never betrayed each other, it was all good. Other than being stuck in Purgatory, which is obviously the worst thing that could ever happen, but you know. He likes Benny, trusts him. More than me.”
Castiel stepped forward and wrapped Sam up in a hug. “Dean is being ridiculous. And wrong. He’ll eventually realize that and regret his harsh words to you. Perhaps your death has forced him to reevaluation more quickly than he otherwise would have.”
Sam hugged back, of course, that’s what you did when someone hugged you, but the shock of the hug still nearly knocked him off his feet. He’d never have expected Castiel to care that he was upset. “So you think I should go back?”
“I think you should make that choice, based on what you want to do. If you choose to stay, I’ll do what I can to stop Dean from doing something that forces you to leave again. I hope you’ll choose to come back with me, though.”
Once again, Sam found himself metaphorically flattened. Since when was anything ever his choice? Dean made the choices, because Sam always chose wrong. Sam chose Ruby. Sam chose to not even look for Dean when he was in Purgatory. Castiel seemed to think Dean would tell him to come back, which at least Sam had that to hold onto. That was huge. Even huger, though… if Castiel wasn’t here to force him to go back, then he wasn’t here for Dean at all. He came for his own reasons. He pulled out of the hug, going far enough back to properly see Castiel. “You want me to go back? Why?”
“Because it’s not safe for me to be here. Naomi will find me if I stay too long, and frequent coming and going will just attract her attention even faster. Even when the situation with Naomi clears up, I’d prefer not to be torn between here and Earth, torn between you and Dean.” He rolled his eyes. “It sounds like I will be for a while, if Dean’s so angry he’s saying things like Benny’s a better brother, but it will be easier if I don’t have to pick one of you to stay with. If I can come and go as I see fit.”
“But… why? Dean’s the one you have the profound bond with.” Sam tried to keep the jealousy out of his voice. He understood now why Dean got a guardian angel and he didn’t. Dean was Heaven’s Righteous Man, their meatsuit for their champion in the Apocalypse. Sam belonged to Hell. Hell’s puppets got guardian demons instead, and no one had tried to replace Ruby after Dean killed her. Since his rebellion, Castiel had been good about making sure Sam was included in things, but it had always been the three of them, or Sam and Dean, or Dean and Castiel.
“Dean’s the one I was assigned as guardian to. You’re the one I would break that bond for, if necessary. It shouldn’t be, not unless your bond with Dean gets fractured far more seriously than it ever has been, but I find it much easier to believe that he would be the one holding the knife.” Castiel paused, eyes narrowed in thought. Suddenly they opened wide. “I see. That must have been one of the conversations I had with a hallucination of you, after I took on your pain.”
“What was?”
“The conversation where I told you I love you. The hallucination of you was much kinder than I deserved about telling me that while you appreciate the sentiment, after what I did to you, you can’t return those feelings.”
That certainly explained a lot. Sam decided to handle the easy part first. “You’re the one who keeps telling me that I should be forgiven for freeing Lucifer, given everything I went through to clean up my mess. That applies to you, too, Cas. You broke my head, but you didn’t create those memories, and when it got to be too much for me, you took on the pain. You cleaned up your mess, so I can forgive you for creating it.” Castiel nodded. “Okay, just to be sure… this is really you, right? This isn’t Heaven creating something I’ve wanted for years now?”
“Heaven doesn’t create new memories. It only replays your old ones. You can, to an extent, change them – if you were to introduce me to your friends, they would be able to see me and interact with me, for example. When Dean comes up here, you’ll probably want to do that. Improve those memories by healing the biggest wound you had then.” Castiel glanced over at Jess, and Sam flushed a little. Surely Castiel wasn’t jealous of a memory, was he? “I apologize for doing this here, in this memory. This was the night you and Jessica became involved, wasn’t it?”
“It was, but it’s not like we were in love at this point. The only thing that would happen if I introduced you as my boyfriend would be that she’d wonder why I was keeping you a secret.” Sam pulled Castiel into another hug. “It would be fun to do, but we really should get back to Earth. Get you out of here before Naomi realizes you are.”
“Why would you introduce me as your boyfriend? You said…”
“No, I didn’t, the hallucination of me did. If it’s like my hallucination of Lucifer, it’s not real, it’s based on your perceptions. I wouldn’t have said that. I’d have told you I love you too.” Sam huffed a soft laugh. “You know, I think I’m glad I died if it meant we finally talk about this. You’d never have brought it up because you thought you had, and I’d never have brought it up because I didn’t think there was any point. This got us to talk. We both know the truth at last.”
Castiel looked up at him. “Does that mean you’ll let me take you back where you belong?”
“Yeah. Take me home, Cas.” He started laughing, causing Castiel to look concerned. “Sorry. I was just thinking that we can make some new memories for me to relive up here if I come back, and it got me thinking – one of my best memories is going to be this, right here. Being in Heaven. How’s that gonna work when it’s time to relive my greatest hits?”