Chapter Text
Prologue: A Promise
“Who’s that?” Peggy asked as Steve brushed his fingers over a drawing in his notebook.
He had kept the notebook when he went back in time to an alternate timeline. The memories drawn in the book were far to precious to leave behind. On this page he had drawn an absolutely stunning woman, hair in long flowing locks reaching over her shoulder blades. Her fist reached forward with electricity charging from her wrist. A look of pure determination was clearly visible in her eyes. In her emerald eyes. He remembered the exact color they were, a color this drawing so clearly lacked. The fiery red of her hair was another thing that his black-and-white creation missed. Truth be told, the woman didn’t even need the colors to shine, she was gorgeous nonetheless. No matter how you looked at it.
“She’s called the Black Widow. Strong, deadly, graceful and determined to reach her goals,” he needed to swallow before adding “No matter the cost.”
“She sounds like quite a woman,” his wife said. Her words were filled with admiration. Peggy always looked up to strong and independent women. Sometimes she seemed to forget that she was one herself.
“She was,” he agreed “But I just knew her as Natasha.” Just the name Black Widow seemed to sell her short, Natasha was so much more than that. Deep down under her emotionless facade, she was caring like no one he’d ever met before.
“Tell me about her.” The words were spoken as a question, certainly not a demand. Peggy never forced him to talk about his memories of the other timeline, though he never refused her requests. Sometimes talking about it was hard, his experiences hadn’t exactly been all roses. But not talking about it meant ignoring it – forgetting it. And he did not want to forget.
“I admired her,” he said sincerely “She was much more than just Black Widow. Above all, she had been my friend.” Well, she had been more than a friend to him. For some reason he didn’t want to tell Peggy that.
“What do you mean: she had been your friend? She’s not anymore?” She asked confused. There was also a little concern in her voice.
“She…uhm…” Steve began, it was still so hard to talk about what happened, three years with Peggy didn’t change that. “She’s dead,” he finally said hoping the tears wouldn’t stream down his face, like the first time he had heard about Natasha’s sacrifice.
“I’m sorry, Steve,” Peggy whispered as she took his hand in an effort to comfort him.
He held her hand firmly and allowed a tear to run down along his cheek. “She sacrificed herself, to save everyone.” He had never wanted to understand it, but he did. Natasha had always had feelings of guilt, for things she hadn’t even had some form of control over. Like it was her fault that she was taken and trained in the Red Room when she was just a mere child! He had always tried to convince her that she was in fact, a good person. It never reached her though, she always kept talking about that stupid ledger of hers.
But if there was one thing Steve was absolutely certain of, it was that her sacrifice had allowed her to live without a trace of guilt in the afterlife. He just knew, she was at peace in Heaven. And for that he was happy. However, that didn’t mean he was happy about what she had done. A person as selfless as her did in no goddamn way deserve to die. Knowing she was happy didn’t erase the wish that it would have been Clint instead of her. He felt guilty for that wish, but he couldn’t help it. He had loved her too much, to just let her go like that.
“Then she was brave until the very end,” Peggy said while looking him right in the eyes. Her free hand grasped his knee, running soothing circles over it with her thumb.
“Yeah. She was.” He sighed deeply. “I’ve never met anyone as selfless as her.”
Peggy retrieved her hands and stared into his eyes. “Why have you never talked about her before?” she asked. “You’ve talked about Bucky, Sam, Wanda and even Howard’s boy. Why not her?”
Steve had to swallow the lump in his throat, how could he tell his wife about the woman he had loved? He didn’t want to make Peggy feel like some sort of rebound, because Nat had died. Then it seemed to dawn on her. She always found a way to read his mind and this time was no different. “You loved her,” she stated. There was no judgement or anger in her voice whatsoever. She didn’t even have to ask, she knew.
“Peggy…” Steve began as he became filled with guilt. There was no use in denying there had been feelings, but it’s not like he and Natasha had actually begun a relationship. “Nothing happened, we never–”
“It’s okay,” she assured him. “I know you love me. That’s all what matters.” Her words managed to put him at ease, like they always did. She had faith in him. “Honestly, I’d be more worried if you never had any feelings for a woman after me.” He chuckled and she laughed softly. “Besides I know you never bedded her,” she added cheekily to lighten the mood.
“What?” He asked embarrassed with flushed cheeks.
“Well, even if you hadn’t told me you were still a virgin, I would have known after our wedding night. I mean only a virgin would–”
“Okay I get it!” he interrupted, not liking were she was going with this. Of course he had been insecure, everyone was for their first time. Even though he was already 38 years old by that time.
Peggy laughed out loud, probably because of the embarrassment on his face. He rolled his eyes, but let out a soft chuckle afterwards. “Why didn’t you tell her?” she asked curiously.
“How are you so sure I didn’t?” He asked in return with a smirk on his face.
“Steven Grant Rogers,” she said playfully stern “Don’t try to fool me. You were still hopeless with women when you came here.” She grinned before continuing. “And if you had, you wouldn’t have been a virgin.”
“Well, maybe I just kissed her,” he replied continuing his teasing “My mother would scold me from up there, if I bedded a woman before marrying her. Never bed before you wed.”
“You didn’t kiss her though,” she said playing along. Then she watched him thoroughly and gasped. “You did?” She smiled at him, amazed. Not jealous at all.
Steve blushed as he remembered their kiss on the escalator. Natasha had definitely taken him by surprise when she suggested kissing as a distraction method. “It was not what you think.” He chuckled a little at the bizarreness of the situation. “We were being followed and had to kiss to avoid getting caught.”
She laughed at that. “Oh Steve, you’re still so innocent. No woman suggests kissing as just a distraction. She wanted to, and I can’t blame her.” Peggy smiled widely.
Steve could only stutter, not managing to get real words out. He didn’t even tell her that Natasha was the one who initiated the kiss, she had just assumed that. He started to wonder about Nat’s feelings. Deep down he had suspected she might have been interested in him, though he never knew for sure. He always waited for the right moment to come, then the decimation happened and they were both so broken afterwards that it hardly seemed the time for love. And before they could bring everybody back, she was gone. He had been too late. Again.
Returning the soul stone had been hard, knowing she died on that planet to obtain it. He had hoped she would be revived after he dropped the stone in the pit, but to no avail. When the fog cleared, he could no longer see the stone, only her dead body. The pool of blood was clearly visible around her. Even laying their on the ground, she was graceful, gorgeous. But she lacked Nat’s force of life. The picture of her lifeless body on the cold stones would haunt him forever. She would have wanted him to move on, so that’s what he did. He loved Peggy with all his heart, still that didn’t stop him from thinking about Natasha every single day. She had been his best friend above all.
“Well, how about instead of stuttering, you tell me all about what happened. I want to hear everything,” she said, eyes shining with curiosity.
And so they talked about Steves life the rest of the afternoon. Peggy was so interested in all of it, especially in Natasha. He talked about it all, from the Chitauri attack on New York, to the fall of Shield, to the Accords. All the things he was determined to stop from happening in this timeline. That didn’t have to be the future of this world – he’d make sure it wouldn’t be.
Creating branched timelines was a dangerous business, but if he had created one by going into the past anyway, he could go all the way. He had already managed to secure Bucky from Hydra’s grip, so who said he couldn’t save Nat as well?
“I want to save her,” he said suddenly “Just like we saved Bucky.”
“We will…I promise” she said while giving him a hug.
After they broke apart she went into the kitchen, to cook them dinner. Steve reached for his notebook on the couch. They were going to save Nat from all the horrible things she had to endure as a child. He owed that to her. Because if he couldn’t protect her in his own timeline, he’d make sure she would be protected in this one.
Saving her would have to wait though, Natasha would not be born until the year of 1984 and it was only the year of 1948. Almost 40 years to wait, that would be a damn long time. He shot a last look at his drawing, before closing it. He couldn’t remember exactly how many times he had tried to sketch her in that scene. It was never good enough – still wasn’t. No drawing could match the image in his memory of her letting him and Bucky go.