Chapter Text
Jared snorted as he pulled the crumpled piece of paper out of his bag. He hadn’t even been back to school one day and he had already destroyed his English syllabus.
He debated for a few seconds if he actually needed a paper copy. He could always just pull the stupid thing up on his computer if he needed it. Only Mrs. Shaw was one of those strict, by the book teachers and would probably want him to have it in class.
With a sigh, Jared shoved the damaged syllabus back into his bag and made his way to the library to print a new one out. But as Jared approached the printer area, he stopped short. Sitting at one of the computers was Evan Hansen.
Jared felt a pang in his heart and retreated a little. He felt really bad about what happened earlier. Jared wasn’t positive what Connor had done after he ran away, but he heard shouting, so he was sure it wasn’t good. And he had just left Evan to that fate. After causing the problem in the first place. After insulting Evan even before that.
Jared closed his eyes and sighed. He really was such a horrible person. And such a terrible friend too.
As Jared turned to leave, he heard a printer roar to life. He paused in his tracks and turned back around. He didn’t feel comfortable talking to Evan for no reason, but if he was to bring him whatever he printed, then maybe he could start conversation up again. And then he could somehow make sure Evan was okay.
Jared walked over to the printer and grabbed the piece of paper. He started to make his way over to Evan, but stopped when he saw someone out of the corner of his eyes enter the library and felt his heart stop.
“Shit!” Jared muttered to himself. He was not about to interact with Connor Murphy again. There was no way anything good could come of that. Jared turned and fled the library in hopes that Connor wouldn’t see him, Evan’s paper still tightly clutched in his hands.
————
As Connor walked into the library, he noticed Jared sprint out and felt a slight sense of satisfaction. He didn’t love the idea that people were afraid of him, but it was better than having to deal with assholes. Besides, Connor had spotted someone much more important in the library than Jared.
“So, what happened?” he asked, causing Evan to jump in surprise. “Excuse me?” Evan yelped out. “Your arm,” Connor clarified. “Oh,” Evan replied. He shuffled uncomfortably before launching into his story.
Connor couldn’t help but laugh when he heard it. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” he replied when Evan was done. And it really was. Falling out of a tree was a pathetic way to get hurt, but it was nothing compared to the waiting.
And Connor felt for him. He knew what it was like to feel alone like that. “You should probably make up a better story. Just tell them that you were battling some racist dude,” he offered, hoping that he and Evan could connect a little further.
Unfortunately, Evan just looked at him in confusion. “To Kill a Mockingbird,” Connor clarified. “Like the book?” Evan asked. Connor’s heart sank a little. Evan seemed so confused. It was clear that he was either not much of a reader or he didn’t believe that Connor could be one.
The two boys lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Then Connor noticed something even sadder than the fall. “No one’s signed your cast,” he pointed out, breaking the silence. Evan simply stared miserably at his arm. “I’ll sign it,” Connor heard himself offering.
There was just something about Evan that felt so familiar to him. Despite his better judgement, he wanted to reach out and try to help him. Even though Connor had all but given up on friendships, he was willing to give it one more chance. It was just too sad otherwise.
“Now we can both pretend like we have friends,” Connor said as he finished writing his name across Evan’s arm. So maybe he wasn’t completely ready to give friendship another chance, but it was still something, right?
Evan smiled weakly up at him. Once more, the two boys lapsed back into silence. A part of Connor took this as his cue to leave, but another part of him wanted to stay just a little longer. Even if Evan was sort of painful to talk to, he was still making some degree of an effort.
“What are you writing there?” Connor asked, pointing to Evan’s computer. Evan’s eyes grew wide in fright. “Oh! Nothing! I, I, I’m just, I mean I, it’s nothing!” Connor raised an eyebrow, intrigued by Evan’s answer.
“It’s a letter to myself,” Evan eventually admitted. Connor let out a little snort. “Why?” he asked. Evan felt his face grow hot. “It’s, uh, it’s for an assignment,” he explained.
“Can I read it?” Connor asked. He leaned over to take a look at the compute screen, but before he could get past “Dear Evan Hansen,” Evan deleted what he had written.
“Please don’t read that!” he begged. “That version was just a joke. It’s not something others should see.” Connor frowned at the fear forming on his face.
“You’re having trouble with it, aren’t you?” he asked. Evan nodded miserably. “What do you need to write to yourself?” Connor pressed on. Evan looked up at him in surprise. Why did Connor care so much about his letter?
“I was supposed to tell myself why today would be a good day,” Evan admitted. “What? And hanging out with me hasn’t been the obvious highlight?” Connor asked, holding a hand up to his heart.
For a second, Evan got worried that Connor was offended. Then he saw the look on Connor’s face and realized he was joking. Despite himself, the corners of Evan’s mouth turned up. “I just hadn’t gotten to that part when I wrote it,” he responded.
Connor felt his heart skip a beat. Evan didn’t seem to be joking. “You want my helping writing a better version?” Connor asked. He felt his heart leap a little when Evan nodded. He knew this was a dangerous game to be playing, but he couldn’t help it. It was nice to feel wanted.
For his part, Evan’s mind was a mix of fear and awe. He couldn’t believe that Connor Murphy wanted to help him write a therapy letter. It was such a crazy thought, that it almost made him want to laugh. Only it wasn’t just a joke.
The two boys spent the next fifteen minutes together crafting a letter. It wasn’t exactly award winning writing, but it was full of a sense of hope Evan couldn’t quite believe he was actually feeling.
“Thank you,” Evan said as he finished the last few words and hit print. It still didn’t really seem real to him. Connor grunted and nodded. “I’m just glad I could make your life a little less fucking depressing. But seriously, you should come up with a better injury story.”
Evan smiled a little despite himself. “Okay. I’ll come up with something good,” he agreed. Connor clapped him on the back. “Attaboy!” he declared. Evan was pretty sure he was being snarky again, but he sounded dead serious.
Connor turned to leave. “See ya round,” he said, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder. “Yeah. See you,” Evan replied softly. He still wasn’t completely sure what had just happened between himself and Connor, but maybe, just maybe, Evan had a friend now.
So with those happy thoughts, Evan went to pick up his letters so he could keep the new one and dispose of the old. He quickly picked up one piece of paper, but began to panic when the other was nowhere to be found.
Ten minutes of searching later, Evan could feel a panic attack coming on. The first copy of his letter was nowhere to be found. Someone must have taken it. Someone out there saw Evan’s great shame and now had the ability to share it with the rest of the world.
Any joy Evan felt from earlier was immediately gone. There was only fear in his heart now. Evan was terrified of what the missing letter could mean and just what was in store for him when the rest of the world saw it too.
————
When Jared’s heartbeat returned to normal, he realized that he was still holding whatever it was Evan had printed. Another pang of guilt ran through him. He was certain that Evan was going to worry about where it had gone and who had taken it.
Only Jared was not about to head back and face Connor again. He flipped the paper over to examine what Evan had printed, hoping it was unimportant and not worth returning.
Instead, his heart stopped when he read it. And then reread it. Then reread it again once more for good measure. What the fuck was this? What was Evan talking about? What did he mean by disappear?
Jared felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to run back to Evan and demand an explanation. He wanted to go back and apologize for years of shitty behavior.
But Jared found his legs wouldn’t move. He was too scared to talk to Evan. Once more, Jared tried to take a step forward, but he was frozen in fear. There was no way he could do this.
Eventually facing the facts, Jared made his way back to his car, the letter neatly folded up in the pocket of his shirt.
He decided that the letter would just disappear forever. Evan would never know who found it and nobody else would ever know it was written.
He also decided that things were going to change from now on. If Evan wasn’t sure that anyone would notice if he disappeared, then Jared would make sure he did know.
He would go up to Evan the next time they saw each other, and ask to sign his cast. He would sit next to Evan next time they had lunch. Hell, he would even drop the “family” from “family friends.”
He didn’t need to take things all the way. Evan still didn’t need to know his true feelings for him. He just had to know that he was not alone.