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Erwin is a smooth, charismatic businessman...most of the time. No, really. That was until he got a new neighbor, Levi. Then, he became Big Gay Disaster Erwin™.
The day Levi moved in, Erwin had stumbled sleep-drunk downstairs to check his mail. He felt as rough as he looked after having come off an all-nighter at work. He turned to the building’s front doors at the sound of a moving truck, followed by the purr of a motorcycle.
Erwin watched as the man got off the motorcycle and pulled off his helmet. And damn....every bad boy fantasy Erwin ever had since puberty hit him right in the chest. The man was all compact muscle with a pretty face and hair just long enough to give him a roguish, wild look.
Erwin immediately felt self conscious with his bed head, morning stubble, and wrinkled pajamas. He hurriedly attempted to pull his mail out of the box to avoid such an attractive man seeing him looking like a hobo.
“Excuse me,” the deep voiced sounded from behind Erwin, startling him and making him drop his mail everywhere. He turned to see Hot Motorcycle Guy (HMG) standing behind him. Erwin found himself distracted by stormy gray eyes and the sexiest damn scar he had ever seen.
“Oh, um, hi. Hello, I’m mail,” Erwin stammered as he held out a hand. “I, no, I’m not mail. Well, I am male, but I meant my name is Erwin. Sorry about my mail.”
“Levi,” the smaller man said as he cautiously took Erwin’s hand. “I’m just looking for the super…”
“Yeah, of course.” Erwin caught the hint of a tattoo peeking from beneath the tight sleeve of Levi’s black t-shirt. Sunlight glinted off the sunglasses perched on top of his head and the silver piercings lining his left ear.
“Where can I find him?” Levi prompted.
“Oh, oh, um, just down the hall. Last door.”
“Thanks. Uh, don’t forget your mail, Elvis.”
“Yeah, It’s Erwin, actual--” Erwin noticed that Levi was already halfway down the hall. “Never mind.” He dejectedly picked up his mail, desperately trying to ignore the desire to fling himself out into traffic. He had completely humiliated himself in front of the hottest man he had ever seen. He never wanted to leave his apartment.
And this was just the first incident.
******
The next time he saw Levi, he had just gotten home one Friday evening from the worst blind date in recent memory. He was eating Nutella straight from the container and rehashing every terrible detail on the phone with Mike. He was startled by a knock on his door.
Assuming it was his douche of a date, he opened the door without looking through the peephole, spoon of Nutella hanging out of his mouth.
“You forget something? Your manners, perhaps?” Erwin grumbled around a mouth full of hazelnut spread.
“What?”
“Le-Levi? Sorry. I thought you were someone else.”
“Was that guy your boyfriend?” Oh, Levi didn’t look happy. Erwin swallowed nervously, forgetting his mouth was full, and promptly choked on the chocolate flavored goo in his mouth. Levi’s frown deepened as Erwin coughed.
“Um, no...it was a blind date. Not that you asked...or even care, really.”
Levi sighed and raised an eyebrow. “Whatever. Just,if you decide to go on a second date, tell him not to block my parking spot. That would be great. Thanks.”
“Yes, of course,” Erwin responded sheepishly.
Levi turned to leave, gracing Erwin with a glimpse of his tight little ass as he started down the hall. After a couple of steps, he turned back to Erwin.
“Hey, Edwin, that guy is a complete asshat. It wouldn’t be a complete tragedy if you didn’t go out with him again.”
Erwin hadn’t noticed the smear of Nutella on his cheek until he was getting ready for bed later that night.
*****
The next humiliation came on a Sunday after a round of rugby with Mike and some old college buddies. It had rained all week, so needless to say,the field was a muddy, soupy mess. Luckily for Erwin, the park was walking distance from his apartment. Which proved to be helpful when he received a panicked text from a coworker.
He was rushing home to clean up in order to go into work to deal with the crisis. He was texting furiously as he practically ran into the apartment building, not paying attention to anything but the stream of texts on his phone.
“What the hell?” Erwin’s phone clattered to the ground at the same time as Levi, who was now a muddy mess from where he came into contact with Erwin.
“Levi? Oh my god, I am so sorry. I didn’t see you!”
The smaller man looked down at himself and then at Erwin, a disgusted grimace on his face.
“What the fuck have you been doing, Elwin?”
“Um, there was a game...rugby. I was playing rugby.”
“Right, yeah,” Levi said as he stood, swatting away Erwin’s attempt in assisting him.
“I’m so sorry,” Erwin said again as his phone continued to ding incoming messages from frantic coworkers.
“It’s fine.” Levi’s tone said otherwise. “I’m going to go get cleaned up now. I think the screen is broken.”
Erwin looked down at the phone, it was, but it wasn’t nearly as shattered as his pride. Before he could utter another apology, Levi was climbing the stairs to his apartment. Erwin groaned in frustration. Maybe he could just move so he would quit humiliating himself.
******
Erwin’s situation really didn’t improve from there. He never before thought himself to be clumsy, but he had been tripping all over himself every time Levi was in his vicinity.
Like the time he tripped down the stairs as Levi passed him going up. The man had only said a polite hello, and Erwin found himself tumbling down. He had sprained his thumb...his thumb of all things. Levi’s wry grin at the sight of the awkward looking brace made it almost worth it...almost.
Then, there was the time that Erwin tried to be a gentleman when spotted Levi trying to get into the building while juggling his keys, groceries, and Thai takeout. Erwin hurriedly opened the door for the man, causing Levi to drop his keys. They bent over at the same time to retrieve them, forehead clashing violently. Levi dropped his groceries, but at least Erwin was able to save his dinner. They both sported bruises for several days.
Of course, Mike found this to be endlessly amusing, cool, suave Erwin was such a complete disaster anytime HMG (Erwin refused to divulge Levi’s identity) came within twenty feet of him.
******
But the worst incident to date occurred on a beautiful, sunny day. He had met Hanji at the local bistro for lunch. This ended up being a mistake as they spilled their chicken soup in Erwin’s lap, making a suspicious-looking yellow stain over his crotch.
Of course, this was also the day that his downstairs neighbor, Dot Pixis decided to chat him up while on the way out the door to walk his Doberman, Rosie. Rosie decided that she really liked the way Erwin’s pants smelled and kept sniffing Erwin’s crotch enthusiastically.
It was then that Levi decided to return home from a jog. He walked in the building to find Erwin trying to push Rosie off as she licked at his pants, complete with yellow, wet stain.
“Pixis, Irvin,” he greeted cautiously.
“Levi,” Erwin choked. “How are you...ow shit!”
Rosie had apparently decided that Erwin was good enough to eat as she bit down. He spent the evening nursing his bruised ego with an ice pack on his balls.
How much humiliation could one man take, anyway?
******
And then there was the moment that Levi saw Erwin in his element. It was some sore of convention that Petra had talked him into catering. Suits were everywhere, scrambling to make it to the next presentation or find the nearest bathroom.
In fact, there was a short presentation in the main ballroom right before lunch, so Levi found himself with a good view for what he was certain to be a dry, boring speech complete with Power Point.
What he got instead was a tall blond in a charcoal gray, bespoke suit with matching waistcoat and baby blue tie. There was his neighbor, sweet, bumbling, clumsy fool, walking up to the podium like he owned everyone. He completely commanded the room, and Levi would have been ready to dedicate his life to the man if he asked.
Of course, the fact that the blond was attractive had not escaped Levi’s notice, despite the fact he frequently failed to form a complete sentence when Levi was around. But this... this man was on a whole new level, and Levi didn’t know if he could reconcile the two opposite sides of Erwin.
“Levi...Earth to Levi,” Petra’s voice broke him from his thoughts. “What is your deal?” You completely spaced out on me.”
“That’s him.”
“Erwin Smith? Yeah, so? I never knew you were one to keep up with business news.”
“No! He’s the hot neighbor I was telling you about.”
“You expect me to believe that Erwin Smith is your hot, clumsy neighbor?” Petra didn’t look convinced.
“Yes,” Levi hissed. “I think he’s afraid of me or something. That’s why he acts that way around me.”
“Erwin,why don’t you come over here and meet the person responsible for all this wonderful food.” Keith Shadis was leading the blond over and Levi began to panic. Petra just stood and watched in amusement as Levi hurried to straighten his clothes and smooth his hair.
“Wow, you’re such a disaster,” she whispered as the two men approached.
“Erwin, this is Levi Ackerman. His catering is the best in the city.” If Erwin was surprised to see Levi, he didn’t show it. Instead he smiled warmly and held out his hand.
“Levi, it is a pleasure to meet you. I’m very impressed with your skills. The food had been nothing short of delicious.”
Levi took his hand. It covered his own entirely, and it was warm, and Levi wondered how it would feel wrapped around his hip.
“Smith...meet you, it’s very nice.” The blond smiled, and Levi was goo.
“Levi, what the hell is wrong with you?” Petra whispered through her smile, elbowing Levi in the ribs.
“I mean, it’s nice to meet you,” he recovered.
“Actually, Keith, Levi here is my long-suffering neighbor. But I had no idea he could cook like this.
“Maybe you should pay more attention to your neighbors, Smith,” Keith chided.
“Yes, maybe I should.” Erwin gave Levi a long, assessing stare and blushed a little. “Well, I’ll see you around, Levi. Don’t work too hard.” With that, Erwin turned and left to mingle around the room.
“What the hell was that?” Petra hissed as the blond disappeared into the crowd.
“I’m not sure,” Levi said absently. “But damn if he don’t look good in a suit.”
“Wow, you really just went from cool indifference to gay disaster with the flash of some dimples. Pathetic.”
Levi just grinned in awareness. Petra had just pointed out something he had been missing.
“So, do you think Alvin is attracted to me?”
“Just how obtuse are you? And he will never go out with you if you don’t get his name right. It’s Erwin.” Petra just walked away.
******
That night, Erwin was binge watching the Say Yes to the Dress marathon when heard angry pounding on his door. Confused, he took a quick peek into the peephole and saw the top of Levi’s head.
“Levi?” he inquired cautiously as he opened the door.
“Can’t you just ask me out instead of us embarrassing ourselves in front of each other all the time?” Erwin blinked for a moment at the smaller man.
“Technically, aren’t you asking me out right now?” Erwin raised an eyebrow.
“Tche. If I admit that to myself, I’ll just turn into a bumbling idiot. You know, like you.”
“You really know how to make a man feel special, Levi,” Erwin teased.
“Well, are you going to or not?” Levi shuffled nervously from one foot to the other.
“Levi, would you like to come in? I was thinking that maybe we could discuss the possibility--”
“Erwin, just move,” Levi interrupted, pushing past him into the apartment. “I think I prefer bumbling idiot to...whatever that was.”
Erwin laughed and shut the door. “At least you got my name right this time,” Erwin muttered in amusement.
“Maybe if your thighs weren’t so damn distracting…”
“My thighs?”
“Hey, that reminds me. Where are you hiding those rugby shorts?”