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kim junkyu was someone extremely bright. with that handsome face of his and a bubbly personality, he was someone who you'd extremely want to be around with both through the good times and bad. to complete the package, one must never forget the talent he has. his sweet voice, his sense of music and rhythm complete the person that kim junyku is. if perfect existed, he would be the definition of it. he knew he could survive, continue on and continue fighting with his team as they — together — reach the top. or so he thought.
“you keep looking down when you sing. don’t do that. it makes you look sluggish and lazy.”
ah. monthly assessment. the beautiful wondrous time where you feel as if you’re either the king of the world or the worst human being to breathe on this earth. and this time, like always, junkyu gotten another bad feedback. all he could do was nod and say yes to everything the producer said, no matter how harsh they were or how much he felt bad for himself.
as the producer finished, junkyu mumbled a small “thank you” as he went back to his seat and watched the other trainees get evaluated. he zoned out while watching the performances, thinking about how tired he is of everything, how sick he is of the repetitive cycle he’s stuck in. is it still worth it?
he thought as he watched each trainee come and go off center stage performing their strengths, what they do best. good and bad reviews went through the boy’s ear and out. the repetitive “is this all you can do?”-s and “you did well.”-s rang through his ears as if they were normal sounds each and every person on this planet hears. with a sigh, junkyu closed his eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled. is it still worth it?
*
ring. ring. ring.
static and ringing resonated around the practice room where junkyu was in. lying down face up, out of breath and tired — he was on the phone with someone, that is, if the other person decided to pick up. it was almost midnight and junkyu could swear his body would shut down any minute soon.
“aish... maybe he’s already asleep.” the boy mumbled as he reached for the phone beside him, getting ready to drop the unanswered call. his finger was already hovering the screen when suddenly, a muffled voice answered, “you called?”. the burden on junkyu’s shoulders already got lessened just by hearing the voice of the boy on the other side of the line.
“hey, noa.” junkyu said, voice tired and sleepy and whichever entity that was seeing him now could swear that he was close to crying.
“hey, kyu.” noa — junkyu’s old friend who is currently in japan — replied with a sleepy voice. “what's up?”
“nothing... did i wake you?” junkyu asked.
“you did but it’s okay. i don’t really mind.” noa said with a cautious tone in his voice. he knew junkyu and he knew that there was absolutely something wrong. “so... what's up, buttercup?”
“nothing much. i... just finished practicing.” junkyu said.
“just finished? it’s basically midnight, what do you mean just finished?” noa asked, voice laced in concern.
“I lost track of time.” junkyu said with a sad chuckle at the end.
“have you eaten?” noa asked again with the same tone as he had before.
“yeah...” junyku replied. comfortable but heavy silence engulfed the two as their breathing made up for the lack of words. “i.. uh... have a question. if it’s.. alright with you...” junkyu said as few seconds later, breaking the silence.
“shoot.”
“how would you know if it’s still worth it?”
this caught noa off guard but he knew exactly what he was talking about. he was already tired. tired of everything and everyone except for the people closest to his heart. it’s no secret that junkyu was someone who got pushed around by words and is someone who is hard on himself and if it weren't for his fiery determination, he would’ve already given up long ago. but just like any kind of fire, its light will always go out.
“well, you wouldn't be asking this question if it still was.” noa said, voice as soft as ever. “talk to me.” he added, and junkyu did. every thought and word that came out of his mouth was carefully thought through and was genuine and from the heart.
“it's hard.” he began. “so damn hard. it feels like as if nothing has any meaning anymore and i’m doing whatever this is for nothing. the dream is still there, heck it won't disappear no matter how hard i try but it just gets tiring. i’m tired, i’m sick of everything. i’m sick of all the criticisms, of all the flaws and mistakes. noa, i’m tired. i’m done. i don’t think i can do this anymore.”
noa didn’t know what to say. he knew the feeling, he definitely did but telling others what to do? not to give up? how could he do that. between the two, junkyu was always the one giving advices — great advices and none of them ever failed. noa remembered something junkyu said to him before and he was pretty sure he wanted to hear it too, especially at this time.
"a little birdy once told me, happiness is the main thing that keeps you going, the thing that makes you hold on. if that spark dies, so will you. so the question is, are you still happy?” noa said. beats of silence was heard through their line and he was pretty sure that junkyu was closing his eyes, taking deep breaths and reminiscing all the things he has went through.
“no.” junkyu’s soft, quiet voice said after a while. “i’m not anymore. but the boys... they’re my family. i can’t just leave them.”
“if they were really family they would understand. did you get mad when i left?” noa said.
“no... i knew how much you wanted to go.” junkyu said.
“then they will think that too. they know what you've been through, why would they stop you from doing something that’s already hurting you?” that made junkyu bite back whatever he was gonna say.
the boys, all 28 of them, was his family. he couldn't leave them — but, he couldn‘t go on any further. he was tired — exhausted, in all aspects of his being. he wasn’t happy anymore and he knew that he couldn’t be anymore happy here.
“you're right. absolutely right. i'm leaving this hell hole as soon as i can.” junkyu said.
“will that make you happy?”
“absolutely.”
*
after talking for hours, junkyu decided to pack up and go home to their dormitory so that he could go to bed and sleep. humming a tune, he continued on along the halls of his dorm — slowly reaching the people he considers his home.
using his key, he opened the door a quietly as he can, knowing of the light sleepers amongst his team. the team a dorm was quiet, peaceful even — except for the voice of who junkyu thought was captain america, that was playing in the tv.
“is that civil war?” junkyu asked approaching the trio on the couch.
“yeah. wanna watch?” byunggon asked, with an inviting smile on his face. junkyu just nodded and scooted over next to yedam, who was next to byunggon who was next to hyunsuk.
a small smile fell upon junkyu’s face upon the realization that these were the three people who he valued and cherished the most. it is true that each and every single member was cherished and valued but these three were something else. they were his rock, his source of strength and happiness. truly, they were one of the most important people in the boy’s life and he promised himself to never let them go.
the movie ended and he decided that it was time for him to tell the three about his plan. he knew it was going to be hard but he knew that he had to do it.
“hey, can i talk to you, guys?” junkyu began.
“yeah, kyu, what's up?” yedam asked, snuggling closer under his blanket, as sight that made junkyu's heart melt. he was really going to miss these dorks.
“i'm leaving the company.” he said, a straightforward as ever but with eyes casted down for he couldn't bear look at them in the eye. one second, two seconds, three seconds passed without anyone saying anything.
“what?” hyunsuk said, the first one to break the silence. “why?”
“it's a long story.”
“we got time. tell us.” and so he did.
he told them each and every single thing, not leaving any detail. he trusted these three with his entire life and he was sure that they'd understand.
by the end of the story, everyone but byunggon was crying — though he must admit that he was teary eyed and absolutely devastated by what he just heard. all of them has gone through hell and back with each other and this was absolutely a hard to swallow pill. emotions were all over the place — sadness, confusion, frustration, pain, suffering but amongst all of that, there was hope, comfort, and most importantly, love. despite the feelings of pain and struggle, the three understood where junkyu was coming from and how hard it must be for him to keep going.
“you don’t have to say anything. i just wanted the three of you to know first.” junkyu said with a sigh. “plus, before i go, i had to spend time with three of the my favorite people right?” he added as he touched the person nearest him, yedam.
with that touch, the boy latched himself onto junkyu — crying even more than before. “i'm gonna miss you and your stupid ass. i'm gonna miss annoying you on a daily basis and i’m gonna miss all the nights we spent talking about everything and anything under the sky. i'm gonna miss your dumb butt pestering me at 2 in the morning just for me to join you eat ramen.” yedam said in between hiccups and tears. “don't you dare forget me kim junkyu or else.” he said hugging said boy tighter — latching on to the remaining moments of them together.
“of course i won't forget you. you're god yedam for a reason, right?” he replied as he hugged the crying boy tighter. junkyu didn’t even bother holding back his tears as he too was a crying mess. four beats of silence passed 'til someone spoke up next.
“for someone who told me to keep holding on and to never give up, you're doing quite a good job yourself, huh?” the voice said with a tone that was nowhere near mad nor sarcastic, but instead his voice was filled with regret and sadness. the boy let out a small chuckle before continuing. “i'm sorry for not being a great hyung.”
“no, no, no. hyunsuk-hyung, don’t say that. you've been the best. this one isn’t on you.” junkyu said as he slowly detached himself from yedam and went on to cling on hyunsuk.
“i know it isn’t. but i just wished that i was there to help and remind you that you're literally one of the best. you’re extremely talented and charismatic and close to perfect and i swear on it that every company existing would want your crazy ass.” hyunsuk said with a small laugh.
“i just wish that you would've held on ‘til the end.” he finished, his voice faltering. “me too, hyung.” junkyu said with a sad smile on his face. he was leaning on hyunsuk’s chest, facing outward as both of them were reminiscing the moments they had together — the laughs, the mock performances they pulled in the practice rooms, mixnine, all of it. they had their fair share of bittersweet memories that they truly could never forget.
“i'll support you in your decision, as long as you promise me one thing.” byunggon began, looking at junkyu dead in the eye. “don't let anyone trample on your dreams like this ever again.” with statement, junkyu’s eyes began to water even more.
“hyung...” junkyu began but he was cut off.
“no, kyu, i’m serious. don't let anyone step on you and your happiness anymore. you've been suffering through this shit for so long and i’m kinda glad that you're breaking away from it. it’s not that i won't miss you — because i will, do not get me started on that — but i’m just glad that you're doing something to get your happiness back. i'm pretty sure that companies out there would be fighting for someone as handsome, as talented, as hardworking and as amazing as you.” byunggon said without missing a beat. “go spread your wings out there, junkyu. i can’t wait for the world to see the greatness that you are.” byunggon said as he wiped off the tears in junkyu's face. the younger boy lunged at the older muttering things along the lines of thank you and i'll miss you so much.
“we love you, kyu. so so so much.” with that, all four of them cuddle up together into a tight pack, it being their last time together in a while.
*
morning came by fast and the twenty-nine trainees face yet another day of filming and training like every single day since this show started. for everyone else it was just a normal day but for junkyu, this was his last.
it was his last time seeing this building, the walls inside it, the mirror surrounding him whenever he performs, the cameras filming his every move and most especially, it was his last time with the people who never failed to put a smile on his face even after a rough day. he cherished each step he took, each laugh he shared with his team. “it was nice while it lasted. i can’t believe this is the last time i’m doing this.” junkyu thought as he was with his members in the practice room. he sighed as he stood up, looking for their manager to let her know of his decision.
*
“so this is it? you’re giving up on your dream just like that?” their manager said, voice laced with disappointment. it’s not like that. junkyu wanted to blurt out. i’m not giving up on my dream, i'm just going somewhere else to fulfill it. but instead, he answered with a “i guess it is.” while looking at his now former manager with a small sad smile. “you're sure you want to do this?” she said, her voice now with concern and a tiny bit of hope. “100%.” junkyu said, full of determination.
“okay then.” she began, closing the notebook that was previously opened in front of her. “let’s get this show on the road.” she said as she headed to team a’s practice room.
once there, junkyu gave the same speech he gave the trio on the previous night, but this time leaving out most details and reasons and just sticking straight with the truth. the trainees saw how much this step meant for junkyu making them understand and support the determined boy in his new journey.
“don’t forget us here, okay? make sure you personally let us know that you’re still alive and kicking.” seunghun said as he gave junkyu as small ruffle on the head and a big tight hug in which the boy responded with a squeeze back along with a nod.
“hyung, jihoon is gonna annoy me more now that you're leaving.” doyoung said with a pout. “aw, baby, come here.” junkyu said as he pulled the boy into a big tight hug.
“i’m gonna miss you a lot. take care of your hyungs for me, okay? you know how much of a headache they can be.” he said with a laugh whilst tears run down his cheek.
“as long as you take care of yourself, hyung.” doyoung said, burying his face in the older’s chest. with one last goodbye and i love you, as well as a final fighting!
*
junkyu packs up his things and leaves team a's practice room. he was supposedly on his way out but he couldn't afford to miss saying goodbye to this one last person. reaching his destination, he knocks on the glass door softly then slowly opening the door to make his presence known.
“ah, look who it is! the one and only, kim junkyu.” a loud voice said from across the room. of course he was loud. when wasn't he, right?
“ya, park jihoon! i need to talk to you for a second. come out in the hallway.” junkyu said as he motioned jihoon to go outside. jihoon said a few words to his team, got his towel and went outside.
“to what do i owe this pleasure, mr. kim?” he said, jokingly with a small bow. junkyu saw how bright the boy in front of him was and wow was he gonna miss this. he pulled the boy into a hug whilst muttering a small, “i’m gonna miss you.” as he hugs jihoon even tighter.
“what? hyung, what are you talking about?” jihoon said, pulling out of the hug, confusion written all over his face.
“i'm leaving.” junkyu said as he let out a short heavy breath.
“leaving what?” jinoon said, still confused.
“the company.” junyku said softly.
“but why?” jihoon asked. junkyu told him the same thing he told team a and once he was done, two arms engulfed him into a tight hug.
“i know i tease you a lot but i just want to tell you that you're so strong and that you'll do great in whatever new path you take. i support you so much, hyung.” jihoon said, voice wavering with each word he spoke.
“thank you for literally everything. please don't forget me or else i will kick you in places where the sun doesn't shine.” he said as he pinched part of junkyu’s back, in which he replied to with a small yelp.
“i won't, jihoonie.” junkyu said. “never in a million years.”
*
yg treasure box members were pulled out for a one-on-one interview regarding what happened. “who was kim junkyu for you?”
“he was my anchor — the person who never failed to keep me grounded. he reminded me each and every day of what love was and how you say it without even actually saying it.”
“he was a role model. for some of us, at least. he was someone who was extremely talented and to add to that he had the charisma that everyone wanted. he was an inspiration to many and he will always be. his decision doesn’t make him a coward but it just shows exactly how strong he is and how much he values his happiness. we'll all miss him but we will never ever stop supporting him. junkyu-hyung, fighting!”
“he wasn't just a teammate. he was family. he was the constant reminder that i have a home, i have people who love me to go back to at the end of the day. he loves each and every single one of us so much and i hope he knows how much we love him. kim junkyu, we love you!”
after answering, each member was shown a video of a very familiar koala looking boy.
“hello, everyone! i had to beg our managr to show this to you because this is technically not allowed but yeah. i just wanted to say thank you for all your love and support. i know some of you hid away the fact that you were betrayed and hurt by my decision but it’s okay, i understand. but i hope that you do know that this isn’t the end of us. i will always come back to you guys. you guys are my people, my home. i will never forget you. i wish each and every one of you the best as you continue this journey to your greatness. let's ride that road to debut! i know that all of you can do it, never stop believing in yourselves and remember that everyone will always be in my heart. yg treasure box, fighting! i love you, guys, so so so much. this is kim junkyu, signing off. goodbye!”