Chapter Text
-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] opened memo aboard WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN THE WOODS. --
CG: I WANT TO PREFACE THIS BY GIVING A HEARTY “FUCK YOU” TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU NOOKSLURPING MAGGOTFUCKERS.
CG: DESPITE WANTING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS AWFUL IDEA OF HARLEY’S, I HAVE, ESSENTIALLY WITH NO AID, ORGANIZED A CAMPING TRIP FOR ALL THIRTY-FUCKING-TWO OF US.
CG: AND DURING THIS PROCESS, ALL OF YOU HAVE EARNED MY IRE A THOUSAND TIMES OVER.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo. --
GG: oh come on karkat! it cant have been that bad
CG: DON’T YOU EVEN START WITH ME HARLEY.
CG: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN *SPOKEN* TO THE REST OF THESE ASSHOLES?
CG: WHILE A SELECT FEW OF YOU SEEM TO POSSES A HANDFUL OF BRAIN-CELLS, IT IS MORE THAN COMPENSATED BY THE GARGANTUAN AMOUNT OF SHEER STUPIDITY AFFORDED BY A FEW KEY INDIVIDUALS.
CG: HONESTLY, THAT SOME OF THESE BULGEMUNCHERS FUNCTION ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS ASTOUNDS AND CONFUSES ME.
-- timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo. --
TT: Classy.
TT: I don’t know how friendships worked on Alternia, but in human culture it’s considered rude to insult them like this.
CG: DON’T TRY ME STRIDER. YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WERE THE TWO MOST INTENTIONALLY UNHELPFUL SHOOTSTUFFERS OF THE LOT.
TT: Quite frankly, I’m offended.
TT: Dave and I have been nothing by helpful in aiding you organize this little camping trip.
CG: BULL. SHIT.
CG: YOU CONVINCED THE LEIJONS THAT THERE WAS GOING TO BE A CAT CONVENTION HELD IN TOWN EVERY WEEKEND I TRIED TO SCHEDULE THIS FUCKING THING.
CG: EVERY TIME I WOULD TRY TO CHANGE THE DATE, THE CAT CON WOULD CONVENIENTLY CHANGE DATE AS WELL.
GG: heheheheh
CG: DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM JADE, I SWEAR TO GOD.
GG: oh my god karkat!!! stop being such a drama queen
CG: NO I WILL NOT TAKE THIS.
CG: IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU MADE ME ORGANIZE EVERYTHING BY MYSELF WITHOUT YOU ACTIVELY ENCOURAGING DISSENT.
TT: Dude, she didn’t make you do shit. It’s your own neurotic self that decided that you needed to be in charge of this.
CG: WHO THE FUCK ELSE WAS GOING TO DO IT?
CG: I’M SERIOUSLY OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS OVER HERE.
CG: MAYBE ONE OF THE LEIJONS? OR PERHAPS THE ENGLISH HUMAN?
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo. --
TG: omg yes jakey in charge of a camping trip
TG: that would have been totes hilarious can you imagine
TT: We’d be stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific.
TG: or mb in teh amazon rainforest
TT: Certainly another continent anyways.
TG: the adventure of a lifetime
TG: trekkin thru the african savannah w/ a conga line of camels
GG: :o
GG: that sounds sooo cooooool
GG: karkat you should totally have let jake in charge!!!
TG: jadey nvr change
CG: OH MY NOOKSUCKING JEGUS YOU ARE ALL COMPLETELY RETARDED.
CG: ANYTHING PLANNED BY ENGLISH IS DOOMED TO FAILURE FROM THE OUTSET.
TT: That may be true, but it would also be one hell of a ride.
GG: and anyways hes technically not english anymore remember
GG: hes a harley now just like me!
CG: OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
CG: STRIDER, AREN’T YOU ONE OF THE DRIVERS? SHOULDN'T YOU BE LEAVING BY NOW?
-- twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo. --
TA: that’2 pretty fuckiing riich comiing from you, kk.
TA: your dance2tor ii2 al2o one of the driiver2, dii2phiit.
TA: your a22e2 2hould be on theiir way two piick me and mt up, not fuckiing around iin ANOTHER FUCKIING MEMO.
TA: 2eriiou2ly what ii2 your ob2e22iion wiith the2e u2ele22 piiece2 of 2hiit.
CG: FUCK YOU I RESENT THAT. THESE MEMOS ARE INDISPENSABLE IN ORGANIZING YOU GLOBEFONDLING SHITSTAINS.
CG: THEY MAY NOT BE OPTIMAL, BUT THEY’RE THE BEST I’VE GOT AND I’M USING THEM.
TA: holy 2HIIT ii don't even care.
TA: ii ju2t thiink iit'2 hiilariiou2 that you 2tiill thiink the2e are helpful after they became 2uch a fuckiing joke when we were playiing the game.
CG: CHOKE ON A BULGE.
TG: bois, cant we all just get along?
TT: Wow, Rolal, such brazen ashen solicitations. I’m getting hot and bothered over here.
GG: :o
CG: WE DO *NOT* NEED AN AUSPISTICE.
TA: we do NOT need an au2pii2tiice.
TG: lmao whatevs
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: I ACTUALLY AGREE WITH SOLLUX ANYWAYS.
CG: *NOT* ABOUT THE MEMOS, BUT THAT WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT BY NOW.
CG: UNFORTUNATELY, MY GOD-AWFUL DANCESTOR TOOK IT UPON HIMSELF TO PACK MORE FIRST-AID SUPPLIES.
CG: DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE LOADED THE EGBERTS’ CAR WITH MORE BANDAGES AND ANTI-SEPTIC THAN SHOULD BE NEEDED FOR A ROUND TRIP TO THE FURTHEST FUCKING RING.
GG: well like my grandpa used to say: always be prepared!
TA: e2peciially iif we’re goiing on a triip wiith vk and ed.
CG: AT SOME POINT THOUGH, WE REACH THE REALMS OF OVER-PREPAREDNESS. AND I THINK THAT LINE WAS CROSSED AFTER THE TENTH ROLL OF GAUZE.
CG: IT’S A FUCKING CAMPING TRIP, NOT A FORAY INTO WAR.
CG: REGARDLESS, SOLLUX ONCE KANKRI GETS HIS SHIT TOGETHER WE’RE GOING TO PICK UP THE MAKARAS BEFORE GETTING YOU TWO.
TA: FUCK.
TA: ii'd forgotten that ii wa2 goiing to have to 2pend an extended periiod of tiime, not only iin the company of kk the 2econd, but couple of juggalo2 two.
CG: WHOA HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.
CG: FIRST OF ALL: NEVER CALL HIM THAT AGAIN.
CG: SECOND OF ALL: YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY DANCESTOR WHEN YOURS IS AT *LEAST* AS BAD.
CG: LAST OF ALL: AS AWFUL AS THE JUGGALO ASSHOLES ARE, AT LEAST KURLOZ KEEPS MITUNA’S SHIT ROUGHLY UNDER WRAPS.
TA: eh. ii gue22.
TA: could be wor2e. could be the ampora2.
CG: AMEN TO THAT.
TG: speakin of the fishtrolls, ne one talk to fefs or meenah today?
TG: p sure taht they were spposed to pick me n my daughter-mom like twenty mins ago now
TA: yeah ii wa2 talkiing two ff liike two miinute2 ago.
TA: they were goiing to piick up kn and pr up before comiing to get you and r2 but got 2tuck iin traffiic.
TG: ballin
-- ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo. --
EB: bad news guys. :(
CG: OH GOD.
EB: jane and i are going to be a bit late...
CG: EGBERT. YOU HAVE PRECISELY ONE MINUTE TO GIVE ME AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY MY SHIT SHOULD NOT BE PERFORMING A FUCKING PIROUETTE RIGHT NOW.
EB: okay, well we brought jane’s car to the garage last week because it was time to change its oil.
EB: and then the technician people found some sort of problem with the car.
EB: and long story short, we’re not getting the car back until later.
CG: FUCKING SHIT. MOST OF US HAVEN’T EVEN LEFT OUR HOMES YET AND THE FUCK UPS ARE ALREADY STARTING.
CG: COULDN'T EVERYONE WAIT UNTIL GETTING TO THE GOD-FORSAKEN CAMPING SITE BEFORE LOSING THEIR COLLECTIVE THINKPANS?
TT: Did you honestly think that the fuck-ups would wait for us to get to the site before showing up?
TT: How naïve.
TT: The truth is, my nubby-horned friend, that the fuck-ups were already here. Waiting.
EB: no no no no we are NOT going on a strider-rant now!
TG: omog johnny no dont stop distri there
TG: he was just hitting his.....
TG: ...............
TG: .....................
TT: Stride.
TG: ...................
EB: stride.
TG: .............
TG: ...............
TT: Stride then shades, let’s go.
TG: .........................................
CG: THIS IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
TG: (hush u)
TG: ................
TG: oh hey the fishmobeel is here
TG: cya nerds
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo. --
GG: stride
GG: 8)
TT: Dammit.
CG: NOW THAT THAT IDIOCY IS OUT OF THE WAY: JOHN.
EB: karkat.
CG: *WHEN* EXACTLY WILL YOU GET YOUR CAR BACK? HOW LATE ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
EB: umm, i’m not sure! give me a second, i’ll go as jane.
GG: oh no!!
GG: i just remembered that theyre the ones with the tents!
CG: YEAH. THEY HAVE MOST OF THE FOOD, TOO.
TT: Your carefully laid plans seem to rely an awful lot on Egbert and Crocker.
CG: HONESTLY, I WOULD HAVE ASKED THE MARYAMS, BUT FOR SOME REASON NEITHER OF THEM HAVE A DRIVER’S LICENSE.
CG: AND BECAUSE, DESPITE APPEARANCE, JOHN IS USUALLY FAIRLY GOOD ABOUT THIS SORT OF STUFF, AND I GOT THE IMPRESSION THAT CROCKER IS USUALLY RESPONSIBLE.
CG: HOLY SHIT, FUCKING FINALLY. KANKRI GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER.
CG: HANG ON WHILE I SWITCH TO MY PHONE.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --
TT: Oh shit, the moderator left.
GG: :o
TT: Time to go hogwild.
GG: bring out the booze
TT: Captor, quickly find and post as many MLP pictures to the memo as possible.
TA: no, fuck you.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo. --
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, STRIDER, I LEAVE THE MEMO FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS AND YOU’RE ALREADY FERMENTING REBELLION.
TT: I would hardly count MLP spam as rebellion.
CG: YOU DAMN WELL KNOW THE RULES STRIDER: DISCUSSIONS PERTAINING TO EQUESTRIAN ANIMALS ARE STRICTLY OFF-LIMITS EVER SINCE YOUR BROTHER GOT EQUIUS TO PERFORM SLAM-POETRY FOR HIM.
TA: FUCK kk, ii’d ju2t managed two purge that memory. thank2 a lot.
CG: THANK STRIDER FOR BRINGING IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.
CG: ANYWAYS, LIKE I WAS SAYING BEFORE WE GOT HOPELESSLY SIDETRACKED. STRIDER, AREN’T YOU ONE OF THE DRIVERS? SHOULDN’T YOU HAVE GONE BY NOW?
TA: that’2 2tiill pretty riich comiing from you, kk. You JU2T left.
CG: FUCK YOU; IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY DANCESTOR IS STONE COLD RETARDED.
TT: Yeah dude, I’m not driving.
CG: NO, YOU ARE. IT’S RIGHT HERE IN MY SPREADSHEET.
TT: You have a spreadsheet.
TT: Of course you do.
TA: dk, don’t even que2tiion iit. kk’2 the mo2t neurotiic a22hole ii’ve ever met.
CG: LIKE YOU’RE ONE TO TALK.
CG: IF YOU’RE NOT DRIVING, THEN WHO IS?
TT: Damara wanted to, so I was like fuck it. I don’t care either way.
TA: waiit. you're lettiing aa’2 dance2tor driive you?
TT: That would be what I just said, yes. Is there a problem with that?
TA: not really ii gue22. your funeral eiither way.
GG: she cant be THAT bad you guys
GG: honestly you trolls are WAY too hard on your dancestors
CG: HOW MUCH TIME HAVE YOU SPENT WITH THE ALPHA TROLLS?
TA: 2eriiou2ly. dm ii2 a fuckiing p2ycho.
GG: whatever :P
TT: Oh hey, there they are now.
TT: See y’all at the camp site.
GG: bye dirk! have a fun trip
TA: wiith dm driiviing, you’re 2ure to have an iintere2tiing triip eiither way.
GG: :P
-- timaeusTestified[TT] ceased responding to memo. --
CG: WHERE THE NOOKCHAFING FUCK IS JOHN, HE LEFT TO TALK TO HIS DANCESTOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO.
EB: sorry! i'm back!
GG: did you get caught in one of janes legendary pranks again john?
EB: i don't want to talk about it.
EB: but on a completely unrelated note, it looks like jane found my shaving cream.
GG: hehe
EB: :B
CG: SO DO WE HAVE AN ETA?
EB: uhh, yeah. jane says that the garage people said that the car should be ready before closing tonight.
CG: WELL THAT’S A FUCKING RELIEF.
CG: WHEN DO THEY CLOSE?
EB: ... seven.
CG: SHIT. SO WORSE CASE SCENARIO YOU GET AT THE CAMPSITE AT HALF PAST NINE.
GG: whoa! the drive takes two and a half hours??
CG: CLOSER TO TWO HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES, BUT YEAH.
TA: why the fuck diid you book u2 2o far away from the ciity?
CG: NOWHERE ELSE HAD ENOUGH ROOM FOR ALL THIRTY-FUCKING-TWO OF US WITHOUT US BEING SPREAD OUT OVER THE ENTIRE GROUNDS.
TA: eh, faiir enough.
TA: 2tiill though. almo2t three hour2 wiith kk the 2econd and mt. fuck my liife.
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
CG: EITHER WAY, THE POINT IS THAT WE ARE *NOT* GOING TO SET UP THE TENTS DURING THE NIGHT CONSIDERING THAT I’M PRETTY SURE THAT MOST OF YOU ASSHOLES AREN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO SET THEM UP BEFORE IT GETS DARK.
EB: they’re probably not actually going to take until seven, karkat!
CG: SORRY, BUT I AM NOT TAKING THAT CHANCE.
CG: SOLLUX, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A WHILE LONGER. I’M GETTING KANKRI TO DROP BY JOHN’S PLACE TO PICK UP THE TENTS BEFORE WE GET THE YOU AND THE MAKARAS.
TA: fuck iit, at thii2 poiint ii’m re2iigned two ju2t 2pendiing the niight iin the driiveway.
EB: are you sure that’s a good idea, karkat?
EB: i mean these tents are pretty massive! there's a reason why it was only going to be me and jane in this car.
EB: with all this stuff we have to bring there isn’t much room for anyone else!
GG: maybe we could split the tents up between the cars
CG: HARLEY YOU’RE A GENIUS.
CG: I THINK WE COULD FIT ONE OF THE TENTS IN HERE.
CG: JADE, DO YOU KNOW IF THE NITRAMS HAVE LEFT YET?
-- axialTriumph [AT] responded to memo. --
AT: 8=D < Yes, the Nitrams have left their hive and have already picked up myself as well as my dancestor.
GG: ummm
GG: i suppose this is horuss?
AT: 8=D < Oh! My apologies, human. It had e%aped my mind that I have yet to foalmally introduce myself to most of your kind.
AT: 8=D < Indeed my name is Horuss Zahhak. Tr001y a pleasure to meet you.
GG: im jade! nice to meet you too mister zahhak
GG: but ummm... what is that thing you type at the beginning of your messages?
AT: 8=D < It is a te%tual representation of my smiling face, of horse!
AT: 8=D < Why? Does it bother you foal some reason? I know Her Hayness Miss Peixes found some obje%ion to it. If so I e%tend by deepest apologies and will stop using it at once..
GG: uhh no i guess its fine :S
TA: ahahahaha thii2 ii2 fuckiing hiilariiou2.
CG: IT REALLY SORT OF IS.
AT: 8=D < I’m afraid I don’t understand what you find so filly, young Misters Vantas and Captor.
GG: just ignore them
CG: NO, FUCK THAT.
CG: HORUSS, TELL NITRAM TO DROP BY THE EGBERTS’ HOUSE BEFORE PICKING HARLEY UP AND GRAB AS MANY TENTS AS WILL FIT IN THE CAR.
EB: wait.
AT: 8=D < Very well. We sh001d be there within the half-hour.
AT: 8=D < I 100k foalward to seeing you there, John. Jade, I canter wait to meet you in the flesh.
-- axialTriumph [AT] ceased responding to memo. --
EB: crap! karkat, now i’m going to have a weird horse-obsessed alien at my house!
GG: he was kind of weird...
EB: you think?
GG: i mean not that theres anything wrong with that but
EB: jade. jade. he wrote with a dick at the beginning of his sentences.
GG: i know!!!
CG: AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE SHARING A CAR WITH HIM FOR THE BETTER PART OF THREE HOURS.
CG: HAVE FUN WITH THAT.
GG: I KNOW!!!
EB: at least he probably can’t use dicks in real life.
CG: REMEMBER JADE: THEY ‘CAN’T BE THAT BAD.’
GG: oh shut up fuckass
GG: im sure hes really charming
TA: a charmiing zahhak. that'll be the day.
GG: :P
CG: OKAY, SO KANKRI AND I ARE HEADING TO JOHN’S AND SO ARE THE NITRAMS WITH THE ZAHHAKS.
CG: MEENAH’S PROBABLY ALREADY GOT THE MARYAMS AND THE LALONDES OUT OF TOWN BY NOW.
CG: DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THE STRIDERS WERE PICKED UP BEFORE OR AFTER THE PYROPES?
-- crookedGrind [CG] responded to memo. --
CG: sorry l1l v4nt4s but th3 m3g1do-mob1l3 h4z 4lr34dy l3ft town 4nd w3 41nt stopp1n for noth1n!! >8]
-- crookedGrind [CG] ceased responding to memo. --
CG: FUCKING SHIT.
EB: wait.
EB: was that terezi?
CG: NO, IT WAS HER STUPID DANCESTOR.
CG: THAT ONLY LEAVES ONE OTHER CAR.
CG: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE AMPORAS ARE?
TA: oh fuck.
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo. --
-- twinArmaggedons [TA] ceased responding to memo. --
CA: wwhats up kar
CA: wwhoa sol got outta here fuckin fast
CG: YEAH I THINK HE SET UP A SCRIPT THAT AUTOMATICALLY KICKS HIM FROM A MEMO IF YOU JOIN.
CA: wwoww wwhat a douche
CA: as if im not TOTALLY ovver that stupid little black-crush
CG: I KNOW, I KNOW, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.
CA: yeah but its still annoyin always havvin that shit throwwn in your face
CA: youd think hed knoww better after sharin a body wwith me for a feww months
EB: wait what?
GG: wait what
CA: didnt your dancestors tell you
CG: NOW IS NOT THE TIME, ASSHOLES.
CG: THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR STORYTELLING ONCE WE’RE FUCKING CAMPING.
CG: WE CAN GATHER AROUND AN OPEN FLAME AND ROAST ARTIFICIAL SUGAR-BASED MONSTROSITIES AS WE REGALE EACH OTHER WITH THE TALES OF OUR MISADVENTURES CAUSED BY THE FACT THAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US IS MIND-NUMBINGLY RETARDED.
CG: IN THE MEANWHILE COUNT DIPSHIT CAN TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK HE AND HIS DOUCHEY DANCESTOR ARE.
CA: cro an i are just pullin up vvris’ drivvewway an wwe wwere goin to get the autistic cat-girls extraordinaire after
CA: wwhy
CG: FINALLY THINGS ARE GOING IN MY FAVOUR.
CG: JOHN, DON’T THE SPIDERBITCHES LIVE PRETTY CLOSE TO YOU?
EB: yeah, vriska and aranea live a few streets over.
CG: YOU HEARD THE HUMAN ERIDAN. ONCE YOU GET THE SERKETS IN YOUR CAR DROP BY JOHN’S PLACE AND PICK UP A TENT OR TWO.
CA: alright but i dont think wwere goin to havve enough room for a lot of stuff in here
CA: cros guitar is takin up a fuckin ton a room
CG: ERIDAN.
CA: kar
CG: YOU WILL MAKE ROOM OR I WILL FORCIBLY REMOVE YOUR FINNED HEAD FROM YOUR SHOULDERS.
CA: fuck fine but its cro youre gunna havve to fight wwith about this
CA: fuckin dammit
CG: WHAT NOW.
CA: cros makin me carry out vvris’ shit
CG: HA.
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased responding to memo. --
CG: JOHN, GET READY FOR EVERYONE TO SHOW UP. KANKRI AND I ARE ALMOST AT YOUR PLACE AND I DON’T WANT TO FUCKA ROUND FOR HALF AN HOUR AT YOUR HOUSE WHILE WE GET OUR SHIT SORTED.
EB: yeah... no offense karkat but you guys are weird sometimes. :/
CG: TRUST ME, I KNOW.
EB: okay then, see you in a bit!
GG: bye john!!
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo. --
GG: i guess i should be going now too...
GG: jakes been packing for an awfully long time
CG: OH GOD, WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ENGLISH TO PACK BY HIMSELF?
CG: THAT’S A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN.
GG: you really should try to have more faith in people karkat
CG: NO FUCK THAT.
CG: I PUT FAITH IN EGBERT AND LOOK WHERE WE ARE NOW.
CG: RUNNING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF HEADLESS CLUCKBEASTS.
GG: sigh
GG: this trip is going to be good for you karkat
GG: you really need to relax a bit :)
CG: BITE ME.
GG: :P
GG: talk to you in a bit!
CG: YEAH YEAH, SEE YOU LATER.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo. --
-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --
-- CG closed memo. --
By the time Karkat and Kankri roll up to the Egbert residence, all shit has hit the fan. Eridan and Cronus are locked in a tug of war over a guitar case in the middle of the lawnring while Vriska and her dancestor look on. Vriska wears a grin, shouting encouragement at Eridan while Aranea just has her face in her palms. John and Jane are nowhere to be found. Karkat feels the onset of a migraine setting in. I swear to fucking God these assholes get more retarded each time.
“Oh dear,” Kankri says as the two get out of the car. “It seems that something’s triggered poor Cronus considerably.”
Karkat feels his eye twitch involuntarily.
“Hey Karkaaaaaaaat,” Vriska says. “Come to enjoy Amporabowl?”
Whatever Karkat was going to say dies on the way to his mouth. He gives Vriska a flat look. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“I dunno,” she shrugs. “I think it’s a reference to a human thing ‘cause John called it that before heading out back for the tents." She smirks. "I just like the mental image of a bowl full of fish-faced douchebags.”
Aranea clears her throat. Both Karkat and Vriska flinch at the sound. The tell-tale sign of an Aranea-story is, even after only a few months of living in this weird new world, already burned into their psyches. If Vriska wasn't such a crazy bitch either way and he wasn't saddled with a dancestor who's at least as talkative, Karkat would feel bad for her. “I believe that calling any conflict a ‘-bowl’ is a reference to the human sport of American Football. Admittedly sports in general are outside of my usually sphere of interests, but I have enjoyed reading about our host culture a great deal over the last few months.” She shakes her head. “But I’m getting off-topic. You see the most important annual event in American Football is called the –”
“Oh would you look at that!” Karkat interrupts her. “I seem to have run out of fucks to give.
“Karkat!” Kankri admonishes. “You should never interrupt someone when they are talking. Now I realize that Alternian etiquette was somewhat sparse, but in addition to being incredibly rude, interrupting someone so abruptly might trigger them and that would be entirely unconscionable, now wouldn’t it? Quite frankly, I thought that we had already...”
Karkat doesn’t even try to shut him up: he’s tried enough to realize that Kankri enters a world of his own when he starts ranting about this shit. Instead, he just turns back to Vriska.
“So what the fuck is going on? Why have these assholes gone completely shithive maggots?”
Eridan overhears Karkat's question and answers for Vriksa. “Cro’s bein a fuckin wriggler, that’s what!” he says through gritted teeth.
“Am not!” the other Ampora protests.
"Yeah, that's real fuckin mature Cro, sure showed me."
“Right. Well that answers precisely fuck all," Karkat mutters. "Thanks a lot."
Aranea sighs. “Young Eridan thought that we would be able to fit an extra tent in the car if we removed Cronus’ guitar. Unfortunately Cronus is hearing nothing of it.”
Kankri stops his sermon mid-sentence, sensing a new topic. “Oh dear. He tried to take Cronus’ chosen instrument? Does no one read the lists I’ve complied detailing everyone’s triggers?” Karkat rolls his eyes. His own little world indeed. “Taking his guitar is near the top of Cronus’ list! While I expect this sort of disrespect and indifference from his dancestor, I disappointed that you didn’t know this, Aranea! I can usually expect you to be reasonable about this sort of triggering behavior.”
“Kankri, please." Aranea pinches the bridge of her nose. "Cronus is being unreasonable about this.”
Kankri sighs. “Aranea, how many times have I explained that triggers are not something that one can simply control? If it was as easy as just realizing that they're being unreasonable about it, then no one would have any triggers at all. Part of the difficulties of dealing with triggers is that they can't be reasoned with, functioning at a lower level of-”
“Nope,” Vriska interrupts him, her eyes rolling. “He’s just being a big wriggler.”
Kankri blinks in shock before turning to Vriska. Karkat can hear him taking one huge gulp of air and thinks fucking shit here it goes.
“Hey Karkat!” a cheery voice calls from the other side of the wrestling Amporas, where John and Jane just emerged each with a tent thrown over both shoulders. Sidestepping the Amporas, John adds, “Wow these two are still going at it, huh?”
Just then, Cronus makes a triumphant sound as he wrests the guitar case away from Eridan who, carried by his momentum, lands on his butt with an oomph.
Karkat face palms with an audible smack as Vriska jeers at Eridan. "Come on Eridan! Get back up there and fight like a man!"
"Fuck off, Vris," he mutters, flipping her off. Turning back to his dancestor he whines, “Come on, Cro, stop bein such a fuckin’ wriggler about this.” Pointing at Karkat he adds, “Kar said we need to fit as many tents as possible an’ that fuckin’ musical abomination is takin’ up way too much room.”
Cronus huffs and dear God is he really hugging his guitar like a fucking safety-blanket. “No vway. This is not a musical abomination and I’m not leavwing it behind just because Kankri’s little dancestor says to.”
Jane gives a long-suffering sigh and Karkat remembers that the human dancestors are in the same year as the trolls’ dancestors at school. She must be used to their shit by now. “Cronus, you don’t have to leave it behind you know. John and I can bring it along with us when we join you guys later!” She ends her sentence with the sickeningly cheerful Egbert-Harley-trademark smile.
Karkat sees Cronus hesitate just as a dark blue car the size of a small house roars the corner, stopping right behind Kankri’s little crimson car. Even Kankri notices it, his sermon trailing off. As one, all eight of them turn to gape at the building-on-wheels.
The driver’s tinted window retracts, revealing Rufioh’s uncertain smile. “Hey guys,” he says. “Like the car?”
“...I thought you had a Prius,” Jane says after a moment.
Rufioh chuckles awkwardly as the rear-door opens and Equius steps out.
“He does,” the blue-blood says with a sneer. “When these two showed up in that sniveling excuse for a car I STRONGLY insisted on using mine instead.”
“And, uh, we saw no reason not to,” Tavros finishes, emerging from behind Equius, his ridiculously large horns almost getting caught in the car’s doorframe. Karkat assumes that Equius is rolling his eyes behind his cracked sunglasses.
Karkat hears the passenger door open and Horuss’s perpetually grinning, helmeted face peers over the roof at the gathered trolls and humans. “I see you are admiring the car,” he says. “My dancestor and I designed it to be as STRONG as is possible. I even let him install a gas engine instead of the normal steam-powered ones I employ.
“Man, no kidding!” John says. “I bet you could fit, like, all four tents in there!”
“Uhh,” Tavros says.
“Hrnk,” Equius says.
“Err,” Rufioh says.
It takes Karkat a moment to figure it out. As understanding dawns on him, Karkat slaps his forehead. “It’s filled with towels, isn’t it.” It’s not even a question, really. More of a statement with a faint hope of maybe being corrected.
Horuss gives one emphatic nod. That grin looks fucking painful as shit, Karkat thinks. It looks like it's been carved into his face.
A moment later, Vriska’s howling with laughter. "Holy shit, Zahhak, you'd think that I'd get used to your weirdness after being your 'neigh'bor, but nope!"
John and the Amporas join a second later while Aranea and Jane start giggling. Kankri furrows his brow at them as he leaps into a lecture about making fun of people about something over which they have no control, not noticing that he is being completely ignored.
Karkat feels his eye twitch again. you really need to relax a bit, she says. Jade has no idea. None.
Equius starts muttering under his breath, his sweat coming off in waves while Tavros eyes him anxiously.
“Our moirails thought it would be foal the best to be prepared,” Horuss explained over the laughter, his smile intact even if his perspiration seems to have increased dramatically. “And I thought it would be better to be safe than sorry.”
“Of course you did,” Karkat says, his voice the epitome of calm. “Clearly it is better to carry around a metric fuck-ton of drying clothes to the middle of the GRUBFUCKING FOREST.” Yes, Karkat is totally calm.
“Glad to have your understanding, Karkat,” Horuss says. “Regardless, I do believe that we hoof enough room in the back foal two of those tents.”
“Oh thank fuck,” Karkat breathes.
Once everyone calms their collective shit down, to Karkat’s eternal astonishment and gratitude, they managed to get the four tents into the three other cars with relatively little fuss. There is a hitch when Vriska and John find out that the majority of the towels that the Zahhaks brought are decorated with the pastel-coloured cartoon hoof-beasts that the older Strider seems to be fascinated by and everyone starts laughing again, but eventually the Rufioh take off with two of the tents with minimal perspiration from the Zahhaks.
Once they leave, it takes only a little coaxing from Jane to get Cronus to agree to leave his guitar with the Egberts for a few hours. He and Eridan fit one of the tents in with a certain about of difficulty: even without the guitar taking up room, Cronus’ little car that looks like it came out of the human 1950s doesn't have a lot of room for baggage. After a tearful farewell his instrument, Cronus drives Eridan and the Serkets away.
They end up having to take out some of the extra medical supplies that Kankri decided to being along to fit the last tent into his car. It takes Jane pulling her authority on all things related to health as a former Life player to convince him that his fifteen fucking first aid kits are maybe more than a bit unnecessary, but the Insufferable finally caves.
“Man,” John says as they close the trunk to Kankri’s car, having managed to fit the last tent into the vehicle. “This was a LOT more complicated than I thought it was going to be.”
A growling noise emerges from Karkat’s throat against his will. “You and Harley both. You have no idea.”