Work Text:
I never thought I’d come to appreciate paperwork so much. It’s methodical, as important as it is mundane and it allows me to focus, even if it’s just for a short amount of time – for around thirty seconds, if I were to estimate.
Thirty seconds of checking boxes and signing my name and not thinking about the worst moment of my life. Thirty blissful seconds, and then it all starts again. Cement. Just because it looks easy. Josh? Doe-eyes looking at me. So sorry for your loss.
I flip the chart and reset to one, two…
“Hey you…” A soft voice behind me.
He’s trying to be nice. Quit being a dick, you love him.
“Levi.”
His hand at my elbow. “Got a minute?”
“You have a patient?” Don’t look at him, look at your paperwork.
“No, I–”
“Then no, I don’t have a minute, I have paperwork.”
“I’m not asking for–”
“Jesus, Levi I’m working.” I sigh harshly. Dammit.
“Fine.” He answers quietly and looks away, but not before I see the flash of hurt in his eyes. He walks away and I turn back to my paperwork, resetting to one, two…
“I’m not just anyone, you know.”
I snap my head to the side, instantly closing my eyes when I see him standing next to me again, chin high and defiant.
“You shouldn’t…” His throat bobs. “I’m not just anyone, we’re... I know you’re going through something, but…” His lip catches between his teeth. “Don’t talk to me like that, ok?”
He turns to leave and without thinking about it my hand darts out, catching his elbow. I quickly glance around us and then pull him to the nearest on call room, closing the door behind us.
“Going through something?” I laugh humourlessly and he frowns, looking both sad and remorseful.
“I–” He stops and close his eyes. “I don’t why I can’t get this right. I’m not trying to minimise what you’re going through, I just want to be here for you and…and it just seems like you hate me for it.”
“Well maybe if you took a second to think about what would help me instead of what would help you…”
“That is all I am doing.” He growls back, his brows arched sadly as he presses his balled up fist into his chest. “And all I’m getting in response is withering looks and insults!”
“Fine, you want an apology?”
“Yes, yes I believe that would be appropriate!”
“Levi, I apologise for hurting your feelings. I was projecting and I’ve felt awful about what I said ever since…”
He lets out a breath, blinking rapidly and giving his head a little nod. “Ok then, thank–”
“I’m sorry that these past few days have been difficult for you.”
“O-ok see now it seems like you’re being sarcastic again.”
“I’m sorry that I can’t seem to tone down my asshole behaviour and speak to you halfway decently, but Levi, I killed a guy and ever since I’ve kind of felt like dying myself.”
A look of infinite sadness fills his expression and his hands automatically reach out for me, but I back away from him.
“I’m sorry that I let you think I was something I’m not, I can promise you it came as a surprise to me too.”
“Nico…”
“I’m sorry that –” I stop to swallow hard when I hear my voice waver and glance away for a second to blink hard. “I’m sorry that I’m no good for you. That I’m not good enough for you, anyone or anything right now.”
“That’s simply not true” he says breathlessly.
“I’m sorry – more sorry than you could possibly know that after finally meeting…” I can’t help myself, I lift a hand to brush unsteady fingers long his jaw. “…I meet the guy, and then this happens and I just can’t seem to make it work.”
His hands reach to grip the front of lab jacket. “No. No, Nico you have that dead wrong.”
My hands cover his, encouraging him to let go. “I know what we had was good, really good –”
“Wh– had?” Hazel eyes squeeze shut and he shakes his head. “H-hold on, just…don’t –”
“I really didn’t mean it. You’re not a failure.”
“You’re not ending this. You can’t.” He chokes out, fighting back tears.
“I’ve got nothing for you, and I hate that because… we should have gone all the way. You were the one, but I know for damn sure I’m not the right one for you, so–”
“You don’t get to make that call!”
“But I get to walk away, that’s the only thing I can control right now.”
“But…” he takes a shaky breath. “We barely got started. I can give you space, I can, if that’s what you need.”
“Honestly? I have no idea what I need. I’m a mess and I don’t know how to be with you while I’m like this. I keep…” I swallow hard. “I keep hurting you and that’s not ok.”
“I don’t care.” He grinds out, his eyes killing me. “I want you. Please, just…” he takes a shuddering breath. “Let me keep you,” he whispers.
I close my eyes for a second. My fingers reach for his, entwining with his and squeezing. “I’m sorry.”
I can’t look at him as I turn and leave. All I hear before the door closes behind me is the beginning of chocked-up tears. One, two, three…
oOo
Not even eight hours later, sitting alone in my quiet apartment with my phone in my hand and my resolve is wavering. I repeat in my head to just leave it be. It doesn’t matter how wrong it feels, how very against the grain it is to know that I am no longer his and that I can no longer call him mine, I cannot – will not call him.
I can’t break him and then give him hope, confusing him when nothing has changed. I’m heartsick all over again but in a different capacity and I’m just going to have to deal. I will not call him. I won’t.
The worst thing? I can’t reset when it comes to this. There’s no thirty seconds of peace. There’s just the bitter knowledge that I put myself here. I made the worst mistake possible which took a person’s life and then cut myself off from the only comfort available to me. And I deserve it.
I will not call him. And it turns out; I don’t need to because when I hear a knock at the door I recognise it instantly as Levi’s. Three rapid knocks followed by two slow.
I freeze, completely torn. I want to go to the door but there’s nothing else to say, why torture ourselves?
“Nico, it’s…it’s Levi. Please open the door.”
I drag my hand through my hair as I push myself up off the sofa, resting my forehead against the door for a second before I open up.
“Levi–”
“I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen. I’m asking for thirty seconds, and then I’m gone, ok?”
I swallow hard, nod.
“Ok,” he whispers, more to himself than to me. I feel a pang of fondness when I notice the covered dish he’s holding in both hands.
“Did you know that out of roughly five thousand species of mammals on the planet, only three to five percent mate for life?”
I blink at him. “What?”
“Swans, gibbons, barn owls, certain types of fish, penguins, black vultures, bald eagles…” he finally lifts hazel eyes up to look at me. “Turtle doves and….” He shifts the dish into one hand and then taps his fingers tips against his chest. “And Levi Schmitt.”
I close my eyes, resting my temple against the doorjamb. “Levi,” I whisper. Unable to see him humble himself like this when if anything it should be the other way round. “Sweetheart…”
“You can push me away, but I…” he takes a fortifying breath. “I’m always going to be waiting for you because you’re…you’re my guy.” He finishes in a near whisper and shrugs helplessly. “I’m done, I choose you, and I will wait for however long it takes, however long you need because I know you love me too.”
“Of course I do.” I admit quietly, almost pitifully as I lean my temple against my hand which rests against the wall.
He lets out a deep breath, his voice catching slightly. “Then that’s all I need. I’m going to leave you be now, ok? I understand, I think, what it is you need. And I’m going to leave you alone with the understanding that I am here, anytime, day or night if you want me. You take as much time as you need, and all the while I’ll just be loving you, ok?”
“That’s not fair to you.”
“If it’s what you need then who the hell cares. Are you saying you wouldn’t do the same for me?”
He has me there, I open my mouth to say something but then quickly close it again with a sigh.
“That’s what I thought. Now…” He holds up the dish. “You can’t cook. Like at all. And you eat like a student when I’m not here so here’s some lasagne; heat it to one fifty for twenty five minutes.”
I can’t help the sad laugh that leaves my lips, and take the dish. “Thank you.”
He gives me a small smile. “Try not to order too much takeout because you’ll just punish yourself later at the gym. I’ll leave you meals in your locker from time to time, and…” he shifts from one foot to another. “If a time comes where you might want me to join you, you just let me know, ok?”
I feel chocked up. I feel taken care of. I nod my head. “Thank you.” I murmur quietly.
He lifts up on his toes just as his hand slides against the side of my neck and he presses his lips to my cheek, resting his brow against my temple. “Love you,” he whispers, and again all I can do is nod, unable to meet his eyes with my vision swimming as it is.
“Be kind to yourself.” He says, and then turns and leaves.
I watch him until he rounds the corner, feeling suddenly infinitely grateful for his quiet tenacity, his persistence and perseverance. I heat up the lasagne as instructed, suddenly ravenously hungry. As it cooks I look around at my apartment, as if seeing the mess I’ve accumulated around me for the first time, and while waiting for the timer to ding I begin to clean. By the time the food is ready my apartment once again feels familiar to me, feels a little more like home. I even decide to use my kitchen table rather than eating either on the move or in front of the TV.
The food is perfect. It’s piping hot, comforting and delicious. Calmness settles over me as I savour every mouthful and my mind goes blissfully silent. No cycle, no countdown, just Levi’s food and the knowledge that it’s ok to be a little damaged right now because he’s got me. Levi’s got me and for the first time, I’m able to imagine myself coming out of the other side of this.