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To condense self into a container that can hardly hold a thought, then to balloon back to a size that encompasses worlds and thousands of minds, and shrink back down again, it's hardly a surprise Newt is prone on the floor when Hermann finds him. The physical is temporary, has always been temporary, though there is an everlasting permanence to it as well, but that's across an expanse that is unimaginable, but the knowledge gained from the drift is fascinating.
"Newton! What have you done?"
The future is impossible to read because it's such a small thing. What is one man's future on the timeline of a billion years, and an infinite number of miles? Yet he finds himself not just curious, but truly wanting to know how these things will play out. This happened for a reason, a piece in a puzzle that creates the world around them. It will lead to something, a step forward that he is taking. It never stops being amazing.
He clutches at Hermann's hand. He's fine. He's ready to continue.
***
Terror is new. This tiny body is so fragile, and he is too aware of this. It is exhilarating.
And Hermann shows up, and offers himself as a sacrifice. This too is exhilarating, because how will Hermann react? How will he experience all that is contained within Newt's mind? How will Newt experience all that is in Hermann's mind? They're about to find out, but from the smile on Hermann's face, unsure but elated, it will be something amazing.
The human body is a small thing, amazing in its intricacy, but Newt knows what lies within the core of everything, and that makes humans seem… limited. Somehow it doesn't matter when he sees what is at the heart of Hermann Gottlieb. Not his weak, fleshy vessel, but his mind. Physical existence is easy to break down; it's something Newt's been doing since he had the manual dexterity to do so. The mind is something else. Hermann is a small thing that can barely contain his thoughts, let alone those of Newt and the anteverse (what a silly word). He thinks of things beyond the physical, into the metaphysical and theoretical. Hermann's thoughts call to Newt, and he lets his being flow into Hermann like water filling a jug.
When the drift ends, Newt is crying, just a little. It is joy in finding someone who loves him so much.
It is drifting, literal drifting in a void. There are no limitations or constraints on his body. There is no pain, no exhaustion, no fear even.
The details of Newt's life flash by lazily in bright cyan, blinding Hermann in the darkness until he can see only annoying pinpricks of light. Until he realizes those aren't leftover impressions of light, but stars. All around him are stars, and then planets start to appear. Those of their own solar system, and then others that he can't identify. Nebulae, distant galaxies, the universe unfolding around him like he belongs there. Not trapped on a planet, but in this unending field of stars and planets, drifting.
But Newt is there. This is Newt.
Before Hermann can come to terms with that, space rotates somehow, and he is thrown headlong into the anteverse.
***
Drift in me
Touching Newt is enough. Concentrating, touching, and he's there again. Everything he wanted as a boy, and more, at his fingertips.
In his mind's eye he is physically alone, but he can still feel the warmth of Newt's hand in his own. It's comforting when he finds nothing that he recognizes around him.
"I won't let you get lost." Newt's hand tightens.
"Thank you." Hermann's voice echos, and for some reason he can't pinpoint, he smiles. "Thank you," he repeats, and this time it has everything to do with what he's seeing. "You are a marvel."
Leaving that drift makes Hermann ache inside, to be returned to his broken body and this ugly planet.
But Newt still has his hand and is smiling, and maybe it's bearable.
***
Hermann initiates the kiss, while Newt seems more than fine with allowing it. He doesn't expect Newt to feel… normal. Warm and soft and breathing, with his hands on Hermann's hips, and the experience of kissing Newton Geiszler for the first time is transcendent.
At night he dreams of the sky filling his field of vision. One by one, he identifies every constellation, every planet, all the major stars, and there is whispering in his ear. A faint voice tells him the names of the others, and then laughs at Hermann's amazement. "Newton," he says, and his voice is immediately lost into the nothingness.
Newt laughs again. "Herm, I'll take you anywhere you want to go."
Yes, it's a dream, but Hermann wants to stay right where he is. With you.
"I'll show you whatever you want to see."
You. Just you as you are with me.
***
"I love you."
Newt tilts his head slightly to the side and smiles. "I know."
"No. I love you because of who you are, not what you are."
"Yeah, I know. Love is pretty neat, right? I love you too."
"I want to keep learning. That's why I came here."
Hermann looks at Newt warily, with no idea where this sudden dialogue is going. "All right."
"And you're the only person that knows about me." Newt bounces on the balls of his feet.
"Yes."
"So if I ask stupid questions, that's why. I mean you'd think it's the same for everyone; no single person is born with the understanding of everything, so why it's different for me, I don't know. I guess it's because I know this isn't what I am, and I just want to understand everything. Like, a dictionary definition isn't enough. I can read what an aardvark is, but I want to see one, touch one. Some things I can't do that on my own, so I-"
Hermann quiets him with a kiss. "Ask whatever questions you'd like. I'll answer best I can."
"I want more," Newt says quietly, and his fingers pluck at the buttons of Hermann's shirt.
"I'll give you whatever you want."
"I don't want you to give me anything. I want you to teach me."
***
"I'll die some day. It's weird."
Hermann answers, almost absently, "Not for many years."
"But that's like a blink of the eye." Newt sighs. "I'll do it again, I suppose. Maybe not here though. Somewhere else, a different place, with four eyes and seven fingers, drinking mercury. Hopefully I'll find someone like you."
"I-I hope you have continued success in your quest." It's foolish, but Hermann feels his chest tighten at the thought of Newt leaving him behind. But it's not Newt. When Newt dies, he will be dead.
Oh fuck, that's not helping at all.
"Hey, why are you crying?" Newt brushes his fingertips underneath Hermann's eyes, catching a tear ready to fall.
A shrug. "Thinking of you moving on without me. Thinking of you dying."
"You're part of me. I can never move on without you."
"Yes, but I can't think of it that way. I have only one life, and can only experience existence while I'm alive."
"Right. Sorry."
Hermann takes his hand, and rubs across Newt's dry knuckles with his thumb. "You want to learn. Some people never consider their mortality. Dying isn't a thought until it happens. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'm not sure. Though I do know ignoring my own mortality, and that of others, is a feat I am incapable of."
Turning his hand so he can grasp Hermann's, Newt smiles. "I'm not putting it on my calendar, don't worry."
***
Newton Geiszler has a beginning and an ending that can be easily measured. He is an individual, and he is everything, but the more he learns, the more he wishes his ending were not so definite. Things are exactly as he told Hermann: going beyond dictionary learning is unparalleled for his understanding.
"I'll bring you with me," Newt says in the darkness one night. There is no "god" to him. He is just incapable of that kind of thinking, though he understands the concept behind it. "I don't know how, but whatever happens, wherever I go, I'll take you with me." Things work strangely in the universe, beyond anything he can begin to explain, so whether Hermann wants to consider "heaven" or "reincarnation", either is appropriate and possible. "If there can be a lake at the bottom of the ocean, then I can do this."
Hermann's presence glows like a beacon to both the individual and the everything, brighter than any star.
When the Earth's star swells and engulfs its closest planets, when the star is forgotten and is outshone by the nebula it created, Hermann's light will be there, somehow.
"Now why are you crying?"
"Because in five billion years, you'll be so beautiful."