Chapter Text
She holds the paper bag of wine as she stands motionless at Kara’s door. She came here for one purpose only--to keep up appearances; because the Lena Luthor who knew nothing would have. Calm and collected, that was the Luthor way, and that’s how she would carry herself tonight. Game night was one of the many things Kara had brought into her life, and Lena, who was touched to be included in Kara’s inner circle, hates how she’s feeling at this moment, on this night, at the doorstep of her “best friends” apartment. Since moving to National City and befriending the bubbly Catco reporter, who was seemingly connected to everyone--media giants, agents… heroes--Lena finally felt like she truly belonged somewhere. With Kara. With Kara she had let her walls down, allowing the girl to know parts of her she had been too afraid to share with the rest of the world. Perhaps, she chuckles bitterly, that’s why she had been fooled for so long. Lex was right; now she really is alone.
“Hey you’re here!” a dapper voice pulls her away from her brooding thoughts. “Come in, we’re just about to start.” Alex says as she opens the door wider for Lena to enter.
Her smile is wide and pleasant as she walks in, momentarily stuttering something about reds and whites, knowing it was simple small talk to throw them off from how she’s really feeling. She feels Kara’s eyes on her, but she can’t bring herself to look at her directly just yet. She knows if she looks into those azure, blue eyes, she’ll feel her Kara crumble into non-existence--the Kara who included her in everything.
Then Kara speaks to her directly and for a moment Lena struggles to register her words. However, a moment for a Luthor thankfully processes faster than for most humans, so Lena responds in the flirtatious manner Kara is no doubt expecting. She even goes so far as to look in Kara’s direction, seemingly meeting her gaze, but in reality she’s focusing on the girl’s forehead--a trick she’s picked up as a CEO. Lena thinks she’s done well, that Kara has no idea how she’s feeling, but then the blonde excuses herself for wine and the brunette feels her heart lurch.
She chastises herself internally letting her anger battle it out with her apparent, and inconvenient, fondness for Kara. A week ago, Lena could have easily admitted to herself that she was in love with the sunny girl, but that feels like a very, very long time ago. Now she feels like she’s been in love with a lie all along and it hurts.
Meanwhile, Kara pours herself another glass, knowing it won’t do anything to ease her nerves. Her brow crinkles as she pours a full glass and glances sideways at Alex who has joined her in the kitchen.
“I have to tell her...tonight.” Kara murmurs when Alex asks her why she seems out of it.
Alex says something about things barely getting back to normal, and that maybe tonight is not the best idea, but Kara is unrelenting even if she outwardly agrees with Alex. It’s already been much too long; another day of lying to the woman she loves seems impossible. Game night runs its course, but Kara can tell she’s not as into it as she usually is. She wants it to end, so she can ask Lena to stay behind… so she can tell Lena the truth.
Then finally it’s time to say goodbye and Kara makes herself unavailable to Lena so that she’s the last to hug her.
“Lena… I was actually hoping you could stay a bit…” Kara pauses, waiting to see how Lena responds.
“I have a really early meeting tomorrow, Kara.” Lena protests with a small smile and tries to retreat towards Kara’s door. “Maybe next time.”
“I… it can’t wait.” Kara stammers firmly and clasps Lena’s wrist.
The Luthor’s eyes widen as she eyes Kara’s hand on her. “Kara, really I can’t…”
“Please... “ Kara’s voice is so small; her request so meek.
Lena pulls her hand back and walks towards the door again. Kara sighs and looks down, not wanting to watch Lena leave. She hears the door click and her heart feels like its received a new crack.
“Perhaps I should go first,” Lena speaks up.
Kara’s eyes shoot up, surprised that Lena had only went to shut the door, but something seems off. Her arms are crossed and her gaze is depthless. Kara can’t remember a time when Lena’s ever looked at her like this. Lena walks closer to Kara until she’s arm’s length away.
“I’m not who you think I am,” Lena begins with a stone, cold tone. “Maybe I never was.”
“What are you saying?” Kara asks, her brows knit in pure confusion.
“Tell me, Kara, who am I to you?”
“My best friend, I care a lot for you,” Kara responds easily. “Lena, what’s wrong?”
“Am I really your best friend?” Lena chuckles derisively, “I don’t believe that, not anymore. Apparently, I’ll never be good enough.” Her words drip with sarcasm. Deep inside, a tiny voice is asking her to stop.
“Good enough? Lee, you’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. You’ve done so much good! You helped Supergirl take your brother down, and you helped me gather everything I needed to expose his darkness to the world.”
Lena looks down for a moment; flabbergasted that this woman has responded to her sarcasm with pure and honest compliments. And for a moment she wants to let go of her anger, let go of her hurt and bask in the warm words that flow from Kara so easily, but she can’t. She remembers that Kara doesn’t really know her… just like she didn’t really know Kara.
“Just stop,” Lena mutters and picks up her gaze. “I know what you want to tell me Kara, but before you do, let me expose my secret first.”
Kara’s eyes widen and her lip trembles so she bites down while she waits for Lena to continue.
“You told me Supergirl tried to save Lex once he started falling through our atmosphere… and I suppose that is what a truly good person would do, but it’s not what I did.” Lena stands tall and firm. “I tracked him, and when I found him, weak and defenseless, I shot him.”
“Lena… no, you couldn’t… you said you were…’ Kara takes a step back.
“And as he lay dying, just when I thought he couldn’t hurt me anymore or anyone else, he showed me…” Lena felt her throat tighten and cursed her weakness.
“Lena… no, this isn’t how I wanted…” Kara tries to reach out for Lena’s hand, but the girl flinches back.
“Now we both know who each other truly is.” Lena regains control by taking a deep breath. “You’re a Super and I’m a Luthor… you’re not just Kara and I’m not just Lena… not anymore. We are by no means “best friends”.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kara cries.
“You’re sorry?” Lena scoffs not completely prepared for that response. “Sorry you were about to trust a Luthor, a real Luthor?”
“No!” Kara curls her fist and pinches her lips. “No matter what you say, you’re not just a Luthor… you’ve never been just a Luthor to me. I’m sorry that my selfishness kept me from telling you the truth… I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you found Lex.”
“I did what I had to do.” Lena clarifies, “what you couldn’t do. The world would never be safe with him in it, and I don’t regret it.”
Kara’s eyes flash to hers and she isn’t quick enough to avoid them. Anger, pain… sorrow, all mixed beautifully in her sterling, blue eyes.
“You’re lying,” Kara states and takes hold of Lena’s wrist with more force. “Say it again.”
Lena holds in a flinch at how tightly Kara’s holding her wrist and says, “I don’t regret it.” Lena can hear that stupid, little voice inside of her that’s screaming in agony; the piece of her she broke when she pulled that trigger.
“Again,” Kara commands.
“I don’t…” her chest constricts with pain, “I don’t regret it.”
Kara pulls Lena to her with a force she’s never used on the CEO before. It doesn’t allow Lena a chance to resist the all encompassing embrace she finds herself locked in. The ugly truth was that Lena didn’t regret it, even after Lex told her about Supergirl’s identity. In fact, she regretted it even less. When Kara told her that Supergirl would have let Lex live, she regretted it even less. Because she was a demon in love with a goddess.
“Please, let go,” Lena whimpers, her strength fading as she realizes how hopeless she really is. “Lex was right, when I pulled that trigger, I showed my true colors… and knowing who you are now, I belong by you even less than I did before.”
“We all have that darkness in us.” Kara chuckles darkly to Lena’s surprise. “Lex would be the one to say Luthor genes are special, but every human, every alien is susceptible to it. All it is, is fear.” Kara loosens her hold on Lena, allowing the girl to pull back if she wants to. When she doesn’t, Kara continues, “Fear of Fuperman led your brother, fear of aliens led Ben Lockwood, fear of Lex, and all the things he could take away from you, led you” Kara sighs as she lets her forehead rest on Lena’s shoulder, “and fear of losing you, and everything you meant to me, led me.”
“I… I don’t understand, did you not fear me being a Luthor?”
“No,” Kara says decisively and lifts her head back up. “Can we sit?”
Lena nods, her heart pounding in her chest and she shivers when Kara pulls away to lead them to the couch. She did not expect the night to go this way and it scares her. She can usually see a person’s moves from miles away, but, then again, Kara has always been the exception. Even after everything she’s said, all the cruel words she’s spat, Kara is holding her hand, pulling her down to the couch and they’re sitting closer than they’ve ever sat before.
“When I met you, I knew I could trust you… you can even ask Clark.” Kara begins with a soft smile; that seemed like ages ago, but she can still recall how Lena paused and looked at her when she finally spoke up--noticing her. “I think I would have told you a lot sooner, if…” Kara gulps and takes Lena’s hand in hers before she continues, “if I hadn’t fallen in love with you. It made everything so complicated. I began to hate all the things you had to do for Supergirl,” Kara’s eyes fill with tears as she explains, “you had to choose to save me or Jack, your mother used you to find Lex’s secret warehouse to find weapons that might kill a kryptonian, I was so paranoid about the whole red kryptonite incident that I let it affect how I treated you… I saw Supergirl as a hindrance on your life.” Kara rubs circles on Lena’s hand and adds, “but, more selfishly, I loved how I could just be Kara Danvers with you. You treated me like I was someone important even when I wasn’t. And the weight of the world just slipped off my shoulders whenever we were at the gym together, or out eating somewhere new, or binge watching Netflix shows…”
“So you loved that I made you feel human?”
Kara shook her head, “yes and no. On Krypton I didn’t have powers… until the age of 13, I was just a normal girl. Super smart, but normal. A lot like you. Though, seeing as you’re well versed in martial arts, you probably could have kicked my butt back on Krypton… especially with those crazy shoes you designed.”
Lena laughs unexpectedly at Kara’s conclusion, but then feels a tear fall on her hands that are resting in Kara’s.
“I love being a hero, Lena, but” Kara’s voice cracks, “I wasn’t always the girl of steel. Sometimes the things I want feel too fragile for me to hold onto… I didn’t tell you, Lena, because I was afraid you would hate me.”
Kara sobs and Lena finds herself cupping the kryptonian’s face automatically. Her heart is breaking in a whole other, new way. Kara was afraid that she, of all people, could possibly hate her. She’s furious, sure, that’s a given after everything they’ve been through, but she will never hate Kara. She only hates the fact that it seems like Kara is far beyond her reach--a winged angel while she was a wretched beast.
“How could someone like you ever want the love of someone like me?” Lena asks, her hands firmly resting on Kara’s cheeks.
“Falling in love with you was easy, wanting your love in return was natural…” Kara speaks softly, “you’re the first person who’s ever seen me for me… I’ve never… I’ve never felt… you’re going to think I’m lying.”
“Tell me, please,” Lena’s voice is soft now, her former edge dulled.
“I never told anyone I was Supergirl. I mean yes Alex knew because the Danvers raised me, but from then on it was kind of out of my hands. My cousin had told James, Cat Grant figured it out eventually even though I tried to fool her intentionally, J’onn could read minds and knew Alex’s dad… I guess I kinda did tell Winn, but I wasn’t Supergirl yet… I just saved a plane and was so excited and Alex was too mad to talk to, anyways the point is, it’s never been my choice.”
“So then I’m just an idiot for not noticing,” Lena sighs; it’s meant to be a joke, but it stings too much to feel like one.
“No! Rao Lena that’s not what I was trying to say,” Kara stammers and collects her thoughts as she places her hands over Lena’s. “I chose to tell you and I’m very sorry someone beat me to it; I wanted the dust to settle because… I, well I wanted a chance with you… to be with you. I didn’t see me revealing my superhero identity as letting you get to know the real me… I saw it as a block, something I had to get past to get closer to you, so I could share more of myself. So I could tell you about Krypton… about my home, so then maybe I could...take you to Argo with me. You could meet my mom and my people.”
Lena’s heart shatters. She isn’t sure if she’s breathing or maybe she can’t even remember how to breath; all she knows is that she wants time to leave her in this moment--the moment when Kara tells her she wants to get closer to her. She’s not sure who leans first or who’s hands are pulling the other’s face closer, but when she feels Kara’s lips pressed against her own, time loses meaning. Every moment that comes after in their soft, languid kiss becomes her favorite. Only when Kara pulls back does time feel like it has resumed.
“Does this mean… you don’t hate me?” Kara asks.
Lena raised a brow, “I can hate you tomorrow.”
At first Kara has a fretful expression, but when she catches sight of Lena’s playful smirk, she eases into another kiss.
She knows that tomorrow will never come.