Chapter Text
TheBigH (Hawke) created a chat
Chat Mom (Aveline) was added
BiancasBoy (Varric) was added
BigBoats (Isabela) was added
Sewermage (Anders) was added
Flowerpower (Merrill) was added
Glowstick (Fenris) was added
Princeypoo (Sebastian) was added
Sidekick (Carver) was added
Bethybowpeep (Bethany) was added
TheBigH: SUP SLUTS
Chat Mom: what is this?
Chat Mom: what is this app and why is it on my phone
Chat Mom: Hawke I know you’re behind this. What’s going on?
TheBigH: chill aveline, it’s just a messaging app so we can have a group chat!
Chat Mom: how did you get this on my phone?
TheBigH: i had some help from Donnic. But don’t worry! It’s just because we don’t all have the same phone so normal group chats would be messy
TheBigH: plus this one lets you have cool nicknames
Chat Mom’s name changed to A.Vallen
TheBigH: and as admin I can keep you guys from leaving the chat
TheBigH: aw you’re no fun
BigBoats: ooooooo Anders is gonna get rOASTED\
Sidekick: wait can we talk about my brother keeping us here like some crazy dictator?
TheBigH: nope!
TheBigH: we’ve moved on to roasting anders for his crap phone
Sewermage: ok, first of all wow
Sewermage: second, sorry I don’t want to give apple a complete monopoly on their overpriced fashion phones
Princeypoo: pretending like the new android isn’t also like $1000
Sewermage: pretending that apple doesn’t slow down old phone models
Princeypoo: pretending that I can’t jailbreak and hack a phone
BigBoats: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
TheBigH: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
BiancasBoy: wait are we just gonna gloss over that choir boy hacks his phone???
Princeypoo: it’s not a big deal. I started doing it back when I lived with my parents and my dad put a tracker in my phone so I made it so I could change the location
BigBoats: you know sometimes I forget you have daddy issues but then you say stuff like that and im like
BigBoats: hot
A.Vallen: why are daddy issues hot? Whats so attractive about having a bad relationship with your parents
Sewermage: daddy issues provide a good background for the rebellious, sexy, tortured vibe. Horny people can smell it
BigBoats: because then they need a new daddy…
BigBoats: in bed
BigBoats: ;)
TheBigH: ;)
TheBigH: unfortunately my only daddy issue is that he’s dead
Sidekick: oof
Bethybowpeep: big mood
A.Vallen: … I feel like you guys could handle loss better
TheBigH: I II
TheBigH: II I _
TheBigH: how’s that?
A.Vallen: I’m going to throw my phone into the ocean
Bethybowpeep: now that she mentions it I’m curious
Bethybowpeep: who gets called ‘daddy’? The person with daddy issues or without?
Sidekick: can wE NOT
TheBigH: too late
Princeypoo: If I ever did ‘daddy-play’ I was too drunk to remember and thank andraste for that
Sewermage: depends. I’ve called someone daddy because of my issues and called someone daddy because of his issues.
BigBoats: so what you’re saying is…
BigBoats: you’re a bottom
TheBigH: was that ever a question?
Sewermage: how dare you
Glowstick: whypsdwe
Glowstick: cant sddenc se eeeomc pedwec
BiancasBoy: ???? is the elf having a stroke and typing it out?
Princeypoo: he probably just needs help adjusting the font size on the app.
Princeypoo: I’ll help him, you guys keep up this fantastic discussion
BigBoats: was that sarcasm???
Bethybowpeep: Sarcasm? In our good chantry boy? It’s more likely than you think
TheBigH: soo now the only one left who hasn’t responded is merrill
BiancasBoy: you out there Daisy?
Flowerpower: yes!
Flowerpower: sorry, I was just having so much fun watching you guys talk I didn’t know if it would be ok to interrupt with questions
Bethybowpeep: don’t worry Merrill, the others interrupt all the time so it’s fine
Flowerpower: then in that case
Flowerpower: if Isabela is a girl then would she be called ‘mommy’ in bed?
Flowerpower: and are mommy issues sexy like daddy issues
BigBoats: maybe ;)
BigBoats: and not as much because bad dads make you rebellious, bad moms screw you up psychologically
BigBoats: usually
Flowerpower: ooohhhh
Flowerpower: what about other family?
Flowerpower: like… keeper issues?
BigBoats: hmmmm… why don’t you stop by my place later and we’ll find out ;)
Sidekick: what about brother issues? Specifically wanting to get rid of your older brother?
TheBigH: that’s called incest
Sidekick: I hate this !@#$%^*$@ family
BiancasBoy: what just happened to Junior?
Sidekick: did this app censor me?
TheBigH: wHAT?
BigBoats: ?&#%@
Sewermage: *^%#%&
Bethybowpeep: *%@()#@!?>
BiancasBoy: ^%!@#$
TheBigH: #$+=^
Flowerpower: crud!
Flowerpower: oh… I don’t think I swore correctly
A.Vallen: you’re all children
Sewermage: TURN IT OFF HAWKE
TheBigH: IM TRYING
Glowstick: &%!(&)>?
BiancasBoy: no offense elf but I don’t know if you’re trying out the censor or haven’t figured out your keyboard
Glowstick: I can type now despite obstacles of this new app.
Glowstick: though I’m not sure why we don’t just text
Bethybowpeep: because then Anders couldn’t be in the chat
Glowstick: … so?
Sewermage: *%$@ you
Sewermage: stupid Hawke
Princeypoo: I’m so glad to see the light of the maker cleaning up everybody’s language!
Sewermage: i’M sO gLaD tO sEe ThE LiGhT oF tHe MaKeR cLeAnInG uP eVeRyBoDy’S lAnGuAgE!
Princeypoo: does that take much time to type or do have an app for that sort of thing?
TheBigH: I have an app but idk if they make it for android
Sewermage: someday I’m going to replace you all with cats
Flowerpower: that sounds adorable!!!!
Flowerpower: can I be a tabby? I love their little stripes!
Sewermage: none of you deserve to be a tabby
Flowerpower: :(
BiancasBoy: look what you’ve done blondie
BiancasBoy: you made Daisy sad
Bethybowpeep: wait are we talking about cat-sonas because Carver and I read those books back in elementary school, right
Sidekick: NO
TheBigH: wait the weird ones where all the cats were part of like gangs and kept dying and had like weird names?
Bethybowpeep: yeah that one
Sidekick: NO THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN
BigBoats: oooooOOOOOOoooo
BigBoats: sounds juicy
Bethybowpeep: he sobbed like a baby everytime one of them died and he made his own cat too
Sidekick: YOU DID TOO
Bethybowpeep: mine was Sunny Ear and his was Bramble Foot
BiancasBoy: this is the best thing I have ever heard
BiancasBoy: tell me more about these cats
Bethybowpeep: I don’t remember much tbh just pretending we knew stuff about cats
Sewermage: fake fans
TheBigH: fake ferelden
Sidekick: fake story
BiancasBoy: fake lie
A.Vallen: fake friends
BigBoats: fake ginger
A.Vallen: fake boobs
TheBigH: who would lie about being ginger?
Flowerpower: Varric maybe? He lies a whole lot and could probably convince he has no hair while standing there with a full head of it!
BiancasBoy: I would never do that to you Daisy
Flowerpower: awww thanks!
Glowstick: were you lying about not lying?
BiancasBoy: getting kinda meta there elf
Princeypoo: as fun as this is, I gotta go shower so try not to spam too much while I’m gone
BigBoats: pics or it didn’t happen
TheBigH: PICS
Princeypoo: I’m not going to take nudes just to prove I took a shower
Sewermage: yeah then he’d get his little white iPhone all wet and he’d have to stick it rice
Princeypoo: I’m not white and ‘sticking your iphone in rice’ is a strange euphemism but go off I guess
TheBigH: WOOOOO
BigBoats: wait you’re just gonna let him call your iphone small?
BigBoats: send pics to prove him wrong
Flowerpower: how can he take a picture of his phone if doesn’t have another camera?
BiancasBoy: they’re not talking about phones, daisy
Flowerpower: really?
Flowerpower: oh!
Flowerpower: I get it!
Flowerpower: phone means penis!
Flowerpower: that’s very funny you guys! :D
Sidekick: I am literally related to two people here can we not talk about that?
Bethybowpeep: we shared a womb Carver. We all know how babies are made
Bethybowpeep: we all do, right?
Flowerpower: yes!
BiancasBoy: naturally
BigBoats: and we know how to not make them too!
Sewermage: sex ed and birth control was one of things the circle was actually decent about
Sewermage: and thank the maker for that because poor healers like me were the ones who had to deliver babies
Sewermage: one time an senior enchanter threatened to fix us like horny dogs if we kept ignoring our sex ed class
BigBoats: well you know what they say
BigBoats: easiest way to prevent a baby is castration
Glowstick: or… not having sex?
TheBigH: or being gay!
Sewermage: you’d think, but actually it still happened to gay couples too
A.Vallen: how? With magic?
Sewermage: the magic of being trans
A.Vallen: ah
TheBigH: that’s some great magic
Sewermage: mostly tho we were too horny and desperate to care about gender
Sewermage: if you wanted to get it on then you just had a quickie in a closet with whoever was willing
BigBoats: your teenage years must have been lit
Sewermage: teenagers? This expanded to the adults in the circle too
Sewermage: it was like an old timey whore house with templars
TheBigH: magic makes you bi
Sewermage: more like being locked in a tower makes you desperate
Sewermage: some people had preferences, but the straight ones sometimes left it on the field for a quickie
TheBigH: well gender isn’t real anyway
Bethybowpeep: my gender is magic
Sewermage: “then what’s between your legs?” lightning
Flowerpower: mage rights are gay rights
TheBigH: MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS
BigBoats: MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS
BiancasBoy: MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS
Sewermage: MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS
Bethybowpeep: MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS
Glowstick: I’ll take the gay hold the magic
TheBigH: you can hold me for as long as you like fenris <3
Princeypoo: I leave for a few minutes and you guys are spamming the chat?
Sidekick: I’m not
TheBigH: are you guys saying that you don’t support gay/mage rights????
Princeypoo: I’m saying that we don’t need to read it seven times in a row
Princeypoo: especially when no one is arguing against it
Sewermage: sounds like your arguing now
Princeypoo: *you’re
Sewermage: so now you’ve started just pointing out typos like a coward?
Sewermage: fite me hetero
Princeypoo: I’m not straight either
TheBigH: prove it
BigBoats: sounds like you guys could benefit from a lil hate @#$%^
BigBoats: stupid Hawke and his stupid app
Princeypoo: I am chaste and not arguing anything.
Princeypoo: and I don’t hate Anders at all
Glowstick: I do
Glowstick: but the only penetration he’ll get from me is when I stick my hand into his chest to rip out his heart
TheBigH: hey no one is allowed to use this chat to hook up unless I’m included
Bethybowpeep: …
Bethybowpeep: are you sure about that?
TheBigH: no one is allowed to use this chat to hook up unless I’m included
TheBigH: except Carver and Bethany who are not allowed to hook up with anyone ever
Bethybowpeep: rude
Sidekick: kill me
Flowerpower: nooooo!!!!
Flowerpower: it’s so hard to be friends with dead people
A.Vallen: are you implying that it’s still possible?
Flowerpower: ;)
BiancasBoy: daisy I’m concerned
Flowerpower: <#
Flowerpower: oops
Flowerpower: <3
TheBigH: <3
BigBoats: <3
Bethybowpeep: <3
Sewermage: <3
BiancasBoy: <3
Sidekick: <3
Princeypoo: <3
TheBigH: awww carver you joined in!!!
Sidekick: bite me
Sewermage: oh so spamming the chat with mage rights is bad but with hearts is ok?
Glowstick: 3>
Glowstick: wait how do you turn the 3 around
BigBoats: lol
Glowstick: ε>
TheBigH: what?
A.Vallen: I have a life and actual things to do, like work, so I’m muting you guys until further notice
TheBigH: :(
Sidekick: where the mute button
Sidekick: AVELINE HOW DO I MUTE THEM
BigBoats: you don’t muahaha
TheBigH: I am so saddened by this loss that I think I’m gonna go to Hanged man and drown my sorrows in alcohol
TheBigH: anyone want to join?
BigBoats: already there lovely
BiancasBoy: me too
Glowstick: are you buying?
TheBigH: don’t say you only love me for my money :(
Glowstick: I don’t
TheBigH: :)
Glowstick: I don’t love you at all
TheBigH: nooooo
Glowstick: I’ll still meet you for drinks tho
Bethybowpeep: where are you rn? And can you pick me up?
TheBigH: in the car
TheBigH: and sure
TheBigH: but youre designated driver
Bethybowpeep: not fair
Bethybowpeep: Carver come be designated driver
Carver: no
BigBoats: Merrill’s gonna be there
Flowerpower: I am?
Flowerpower: ok!
Sidekick: look Merrill is ok and stuff but I’m not gonna go just to watch you guys get drunk without me
Sewermage: I’ll be sober
Sewermage: I can’t drive but I can’t drink either because I need to up early
Sidekick: you don’t count
Sidekick: you may be sober but you still helped these drunk idiots rob a pet shelter
Sewermage: it was a pound!!!
Sewermage: a kill shelter!!!
Sewermage: and I wasn’t the one who told Hawke to take home twenty dogs
TheBigH: twenty one
Sidekick: that’s not encouraging
BigBoats: come on we’ll be doing body shots
Flowerpower: really? I didn’t know you had this all planned
Sidekick: if I go you won’t let me drink
TheBigH: you can do water shots!
Sidekick: that’s not something I want to hear from you
BigBoats: I’ll show you my tits
Sidekick: we’ve all seen your tits. Remember when you flashed that guy for like a few hundred bucks?
BigBoats: and you don’t want to see them again? Rude
BigBoats: I’ll show you Sebastian’s tits
Princeypoo: what? I’m not going
BigBoats: I’ll break into his apartment and take a pic for you
Princeypoo: no!
Princeypoo: and why do you even care? Your place is right above the Hanged man, you don’t need a driver
BigBoats: I want to make out with Bethany when she gets drunk
Sidekick: ew
TheBigH: you wHAT?
Bethybowpeep: heck yeah
Sidekick: what makes you think I want to see Sebastian’s tits?
BigBoats: what are you? A filthy het?
Sidekick: or that i’m against trespassing and you making out with my sister
Bethybowpeep: stop being a clam jammer
Glowstick: if you go I’ll try to keep Isabela off of Bethany
Bethybowpeep: e tu Fenris?
Glowstick: sorry but I could use a ride
Glowstick: walking home drunk at night sucks
TheBigH: yeah you’re an aggressive drunk too
Glowstick: last time I thought someone was trying to mug me but it turns out they were just getting out of their car
Glowstick: very narrowly avoided assault charges on that one
Sidekick: ok but if I don’t want to so my sister and Isabela making out I could just stay home
Sidekick: and then I don’t need to deal with whoever Garrett makes out with too
Sewermage: I’ll bring weed
BiancasBoy: Isn’t it also illegal to drive while stoned?
Sewermage: it’ll be a take home joint
Sidekick: ok sure
TheBigH: wooooop
BiancasBoy: good old family bonding