Work Text:
The drive to the funeral had been a morbid one. Taehyung leaned on the side door and stared out the window, closing his eyes periodically as he still clutched a picture of him and Jungkook at his graduation.
Taehyung let a few silent tears slide as he closed his eyes.
Why sweet, innocent Jungkook?
He was only 19.
Why did he drink so much alcohol?
Why was he leaving Taehyung like this?
Don’t think like that Taehyung, he thought to himself.
Your being selfish.
Jimin pulled into the parking lot of the small church and took a moment. They just sat in each other’s presence, not saying a word, the air thick with tension.
“We-were here.” Jimin said softly.
Taehyung closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the car seat.
“I know. I fear if I go inside, it’ll be more real.” Taehyung whispered as he turned to face Jimin. Jimin hated seeing his husband like this.
Taehyung started to cry as he continued.
“He didn’t even die on impact. He died scared, and alone. Left to bleed out. They say ‘we discovered his body, it was in good condition’ well why isn’t he alive? Why isn’t he here then? Why? Why-“ Jimin wrapped his arms around Taehyung as he cried. Taehyung held onto Jimin like his life depended on it and cried into his shoulder.
He let Taehyung wipe his tears away as they sat in the car.
“I-I’m ready.” Taehyung said as he put his hand on the handle of the passenger side door.
“You sure?” Jimin questioned. Taehyung pauses to look over at Jimin and smiled sadly.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
—
As they walked up to the church, Taehyung couldn’t help but think that it was beautiful. The stained glass windows made it stand still in time.
As they entered the church they noticed people were beginning to take their seat. They also noticed how the others were waiting by the door for them.
Taehyung walked up to them and they all merged into a group hug. Taehyung was shaking slightly but felt comforted by everyone. As they pulled back he noticed the state of the others.
Namjoon had a melancholy expression on his face as he looked at Taehyung and tried to give a reassuring smile. It wasn’t really working.
Jin’s eyes were slightly red, probably from crying. He had his arm around Namjoon as he wiped his eyes again in an attempt to keep in any tears.
Hoseok’s face was not in his usual cheery, happy expression. His face held a slight frown and sad eyes as he looked at the funeral brochure that was made with Jungkook’s face on the front of it. Taehyung looked at the one he got handed to at the beginning from some members of Jungkook’s family, but quickly looked away as tears began to swell in his eyes.
Yoongi’s face was almost as unreadable as usual. His lips were kept in a tight line but his eyes were full of pain and were, like Jin’s, slightly red.
“How are you guys doing?” Taehyung whispered. Namjoon spoke up.
“We’ve been doing...as well as we can.” He said is a low voice. They were all startled by Yoongi’s voice.
“Maybe, Just maybe if we would’ve pushed him to come in the car with us. If we tried more, he would be alive right now. We knew the state of mind he was in. We knew. And we let him go. And now he’s never coming back.” Yoongi said as he bit his lip slightly to keep his bottom lip from quivering. He brought his hand up to cover his face as silent tears fell. Taehyung was startled. ‘The state of mind he was in’? What did that mean?
As Taehyung looked at the rest of them, they had their heads lowered slightly.
“W-What do you mean you knew the state of mind he was in?” Taehyung asked curiously. The others looked at each other, waiting for one of them to speak up. As Jin opened his mouth, they were shuffled to take a seat.
Namjoon put his hand on Taehyung’s shoulder and looked at him.
“Not here.”
—
After they prayed and the priest said some words, it was time for them to speak.
As the other spoke, all Taehyung could here was mumbling as he stared off into space. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening.
“Tae, it’s your turn.” Taehyung was snapped from his trance by his husband shaking him slightly. Taehyung nodded his head and stood up. When he walked up to the podium he took a deep breath, he began.
“I can’t believe just three days ago I was getting married. I remember dancing with Jungkook. He was such an important person to me. We’ve been through so much together. Through the hell that was high school we helped each other, and I had hoped that we could continue to help each other even when I’m beginning a new chapter in my life. I remember the bunny smile he sent to me as we danced. Losing him has been the hardest thing in my life thus far. He was like a brother to me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover, but I know that he would want me to- “ Taehyung stopped as he put his hand to his face to keep in tears. He simply nodded with tears eyes and stepped off the podium.
As he sat down he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He felt Jimin's arm around his shoulder and he leaned his head on his shoulder as he continued to close his eyes.
—
When the service was over, they could go up to the casket with Jungkook it in. His body was in good condition when they found him, but he was already dead.
Taehyung’s heart sank as he walked up to the casket. It was Jungkook. His eye were closed and he had a peaceful expression on his face. His mop of chocolate brown hair was brushed and his pale skin seemed smooth despite the scratches on him. He looked angelic. At peace. Jungkook’s hand were brought to his lower torso to hold flowers.
Taehyung hesitated before bringing his hand and lightly resting it in Jungkook’s. It was so cold. He remembered how warm his hands were before. Tears fell from his eyes as he looked at Jungkook. He quickly turned and speed walked to try and catch up to the others.
“Taehyung wait up.” Jimin urged, but Taehyung was walking fast to catch up to his friends.
As the others were in the parking lot walking to the car, Taehyung wrapped his hand around Namjoon’s wrist.
“What did you mean ‘you knew the state of mind he was in.’” Taehyung said in a desperate tone. If this related to Jungkook’s death, he wanted to know.
They looked at each other with worry on their faces.
“Someone just tell me! I have right to know just like you!” Taehyung’s voice cracked as he yelled. Hoseok spoke up.
“Tae, we think that Jungkook liked you.” Hoseok said back. Taehyung fell silent. He let go of Namjoon’s wrist.
“W-What.” Taehyung whispered in confusion. Jin spoke up this time.
“We knew something was off about him at the wedding. His smiles were so hollow, so fake. We saw the way he looked at you when you and Jimin were dancing. I’ve never seen such a sorrowful, sad smile.” Jin said as turned his head to Namjoon. Taehyung shook his head as he backed up slightly.
“No way. T-there’s no way.” Yoongi shook his head and walked up to him.
“Didn’t you notice his changes when you started dating Jimin? When he would snap when you would talked about Jimin to much? Or how he smiled sadly when you and Jimin kissed. The days after you announced your engagement, he didn’t want to hang out with us and kept in his room. Whenever we would call him he sounded sniffly. Like the idiots we were, we actually bought into the ‘I’m sick’ bullshit.” Yoongi backed away when he was done. Taehyung still needed to process this information.
Everything collapsed on him at once. Everything came together at once and it was overwhelming. His legs fell and if Jimin wasn’t beside him he would’ve fell to the ground. He brought both hands to his face as he cried. He started to tug at his hair as he whispered things like ‘I’m such an idiot’, ‘how could I miss it’, ‘he was in pain for so long’. This was hurting Taehyung more than ever. Jungkook was in pain and he didn’t do anything to help.
Nothing.
He didn’t do anything.
—
They say that there are 5 stages in the grieving process.
~One, Denial~
Taehyung couldn’t remember the number of times he woke up and hoped this was all a dream. How much he wanted Jungkook to be walking and shopping with him. It got so bad to where he was texting Jungkook’s old phone asking if they could hang out. The number was eventually disconnected.
The denial continued, like whenever Taehyung would meet with the others, he would ask when Jungkook was coming. He always insisted he was late.
~Two, Anger~
Taehyung couldn’t stand it when the others would tell him things like ‘he’s gone Taehyung’ or ‘he’s not coming back’. He knew it. He knew it, he knew it, he knew it. And it was killing him. All he wanted to do was scream into a pillow so all the pain would go away. And some days, that what he did. It did little to help his pain though.
Taehyung would get angry at the smallest things. Whether he spilt something, or missed a button on his shirt. Jimin was hoping this didn’t last long.
~Three, Bargaining~
He knew that the others were suffering from guilt, but he couldn’t help but feel it too.
Maybe if he made noticed.
If only he would have talked to Jungkook about it.
Maybe if he had asked Jungkook to ride with the others.
Maybe.
Maybe he would be alive.
All of these thoughts surrounded his mind.
And it felt like they were eating him whole.
~Four, Depression~
Taehyung closed his eyes as he rested in the warm bath water. The water engulfed his body and comforted him as he was in deep thought.
He thought they would live an entire life together, best friend for life.
Taehyung felt so numb. He knew it was affecting his marriage, but Jimin was letting him grieve.
What was the point. Jungkook gave his life so much meaning. He was so important. Without him, he could feel the pain of the wound in his heart. It was so painful. He felt so hollow.
When would it stop?
~Five, Acceptance~
Taehyung took a moment to acknowledge the surrounding woods. The leaves rustling, the birds singing. He closed his eyes and relished in the peaceful scene that was around him.
It had been such a long road.
Not without a few bumps, but he got through it.
Almost a year since Jungkook’s death.
He was thankful for his husband sticking by his side, for better and for worse. He had accepted the fact that Jungkook had feelings for him and had enough time to process in a healthy way.
He knew there would always be a hole in his heart for Jungkook, and while the edges around the wound were so tender, they would eventually heal as he found closure.
He smiled as he felt the wind go by his face.
He remembered all of the good moments they had spent together. All the pillow fights and movies. Even all of them hanging out a group. He learned to look back on all of the good things they shared together.
He learned to not think of the the what if’s.
He had accepted Jungkook’s death.
And he couldn’t help but wonder if Jungkook was proud of him.
As he got up form the park bench, he let out a breath and smiled as he saw two little boys on the playground.
Love you Kookie..
~fin~