Chapter Text
Alyssa took a deep breath and counted to ten before scurrying the door to her chemistry class. She flashed an apologetic smile to her teacher before sliding into her seat, feigning embarrassment at being late yet again, like every other day this week. She made herself busy unpacking her notebook and pencils as her teacher lectured on s- and p- orbitals, pretending to be so distracted that she couldn’t notice the lonely stares from the girl sitting next to her.
It was her fifth day back since the flu from hell, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep this up much longer. If she kept being late to chemistry, she was bound to get detention sooner or later, and that was not an option. But being on time meant having to talk to Emma, and that was also not an option. She was looking forward to the weekend, where she wouldn’t be forced to ignore Emma’s sad, puppy dog frown when Alyssa refused to make eye contact with her.
Alyssa didn’t mean to ghost her. But she just had no idea what to say.
She kept thinking back to that moment in her bedroom. She had been half asleep when the ki- when it happened. She wasn’t even sure it happened; maybe it was just a weird fever dream. That’s what it had to be. Because there was no way Emma would do that. They were just friends.
As she replayed the scene for the 100th time, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She flinched and turned around to see Greg passing her a note. Alyssa took it, confused, while noticing that almost everyone was trying not to stare at the two of them.
“Winter Formal?” it read in big block letters. Below were checkboxes that said “Yes”, “No”, and “Maybe”.
Did he steal that from a 90s sitcom? Alyssa thought to herself. She quickly made eye contact with Kaylee across the room, who was beaming. “ I told you so,” she whispered.
Alyssa stared down at the note, acutely aware that she was the center of attention for everyone in the room. Everyone including Emma.
Since everyone was watching her, she figured she’d better put on the show they were expecting. With more than a little dramatic flourish, she grabbed a gel pen from her pencil pouch, marked “yes” on the note, folded it twice, and kissed it before passing it behind her back to Greg.
The class went wild - well, as wild as they could in the middle of a lecture. Whispers and giggles quickly escalated, and Alyssa smiled gamely as she pretended to focus on her notes, trying to ignore the deep pit in her stomach.
Normally she loved being the center of attention. But instead of making her feel special, she just felt… icky.
From the corner of her eye, she could see Emma lean away in her chair, putting as much physical distance between them as possible. It made her feel even worse. She knew she had to pretend to be happy for everyone to see, but the more she thought about what she just did, the more she felt like garbage.
It's like the real me is invisible.
When class ended, Alyssa knew people would still be watching her, so she quickly stood up and flashed Greg what she hoped was a seductive smile before bolting from the room. She got to her locker and hurriedly began exchanging her chemistry books with the ones she needed for French class, hoping she was moving quickly enough so that-
“What the hell was that?”
Crap.
Alyssa turned around and found Emma standing behind her, looking dejected.
Alyssa felt her chest grow tight. She had been dreading this conversation all week, but it had to happen sooner or later. “What was what?”
“You know what I’m talking about,” Emma said. “Three weeks ago you told me you thought Greg looked like a leek, and now you’re going to winter formal with him?”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Alyssa said, letting a thousand unsaid words fill her body.
“Ok, well why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not avoiding you,” Alyssa said simply, woodenly. The lie sounded stale as she said it; it tasted like ash in her mouth.
“Yes you are. You didn’t come to the band closet yesterday or Tuesday -”
“I missed two days of school. I had stuff to make up.”
Emma crossed her arms. “Well, you also haven’t answered my texts, and you go out of your way to not look at me even when I’m sitting next to you.”
Alyssa felt her face got hot as she closed her locker. “I’ve been really busy. I was sick-”
“Yeah, I know,” Emma spat back. “I was there, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember when you left,” Alyssa said before she could stop herself.
Emma turned white. “What- what do you mean?”
“I mean I was awake the whole time when you- when you left.” Emma stared at her wordlessly. “I- I wasn’t sure at first, if it was a dream, but I’m sure now.”
Emma’s chin began to tremble. Thinking fast, she grabbed Alyssa by the wrist and dragged down the hall, so fast Alyssa was tripping over her feet, before she pulled her into the band closet.
“Emma, what the hell?” Alyssa cried as Emma slammed the door behind her.
“Don’t. Tell. Anyone,” Emma begged, shaking with fear. “ PLEASE.”
Alyssa was stricken. “Emma, I won’t,” she said slowly, watching her friend shake in front of her. “So.. it’s true? You really are gay?”
Emma nodded tentatively. “The only person who knows is my grandma. Please, ‘Lys, don’t tell anyone.”
“I mean, everyone already knows,” Alyssa said, thinking about what Eva said at Steak n Shake last week. So it's true.
Emma shook her head. “No they don’t, everyone just thinks I’m … weird. I need to figure out how to tell parents, I can’t have them find out from someone else. Please, Alyssa, don’t tell anyone.”
“I… I won’t,” Alyssa said carefully, and then more firmly. “Emma, I won’t.” She watched Emma visibly relax.
“Thank you,” Emma breathed.
“Of course,” Alyssa replied. She swallowed before asking the question that had been on her mind for days. “But… why did you kiss me?”
Emma paused, looking at Alyssa’s eyes. Alyssa felt like Emma was staring right into her soul. “Because... I think you wanted me to.”
Alyssa was speechless; that was not what she was expecting. “What? Emma, I’m not gay, I’m-”
“Perfectly normal, just like everyone else, right?” Emma shook her head. “Alyssa, I’ve been… feeling something lately, something about you. And I just wanted you to know… that I’m here. Whether or not you feel the same way, I just wanted to put it out there, that this is what I’m feeling for you. And that no matter what... I'm here.”
Alyssa was dumbstruck. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry as she figured out what to say next. “Emma, I…I'm flattered, but I don’t like you like that. I’m not like you. I mean, I- I don’t like girls.”
“Are you sure?”
Alyssa narrowed her eyes, feeling her heart pick up. “What.. what do you mean, am I sure?”
“Alyssa, I’ve … noticed the way you look at me. You can’t honestly tell me you’re just here for chemistry tutoring.”
Alyssa felt her face suddenly grow red with embarrassment, and then anger. What was she implying? How dare she?? Who was Emma Nolan to say something like that? She was wrong, so wrong. So totally off base. “Well, maybe I was just here for tutoring. And maybe I’m not any more.”
“Alyssa-”’
“No, Emma, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Alyssa said, her heart starting to beat faster and faster. Suddenly, everything felt far away, like she was outside of her body. As she felt a deep panic set in, Alyssa knew she had to get out of there, fast. She reached for the door knob, but Emma was quicker and blocked the door with her arm.
“Alyssa, please don’t-”
“I’m not a dyke!” Alyssa screamed as she shoved Emma away from her, startling them both. Both girls gasped as Emma lost her balance and fell backwards to the ground against a row of music stands, which came clattering to the floor around her. Alyssa stood frozen as the room shook with the banging noises of the stands hitting the ground. Each bang felt like a slap in the face.
When it was finally silent, Emma looked up at her from the floor, dejected and hurt.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” Alyssa whispered, and she ran out the door, not looking back.