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Chapter Text

She was only sixteen, but Alyssa Greene was already exhausted.

It was the first day of Junior year, and as Alyssa slid into a front row seat in her chemistry class, she couldn’t help but notice how different everyone looked. Other than the girls on the cheer squad, she hadn’t seen anyone since last Spring. Bible Camp this year felt twice as long, and she thought everyone around her had to have aged more than three months.

Alyssa knew she should be excited for the start of the year. She had finally made the Varsity cheer team, with Kaylee and Shelby; she was the VP of Student Council; she finally had her license (no car yet, but she was saving up). But she was taking all honors and AP classes, even the ones she didn’t like, and Varsity cheer meant practice five days a week, sometimes in the mornings before school started. It was all just too much.

There was nothing Alyssa was dreading more than AP Chemistry. She wasn’t good at science, period. But her mother insisted that to get into an Ivy League school, she had to take the most advanced classes possible. And even worse, the teacher randomly assigned lab partners for the entire year, so if you weren’t lucky, you never got to work with your friends.

As the teacher was assigning lab partners, Alyssa sucked in her breath. She wasn’t sure who she was hoping she would be assigned with.

“Alyssa Greene and Emma Nolan.”

Alyssa looked toward the back of the classroom and gave Emma a small nod. She didn’t know Emma well; she was kind of awkward and didn’t really fit in. But from what Alyssa remembered, she was good at science, so at least maybe she could help Alyssa with her lab reports. Emma only stared blankly in response.

“Tough break,” Kaylee whispered to her as the students awkwardly shuffled to sit with their new partners.

“What?”

“Sorry you got paired with her.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Who cares? It’s just a lab partner.”

Alyssa didn’t realize she had fallen asleep until she felt Emma’s finger jabbing into her thigh. Started, she looked up to find their teacher a few steps away, passing back their chapter review test they had taken a few days prior.

Alyssa’s heart stopped as she reached for the face down paper. A familiar tension filled her body, her muscles tensing and her stomach starting to turn. She always felt sick the moments before receiving a grade, but it quickly went away as soon as she saw the A on her paper.

Except, this time when she flipped over the page, she saw a C+.

C+???

Alyssa bolted out of the room as quickly as she could and ran towards the bathroom. It had to be a mistake. There was no way she got a C+.

Or … was there? She hadn’t really studied for the test as much as she could. She just had to learn so many cheer routines to memorize, and had 100 pages of English to catch up on, and a math quiz, and the first student council meeting of the year, and bible study to prepare for.

Alyssa stared at her reflection in the mirror, her wide eyes bright with unshed tears. Her hair was a mess, there was a small stain on her shirt, and there were massive bags under her eyes. She couldn’t even recognize herself.

“You okay?” Alyssa whipped her head around and saw Emma standing next to her.

“Did you follow me here?” Alyssa spat out, not sure where the nastiness was coming from.

“What? No!” Emma took a step back. “I just- had to pee…”

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa mumbled, wiping her eyes on a paper towel. “I just… didn’t do as well on the test as I hoped.”

Emma took a step closer. “You’re probably just being too hard on yourself, I’m sure you did fine.”

“I got a C+,” Alyssa responded, her face turning red. She almost never volunteered her grades to other students, especially if they were less than perfect.

“Oh.” Alyssa looked at her feet, too ashamed to meet Emma’s eyes. “Well, it’s just the first test of the year, you can make it up on the next one-”

“Except I can’t cheer if my class average is below a B,” Alyssa interjected, her lip quivering. Tears threatened to overflow, but she dare not cry, so she dug her nails into the palms of her hand, hard.

“Maybe you should get a tutor?” Emma offered.

Alyssa scoffed. “My mother would die of shame if she knew I was being tutored.”

“Well, I wouldn’t tell her I was doing it,” Emma said with a shrug.

Alyssa looked at her, surprised. “You would tutor me?”

Emma shrugged again. “Well, sure. You’re my lab partner.”

“You know I couldn’t pay you or anything.”

Again, another passive shrug. “It helps me learn better to teach it to someone else. And I’m kind of a huge chemistry nerd.” Emma blushed a little as she grinned. “So I really don’t mind.”

Alyssa paused, considering. Emma was kind of an outcast, and it wouldn’t help her social standing at all. But she needed the help, badly, there was no way she wasn’t going to take offer.

“As long as we go somewhere…. private,” Alyssa said. “I get too distracted in the commons.”

Emma nodded, understanding what Alyssa really meant: I don’t want to be seen with you . “Maybe sometimes after school we could go to the library-”

“I have cheer, and student council.”

Emma bit her lip. “What about study hall? I have it right after lunch.”

“Me too,” Alyssa said. “Maybe we could do like, regular Tuesdays and Thursdays?”

Emma chuckled, and Alyssa blushed; she had a tendency to be a bit obsessive-compulsive, and Emma thought it was funny that she wanted her days scheduled like that.

“Sure,” Emma said. “And I know somewhere we can go.”

Alyssa nodded. “Somewhere private,” she repeated.

Emma chuckled. “Yes, somewhere private,” she said, turning to leave.

“Wait,” Alyssa called after her before she could walk out the door. “I don’t have your number.”

Emma nodded as Alyssa handed over her cellphone. Emma quickly typed in her info and passed it back. Alyssa glanced down at the new contact; Emma had written her name with a grinning cat emoji.

“So I’ll see you Tuesday,” Alyssa said.

“Yeah, I’ll see you then,” Emma said, turning back towards the door.

“Wait,” Alyssa said again. Emma turned back, expectantly. “I- I thought you had to pee,” Alyssa said.

Emma smiled and kept walking. “See you Tuesday, Alyssa Greene,” she called over her shoulder.

Alyssa smiled as she locked her phone, turning back to the mirror to fix her hair. “See you Tuesday, Emma Nolan.”

Chapter Text

Tuesday afternoon, Alyssa stood nervously outside a room she had never seen before. She had only been near the music practice rooms a few times, but Emma told her this was where she should go: to the end of the hall, right next to the water fountain.

She quickly pulled out her phone and texted Emma: I think I’m here?

Within seconds of hitting send, the door of what Alyssa had thought was a closet opened to reveal Emma inside. She smiled awkwardly as she opened the door. “Come on in.”

Nervously, Alyssa tugged at her skirt as she stepped inside, taking in the massive shelves full of instruments.  “What is this room?”

“Marching band’s storage,” Emma said. “I’m their equipment manager.”

Alyssa glanced at a blue couch in the back corner of the room, sitting underneath a few colorful posters. “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

Emma shrugged. She seemed to shrug her shoulders constantly, and it drove Alyssa mad. She could never quite tell what Emma was thinking.

“It’s a fun job,” Emma said. “I get to go to all the games for free, and I get to watch you cheer.”

“You watch me cheer?” Alyssa said, shocked.

“Well, yeah. You’re on the squad.”

“Oh - oh, gotcha,” Alyssa stammered. “I thought you meant - “ Emma looked at her quizzically. “Never mind, I know what you meant.”
There was an awkward silence for a moment before Emma continued. “But yeah, so anyways, I’m the only person who has keys to this room - besides the janitors - so it’s where I usually go for study hall.”

“Cool,” Alyssa said, her eyes roaming between the trombones and clarinets.

“I hope you’re not allergic to dust…” Emma said nervously as Alyssa stared at the shelves.

“Nope,” she responded. “Just cats, pollen, and human weakness.”

Emma burst out laughing as she sat down on the couch and unzipped her backpack. “So, you want to start with the periodic table?

“Yeah sure,” Alyssa said tensely.

Emma nodded. “You know you can… sit down.”

“Oh,” Alyssa said blushing. She quickly plopped down on the couch next to Emma. “Sorry, I’m just kind of nervous.”

Emma smiled at her. “Why are you so nervous?”

“I’ve, uh, never been… tutored before.”

“Well, I probably won’t bite-” Emma slyly grinned and added, “-but no promises,” before baring her teeth.

Alyssa laughed, suddenly feeling at ease. “So, about this periodic table...”

“Good game, ladies,” Alyssa heard some boys on the football team call out in unison as the cheer team walked past the bleachers. Alyssa could feel their hard and heavy gaze on her as the team strut past the bench, pretending not to notice or care that their eyes lingered a little too long. She hated when the team lost; it almost seemed like it gave the boys on the team a license to be grosser than usual.

“They’re so funny,” Kaylee whispered to her and Shelby, grinning. Shelby giggled in agreement, but Alyssa struggled to respond. Sometimes, she felt like the only one who didn’t swoon over the boys’. She tried to ignore them as she glanced out into the crowd of people slowly making their way out of the bleachers.

Alyssa spotted a familiar face in the crowd. “Emma! Hey, Emma!”

Emm turned around, startled, her arms full with a snare drum. Alyssa waved at her enthusiastically, and after a moment of confusion, Emma beamed in response. They had been doing bi-weekly tutoring for two weeks now, and Alyssa felt like she was getting better at chemistry every day.

“Why are you waving to her?” Shelby asked.

“She’s my lab partner,” Alyssa explained. “Just saying hey.”

“She’s so weird,” Kaylee said as she sipped from her water bottle. “She always hangs around the marching band at games but isn’t actually in the band.”

“Kaylee, she’s the equipment manager,” Alyssa explained impatiently.

“The what?”

“You know, she makes sure all of their instruments are ready to -” Alyssa stopped explaining when she saw Kaylee wasn’t paying attention. She had rushed to catch up with her boyfriend, Nick, leaving Alyssa and Shleby behind.

“Are you going to Nick’s party after this?” Shelby asked as the two made their way to the locker rooms.

“Why is he having a party?” Alyssa asked. “We lost.”

Shelby shrugged. “I don’t know, another excuse to get drunk. Besides, there’s nothing else to do.”

“Whatever…”

“So are you coming?”

Alyssa shook her head. “Nah, my mom is picking me up soon.”

“‘Lys, please…”

“You know she’d kill me,” Alyssa responded absentmindedly. She felt her phone buzzing in her bag and reached down to fish it out.

“So, I’ll see you Sunday at church I guess?” Shelby said.

“Hm?”

“Earth to Alyssa,” Shelby said impatiently, tapping her foot. “Church? Sunday?”

“Oh,” Alyssa said. Her fingers finally closed around her phone. “Yeah, I’ll see you then. Actually, my mom is texting me to come straight to the parking lot. So I’ll see you later.”

Shelby frowned. “Lys, you okay?”

Alyssa looked at her. “Yeah… why wouldn’t I be?”

“You seemed kind of off tonight. Something bugging you?”

Alyssa sighed, defeated. “I’m just burned out. I didn’t think Varsity cheer would be this much of a time commitment.”

“You work too hard,” Shelby said, putting a protective hand on Alyssa’s shoulder. “Why don’t you come tonight? Most of the team will be there; it’ll be fun.”

"I don't know..."

"Come on, Lys, Kaylee and I really want you to come."

Alyssa gave her a half-smile, considering. “Okay, maybe I’ll-”

“Keep walking, losers,” Shelby said suddenly as a few members of the band walked past, staring at them.

“Wh-what?” one of them stuttered.

“You heard me,” Shelby repeated tensely. “Keep. Walking.”

“Was that really necessary?” Alyssa said as the band members scurried away.

“Was what necessary?”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “I’ll see you Sunday, Shelbs,” she said tersely before walking away.

“Lys, come one!” Shelby called after her, but Alyssa was already looking down at her phone.

Hey! Emma wrote. Congrats on a great game .

But we lost, Alyssa texted back.

Well, at least you looked good cheering ;)

Alyssa’s heart skipped a little bit. Thanks :) she wrote back. Been practicing too damn early in the AM for it not to be perfect.

The three little dots of typing appeared for a few seconds before Emma responded: Well hard work pays off sometimes. Kind of like that B you got on our last quiz.

Heck yeah! Alyssa typed back. She paused a moment before sending another message. Did you have fun tonight?

Lol kinda. It’s so freakin hot. I would kill for like a slushie.

Omg me too. Wanna go get some?

Really? Right now?

Sure! The 7/11 is 24 hours. And my mom won’t be here til 11.

Omg that sounds so good right now. Wanna meet me by my truck?

YES!! Are you in the student parking lot?

Yeah! Towards the back and the left side.

Alyssa broke out into a run, a fat smile spreading across her face. She couldn’t wait for a slushie.

Chapter Text

Alyssa waited until she heard the garage door close completely and counted to 100. When she was sure her mother wasn’t coming back, she ran to her room to grab her hidden treasures: a box of chocolate cake mix and a jar of vanilla frosting she had secretly purchased the day prior. She felt almost giddy with the thrill of it as she ran to the kitchen and preheated the oven. Her heart raced as she added eggs, oil, and water, stirring the ingredients in a frenzy. She knew that she shouldn’t be this excited, but her mother never let her have something as processed as packaged cake mix and frosting.

Alyssa had a very short window to prepare her contraband. Her mother was showing a house that shouldn’t last more than a few hours, which was just enough time to bake the cake, let it cool, and decorate the top.

It took only a few minutes to mix the cake batter and pour it into a small, round pan, but the forty minutes it took to bake was absolute torture. Alyssa sat next to the oven with a stack of flashcards, trying and failing to prepare herself for the chemistry test that week. She couldn’t focus at all; she was too excited about the warm chocolate smell filling the kitchen.

After what felt like an eternity, she pulled the cake out of the oven, waited fiften minutes for it to cool, and generously coatd the top in a thick layer of white frosting. When the top of the cake was completely covered, Alyssa looked at it and frowned, wishing she had something special decorate the top. Thinking fast, she grabbed some chocolate chips from the pantry and used them to spell out big letters on the top of the cake: E-M-M-A.

“Hey girl,” Alyssa said with a smile as Emma opened the door to the band closet the following day.

“Hi,” Emma said with a grin. “How was your lunch?”

“It was fine,” Alyssa replied as she slid inside. “Kaylee is deciding whether or not to get highlights, so that thrilling conversation dominated our table.”

Emma smirked. “Sounds very exciting. What was the verdict?”

“I don’t even know,” Alyssa admitted. “I zoned out so hard.”

Emma laughed as she sat down on the couch. “You know, I usually eat lunch in here, so if you ever need a break, you are always welcome to join me.”

Alyssa paused, considering. Lunch with Kaylee and Shelby wasn't nearly as fun as it used to be, and she did kind of want to get away sometimes. “You know, I think will. Thanks, Em.”

Emma shyly smiled at her. “So, want to start with the lab report?”

“Actually…” Alyssa said nonchalantly. “I was thinking we wouldn’t do work today.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said, getting excited as she reached into the tote bag she was holding and pulled out the cake pan. “I was thinking we could eat this instead!” Alyssa beamed as she placed the cake down on the table and took the foil off the top of the pan.

“What is this??” Emma gasped.

Alyssa only began to sing in response. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Emma, happy birthday to youuuuu!!!!!”

Emma giggled like mad as Alyssa sang. “You didn’t have to do this!”

“Of course I did!” Alyssa replied as she sat down next to Emma on the couch. “It’s your birthday!”

Emma’s eyes welled with tears. “Thanks, Alyssa,” she said, throwing her arms around her friend.

Alyssa felt Emma hug her tightly; she was clearly moved. She smiled as rest her head on Emma’s shoulder, where she could faintly smell Emma’s shampoo. With their chests pressed together, she could feel Emma's heart beat against her own. “I hope you like chocolate,” she whispered.

Emma pulled away from the hug, a little faster than Alyssa would have liked. “Are you kidding?” Emma said.

“Just making sure,” Alyssa said lightly, shaking off a weird, anxious feeling that suddenly came over her while she fished two forks, a knife, and paper plates out of her backpack.

They quickly each ate a piece, and then a second, and then a third. 

“Oh my god, I might barf on the pyramid at practice today,” Alyssa moaned as she shoved another forkful in her mouth.

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Emma quipped.

“Hey!” Alyssa said, faux-indignant. “Those are my ~teammates~.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” Emma joked, quickly shoving more cake in her mouth and mashing her face into it in the process. She made fake-loud chewing sounds. “Too much cake, can’t hear a thing.”

“You have frosting all over your nose,” Alyssa said laughing.

Emma swiped her palm against her nose a few times. “Did I get it all?”

“Nope,” Alyssa said with a giggle. WIthout thinking, she leaned in and gently wiped her thumb across Emma’s nose to get the last of the frosting. It didn’t occur to her how intimate that was until she was inches away from Emma’s face, close enough to feel that Emma had stopped breathing.

Time stood still for a moment as Alyssa and Emma made eye contact. Alyssa suddenly became hyper-aware of how everything on her body felt: her tight shirt against her torso, the sticky feeling of frosting in her mouth, the soft fabric of the couch, Emma’s thigh pressed against her own. The weird, anxious feeling flooded back into Alyssa's body, twisting in her chest in ways that she didn't quite understand. 

She had never really noticed Emma’s eyes before. They were a really pretty light brown color, not quite hazel, but almost gold.

“Hey Alyssa?” Emma whispered gently, breaking the painful silence.

Alyssa swallowed, trying not to give away her anxiety. “Y-yes?”

Quickly, Emma reached down a swiped some frosting off the top of the cake. Before she could react, Emma had smeared it across Alyssa's cheeks and nose.

Alyssa’s jaw dropped while Emma grinned, “You've got a little something on your face.”

Alyssa grinned and immediately retaliated, smearing even more frosting on Emma’s face. Soon, it became an all-out frosting fight, leaving both girls laughing so hard they cried. Alyssa was laughing so hard that she almost didn’t notice her heart racing.

Chapter Text

“Alyssa,” Shelby called as she jogged towards the parking lot. It was a chilly Wednesday afternoon, and cheer practice had just ended for the day. Alyssa was just about to step into the passenger seat of her mother’s car when Shelby caught up to her. “A bunch of us are going to Steak ‘n Shake. Come on.”

Alyssa hesitated. “Who’s a bunch of us?”

“Me and Kaylee, Laura and Jessica, Hailey, Kate, Taylor, and Ashley. And I think also Stephanie and Rebecca. And maybe Erika and Eva.”

Alyssa bit the inside of her cheek. Shelby had just rattled off half the squad; Alyssa knew that she shouldn’t sit this out, but she had a ton of chemistry studying left to do and her head was killing her.

“‘Lys, come on,” Shelby said impatiently, looking over her shoulder. Her eyes widened expectantly. “Laura said she would give us a ride.” Laura, the senior captain of the squad. Shelby’s wide eyes told her everything she needed to know: this would be one of those crucial social climbing moments that Alyssa needed if she was going to be a cheer captain senior year. And there was no way she wasn’t going to be cheer captain.

“Mom, can I go with them?” Alyssa said.

“Don’t you have a chemistry test tomorrow?” Mrs. Greene asked.

“We’ve been studying together all week,” Shelby lied quickly. “We had a whole review session yesterday in class.”

“If you can get a ride home from one of the girls and be home by seven-”

“Laura can drive you,” Shelby said cheerfully, yanking Alyssa out of the car by her arm.

“Thanks, Mrs. G!” Shelby waived brightly because pulling Alyssa across the parking lot with her. It wasn’t long before Alyssa was wedged in a booth between Laura and Kaylee, surrounded by milkshakes and plates of fries, regretting her choice.

Alyssa squirmed in her seat as she texted under the table to Emma: I feel like I’m going to explode.

She waited impatiently for Emma’s reply. Hey, at least you get a milkshake out of it :) Your mom would never let you eat that.

Alyssa smiled inwardly; Emma always could make the best of a bad situation. True, she texted back.

What flavor did you get?

Chocolate brownie :D

YUM!!! Emma texted back. You better save me some…

No chance. I deserve it after suffering through the debate about pom poms.

Emma sent back a crying emoji. Why do you hate me??

“‘’Lys”, Kaylee said, poking her. “What do you think?”

Alyssa hurriedly shoved her phone into my pocket. “Think about what?”

“The dance! Who do you want to ask you?”

“Oh…” Alyssa said, twirling her straw. “I don’t know….” Truthfully, she hadn’t really thought about it. Between the hundred things she was doing, she had barely remembered that the winter formal was even coming up.

“I think I know who you might want to ask you,” Kaylee said with a teasing voice. Everyone suddenly was looking at the two of them, and Alyssa hated it.

“Who?”

“I don’t know, maybe someone who sits next to you in chemistry,” Kaylee replied with a grin, sipping her milkshake.

Alyssa froze, confused and horrified. “Do you mean… Emma?”

Kaylee choked on her milkshake. “WHAT?? No, you dork, I meant Greg!”

Shelby and a few other girls burst out laughing, and Alyssa felt her face turning red. “Greg doesn’t sit next to me, he sits behind me,” Alyssa clarified, trying to cover it up. “Emma is my lab partner, so she sits next to me.”

“Literally, whatever,” Kaylee said, laughing.  “You know what I meant. It’s not like you would go to the dance with Emma .”

“Emma who?” asked Laura, dipping a fry into Alyssa’s shake.

“Nolan. She’s in our grade.”

“Ugh, that girl is so weird,” Eva said from across the table. “She’s in the marching band with my brother and he says she’s a total dyke.”

Dyke.

Alyssa felt something in her stomach sink, and she wasn't quite sure why. 

“Well, she’s a good lab partner, we always get As on our lab reports,” Alyssa said tightly as the other girls murmured in agreement with Eva. She felt herself clenching her fists again, her fingernails digging deep cuts into her palms.

“Just hope that no boys see you with her, or they’ll think you’re one too,” Laura said, stealing more of Alyssa’s shake. Without asking, Alyssa noticed.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t want people to think you’re a dyke-” Eva began.

“Can you stop saying that?!” Alyssa spat at her, louder than she expected. The whole table fell silent. Eva’s eyes grew wide, and the whole table turned to stare at Alyssa.

She felt her stomach drop into her shoes, and she wasn’t quite sure why. Alyssa had no idea why she shouted like that, but she just felt so on edge and defensive all of a sudden. Besides, it wasn’t like Emma was really a lesbian, people just said she was because she dressed weird and had short hair. It wasn’t like she was actually gay.

“She’s just too nice for her own good,” Shelby said finally, breaking the awkward silence. “Saint Alyssa, holier than thou, I guess Bible camp taught you a little too well.”

Everyone laughed politely, and the topic changed. Alyssa fell deadly silent as she sipped her milkshake, ignoring the pointed looks from Shelby across the table.

“You can walk from here, right?” Laura said, glancing over at Shelby and Alyssa. “It’s not that far.”

Shelby nodded brightly; she lived just a few houses down. But Alyssa froze, calculating. The walk would be about a half hour, maybe forty minutes at most, but it was freezing cold outside. Laura didn’t really expect her to walk, did she?

“Um, it’s kind of far…” Alyssa said.

“It’s not that far,” Shelby interjected, quickly cutting her off. “Thanks so much for the ride, Laura!”

“Yeah, um, see you tomorrow,” Alyssa stammed as Shelby shoved her out of the car. Laura gave the two a half-hearted wave before heading into her own house, not bothering to look back at them.

“Shelbs, I don’t want to walk from here,” Alyssa said, staring down the road. She put on her gloves and scarf, staring at Laura’s closed door.  “Can you give me a ride from your house?”

Shelby shook her head in a panic as the two started off down the block. “My mom thinks I was at the library all afternoon, if she knew you were with me she would totally flip.”

“Shelby-”

“Come on, it’s only like two miles,” Shelby whined as picked up her pace.

Alyssa sighed, seeing her breath in the cold air. “Please? I don’t feel well.”

“Why, because Eva was giving you a hard time about your lab partner? ”

Alyssa was suddenly thankful for her gloves; she wouldn’t be able to claw Shelby’s eyes out.

“I hate when you guys make fun of her,” Alyssa admitted, kicking the ground a little as they walked.

“Why?”

“She’s not as weird as everyone says, she’s actually kind of cool.”

“How would you know? You only see her in class.”

Alyssa didn’t respond, just cleared her throat nervously. It suddenly felt raw. “Shelby, I really don’t want to walk the whole way back. Can you make up some excuse to your mom?”

“You know she wouldn’t buy it,” Shelby. “Lys, what is going on with you?”

“I’m just really tired,” Alyssa whimpered. “My head hurts and the milkshake is making me feel gross.”

“Well, then take an Advil,” Shelby said. “I know you didn’t want to go today, but if you want to be cheer captain next year, then you have to show up a little more with the team.”

Alyssa said nothing, they were already at Shelby’s house. “I gotta go,” Shelby said, backing away. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah see you,” Alyssa said quietly, not looking Shelby in the eye. Shelby sighed and squeezed Alyssa hand before bounding up the steps to her front door.

Alyssa sighed, plugged her headphones into her phone, and began the long walk home.

Chapter Text

When Alyssa’s alarm went off the next morning, she knew there was no way she would be going to school. She hadn’t slept at all- her head was pounding all night, her throat was killing her, and she was so, so cold. She felt awful - she knew she had been coming down with something yesterday, and walking home in the freezing weather last night didn’t help at all. There was no way she felt well enough to go to school that day.

Alyssa sighed - it was her fault for walking so far in the cold. Well, it was Laura’s fault for not driving her.

Shaking, she stood up, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and shuffled down the stairs. Each step felt exhausting, and by the time she reached the bottom, she felt ready to collapse. She nervously cleared her throat as she watched her mom shuffling papers in her briefcase.

“Mom?” she said timidly. Her mother didn’t hear her. She cleared her throat again and repeated herself, a little louder. “Mom?”

“What, Alyssa?” her mother replied, not looking up.

“Mom, I don’t feel well, can I stay home?”

“Alyssa,” her mother began, shuffling papers more furiously. “I know you don’t want to take that chemistry test, I told you that going out with your friends yesterday wasn’t a good idea, but you can’t shy away from your responsibilities-”

“ MOM,” Alyssa half shouted. She wasn’t sure why she yelled, and to her shame and horror she started to cry.

Mrs. Greene looked up and finally saw her daughter, and her face softened. One look at Alyssa’s ashen face and she could tell her daughter wasn’t faking it. “Oh, hon, I’m sorry,” Mrs. Greene said, and wrapped her daughter in a hug.

“I- I’m sorry,” Alyssa choked through her sobs. She wasn’t quite sure why she was crying but she felt so miserable that she couldn’t seem to stop.

Her mother placed a hand on her forehead - she was burning hot. “Head back up to bed,” Mrs. Greene said. “I’ll call the school and be right up.” Alyssa nodded, sniffled, and barreled up the stairs to her room.

Tears flew down her face as Alyssa crawled back into her bed. God, this is humiliating she thought as she swiped at her streaming tears. She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose, sinking back into bed. She was just so tired, physically and mentally exhausted; she felt like she couldn’t imagine another day school every again. She knew it was just her fever making her irrational and angry, but she couldn't help it. She was mad at Kaylee and Shelby, mad at Laura, and mostly mad at herself.

Her mom returned a few minutes later with a thermometer which quickly confirmed school wasn’t an option. “102,” Mrs. Greene said. “I didn’t realize you hated chemistry quite this much.”

Alyssa cracked a smile for the first time that morning - she was a little surprised to see her mom so caring. “You poor thing. I’ll run and grab a few things, why don’t you text your cheer team you’ll be missing practice?”

Ah, the cheer team, Alyssa thought. Wouldn’t want them to be too concerned. As her mother left the room, she quickly texted the group chat that she was out sick and wouldn’t be at practice.

Within seconds, Shelby texted her privately: “Are you actually sick or just faking it??”

Alyssa rolled her eyes and took a picture of the numbers on the thermometer, wordlessly texting the image to the group chat. She knew it was passive aggressive, but she didn’t really care. A few half-hearted “K, feel better!”s chimed in from the girls, as well as a slightly lengthier and private apology from Shelby, but Alyssa didn’t care. She had already started composing a new text:

Hey Em, out sick today :/ so won’t be in chem or the closet. Good luck on the test today! You’ll kill it.

Emma responded instantly: Oh no :( I’m so sorry, hope you feel better soon! Drink plenty of tea and get lots of sleep. Xo.

Alyssa felt her heart flutter, and clutched her phone to her chest as she smiled. She thought about Emma sitting alone in class later today without her, and suddenly, she felt very, very lonely. But before she could compose a response, her mom was already back. Within minutes, Alyssa was lying down with a cold compress on her forehead and a heavy dose of Ny-Quil knocking her out, unable to think about what that Xo meant.

Plink. Plink. Plink.

Alyssa stirred from her nap and gazed at her alarm clock. Much to her shock, it was just around 11 in the morning. Her mother must have let her sleep in. Alyssa remembered her mother coming to check on her late last night, maybe around 10, and her fever was still high; it was clear Alyssa would be missing a second day of school, so no reason to wake her when she left for work.

Plink. Plink. Plink.

Alyssa sat up, rubbing her eyes. She groaned as she realized that she hadn’t texted the cheer group chat she would be out sick again today. Whatever, she thought, they can figure it out.

Plink. Plink.

What was that noise? Alyssa got out of bed and followed the sound to her window, where she realized tiny rocks were hitting it. Or rather, being thrown. Alyssa opened the window and much to her shock she saw someone on the street, gently throwing the rocks up against her window. Alyssa gaped as she caught sight of familiar head blonde hair peaking out from under a knit wool hat. Alyssa rubbed her eyes again, shocked at what she was seeing.

“Emma?”

Emma waved from the street, her breath visible in the cold winter air even from the second floor. Alyssa stared at her for a moment in shock before racing downstairs to let her inside.

“What are you doing here?” Alyssa asked as she opened the front door. “Shouldn’t you be in school?” Her voice cracked as she spoke, thick with congestion, and Emma gave her a sympathetic smile.

“You’ve been gone for two days and I was worried,” Emma said, sadly looking Alyssa up and down.

“Worried?”

“You know, about you falling behind in classes,” Emma explained, shifting her weight to her other foot. 

“Oh,” Alyssa said. She was strangely… disappointed. “Here I was hoping that you missed me,” she teased.

Emma laughed. “Well, that too,” she replied casually. But did Alyssa detected her blushing a little bit? No, it had to be her imagination. It was just the cold weather. "I've been texted you but hadn't heard anything..."

"I was asleep most of yesterday," Alyssa explained. 

"Good, because you look awful," Emma replied, not unkindly.

Alyssa grinned; she was sure she did. "Gee, thanks. What's in the bag?" she asked, glancing down at the paper bag Emma was balancing on her hip.

“I brought supplies,” Emma replied, noticing her gaze.

“Supplies?”

“Soup, cough drops, Emergen-C, magazines, garbage romcoms,” Emma explained with a grin. “You know, the basics.”

Alyssa’s heart swelled as she wrapped her blanket more tightly around her shoulders. “You didn’t have to do that-” she started to say, but her words got lost in a coughing fit.

Emma smirked. “Sure sounds like I did.”

Alyssa cleared her throat and smiled. “Well, you might as well come in. My mom won’t be home til 5.”

“Finally, it’s freezing out here,” Emma complained. Alyssa swatted at her with the corner of her blanket before leading her inside. She was feeling better already.

Emma carefully shifted her arm so she could look down at her watch. It was four o’clock; she knew she should get going. But Alyssa slept so peacefully, Emma didn’t want to risk waking her. Their bodies were snugly fit in Alyssa’s bed; after lunch, they had decided to watch a movie, but a very sleepy Alyssa wanted to lie down. The two were intertwined in the twin bed, Alyssa’s head resting in the crook of Emma’s neck with Emma's arm wrapped around her shoulders.

“Alyssa?” she whispered carefully, testing to see if she was awake. She wasn’t. She gently placed a hand on Alyssa’s forehead - she was still warm, but slightly less than earlier. Emma stared down at Alyssa, her wrinkled pajama top, her tangled hair, her bright pink nose. Emma thought she was beautiful.

Emma sighed; she knew Mrs. Greene would be home from work soon, and she needed to be long gone by then. But she wanted to savor this, being alone with Alyssa, feeling her soft, warm skin against her own, away from any judgemental eyes. Carefully, Emma slid her body away from Alyssa’s and shimmed out from under the covers. As quietly as she could, Emma rose from the bed, doing her best not to wake Alyssa from her peaceful nap. Once she was safely out of bed, she tucked the blankets around Alyssa’s sleeping body. She bent down to pull the blanket up to Alyssa’s chin and found herself inches from Alyssa’s face -

And then suddenly found herself gently kissing Alyssa.

It was so gentle. 

It lasted only a second. 

So fast, Emma wasn't sure at first it had happened. 

Emma pulled away, startled at her own actions.

She hadn’t meant to do it; it was almost like it was involuntary. But the second their lips touched, she felt in incredible heat swell in her chest and spread throughout her entire body. It was like electricity filled her veins.  

She stepped back from the bed and froze, expecting Alyssa to scream or shove her away - but she was still asleep. Emma closed her eyes; her heart was pounding like a drum as she picked up her backpack, carefully stepped out of the room, and pulled the door shut.

Idiot, Emma thought to herself. Thank God she was asleep.

And at the same instant, on the other side of the closed door, Alyssa bolted upright in shock. Her mind was racing as realized what just happened. WHAT just happened?

Chapter Text

Alyssa took a deep breath and counted to ten before scurrying the door to her chemistry class. She flashed an apologetic smile to her teacher before sliding into her seat, feigning embarrassment at being late yet again, like every other day this week. She made herself busy unpacking her notebook and pencils as her teacher lectured on s- and p- orbitals, pretending to be so distracted that she couldn’t notice the lonely stares from the girl sitting next to her.

It was her fifth day back since the flu from hell, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep this up much longer. If she kept being late to chemistry, she was bound to get detention sooner or later, and that was not an option. But being on time meant having to talk to Emma, and that was also not an option. She was looking forward to the weekend, where she wouldn’t be forced to ignore Emma’s sad, puppy dog frown when Alyssa refused to make eye contact with her.

Alyssa didn’t mean to ghost her. But she just had no idea what to say.

She kept thinking back to that moment in her bedroom. She had been half asleep when the ki- when it happened. She wasn’t even sure it happened; maybe it was just a weird fever dream. That’s what it had to be. Because there was no way Emma would do that. They were just friends.

As she replayed the scene for the 100th time, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She flinched and turned around to see Greg passing her a note. Alyssa took it, confused, while noticing that almost everyone was trying not to stare at the two of them.

“Winter Formal?” it read in big block letters. Below were checkboxes that said “Yes”, “No”, and “Maybe”.

Did he steal that from a 90s sitcom? Alyssa thought to herself. She quickly made eye contact with Kaylee across the room, who was beaming. “ I told you so,” she whispered.

Alyssa stared down at the note, acutely aware that she was the center of attention for everyone in the room. Everyone including Emma.

Since everyone was watching her, she figured she’d better put on the show they were expecting. With more than a little dramatic flourish, she grabbed a gel pen from her pencil pouch, marked “yes” on the note, folded it twice, and kissed it before passing it behind her back to Greg.

The class went wild - well, as wild as they could in the middle of a lecture. Whispers and giggles quickly escalated, and Alyssa smiled gamely as she pretended to focus on her notes, trying to ignore the deep pit in her stomach.

Normally she loved being the center of attention. But instead of making her feel special, she just felt… icky.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Emma lean away in her chair, putting as much physical distance between them as possible. It made her feel even worse. She knew she had to pretend to be happy for everyone to see, but the more she thought about what she just did, the more she felt like garbage.

It's like the real me is invisible.

When class ended, Alyssa knew people would still be watching her, so she quickly stood up and flashed Greg what she hoped was a seductive smile before bolting from the room. She got to her locker and hurriedly began exchanging her chemistry books with the ones she needed for French class, hoping she was moving quickly enough so that-

“What the hell was that?”

Crap.

Alyssa turned around and found Emma standing behind her, looking dejected.

Alyssa felt her chest grow tight. She had been dreading this conversation all week, but it had to happen sooner or later. “What was what?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” Emma said. “Three weeks ago you told me you thought Greg looked like a leek, and now you’re going to winter formal with him?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Alyssa said, letting a thousand unsaid words fill her body.

“Ok, well why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Alyssa said simply, woodenly. The lie sounded stale as she said it; it tasted like ash in her mouth.

“Yes you are. You didn’t come to the band closet yesterday or Tuesday -”

“I missed two days of school. I had stuff to make up.”

Emma crossed her arms. “Well, you also haven’t answered my texts, and you go out of your way to not look at me even when I’m sitting next to you.”

Alyssa felt her face got hot as she closed her locker. “I’ve been really busy. I was sick-”

“Yeah, I know,” Emma spat back. “I was there, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember when you left,” Alyssa said before she could stop herself.

Emma turned white. “What- what do you mean?”

“I mean I was awake the whole time when you- when you left.” Emma stared at her wordlessly. “I- I wasn’t sure at first, if it was a dream, but I’m sure now.”

Emma’s chin began to tremble. Thinking fast, she grabbed Alyssa by the wrist and dragged down the hall, so fast Alyssa was tripping over her feet, before she pulled her into the band closet.

“Emma, what the hell?” Alyssa cried as Emma slammed the door behind her.

“Don’t. Tell. Anyone,” Emma begged, shaking with fear. “ PLEASE.”

Alyssa was stricken. “Emma, I won’t,” she said slowly, watching her friend shake in front of her. “So.. it’s true? You really are gay?”

Emma nodded tentatively. “The only person who knows is my grandma. Please, ‘Lys, don’t tell anyone.”

“I mean, everyone already knows,” Alyssa said, thinking about what Eva said at Steak n Shake last week. So it's true. 

Emma shook her head. “No they don’t, everyone just thinks I’m … weird. I need to figure out how to tell parents, I can’t have them find out from someone else. Please, Alyssa, don’t tell anyone.”

“I… I won’t,” Alyssa said carefully, and then more firmly. “Emma, I won’t.” She watched Emma visibly relax.

“Thank you,” Emma breathed.

“Of course,” Alyssa replied. She swallowed before asking the question that had been on her mind for days. “But… why did you kiss me?”

Emma paused, looking at Alyssa’s eyes. Alyssa felt like Emma was staring right into her soul. “Because... I think you wanted me to.”

Alyssa was speechless; that was not what she was expecting. “What? Emma, I’m not gay, I’m-”

“Perfectly normal, just like everyone else, right?” Emma shook her head. “Alyssa, I’ve been… feeling something lately, something about you. And I just wanted you to know… that I’m here. Whether or not you feel the same way, I just wanted to put it out there, that this is what I’m feeling for you. And that no matter what... I'm here.”

Alyssa was dumbstruck. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry as she figured out what to say next.  “Emma, I…I'm flattered, but I don’t like you like that. I’m not like you. I mean, I- I don’t like girls.”

“Are you sure?”

Alyssa narrowed her eyes, feeling her heart pick up. “What.. what do you mean, am I sure?”

“Alyssa, I’ve … noticed the way you look at me. You can’t honestly tell me you’re just here for chemistry tutoring.”

Alyssa felt her face suddenly grow red with embarrassment, and then anger. What was she implying? How dare she?? Who was Emma Nolan to say something like that? She was wrong, so wrong. So totally off base. “Well, maybe I was just here for tutoring. And maybe I’m not any more.”

“Alyssa-”’

“No, Emma, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Alyssa said, her heart starting to beat faster and faster. Suddenly, everything felt far away, like she was outside of her body. As she felt a deep panic set in, Alyssa knew she had to get out of there, fast. She reached for the door knob, but Emma was quicker and blocked the door with her arm.

“Alyssa, please don’t-”

“I’m not a dyke!” Alyssa screamed as she shoved Emma away from her, startling them both. Both girls gasped as Emma lost her balance and fell backwards to the ground against a row of music stands, which came clattering to the floor around her. Alyssa stood frozen as the room shook with the banging noises of the stands hitting the ground. Each bang felt like a slap in the face.

When it was finally silent, Emma looked up at her from the floor, dejected and hurt.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” Alyssa whispered, and she ran out the door, not looking back.

Chapter Text

A week later, Alyssa was doodling in her notebook when Emma wordlessly slid into the seat next to hers. Alyssa dropped her pencil in shock. “Em, you’re back!” Alyssa breathed, but Emma didn’t even look at her.

Emma had missed a full week of school after their fight Friday afternoon. Every day in chemistry, Alyssa nervously prepared what she would say when Emma arrived for class, but she never showed up. Alyssa thought about texting her an apology, but the message she drafted 100 times never seemed to be quite right. After cheer practice on Wednesday, she walked by Emma’s house, but her truck was never parked in the driveway, so Alyssa didn’t ring the doorbell.

The guilt of their last interaction ate her alive. She felt awful, but she didn’t know what she should do. During study hall every day, Alyssa sat alone on the couch in the band closet, clutching her knees to her chest and replaying their fight in her head.

I’m not a dyke! she had screamed, as if forcing it to be real. 

It was real. She couldn’t be gay. She wasn’t. 

But then she got to thinking. She thought about the months Emma spent tutoring her, how Alyssa was always looking forward to their meetings, how sometimes she would skip lunch to get there sooner because Emma was quickly becoming the only person she wanted to see. How Emma could always find a way to make her smile on a bad day, how whenever she got good news Emma was the first to tell. How they would stay up texting until 2 in the morning, talking about anything and nothing, and how when her mother was yelling at her, she would scroll through the messages until she felt better.

And then she thought about how when she was sick, when she was curled up in Emma’s arms, she finally felt safe and at peace. How when Emma was holding her, she never, ever wanted her to let go. 

“Em, can we talk after class?” Alyssa said quietly. There was no response.

“We got our tests back,” Alyssa said. Emma silently opened her notebook and turned to an empty page, ignoring her. 

“I got an A,” Alyssa whispered. 

“Good for you,” Emma said simply as she uncapped her pen. She started to title and date the notes, not looking at Alyssa.

Their teacher started talking, so Alyssa texted her under the table. Can we talk after class?

There really isn’t anything to talk about.

Why were you gone so long?

Instead of responding, Emma turned off her phone and slipped it into her bag.

Alyssa struggled to hold back tears as Emma looked away from her. She felt absolutely awful for hurting her, but more than anything else, she missed her friend. A giant pit formed in her stomach, and she spent the next hour counting the minutes on the clock until the bell rang for next period.

“Em, can we-” Alyssa said, but Emma had already jumped out of her seat and started out the door. Alyssa began to follow her, but someone stepped in her way. 

“Hey, Alyssa,” Greg said with a smile. “How was your weekend?”

“It was… good-” Alyssa said, trying to step around him. It was no use, Greg was a nuisance. 

“Great,” he said brightly. “I went to Chicago with my parents.”

“Good for you,” Alyssa said dryly, trying not to roll her eyes. By now Emma was long gone, but she didn’t want to talk to Greg a second longer than she had to. She noticed Kaylee and Shelby heading for the door and quickly called after them, seeing an escape. “Kaylee, Shlebs, wait up!”

The two turned to her and smiled when they saw her with Greg. Alyssa ignored their cheshire cat grins as she walked towards them, Greg trailing a few steps away with Nick and Kevin not far behind. “How was your weekend?”

“It was good,” Kaylee said absentmindedly as she twirled her hair. “We missed you at church.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said as they walked out of the classroom. “I just had a ton of homework and wasn’t really-”

Alyssa was suddenly cut off by laughter booming down the hall. She picked up her pace to investigate the source, and she saw three things all at once. 

She saw a huge cloud of students milling around Emma’s locker. She saw a flash of Emma’s hair, her flannel shirt, her converse sneakers, running down the hall. And then she saw a word, spray painted on Emma’s locker. 

Dyke, in big, angry red letters.

Alyssa felt her heart splinter as the laughter of her classmates grew louder, and then quiet as the world began to feel very far away. Her mouth suddenly became dry and her palms grew sweaty as she spun around to Kaylee and Shelby, both with their jaws dropped. 

“Oh.. my… GOD,” Kaylee said as grabbed Nick’s hand. “Did you know about this?”

Nick grinned at Greg, who was high fiving Kevin. “Greg’s dad overheard Pastor Smith talking to somebody yesterday at church, and apparently Emma is a giant lezbo.”

Alyssa turned to Greg. “Did you do this?” Alyssa whispered, her heart pounding so hard she was afraid it might rip out of her chest. Greg only grinned in response.

Without thinking twice, she swiftly raised her knee into Greg’s groin, leaving him howling on the ground. She ignored Kaylee and Shelby’s surprised shrieks as Nick and Kevin helped Greg back to his feet and began running down the hall as fast as she could, her palms tightly clenched in angry fury.

It wasn’t long before Alyssa reached the band closet and flung open the door, where a very sad looking Emma was curled up on the couch, her knees tucked into her chest as she stared blankly at the ground. 

“Emma,” Alyssa murmured as she shut the door, all the anger draining from her body as sadness filled its place. “Are you okay?”

Idiot. Of course she’s not okay.

Emma said nothing, shivering silently and gasping for breath. Alyssa took off her jacked and quickly wrapped it around Emma’s shoulders. She sat down and placed a gentle hand on Emma’s back, rubbing in slow circles. “Just breathe,” Alyssa said gently.

They sat like that for what felt like an eternity before Emma broke the silence. “I can’t believe everyone knows,” she whimpered.

“Em, I didn’t tell anyone, I swear,” Alyssa pleaded. “You have to believe me-”

“I know you didn’t,” Emma replied, shaking her head. “It doesn’t matter now, my life is going to be hell.”

“They’re morons,” Alyssa said fiercely. “Just ignore them.”

Emma rubbed her very tired looking eyes with her palms. “I knew I shouldn’t have come back.”

“Em, why were you gone so long? Did something happen?”

Alyssa was met with silence again, and Emma began to shake even more. Alyssa patiently kept rubbing her back, but Emma didn’t speak.

“Were you sick? Did you catch what I had?”

Emma shook her head, wordlessly. “Then what?” They sat in silence again, Emma shivering while Alyssa continued to rub her back.

“My parents kicked me out,” Emma finally said.

“What?” Alyssa gasped. “What do you mean they kicked you out?”

“I mean, I told them I was gay, and they said I wasn’t welcome in their home anymore.”

“Emma…” Alyssa was at a loss for words. This wasn’t really happening; this couldn’t be real. 

“So I packed up my truck and drove to my grandma’s,” Emma said, answering the unspoken question as tears overflowed from her eyes. “So … I guess I live there now.” 

“Emma, I’m so, so sorry,” Alyssa said, placing her arm around Emma’s shaking body, squeezing her tightly. Emma gave in and placed her head in Alyssa’s lap, letting the sobs she had been holding back finally come.

Alyssa began softly stroking Emma’s hair as she felt her heart shatter. It was overwhelming how much Alyssa found herself hurting in that moment. She couldn’t imagine the pain Emma must be feeling, and in that moment she would have done anything to make it go away. She had never felt hurt like this before, never had been so heartbroken for someone else. 

This is what love is, she realized. When you care more about someone else’s happiness than your own. 

“I just…” Emma choked through her sobs. “I just feel so alone.”

“You aren’t alone,” Alyssa said. “You have me.”

With that, Emma sat up and shook her head. “No I don’t,” she said, shaking her head as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. 

“You could have called me,” Alyssa said. 

Emma shrugged her away. “No, I couldn’t have,” she spat back through her tears. 

“Emma, I’m so, so sorry for what happened last week,” Alyssa stammered. 

“Which part? When you called me a dyke, or when you gave me a giant bruise on my ass?”

She couldn’t look Emma in the eye, so she turned her eyes to her lap. “I was awful,” Alyssa whispered. “I was cruel, and you didn’t deserve that. I was just … so embarrassed.” 

“Why? What do you have to be embarrassed about?”

“Because you knew what I didn’t.”

Alyssa felt the whole world stand still in that moment. She couldn’t believe she said it out loud. It was like a giant weight had been lifted off her, and she felt like lightning was coursing through her veins. She looked down at her hands, ready to unclench her fists, but her hands were already relaxed. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Em, you saw me when no one else did, when I couldn’t even see myself. I keep trying so hard to be what other people want me to be, but I’m figuring out who I want to be. And I think the only thing I want to be is…”

“Is what?”

“Is with you.”

Emma stared at her; she had stopped shivering. “Alyssa, do you mean...?”

“Yeah, I think I do,” Alyssa said, not saying the words. She looked at Emma, their eyes locking as Alyssa scooted closer to her on the couch. She stopped thinking and said the words that she had been wanting to say all week.  “I don’t know how you knew before I did, but you were right, Em. I want to be with you.”

Emma placed a hand on Alyssa’s thigh, testing out how it felt to be closer. Alyssa didn’t pull away. “Can I tell you something?” Emma whispered as they finally made eye contact. “That day in your bedroom… that was my first kiss.”

“Really?” 

Emma nodded, embarrassed, and ducked her head. 

“Well…” Alyssa looked up at Emma before she could stop herself. “I’ve kissed other people before. But you were the only one that mattered.”

Emma turned to her, shocked, and before she could say anything, Alyssa gently grabbed her face, leaned in, and kissed her.

It was gentle, so gentle as if something might break. Alyssa could feel Emma stop breathing, as if the breath was stolen from her lungs. Alyssa was overwhelmed at how soft Emma's lips where, her senses flooding as she marveled in the contact.

It was hard to tell who was more shocked in the moments after their lips touched; both their eyes were closed and then flew open in surprise. After a moment, their lips parted ever so slightly, and Alyssa leaned back just an inch.

“Was that… okay?” Alyssa whispered. 

Instead of responding, Emma placed a hand on the back of Alyssa’s head and pulled her in close again, their lips pressing together again. 

It was much firmer this time, as they were both much more sure of themselves. Their noses brushed briefly as they leaned in, and Alyssa felt so off balance that she nearly fell. She placed her hand on Emma’s thigh to steady herself, squeezing gently. She felt Emma’s hand slide slowly to the back of her neck, her fingers lightly tracing the soft skin under Alyssa’s ear for a few moments, before dropping down to the tender small of her back, holding Alyssa steady. 

For the first time, Alyssa stopped feeling things. The anxious, angry energy that always seemed to fill her body just dissolved as she lost the ability to think or feel anything other than Emma. There was no more school, no more cheer team, no more student council or church. They weren’t in a dark closet, sitting on an old, musty couch. They were the center of the universe, the only thing in the whole world that existed. It was just her, and Emma, kissing.

After what felt like so long but not nearly long enough, space formed again between their faces. 

“Wow,” Emma gasped, pulling away slightly to catch her breath.

“Wow,” Alyssa echoed, smiling bigger than she ever though she could. 

“That was pretty magical,” Emma said, her eyes opening slowly.

“Yeah,” Alyssa said, almost giggling with joy.

“So… you like me?”

“Yeah."

"And… I really like you.”

Alyssa’s grin grew even wider. “Glad to hear it.”

“So does that make us. . . .?”

“I think it does.”

“Do you think….” Emma started to say, but she cut herself off.

“Think what?”

Emma laughed out loud, a twinkle in her eye. “No, I can’t say it, it’s too ridiculous.” 

“Okay, now you have to tell me,” Alyssa said impatiently.

“Do you think we’ll ever come out of this closet?”

Alyssa was dumbstruck for a moment before she started laughing hysterically. It was too perfect. Emma started laughing with her, and soon the two couldn’t stop. They had never laughed so hard; they laughed until they cried, until their stomach hurt, until they couldn’t catch their breath. But underneath it all, underneath their joy, Alyssa was silently answering Emma’s question.

Not yet, but someday, she vowed. Someday, I will.