Chapter Text
Jyn Erso had long hair. It was dark and reached down to the bottom of her shoulder blades, but most people would never have guessed it because she always kept it up. Her mother used to braid it every single night before Jyn went to sleep.
“It keeps the knots out, Stardust,” she would whisper softly and press a gentle kiss to her head. Jyn didn’t care if her hair was knotted until the first night it got tangled, which was also the first night her mother wasn’t there to braid it.
Jyn took her hair out when she hid in the bunker. She decided that if she was bad enough maybe her mother would just have to wake up and come to yell at her not to let her hair down like that. So Jyn took her hair out of it’s braids and sat there in the glow of the lantern, wishing it would knot faster.
When the metal grate had opened and Saw offered her a hand to help her out, her hair was matted and knotted and stringy.
The first night, she was given clothing that was too big, food that her parents would never have let her eat, a red soda pop with Aurebesh lettering on the front, and a wooden brush to untangle her hair.
She finished the food and wore the clothing and tried to untangle her hair by herself, but it was too knotted and it hurt too much and she couldn’t reach the back. That night, she went to find Saw, who was poured over a few maps in his quarters on the ship. He let her in, but she didn’t move from her spot by the door.
“What's wrong, child?” He had asked her and put the maps down. She shifted awkwardly and thought about how her mother had told her she could trust him. Anyone her mother liked must have been good because her parents did not have friends. Quickly and abruptly, she shoved the hair comb she’d been given forward.
“Do you know how to braid hair?” She asked softly. He hadn’t moved from his desk and stared her down, for a few minutes. She could feel her chest clamp up and suddenly, she regretted coming into the room, very, very much. So she started talking, rambling like she did when she was in trouble at home, when her mama had yelled at her and when papa had raised his eyebrows asking if she was sorry. Somehow, Saw’s look was worse and she had only just met him. “It doesn’t need to be pretty, that’s okay, but mama used to braid it every night so it didn’t get tangled and I don’t think I can braid it myself and it’s all tangled now and I love my hair and my mama did too and I don’t want to cut it and-” Saw cut her off without even speaking. He raised a hand for her to be quiet and immediately she did. He motioned for her to come sit in front of him and tentatively, Jyn crossed the room’s distance. He held out his hand for the comb and she placed it in his hand.
“I can brush it for you,” he said. “But I don’t know how to braid it.” Jyn nodded as the comb pulled through her hair sharply and she stared to the front of the room where Saw’s bed was.
“I’m sorry it’s tangled,” she said softly. He pulled another knot out. Jyn flinched and looked down at the ground.
“I’m sorry it’s tangled, sir,” he corrected and Jyn nodded quickly. Mama had told her to be respectful of people older than she was and this man was certainly older than she was.
“Sir,” she affirmed. Trying it out on her tongue. She had never called anyone by a title in her life and she didn’t think she liked it, but Saw was helping her and he was a friend of her parent’s so she would try to make him happy. “Sir,” she said again. She wanted to make sure it was perfect.
“Yes,” he nodded and pulled on another knot. Jyn cleared her throat.
“I’m sorry it’s tangled, sir.” She kept her head up and she heard a small chuckle from Saw. She smiled too.
“You were down there for some time, child. I would expect your hair to be the last thing you were worried about.” Jyn shrugged, eyes still downcast and legs crossed tightly.
“I was kind of worried about it,” she said and then looked down at the ground. “I thought that if I let it get tangled then mama would come back to yell at me but you said she’s gone forever now.” Saw sighed a long and deep sigh. He leaned forward and put the comb down.
“I lost my sister. To the same fight your mother gave her life for. We can’t bring them back but we can win the war. You’re still very young, Jyn, but you’ll learn. I will teach you and I will take care of you, child. You will learn to be respectful, useful, and as good as a soldier as any of my men,” Saw said as he ran the brush through her hair a last time. Jyn nodded. She promised herself right then and there that she would. If someone so strong, so big, and so important could take the time to brush her hair now, she would take the time to be the best soldier he’d ever seen.
Jyn didn’t think she’d ever lost that draw, that desire to be the best. It was a fierce, competitive fire that raged and grew whether she was playing Sabacc with Bodhi or shooting targets with Cassian or sparring with Han. When she wasn’t the best, she could feel herself losing control, feel a tension freeze her where she was less than she thought she should be. After all, if she wasn’t the best, it was easier to be abandoned, to be hurt, or to be left and now that she had people she cared about, that was the last thing she wanted.
She was the best at a lot of things. She was the fastest on the pathfinders and easily one of the best fighters. She was quick with her words and famously the best at riding Tauntaun. What she was not the best at, was undercover work. She wasn’t bad, far from it, but she wasn't the best and it took her some time to get used to it.
She didn’t used to like undercover work. When she first started at Echo Base, they didn't have anywhere else to out her, so they put her with Cassian, on the field for intelligence work. Jyn hated it at first, not just because she wasn't the best, but because she wasn’t even good. There was too much politics and too much playing nice and not enough of an adrenaline surge, but Cassian had wanted her on the field with him and it was enlist or leave, so she enlisted. Besides, she liked trusting someone to have her back, so she wore whatever dress they told her too, smiled as bright as she could, and bought a drink for any informant they needed to get a read on.
It became a game to her and that was when she first started to like it. When she was able to think about everything like a game that she could win, it got easier. Jyn Erso would never have laughed and batted her eyes in a dark bar, but Kestrel Dawn did and Jyn Erso couldn’t light up a room with a look, but Tanith Pontha had such a beautiful smile, that people couldn’t help but stare and when she became someone else, it was easy to win the trust of whoever she needed too, because Jyn Erso might not have been very trustworthy, but everyone of her aliases were.
Ever since Scariff, Jyn hadn’t liked herself very much, so espionage gave her a chance to be someone better, someone who knew her place in the galaxy, someone who knew that she deserved to walk off that beach.
When Cassian first got the mission, Jyn had put twenty credits on the fact that she knew she could outdrink Han Solo and she knew she could because that was another thing that she was the best at. She didn’t worry about Cassian when he didn’t join her like he promised after, his briefings usually ran late and Baze had walked her back to the room.
Jyn woke up to the sound of the refresher and the smell of Trillium soap. It was a sharp pine scent, one that Cassian never would have picked for himself and that was when she knew he was going undercover. She frowned and pushed herself out of bed, walking to the bathroom door and gently pushing on it. The door zipped open, letting out a small cloud of steam. Jyn slipped into the bathroom and let the door close behind her. Cassian turned around from the stream of water and looked at her, his face was a neutral, as opposed to the small smile he usually greeted her with. Jyn, in turn, frowned and tried to hide the hurt that she felt quickly flash across her face. He hadn’t look at her like that since she moved in. It was the same face he used on informants and when he was on missions.
“Good morning,” he said softly and Jyn sighed and crossed her arms.
“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “Is it? You seem off.” She slowly started to peel her shirt off so she could get in the shower with him, but Cassian shook his head and reached out, arm wet and not seeming to care as he laid it on Jyn’s shoulder.
“Don’t,” he said quickly. “Not now.” Jyn frowned deeper.
“Cassian, what’s wrong?” She asked and took a step closer to the refresher. She was worried not because he’d stopped looking at her and was instead fixated on the beads of water dripping down the walls. He blinked and turned to face the her.
“Jyn,” he breathed. “I was going to wake you in a little to say goodbye. I’ll only be gone a few days.” She sat down on the ground and crossed her legs.
“Draven give you a briefing?” She asked. Something was wrong, she could feel it, she just didn’t know what. He nodded. “What’s the mission?” He looked back at her.
“Three days on Savatis Prime,” he said and reached out for the red bottle of soap again. Jyn bit her lip in thought. Savatis Prime was a small planet on the outer rim. Savatis was hot and arid with a small village. Recently, it had started to become a hotbed for building explosives because when you dug in the caves, you could find pure Litoxal, a highly explosive chemical. Jyn had been there with Saw once, it was a strange mix of industrial and indigenous and Jyn hadn’t liked it. It was bright and dry and hot and there were three orange moons.
“Are you meeting a contact there?” She asked. “I’ve been before, if you want me to come and maybe-”
“Jyn, you’re not coming.” His voice was sharp and strong. He stepped out of the refresher, turned it off, and took a towel, hanging up, to wrap around himself. Jyn crossed her arms. Cassian sighed. He ran a hand through his wet hair. “Look, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to say I love you before I left.”
They never spoke that frankly and even though they’d kissed and shared quarters, Jyn had yet to tell him she loved him. She knew it hurt him. She knew every time he said it, whether it was casual after training when they were both grinning and sweating or whispered in her ear in Festian, he meant it and wished she’d say it back, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t bring herself to say it back. Not after the first time he said it she stole a ship and tried to leave planet. Cassian promised her that letting him say it was a step in the right direction, but it still left her stomach in a knot when she got this upset over words.
“Why can’t I come, Cassian?” She narrowed her eyes and tightened her crossed arms around her body.
“Because you don’t rank as high as me.” He walked over to the mirror and picked up the small plastic razor to even his facial hair. Jyn crossed her arms and scoffed.
“You’ve never cared about that before. We make a good team,” she pressed and leaned against the wall. Cassian refused to meet her eyes, averting his to the sink. He started running the water to shave and Jyn frowned. “Cassian, I could-”
“I said no, Jyn!” He slammed the razor down and turned to face her. His breathing had quickened, but his face was neutral. The clatter of the razor caused her to blink and she didn’t realize that he was bleeding until she looked from where the razor lay on the floor to his face. She picked up the washcloth from the counter and closed the distance between them.
“Ok,” she said softly and nodded. “Okay, Cassian.” Jyn reached out with the washcloth to wipe the small cut on his cheek he made with the razor. Cassian put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed.
“Jyn,” he said softly. “You’re doing better. Let’s just keep it that way.” He let go of her shoulders and turned back to the mirror. Jyn sat down on the ground.
“Just tell me what’s going on. I won’t make a scene.” Cassian turned around to face her. He’d put on his briefs and was in the process of buttoning up black imperial uniform trousers. The wet towel lay on the ground, pooling water next to where Jyn sat.
“We’re not doing this now.” He shook his head. “It’s a classified mission.”
“Cassian! Tell me what is going on!” She could feel herself starting to make a scene.
“Nothing concerning you,” his voice stayed low but she could hear the strain in it. He reached for the white undershirt and pulled it over his head. He smoothed it out and tucked it in and did his belt and then knelt down in front of her. “We’re in a good place and we’re getting better. Just let yourself heal.” He reached out and brushed some of her hair off of her face and tucked it behind your ear. Jyn leaned forward.
“Cassian, if you want whatever this is to last, you need to talk to me.” She took his hand. “Please don’t leave me in the dark.” The unspoken sentiment, that she didn’t think, now that she had tasted what it felt like to have a home and a family, she could do it again. She didn’t think she’d be able to revert to the shell of what she was now again. Jyn tried to convey it with the sentence she said and then she bit her lip because she knew if she opened her mouth again all of those words would come tumbling out and those were more damning than even telling someone you loved them. Cassian rose up from where she sat on the bathroom.
“The file is on my desk. Third drawer down. It’s not long.” Jyn rose up from the ground. Cassian picked the washcloth up to press it against his cut again. He grabbed Jyn’s hand before she was able to exit the refresher. “Don’t make a scene, Jyn,” he warned, leaving her to wonder why she would need too.