Chapter Text
Javi was drunk.
Or maybe drunk was too big of a word to describe that, he was just tipsy, a bit, or maybe a little more. Or whatever, who cared.
Javi closed his eyes, the music pulsing in his ears, and he was floating, people dancing around him, strangers' hands brushing his arms and back, inviting him to join.
"Hey."
Javi opened his eyes, sparks of pink and purple flickering, and he blinked rapidly, wondering dizzily where he had put his glasses.
"Hey." Luca repeated, a bit louder, grabbing his arm "Javi, you okay?"
Javi was okay, he was great, just his head was spinning a little, and harsh, pulsing lights were making him feel a little bit sick.
He opened his mouth to tell Luca all of that, but instead of speaking he only inhaled deeply, suddenly feeling like he was about to suffocate.
"Come on." Luca tugged his arm gently, leading him through the crowd to where they table was located, in a dark corner "Sit down, I'm going to get you some juice." Luca smiled kindly, and Javi wanted to tell him he was okay and didn't need a babysitter, but the Italian was gone before he had a chance to open his mouth.
He sighed and leaned back, turning his head to look at other people sitting by the table. There was not many of them, the others dancing or on their way back to the hotel. There was only Kevin, drinking something very colorful and texting with a speed of lighting, and Anna, sleeping with her head on Ondrej's shoulder.
Javi blinked slowly and closed his eyes, sinking back in the plush surface of the sofa.
He didn't want to move. He didn't want to go back to his hotel room, big and pretty and so cold in the mornings.
Why was it so cold, in the middle of the summer?
"Javi."
It was Luca again, handing Javi a tall glass of orange juice. He was smiling, like always, and Javi suddenly noticed grey hair on his temple, and he couldn't tear his eyes away.
How old was he? Javi couldn't remember, alcohol coursing in his veins, making everything blurry and muffled.
Luca shook his head and took Javi's hand, forcefully wrapping his fingers around the glass.
"Drink." he said gently and Javi obeyed dutifully, the taste sweet and fresh on his tongue. It was good, and Javi didn't stop until he finished, craving for more instantly.
"Thank you." he said, his voice hoarse and drowning in the music. Luca patted his shoulder and leaned to speak into his ear, his words slow and clear.
"I'm going to catch a cab, I think Anna and Ondrej would want to go. You're coming with us?"
Javi didn't want to go, but his mind was a bit clearer now, and he knew he shouln't stay. They had practice, the next day, or maybe in a few hours, Javi had no idea. So he just nodded silently, and Luca smiled, squeezing his shoulder before walking away again.
Javi took a deep breath, putting the glass away. It was a good idea, to go, to get back to his cold bed in his cold room and pretend that he was at peace with everything that was happening in his life.
The music shifted, a loud buzz of excitement running through the crowd as the firsts notes played, catching attention of Javi's dizzy mind.
I saw you again,
it felt like we had never met
It's like the sun set in your eyes and never wanted to rise
And what have you done with the one I love?
Javi's heartbeat picked up, strong, painful beats, bruising his ribs and knocking air out of his lungs, and he wished he was drunk, he wished he had drunk more, because then maybe it wouldn't hurt, and maybe his mind wouldn't go back, to Toronto, to Sochi, to Pyeongchang, and to that one summer evening when everything had shattered to pieces.
You were more than just a friend,
oh the feeling
It never came to an ending,
I can't bear to see you
He had thought he could do it. He was older now, he was thirty- three, and he should be wiser, and he should be healed. But it still was inside him, the pain he had felt back then, when they were standing in the last rays of sun, gold and warm and wrong.
It felt like a lifetime ago, when they had broken each others hearts, and they kept on falling apart, spiralling out of control, and now, years later, everything was gone.
They had used to be so close, him and Yuzu.
They had used to be in love.
I always thought it was a shame
That we have to play these games
It felt like you really knew me
Now it feels like you see through me
His insides twisted sharply and he got up, almost tumbling down. He ignored the concerned look Kevin sent him as he rushed to the washroom, the words burning in his head.
When I see you again
I'll know not to expect
Stay one step away
We won't have to wait
When I see you again
And I'm greeted as a friend
It is understood
That we did all we could
He threw up into the sink, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes, and he hated himself for not being stronger, and he hated Yuzu for acting like they were nothing to each other.
Or maybe it was the truth now. Maybe he was nothing for Yuzu, nothing more than an ex training mate.
I always thought it was sad
The way we act like strangers
After all that we had
We act like we had never met
He cleaned up the best he could and then drink water straight from the tap, trying to get rid of the bitter taste of acid. And when he looked in the mirror he couldn't really recognize himself, and Javi felt weak, as if he was about to collapse.
He was vaguely aware of Luca and Kevin coming to get him, leading him to a cab, gently pushing him to sit in a backseat.
"You okay, kid?" Luca asked, watching him searchingly, and Javi shook his head before closing his eyes and leaning against the window, cold glass soothing his burning skin.
He wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget.
"What's your room number?" Luca asked fifteen minutes later when they were standing by an elevator, and it took Javi a moment to remember where he had put his key card. He handed it to Luca, who was still smiling, but there was something sad, ghosting in the corners of his eyes.
"You're going to be okay." he said quietly, and Javi was too tired to answer, so he just slumped on his shoulder as they entered the elevator.
His stomach hurt. His chest hurt. He just wanted to sleep.
The corridor on his floor was quiet and Javi wondered dizzily what time it was, but he didn't ask, leaning heavily against the wall as Luca opened his door.
"Okay." the Italian said softly "Do you need my help with something or you'll manage?"
"I'm fine." Javi forced himself to mumble, pushing from the wall and then falling against it again.
"Yeah, don't worry, I've got you-" Luca sighed, grabbing Javi's shoulder firmly, but then there was a quiet ding of the elevator, footsteps, and then-
"I can do this."
Javi closed his eyes, refusing for it to be true. He was feeling sick again, and Yuzu's voice only made it worse, his chest tight and painful.
Luca said something, Javi didn't know what, but after a second he felt a familiar arm wrapping around his waist, and he shuddered, trying to remember when was the last time they had touched for real, with purpose, with want.
Yuzu didn't say anything when the door closed behind them and he led Javi to the bed, hepling him to sit down.
Javi still wasn't looking at him, too scared of what it would do to him, and he closed his eyes, praying for Yuzu to go away. But instead he heard quiet shifting and then gentle hands touched his ankles, moving to untie his shoes.
Javi gasped, and opened his eyes.
"What-" he choked out, his throat feeling like sandpaper, and Yuzu looked up at him, and it was the first time in ages they looked each other in the eyes.
It was too much, and Javi couldn't do it. So he closed his eyes again, letting Yuzu take his shoes off, and trying not to think about that one night years earlier, when they both had been tipsy and giddy, laughing as they were undressing each other for the very first time.
The moment Yuzu was done Javi curled on the bed with his back turned to him, moving to lay a bit further, his blurred thoughts yelling at him to get away from those eyes, cool hands, face made of stone.
"What are you doing, Javi?"
Yuzu's voice was quiet and raspy, as if it hurt to speak, and Javi felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and he was too tired, and it hurt too much.
"I miss you." he mumbled against the pillow, his head swimming "I miss you." he repeated weakly, and before the world faded into darkness, he thought he heard a quiet sob and rustling of a fabric.