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“You need any help?”
It was a phrase every single survivor of SBURB had heard in the last few days, all from the same person-One John Egbert. For a few months after they escaped the game and finally got settled on Earth C, John had been a rare sight-spending most of his time in his home, responding to...most messages, but not for very long. But on the three month anniversary of their arrival, he was suddenly, seemingly... EVERYWHERE . The first person who saw him was Jade, as she was watering her garden-John had suddenly Zap ’d in front of her in that weird blue outline thing he did.
“Hey, Jade! You need any help?”
Taken aback for a moment, she had to ponder. DID she need any help? She’d built and maintained this place all by herself...First Guardian powers made it really easy to do all the things one would have to do when gardening. Wait why the fuck was she pondering this her brother hadn’t been out of the house in months!! And he was just showing up out of nowhere!!
“No, I don’t, actually, but thanks! Are you o-”
“Oh, alright! Bye!”
With that, John disappeared in that same blue silhouette, accompanied by that same Zap . Jade blinked a few times, feeling her nose twitch involuntarily.
She could already tell some sort of repressed nonsense was going on. This was the Battleship Face/Off rant all over again, but... worse , somehow. With a sigh, she got back to hydrating her green babies. No point in tele-chasing him across the planet until it was finally time to tackle him and make sure he understood that everyone loved him, the dumbass.
Miles away, Roxy Lalonde and Calliope stared at the pipes underneath their sink with some...perplexity. They were so happy to be living together (especially when Jane could make a visit ;D) but the plumbing had burst from an ill-planned experiment and the plumber had gotten a flat on the way. So now, they were a bit fucked.
“I...I still feel as if this was my faUlt, my love…” The skeletal snakegirl nervously clacked her carapaced fingers together.
“D’awww pish freakin’ posh, how were you gonna know the foam thingies would blow up our sink when they got wet? I didn’t even know they did that! We ALLLLL learned a lesson.”
Without any warning-save for that distinct noise-there was suddenly A Plumber and A John in the room. The plumber, for his part, was a dersite carapacean in overalls that looked very close to a nervous breakdown. John, for his part, looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days.
“Hey guys! I was on my way over, saw this guy on the road-made an educated guess, you need a plumber?”
Calliope smiled, clapping happily. “Yes in fact we do! Thank yoU, John!!” She turned her attention to the plumber himself, gently taking his hand. “YoU seem stressed. It will be completely fine!”
“A-Are you g-guys...th-the Gods…???”
“Yes, bUt we try not to make a big deal about it.”
Roxy took the chance to nudge John out of the bathroom, gently shutting the door before turning to the larger Heir of Breath.
“Okay, so, thanks bunches, but are you like…” She glanced up and down, eyes resting on his face again for a second too long before she started talking again. “...Okay?”
John waffled for a few moments, starting multiple sentences that died in his throat. Roxy realized, with a grimace, that he wasn’t actually sure if he was or not. Usually, when that happened to a person, the answer was a firm not .
“Okay, Johnny, you and I are-”
“I’m fine .” John’s response was supposed to be an answer, but it came off closer to a command to everyone in earshot. Namely, Roxy and himself. With that, he zap ’d out of the room. Calliope poked her head through the doorway, frowning.
“Well, that’s worrying.”
“Yeah...Dude spends, like, forever fighting for somethin’ and he can’t even enjoy it once it’s here.” Roxy sighed, taking a step closer and hugging her alien girlfriend. “Janey says her g-paw was always sorta cagey about feelings when she knew him..soooo I guess young beefcake g-paw is the same, but with added traumasauce on that issue-steak.” Roxy rested her cheek on Calliope’s head, squeezing her to her chest. “I love you, skelebabe.”
Calliope, muffled as she was by Roxy’s bodacious bod, replied with something approximating “I love you too, more than the stars love the cold blackness of space.” But it came out more “Ilvytoo,mrrthenthestrslvetheclbdkspce”
Not as romantic as it could be. But cute!
Kanaya had lost some thread-until John dumped half a fabric store’s stock in her lap. Dave was trying to find new ways to make trash-John teleported in, told him about deep fried memes, and was gone the moment Dave comprehended. One of Jane’s factories weren’t on fire when the firemen arrived-apparently the wind had really picked up. Jake almost had to Godtier Respawn on an adventure until a familiar pair of hands grabbed him and tossed him away from the incredibly dangerous spider’s web. This continued on for...about a week. Eventually, people ran out of problems that John could solve...that weren’t directly caused by worry for the Heir of Breath.
Whoops.
John stared at the icon for pesterchum, the little notifications bubble approaching 99+ fairly quickly. He’d been running on something of a manic episode-if that was the right term, he honestly didn’t know-and it was fading very fast, like a deflating zeppelin plummeting back down into the vast, empty sea below. Hadn’t properly slept in the last ten days, just barely staying ahead of his own mind looking for things to do-if he wasn’t doing something to help someone, he started feeling all that...what was the word that had been rattling around his head?
Right.
PRESSURE.
When he wasn’t doing something, the weight of everything started to set in. The weight of his father’s corpse, of an entire timeline’s worth of people. Of a childhood where he probably wasn’t the best son to a man who was definitely one of the best fathers in reality, the weight of knowing that out there was a man that had his face and voice and personality who just...didn’t know him.
John shook himself out of this, looking down the woodsy cliff he’d perched on. He was on some mountain-he didn’t actually learn any of the Earth C geography yet-and the air was nice and clear. Probably how he found his way there...windy bullshit. Who should he go to next? Check on Rose? Try to find Terezi, or Vriska? Hunt down the purple clown? Ask Jane if she needs some useless idiot at her company? Find out what exactly was going on with the Sprites? Talk to Dirk when he wasn’t being consumed by Failure Pixels or whatever the fuck had been happening last time?? If he was being honest, he’d sort of ran out of options for people to talk to-
“Hey...do you need any help?” John turned, surprised to hear another voice. He saw...two kids. One was a Troll that looked about seven years old-her horns were shaped like question marks-and a human boy about the same age with black hair and darker skin. They were both wearing outdoorsy clothes, backpacks and khaki shorts and all. Looked like scouts.
“Kwizyk, we gotta get back to the path…”
“Sssshush.” She sneered at her friend. “This blue guy looks sad and he’s sitting on a cliff, you don’t wanna spook him!”
“He’s not a deer , Kwiz!”
“Shaddap, Joynas!!”
“It’s just Jonas , you don’t need to add a letter!!!”
“Guys.” John floated up, turning in mid air and landing firmly in front of them.
The two stopped arguing, staring at him for a few seconds. Kwizyk was the first to speak.
“Holy shit are you a superhero”
Followed closely by Jonas screaming. “SSSSCOUTMASTER WE MET GOD!!!! WE MEMTET WE MMMMMMET GOD!! HEIR OF BRUH-HBRRETH?!?!?!” He seemed to be panicking, losing his composure rather instantly. John cringed, having forgotten that not everyone was used to people being able to fly.
“Kid! Kid, calm the heck down. It’s okay. Gonna guess you’re on a hike?”
Kwizyk nodded, beaming. “I’m the tent girl! That means I know how to set up tents! Sorry ‘bout Jonas.” She turned and gently cradled the human’s head, patting his face while letting out a gentle “shooooooosh…”
“But, uh...no, I don’t think I need any help.” John felt his phone vibrate about three more times, silently captchalogging it.
“You sure? You seem really sleepy. We could give you a sleeping bag if you want! Ricky yartzed before the trip so he couldn’t come.” She giggled. “That means he baaaarfed .”
John laughed, leaning on the tree closest to him. “Really now.”
“Yeah...I know you didn’t ask, but do you wanna know what I think?”
“ Kwizyk please don’t lecture the Heir of Breath noooo ”
With a slightly firmer papping, she continued unabated. “I think you should go talk to some of the other gods. Even if you’re really strong and made of wind and can teleport and can fight evil like baboom kaplowie skadoom an’ stuff doesn’t mean you gotta do it forever for all the times.”
John was going to make a funny retort, but he didn’t really...have one. Damn kids, being wise beyond their years and telling you to stop being unhealthy by accident. “Y’know what? I wish I did ask for your opinion earlier, because that was some very good advice, Kwizyk. You guys have any computers on you?”
Jonas suddenly sprang up, adjusting his pack. “Of course sir!! Like any sensible person, I carry at least three computers on me at all times!!”
John rolled his eyes, kneeling down. “Well, get one with a camera and take a picture of us. Show it to your whoever and tell ‘em that’s why you left the group for a bit, alright? Helping a God out of his depressive slump is a pretty good reason to stop hiking."
“Also, my legs were tired! What’s a depressive?” Kwizyk tilted her head, which prompted John to simply sigh and heft her up onto his shoulder. At the same time, Jonas finished setting the computer up-it was a laptop shaped like a picture of Jade in her Godtier, and now John was going to call it a Lapdog. Tossing his pack on the ground and placing the lapdog on the pack, he hurried over to stand at John’s side, one hand shifting around before settling on a slightly awkward salute towards the camera.
John smiled at it the lapdog’s webcam for a few seconds, before turning slightly towards Jonas. “So did you set it t-”
And then the artificial shutter sound effect played to indicate the picture was taken and he felt like an idiot.
“Yes. Yes I did.”
“I GOTTA PICTURE WITH GOD!!”
John set Kwiz down, stretched, and sighed. “Alright. I don’t know how to impart any wisdom here so uh…” He fished through his captchalog quickly to find something to give the two, finally settling on the punchcards for that painting of a horse attacking a football player and the Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gushers. “Just put these in your local alchemiter with some grist to get something. Or put them in a museum if these are like, cultural artifacts or something. Or eat ‘em, I’m not a cop.” With that, he turned into wind and began heading home the semi long way.
Later, Kwizyk and Jonas would both receive the “Met a Deity” merit badge.
John drifted slowly down, taking his time...sometimes a breeze, sometimes a stiff wind, but never rushing himself. Just letting himself relax...without also letting those hostile, heavy thoughts drag him out of it. Still, he knew that the moment he solidified back on his front step, he was going to feel that weight again. So the moment he stepped down into the doorway of his home, John opened pesterchum, flipping up through the many concerned messages he’d gotten over the past few days. Most were hours and hours old, so he felt a bit awkward replying to them-it would take time to formulate a response, and in that time, he’d start dwelling on everyone he’d lost, everything he’d failed to do, to-
Nope. Stopping that shit now. John noticed a new notification, hitting it-it was Karkat.
Who was just...
CG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
CG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
EB: Karkat, the fuck are you even doing?
CG: OH SHIT, YOU’RE ACTUALLY RESPONDING. EVERYONE WAS GETTING WORRIED SO AFTER A WHILE I SENT A MESSAGE, BUT I JUST ENDED UP SAYING MORE AND MORE UNTIL I DECIDED TO KEEP SENDING THOSE MESSAGES. I’VE BEEN HAVING COFFEE WITH DAVE ACTUALLY.
EB: So you’ve just been, like, tapping A and then hitting enter for
EB: Holy shit there’s like three hours of these!
CG: FUCK OFF, ALSO ARE YOU OKAY
EB: Get back to me on that one. But right now, uh...you mind passing a message to everyone?
CG: YOU MEAN SENDING A MESSAGE TO ONE OF THE VARIOUS GARBAGE FUCK-FACTORIES WE CALLED MEMOS TO FORCE EVERYONE TO EXPERIENCE THE DEEPEST FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT POSSIBLE BY SEEING THEIR YEARS OLD MESSAGES, REFLECTING THEIR POOR PAST CHOICES AND ACTIONS MADE WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER AND MUCH LESS EXPERIENCED, OFTEN CRUELER WITHOUT EVER MEANING TO BE?
CG: YES, JOHN, I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.
EB: Well thank you! Just tell everyone that uh…
EB: I guess I’m sorry for worrying them. I’m okay and just sorta chilling r/n
EB: Also did someone invent boy scouts again? I think I met some scouts.
CG: IT’S FUNNY YOU THINK I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A PACK OF MARAUDERS SCOUTING FOR BOYS.
EB: Okay whatever!! Ask dave about it and then tell him not to bull shit you
CG: FINE. SO...ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE OKAY?
EB: No. But I should really stop trying bull shit methods like “go around like a travelling Help Salesman”, huh?
CG: YES, YOU TOTEBAG OF WIND AND GOOD INTENTIONS, YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR FRIENDS FOR HELP WHEN YOU FUCKING NEED IT.
EB: but like...all you guys are happy, right?
CG: I THINK WE’RE ALL DOING BETTER NOW THAT WE CAN GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HATEFUL SNAKE GODS, MURDEROUS GODDAMN WOLFMEN, OR SWARMS OF MINDLESS FREAKISH HYBRID MONSTERS TEARING US INTO PIECES, JOHN.
EB: Yeah. You guys...did stuff to deserve to be happy. I just did a bunch of stupid bull shit and fucked up a bunch and was basically useless until the literal last thing I had to do. You guys all deserve this world and…
EB: I guess I was trying to deserve it too.
CG: OH.
CG: I…
EB: it’s fine.
EB: I’m going to talk to everyone myself tomorrow. I think today I just need to do something for...me.
CG: YOU DO DESERVE THIS WORLD, JOHN. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. YOU LOST JUST AS MUCH AS THE REST OF US.
EB: Guess I did. I’ll talk to you later, Karkat.
CG: YEAH, OKAY.
John stepped into his dark, empty home, flipping a few lights on as he flopped down onto the couch. He turned on the TV, flipped to a video on demand service, and scrolled through until he found...yeah.
Ghost Rider, with Nic Cage. The best superhero movie ever made.
He fell asleep peacefully around the time the movie had that really cool and not at all poorly made scene where Ghost Rider drives on a wall for some fucking reason.
He fell asleep knowing that everyone else was willing to help him too.
All he needed to do was ask.