Work Text:
“So,” Mike said.
“So?” Alison said, pulling up her pyjama bottoms.
“Well, I was just going to ask if, like…”
He was lying on his side, propped up on one elbow, which bizarrely reminded Alison of how Thomas liked to lie (float?) on the chaise longue on the library.
“What is it?” she said, getting into bed beside him.
“I was just wondering if you could try to, like… you know those guys?” He made a vague gesture in midair.
Alison stared at him. “You mean the ghosts? Mike, you can call them that.”
“Oh. Is that what they… prefer to be called? Not, I dunno, the spirit community?”
“You can’t be racist against ghosts, Mike. Well, I suppose you could , but it would just be normal racism.”
“Huh?”
“Like… you can’t be racist against them for being ghosts.”
Mike raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
“Michael, what is it?”
“D’you think you could just try and keep them out of the way tomorrow? Wait. There aren’t any in here, are there? Sorry, guys, but -”
Alison pulled him back down. “No, there’s not, and I wouldn’t worry about trying not to offend them. Most of them are over a hundred years old, they’re always offended about something anyway.”
“Oh, right.”
“Well, anyway, no. You know I’ve tried.”
“Can’t you just put them in front of Friends again?”
“No. All of them except Thomas have taken against Ross. The shouting’s unbearable.”
“Oh.” Mike turned onto his back, a worried crease settling between his eyebrows.
Alison touched his shoulder. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m getting used to them.” She hoped she sounded more convinced than she felt.
“You don’t sound that convinced.”
“Oh.”
“Ah, it’s okay.” He reached over to switch off the bedroom light. Alison settled beside him, snuggling against his back.
“Hey, Mike.”
“What?”
“Neither of your parents has had a near-death experience, right?”
“In-laws are God’s punishment for fornication,” announced Julian.
“Is it still fornication if yous is married?” Mary said, looking alarmed.
“Oh, pack it in, Julian,” Alison said, cutting cheese and pickle sandwiches carefully into triangles. “And don’t sit on the counter, it’s unsanitary.”
“Is it, though?”
Alison scowled. “Well, anyway, Mike’s parents are nice.”
“They’ll turn on you like that ,” Julian said, snapping his fingers and failing to make a sound. “You know Margot’s parents encouraged her to leave me?”
“Yes, I’m sure that was the only reason,” Alison said, rolling her eyes. “Can you lot at least try and keep out of the way while they’re here?”
“Thought you said they were nice.”
“They are nice, Julian, but I still don’t want them to think I’m a nutter.”
“Well, I should like to meet my relatives,” Fanny said, emerging from the fridge.
“I - Fanny, what were you doing in there?” Alison said.
“Just inspecting. You are aware that garlic inhibits fertility?”
“ You can stay, if you’re quiet,” Alison said, feeling she might regret the offer even as she said it. “The rest of you can sod off for a little while, please.”
“Language!”
“Fanny, don’t push it. Hey, just the person I wanted to see!”
The Captain had entered via the cereal cupboard. Alison had found it was useful to stay on his good side, given that he had a weapon that could be effectively used on the other ghosts.
“Are you feeding an army, madam?”
“No, just Mike’s parents. Oh, and speaking of … ” She tried to look sweet. “It would be really handy if you and the others could… sort of… be somewhere else while they’re here?” She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “You know how rowdy this lot can get.”
“Quite.” The Captain looked over her shoulder at Julian, who was attempting to get his hand into a can of barbecue Pringles.
“It’s just, I know you’re the only one who can keep them in order.”
The Captain looked as close to pleased as Alison had seen him manage. “I’ll see what I can do. And, er… did you remember to record Tank Killers ?”
“Oh. Oh, crap. Um…”
“You forgot.” His expression darkened.
“Well - sort of - but maybe it’s on Netflix, or YouTube - Captain, please can you just -“
“I’ll see what I can do,” he repeated in an entirely different tone.
Alison pinched the bridge of her nose. Next time, she would ask Pat.
Mike winced, as he always did, when his parents’ car turned into the lengthy driveway.
“The state of that old banger.” His mother waved enthusiastically from the passenger seat, setting her bangles jingling.
Mike nudged Alison. “D’you think anyone’s died in it?”
“Don’t even joke about that.”
They pulled up and Mike’s parents got out. Mike’s mum, Lorraine, smothered him with hugs.
In the back of the car, a young man in a blood-stained T-shirt stared out at Alison. She looked away abruptly.
“You have got to be fu-“
“And how’s Alison?” Lorraine beamed and drew her into a hug as well. Over her shoulder, the young man’s face widened into a grin. He gestured at Alison to roll down the window.
Out of sight, out of mind. She buried her head into Lorraine’s neck, who seemed surprised by the sudden affection.
“Aw, did you miss us, Ali? I ‘spect it gets lonely in this big old house.”
If bloody only.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, the milk goes in first .”
Alison ignored Fanny. Kitty and Mary were examining the sugar cubes.
“How does they makes them into shapes?”
“I don’t know. But they’re so sweet. Like tiny bricks. Oh, let’s build a sugar house!”
“You know what this is missing? Fondue,” Julian said.
Mike’s dad, Pete, had said something.
“What was that?” Alison said loudly, forcing a smile.
“Or a croquembouche,” Julian added.
“Her hearing’s been a bit off since the accident,” Mike said quickly, a phrase he must have trotted out for every house guest they had. “Dad was just saying what a nice spread it is.”
“Oh yes, you didn’t need to do all this for us,” Lorraine said.
“It’s alright. We’re moving up in the world now,” Mike said. “So we got gooseberry fool, gooseberry tarts, gooseberry jam…”
Pat’s voice cut in uncomfortably close to her ear.
“Er, ‘scuse me, Alison…”
She yelped, spilling tea onto the tablecloth. Mike and his parents looked at her, concerned.
“Sorry,” she said, reaching for a tea towel. “Someone must have walked over my grave.”
“I can assure you that’s not what it feels like,” Fanny said. Alison decided she would learn the exact frequency of Fanny’s voice and teach herself to effectively tune it out.
As Mike tactically offered to give his parents a tour, Alison muttered, “What is it, Pat?”
“Little bit of a situation outside, you see.”
Alison waited for the others to leave. “Is there?”
“Yes. You see, well… there’s a ghost in their car. Young lad.”
“ Is there.”
“Oh my gosh!” Kitty gasped. “What’s he like? Is he handsome?”
“And what am I meant to do about this?” Alison said. She had not made any progress on the spilled tea.
“Does he have brown hair?” asked Kitty. “Or is it blond? Or red ?”
“Well, I think he’d quite like to chat to us, only the windows are closed,” Pat said.
“So? He’s a ghost, isn’t he? Can’t he just…” Alison made a wiggly gesture with her arm.
“Well, Robin was trying to get him to do that, but I don’t think he really understands about cars. You can’t leave the place you died, see.”
Alison gritted her teeth. “Yes, I’m aware.”
“So, if there’s any way you could, sort of, pop out-“
“I don’t know, Pat. How am I going to-“ Alison stopped, noticing the unusual quiet. Kitty, Julian and Fanny had all gone. She got on tiptoes to see out the window, and saw them all crowded around the car. Robin was hitting it with the Captain’s stick.
“If I do this,” she said slowly, “will you lot stay out there for the rest of the afternoon?”
“Oh, I should think so. It’s all a bit exciting. It’s been ages since we’ve met a new ghost.”
“Right.” Alison nodded. “Wait out there with the others. I’ll see what I can do.”
Pat flashed a Scout salute and went through the wall.
Lorraine had left her phone on the counter. Alison snatched it up and dropped it in her pocket, before hurrying off the join the others.
It was almost too good to be true, Alison thought. Here they sat, eating a normal (if gooseberry-filled) lunch, with houseguests, as if there weren’t nine dead people in the house whom only Alison could see.
Still, she was anxious to get out to the car. She just needed an excuse. Lorraine’s phone was still weighing down her pocket. She knew it would only be a matter of time before one of them came in to bug her.
“So, how are my grandchildren coming along?”
“Oh, Mum .”
“Don’t worry, I’m only teasing you. What lucky kids, though, eh? Having all this space to run around in?”
Space? Alison didn’t know the meaning of the word. They couldn’t even get a moment’s peace in their own bed. “To be honest,” she said, without really thinking, “it’s a bit hard to get some time alone with -“
“With what?” asked Lorraine and the Captain at the same time. There it was.
“You know, get some time to think about it!” Alison said brightly. “With all the… building work.”
“Yeah?” Lorraine said, looking mildly concerned again. Great.
“Alison. Requesting a status update,” the Captain said, again drowning out something Pete had said. Alison smiled and nodded, and at the same time surreptitiously reached for her own phone.
I’M WORKING ON IT!!!
She angled the screen so that the Captain could see it. He took far too long to read it.
“Well, fine, but could we have an ETA? Need to report back to the troops.”
Not long. Go back to the cat
“To the -?”
CAR. GO BACK TO THE CAR .
“Fine. But we shan’t wait much longer. The poor fellow’s being held captive.”
Alison typed an eye-rolling emoji. The Captain, offended, turned on his heel.
“Next time I’m bringing reinforcements.”
The temptation to imitate him in a high-pitched voice was often overwhelming for Alison. Mike shot her an annoyed ‘I’ve been carrying this entire conversation’ look. Alison returned a ‘they’re your parents’ look, though she felt bad.
“Why don’t you show us those pictures of the new conservatory?” Mike said lightly, turning to his mum.
“Ooh, yes! And I’ll show you some pictures of Shanice’s little grandson while I’m at it. He’s so adorable.” Lorraine patted her pockets, her brow furrowing. “Oh, that’s weird. Where’s my phone got to?”
“Maybe you left it in the car?” Alison said, already halfway out of her seat. “I think you left it in the car. I’ll go and have a look for you.”
“Oh, but I could have sworn I brought it in with me.”
“It’d be worth having a look anyway,” Pete said. “We all know what you’re like.”dropped the keys into Alison’s hand. “Cheers.”
“Whenever I lose mine, it’s always in the car,” Alison said, clutching the car keys. “Back in two ticks.”
Several of the ghosts cheered as Alison approached, though the Captain just said “About time.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Alison couldn’t find a button on the key fob. Sighing, she stuck the key into the driver’s door and the locks clicked open. She reached awkwardly past the new ghost and, after realising there was no button for the window either, rolled it down.
“There you go, er…”
“Darren.”
“Right. There you go, Darren.” He really was young . He didn’t look much older than the kids at the school down the road, though he did sound a fair bit less posh. “Be nice, you lot.”
“We’re always nice!” Kitty said. “Mostly always.”
“Julian, why do you have the Captain’s stick?” Alison said.
“We’re going to hit him with it to check he’s dead.”
“Don’t you have any other way of checking?”
“I’m afraid not.”
Mike was at the kitchen window, looking at her warily. She waved, holding Lorraine’s phone aloft before hurrying back inside.
“What happened?” Fanny asked. “Joyriding, I suppose? These things can go up to twenty miles an hour. Utter death traps,” she told Mary.
“It weren’t strictly my fault,” Darren said. “My mate Gaz told me the girl in the next lane was driving with her top down. Turns out he meant the roof , but I’d already gone up the central res by then.” He paused for a moment. “Lucky sod. All he got was paralysed from the waist down.”
“Terribly sad,” Julian said, advancing towards the window. “Now, there is one pressing matter-“
“Darren,” Pat said quickly. “Can I just-“ He leaned in and tapped Darren lightly on the shoulder. “Did you feel that?”
Darren felt his own shoulder, eyes wide. “Yeah, I did. So does that mean-“
“You’re dead!” Pat said, as if he was announcing that a game-show contestant was through to the next round. “That’s all we needed to do to check.”
Julian scoffed. “Where’s your sense of fun, Pat?”
“Julian, why don’t you check that Thomas is still dead? I don’t think we’ve made sure in a while.”
“Oh, excellent idea, Captain.”
“So I’m definitely dead,” Darren said, watching with mild interest as Thomas tried to dodge Julian and the stick. “I mean, I sort of figured that out. But I wasn’t a hundred per cent on it. I’ve never met another dead person.”
Robin indicated the open window. “You get out car?”
“Can’t, mate. See?” He put out his hand but it stopped in the space where the window would be, as if there was an invisible wall. “But you lot can put your hand in?” he asked, looking at Pat.
“I expect while it’s parked on the property it comes under our domain,” Fanny said.
“Well, in’t that nice.” Darren slumped in his seat. “You lot get this whole massive house, and I have to spend eternity in a Nissan Micra.”
“It’s not all bad,” Pat consoled. “You get to go wherever the car goes, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s true! Last year, we went through the Channel Tunnel. I never went to France when I was alive.”
All the other ghosts shared looks of confusion, except for Julian.
“My God! They actually built that thing? I mean, the idea was floated when I was in office, but I never thought…”
“How can it be floating if ‘tis a tunnel?” asked Mary.
“They’re nice people,” Darren said, gesturing at the front seats as if Pete and Lorraine were in them. “Wish I could chat to them. But I’ve never met another dead person. How did you lot die?”
They shifted awkwardly. Fanny, always eager to share, drew herself up.
“I was defenestrated by my brute of a husband.”
Darren nodded sympathetically. “Gutted.”
“No, defenes-“
“Picture the scene, if you will!” cried Thomas, dodging an ankle swipe from Julian. “The drawing room of this very house. Outside the French windows, ‘tis a tranquil spring day, but within-“
“And you? Army man?” Darren looked admiringly at the Captain. “Wrestling a Nazi, right? Something really cool, I bet.”
“Something of the sort,” the Captain murmured.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk it. I ‘spose you’ve got that PTSD. Respect, though.”
He looked over at Julian. “I have to ask. Were you on the toilet?”
“I… suffocated.”
“I was shot!” Thomas said again.
“Wow! Really? I didn’t even know you had guns back then.”
“Oh, yes. Now. Picture the scene…”
It was starting to get dark by the time Mike’s parents left, and there hadn’t been a peep from the ghosts since lunchtime. Alison supposed she would have to do something for them to show her appreciation. Or perhaps just for Darren. Fuzzy dice?
She went ahead of the others with a few containers of gooseberries.
“So, anyone can send in their tapes?” Pat was saying.
“That’s right,” Darren said. “And other people can rate them from one to five stars. But you wanna know the best part about YouTube? No adverts.”
“Sorry, guys,” Alison said. “Darren has to go now.”
The resounding ‘aww’ from all ten ghosts made her feel even more like a mum breaking up a playdate. “Say your goodbyes nice and quick, before the others get here.”
“Well, lads,” Darren said. “I’m sure I’ll be back soon.” He looked at Alison. “You’ll make sure they don’t get rid of this car, right? She was my first ever motor. And my last, I s’pose.”
“I’ll… see what I can do.”
“Where did you say you were summering?” asked Kitty.
“Skegness.”
“Sounds divine .”
Mike and his parents were approaching.
“By the way,” Darren said. “How come you can see us?”
“That… is quite a long story,” Alison said, with a glance at Julian. “Maybe next time.”
“Yes. Next time!” Julian held aloft an imaginary glass. “God, I still miss booze.”
The Captain glanced at him sympathetically, before giving Darren a salute. Darren attempted one back.
“Safe travels, young man.”
“Be good!” said Fanny.
“And stay in school,” added Pat.
“Lovely to see you again, Alison,” Lorraine said from behind her, making her jump almost as much as Pat had earlier. She lowered her voice. “Remember, sweetheart, you can talk to me about anything.” She patted Alison’s shoulder affectionately.
Alison looked back, at the ghosts still clustered around the car to get one last look at Darren. He was now attempting to explain Dad’s Army .
“Cheers, Lorraine.”