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“Remus?”
Remus raised his head from the notes he’d been collecting. He glanced at Sirius quickly before coming back to cleaning up the table - he didn’t want the Weasleys to find out what the Order is up to, nor Harry, who was supposed to be at the Grimmaud Place in a few hours. His hands were a little bit shaky, as they would always get when he was alone with Sirius.
He had finished piling up the notes and maps a few seconds ago, and now he desperately tried to find something else to do. The table was dirty, he noticed. His hands quickly found a piece of material, wet it with water from the sink and started obsessively cleaning up the dirty spots.
Sirius walked closer to him and leaned against one of the chairs, observing Remus. He knew damn well that table had been dirty and rusty for a long time and no amount of brushing would do.
“Remus,” he repeated, but his voice was a little timid - stupid, even for him. He’d spent years in the most horrible place in the world and fought his ways back to freedom and yet he would still get shy around Remus alone. He felt fifteen again, only now Remus looked better - more mature, with more scars on his face and a short blonde beard... or maybe he didn’t look better. Maybe Sirius was just craving him for so long he didn’t notice any negatives.
“Yes?” Remus answered finally when there’s nothing for him to keep busy with, but he still wouldn’t look Sirius in the eye. They avoided each other, that’s true - ever since they saw each other again at Grimmaud Place 12 by the beginning of summer, they’d exchanged a few polite words and observations at the Order meetings, but they had not talked in private. It’d been killing both of them, obviously. The memories of what they had back in Hogwarts were haunting them, hurtful, vivid and real like ghosts.
“I can’t stand you not talking to me,” Sirius said quietly and ran hand through his hair - Remus’ heart beat twice as hard at that simple gesture, a gesture he would do all the time back in the old days. It made his heart feel warm. “I can’t stand the silence.”
Remus nodded with his lip bitten and his eyes still glazing down, on the tiled floor. “It’s been so long. I don’t know if I can-“
“Moony-“ Sirius whispered quietly, and Remus used all his strength not to sob out loud; though he felt like screaming, he felt like throwing plates around. Not that name, anything but that name. It brought back everything, every emotion hit Remus like a truck. What they had back in Hogwarts was magical, pure, not just a young love they would eventually forget - memories of Sirius kept him going through all those years of loneliness. Memories and hope he’d see him again, and now that he had, he suddenly became speechless.
But there were so many things he wanted to say! How unfair was it that they had to be torn apart, how he’d missed him everyday through all long, painful thirteen years, how he prayed for his return, and had almost lost hope. How he dreamt of Sirius, of his long fingers, warm breath, long hair, even the smell of cigarette Sirius would always keep behind his ear. How Remus lost the ability to form a Patronus ever since Sirius was arrested, because every one of his best memories was about him, and he had lost him.
Remus wanted to say that he still loved him.
“Will you say something?” Sirius bit his lip and smiled doubtfully. “You’re killing me, Moony. Are you mad at me?”
“I don’t know,” Remus answered honestly and finally looked him in the eyes, the dark eyes he used to stare into for hours. “A part of me is mad at you for leaving.”
“I had no choice-“
“You asked me,” Remus added. “I am angry, Sirius, I’m angry about all that we had- and lost. I don’t know how I feel. You were gone for thirteen years! I learnt how to live alone, I had to! I was waiting- for- for-“
“My return?” Sirius smiled sadly.
“Yes,” Remus placed his fingers on his forehead and scratched it. “For your return. Even though the chances were non existent, I waited. My life had been nothing but misery. Of course you had it worse, but I’m angry, because we could’ve had a future together, and you- you selfish man- you ruined it.”
“He killed my friends!” Sirius wailed, making Remus jump away, surprised at his sudden outburst. “He sentenced them to death!”
“They were my friends, too!” Remus screamed back. “I loved Lily and James! But I didn’t throw away everything I had to go and fuck up my life! And yours!”
Sirius was about to yell something more, but he bit his tongue in the last second, because he saw tears forming in Remus’ eyes. He had to calm down, Remus had to calm down, they needed to talk, not to fight with each other. Sirius sighed.
“I am sorry, Remus,” he started softly, way softer than Remus expected. The tears already started falling down Remus' cheeks. He didn’t want to cry, but he had been broken for many, many years, and that conversation did not go the way he wanted it to, and everything was wrong and too much for him to handle.
“I am sorry I left you, I’m sorry I didn’t think of it when I stormed off that night.”
“I didn’t know where you were,” Remus sobbed quietly and the memories of that terrible night suddenly came back to him, although through the years he tried his best to bury them deep and never think of them. He hid his face in his hands. “You just ran away- do you have any idea how I- I woke up, you were gone, I thought- it’s like you never loved me, Sirius. It hurt, I didn’t know what to do, where to go, you just stormed off, forgot about me- about everything-“
Sirius cuddled him without a word and kept him close long enough for Remus to calm down a little, which seemed to take long minutes. Remus’ tears wet his shirt, and every one of those tears reminded Sirius how badly he had hurt him, and how much he hates himself.
When Remus seemed to breathe normally again, Sirius let him out of his embrace.
“I never forgot,” he put a hand on Remus’ cheek with a quick hesitation. When Remus didn’t react, he wiped his tears away with his thumb. He felt like an asshole. “Remus, I thought of you everyday. I still do. No words can make up for what I did to you. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I wish more than anything to turn back time and change it.”
Remus sniffled and breathed deeply, trying to calm down. He looked at Sirius’s face, a face he once loved, now looking so distant, yet somehow well known.
“It’s been so long.”
“I know,” Sirius nodded and ran hand through Remus’ hair. Remus shivered a little at that, but smiled. Tears were still running down his cheeks. "We've wasted too many years."
“I can’t believe you’re back.”
“I am,” Sirius placed his hands on Remus’ back and cuddled him tightly again, trying to make up for all the years they’d spent apart. He knew he would do that often, because there was nothing he craved more in this world than the touch of that man. He felt they were alright again. After so long, they finally talked. It was all he ever wanted, and more. “I will never leave again.”
Remus nodded and smiled. They stood like that for a few minutes, just enjoying each other’s warmth and smell. Remus’ head was pressed against Sirius’ neck, his hands on Sirius’ thighs, and he finally felt whole again, after years of feeling lonely, guilty and sad. The moment was so fulfilling Remus never wanted to let go of his lover again.
“I have to ask you, though,” Sirius spoke quietly, looking Remus in the eye. “Do you still...”
“What?”
“Love me?”
Remus looked at the face of his best friend. Time had changed him, making him way more sadder and tired than he used to be - everything in his face had changed but his eyes. Remus could drown in those beautiful, dark eyes. He knew time had changed nothing. Sirius could have returned twenty years from now, and his feelings would be exactly the same.
“I still do. I think I always will.”
“Good,” Sirius cuddled to him again, finally feeling that he’s home. “Me too.”