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Tony met them at the elevator with a grin far too wide to appease the anxiety knotting in Sam's stomach. The evening of trying to soothe Captain America’s relentless anxiety had been draining and left him with more questions than answers. Stark’s appearance did not calm him in the slightest.
"We were getting worried about Steve, here! Glad to see he brought some reinforcement."
Tony made a grand gesture to follow and Sam watched Steve out of the corner of his eye for a reaction. Sam did not intend to be reinforcement; he was here as support for a friend, nothing more and hopefully nothing less. Steve appeared to be trying to make himself smaller, an impossible feat for a man as large as he was.
Regret and shame maring his expression wasn’t something Sam had seen before on this level. That being said, this wasn't a situation one would expect to arise either.
“Is Bucky okay?" Steve finally asked in the elevator.
Something classical trickled through the speakers but it didn’t abate the tension in the air. It was practically choking Sam at this point and he was thankful Steve had finally said something. They were going down to the lab to 'have a nice chat with Banner’ according to Tony. He wouldn’t divulge the details because he didn’t want to ‘spoil the fun’. Sam highly doubted either of them would find it fun because he seemed incredibly nervous. Perhaps as nervous as Steve was.
"Well, uh, funny thing is, I don't know." Tony shrugged with a half-hearted attempt at smirking. It was a pained grimace as best. "He maintains he's not Bucky."
Steve nodded looking distracted as he asked hollowly, "No outside influences?"
"We checked audio at Rumlow's place and there weren't any triggers words that we could connect with the intel drop Romanoff graciously provided.” Tony glanced at Sam. “Do you have any thoughts?"
Sam held up his hands. He had no idea what he was meant to think but at this point he was not passing any judgement prior to knowing exactly what had happened. That and ensuring Steve didn’t fall into a nervous breakdown was all he was focused on.
In Bruce’s portion of the lab, the doctor’s typically orderly workspace was cluttered with empty mugs of tea. Banner greeted them with a weary smile, bags of exhaustion gathered under his eyes.
“Steve,” he greeted him first, warmly.
Sam had to appreciate that Banner was so level-headed (that is to say when he was himself and not the Hulk). Steve mustered a smile but his posture was still downtrodden, like he wanted to go hide as soon as possible. Understandable, all things considered. He probably felt a bit exposed, villainous even though he himself could be considered a victim if what he said was true.
“Show ‘em the thing.”
Tony seemed somewhere between nervous and eager as he waved toward the multiple screens set up. Bruce nudged the mouse and the screens lit up. Scans of a brain, Bucky’s brain most likely.
“This is part of Sergeant Barnes’ limbic system,” Banner pointed to area molted red and yellow. “I haven’t seen a hippocampus that looks like this before. It’s mutated but fully functioning by what I can see here — an MRI could give me a better idea of what we’re looking at. I sent these to a close friend — securely of course with no names attached — and she volunteered to review the imaging we get.”
Steve looked rightfully nervous, immediately very against the idea of subjecting Bucky to any more medical tests.
“The serum, it heals though.” Sam pointed out. “Whatever’s wrong with it can be fixed?”
“The serum repairs damage,” Banner said in his slow thoughtful way. Chances were he had been looking at these images all night, poured over every thought or ideal Sam himself could come up with. “I don’t know if his body recognizes it as damage. There are ways.. Chromosome X — ”
“He’s not a mutant, Bruce.” Tony rolled his eyes. “And that’s the absolute last thing you want floating out there. You think SHIELD is bad, you should hear about the bureaucratic bullshit going on with their kind.”
“Don’t say their kind,” Bruce glanced at Tony in a sharp manner.
The billionaire threw up his hands in mock defeat.
“Sorry — I was just thinking about the fact that they’re not, y’know, humans.” Tony arched a brow. “As they’ve pointed out many times.”
“Either way,” Sam cut in because politics were always messy. “You’re thinking that the serum won’t repair it and this could be the cause of the other ‘people’ sharing Barnes body?”
“That is the current theory — but if we could get a better look…” Bruce turned away from the screen. “Besides, Winter is wonderful. He means well and spent the evening with Clint. I don’t think he’s an immediate threat to anyone.”
“Wonderful,” Tony muttered. “Whatever he is, it’s not Barnes. He told us that Bucky could come back if you were gone, Steve. Sounds like he has some kind of hold on Barnes’ mind and is trying to get to you.”
“I disagree,” Bruce said as Steve looked increasingly panicked. “Winter does not seem like a malicious or maleficent personality. He left the Tower with Clint and — ”
“What?” Steve said sharply. “You let him leave without knowing what he could do?”
“I want it on record I thought it was a terrible idea and expressed my concerns.” Tony volunteered immediately, “Barton gave me great description on where I can shove my concerns so if you’re going to be pissed at anyone, Cap — it’s him.”
Bruce inhaled deeply and said, “I don’t think it’s fair that you have this level of distrust in him. He was nothing but honest with us.”
“He’s playing dumb.” Tony folded his arms over the arc reactor. “I don’t know if I buy it. I fought this guy.”
“You fought the Winter Soldier.” Sam said. “Bruce thinks they might be different people. In that case they wouldn’t act the same, right?”
“This is like the worst episode of the Twilight Zone ever.” Tony’s expression was that of a petulant child.
Steve looked toward Sam for clarification on the reference and he waved it off. Old TV shows were very low on the list of what they had to deal with.
“Nat doesn’t trust him.” Tony said as though her opinion held more weight than the fact they were different people.
“Natasha has a habit of not trusting a lot of people,” Bruce turned to face them. “The fact of the matter is that they are, from what I can gather from speaking with Winter and from these images, different people.”
Steve’s expression was stony and Sam’s stomach clenched in. Part of him was horribly curious about this. The other parts of him didn’t know what to expect from this man who wasn’t Bucky.
•• •• •• ••
An hour later they were back on Steve's floor while Winter, not Bucky, was sitting on the floor in the further corner, eyes averted and shoulders hunched. It wasn't defensive, which Sam found interesting. He seemed sullen, somber and withdrawn. Steve was staring pointedly away from him.
Bruce had shown them the brain scans and explained it as Winter and Bucky and the Winter Soldier being three different people who happened to live in the same body. With all the experiments Hydra had done, Banner said he had no idea why it had happened, but suggested each person had a role in surviving for so long in Hydra's grasp.
The Soldier did missions; Winter was there for the times in between, to obey his superiors. Sam had suspected the sexual abuse, but didn't ask Steve or Bucky about it because they never brought it up. Typically Sam would never play therapist for his friends, it was too messy. Once you started to psychoanalyze them, you couldn't stop. But this was sensitive and volatile.
Sam would help them both in anyway he could, even if it was just opening up communication.
"Winter, do you want to come sit over here?"
Sam pointed to the open chair across from them. It was positioned evenly between Steve and Sam.
Winter obeyed immediately and Steve shifted a bit uncomfortable at Winter’s approach.
"Wait," Sam held out his hand to stop Winter before he sat. "Do you want to sit here? You don't have to if you're more comfortable somewhere else."
Blind obedience wasn't going to work for them. Winter, from what Sam understood, was ingrained with the need to please.
"I'll sit if you want me to." Winter said immediately, "Just tell me where. I'm sorry, Steve. I'm really sorry."
Sam wondered how Winter saw Steve: as a handler or as an ally? Was his only connection through Bucky?
"It's fine." Steve said shortly. "Just stop apologizing, alright?"
Sam didn't miss the way Winter flinched, the desperate look of his eyes widening as he realized Steve was clearly displeased. He obviously was blaming himself, hands twisting together anxiously. Sam remembered Steve commenting about Bucky apologizing a lot the night before.
Winter was clearly very anxious and, taking into account his background, it wasn't at all surprising.
"Winter," Sam softened his voice a bit, "Sit where you feel most comfortable."
Winter paused a moment as he mulled it over and went back to the corner. The corners of Steve's mouth twitched in a suppressed frown but Sam didn't share his disappointment. It was progress.
"Do you remember me?"
He directed the question toward Winter who hesitated long enough to look toward Steve for permission he wouldn't give. He didn't look so much like Barnes or the Soldier, really. There was a confusion drawn into face that was deep rooted, like he couldn't completely decide on a very difficult situation — but permanent.
"I remember you. Sam Wilson. Steve's friend." Winter frowned, curtain of hair falling to hide his face as he looked down at his knees. "Bucky's friend."
Steve's head snapped up. "Where is he?"
"Steve," Sam began but Steve glared at him.
"I don't know," Winter's voice had grown even softer, "He'll come though. He always comes back."
"Right and until he does," Sam clapped his hands to get Steve's attention again. "We can get to know Winter. Silver lining, right?"
"Right." Steve snorted and Sam was surprised — who would have known Steve Rogers was capable of being an ass?
"I know you two haven't gotten off on the best foot," Sam decided to barrel right to the heart of it. Pussyfooting around the issue would just prolong this passive aggressive defense Steve was using to hide how hurt he was. Sam was sympathetic, really he was, but he was sympathetic toward the both of them. "Winter, you know that Steve never would have forced you to have sex with him, right?"
"Sam." Steve's voice was strangled as he looked impressively wounded. "Jesus!"
"Steve can do whatever he wants," Winter insisted quickly. "He — he loves Bucky and this is Bucky's body, too, and Bucky... It was okay. I shouldn't have run away and I know that now and I won't do it again."
"Why didn't you just say you weren't Bucky?" Steve asked through gritted teeth.
Winter blinked slowly once, twice and then said, "Because I knew how much he means to you and how angry you'd be that I was here. And... I was scared and I know it's stupid because you're allowed to do whatever you want and I won't fight back or run. I promise."
"That's not true, Winter." Sam had explained this once but the dead-eyed gaze he'd gotten the entire time made him think it was the Soldier. "No one is allowed to touch you or make you do anything that you don't want to do. I understand that before you were doing what you had to right? To keep everyone safe?"
"The Chair pushed Bucky into the Dark Place," Winter whispered as if afraid of being overheard. "Bucky didn't follow the rules. He tried to fight back and you can't. You can't fight back. I was good so Bucky could stay."
"The Dark Place? Is that where his now?" Steve sounded alarmed and Sam waved him off. "Is he...safe there?"
"It's where we go to rest," Winter wasn't as stiff as before. "Me and Bucky, I mean. The Soldier only gets to rest in cryo — we all rest there. Bucky hasn't been in the Dark Place for a long time. He was probably tired."
"Aren't you tired?" Steve shot back immediately. "Two days, that's a long time right? Bucky will be ready to come back soon?"
Sam gave Steve a pointed look that ignored. Like a man desperate to the see the light he was staring at Winter with hopefulness rather than reproach but Sam knew it was because he thought he could get Bucky back sooner. And that was going to be an issue.
"I don't know," Winter shrugged helplessly. "I went to sleep and-and when I woke up you... It was okay."
Steve cringed a bit and Sam moved closer to Winter. "When did you go to sleep?"
"Clint bought Lucky a new collar and we took him for a walk. It was blue with red hearts because it was almost Valentine's Day." Winter looked miserably at Steve who made a choking sound. "I was sleeping for a long time."
Four months. Steve stood up suddenly and Sam grabbed his arm. "I just need a minute," He croaked. "I need...some water."
"Can I have water?" Winter asked in a small voice. "I was really good while you were gone. I didn't ask anyone or drink from the sink or anything."
Steve buried his face in his hands and Sam understood. He had lost Bucky and was thrown back to the time 'permission to do anything'. It had been a long rocky journey to get where he and Barnes had been and all of that had vanished overnight for reasons no one understood. "I'll get you some water," Sam told him quickly. "Then we'll keep talking."
"Thank you. I can repay you," he added hastily.
Sam felt sick and Steve broke free. "No, Winter. You don't need to repay anyone for anything anymore."
•• •• •• ••
"Steve."
Sam wasn’t sure on how to appropriately breach the conversation with Steve. He was no more confident in his ability to lead a productive conversation between them. This version was Bucky wasn’t assertive enough and the guilt on Steve’s shoulders was too heavy to make up for any difference. It made sense that Steve would be reluctant; both had experienced a violation, a shattering of whatever possible trust could be between them. Winter couldn’t say no but Steve didn’t know that.
Steve’s breathing was rapid and uneven, as though he was recovering from great excursion. His fist rested on a crack portion of the wall. Tony’s reinforcements apparently hadn’t matched whatever anger was festering inside Captain America. Steve dragged in a breath, ragged and unsteady as he looked before he spoke.
"I want him back Sam. I want my Bucky back. Not...not whatever he is." Steve rested his forehead against the wall shoulders slouched down as whatever anger he felt was sapped away by sorrow. "I know that it's wrong of me and that I shouldn't feel that way but..."
"It's not wrong to feel anything."
Sam believed that his core. Emotion did not need justification. He sidestepped around the bulk of Steve’s shoulder to try and make eye contact. Steve had a habit of trying to physically block vulnerability and Sam hadn’t seen him this vulnerable in a long time. Steve’s face was flushed, eyes stormy with just enough anger to be noticeable and a bit guilty as well it seemed.
"You don't like this part of Bucky?”
"It's not Bucky.” Steve said sharply before his averted his eyes back to the wall and his fist pressed firmly against the wall again. The fissures crept a bit further along the wall but Steve didn’t seem to notice. His voice was significantly softer as he added, “Bucky's not..."
A victim, Sam immediately filled in. It wasn’t unexpected but it still caught him off guard. Bucky had always been the tough one in the history books and in Steve’s stories. Poor and sickly Steve who found himself into trouble was always saved by his tough best pal. This side wasn’t what Steve knew. Prior experience, the time Steve grew up in, the sheer shock and trauma of had happened all came together and Sam expected this kind of resistance and reluctance. Changing a mindframe, an understanding of a person you knew — or thought you knew — wasn't something that happened overnight.
"Winter. He has a name."
A muscle in Steve’s jaw pulsed while his eyes hardened over. The cracks in the wall travelled even further but Steve noticed this time because he pulled a deep breath that was meant to be calming, Sam suspected. His eyes clenched shut and his teeth were still grit.
"I don't want to start over. What if I can't do it again Sam? It doesn't make sense. Bucky had recovered and he was fine. We were fine. Can’t Bruce try and bring him back?" Steve cracked open his eyes blearily. “Or Tony even? This isn’t Hydra and we need to fix it. Fix him.”
"It sounds like Bucky is resting.” Sam hoped staying casual could calm the moment. “Banner says that they'll take turn like he and Hulk do."
Steve looked sharply at him and Sam had to admit comparing Winter to the Hulk was not his best idea. There wasn’t a one-liner or motivational speech that could convince Steve to tolerate the fact that Bucky had pieces of Hydra that would linger beyond the arm.
However the longer they remained there the more anxious Winter would become however.
"Steve, I'm not telling you what to do here — you're your own person, you make all your own decisions — but you helped Winter before right?"
Bartering, that wasn’t too low of Sam right?
"I thought he was Bucky." Steve took his hand from the wall and scrubbed his palm over his face. "He was Bucky. He was here, Sam. It was really him. What happened with-with Winter only happened once, right?"
Sam wished he knew the answer.
He wanted to console them both, absolve Steve's guilt and quell Winter's...whatever the hell Winter's deal was.
Unfortunately for both of them, things weren't as simple as apologizing and forgetting. Not when it was so deeply and irrevocably personal. Sam definitely wasn’t qualified to stand there and try to mediate this mindfuck of a situation, but here he stood, regardless. He hoped Riley was having a good chuckle at his expense wherever he was.
He tried to sound firm and certain in what he said. Confidence was a funny thing: show enough of it and no one questioned you.
"I'm not the person to ask that to, man. I know you feel bad and I know you miss James but you gotta talk to him eventually. He's clearly upset. If I can tell how uncomfortable you are around him, so can he."
Getting to know Steve as a person rather than a childhood hero had been a bittersweet experience. It was surreal in many ways, to get coffee with Freedom incarnate. But there were also moments like this when Steve's body sagged with the weight of a hundred years of disappointment that made Sam want that guy in the bright suit pointing at him from the TV set or posters in school.
This side of Steve, the human side was still his best friend. Since losing Riley it had been tough connecting with people like he used to. He knew how to float through, have enough acquaintances that no one realized he didn't have anyone close. Steve had changed that for Sam.
He was genuinely a good guy...but he was still as flawed as the rest of them. As much as it stung it was refreshing too.
"Okay." Steve said. He said with such weighted defeat Sam would have thought he was surrendering at gunpoint. He didn't turn to face him, he just rested his forehead against the wall. A broken man. "God you’re right. It's my responsibility. Like Rumlow said — I broke him."
"Winter isn't a broken piece of Bucky," he didn't mean to speak sharply but Steve wasn't typically so insensitive. Besides Steve had superb hearing, Winter probably did too. “And I didn’t say he was your responsibility or that you broke him.”
"I didn't mean it like that," Steve said immediately but a look dawned on his face that said, 'wait, that's exactly what I meant'. "Winter has more..." problems? "quirks than Bucky or the Soldier. Bucky needed some help at first but hell, he hated asking for it."
Sam thought back to the early months of Bucky (Winter, actually it seemed) and agreed that Winter had already asked for more than Bucky would, especially in front of Sam.
Winter had no semblance of independence. Hydra had groomed and taught him to behave a certain way. That was all he knew and it made a lasting impact that was obviously unhealthy and draining on whoever it was taking charge of him. It had been ideal for the handlers to have complete control of their asset. But now, the results of that were hard to look at.
Sam was forced to endure yet another wave of guilt: Winter had been molded into this person against his will and now Steve was obligated to meet those needs because he happened to share a body with his lover.
This was Grade-A psychologist material. As a counselor Sam Wilson was far out of his depth. Despite this Sam, the dutiful friend, the oh-so-brave Falcon, was still there and wasn’t that just peachy?
Winter and Bucky had non traditional needs so could have easily meant it required a non traditional answer.
While it was no fault of Winter’s that he felt he needed assistance to meet even the most basic of his needs, it wasn’t a lifelong sentencing. It could be improved on, Winter could gain independence the same way Bucky had.
When Winter came to New York to be with Steve after the trials, it had been like that. Whenever Sam even touched on the subject of not doing so much for Winter (who Steve thought was Bucky, at the time) Steve had immediately refused. Steve wanted to stay relevant with him because he was distant with deep trauma. Winter was this way simply because it made his handling easiest but Steve couldn’t see it before. Hopefully now he would be able to see it.
Sam suspected it was why Winter returned to Rumlow and Rollins — they were the last handler’s who had supplied all those conditioned needs without abusing it as much as those in the past had.
The way that Winter could very well feel Steve had.
The situation could have been avoided if he didn't have the need to please everyone he encountered.
"Helping Winter made him back into Bucky the first time." Steve voice hardened up a bit, less desperate and more determined.
Sam exhaled feeling a migraine creeping up behind his eyes. Patience was key here, he reminded himself. Steve could be stubborn but even this level of stubbornness was equal parts frustrating and impressive.
"I don't think that's going to help Winter. That's what caused all this, Steve — he doesn't disagree with anyone." That gauged a reaction as Steve turned around looking ready to argue. "Don't think about how you and Bucky are, think about how Winter was before. He eats when you feed him, he asks permission for everything. He was trained to be dependent on someone and that's all he knows. The Asset can’t defer because everything he needs to function is given to him by his CO. If you want to help
Winter, really help him better himself and the situation, then help him become independent."
Sam might as well of have spoken a different language with the look Steve gave him. It was ugly with disbelief. Sam might as well of claimed himself to being apart of Hydra.
"What, I’m supposed to say ‘no’ when he asks for food and water?" Steve’s arms folded stubbornly across his chest and Sam’s own frustration gained another notch.
"I'm really not the most qualified to walk you guys through this sort of thing, Steve. I know you don't like the idea of mental health professionals but you both could really benefit from it." Steve's nose scrunched a bit. Clearly Captain America already hated everything about it. "Winter would benefit. It would help him."
"I don't want anyone else messing with Bucky's head," Steve was practically bristling now. "We can't trust SHIELD doctors and you know that."
"So find someone who's not affiliated with SHIELD." Sam lifted and dropped his shoulders. "But you know Dr. Sheehan helped the first time around and she works there. Things have changed at SHIELD now they’ve sorted out the moles. If you don’t trust them, trust me. I trust Dr. Sheehan."
"I don't know." Steve glanced stressfully back toward the living room. "I just want to know that Bucky will be back."
Sam knew better than to continue to batter against the barrier Steve had set up at this point. Nothing was instantaneous and until Steve realized that his behavior was not healthy they weren't going to go anywhere. Sam would try it from another angle later.
"Maybe you can get him some water and remind him that he’s allowed to get his own water whenever he wants?”
Steve nodded his head looking oddly determined but he didn't move to obey right away. "This part of Bucky...the Winter part.” Steve took a deep breath. “It just let them do whatever they wanted to him? The wipes and the experiments and..y’know?"
In the 30's no one talked about this sort of thing —possibly because no one would have thought it existed. Sam had to remind himself that this wasn't Steve being callous, it was him truly trying to understand as well he could, all things considered.
"Looks like it. But I'm sure he has plenty more to offer beyond compliance. Get to know him, give him a shot."
"Once he's better d'ya think Bucky will be back?" Steve asked softly.
"I don't know. But if your ultimate goal for helping Winter is to get rid of him, it's not going to work."
Steve’s eyes widened a bit. “I didn’t mean it that way. I...I don’t know, okay? I hate that I don’t know this part of Bucky. That I can’t save Bucky from whatever, or whoever, this is.”
“That's why we're doing this. We’re laying out some rules — I’m a third party negotiator for what is and isn't okay."
Steve relaxed a bit and nodded his head. Sam counted that a victory. A teeny tiny one but it was something. Steve’s eyes suddenly seemed a hundred years older as they met Sam's.
"Yeah," Steve drew away from the wall, looking at the damage he'd done seeming a bit ashamed. "I'm going to get him some water."
"Alright but we're gonna talk about Winter getting his own water."
Sam looked meaningfully toward Steve, his best ‘no bullshit’ expression. It worked as often as Steve bulldozed over it but he hoped it would work this time. He was not left disappointed as Steve nodded though he looked reproachful.
"We'll be waiting." Sam said as he started toward the living room.
He was sure Winter would have heard every word and been a mess of nerves and desperate for whatever form of reassure and forgiveness he could gain. He was a bit surprised to find Winter had moved when he got back. The man was now perched tentatively on the edge of the chair, staring down at his hands which where twisting over each other in his lap.
Sam tried not to notice his friend's nervous habits (Natasha toyed with the tiny silver arrow around her throat, Tony couldn't shut up to save his life, Clint would sign what others were saying around him, Bruce would trip over his words or tap on his desk, Steve fidgeted — Sam was, admittedly, not very good at not noticing them).
"Hey," Sam said.
Winter didn’t look immediately up at him when he entered. His eyes were hidden by lank strands of hair, head was down turned. He made sure his voice as soft. He didn’t want to catch him off guard. Despite the precaution, Winter startled at his greeting. The Soldier was never caught by surprise and Bucky didn't scare easily from the encounters Sam had experienced with him.
"Sorry, I should've announced myself."
"It's okay." Winter’s voice was just barely that above a whisper. Breathless and afraid. “You don’t need to tell me anything.”
Winter teeth worried against this bottom lip. He glanced up at Sam skittishly, the ghost of a smile forced across his face while his eyes held nothing but narrowly handled fear. It made Sam think of a cornered dog that knew it couldn’t bite.
Sam sat down in the same spot he had been before for consistency sake — nice and easy — and tried come at it from his level (whatever that level was, anyway).
"Well people don't like to be surprised, right?" Sam said with a shrug he hoped was casual. "I sure don't. I served in the war, kind of like you did, and sometimes I forget that I'm not in active duty when people catch me by surprise. Do you ever feel like that?"
Winter made a stalling noise, eyes shifting from Sam to the spot on the couch where Steve had been sitting.
"Steve is back. It's okay." Winter stated in a decisive tone, completely ignoring what Sam had said.
"Steve makes you feel safe?"
Sam clearly hit a nerve. Winter twisted his hands together even tighter, breathing rough and uneven. There were red marks left on his flesh hand from how tightly he let the metal dig in. Sam couldn’t help but be alarmed and feel slightly at fault.
"Hey, don't hurt yourself."
Winter's hands snapped apart immediately and Sam reminded himself that ordering him around would not help him become independent. Still, the tension that gripped Winter was obvious.
"Steve is kind. Steve loves Bucky.”
Sam expected the tone to have some semblance of distress like his physical response had, but his voice was soft and even. His voice hardly seemed to belong to Barnes.
It didn't, Sam realized, because this was a completely different person.
"This isn't about Bucky, it's about you."
Sam could hear Steve’s footfalls approaching and Winter's eyes were now darting between Sam and the doorway anxiously. Sam took advantage of the moment to get a honest reaction from Winter.
"Steve's coming back right now — how do you feel about that?"
"I don't know," Winter looked panicked. His tone was gutted as he repeated himself. "I don't know, I’m sorry."
Steve paused in the doorway and glanced at Sam. Chances were Steve had heard it all from kitchen. Steve held a glass of water out, movements wooden and expression not exactly unfriendly but it lacked any warmth.
"I brought you water.”
Winter’s face was chillingly blank as he took the cup in his flesh hand and nearly sloshed it over the rim. Sam hasn't even noticed he was shaking but now he did that didn't seem like the right word for it. He was practically vibrating with nervous energy. Winter carefully switch hands, taking the cup in the metal hand which was not shaking and waited.
Sam caught Steve's eye meaningfully, hoping that he would be able to see the issue a bit more clearly now. Before, when he was just getting back from Hydra's control Steve had written it off. He couldn't ignore it now. How long had it been since the Bucky Steve knew waited to drink until he had his ‘handler’s permission.
"You can drink it," Steve sounded exhausted.
"I'm not that thirsty. You don't have to water me yet," Winter could hear the unhappiness as clearly as Sam could but Sam wasn’t certain if Winter was aware it wasn’t directed toward him.
"Water you? What are you, a plant?" Sam tried humor — it sort of worked with Steve, it could, maybe, sort of work with Winter.
"I'm Winter. I don't know Plant." Winter looked a bit frightened and determined, brows knitting together as if wracking his probably extremely busy brain for another personality. "I can be Plant if you want me to."
"No, it was just a joke." Sam said quickly but Jesus the fact this guy didn’t understand that was sad.
"Humor." Winter smiled and it was awkward and lopsided and definitely heartbreaking. "I'll remember next time, I promise. Can I drink this please? I know I probably don't need it — "
"Of course," Steve said immediately. "Any time you're hungry or thirsty you're allowed to take whatever you need. You don't need my permission."
Winter did not understand this and opened his mouth as if to question it but caught himself. "You can say whatever you want," Sam reminded him. "Go ahead."
"I don't know how." Winter said quietly and Steve stiffened up. "I can learn to be more like Bucky. I'm good at learning things. Please don't hate me."
Sam felt bad for Winter before but now he found himself pitying Steve. Of course Steve hated this. He didn't want to be reminded of who Winter wasn't. It wasn't fair for Steve to be expected to cater his life around him. This was undeniably shitty but also a good opportunity for growth and it could go much quicker than the first time around.
“If I’m not around,” Steve said quietly, “you need to be able to feed yourself.”
Winter whined anxiously. “But I-I don’t know how,” he stressed once more, voice trembling. “Please.”
Whatever confidence Steve had visibly waned so Sam made an attempt to save his will before he gave in completely.
"Here's an idea — I have a cookbook with some basic recipes I can bring you Winter. Maybe you and Steve could do that? You cook and if you need help Steve can step in then.”
"So you’ll help me?” Winter looked to Steve for verification of this.
Sam could see that there was an underlying reproach there however. It made Sam doubt whether or not Winter really wanted this or if he saw Steve as a Handler. Either way it was all the more reason to have Winter see a qualified professional. In fact all of the people who shared Barnes body should have been but if Bucky was anywhere as resistant to current psychology as Steve was, it wouldn't be happening anytime soon.
Steve looked away from Winter but it was clear that he was wrestling with the guilt that came with that statement. Sam could feel for both parties: Winter didn't ask to be here but Steve hadn't asked for it either. Sam took hold of the moment and redirected it to expectations they held for each other because it was a lot easier to say than ‘rules’.
Through a line of careful questioning Sam eventually wrangled out them out of Steve and made some educated inferences on Winter’s part because he couldn’t speak for himself it seemed. "Here's what I've got," he said nearly two hours later. He didn’t expect it to be nearly as draining as it turned out to be."Steve would prefer it if you, Winter, didn't pretend to be Bucky. If he ever mistakes you for Bucky, Steve would like it if you would correct him. It's fine you're not Bucky and Steve will never get mad. Right Steve?"
"Yes." Steve said immediately. "Don't ever be afraid to say you're not Bucky if I ever... I don't want what happened to ever happen okay? I don't want you to be hurt."
"It was okay," Winter said immediately and Sam wondered if he was fighting a losing battle, if all this time was in vain. "I...I don't mind. I'll be good for you Steve. Until Bucky's back."
"No." Steve shook his head. "I don't want that."
He might as well have told Winter to take a flying leap by the distraught on his face. There was a sickening crunch sound as the anxious twisting of his hands broke or dislocated his wrist. Sam’s breath caught and Steve leapt to his feet, rushing toward Winter, ignoring the way he flinched.
"Bucky — Winter, I mean. Winter." He lifted Winter’s flesh arm gingerly but he didn't seem at all phased by the self injury or mistaken name. "How bad is it?"
"You don't want me." Winter blinked rapidly as if the idea itself was beyond comprehension. "But...but I was good. I was… I behaved. You didn't know until the Commander said and-and it's not fair. I was good Steve."
Steve pivoted around to stare at Sam, begging for assistance he knew he wasn't qualified to provide. "Okay, okay."
He tried to step forward and see the wrist but Winter jerked away from them, completely upturning the chair he'd finally migrated toward. So much for progress on that front.
"You hate me." Winter’s voice warbled dangerously.
"I don't hate you," Steve countered immediately.
"If you don't hate me then why...why don't you want me?" Sam felt a weight settle in the pit of his stomach.
"Wanting you and-and hurting you are two different things," Steve's voice cracked a bit. "We're friends okay? Bucky and I are...more than friends but you and me are just friends."
"Friends," Winter echoed. "Sam told Bucky that having friends is important. I should have friends too?"
"That's right," Winter looked visibly soothed so Sam held out a hand. "Can I check out your hand? It sounds like it hurt."
"Oh." Winter frowned down at it. "I've been hurt worse it’s already fixed."
Super Soldier serum — gotta love it.
"Okay, let’s keeping going.”
The sooner Sam finished up here the sooner he could go home and try and forget how fucked up it all was.
"Steve will help you with things when you need it but it's important that you try things on your own at first, Winter."
"I can't," Winter insisted. "I-I'm not allowed and I don't know how and I'll do it wrong and — "
"You don't have to do everything perfectly the first time and you are allowed.” Sam corrected but he didn’t think Steve would.
"The Soldier doesn't make mistakes. It won't let me make mistakes." Winter wasn't refusing directly because Sam suspected conditioning wouldn’t allow him to but there was a resistance there that he completely anticipated. "I can’t to do it wrong. I have to be good."
"We'll work on it. You working on it is being good." Sam said, meaning Steve was going to have to put his foot down and actually attempt to curb the behavior. "Steve, if Winter has questions on how to do something new can he ask you?"
"Of course." Steve nodded his head. "Anything you need."
Sam wanted to smack him. Steve could be painfully dense at times it that drove him crazy. He was so far off point it was near painful.
"Okay, boundaries.” Because Sam didn’t know how much longer he could tolerate this mess without a breather. “We talked about you guys not having sex and you both agree that it's something done between Bucky and Steve, not Winter and Steve, right?"
Winter looked to Steve, metal hand twisting over the freshly healed hand nervously. Steve sighed quietly and nodded his head. "Yes. Winter, we're friends but...that sorta stuff is just between me and and Buck."
"What about the Soldier?" Winter whispered.
Steve looked rightfully alarmed because who in their right mind would ever crawl into bed with him? "No. The Soldier and I are friends. Like us."
Sam did not envy that Steve would have to deal with this for the foreseeable future.
"The Soldier thinks that you're it's Handler." Winter said after a moment of looking thoughtful. "You should stay it's Handler cos it needs one. So it doesn't hurt anyone."
The 'it' rubbed Sam the wrong way but that wasn’t nearly as pressing as the idea of the Soldier hurting someone.
"Does the Soldier want to hurt someone?"
Sam asked, as gently as he possibly could while completely aware of how dangerous the Winter Soldier was — it wasn’t something to be taken lightly.
Winter made a low noise, damn near opposition, and back against the wall sliding down to wrap his arms around his knees.
"I don't want to talk about it." His voice trembled.
Sam got up and righted the chair, stepping closer. Winter was whimpering quietly to himself, mouth pressed hard against his knees to stifle himself. Sam suspected this was because he had been trained so long to keep quiet that he couldn't help it.
"Sometimes the stuff that's really hard to talk about is the most important stuff to hear," Sam told him, taking a knee just out of reach in case the Soldier lashed out.
He didn't want to push Winter too far from his comfort zone and make him more resistant but he also didn't want to demand him to open up and admit to something that may or may not have been true to just to appease him because Winter would do that and that would cause more harm than good.
"Sometimes it feels better to talk about it so Steve and I can help you fix it." Sam further elaborated when the stifled sounds continued and he wouldn’t look at him.
Sam glanced at Steve, hoping he picked up on the phrasing. 'Help you fix it' rather than 'fix it' because Winter didn't need to be dependent on anyone else anymore.
"It makes me sad," Winter admitted in a voice that, had it gone any softer, Sam wouldn’t have been able to hear. "Steve, please be the Soldier's Handler. He needs one."
"I'm not a Handler, Buck-Winter," Steve cringed as he caught his mistake. "Sorry. I have to remember."
"But you're almost the best Handler the Soldier's ever had," Winter looked completely crushed by Steve rejection of the role. "I mean, it thinks you're the best but...The Commander is the best. You're Steve and-and you're the best Steve but — you don't have an Agent Rollins either and that's important so...almost the best. That's still good. It's had a lot of Handlers."
Sam couldn’t help but interject. Someone needed to talk about Winter's little crush on Rumlow and Rollins — it was like something out of a Stockholm Syndrome for Dummies Book.
"Winter, you know that Rumlow and Rollins are not people you should be spending time around right?"
Winter's eyes widen. "Please," he begged immediately. "I'll do anything. I'll be so good Sir, please. Don't take them away."
If it were up to Sam he'd put them away. They had literally gotten away with murder, countless murders. Jury nullification was a tricky thing that he wasn't so sure was utilized properly in their case.
But that was just his opinion. Clearly the victim had a different song to sing (not that he should have been up there at all).
"I won't." Steve swore. "I promise you that Winter."
Sam shot Steve an unimpressed glare that Steve met with cold blue eyes and no fear. Apparently Sam and Steve needed to talk about it first. Sam grudgingly noted it on his scrap paper ‘Winter is allowed to see R&R UFN’ and found he was running out space.
"So back to the boundaries," Sam continued. "The spare room can be your room. Is that okay Winter?"
"But I always sleep with you." He whispered looking at Steve pleadingly.
"It's not appropriate because you're not Bucky," Steve with just enough firmness that Winter did not object in his subtle way of whimpering but also soft enough that Winter did not shed any tears either. "But I'll help you sent up your room however you want, okay Winter? Anything you want. When you're here it's all yours."
"What about the Soldier. Can it sleep in there when I'm sleeping?" Sam could almost forget that these 'three' people lived within one body. It seemed odd that Winter was spokesperson for all of them. "Just in case. It shouldn't though unless you need it on a mission."
"Yeah, you guys can share. We'll get you some clothes too okay?"
"Okay," Winter agreed and Sam could feel bit better about their cohabitation now.
"This conversation isn't over quite yet — we have two more people who need to talk and establish their boundaries with you too Steve," Sam reminded him because it was important to hear from the Soldier, unanimously the most deadly of them all. It was probably best to avoid accidentally affecting them. "Once the others are back in, give me a call."
Steve nodded solemnly and then excused himself for a fake phone call. His eyes looked a bit misty. Poor guy probably missed Bucky a lot already.
The silence was heavy and Winter stared at where Steve had been for a bit too long. Confusion was expected: he was being asked to change the role he was knew completely.
But Sam still intended to be there, to help him however he could.