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Winter was certain that Clint or Natasha noticed first. They were spies so they spotted variations much quicker than Steve did. It didn’t really concern Steve what Winter was doing on the tablet for so long — there were obvious rules and Jarvis didn’t allow him to do anything he wasn’t supposed to — but when someone pointed out that he was spending an unusual amount of time hyper focused on the screen the Captain paused his daily ongoing to investigate.
He was probably just hoping Bucky was coming back early because they were in love, or whatever.
“Hey Win.”
Winter wrinkled his nose at the nickname. Steve wasn’t casual with him typically, he was careful. He tiptoed around him and gave him sideways looks because he wasn’t Bucky and that bothered him. It didn’t bother Winter much anymore (well, it did but Sam said that what other people think doesn’t matter so long as he’s not hurting them).
“Hi Steve.”
He was, of course, still polite and kind.
Even though Steve was not very kind when he sat down and told Winter that he already had a shadow so it wasn’t necessary to follow him everywhere. Sam came around later when Winter was waiting in his quarters because Clint was away and he didn’t know what else to do. Steve didn’t want him because he wasn’t Bucky which he knew but it still hurt his feelings. Sam had explained that Steve was just stressed out about mission things (no one told Winter anything; they would tell Bucky but not Winter and he didn’t know why.) and needed more space.
“Uh, whatcha been up to? I haven’t seen you lately.”
Winter wanted to help in some way. Anyone, not just Steve.
Sam always patted him on the arm and said that he was doing ‘just fine’ even though he wasn’t doing anything. He wasn’t supposed to be frustrated. He was supposed to be agreeable and obedient but to who? Sam had suggested he make a friend for when Clint was busy being Hawkeye.
“Giving you space.” Winter peered through his hair. Maybe it was rude — it felt rude — but he wasn’t allowed to lie. “I can go back to the room if you want to be here.”
The room because it wasn’t his alone. He and the Soldier shared it; Bucky slept with Steve.
“No,” Steve said quickly, looking panicked now. “I didn’t mean that you’re not ever allowed to be in the same room I am.”
Winter found it funny that Steve cared what he thought because Steve didn’t seem to think much of Winter. He was probably afraid of offending the Soldier but the Soldier didn’t care about Winter’s hurt feelings anymore than Steve did. Steve ran his hands through his hair, messing it up as he looked stressfully towards the wall.
Steve always looked grim when he was thinking, like he was thinking about all the ways to torture Winter.
He wouldn’t, Winter reminded himself as he felt that familiar fear settle in the pit of his stomach. He wouldn’t hurt Winter just because he could. That wasn’t allowed. Sam said so. And Steve was nice — usually.
“Okay.”
Winter folded back around the tablet. Step one was called ‘courtship’ which sounded funny. Like how Bucky had courted dames in the past but this wasn’t like that. Just friends. Winter didn’t want to do ‘that’ ever again if he had any choice in the matter. He wanted somebody like Clint who would talk to him and show him movies and tv shows and maybe they would have a pet too. Lucky was with Clint’s friend Kate and that bothered Winter a bit. Originally Winter was meant to look after him but Steve had visited Hawkeye and suggested Winter wasn’t capable of feeding and watering and walking a dog on his own and that Steve didn’t have the time to do it himself because of tasks assigned by Director Fury.
(Clint also lied and pretended he changed his mind because Kate really missed Lucky and he helped keep the neighborhood safe.)
Winter had never made friends before.
Clint picked him and Lucky liked him. Steve was stuck with him because he was in love with Bucky and also responsible for the Soldier since he took them away from SHIELD. Sam was actually just Steve’s friend who Bucky kind of liked that repeated things Steve said to him in a soft slow voice that was actually a bit insulting and rarely helped. But sometimes Sam helped a lot so they were kind of friends.
His research suggested he needed to know what kinds of friends he wanted before he could make them. Winter had made a list that he kept in his pocket for reference.
1. does not want to cause me or bucky or the soldier harm
2. likes to do things
3. doesn’t want space
4. knows about bucky and the soldier
5. will miss me when i’m not here
6. likes my friend clint and lucky
7. will talk to me
8. has a pet ?
Sam Wilson did not fit some of the categories and it felt wrong to take friends from Bucky.
The first step was to be friendly and to meet people. It was suggested that Winter join a sports team or a club but Winter couldn’t leave and he didn’t know of any sports he could play. But he had been on two teams. Firstly Hydra which everyone agreed was not good and save for the Commander and Agent Rollins (Winter thought they counted as friends and the Soldier disagreed) Winter didn’t want to be friends with them. Mostly because no one met his criteria there. Winter intended to formally request friendship with the men next time he was sent there.
The second team was the Avengers which technically the Soldier and Winter were not a part of according to Steve but Clint said they could be honorary members under his name. Steve had rolled his eyes but hasn’t said no so Winter figured it must count.
The Soldier was uneasy around Natasha and she was very close with Clint so Winter saw too much of her anyway. She was dangerous and from the Red Room so it wasn’t smart to trust her. She also didn’t have a pet though she often sidled between Winter and Lucky. Plus when Clint went away she usually was sent away too which did not solve the issue.
Bruce didn’t talk much but he was friendly. Winter considered being friends with him and visited him in his labs a few times. It was always very quiet down there and Bruce kept busy with things he didn’t need help with. Plus, at one point he said he needed to ‘meditate’ which he had to do alone. Winter was sent away disappointed and with warm water that didn’t taste good Bruce called ‘tea’.
Thor was loud and nice but he had a whole world to rule so he wasn’t ever at the Tower. That did not solve Winter’s problem.
Steve didn’t count.
Tony talked a lot and was always working on something. He was usually very nice and he never sent Winter away when he needed his arm fixed. When Winter woke up last time he’d gone to the kitchen for oatmeal and Tony had looked at him and said, “Oh, you’re back. Welcome home.” without Winter even saying anything. He had just known. Tony didn’t try to hurt any of them — not intentionally at least, some of the work on the arm hurt no matter what and Tony always said sorry. While he didn’t have any pets he did have the best robots in the lab who he thought counted. The Soldier was disgusted that Winter would think such a thing because it thought machines were not comparable to pets.
Tony Stark was the logical choice to become friends with.
He was also the most challenging. Winter didn’t understand a lot of things he said and neither did Steve who often looked confused at the nicknames and phrases he used. Steve’s confused face kind of looked like he’d smelled something foul and Winter thought it was funny. It was important to have things in common according to the information Winter had found but he felt that they were a special case.
Also, Winter wasn’t sure what skill sets he had.
A pretty mouth, he remembered being told. A tight ass, which Steve agreed with before he realized they were different but he and Bucky still fucked so really not much had changed except for allotment of guilt.
The Commander used to laugh in disbelief sometimes when Winter got confused and say Winter was ‘something else, I’ll tell you what’.
That last one didn’t make him feel like he was about to get sick. Tony Stark was probably ‘something else’ too. They were different from other people and that was a similarity.
“So what are you up to?” Steve sat slowly on the very edge of the couch cushion.
Winter was in the middle because he liked it there. He was allowed on the furniture, even his feet, so long as he wasn’t wearing his shoes. He tilted the tablet screen toward his chest and glanced at Steve. There was a familiar rush of excitement at his interest even though he told himself it was real. Steve wasn’t interested in Winter in the slightest; he didn’t listen when he talked and he didn’t tell Winter things in return. He would nod his head or make humming noises while glancing up from his phone or book or from the TV screen.
When he wanted him to stop talking he’d say “Wow, that’s really great Winter.” and stop responding.
So no, Steve didn’t really care what Winter was doing. Winter was curious why he cared.
“Reading.”
“That’s really great Winter.” He expected Steve to go away but instead he asked, “Anything good?”
The Soldier didn’t cry and Bucky only cried when he and Steve talked about the past and all their friends who had died or were dying. Winter wanted to cry because Steve didn’t make sense. Either he wanted to be friends or he didn’t. Like when he spent too much time with Clint: Steve would ask for him to spend time on their floor but he didn’t want to talk or do anything. Steve wanted Bucky all to himself and maybe that applied to Winter too.
“I don’t know.” Winter put down the tablet and wrapped his arms around his knees. “I don’t know.”
Again Steve seemed stricken as if it was hard to see why Winter would be upset. Winter wasn’t behaving properly and Commander Rumlow would be angry next time he went to the farmhouse. He had made Winter promise to be good since the motorcycle incident although Winter didn’t realize he had been bad until they told him. Winter was clever but sometimes he didn’t understand people. Agent Rollims said he didn’t understand people either and not to be too upset about it.
But Winter was upset about it and now he was disappointing everyone.
“I don’t understand.” Steve always sounded like he had been defeated. Like he’d gotten laid out on the mat despite Winter promising to let him win. “Remember what Sam said about communication?”
Sam had something to say about everything and Winter’s head was starting to hurt.
“I don’t know.”
It felt like a lie because Winter wasn’t even trying to remember but mostly he felt lousy now and wanted Steve to go back to not liking him. Then Steve asked, “Can I see?”
Winter didn’t mean to shake his head no but he did. His entire body was keyed up like a spring the moment he realized and Steve looked shocked. His jaw was a bit loose as he looked from Winter to the tablet.
“I’m sorry,” Winter breathed and he was choking back the sobs. “You can look. I didn’t mean to say no.”
“I don’t want to look if you don’t want me to.” Steve stood and took a step back from him. “I respect your privacy. I was just curious. You don’t need to be sorry or upset.”
It felt wrong. It felt like he was being punished but also like had been forgiven too easily. Winter was also a little hurt that Steve didn’t care much after all.
“I really am sorry Steve.” Winter’s voice was shaking as much as he was.
“You don’t have a reason to be sorry. I’m going to make lunch. Want to try a sandwich?”
Winter wanted a strawberry nutrient shake and oatmeal with cinnamon and apples in it. He had decided he wanted that after he had a vanilla nutrient shake and oatmeal with orange marmalade on top for breakfast. He did it all by himself because Sam said he was capable and he only made a mess one time when he forgot to put the top on the blender but he was good about it now that Clint had laminated a sign and stuck it on the cupboard.
But he didn’t want to risk upsetting Steve further so he nodded his head.
Steve looked pleased. “Great! Bucky loves corned beef and rye — you should too.”
Bucky had also liked coffee ice cream which was bitter and ice cream was supposed to sweet. Bucky liked it when Steve touched him in clinical areas and Winter really did not.
Sometimes Steve wanted them to be the same. When he heard Steve in the kitchen he went to his quarters and smoothed out the list. He took his pen and carefully added: 9. does not want me to be bucky or the soldier.
Steve gave him a plastic plate because Winter was clumsy sometimes. His fear of holding things too tightly and breaking them sometimes led a poor grip and things slipping out of his hands hands. Sometimes, not always, so Winter wasn’t sure it was fair that Steve gave him plastic things instead of the same eatery Bucky used. Winter knew Steve didn’t realize that Winter had all of Bucky’s memories and if he did, he wouldn’t lie so much.
The Soldier felt Steve was allowed to lie all he liked, that it wasn’t Winter’s job to doubt their handler and it was correct.
But… Sam Wilson was Steve’s friend and Bucky’s friend and he told them a lot of things too. “He’s not perfect,” Sam said with no fear of Steve overhearing and being punished for insubordination.
Winter has refuted this knowledge until Sam called Steve in. He had expected him to tell Steve that Winter had been good and hadn’t said anything bad it instead he asked Steve, “Do you make mistakes?”
“Absolutely. All the time.” Steve had replied and Winter was speechless while the Soldier began to doubt their handler.
Winter decided that the sandwich was a mistake the second he smelled it. The rye bread smelled sour and the corned beef was rare and Winter could smell the blood. He gagged and set the plate on the couch arm. Steve glanced at it and spoke around the bite in his mouth. “You gotta give it a try at least Winter.”
Steve had four sandwiches piled high with meat and cheese and thick cuts of bread. Winter’s serving seemed measly in comparison but he couldn’t bare the thought of it even as he obediently reached for the plate. “Go on,” Steve prodded. “You like it.”
“Bucky likes it.”
Steve suddenly refused to look at him as he muttered an agreement. Winter gagged again as he studied the sandwich and Steve took the plate from him and went to his quarters. The floor was quiet and lonely as he went back to his research.
The list said to use conversation starters.
Winter looked up examples. Can I borrow a pencil? He wasn’t sure the inventor even used pencils and what would he need one for anyway. Do you live nearby? They lived in the same building; Winter would sound dumb. Oh I love your bag. Where did you get it? Tony did not have a bag nor did he carry around accessories.
Winter researched until the tablet alerted him the battery waslow. He connected it to the charger in his and the Soldier’s room. The Soldier didn’t use it often at all, never called upon these days. Unless it was sparring which they did every three days when Winter was here. Winter also had a notebook where he logged things for Barnes’ return.
He flipped to the last page. Underneath where Bucky had scrawled an array of numbers without context and a smiley face, Winter wrote: sometimes I wish you could just stay here and I could go away forever.
He made a smiley face too, just Bucky had so it wouldn’t be so sad.
•• •• •• ••
Bucky and Steve had their own schedule and sometimes, shortly after Winter would wake up, he’d catch Steve at moments where he would forget. He would pour two cups of coffee and then frown down at them. Steve may not have been angry that Winter wasn’t Bucky but he was sad about it.
During week days he would drink his coffee and eat breakfast before he left to go on a run. On Fridays Sam returned with him and would sit down with Winter. Usually it was to run down a list of complaints that Steve had but didn’t know how to say but sometimes he asked about the Soldier or Bucky. Clint kept busy being a spy or spending time with the Widow, but when he wasn’t he gladly indulged Winter with his company.
They brought Lucky to the park and the roof to brush him. Winter even helped give him a bath once. Clint had stripped down to his underwear and an undershirt because Lucky splashed and for a second Winter had been afraid that his friend was not to be trusted. Clint hadn’t ordered Winter to undress or touched him all and Lucky did in fact splash.
Steve was upset when got the carpets wet coming up to change into dry clothing.
There wasn’t always Lucky related activities to do so they would play card games or watch TV. Winter found programs he really liked that talked about places in the world he thought he remembered and followed the lives of animals he’d never seen before. He tried to watch them on the communal floor but Steve told him that not everyone wanted to learn about the Alaskan wilderness.
Sometimes Winter wished he could go to Alaska. But that wouldn’t be fair for Bucky or the Soldier who was getting increasingly more antsy as it sat dormant and underutilized. He tried to represent it when he could, asking about missions it could do. Steve got a funny look and, like Sam, just told him that they should focus on getting better.
Winter realized that Steve wouldn’t think they were ever better unless Bucky was there. Clint disagreed and said to just give it time.
•• •• •• ••
When Steve went on missions that required the entire team, Winter (and sometimes the Soldier, should be around) went to see the Commander who kept demanding to be called Brock. Steve, who really didn’t care much about Winter always seemed anxious about it.
Winter had a second cellphone he wasn’t supposed to tell Jack or Brock about in case anything happened. Winter wasn’t sure what ‘anything’ entailed but he wasn’t going to end his time with his previous commander any sooner than necessary. It was a good time to learn more about socializing.
“Don’t lose that.”
Steve was upset Winter was bringing the tablet. Probably because the first two had accidentally gotten broken (the first time he held too tightly, the second wasn’t tight enough) and Tony made it special.
“I won’t.” Winter held his overnight bag tighter. He was always excited to see them but it also scared him a bit to leave Steve. What if Bucky came back and was sad?
“Please,” Steve muttered after a minute.
Winter cocked his head and Steve exhaled noisily. “I mean, it’s… I was trying to be more polite. Please don’t lose it.”
Winter nodded his head slowly after a minute. Polite. “I won’t.” He assured him again.
There was a pause and then Steve said, “Thank you.” in an unsure tone.
Winter hugged the bag tighter to his chest and wondered what projects awaited him. The blankets of white around the road. When it was cold and snowy there weren’t outside projects. No shingles to lay on the roof. Three tap was easier than architectural according to Jack but Brock said architectural looked betters (Jack said he only thought that because he wasn’t on the roof doing it himself). The holidays were coming but Winter was careful not to get too excited — Bucky could come back and Winter would wake up with no snow or tree.
It would be...disappointing.
Steve didn’t bring him inside anymore. He had the very first time with Iron Man and Sam Wilson there to intimidate the men who seemed openly agitated that Winter was there to begin with. The Soldier has been furious (and still was) that they were not being brought on the mission and instead boarded like Lucky.
Winter didn’t mind. He waited at the door, rocking his weight back on his heels as he watched Steve’s car vanish. Once it was out of sight, the door opened and Brock frowned at him.
“Get your shit put away.”
Winter left his boots and jacket in the entrance room and went upstairs to the room he always stayed in. It was his, Brock always reminded him. He didn’t live here. This wasn’t some goddamn custody arrangement.
But the rocks were still lining the window sill — Winter’s rocks that he found on the property and brought back inside and Jack said he could keep. Winter carefully unpacked his things and then relished the familiarity of the house. There was no Clint or Lucky but also no Steve and there was a Brock and in the evening, a Jack as well.
Winter took the tablet downstairs with him.
Jack worked on weekdays and Brock worked when he felt like it. Today, he felt like it. The table was cluttered with binders and a laptop. Brock was typing aggressively.
“Don’t hover.”
Winter stepped back from Brock’s shoulder and looked out the window above the sink. “Hail Hydra.”
The typing stopped abruptly and Brock turned around slowly to face him. “The fuck did you just say, Winter?”
“Hail Hydra,” Winter echoed with more exuberance because he recalled it being a phrase used with passion. “We were part of Hydra together.”
“But not anymore so don’t go around saying that. Good way to get us both locked up — God fuckin’ knows those bastards at SHIELD and SI have ears everywhere. Nice of you to bring Stark’s tech into my house, by the way.”
Winter frowned as Brock muttered angrily under his breath.
“I’m doing research.” Winter offered.
“I’m working right now, Win.” Brock said with a sigh. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Did you eat?”
Winter shrugged. “I’m not hungry. Can I go sit down in the other room?”
Sometimes Brock didn’t care where he went when he was at the house, other times he got alarmed when he was out of sight for too long. “Yeah, yeah go ahead.”
The couches here weren’t as nice as the ones at home, but he liked sitting on them more. He folded his legs beneath him and went back to the task at hand. He had to be ready.
•• •• •• ••
“What book are you reading?”
The communal kitchen area was relatively busy because the team was going to be doing a training simulator that Tony had designed. Even Thor was there, jubilant and excited. Winter wasn’t part of it but that was fine because he was going to keep Lucky company. He had eaten and didn’t have much of a reason for being on the floor especially because Steve and Sam were there and this wasn’t giving Steve ‘space’.
But Tony was also there so Winter felt it was justified. Tony Stark looked up at Winter, assessing him. Like he was checking for damages, almost.
“It’s a newspaper.” Tony finally said. “Not exactly a book but solid guess there Einstein.”
Humor. Tony Stark wasn’t mean so that made it a joke. “Where...did you get it?” It wasn’t a bag and but maybe it counted as an accessory.
Sam had been telling Steve about something at the VA hospital but he stopped. He was watching and probably Steve was too. Winter felt their eyes on him and wanted to wither up and hide but instead he ignored them.
Confidence was important. Winter could be a good friend and this was important.
“It’s delivered.” Tony was studying him again. “What book are you reading?”
Winter shook his head. “I’m not,” and then before he could spoil the progress he’d made with his new friend, hurried toward the elevator.