Chapter Text
“Would that be such a bad thing?” Michael asks.
“Yes!” Alex says.
Michael’s face falls and then shuts down. But the panic has already set in. He can hear the car getting closer and he looks around desperately as Michael shakes his head. He knows he’s disappointed him and he’ll deal with that, but right now he has to get out of there before anyone sees him.
“Guerin—“
“Forget it,” Michael snaps, pulling his jeans up.
“No!” Michael turns at his voice, “I can’t find—“ he looks around, he’s not going to fucking fall apart, “I can’t find my—“
“Your what?” Michael’s frustration is gone, or pushed back, replaced by concern that Alex doesn’t want to see on his face. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity. Least of all a man that his father maimed, “what can’t you find?”
He really is useless.
Alex feels something give viciously in his stomach. It’s completely pathetic that he’s sitting here trying not to sob because the lubricant for his sleeve is impossible to find in the tangle of blankets. These stupid little things keep setting him off. It’s a wonder that anyone wanted to be around him at all, broken as he is, and now he’s gone and shown the truth. Michael is going to be out that door in a second. Alex knows it’s a weakness, that he has to leave first. But at least then he doesn’t have to hear about how unlovable he is. How broken. How he can’t even fucking leave the bed now.
“There’s a lubricant,” he gets out.
“Okay,” Michael says, grabbing his jacket and handing it to him to look through. He looks through the bed. “I don’t see it,” he says, “what was in it? I might have something that works.”
“I don’t—“ he whips towards the door as the sound of the car stopping echoes.
“Hang on,” Michael says and opens the door just enough to get his head around, “now’s a bad time Iz!”
“God, Michael, gross. Is she almost dressed?”
“Uh uh, you gotta go. No walks of shame from the air stream—“
“Well she’s obviously walking away from an air stream so—“
“So she doesn’t need to see you leaning there with that expression. Off you go.”
The car starts and Alex buries his face in his hoodie. He’s not going to break down here. His problem is always that once he gets past a certain point it’s impossibly hard to stop. The door closes and he knows that Michael is watching him. He does his best to scrub his face. This is fine. He’ll take advantage of however long he has and it won’t be that bad. The lubricant just makes it more comfortable, it’s not a necessity. He doesn’t know why he forgot that.
Michael crouches in front of him.
“I’m fine.” He says, fumbling with the sleeve before Michael puts his hands on his leg, “it’ll be fine for a minute,” he says, “I have to get out of here before someone sees—“
“You’re gonna hurt yourself,” Michael protests.
“I don’t care,” Alex says, “let go,” Michael’s hands aren’t moving, “Guerin let go!”
“Not if you’re gonna hurt yourself!” Michael repeats, his voice rising to match his, “Alex stop!”
“No!”
He pushes Michael off of him and fumbles the sleeve up, shoving his leg in. He staggers to his feet. Shirt, he needs a shirt. The car is coming back any second and he needs a shirt before it gets here. In his haste he knocks something over and the bang of it hitting the ground makes him jump and smack a hand over his mouth. He’s seventeen again. He expects that bang to be followed by a scream, by his dad, by everything that happened the last time someone found him with Michael in a place like this.
“Alex, Alex!” Michael turns him around, both hands clapped onto his shoulders, “look at me, look at me, I’m right here. We’re fine, okay? We’re fine. We’re not doing anything wrong.” He shakes his head, “yes,” Michael says, “it’s Isobel. It’s my sister. That’s it.”
“I’m not ready,” he blurts out.
“Not ready for what?” Michael asks, concern and confusion on his face as he looks at him, “Alex—“
“I can’t even walk,” Alex gets out.
“But,” Michael’s brows draw together in confusion. He looks around the air stream and at the bed where they’ve been spending most of their time. Without any clothes on. Alex waits for the lightbulb moment. The disgust. “Have you done this—“
“Not since,” he says.
“What?” Michael stares at him, that look of confusion and offense coming onto his face. Michael is so smart, sometimes it taking a moment for him to understand is personally offensive to him, “why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to be normal,” Alex says.
Michael gives a snort of laughter but there’s a self deprecating edge to it that now has Alex being in confusion. He doesn’t know why normal is funny to Michael but at the moment he can’t puzzle that. He tries to focus on anything but the panic and he picks the thumbs Michael is rubbing against his elbows. Michael’s already been hurt. He’s already missing his leg. The damage is already done. Michael pulls him close and presses their foreheads together moments before the car pulls up. Alex pulls away and fumbles into his hoodie. His prosthetic might not be comfortable but he doesn’t feel like being naked now.
“Hang on,” Michael says and opens the door, “Iz—“
“No! Get rid of her this is important!” Isobel says, “don’t give me that look. There’s plenty of girls around here who don’t know what a full shirt is for you to be disgusting with.”
“I’m serious Iz this isn’t a good time!” Michael says, his voice taking on an angry, defensive tone.
“Are you embarrassed to have your big sister see who you brought home?” She asks.
“Iz!”
Alex keeps himself standing as the door bangs open and Isobel comes in. He tries not to feel naked even though he’s fully dressed as she finally sees him. Surprise goes over her features before, in an arguably impressive display, Michael hauls himself over the edge of the steps and puts himself in between Alex and Isobel. Alex fights the knot of panic and grips Michael’s elbow, pulling him back. Isobel watches the exchange silently. Thoughtfully. Then she focuses in on Michael.
“You brought a war hero back to your sex dungeon on wheels?” She demands, “how do you even fit on that bed?”
Alex realizes the second part was directed at him.
“Uh—“
“He’s not that much taller!” Michael says defensively, “the bed fits. Can you please go? And not tell anyone?” Alex frowns, “she can keep a secret, trust me, no one knows she ties Noah up.”
“Michael!”
“Everyone in this family has a sex dungeon. It’s an advantage of having someone who gets handcuffs for free. Please go.”
“At least mine has actual window shades!” Isobel throws over her shoulder, “it was nice to see you Alex,” she adds.
It’s a weird sensation. Alex finds he’s not comfortable with any of this. Not at all. Michael looks equally uncomfortable. But when he goes to move his hand, Alex grabs it. Michael grips his fingers back, turning to face him fully. He squeezes his hands and then frowns, letting go and moving over to the bed, ducking down. Alex frowns at the sight of something pink and shimmery from deep under the bed but Michael drops the blankets back and When he comes up, there’s a tube. He comes back over.
“You don’t have to go,” he says, “but I don’t want you hurting,” he tells him.
Alex grips his shoulder as he maneuvers over to the chair, rolling his pants up and easing the sleeve down and carefully applying the stuff around his limb. Michael watches with that same curiosity and Alex focuses on the task when he speaks.
“You got in front of me,” he says.
“Yeah—“
“You can’t do that if my dad finds out,” he tells him, looking up, “I’m serious, Guerin, I don’t want you being—“ he can’t say the words, “are you sure she’s not going to tell?”
Michael gives him a long, hard look. Alex tries to think if Isobel was a gossip in high school but he can’t remember. Or maybe he’s just too drained by everything. Michael shakes his head and turns. Alex knows Michael’s defensive about his siblings, especially Isobel. But he knows that all it will take is a rumor for his dad to start in. Who knows what he’ll do this time now that Alex wears the uniform. He’s expecting Michael to wizen up or something. What he isn’t expecting is for him to go back under the bed and come over with a piece of shimmering blue and pink glass. Alex recognizes it instantly from a display in the UFO Emporium. A trick he could never figure out. A thousand questions pile in his head and catch behind his teeth as Michael looks at him, something serious in his face. More serious that Alex has seen in a long time.
“Yeah,” he says, “I’m sure she’s not gonna tell.”