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Zim's special moods became a constant in their wobbly relationship.
And by 'moods' he means full-blown, not at all half-assed, history books worthy panic attacks. The body they needed to get rid of, belonging the person that was too close to Zim during one of his 'outside' attacks, is testimony enough for that.
Dib helped the alien go trough the painful experiences each and every time the stubborn shortie decided to finally get off his ass and visit for help. The attacks became worryingly long and bad, which made Dib wonder for the billionth time what had to happen to such a hardheaded person to have caused such vivid, painful panic attacks? Being lied to by his tallest couldn't do that much damage to Zim's head, right? And most of the time, the Irken looks like he's experiencing intense physical pain too. That was saying a lot, considering that he saw Zim getting beaten, stabbed and impaled like crazy and he still didn't show it had hurt him beyond a simple grunt or sound of surprise. And just when he thought the horrible moods couldn't get any worse, during the last few episodes he noticed subtle changes happening aswell.
For an example, Zim started to talk during the attacks, but not to Dib. Rather to something...else. The human often found Zim speaking in Irken, using terms that he doesn't understand despite them sounding like English, almost. Then there are those moments when Zim talks and there are some purely English words present. Those moments truly freak him out because he can actually understand what the alien is saying.
He often said things that sound emotionless and robotic as if something got control of his body and vocals. He would say calmly as ever some honestly creepy shit.
"humanity does not deserve your mercy"
"Self destruction cannot be bypassed"
"Emotional malfunction present, destroy at all cost"
"Just give up"
Dib hated that last line the most and it was the most repeated one out of all of them. That wording makes it sound like Zim is losing the will to fight, the will to keep going. Maybe even thinking about giving up entirely? But...that can't be right. Zim never gives up, it literally isn't in an Irken's nature to fail at anything.
(But that's why he's a defective, isn't he?)
...Yes, he's a defective. Dib always avoids that crucial fact because the term sounds so...racist. Just plain rude to even think about, but it is the truth.
It's probably the reason that, now that he thinks about all of Zim's episodes, he is the way he is. Zim would even swing or bite at Dib sometimes during some of the worse panic attacks (which he would never do outside of playful intentions), but the alien's body was mostly too tired to do too much damage. That's not the part that worries him. Dib is more hurt emotionally than physically during those moments, because he knows that Zim doesn't want to hurt him. Pain is usually appreciated as a distraction. Anything really- just so he doesn't feel so guilty for not being able to help Zim. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world to Dib. Worse than any pain Zim might inflict on him.
Dealing with those moments is hard, but they're laughable compared to the panic attack the alien is having now.
Dib had just woken up this morning to Zim's empty expression above him, his triple digit, gloved hands choking him. The pressure was just enough to cause discomfort and his head to fuzz up a bit. Zim's muscles were shaking- no- throbbing in sync with his PAK's constant beeping. This was undoubtedly PAK Zim.
The sight was enough to cause Dib's instincts to flare up, adrenaline pumping trough his veins and his limbs itching to lash out or run.
Before he could do either of those things though, Dib's foggy mind realized that Zim looked like he was struggling. Fighting against his own hands, against his own body.
The small scared and whiny whimpers escaping Zim's slightly parted, thin lips were suddenly noticable, although faintly so. Those became white noises in the background when Dib noticed pink tears welling up in the Irken's eyes. Zim never ever shed a tear since coming to Earth. Heck, Dib didn't even know that Zim could cry before now, period. The sight made Dib's skin crawl. It was so utterly wrong, looked downright unnatural on his boyfriend's face. Zim was supposed to be this strong, untouchable creature that went against his species' coding and brainwashing with a cocky smile and gritted teeth. Loving life despite the pain it brought him, loving Dib despite everything his PAK told him.
This. This was pure torture and it made even Zim succumb to it.
'What pure evil is doing this to him?!' Dib thought while struggling to gulp down the bile of disgust that rose from his stomach at the sheer thought of the amount of pain Zim is in right now and made himself help Zim like he's supposed to, rather than struggle for his life. That proved to he harder done than said.
"H-hey, bug boy" Zim's antennae twitched and some tears spilled down his cheeks without ever being followed by a sob or anything that would show that Zim is in control of the situation. He's somewhere in there, all scared and alone, fighting something that he can't beat with fists and weapons. Unable to use the only defenses he ever knew.
PAK Zim's fists clenched around Dib's throat. "Zim" The human gasped, reaching out to instinctively hold onto Zim's arms which were stopping his airflow. "Z-Zim snap out of it!"
When Zim's grip became gradually more and more deadly by each passing second filled with nothing but
panting, wheezes and throaty alien croaks, Dib tried to reach trough the alien a bit more desperately. "Zim- you-" Dib wheezed out, feeling his breath leave him. "Y-you wouldn't d-hh-o this-!" He choked on his own spit, trying so hard to find words as his vision got coated with white and dark dots. The lack of oxygen was making it real hard to think, so he said the only thing he is 100% certain in. "Y-you would n-never h-hhurht me-!"
Zim slowed, but didn't let up his shaky death grip.
"I l-love you" Dib tried, desperate now, his own tears starting to roll down his cheeks from all the hurt.
Zim stopped.
"Hhh...hhhha...." Zim's heavy panting grew louder as if he struggled to breathe, struggled to free himself. "Hhhf- hhhf- hhhhF!" Zim forced his clenched fingers to spread then jerked his arms back, the movement unnatural and violent as if they were part of a machine, not his own, foreign and dangerous. A danger to himself and the one he loves.
Still hurting and struggling for total control, Zim bit one hand and clenched the sheets with his remaining free fist to stop himself from doing any more damage. His sharp zipper-like teeth drew pink blood from his own silky green skin.
In the meantime Dib coughed violently and gasped for the breath he desperately lacked like a fish out of water. It took them both some time to come to their senses, Dib being the first to do so as per usual.
The young adult wanted to comfort the alien at the beginning of this, but now that he almost experienced death in the hands of his love, he found himself unable to move.
Flashes of Zim's hands that were so close to snapping his neck and crushing his wind pipe, so close to killing Dib for real, came crashing inside his head, snuffing all his other thoughts and senses.
In all of these years of them essentially trying to get rid of eachother, none of them had actually managed to mortally wound one another. So experiencing being so close to death, feeling the sensation of that primal selfish instinct of pure survival, made Dib double think about the trust he has in Zim never wanting to hurt him. Ofcourse, somewhere deep inside he knew that this isn't Zim's fault, that none of it is, but right now Dib is furious, hurt and felt utterly betrayed.
And hurt animals bite the hardest.
Dib smacked Zim across the face as hard as he can. Zim flinched out of sheer surprise but otherwise didn't budge.
"YOU ASSHOLE!" Dib yelled. Zim's head drew back as if he were a turtle and tried to speak. "Zim didn't mean to-"
"What Zim? What exactly didn't you mean to do?! Huh?! The whole 'I'm talking to myself' part? Or maybe the part where you almost choked me to death?!" Dib snapped and Zim recoiled. The guilt written on the alien's face was almost too much for Dib to handle.
Thankfully, it was enough to make him pause and take a deep breath. Fingers pinching the bridge of his nose that was glass-less, Dib took his time to calm the fuck down. He told himself that everything is fine because Zim snapped out of it and that he should keep it together for the both of them. Being the emotional support of this relationship is some tough shit.
"Y'know...fuck you Zim" Dib said matter-of-factly. Zim kept visely silent. "You don't even bother telling me WHY they happen, and then you expect me to know exactly how to help you? Bullshit"
Zim's guilt doubled and Dib didn't look any happier about it. "This is all utter bullshit" When the alien didn't bother to speak up, Dib grabbed Zim's left antennae, not bothering to be gentle, and pulled him close enough that Zim could feel Dib's breath on his face while he seethed. "You are going to tell me what the fuck is wrong with you. Now." Zim whined out, his fried nerves unable to handle any more pain. "I'm tired of this, tired of not being able to do anything to help you" Dib squeezed Zim's feeler harder when he attempted to inch away. "Tired of not being told anything"
Dib didn't plan on letting up until Zim provided a suitable answer but something he least expected to happen happened, that completely took him off-guard. He fully expected to be clawed, bitten or even impaled by one of Zim's spider leg extensions. Instead, Zim let out a heartwrenching sob that wrecked his entire frame and his carefully built walls completely fell apart literally inches away from Dib's shocked face.
Before he knew it, he's holding an extremely fragile Irken in his arms like he's going to fall apart without Dib holding him together, rubbing his back and shushing his pain away. He didn't mean to make the green boy cry, didn't mean to lash out like that either. It was pretty rare of him to lose his cool in such critical moments, but he was just so tired of Zim hurting, so tired of not being able to just enjoy life with his bug boy and smile without worrying what the next thing that sets Zim off the rails will be.
It took a long time for Zim to calm down, even longer for him to stop shaking like a leaf. Dib really fucked this up, didn't he? "Zim? You back?"
When Zim nodded, Dib let out a sigh of relief he didn't realize he was holding and carefully extracted himself from the iron hug he had on the alien. He then cupped Zim's cheeks and gently wiped under Zim's orbs to clean them from any remaining tears. The ex-invader's skin felt concerningly cold to the touch, even more than usual, which made him upset despite the silky texture feeling nice under his thumbs. "You're freezing"
"Zim doesn't have body heat" came the raspy reply. It made Dib's chest unvolunteraly tighten. "Oh, right" He still felt too cold for comfort.
The human stopped holding Zim's slightly damp cheeks and they both looked down, Zim fiddling his thumbs around nervously.
"I didn't want to-" Zim gulped. "-to hurt you" He raised his head, keeping eye contact as much as he can with those orbs for eyes to seem more genuine. "The PAK- something is...wrong with it"
Zim must've made a critical miscalculation somewhere, because he just unintentionally called himself out. The PAK is essentially all that makes it's host a perfect Irken.
"...well, can we fix it?" Dib asked, not sounding sure if that would be for the better. Zim shook his head, then paused and hesitantly nodded, "yes, Zim can get it re-coded" he doesn't sound sure in his words either. "But..."
"But?" Dib asked, already sensing the issue. "Only the tallest can approve a re-coding, if the PAK is fixable at all that is." Zim hugged himself, a vulnerable little gesture he still feels self-conscious about showing to Dib.
"So don't fix it" Dib said.
"..."
"Let's destroy it instead"
Zim's eyes opened so wide that it looked as if the giant orbs will pop straight out of their sockets. "Are you brain dead Dib-best?! All of the nutrients, hormones and metabolism functions Zim needs to survive are controlled by the PAK!"
"Well I don't see any other solutions!"
Dib yelled, running thin on his patience.
"Are you suggesting Zim commits self-destruction Earth-monkey?!"
"The fuck are we supposed to do then huh?! Wait 'till you loose your shit again? We can't let this continue Zim! You almost killed me!" His voice cracked at the end, making him sound close to hysteric for a second. Zim went silent at that, then curled up slightly to make himself instinctually smaller, as if he can avoid emotions physically.
"I don't know..." Zim put his face into his hands, digging his fingers into his skin. The sharp edges of his claws easily drew blood and left painful looking holes in their place. Dib tensed sympathetically but was relieved to see the Irken's skin regenerate the second Dib moved the assaulting claws away. He puts a comforting hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. This is not the time to be mad, Dib reasoned with himself.
He started making plans in his giant head already, "All I know is, we can't ignore this any longer. We'll figure something out" he forced a reassuring smile. "Together" Dib masked just how insecure he felt with a reassuring squeeze on Zim's shoulder that made the alien look up at him. He could almost feel the self-hatred radiating off of the smaller. "It's not like we didn't get out of worse situations before, right?" Dib offered, Zim took it like a beaten dog takes food out of a person's hand--- hesitant and with blatant distrust.
Zim truly is hiding something from him isn't he? Something bigger than just a PAK malfunction.
Just when Dib gathered enough courage to ask, Zim suddenly pulled him into a bone crushing hug, that turned into a tender-almost feathery embrace as if Zim was afraid he'd break Dib in his arms. The human was caught completely off-guard with that. Zim rarely ever showed affection like this. Yes, he lets Dib pet his head or carry him around, he even lets Dib keep him in his bedroom so they can sleep together, but this? Hugging? That's as rare as Mars being seenable without a telescope.
Dib melted in the embrace and he almost started purring when Zim began running his hand trough the bird nest Dib calls hair. The tender touches were probably Zim's way of saying 'Sorry, I really fucked up' and the human must admit that he likes this alien way of saying sorry more than actual words.
Just because of this rarity, Dib is willing to forget their problems for the moment.