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Dean comes back into his room and slowly sits down on his bed. He feels awful, no, horrible even. They had found the werewolf, but just as Dean had opened the door to the barn, he had killed the poor girl.
Dean squeezes his eyes shut.
“Great even more nightmares.” Dean mumbles and then wipes over his face. He had already showered, but he still feels dirty everywhere. The poor girl was still so young and he really had wanted to get the damn thing before he could hurt her.
The worst was when they had to come back and had to tell the parents about it. The mother had cried so badly and Dean still feels the lump in his throat. In nights like this he feels more lonely than ever, even though he is not really alone.
Just then it knocks on his door.
“It’s open.” Dean says loudly and then sighs. He isn’t really in the mood to talk about the hunt, he just wants to curl up in his bed. Maybe… be held. Dean shakes his head and sees that it’s Sam, who is coming in.
“Hey, I will head to bed now, you okay?” Sam asks and while he looks mostly just tired and exhausted, Dean can see that he is pretty worried as well. That would never stop. They both are always worried about each other.
“Yeah, sure.” Dean mumbles and he can see that Sam doesn’t really believe him. Well, he wouldn’t even believe himself, but that’s what John had taught him. Never show any weaknesses. That will make you an easy target.
While he should be able to be vulnerable around Sam, his brother, he always finds himself tongue tied. Not that Sam is doing any better himself, they are both pretty bad at it. But there was a time, when Dean was still a kid, where he had always cuddled with Sammy and told him about everything. Those times were simpler. Happier.
John made sure to destroy that, too.
“If you need me, I’m in my room.” Sam says, when Dean looks down at his hands, where the blood from the young girl was hours ago. He nods at his brother and hopes that Sam just leaves. When the door falls shut, Dean lays back on his bed.
He isn’t sure how long he is laying there like this, still fully clothed and feet still on the ground. Dean can’t stop thinking, so he gets up again so he can at least undress. He craves some kind of comfort, so he picks out some warm sweatpants with a dark shirt.
This time he even lays under his covers and already feels a bit better. He turns to his right side and looks at the pictures on his nightstand. There is one with his mother and little Sammy, it’s Dean’s favorite. Then one that just shows him and Sam from a few years ago and another one with his whole family. Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and also Castiel.
Dean smiles a bit and looks at the last picture. This one shows him and Castiel in their cowboy outfits. Dean chuckles, already feeling a bit better.
Just before Dean closes his eyes, he sits up a bit again and leans over the edge of the bed to open the bottom drawer of his nightstand. There is a huge box in it and Dean opens it, his fingers shaking.
There are even more pictures in his box, the necklace Sam bought him when they were kids, a ring his mother always wore, and… a soft Lion plushie. It’s not a really big one, but it’s clearly old. One of the button eyes is already missing, but Dean takes him out anyway.
He feels himself blushing, when he puts the Lion into bed with him. He closes his eyes, one hand curled around the lion and sighs. Still as soft and comforting as he was the first time he had gotten him.
Dean is still ashamed, but nuzzles his face into it anyway.
*
“What is that?” John asks, when they are in the mall. Dean is next to the cart and holds up a stuffed lion, that is as big as his head. He had seen the lion a lot over the last days and today he finally tried to be brave and ask his father for it.
“A l-lion.” Dean says and wiggles it a bit in his hands. John rolls his eyes and just pushes the cart forward, where Sammy is running around, trying to get some package of cookies.
“Obviously, but what do you want with it? Dean you are almost six now, don’t you think you are a bit old for toys?” John says and he sounds more exhausted than angry. Dean swallows and stops walking besides his father. He looks sadly down at his lion.
“But Daddy maybe…” Dean starts, but John doesn’t even turn around. He justs picks up Sam and puts his son back into the cart. Sammy whines, until John gives him the package of cookies as well and Sam happily rips them open, which makes John groan.
“Dean I said no and maybe stop calling me that, too. You aren’t a baby like Sammy.” John says and Dean tries to swallow down his tears. He nods, but John doesn’t even look at him, already walking down the next aisle.
Dean stands there for a few minutes, just holding the soft lion. Normally he doesn’t want any toys, he knows Sam is still small and needs some, but this time he wants to be selfish. Wants to have his own plushie to sleep with. Sam always gets pretty annoyed when Dean steals his bear.
“Hey little man, can I help you?”
Dean looks up to a nice looking man. He has dark hair and pretty blue eyes. Dean feels himself blush, because here he is tearing up over a stuffed animal. The man kneels down to him and smiles.
“Is that your lion?” He asks and Dean shakes his head.
“N-no. I don’t have money and Dad says I’m too old anyway. D-do you want him?” Dean holds the lion up, because maybe the nice man has a kid, who would be very happy with a lion. Dean at least would be happy with it.
“No, but how about I get him for you?” The man says and Dean’s eyes widen. Maybe this is a trick and this is actually a demon, who will steal Dean away. The man seems to realise, how afraid Dean is and just holds up a bit of money.
“For me?” Dean whispers and takes the bucks, even though he knows that is bad. He is not supposed to spend money on useless stuff, but the stranger said he could take it. Dean’s lower lip trembles.
“Sure bud. Every man should have a best friend who will protect him.” The man says and he ruffles Dean’s hair before he gets up again and already turns away. Dean is speechless, since the lion is actually five whole bucks and the man just gave him that.
“Wait!” Dean says loudly and when the stranger turns to him, Dean hugs his leg as hard as he can. This time he does cry a bit, but he hides his tears well and doesn’t make a single sound. The man ruffles his hair again.
“Thank you. I will call him Leo.” Dean whispers and then rubs over his eyes. The man smiles at him once more, before he walks away. Dean can’t believe something like this actually happened, but the bucks in his hands feel very real.
“That is a wonderful name.” The stranger says and rounds the next corner. Dean stands there for a moment and just watches him.
Dean makes sure his father doesn’t seem him, while he pays for the lion. He even asks for a small bag and puts his lion in there. He smiles so widely, when he looks into the bag and the big button eyes stare back at him.
“It’s okay Leo. I will protect you from Daddy.” Dean whispers as if it is a secret and then he closes the bag. He waits outside the store and pushed the bag under his jacket, that is a bit too big anyway.
John gets out of the shop just a few minutes later, looking more stressed about his groceries, than Dean being missing. Dean just toddles behind him, listening to John talking to Sam. Seems like he didn’t even realize, that Dean was gone.
For the first time, Dean doesn’t really care about that though. He just puts the bag to his feet in the Impala. Peeking into the bag every few minutes.
He would take good care of his lion.
*
Dean feels a bit better the next morning, but he forgets all about his lion. Dean doesn’t even remember getting him out of the box. Instead he just gets up and meets his brother and Castiel for breakfast.
“So get this, I found another case, similar to the one from yesterday. It’s only two towns away.” Sam explains during his slurping around his smoothie. Dean doesn’t feel like hunting today, but knows it’s their job anyway.
“Let me just get ready. Meet you outside in 30 minutes.” Dean says after he finishes his second plate of bacon. Castiel frowns at him, but when Dean looks back, Castiel just gets up and leaves the table. Sam raises his eyebrows and Dean shrugs. Sometimes the angel is weird.
Dean washes his and Sammy’s plate, before he walks back to his room. His stomach clenches at the thought of another hunt so soon. Lately he feels way too tired for their job, but he knows nobody else would do it.
And hell, he doesn’t even want to think about what his father would say, if he could read Dean’s thought. Then again, John would probably find a lot of other things he would hate about Dean.
Just when Dean walks into his room, he sees that Castiel is already waiting there for him. The angel is standing in the middle of the room, arms behind is back and he scowls a bit at Dean, who rolls his eyes.
“How can I help you Cas?” Dean says, while he opens his drawers to search for a few clean clothes for their hunt. Sure the angel doesn’t have problems like this, he just wears what he always does.
“I feel like you should take a break. The hunt yesterday was pretty bad and you could call a few hunters, to cover this one.” Castiel says and even the angel sounds a bit tired, Dean stops and turns back to him.
“You know I can’t do that.” Dean says and Castiel shakes his head. Dean already feels annoyed by this conversation and he feels a headache coming up.
“Of course you can, Dean. I see how exhausted you are, I know that you need a few days to recover and I don’t even mean the wound you have on your left thigh that you are trying to hide.” Castiel says and Dean blushes under the angel’s gaze. Dang, he had thought that nobody would find out that the werewolf got him.
“But, it’s my job to save people.” Dean says and he has to look down when he sees the sympathy in Castiel’s eyes. Even though Dean is actually aware of his feelings for the angel, he would never act on them, but when Castiel looks at him like that, he feels tempted.
“And it’s my job to look after you. A job that I adore.” Castiel says, sounding so honest and even a bit vulnerable. Dean shrugs awkwardly, since he doesn’t really know what to answer to that. Castiel smiles and Dean nods.
“Maybe we… can call somebody.” Dean whispers and Castiel’s smile only grows a bit wider. Dean yawns behind his hand and nods to himself. Maybe he could go back to sleep and try to forget about all of this.
“My father…” Dean starts anyway, and even though John is dead for over ten years by now, his ghost still haunts Dean’s thoughts. More than any monster ever could. Castiel huffs annoyed.
“Your father was a lot, Dean, but mostly a huge assbut.” Castiel says and Dean snorts at that. Castiel had never met John, but apparently he still has a very bad opinion about him. Dean knows that he is right, but he, of course, tries to meet John’s expectations, even though he knows he will never reach them.
“It’s okay to rest Dean. Get comfortable and just take care of yourself first.” Castiel says, Dean actually listens for once and sits down on the bed. Castiel looks so proud of himself, while he texts Sam, that they all need a break.
Dean gets back under his blanket and closes his eyes, his headache getting worse and he is glad that he doesn’t have to leave the bunker today. Castiel’s phone beeps and then the bed dips besides Dean.
“Sleep well.” Castiel whispers and presses something in Dean’s arms. It’s soft and warm and Dean opens his eyes again.
“What the fuck!” Dean says loudly, when he sees that it’s his lion that he forgot this morning. Dean’s whole face is on fire, as he throws the lion out of his arms to the ground. He winces inwardly.
“Dean?” Castiel asks, a bit afraid at Dean’s tantrum.
“Put that away.” Dean says angrily, but Castiel doesn’t seem to understand what Dean is talking about. He even picks the lion up again.
“But isn’t he yours?” Castiel asks, still very confused and he even tilts his head. Dean is sure that he was never more ashamed in his whole life. There is a freaking angel and also the man he has feelings for, holding his stuffed animal in his arms.
Dean does what he has to.
“I’m not a baby, I don’t need this!” Dean says angrily and turns away from Castiel, facing the wall instead. Castiel sighs loudly and then it’s too quiet in the room. When Dean looks back he sees that Castiel and his lion are gone.
Dean doesn’t know what’s worse.
*
Castiel is gone for two weeks and Dean is sure that he is going crazy at this point. Sam isn’t even looking for new hunts, since he seems to sense how stressed out Dean is feeling. Or maybe he knows, because Dean snaps at him a lot.
It’s just that Dean feels really bad. He didn’t want to hurt Castiel, and while he isn’t sure how exactly he hurt the angel, he knows that he had done it. Dean tried to pray at lot in the last days and now he is totally not pouting in their kitchen.
“Okay enough of that. You and me, we will go out.” Sam says, when he enters the kitchen. Dean huffs, but since he doesn’t want to mope around another day in his bunker, he agrees.
Even though Dean is the one who drives, Sam gives him the directions. Dean expects a nice burger joint or anything, but he doesn’t expect this. A freaking county fair. Dean stops, while Sam walks through the entrance.
“What?” Sam asks and Dean shakes his head.
“Dude this is for kids.” Dean says and he crosses his arms. He can already smell the good food there and hear people laughing from the rides and of course he wants to visit this, but… he doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t deserve this.
“Who told you that?” Sam asks and Dean rolls his eyes. As if his brother doesn’t know what he is talking about. Dean feels already bad enough about his plushie, he doesn’t need another reminder what he wasn’t allowed to have as a kid.
“Can we leave now?” Dean mumbles and wants to go back to Baby. Sam shakes his head and then holds his hands out.
“Yeah, I will leave, but you will stay here and for fuck’s sake, enjoy yourself.” Sam says and he grabs the keys out of Dean’s hand, who is even more confused now. Surely Sam wouldn’t really leave him here alone?
Baby’s loud engine tells him otherwise, because Sam is actually driving away. What the fuck?
“Dean?”
Dean looks back to the entrance and yeah that wasn’t just his wishful thinking. Castiel is really standing there, looking still a bit mad, but there is also a tiny smile on his face. This time Dean steps through the entrance without thinking.
“What are you doing here?” Dean asks softly, but Castiel just shakes his head and hushes him. He holds his hand out and Dean knows what he has to do, so he takes Castiel’s hand in his and promptly blushes.
He is holding Castiel’s hand.
Dean knows that this is his chance. He wants to show Castiel that he can be the man Castiel always sees in him. So he just tries to relax and even though some people are looking weird at them, Dean never lets go of Castiel’s hand.
“It’s okay, Dean.” Castiel whispers, when he feels Dean tense a bit. Dean nods at him and then presses a shy kiss to Castiel’s cheek. Castiel is grinning after that and Dean feels so much better himself too.
They spend their fare share of time around the fair and Dean has to admit he has a lot of fun and even the food is great. He actually shares his candyfloss with Castiel and he quietly wishes he had done this way sooner. They even do some rides that are only for kids. Dean loves it.
“This is really awesome, Cas. Thank you.” Dean says happily and this time Castiel shuts him up with a real kiss. Dean is a bit surprised, but kisses back without thinking about it. He really likes Castiel and his father wouldn’t destroy that.
No he would stand up for himself now. With Castiel’s help.
“Finally.” Castiel whispers after they break the kiss and Dean nods. He is blushing again, but that doesn’t matter, because he finally kissed Castiel. He even licks over his lips again, just to taste Castiel again.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to understand.” Dean says and Castiel nods, he looks understanding and Dean kisses him again. Just a very short kiss and he can hear some teenagers laughing, but he doesn’t care.
“I just want you to know you can be vulnerable sometimes. Your feelings are important and you are always allowed to show them around me.” Castiel says and Dean thinks he can finally admit that Castiel is right.
“I just… feel weak.” Dean whispers but Castiel shakes his head.
“You aren’t weak, Dean. You never were.” Castiel says and Dean doesn’t know what to say. He knows that Castiel would never lie to him. Just as Dean glances up again, he can see a booth where you can win stuffed animals and points at it.
“You want a game?” Dean grins and even though his stomach clenches again, he could do this. Castiel said it’s okay. Only this time Castiel shakes his head, Dean’s heart falls in his stomach.
“I think you already have the perfect one.” Castiel says and out of nowhere he pulls Dean’s lion out of his coat. Dean makes a very embarrassing noise, but takes him anyway when Castiel holds him out.
“Leo.” Dean whispers and Castiel grins.
“That is a wonderful name.” Castiel says and Dean gasps. He remembers now why the stranger looked so familiar. It was… Cas.
“You gave him to me?” Dean says and Castiel nods. He actually seems a bit ashamed, but Dean just hugs him even more. He doesn’t understand how he could’ve never thought of that, but now he clearly sees Castiel giving it to him.
“As your mother said Dean, angels always watched over you and… if you want I will forever do that.” Castiel whispers and Dean tries to blink his tears away, as he nods. He takes Castiel’s hand again and just leans against him.
For the first time ever he feels free.
*
“Where is Dean?” Sam asks days later, when they are spending a lazy sunday in the bunker. Just yesterday they had found a new married couple ripped apart by some vampires and Dean hadn’t taken it very well.
“Resting.” Castiel answers and when Sam rounds the couch he has to smile. He is glad Dean is being a lot more open with his feelings, after he and Cas went out on their first date. Even around Sam, Dean doesn’t pretend to be strong, if he isn’t feeling it.
Dean is laying with his head in Castiel’s lap, fast asleep and a stuffed lion in his hands. His cheek is pressed against the animal and Sam chuckles. He had seen Dean a lot with it as a kid, but only when John wasn’t there.
Castiel carefully strokes Dean’s hair and Dean quietly says something in his sleep that nobody understands. Sam has seen Dean sleeping a lot of times in his life. Mostly he sleeps restless, worried or even screaming from nightmares.
Right now?
He just looks happy and loved. As it should be.