Chapter Text
Chan has curled himself up on the couch in the living room to work on lyrics. He had stared at the computer screen for close to half an hour before giving up. The dorm is quiet, just a low hum of conversation coming from one of the rooms.
He has a blanket around his shoulder, the notebook perched precariously on his knees that are curled up against his chest. He wants to feel small, feel engulfed, and it’s helping somewhat.
Except, the words does not want to come, either.
Chan sighs again, letting his head fall back against the back of the couch, the pen slipping from his fingers. He lets out another sigh, realising that the pen is most likely lost to the couch monster now.
“No, it’s true!” someone protests loudly, coming in through the front door.
Chan opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling for a few seconds before lifting his head to see who it is.
Jisung and Hyunjin are coming into the living room, seeming to be arguing about something.
“Well, I don’t believe you,” Hyunjin huffs, throwing himself down on the couch.
“But I did,” Jisung protests, again, loudly.
Chan sighs, again , closes his eyes and wills the quiet to come back.
“What are you arguing about?”
“We’re not arguing!” Jisung defends, but Hyunjin says, “Nothing,” so Chan is inclined to not believe him.
“C’mon, spit it out.” Chan just wants the relaxing atmosphere to return, and it won’t as long as the two of them are arguing.
“Jisung-ah is trying to make me believe that he had two girlfriends in Malaysia before coming back here.”
“It was three, and not at the same time!”
Great , Chan thinks. Dating . He’d been foolish enough to think that with the dating ban in their contracts that wouldn’t be something he’d have to deal with.
“Do you really have to argue about that?” It’s a stupid question, really, but he can’t help but want to know.
“But he won’t believe me!” Jisung whines, throwing himself down on the couch, too, landing almost on top of Chan. “I really did have three girldfriends.”
“That’s not really much of an achievement, though.”
“You’re the one who said two!”
Since when is having a girlfriend an achievement? Chan can’t help but wonder. He’d rather not be a part of this.
“You said you were experienced and knew how to ask someone out!” Hyunjin shoots back. “Like you could help me with noona.”
“‘ Noona’ ?” Chan startles upright. “You know we can’t date! Also, having a girlfriend shouldn’t be an achievement .”
“There’s just this really cute trainee noona,” Hyunjin says.
“Have you even talked to her?” Chan asks, closing his eyes again.
“Of course he hasn’t.” Jisung answers for Hyunjin. “That’s where I come in with my expertise.”
“ God, straight people ,” Chan mutters under his breath in English. He’s not sure if he means the two of them, or society in general. Like, Straight People™. Probably the second option. Most likely that.
“She looks sort of like Sunmi-sunbaenim and Momo-sunbaenim.”
“So that’s why you’re interested in her? Not because of her personality?” This is starting to feel like every badly set up straight romance in like any kind of movie.
“Well, I don’t know her personality.”
Yup, there it is. “You can make friends with her, but you can’t date, okay?”
“But, hyung,” Hyunjin starts protesting, but it turns into a whine when Jisung attacks him.
“ I don’t understand why people have to constantly thirst after people they don’t know ,” Chan mumbles in English, not meaning anyone to hear it.
Of course, that’s why Felix comes into the room that very moment. “ Oo, thirsting, what are we talking about ?”
“ That’s not what I said .” Chan lets his head fall back again, giving up any kind of control over the situation at this point.
“You did say thirst though,” Felix press on, squeezing himself down on the couch between Chan and Jisung — in the space that practically doesn’t exist.
“I did also say I don’t understand why people constantly do it after people they don’t know. That’s just ridiculous, and also disrespectful.”
“It’s not, how do you think people start dating each other, Chan-hyung?”
“By getting to know each other!” He throws his hands out in exasperation, accidentally hitting one of the menaces.
“What kind of world do you live in, hyung?” Jisung laughs. “You get to know each other by dating.”
“Well, either way,” Chan says, locking eyes with Hyunjin, “we can’t date, so get to know her without dating.”
“You’re no fun, hyung,” Hyunjin whines.
A silence settles over them, letting Chan breath out. Finally. He tries to go back to writing lyrics, but the three boys are still there, practically on top of him, and the pen is still gone. He finds himself just staring at what he’s written so far instead. Until—
“Hyung, is that like … a gay thing?” The question comes from Hyunjin.
Chan sighs again, a deep one. “No, it’s a ‘why has society decided that you need a romantic relationship to be happy in life’ thing.”
“Why would you not want a relationship? It’s the best!” Hyunjin sounds genuinely upset. Great, this is the exact thing Chan didn’t want to have to deal with.
“I didn’t say I don’t want a relationship,” Chan starts explaining. “I just don’t want it with some random person I don’t know, and I don’t think it’s necessary to have one to be happy. That’s just unhealthy — you should be able to be happy regardless of if you have a partner or not. There are more than just romantic relationships in life. Like, does friends not mean anything?”
“Oh, wait!” Felix says, sitting up straight. “ Like asexuality, right ?”
Well, at least he’s on the right track.
“ Kinda, I guess ,” Chan answers. “ Except I’m demi .”
“What’s that?” Hyunjin asks, looking genuinely curious.
But how does Chan explain it in Korean, when he had barely even been able to find a word for it in Korean?
“It’s ‘demisexual’ in Korean, I think,” he says, hesitantly. “I don’t really feel attraction towards someone without getting to know them first. Sure, in the future I’d like a relationship with someone, but I can’t exactly just picture myself in one. It’s not important right now. I have my family and my friends.”
The silence that settles feel uncomfortable, at least to Chan. He tightens the blanket around his shoulders, burrowing into its warmth. The comfort it brought before is gone, left is only a cold, empty feeling, making him frown.
The silence stretches on, none of the boys looking at him, instead looking at each other or anything of interest in the room. It makes something coil deep in Chan’s gut.
“I need to get some work done, and I lost my pen,” he says and stands up. “I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Hyung—” someone calls after him, from the sound of it Felix. He doesn’t stop to see what he has to say, instead goes to his room. Admittedly one that is also Hyunjin’s room, but the boy in question doesn’t follow him.
He works for a while, actually managing to get some lyrics written before moving to his computer. That too is somewhat productive work, if yet slow. It’s probably been a few hours by the time the door opens.
“Hyung.” The word is hesitant, but it’s neither of who Chan had guessed would come seek him out.
“Jisung-ah said you holed yourself up in here,” Minho says, settling down next to Chan by the desk.
Chan just hums in answer. Whatever Minho’s after, he’ll get to it eventually.
“He also said you just abruptly left them in the living room.” Chan hasn’t looked at Minho, but he can feel his gaze on him.
“Had to work,” Chan replies.
“They asked me to talk to you.”
He’s not really surprised. If it is Jisung, he’d most likely ask Minho to talk to Chan. Not because Minho has a deeper connection to Chan or is better at talking to him or anything like that, but just because Jisung is Jisung so he usually asks Minho to do things.
“Mhm.” Chan hasn’t taken his eyes off the computer screen, dreading what he’ll find if he looks at Minho. What, exactly, he’s dreading he can’t really tell. It could just be Minho looking troubled, making Chan want to explain everything that’s on his mind.
On second thought, maybe there is a reason Jisung asked Minho in particular to talk to Chan.
“They were being a bit confusing, the three of them,” Minho explains, “but they didn’t understand why you just left.”
“They weren’t saying anything, and I had to work.” There’s a defiant tone in his voice, one he knows Minho is picking up on.
“They didn’t know what to say, and thought you had more to explain.” Minho paus slightly before continuing. “They didn’t mean to upset you, they’re just a little confused.”
Deep down, Chan knows that. Really, maybe not even particularly deep down. They’re all good boys, wouldn’t want to intentionally hurt Chan.
“They weren’t saying anything, though,” Chan says, letting his hands slump down onto his lap.
“Hyung, it’s okay.” Minho carefully puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder, squeezing lightly.
“I know.” Chan can only whisper, for some reason. He knows the words are true, but for some reason it still feels really good to hear them.
“Felix-ah said that he’d look up explanations in English to help you tell them, if you want him to. They just want to understand.” The pause that follows feels heavy with something unsaid. Minho moves his hand to lay his whole arm around Chan’s shoulder. “The … climate of the Korean society makes it hard for that thing, you know? It’s all just you need to find someone to marry to have children. There's not really much room for anything else.”
“I know,” Chan repeats. He feels bad that anyone has to grow up in that environment, that they have to constantly feel that pressure.
“It’s just new to them.”
“Not to you?” Chan can’t help but ask.
“I guess,” Minho begins, “it’s not as new. I don’t think I’ve heard that exact word before, but I know about asexuality. It’s part of the community, you know?”
Chan thinks he knows, but he doesn't want to go assuming things. “Probably. Do you want to still tell me?”
Minho let out a little chuckle, one that makes a smile tug at Chan’s lips.
“Well, I know I like guys. More than that… Labels are so restricting sometimes, don’t you agree?”
Chan nods. “Yeah. I like demisexual, because I really feel it fits me, and it’s nice to have something tangible to think of it as. But that doesn’t say anything about what gender I like.”
“Sometimes you just gotta let yourself exist, outside any box.”
Chan hums, knocking his head gently against Minho’s when he lays his head on Chan’s shoulder. He likes that. It’s a good thing to live by.
“You’re so tense, hyung,” Minho says, once again moving his arm, this time to squeeze Chan’s neck. “You need a massage.”
“Are you offering?” Chan finds himself asking.
“Go lay down on my bed,” Minho says in lieu of answering, and leaves the room.
Chan does as told, laying face down on the bottom bunk. A massage does sound pretty good.
The door opens again a few moments later, but the voice saying, “Hey, hyung,” isn’t Minho’s.
“I heard someone ordered a massage,” Felix says, settling down on the bed beside Chan’s hip.
Well, that does make sense. Felix is the one that’s really good at giving a massage, and Chan guesses that he ought to talk to him, and Jisung and Hyunjin as well.
“Sorry for just walking away,” he settles for saying as Felix starts kneading his shoulders. “You just weren’t saying anything, and I had to get away, you know?”
“I’m sorry for that.” Felix finds a particularly sore spot, making Chan whine slightly. Felix chuckles and attacks the spot a little more gently. “I guess we just didn’t know what to say, and sort of expected a little more of an explanation.”
Chan winces again, but this time at the words. “It’s hard to talk about for me. It feels so awkward to explain what demi means, because I have to talk about not really wanting to have … you know. I don’t even think about that, so how am I supposed to talk about it?”
“It’s okay, hyung,” Felix murmurs, squeezing Chan’s shoulders lightly, as if in comfort.
“I know it is,” Chan hurries to say, “I just usually doesn’t think about it, you know? Just like… straight people don't constantly think about being straight. Or at least I assume they don’t. It’s just an integral part of who you are.”
“Does that mean you’re not straight?”
Chan feels himself tense under Felix’s hands before forcing himself to relax. “Huh?”
“You said ‘straight people’ and ‘they’,” Felix explains, “as if you’re not straight. Like, I understand that you can be demi and straight, but it doesn’t seem like you are?”
Chan realises at that point that the conversation has spiraled out of his control, but it might also not be such a bad thing. Felix is being so calm about it. “Yeah,” he murmurs into the pillow.
It hits him then that it’s the second time this day that he’s said that, and that four more people know about him being demi now. He’s only said it a very few times before, but … he knows that he can trust the members. That it wouldn’t be all bad if they were to know. Know about all of it.
“I think maybe I should tell the others, too.” He’s almost surprised at the words, even though it’s him saying them. “I already told Minho-ya, about not being straight.”
“Jisung-ah told him what you said about being demi.”
“Yeah, I figured as much,” Chan sighs, “but he shouldn’t have. It’s not his place to decide who knows if I don’t say he can tell people. But I’m not mad at him.”
“You should tell him, later,” Felix says, massaging down Chan’s spine. “I don’t think he meant to do it, he was just worried about you.”
“You worry too much, all of you.” His muscles are starting to relax, melting down into the mattress.
“It’s because you make us worry. You care so much for us that you forget yourself sometimes. That’s why you’re so tense.” He emphasises his words by squeezing down on Chan’s shoulders again, that have loosened up, but are admittedly still pretty tense.
“Maybe you can tell them at dinner, get at least one thing off your shoulders. They could do with losing some pressure.”
That’s … “I don’t think I can tell all of them at once, though,” Chan frowns. “That feels too awkward. Just offhandedly saying it at dinner… I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to!” Felix hurries to say. “It was just an idea.”
“I know, it’s alright.” He’s starting to feel a little tired. He didn’t sleep very well last night, and laying down in bed while getting a massage isn’t helping.
Felix notices, too. “Get some sleep, hyung. We’ll wake you up for dinner.”