Archive of Our Own

The dreams don't happen right away.

Not until months after Katsuki's death.

Not until Eijiro is for lack of a better term more "stable."

Not until his friends finally convince him to put down the bottle.

"Kiri, this..." Mina loosely waves her hands in the air, before coming back to point at him, "all of this needs to stop."

He grunts at her in response. His hangover making it impossible to speak without cracking his skull open.

Her hand rubs his arm, gently, soothing.

They're sitting in their-no, his kitchen table. Katsuki isn't here anymore. Everything belongs to just him now, alone.

The thought has his hands itching to wrap around the bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter.

"No one blames you honey, we don't." She pauses, her eyes darting around his mess of an apartment. "But, you can't keep living like this. Plus, what would Bakugo say?"

Bakugo wouldn't say anything because Bakugo is dead.

He grimaces.

What would Bakugo say?

He would no doubt be yelling at him for letting the apartment get so disgusting for sure. Bakugo was a neat freak if he ever met one and he would be absolutely livid.

God, what would he give to just have him yell at him one more time.

He doesn't realize he's crying until Mina is there, wrapping her arms around him. With his head against her shoulder, he can hear his own choked sob escaping his throat. She's rubbing his back in small gentle circles, trying to calm him. And even though she is being so kind and so sweet, all he wants is a different set of arms holding him.

If he squeezes his eyes shut, he can almost pretend it's Bakugo.

Almost.


"Let it out Kiri, just let it out. It's gonna be okay," Mina says, her own voice cracking.

It isn't much longer before they're both crying in each other's arms in his too messy kitchen. When they finally pull away, he feels exhausted, more so than usual. His hangover isn't helping either. He wipes at his face, clearing away the ever present tears as Mina does the same.

Suddenly she stands, looking determined.

"Get up, Kiri. C'mon," she is pulling him to his feet not letting him stay sitting. He glares at her, but she glares right on back. "Go ahead and be mad. I'm not doing this shit with you anymore, got that?"

She sounds like Bakugo.


"You are going to take a shower. You are going to get dressed. And when you are done, you are living again. Do you hear me Kiri? You are going to fucking live. I am not losing both of you assholes. Now go take a shower before I drag you in there myself."

He wants to tell her it's pointless. He wants to tell her that he's as dead as Katsuki. That he died right alongside him when they put his body in the ground.

But she is looking at him so fiercely, so lovingly that his words catch in his throat.

With a sigh, he gets up and turns away from her to go take a shower.


~~~


As Kirishima stands in the shower he looks around objectively. It really was gross. There's soap build up, scattered empty bottles of shampoo on the stone floor and globs of his hair sticking to the drain.

If he could see it, Katsuki would probably puke.


He could imagine his outraged and disgusted face. The one that said "if I didn't love you so much I would beat you to death."

He sighs, longingly. The pain of missing his other half is relentless. Kirishima lets the water hit his face, wishing he could drown.


Once he's out of the shower, he can hear voices coming from the living room. He dresses quickly, putting on clothes he's pretty sure might be clean and then goes to see who is over.


Chatting animatedly with Mina are Sero and Denki. They're both holding cleaning supplies and his heart drops.

"You guys can't," he blurts out as he walks over to them quickly.


"'Sup bro, good morning to you too." Denki says, rolling his eyes. Leave it to him to not be able to read the freaking room.

Mina is there at his side, holding him back from reaching out to rip the supplies from out of their hands.

"Kiri," she says in a voice she probably thinks is soothing but makes him want to scream all the same, "let us help you."

"No."

"Kiri, stop."

"You can't."

He's begging her.


Sero is there, clapping a hand to her shoulder.

"We won't get rid of anything you don't want us to."

He feels like he can't breathe. They want to clean his no, their place. They want to get rid of all the traces of his boyfriend he knows it.


What happens to him when they wash the mug Katsuki used last? The one on the counter next to an open crossword puzzle he never finished.

What happens when they throw away the paper he last scribbled on, jotting down the time for an eye appointment.

What happens when they move his jacket from off the hook next to his?

When they tuck his boots by the front door away into an unused space in the closet.

What happens to him they get rid of all the things that remind him that yes, Bakugo may be gone but he's still HERE.

There are traces of their lives together everywhere, even under all the mess and they want to take that away from him????


"Please," he breathes out, trying to frantically plead with them. "Don't make it look like he was never here. Please, you can't. It's all... it's all I have left."


Sero grabs him, pulling him to a rough hug.

"You've still got us, man. You've still got us."

He doesn't have the heart to tell him it's not enough.

Denki is the first to break the silence.

"Dude, I'm not trying to be insensitive but let's be realistic. It fucking stinks in here."

"Denki!" Both Mina and Sero yell at him in unison.

He shrugs.


"I'm not taking it back, it's true."

Mina pointedly sniffs her nose, looking back at Kirishima, not wanting to say anything but he can tell she agrees.

"....Okay, Denki might have a point." Sero says, throwing Kirishima a sheepish smile. "Kiri, you know you aren't the only one who loved Baku. We all did. And we all know he would be kicking your ass seeing how you're doing. He'd fucking hate it in here."

Kirishima can't say anything, because he knew it was true. He swallows hard, knowing what's coming.


"So,” Denki starts, moving closer to Kirishima. “Me, you, Meens and Sero are going to scrub the shit outta this dump. We're probably going to cry doing it but fuck you if you think you're alone and fuck you if you think we're going to sit by and let you wallow. We're your fucking bros, so let's do this shit."

Denki extends his fist to Kirishima and though he does so a bit reluctantly, he brushes his knuckles against his.

It's a plan.

And Kirishima is terrified.

He can't do this without a drink, he just can't.


He heads to his kitchen and grabs the bottle of whiskey left abandoned on the counter. Just as he's twisted the lid, Mina is there yanking the bottle from
his hands.

"What did I say? You have got to stop doing this shit."

He closes his eyes, hand extended.

"Give it here."


"I gotta agree with Meens," Denki says. "Plus, I'm the smart one so like, you've got to listen to me."

"Pfft, you? You're not the smart one in this group, idiot." Sero is scoffing at the thought.


"Who is then?" Denki demands.

"Kat. Kat was always the smart one."

All three of them look at Kirishima, and he shrugs.

"Fine, if he was the smart one then looks like he's passed the torch to me, fuckers." Denki looks so certain, no one even bothers to argue.


Sero just rolls his eyes at him and says, "If that's true, we're fucked."

Kirishima knows what they are doing, trying to distract him. It doesn't work. He still wants his drink and he says so.


"Look dude, you've got to feel this.  You gotta rip the band-aid off. It's not going to get any easier and you've been numbing yourself with that shit," Denki says pointing to the bottle in Mina's hands, "so we're doing this sober and we're doing this now."


Kirishima pinches the bridge of his nose, leaning against the counter. "Holy shit," he says, "you guys are so annoying."

"Yeah, but we love you. Let us take care of you Ei."

He gasps and looks at her sharp for saying the nickname Katsuki always used for him.

Her eyes are filled with tears when she says, "Please, let me do this for him. Do you know how guilty I feel for letting him down, Kiri? I know he expects me to help you and you aren't letting me!" Her voice goes shrill near the end, piercing into his skull.


He definitely still was hungover on top of all of this.

He also kind of saw their point.

Denki was right, he'd been numbing himself since Katsuki left. Mina was right because he'd refused help.


Kirishima rubs his face, feeling defeated. He looks towards Sero, raising an eyebrow.

"You wanna say something too?" He asks, figuring that way everyone can get it out of their system.

Sero laughs, "I'm not here to yell at you man. I'm just here to bring you back."


"Bring me back?"

"To life dude. You've been a zombie for months and I don't want to be a dick but you're not the one who died."

"I...I feel like I died though." He swallows down the lump in his throat. "I loved him. I loved him more than anything and when he left, most of me did too. I don't know how to get me back and I don't even know if I want to. I've been trying so hard..."


His voice shakes, but he presses on.

"I'm so tired. I'm tired of waking up to another day without him. I loved him, I loved him so much and it wasn't enough to keep him here. I just want him back... I want him back. Goddamnit Mina, just let me have one fucking drink. Please??"

He's positive he is shaking at this point but all he can focus on is the bottle in Mina's hand.

"Please Mina," he's begging, not caring how pathetic he looks. "I just want to feel something else. Anything but this. It hurts, it hurts so goddamn much and I can't handle it."


He drops to his knees, his body heaving with sobs.

"...please.. I just want it to stop."


All three of his friends practically tackle him to the ground. He's absolutely dog piled under a mess of crying bodies.

They are hurting right along with him, for him.

And even though he's a fucking wreck, he can't deny how good it feels to feel loved.

Because he knows they do love him.

Even when Denki gets up to wipe his eyes and empties his whiskey into the sink. He knows they are doing their best for him. He knows he doesn't have to be alone.


Every day everything hurts, but maybe he can share some of it with them.

Maybe he can start to pick up some of the pieces of his shattered life. He'd still be broken, but maybe a little more put together.

He could try for them, right?

He could try to live for Katsuki, too.

That night when he goes to bed in his cleaned apartment, mind sober for the first time in a long time, he doesn't expect anything from his dreams.

That's the night Katsuki visits him.


~~~


Kirishima hasn't dreamt since he first learned that Katsuki died. His brain too fogged with liquor just shuts itself off when his head hits the pillow.

He prefers it that way.

He knows if let himself dream, they would all be of Katsuki, of him dying.

His heart can't take it.

As he lay in bed, sober for the first time in months, he thinks about what Denki said.

He needs to rip off the band-aid. He can't keep numbing himself. He is going to have to face the fact that Katsuki isn't coming home.

So he curls up on Katsuki's side of the bed, face pressed into his old pillow as he inhales deeply.

It still smells like him.

Not much, but enough to make his heart ache.

And somehow, he falls asleep.


In his dream he's walking, searching for something. For someone.

Then he hears it.

The familiar sound of a tongue clicking against teeth.

Tch.


He spins around towards the noise not wanting to believe his own ears.

His heart is beating wildly in his throat.

Then he sees him.

Each beat of his heart screaming:


He's here.

He's here.

He's here.

He's here.


“About damn time shitty hair. What the hell took you so long?"


Kirishima is so shocked, so thrilled, so fucking relieved to see him that he can't even hold his own weight and his knees buckle, making him drop to the floor.

He can't even speak.

Katsuki laughs when he sees Kirishima drop to his knees.

"Wow, Ei," he says smirking, "on your knees for me already? Good to know you miss my dick that much."


His laugh.

God, Kirishima hadn't heard it in so long he nearly cries.

"K-Kat?" He gets to his knees, he's shaking. "Is that really you?"

Katsuki rolls his eyes and let's his breath out in a huff.

"You're still a whole idiot, huh?"

But he smiles at him.

It's the one that meets his eyes. The one just reserved for Kirishima.

"I've missed you, Ei."

Kirishima runs for him.


His arms are outstretched and he's fully intending to squeeze the hell out of his boyfriend when just as he's reaching for him-

He goes through him.

Huh?


"What the fuck?" Katsuki says mirroring Kirishima’s thoughts, a huge scowl on his face.

They reach for each other at the same time just to watch their hands go through one another's.

Kirishima wants to cry all over again at the unfairness of it all. Katsuki's lip juts out in a comical pout, his arms crossed against himself. Kirishima would laugh at him if he weren't so devastated at not being able to touch him.

"This fucking blows."

It did, but- he was HERE. Kirishima wasn't going to waste anymore time.

"I love you," Kirishima tells him in a rush. "I miss you so much Kat, I miss you every second of everyday and I'm so mad-"

"You're mad?? Back up for one fucking second."

He's glaring at him now.

This suddenly isn't a long lost love reunion..


"Huh?" Kirishima asks stupidly.

"You think I haven't seen you, Eijiro? You think I don't know what shit you've been pulling?"

He knows he's being reprimanded but hearing Katsuki saying his name again is too much and he can feel his eyes watering. He missed him so much.


"Aw, shit. Ei, baby, don't fucking cry alright?"

Katsuki reaches his arms out, then seems to remember they can't touch. He frowns.

"Fuck, this is annoying. I've been waiting all this time and I can't even touch you? It's bullshit."


Kirishima wipes at his eyes before asking, "You've been waiting?"

Katsuki looks at him like he's stupid.

"You new here? Yes, I've been waiting duh. I've been trying to reach you but your dumbass has been busy DESTROYING YOUR LIVER."

He's mad now. But Kirishima doesn't care. He'll be yelled at for the rest of his life if it means he can stay here with Katsuki.

But still. Katsuki doesn't know what it's like for him being left behind.


"What else am I supposed to do Kat?"

Katsuki sighs, running his fingers through his hair.

Kirishima's hands twitch, wanting to desperately feel the strands between his own fingers again.


Katsuki reaches out for him again, just like he would when he was alive. Then clenches his hand in a fist.

"I want to punch you."

"I want to kiss you."

Even though he's mad, Kirishima catches him biting his lip to keep from smiling.


"Don't distract. I really should be kicking your ass," he says, getting serious.

"Lucky for me you can't touch me then, huh?"

He rolls his eyes so hard Kirishima wonders if he was able to actually see his brain.


Kirishima starts to laugh before letting it really sink in that they can’t touch each other.

"You know, it's pretty messed up that here I am, finally dreaming about you, and I can't even touch you? Like not even in my own dream? Messed up. Seriously."

Bakugo's eyebrows raised up at him, surprised.

"You aren't dreaming idiot."

Kirishima snorts.

"Yeah. Okaaaay."

"Ei, wake the fuck up. I'm right here."


He shakes his head at his dream Bakugo who looks frustrated.

"If I wake up, you'll be gone again. I need this, let me have you for a little while longer."

Bakugo's eyes go soft, and again he reaches out for Kirishima before dropping them back to his sides, defeated.

"Ei... I'm, I'm always with you. You know that, right?"

"You aren't though, and I'm a mess without you Katsuki." Kirishima's chest is tight, his eyes wet. He didn't want to be crying. Finally seeing his boyfriend, even if it was just a dream should be making him happy. Kirishima wipes at his face quickly, plastering a huge grin on his face.

"Okay, if this is my dream let's at least do some dream stuff. How does this work? Can we like conjure up a dragon or something?"

Bakugo snorts out a laugh, shaking his head in obvious disbelief.

"Oh my God. I finally reach you after all this time and you want to fuck around with dragons? You're so fucking stupid." He's laughing now, and it sounds so good to him.

"Ei, I fucking love you."

Kirishima's heart swells at hearing his words.

He knows when he wakes up, he's going to be a fucking wreck. But he'll take it. He'll take the pain all over again because for at least a few hours, he gets to see him.

It really feels real. It really feels like he's right here. It really feels like he's alive again.

“Why haven't I dreamed of you sooner?" He wonders out loud.

Bakugo sighs.

"I've tried to get to you. I've tried, believe me. But I couldn't because you're a fucking dumbass."

Kirishima scowls at him.

"Excuse me?"

"C'mon, walk with me and I'll tell you."

It's the first time Kirishima pays attention to his surroundings. He was so busy keeping his eyes on Katsuki he never bothered to look around.

They're in a forest. It's all green trees and dirt paths and suddenly it dawns on him that he's been here before.

"Hey, is this where we went hiking for your last birthday? The place where we watched the sunset on that ridge and I almost fell off?"

Bakugo laughs next to him, nodding.

They continue to walk through the trees and Kirishima wishes with all his might he could hold hands with him. Still, they walk close. Their shoulders occasionally going through one another.

It isn't nearly enough, but he'll take it.

They reach a small clearing and apparently Katsuki deems it a good stopping point because he plops down and pats the spot across from him, beckoning Kirishima to sit down.

"Alright, so," Katsuki starts just as Kirishima gets comfortable. "The reason why you're a fucking dumbass is, you've been passing out fucking obliterated and I can't get through to you. You process fucking nothing when your plastered. It's like trying to run into a brick wall."

Kirishima tries to understand but it makes no sense.


"Why does it matter if I fall asleep drunk?"

Katsuki throws his hands up in the air, scoffing.

"I'm fucking dead Eijiro. How the hell should I know how anything works? I just know that it doesn't when your drunk and you've apparently been drunk since I fucking died."


He got him there.

He couldn't remember a time where he was sober for more than a few hours since he got the news Katsuki died.

Before Kirishima can apologize for his alcoholism, Katsuki reaches out, going through his hands anyway.

"I'm so fucking sorry Ei. I never wanted this to happen. I never ever wanted to leave you."

There are tears in his eyes and it breaks Kirishima's heart.

"Kats-"

"No, let me get this out. I'd don't know how long until your next fucking bender." He throws him a quick scowl before pressing on. "I wish I could take it back. I wish I would have stayed home with you. I was a fucking idiot and I got myself killed for it. I knew I shouldn't have gotten on my bike. I knew the roads were too slick. I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry."

Kirishima doesn't like to relive the worst night of his life, but Katsuki is pulling the memory out anyway.

They fought. What it was over, Kirishima doesn't honestly remember. What he does remember is yelling at Katsuki to stay, and Katsuki screaming he was leaving anyway.


He should have grabbed him and pulled him back inside.

But he was too mad, too annoyed to make him stop being so childish.

So Kirishima let him go.

Kirishima let him die.


Kirishima finds himself crying again.

"It was my-"

"If you say it was your fault, I'll end you."

Kirishima smiles weakly. This dream was good, it really was like he was here. His memory was even better than he thought.


"Ei, listen I just wanted to apologize. To tell you that it was all on fucking me."

Kirishima doesn't know what to say. His dream Katsuki was wrong, but, God did it feel good to have him say it wasn't. Just to escape the guilt for even a second.

“Do you hear me Eijiro? None of this was your fault."

Something in Kirishima breaks open. He knows he's sobbing and next to him he can hear Katsuki doing the same. He looks over at him and finds him practically in his lap, sitting through him. Kirishima knows he can't feel him but he claws for him anyway, the need to feel his person in his arms so overwhelming he could drown in the sensation of it. The fucking all consuming need for it.

“This isn't fair," he hears himself saying. "This isn't fair."

Katsuki's face is so close to his. It he wasn't going through him, he'd know their foreheads would be pressed together. It's way too bittersweet but still, just to see him, just to talk to him, he'll take it.

Suddenly, Katsuki looks desperate.

"Shit, Ei, you're waking up."

His eyes are blazing into his, so intense he can practically feel the heat off of him.

"Huh?"

Oh yeah, this was just a dream.

Wait, that means he won't be here anymore.


"Don't leave me, Kat, don't leave."

He smiles at him, and presses his face into his. He goes through, but still, Kirishima revels in it.

"Don't drink idiot, and I'll be back."


The sound of his alarm is blazing in his ear when he is startled awake.

Groggily he grabs his phone, shutting the alarm off.

Down the hall he can hear Mina singing off key. She's cooking bacon, he can smell it. He closes his eyes again, thinking of going back to sleep. Then the dream comes flooding back to him.

Katsuki.

Katsuki was in his dreams.

The dream was slowly fading with each second longer he was awake. Quickly he reaches over and digs into his night stand searching for a piece of paper and pen to write with. He finds a pen and an old receipt and scribbles down as much as he can remember. He remembers not being able to touch. That he called Kirishima a dumbass a lot. God it was fading so quick and he felt like he was missing something important…

Oh!

In large letters he writes:

DON'T DRINK

Looks like he was taking his first step towards sobriety.


~~~


To say he was distracted throughout the day was an understatement.

His mind kept going back to the bits of his dream he could remember. The way Katsuki smiled, the way Katsuki said his name.


It felt strange to be excited about something, even if that something was to go back to sleep.


"Kiri, are you even listening?"

"Huh?"

He definitely wasn't. He was busy staring at the clock, wondering if it was too early to go to bed.


Mina sighs, but gives him a soft smile so he knows he's in the clear.

"I was saying that I was proud of you."

"Why?"

"You haven't had a drink all day. That's a huge deal."

Oh. That.

He shrugs.


She slaps him against the arm.

"Don't sell yourself short Kiri, it's a big deal. Anyway, I'm going to get out of here. You wanna come with?"

He laughs. He hadn't left his house in months aside from trips to the liquor store.

"Baby steps, Mina."


She smiles at him, standing up from where she was sitting on the couch next to him. She palms the hair on his forehead, pushing it back to leave a kiss there.

"Love you. Call me if you need me."

He nods but they both know he won't call. He never does.


When she leaves, he scrambles to his bedroom.

It's only 5 pm, but he's too anxious at the idea of seeing Katsuki.


Part of him knows that he's more than likely going crazy. The Katsuki in his dreams obviously isn't his actual Katsuki. But fuck if it didn't feel good to see him again. Even if he can only see him in his dreams, he'd take it.


He draws the blinds trying to make his room as dark as possible before laying down.

Fuck.

It's no use. He's wide awake.

He can't drink to fall asleep anymore according to Katsuki, so that's out. Plus, Denki got rid of his liquor so he couldn't have any even if he wanted to. He got up to rummage in his bathroom cabinet.

Bingo.

There was a large bottle of sleeping pills. Kirishima smiles at the memory of Katsuki complaining how he could never sleep at night because of how loud he snored. He takes the bottle and eyes the instructions. It says to take only one, but he's a big guy and two sounds better.

He swallows his pills and lays in bed waiting for them to kick in.

He doesn't know how long he's waiting but one minute he's staring at the ceiling, the next he's back in the forest where Katsuki is leaning against a tree, grinning at him.


Seeing him, even if it's just a dream, makes his stomach all fluttery.

He's so beautiful. He's always been. He makes sure to say so.

Katsuki blushes heavy, calls him an idiot and looks away but Kirishima knows he enjoys the praise.


"So," Katsuki says breaking the silence. They're back in the clearing, laying on their backs staring at the sky. It's somehow both filled with stars, yet it's bright out.

Dreams are weird so Kirishima doesn't think too hard about it.


"So?"

"What are your plans?"

"Plans?"

He sighs next to him, throwing a handful of grass at him. The grass bounces off of him, it's only Katsuki who isn't solid here.


“Now that I'm dead, stupid."

Kirishima tenses.

It's easy to forget that fact when Katskui is here in front of him looking very much alive.

"Uhh, I don't know?"


And he didn't. When Kat died, so did all his dreams. Each one of them involved him and without him being there, what was the point?


Katsuki sits up, fisting his hand to rest his head on it while he stares down at Kirishima.

"You can't just stop your life. You've got to go out there. You've got to..." He stops. His eyebrows furrowed together as his lips turn down into a frown.


He knows what he's about to say, and jumps up so they are face to face with Kirishima leaning on his knees. He wants to shake him.

"Don't tell me to move on, Katsuki. That isn't happening."


Katsuki looks so sad.

"Eijiro, you've got to."

"I. Will. Never. Move. On."

He's almost hissing his words he's so mad. How dare he even suggest he moves on?


"I was so lucky to have you, Ei. The luckiest guy in the universe."

Something about his tone made him nervous.

"You STILL have me, Katsuki. You will ALWAYS have me," he clarifies, angry.

"You've got so much life left to live."


"And you'll be there for it. What are you saying??"

Katsuki looks at him and then slowly shakes his head.

"I won't."

Kirishima's hands are shaking. He just got him back, what does he mean he won't be there?


“We just figured this out, Kat. I stopped drinking. I can see you now, you're here again, what else is there to figure out? We got this. You'll still be here."

"Ei..." He trails off and looked down at their hands. At some point they had both reached for each other. Katsuki stares hard at their hands, his face scrunched up in concentration as if he's willing them to be able to feel each other.

It doesn't work.


"What's going on?" Kirishima chokes out. He's scared now. This isn't happening. He can't lose him again. He can't.

"I can't say for sure, but... I at least got to see you again."

"Yeah and you can see me again tomorrow ."


"No, I think..." He trails off again before swallowing hard. "I think that now I've gotten my last wish, my time being here, with you,  might be up."

Kirishima is shaking his head. "No no no no." He repeats.


"Ei, listen. It's gonna be okay. We got to see each other again. I finally got through an-"

"This is MY dream" Kirishima says, cutting him off, "why the hell are you saying you won't be in it anymore?"


"Eijiro, baby, you've got to calm down." His voice is soft, but he's pleading with him.

How much longer does he actually have left with him?

"K-kat?" his voice cracks.

"Shhh, baby, shhh," he says, practically whispering.


Kirishima inhales a shaky breath. This can't be happening. He can't be leaving him again.

"When?"

He's right in front of him, so close he could kiss him. He wants to. God, if he could just touch him. This was torture.

Katsuki shrugs his shoulders.

"I don't know? I just have this feeling. Like I should be saying goodbye?"


Kirishima shakes his head again. He knows he's being childish but he just can't make himself stop.

"I refuse," he said.

"Ei, I don't think it works that way." His tone is sullen.

He's come to terms with saying goodbye and Kirishima has definitely not. He stands quick enough to startle Katuski.

"The fuck?" He says, his tone questioning.

"We aren't doing this. We aren't saying goodbye. Like I said, I refuse. I've said goodbye to you once already and like Hell will I do it again."


"So what are you going to do?"

"You said you feel like you need to say goodbye right? Then what? After that you disappear, move on to another dimension, whatever? No. You don't get to tell me goodbye then."

".... Kiri."

"I'm serious. You don't say bye and you get to stay."


Katsuki looks exasperated.

"We don't know that, idiot!"

Kirishima feels weird, like he's being pulled.

Fuck, he's waking up.

He looks over at a panic stricken Katsuki.

No. This won't be the last time he sees him. It won't be.



~~~



His eyes open, but they feel heavy.

He's already starting to forget his dream.

He moves slowly as he reaches for the pen and receipt left out on his nightstand and scribbles down what he can recall. He feels like this time he was able to spend more time with him. The pills are obviously the solution to his problem. He took two, and yeah, he's tired but he's fine.

A few more wouldn't hurt for next time.

He refused to think about not being able to see Katsuki.


He tires to go about his day like normal but without drinking or Mina to distract him, all he can think about is Katsuki.

And sleeping.

And the pills.

It's such a simple solution, just take a few and he'd be back with Katsuki. He thinks maybe he should eat first or at least drink some water. But he's too impatient. Too eager to see his boyfriend again.He makes his way back to his bathroom and back to his bottle.

As he lays on his bed waiting for sleep to take him, his phone rings.

He glances at his screen and it's Denki. He almost doesn't answer it, but decides to at the last second.

"Yo Kiri!"

"Hmm?" He's getting sleepy already.


"You good dude?"

"..'jus tired."

Denki is quiet for a second. "You sure? Mina said you were trying to kick the bottle but you sound fucked."

"Nah, all good 'ere. Lemme go, gotta see Kat and I-," Kirishima doesn't even finish the sentence before he passed out.


Kirishima is back in the forest and he's in pull panic mode.

He can't find Katsuki.

He screams for him as runs through the trees, down and up different trails.

He isn't here.


Suddenly a voice is screaming his name and he runs for it.

It's gotta be Katuski. He's just somewhere he can't see, that's it.

He runs faster, trying to get to him.

The voice yells his name again.

Wait.

It isn't Katsuki's voice, it's Denki's.


“Should we call 911??"

It's Mina. She's crying.

"Maybe, I don't know. We don't know anything."

It's Sero, somewhere above him.

God, his head is pounding.

"KIRISHIMA!"


"God...what?" He manages to croak out.

All three of the people surrounding his bed let out a sigh of relief.

"What the FUCK Kiri?"

His eyes are closed again but he's pretty sure it's Denki yelling at him.


"..stop yelling."

He can feel the bed dip before Mina is on top of him, shaking him.

"You fucking asshole!"

He manages to open his eyes a crack, enough to register that she's crying.

"We couldn't wake you up," she sobs. She's straddling him, her head pressed against his chest. He can feel his t-shirt getting wet. His arms are heavy but he manages to bring them up to lay across her back.


God, he's so tired. He just wants to sleep.

Above him he hears a rattle, and then Sero and Denki are both laughing.


"Mina," Sero says, voice soft and reassuring. "He took a sleeping pill."

She stiffens against him before relaxing into his arms.

"Oh," her breath fans the underside of his chin. It reminds him of when Katsuki would cuddle up to him. It feels nice.


Wait.

Katuski.

He manages to prop himself up quick, Mina flops off him onto his bed with a huff.

He didn't see Katsuki.

He wasn't there.


"Kiri?" Mina asks, struggling to get up.


"'snothing."

He can't tell them. They'll think he's crazy.

"Since when did you start taking sleeping pills dude?"

His brain is kind of foggy but not foggy enough to know he needs to lie.

"Can't sleep. Bad dreams."


"Ahhh," Denki says. "Well, that explains why your ass was practically dead."

"Mmm," he agrees.

"Sorry Kiri, we just got worried."

"'s okay," he tells Sero.

Suddenly he coughs. He can taste copper. Weird.


"Let me grab you some water before we get out of your hair," Mina says before running down the hall into his kitchen.

Sero must leave to join her, because Denki is suddenly whispering in his ear.

"Do you need help?"


His eyes shoot open, confused.

What is he asking?

"Kiri," he says, just two inches from his face. "Do you need help?"

He doesn't say anything. Does he need help? Probably? He's fucking chasing after a ghost in his dreams.


Denki clears his throat.

"Okay, how about... Do you want help?"

Kirishima thinks as much as he is able to, with his brain as foggy as it is.

"No." He says, whispering.


Denki nods and stands up, right before Sero and Mina come back into his room.

Kirishima can't take his eyes off of him. It feels like he gave him permission for something, but for what he doesn't understand.

Mina comes to his bedside, pushes his hair off his forehead and leaves her signature kiss.

"Here's the water, honey."

He drowsily smiles at her.

"I love you. For always," he tells her.

She giggles. "You're high bud."

"Where my confession?" Sero asks, laughing.


"Love you too, bro. Forever."

He clutches his heart, pretending to cry.

"Alright guys, we should leave sleeping beauty to get her rest."

Mina is starting to usher them out of his room when Denki grabs his hand.


"I know you're hurting. Just don't forget about us. We love you."

"Huh?"

He squeezes his hand before letting it drop back on the bed.

"I just feel like... I don't know, like I should be saying goodbye."


Kirishima freezes, remembering what Katuski said in his dream.

"God, Denk. You're so dramatic. Yeah you're saying goodbye because we're leaving. C'mon."

She's pulling him out of the room, leaving Kirishima to just wave after him.


He needs to see Katuski.

He loves his friends but he needs to see Katsuki.

He does math in his head as soon as he hears the front door close. He probably didn't see Kat because they were shaking him awake. If he just takes more, he'll be able to sleep deeper, longer. He grabs the pills they left on his bedside, and takes some, using the water to help gulp them down. He lays back wondering if he's taken enough.

Maybe just a little more won't hurt?

He doesn't want anything to be able to disturb him and his time with Katsuki. He leans over again, and shakes the bottle into his hands not bothering to count. He's too tired for it and he just wants to be extra safe. He just wants to see Katsuki, even if it's to say goodbye this time.

He isn't ready for it, but he needs to see him.


Almost as soon as his head hits the pillow he's out.


~~~


He's standing in the forest again, alone.

But he's determined. He's going to find Katuski, he's got to.

So he walks.

And he walks.

And he walks.


Just as he's making his way back to the clearing for what feels like the millionth time, he hears a sound behind him.

Just as he's turning to the noise, his body is being slammed to the ground.


“YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

Ahh, it's Katsuki.

He did it. He found him.


Katsuki has him pinned to the ground and he's on top of him, fisting the front of his t-shirt. Tears are falling down his cheeks freely, most of them landing on Kirishima's face.

One of them hits his lips and he licks at it, tasting the salt.


Suddenly it dawns on him.

He can TOUCH him.

He doesn't care that's he's obviously pissed off at him, all that matters is his body is solid on top of him. His body is real. He's here. He's really here.

Kirishima grabs at his face, and pulls it towards him.

Before Katuski can protest, Kirishima's mouth is on his.


His lips are soft and warm and it's him. He moans into his mouth and his own tears begin to well up on his lashes. He kisses him hard, forcing them to mold against his own. Kirishima threads his fingers into Katuski's hair, pulling him closer.

He revels in the way the strands caress his fingers.


It's so soft, so familiar. He's grabs it by the fistful.

Even though just seconds ago he was screaming at him, not even Katsuki can resist their reunion as he presses his body hard against Kirishima's, his tongue forcing its way into his mouth.

He tastes like tears. He tastes like Katuski. He tastes like home.

Katuski is the first to pull back, his hands on either side of Kirishima's face, cradling it like it's something precious.

His lips are kiss burnt and Kirishima reaches his hand up to trace them with his finger.

Sweetly, Katuski kisses the pad of his index finger.

"You stupid fucking asshole," he breathes, his breath fanning Kirishima's face. Before Kirishima can retort, Katsuki's mouth is on his skin, peppering tiny kisses all over his face.

When they pull away again, it's Kirishima who speaks first.

"I love you."

Katuski smiles at him so soft, it clears up any doubts he may have had.

If he knew what he had to do to get here, to be able to be with him, he knows in his heart he would have done it sooner. Maybe it was an accident, maybe it wasn’t. He isn’t entirely sure, but he knows he doesn’t regret his decision.

He loves his friends, but he couldn't live without Katsuki.


As he reaches up to kiss Katsuki again, he lets his hand run along his skin until he can feel the steady beating of his heart.

Everything was perfect.

He was in heaven.