Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was stupid to remember, which is why he had never and would never tell anyone, but the first time it had happened, Tsukishima had freaked out for a good minute and a half. It wasn’t like in movies, where you suddenly heard a voice that wasn’t your own inside your mind. Even if it had been, it would have freaked him out. But instead, he got panicked thoughts. They weren’t quite feelings, but rushed ramblings to run away, to stand up for himself, to do something, dammit , stop crying, that’ll only make it worse. However, Tsukishima wasn’t crying. He was just walking home and still the desperate musings of what was undoubtedly another child’s mind invaded him.

So yeah, he freaked out and for a second he wondered if he was getting possessed by a ghost or if he was having a nightmare. Or maybe it was a warning, some supernatural warning to do something different, to change route. He didn’t understand it and even as a kid, he was skeptical about those things, but when something as weird as that happened, he couldn’t help it.

Which was why he changed his route a little, just in case, and walked near the park.

There, he found another boy. Well, he found around four boys, really, but only one that mattered.

Yamaguchi Tadashi, he would learn later, was his name.

Tsukishima had hesitated for a second, as he saw the crying boy, then put the pieces together. He was being bullied.

He looked at the other guys. Maybe it was the joy at finding something to distract him from his sudden fear, maybe it was his own annoyance at his cowardly and uncool attitude. Maybe he actually felt bad for the boy…. But no, probably one of the first two.

He laughed. “Pathetic,” he said. And the kids had turned around to try and mess with him, but had then seen his height, had perceived his cocky attitude. They had left.

And it had been just the two of them.

Tsuishima glanced at the other, and not wanting to go back to thinking about what had made him go there, he addressed him, casually:

“You alright?”

Yamaguchi’s lip had trembled, as he tried and failed not to burst into tears. “Y-yeah, I just… I-”

And that was when Tsukishima absolutely lost it . He kept a straight face, but he absolutely lost it once he got home.

He didn’t even know how, but he knew why.

That voice in his head?

It had belonged to Yamaguchi.

After that, they had introduced each other, talked a bit, discovered they lived near each other, etc. But to be honest, it had been a bit of a blur, of course, because Tsukishima just couldn’t understand it. What was happening?

Well, he had heard what happened when you met your soulmate, but children discovering their soulmate was practically unheard of. He had read that later on. They were strange cases, and many times, through the years, he had ended up closing the browser window on the few articles and thought pieces. First because he hadn’t understood them and they made him frustrated, but then…

Well, who knew. Certainly not Tsukishima.

The thing was, that after a while, he decided it was nothing. Why? Because the next few times he saw Yamaguchi, Tsukishima was alone in his mind. No extra voices, no strong, foreign feelings. Nothing.

Plus Yamaguchi never mentioned it.

So yes, it had been weird, but he soon discarded it. He shrugged it off. He didn’t have the time or energy to think about it, either way. Between school and volleyball, and practicing with Akiteru? Who would have time to concern themselves with that? Not Tsukishima.

So time passed.

And it turned out, Yamaguchi was pretty okay. He was a bit of a crybaby, yeah, but he listened to Tsukishima when he talked about dinosaur trivia, comparing them to pokemon. He thought Tsukishima was cool, because he was tall and he was mean, instead of thinking he thought too much of himself because he was tall and also mean. Yamaguchi paid attention when Tsukishima taught him the rules of volleyball and, yeah, he wasn’t a good player, but he was eager to learn and to be honest, Tsukishima had never had someone who put up with his far-too-witty not-so-little self so well.

And well, they became friends, sort of. As in, Tsukishima wouldn’t call him his friend aloud, but that was not a problem with Yamaguchi. It wasn’t that Tsukishima didn’t want to be friends with him or that he was embarrassed of Yamaguchi. He was mostly embarrassed of the fact he had a friend and that he regretted not having had a friend first, because, honestly, as nice as it was having a cool brother who was the ace of his junior high team and who liked to spend time with him, who was Tsukishima going to tell about his awesome brother? He couldn’t tell Akiteru himself. It’d go to his head and it was embarrassing. But Yamaguchi was enthusiastic, and he looked absolutely starstruck whenever he saw Akiteru or volleyball in person, and that was nice because he showed all those things that Tsukishima himself was too uptight to admit.

Even if sometimes Yamaguchi looked a bit too starstruck and that much was pretty annoying. There were times when Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi and he could almost hear him gushing about Akiteru and how great he was. He could identify the little puppy crush and it was weird and annoying . Akiteru was cool but he wasn’t that cool.Tsukishima was, definitely, cooler. He was also taller than Akiteru had been at his age! So there were moments when Yamaguchi stared at Akiteru and Tsukishima scoffed, to which Yamaguchi instinctively smiled and said “Sorry, Tsukki!” and then they were back to talking about something nicer, like volleyball teams that weren’t Akiteru’s or… or other non-Akiteru things.

In hindsight, Tsukishima had been pretty dumb.

And that applied to many, many things. Like stupid Akiteru himself. He and his lying self. Benched Akiteru. Not even benched. He didn’t even play. He didn’t even have a uniform . He wasn’t good enough and he wasn’t awesome. He was a liar.

And Tsukishima remembered that day, still felt it in his gut, the sense of overwhelming disappointment, of shame, of loneliness. It was impossible to describe, impossible to process. Tsukishima had broken that day, and he had walked out.

And Yamaguchi had followed after him.

Tsukishima had wanted to push him away, to yell at him, but he didn’t have the words, he didn’t have a reaction. He just wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. That would have shown he cared about what his brother had done and he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to be cared for.

Still, Yamaguchi had followed.

“Tsukki!” he said, running behind him to catch up with his long strides.

“Leave me alone,” he replied, not turning to look at him. He tried to keep his voice steady. He didn’t care. Akiteru didn’t deserve caring unless you were an idiot.

He kept walking, just a little faster, thinking Yamaguchi had left. Of course he would have left. Yamaguchi thought that Akiteru was so great , and now that it turned out he wasn’t? Why would he keep talking to his stupid, naive brother who had bought every lie for years ?

Why would Yamaguchi still be his friend after he had found out how lame they were? The whole family. Liars or idiots.

“Tsukki.”

Tsukishima almost turned around out of sheer surprise that he was still there. He sounded slightly out of breath.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Tsukishima was mean and nasty, why would they be friends? Yamaguchi wasn’t like that. Yes, they’d only been friends because of Akiteru and now it turned out that Akiteru was trash.

He felt his eyes burn but no. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. No. Not that. He wasn’t lonely. He wasn’t hurt.

“Tsukki!”

“What?!” Tsukishima snapped, turning around to glare at Yamaguchi. Immediately, he regretted it.

Yamaguchi’s face was red and wet with tears. Tsukishima wondered how he hadn’t realized that. But then again, how had he not realized that Akiteru was lying? Maybe he was just-

“Don’t,” Yamaguchi said, as he finally reached him. He wiped away the tears and looked at his hand, with a strangely surprised face, as if he hadn’t noticed his own crying before that.

Tsukishima raised his eyebrows. “Don’t what?”

“Y-you know! Don’t! Don’t walk away! Don’t act like… like that!”

Tsukishima scoffed, looking away. “Like what? I’m just walking away because I went to see my brother play. Turns out he wasn’t playing, why would I-?”

“You are hurt,” Yamaguchi stated, which took Tsukishima by surprise. He wasn’t asking, he wasn’t hesitant.

He knew.

“I-I’m not,” he tried to convince himself.

“Yes you are!” Yamaguchi replied, stomping on the floor. “Yes you are hurt because what your brother did? It’s hurtful! You know that!”

Tsukishima scoffed.

“And it’s fine to be hurt.”

“I’m not hurt!” he replied, frowning as his lip trembled.

“Yes you are. And you are angry.” Yamaguchi hesitated for a second. “And you are scared.”

For a second, Tsukishima glanced back at Yamaguchi. “I… why would I be-?”

“You don’t have to be!” Yamaguchi’s face showed uncertainty, confusion, as if he wasn’t sure where the words were coming from. “I’m your friend.”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened for a moment. What did that even mean?

“I’m your friend, Tsukki. I like spending time with you.” Yamaguchi assured, as his voice broke. Somehow, it sounded as if he was begging. “I want to be your friend.”

Lips pursed, Tsukishima looked away. No you don-

Yes I do.

“Yes, I do! I do!” Yamaguchi yelled, and it sounded like a tantrum, but Yamaguchi had never raised his voice at Tsukishima like that. It was obvious he was scared of yelling, it showed in his movements and his tears. But he did it anyway. Because it was the truth. Because he needed to say it.

Because Tsukishima needed to hear it.

He needed to know he hadn’t lost his best and only friend the same day he’d lost his brother.

And Yamaguchi knew that.

Even if one second afterwards, he looked up with wide, scared eyes. “Can I please still be your friend?”

Tsukishima would have normally hesitated, stopped for a bit, puffed his chest and straightened up to try and seem cool.

Not then.

“You don’t have to ask.” Tsukishima said, softly.

And there was something about Yamaguchi’s absolutely relieved face that made Tsukishima’s chest warm. It also opened the gates for all other feelings.

And he broke down crying.

Yamaguchi had shushed him, then, softly, awkwardly but with so much care that Tsukishima could never make fun of it, even if he’d wanted to mention the moment later on, when it was past.

They had never mentioned it again, which was for the best. Tsukishima still remembered, though.

And it made him wonder.

But wondering was all there was.

To be fair, that wasn’t rare in their dynamic.The unspoken agreements, the unestablished routines, the implicit rules.

The memories they shared but they didn’t bring up, fears and words that went unsaid but not unnoticed.

Tacit, but always there.

The times when Yamaguchi’s voice rang in his mind, loud and clear and ever louder.

The nights Tsukishima spent reading about soulmates.

“Soulmates share intense moments through mental links.”

It was ambiguous, but little by little, Tsukishima thought he understood it.

Like the fear of being bullied, or the pain of being betrayed. The anxiety of stepping into a volleyball match for the first time.

The fear of demanding effort. It wasn’t just the need to show pride, but to feel it. Because Yamaguchi, silently, knew of his shame and distrust for hope.

The happiness of being complimented by your stoic friend.

Tsukishima knew it, read about it, researched it, something slowly swelling in his chest. And though he told himself it was stupid, it remained.

The curious looks that Yamaguchi gave him, after those nights of intense readings, when Tsukishima yawned.

Was it a game they were playing? “Who’ll mention it first”? Or did they just want to be certain?

“Prematurely formed bounds have been proven to be unreliable and fragile.”

Tsukishima, scoffing at that repeated piece of information, deciding to finally go to sleep.

Tsukishima knew it all too well, had known it for years.

And then, of course, Kageyama and Hinata ruined it.

The thing was, with them, that there was no subtlety, just idiocy. There had been a moment, during that first match among themselves, right after Daichi had said that Hinata’s eyes were closed while he had spiked the ball: Kageyama and Hinata had looked at each other as if finally understanding something. They had only known each other for days, but it was clear to everyone.

Except each other.

They had gone back to playing. And they kept their weird tension, and their stupid fighting, their miscommunication. So much so, that even Tsukishima and all his knowledge had decided that it had been nothing, a misstep. They were too loud and confused to be linked.

Having a soulmate meant having a companion in the silence. A steady comfort that needed no reassurance. The ground beneath your feet: you knew it existed, you didn’t have to say it. No need for Descartian thinking to make it true.

Except the moment they had beaten Seijoh, Hinata had turned to Kageyama and jumped into his already open arms as if they had planned it, and after that they’d been walking hand in hand to practice and everywhere else.

They hadn’t become less noisy or annoying to anyone except themselves, having realized, accepted that understanding in a way that simply didn’t make sense to Tsukishima.

He guessed it didn’t have to make sense to him.

Because, every once in a while, it was possible to find them in the yard, on the rooftop, behind the gym, uncharacteristically calm. Kageyama, with his head on Hinata’s lap, eyes closed, easily mistaken for sleeping. Hinata, running his fingers through his boyfriend’s dark hair, humming softly. Sometimes, out of nowhere, Hinata raised his hand to be held. Kageyama didn’t open his eyes, they said nothing.

Not aloud.

And sometimes, when they hung out in groups, they just started chuckling in unison, sharing knowing glances.

Tsukishima despised them.

So, of course, they ruined everything and they didn’t even notice.

It had just happened: the chuckling, and Tsukishima had decided he was not putting up with that. Not that day. There was a limit to his patience. Granted, it was not too hard to reach that limit, but either way, that day he’d had it with their lovey-doveyness.

“Nope,” Tsukishima said, walking away and quickly being followed by an amused Yamaguchi.

“Tsukki, that’s rude,” he said, shaking his head.

“They are rude.”

A pause. Fair enough , it meant. Tsukishima smiled lightly, but it didn’t last.

Because Yamaguchi glanced at the pair and his smile turned strange. He looked back at Tsukishima then, his eyes showing some shame that Tsukishima didn’t have time to understand before his friend spoke up:

“But honestly, sometimes I wonder what that feels like. To just… know”

A pause.

Fuck, Tsukishima thought.

Chapter Text

What it feels like, to just know , Yamaguchi had said. So few words, so simple, so nonchalant. So disgustingly sappy and innocent and filled with a longing that Tsukishima could have sensed even if he hadn’t known Yamaguchi for half a lifetime. So loud and earnest. All the qualities Tsukishima hated in one short sentence, said by the one person he can forgive them from.

Stupid.

He knew his reaction had been weird. He had never cared for talks about soulmates, mostly just snorting derisively and changing the topic. He tried to do that, then, but his voice came out strained, a weird sort of groan, a repressed wail, almost.

Stupid.

Yamaguchi had looked at him, eyes wide and a confused, almost scared scowl on his face. “Tsukki?” he had asked, and his concern was so palpable and easy to read that his mistaken belief was slightly less incomprehensible.

“Hah,” Tsukishimai had managed, shaking his head.

“Is everything alright?”

Yamaguchi didn’t know.

Oh god, he didn’t know.

Stupid.

“No,” Tsukishima had said, before his brain could catch up with his thoughts. He had stood there for a little, then tried to concoct a lie. Just an excuse to get away from that worry. “I think seeing those two made me sick.”

Yamaguchi had blown some hair through his nose, as if he was laughing, except his face was still filled with raw worry. Oh, how much he worried. Especially for his friend.

His friend.

He didn’t know. He wasn’t it.

“Oh, okay, do you want to g-?”

“I’m just going home for today.”

“But... practice,” he sounded small, hesitant. He cared so much.

But he didn’t know. He wasn’t it. He had never been.

“It’s just one day,” Tsukishima had shrugged, trying to get rid of those thoughts.

Stupid.

“Oh… okay. Do you want me to w-?”

“No.”

His voice sounded stern, authoritative. Rude. Far too rude, especially to be used with Yamaguchi. But it served its purpose; Yamaguchi faltered, looked away and nodded.

Great, now Yamaguchi felt guilty.

And still, and still, he turned back to Tsukishima and nodded again, more enthusiastically, as if trying to fix an error, putting on a forced smile. “Okay. Let me know when you get home?”

Caring, always so caring. Nothing like Tsukishima. Of course.

But he didn’t know. He wasn’t it. He had never been. They were nothing alike.

Stupid.

He had nodded, waving his hand in front of his face in a dismissive way. “Yeah, yeah,” he had said, and then turned around and left Yamaguchi standing there, drenched in guilt he did not deserve but that Tsukishima had still made him feel.

As always, as always. He didn’t, he wasn’t, had never been, were nothing. Etcetera etcetera.

Stupid stupid stupid.

When he entered his house, he didn’t remember walking there. He didn’t remember the streets he had gone through. He’d been on autopilot. He needed to be numb.

And once he got home, he reined it all in, he held it together by the thinnest of threads until he checked his mother was out.

She was. Good.

And then he threw his bag to the ground. Then he tried to hold it together, still. Take a note out of Akaashi-san’s book: rationalize it all away.

So Yamaguchi didn’t know? Well, clearly that meant he’d never heard Tsukishima’s thoughts.

Ergo, they were not soulmates. No big deal, go on with your life, Tsukishima Kei.

There was a weight in his chest, though, a buzzing in his mind. Tsukishima sighed. Again, he thought about it slowly and logically.

Right, so there was something bothering him about that situation. What, though? He had thought they were soulmates for years and they weren’t. That was understandably upsetting, finding out something he’d always believed was a lie. It was all the more upsetting because this was the second time something like that happened. And the first time, he had basically lost his brother, for years.

Okay. So was he afraid of losing Yamaguchi?

Well, yeah. Yamaguchi was his friend.

Sorta.

Tsukishima sighed and tapped his fingers on the wall. “Sorta?” Stupid ass excuse.

Fine. He was his friend. There was no hiding that. After all, Tsukishima wouldn’t have let someone he disliked hang around him as much. Sure, he disliked the freak duo and still hung around them, but that was mostly because Yamaguchi was friends with them.

Didn’t that meant that Yamaguchi was a triple annoyance and should be avoided? Yes.

Tsukishima took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirt.

But of course, he could not avoid Yamaguchi. It was not just that he would get yelled at by mostly everyone. It was that Yamaguchi himself would either cry or call him out on his bullshit.

But Yamaguchi often yelled at him when he was putting himself down. He mostly laughed when Tsukishima told him to shut up. Why? Because he knew it was not serious.

Why wasn’t it serious?

A pause. So many questions. No point in them.

But his chest still felt heavy.

Fine. Okay: Because being mean to Yamaguchi was unthinkable. Unfathomable. It was just… terrible.

But why ? Tsukishima could be seriously mean. He could put others down and mean it. So why was Yamaguchi different?

He scoffed again. Because he’d thought they were soulmates.

Made sense.

A pause, a groan. No, it didn’t.

It didn’t make sense.

Yamaguchi wasn’t his soulmate, he wasn’t different. He had just been a lie that Tsukishima had told himself to… to what? To feel less lonely? He wasn’t lonely.

Tsukishima cleared his throat and glanced around the living room, surprised by the discovery that he had been pacing. There, he saw a picture of Akiteru in his middle school years, the volleyball uniform with the number four on it.

Apparently, people in his family were all liars, especially to Tsukishima.

He snorted.

Yes. After all, Yamaguchi had never said a thing about it. As much as he wanted someone to blame, he couldn’t. Yamaguchi wasn’t guilty.

And he wasn’t his… ‘soulmate’.

It seemed like a dirty word. Like ‘volleyball’ or ‘brother’ had been at one point.

But it should have always been a dirty word. The whole promise that there was someone out there for him should have been insulting to someone who never hoped, who dreaded trusting. It was a revolting idea: a ‘soulmate’.

So it made no sense that he hadn’t been revolted when thinking Yamaguchi was it. He should have pushed him away. Well, technically, he had tried. But Yamaguchi hadn’t gone anywhere.

Right.

Yamaguchi had been there, tangible. Tangible, gentle and warm and-

They weren’t soulmates.

Something bubbled in his chest, overflowing for a second.

It hurt. Why did it hurt so much.

A young Yamaguchi’s voice rang in his mind:

“Because it is hurtful.”

Well, thank you, Captain Obvious.

But it was, it was hurtful. He was hurt, and that sole thought made him want to yell and curse. But this time there was no one to curse but himself.

How stupid, to never check, to never ask. Wasn’t that the first thing you did? Why hadn’t he done that? How could he berate the stupid duo for their weird actions when he had refused to ever bring it up? Why?

He knew why. He just hated to admit it.

Admit that he was afraid.

Yes. He was afraid. In a way, he always was. Afraid of being disappointed, afraid of giving his all, afraid of making a fool of himself.

Afraid of being wrong.

And Yamaguchi being his soulmate? It had been a soothing idea. It had given him a sense of familiarity, something to rely on after he had lost his biggest hero.

Why him, though?

Yamaguchi had not been another false hero. Yamaguchi wasn’t put on a pedestal. He was loud, overly-sensitive, a nervous wreck. An oversharer, but also an under sharer. Too shy to tell Tsukishima he was scared. Too scared to ask Tsukishima if he was fine. Yamaguchi was a mess. He still was a mess, and he would always be a bit of a mess. Tripping on his feet because he was gawking at an animal on the street, biting his tongue when he got too nervous while he talked, grinning too widely, babbling too much, going too silent, then screaming aloud and thinking, and feeling and existing, just like that. Afraid but always willing to keep going, always ready to try again, to try again forever, as many times as it took, for as long as he needed. And that was just him . That was just how Yamaguchi was.

He had never pretended in order to seem more than himself. That was exactly what had made Tsukishima cling to him.

Hah.

There was this belief Yamaguchi was always glued to his side, that he followed him everywhere, like a shadow, like a puppy. Even Tsukishima had bought that, once in a while.

But deep down he knew. The truth was that Tsukishima only went places because of Yamaguchi. Hung out with others because of Yamaguchi. Tried a little harder at things because of Yamaguchi. He was no shadow, no pet.

Yamaguchi was clever, reliable, complex. Yamaguchi was pure and unadulterated. Yamaguchi only stayed behind him to make sure no one stabbed Tsukishima in the back.

And Tsukishima?

Tsukishima trusted him.

Tsukishima couldn’t think of not trusting him. It was as natural as breathing. More natural, even. People could still temporarily stop breathing if they so wished. Trusting Yamaguchi was not, ever, a decision. It was like feeling the warmth of the sun of his face: unstoppable.

It was maddening, how he had studied him so well that he had tricked himself into believing. It was infuriating, how he’d let him seep into his skin, ingrain himself into his soul.

His soul.

But they weren’t soulmates.

They weren’t soulmates.

He didn’t know his soulmate.

And the thing was: he didn’t care to know his soulmate.

Honestly, fuck having a soulmate.

Was he supposed to trust a stranger? Was he supposed to learn to forgive and forget and to open himself up to the world ?

Screw that, screw all of that. Screw the lessons reserved to him by fate and some random guy to whom he would have to tell his deepest disappointments, reliving them.

Screw that.

Yamaguchi already did it all, without any expectations of destiny, of forever, of gentleness. He just did it because that was how he was.

And Tsukishima-

“Ah,” the noise left him on its own, as he ran his hand through his hair.

Still standing in his living room, the realization did not hit him like a truck, did not leave him in shock. It popped its head up softly on his mind, like a ray of sunshine in the morning through the badly-closed curtains. Familiar. Unstoppable. It had always been there, patiently waiting until Tsukishima decided to acknowledge it. Him.

“I see,” he said aloud, for no particular reason.

And then he quietly went to his room.

Chapter Text

Discoveries such as these should be life changing. Taking the dust out of things you’d hidden away for such a long time, coming face to face with a truth you always refused… it should be like an earthquake. It had always been like that for Tsukisima. 

But it wasn't. He made up his mind not to do anything about it. Not to act upon it. Though he could not stash them away again and he had to live while knowing, there would be not letting it show outwardly. And that was fine. It was not denial anymore. It was just pretending. And he would do it for Yamaguchi.

Kind of funny, how Yamaguchi was the reason Tsukishima had stopped hiding away so much, but also exactly who he had to hide things from. It would take a toll on Tsukishima’s conscience, to lie by omission to his best friend. But the truth would hurt him more, definitely. Yamaguchi was just empathetic like that. 

And he could not hurt Yamaguchi.

He refused to.

So nothing would change but his lonely thoughts.

The curious thing, the truly funny thing was that it was easy. Tsukishima was an expert in self-control. 

So, when Yamaguchi texted him asking if he had arrived home safely, he answered with a thumbs up emoticon and that was it. He went to sleep.

So when, the next day, he showed up at the usual intersection where they always met on their way to school, and saw Yamaguchi there, he nodded his head and took off his headphones. The start of a normal day.

So when Yamaguchi pouted a little, Tsukishima raised his eyebrows and did not mention how the telltale signs of him being anxious (scrunched up nose, shifting his weight, reluctance to maintain eye contact) made Tsukishma want to run his fingers through Yamaguchi’s hair and ask what was up.

He did imagine it though, and he almost laughed. Sappy.

But Yamaguchi’s frown deepened. 

Tsukishima hummed softly, starting a mental countdown.

And right on cue, Yamaguchi stopped walking. “Hey, Tsukki…”

“Yeah?” he asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye now. Casually. Like a friend.

“I… are you okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” he shrugged.

“Oh! Good!” Yamaguchi cheered up just with that, in his nervous way of cheering up. As if he was taken aback by the relief that washed over him. He looked up at Tsukishima with bright eyes and absolute trust. And, ugh, he was so freaking cute.

Tsukishima startled a little. Huh, so he guessed now there was no filter in his mind. That, he could live with.

Yamaguchi, who had begun walking again, stopped almost immediately. “Tsukki?!” he said, back to being alarmed. "Did-?"

“No, nothing happened. Just thought I had left a thing home. Doesn’t matter now. I’ll live.”

“Oh, okay. If you did, though, I’ll lend you mine!”

Tsukishima laughed lightly, easily walking up to Yamaguchi. “You’ll lend it to me? Yamaguchi, we are in the same class, that’d just mean you wouldn’t have it.”

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes a little. “I was being nice .”

“You were being dumb,” he teased.

“Tsukki! That’s just rude!” Yamaguchi pouted again, but this time his eyes showed amusement. 

“Yep.” Tsukishima shrugged, smirking ever so slightly.

“First you just text me a freaking thumbs up, now this!” Yamaguchi said, in mock offense, crossing his arms over his chest and glancing away for a second, before peeking back at Tsukishima as his corners of his lips curved up.

Tsukishima returned a loop-sided grin and acted as if neither of them had noticed. “Oh, guess you’ll have to teach me a lesson. How will you do that?”

Yamaguchi immediately laughed, shoulders shaking. He smacked Tsukishima's arm playfully. “Don't say it like that !” 

Tsukishima snorted. “I have no idea what you mean.”

“You know exactly what I mean. You sound like a dirty old man .” Yamaguchi explained, chuckling.

At that, Tsukishima exhaled some air. His version of a gasp. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Yamaguchi. I am innocent.” 

“You are no such thing!”

“How dare you. I am but a child.”

Yamaguchi kept laughing through his teeth, covering his mouth. When he did that, he always let out a weird sound. Like a balloon deflating. It had always been a comforting when it should have been hideous.

Tsukishima glanced at him and then looked away. “It’s the Truth.”

Yamaguchi nodded. “Okay, okay. You win.” He was smiling widely, and his dimples showed.  

“Of course I did. I always win.”

“Only because I let you,” Yamaguchi replied. After a pause, he added:  “You are in a good mood today.”

“Take that back. Disgusting.”

 “It’s the truth, though. Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened,” he lied. Or did he? Nothing had happened. Nothing had changed.

Yamaguchi nodded, obviously skeptical but letting it be. “Well, maybe… maybe ‘nothing’ is good… but only every once in a while.”

“You are making no sense.”

With a sigh, Yamaguchi's voice lost its soft but serious air. "Or maybe you need to broaden your understanding.” He then put his hands on his own head and moved them strangely, as if expanding and-

Tsukishima quirked an eyebrow. “Is that a fucking meme reference?”

Yamaguchi gave him one of his fakely innocent smiles. “Don’t curse, now, innocent child.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “I see you’ve used my own words against me. Daring.”

“Galaxy brained, you might even say.”
“Galax- what?” Tsukishima looked at him with a frown. “Who gets you, really.”

Yamaguchi laughed and glanced to the side, smile becoming smaller but no less sincere. 

It was written in his face: ‘You do.’

Sappy. Tsukishima looked away. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“I didn’t say anything!” he giggled.

Tsukishima blew some air through his nose, ignoring the heat he felt on his own neck and face.

“Still. You know. Shut up.”

“Okay, Tsukki! Sorry, Tsukki!"

Tsukishima stole another quick look at him, which Yamaguchi caught at the last second. He then ducked his head, probably. Tsukishima wasn’t going to check. But he probably did and then smiled one of those weird smiles that seemed sad and not, at the same time.

God I love you, crossed his mind. Strange, to allow himself freedom, even if it was just of thought.

But nothing more had changed. And nothing more would change.

Except it did. 

He could not understand how or why, but it actually did. 

It started happening slowly. So slowly he did not even realize it, until one day he was having lunch and the freak duo approached him.

“Huh?” was the first thing Hinata said, looking around in confusion.

Kageyama also looked around. “Mh,” he said.

Tsukishima frowned at them. “What is wrong with you. I mean, aside from the obvious?”

Both glared at him, though Kageyama did so more intensely. 

“Where’s Yamaguchi?” Hinata asked.

Tsukishima shrugged. “He said he had to ask the English teacher something.”

“Oh, I see.” Hinata said and, uninvited, sat down to have lunch with Tsukishima. 

Kageyama sat down too and took a long sip of his milk, before looking pointedly at Hinata.

Hinata looked at him back, grimacing. Great. Fantastic. Telepathic conversations. Right in front of his bento. 

Still, lacking anything better to do, he observed them, looking at each other, frowns deepening slightly until they were glaring at each other. Tsukishima was not sure what was happening, but he had the slight impression he did not really want to know.

Except, in the end, Kageyama nodded and turned to Tsukishima. “So.”

Tsukishima raised his eyebrows. “I’m not your oompa loompa, you know? I can’t read your mind?”

“Wh- what?!” Hinata said, a scowl on his face.

Kageyama seemed confused. “What’s an oompa loompa…”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Violet Beauregarde,” Tsukishima said, chuckling, but neither of them got the reference. “Ugh, you idiots. You’ve never read a book, have you?”

“No,” Kageyama replied, without shame. “Anyway. Uh.”

“Very eloquent.”

“Tsukishima! Stop pestering him and let him think!”

“Oh, he can do that outside of the court?”

Kageyama scoffed. “Whatever, I was trying to find a way to be nice about it, but you are an asshole, either way. So: Yamaguchi is avoiding you.”

Tsukishima looked back at him and frowned. “He’s not.” Honestly, the thought was absurd. Yamaguchi, avoiding him? As if. “He just had to ask a ques-”

“Remember last week? When he stayed behind after practice to ask Coach a question, too?” Hinata interrupted.

“That was just-”

“Or when he overslept, on Wednesday,” Kageyama added.

“Or when he had to talk to Yachi in your last free period.”

“Or yesterday when he had to help the history teacher carry the exams.”

“Or when Shimada-san appeared randomly to treat him for ice cream.”

Tsukishima felt his blood run cold.

“Or-”

“Okay! I get it!” 

How had he not realized that suddenly Yamaguchi had so many other places to be? How had he not realized he was not as present in his life?

Maybe it was because part of him thought it was good? At least then he would not have to stand in front of Yamaguchi, constantly thinking in the back of his mind how easily it would be to just steal a kiss.

But now, now it hurt.

Hinata blinked at him. “So… what did you do?”

Tsukishima frowned at him. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Kageyama finished his milk. “Maybe you were mean without realizing.”

Oh god, no. He was not going to get interpersonal advice from Kageyama. “I’m not you.”

Hinata pursed his lips. “Has he been worried about anything in particular, lately?”

“He always is,” Tsukishima said, feeling just… stupid. Vulnerable. He did not like it. Not like this.

“He said ‘in particular. He meant-”

“Ugh, I don’t need you to teach me. Fine. I don’t know.”

“You… don’t know?” Hinata repeated, blinking.

“That’s what I just-”

Kageyama and Hinata exchanged one of their looks. Then Kageyama looked back at Tsukishima. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“How could I?” Tsukishima asked, frowning, because that hit a nerve.

And then-

“Isn’t he your soulmate?” asked Hinata.

-then he got the surprise that they had hit that nerve on purpose. 

Tsukishima slowly stood up. “Goodbye.”

“Wait! Tsukishima!” Hinata said, standing up as well. 

It was too late to stop him, however.

So not only was Yamaguchi ignoring him, but other people had thought they were soulmates. It hurt. It annoyed him. But mostly: both things seemed intrinsically related except he did not know how. He just had the feeling. But maybe he was just going crazy.

It was too much, too much, the world seemed to be falling to pieces in front of him. Certainties disappeared. 

What if he lost Yamaguchi?

He tried to make sense of it, but, in the end, he could not.

Thus, after class, he just sent a message to Yamaguchi: “You didn’t tell me. How did the conversation go?”

And Yamaguchi replied immediately. “Still have a lot of doubts!”

Tsukishima sighed. “Want to study at my place today? Maybe I can help you with those doubts.”

The answer took a bit. “Ah, sorry, I promised my mom I’d accompany her shopping.”

Liar.

The thought invaded him slowly, but then it became everything in his head. The worst echo, the scariest obsession. 

Liar, liar, liar.

It was terrifying, the disdain in it he knew himself very capable of. But for Yamaguchi? No, never.

It was so wrong and foreign and disgusting.

Tsukishima tried to battle his own thoughts by focusing on Yamaguchi’s good points, which was basically everything else. And yet, there was something pushing against that. 

He’s kind, he offered.

… too cowardly to be mean, he got back.  

No, he’s not. He can tease people.

Only when hiding behind someone else, it continued.

He’s scared, he has the right to be. He’s been bullied.

That was years ago.

No. No. It needed to stop.

But it did not, it did not.

It freaked him out in a way nothing had ever done. Not even Akiteru. One thing was not knowing who your brother was. But not knowing your own self? It was too much.

He needed some peace, but it did not stop. He needed reassurance, but the only person who could usually reassure him was the topic in his thoughts.

But if he was lying, which was the core of the issue… at least, at least it was facing the issue.

That wasn’t normal for Tsukishima. Facing the issue? Since when?

Well, since now, it seemed.

So he ran to Yamaguchi’s house, rang the bell with a determination that he normally did not have, for anything. But also, with fear. Whatever this was, it only became worse with each passing moment.

Yamaguchi opened the door, his eyes going round and terrified. Before he could close the door, Tsukishima put his hand on the doorframe. 

Yamaguchi stared at them. “Tsukki…” he said weakly. “I-”

“I don’t care if you lied!” he said, but his thoughts made him wonder if it was a lie of his own.

“I…” Yamaguchi stared for a moment. “I don’t want to talk.”

“No shit Yamaguchi, no wonder you are ignoring me,” he said, but his snark was frantic, and rather than his cold annoyance, it sounded panicked. “So, go on. Break my fingers if you really don’t want to talk.”

“What! Tsukki!” 

“It’s the only way I’m leaving.”

Yamaguchi gawked, before he started blinking slowly. “What’s gotten into you,” he said, very softly. It sounded tired.

“I have no idea.”

But you are the only one who can help me, he thought.

Yamaguchi flinched, and then shook his head. “Tsukki, I can’t, I… I really can’t.”

Tsukishima tapped his fingers on the doorframe. “Well, you know what you've got to do.”

Yamaguchi closed his eyes tightly. “Please, Tsukki. I don’t ask many things...”

“Neither do I, so. Tough.”

Yamaguchi buried his face in his hands and breathed heavily. For a moment, Tsukishima thought about just leaving. He did not want to see Yamaguchi in such a state. Or, rather, he wanted to soothe him if he did, but he was crap at that, so it was better if he just left. Stopped making it worse.

Yes, leave.

But if he did… it seemed like a point of no return.

What if I lose him?

Tsukishima flinched at the thought. Scowling, he looked away. 

“I can leave,” he offered, and Yamaguchi sighed in relief. “But first tell me what I did.”

Then, Yamaguchi looked at him with a surprised face. “What?”

“You are avoiding me, so I… did something, right?”

“Oh. Oh, right, that… makes sense.”

Tsukishima scoffed. “It does. Though it makes me furious because it was the two idiots that pointed it out to me.” He rolled his eyes and then looked at Yamaguchi for a moment. He could see a struggle in his face.

“You did nothing, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi muttered.

Tsukishima pursed his lips, fighting the word that was about to spill from his lips. “Then why?”

“I…” and then nothing.

“Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi shook his head, sighing. 

“Seriously, just tell me.”

Yamaguchi swallowed loudly. “I- you really didn’t-”

“ Liar, ” it came out. It came out and Yamaguchi recoiled. Tsukishima just could not keep it any longer. “Stop it. Stop…. Stop acting like that.”

Yamaguchi’s face contorted into something painful. Tsukishima knew that face even if he wished he did not: he was fighting back tears.

“Yamaguchi, just tell me and I’ll fix it.”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “It can’t be-”

“Fine!” Tsukishima said, far too loud. “Fine, if it can’t be fixed, don’t tell me! Whatever. Just… tell me we can still be friends!”

Yamaguchi had said something similar, years ago, after Akiteru. Right before breaking down. It had been the earnesty of his request that had saved their friendship. The honesty of everything Yamaguchi did and had done, and now he was lying.

And now, he was silent.

Tsukishima felt like puking. 

No.

“Yamaguchi-” he said weakly, voice absolutely on the verge of breaking. He was about to take back his words. He needed to. “You don-”

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, also very softly. “I don’t-”

No. No. No. 

“I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

Friends.

Who needed friends.

They were a waste of time. They were a complication. They were annoying. 

Who needed friends.

Who needed to invite someone to sleep at their house, who needed to wake up in the middle of the night by the other tripping with a chair on the way to the bathroom.

Who needed to buy gifts on birthdays.

Who needed to share his fries.

Who needed to comfort another.

Who needed to be comforted.

Who needed to be confronted.

Who needed friends.

Tsukishima had never wanted friends.

So it was time to give up on this too. Oh well.

Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi, whose whole body was shaking. He had gotten better at holding the tears in.

Had it not been for that, Tsukishima may have let his bitterness win over.

“Why?” Tsukishima insisted.

Yamaguchi gritted his teeth. “Tsukish-”

“Don’t you dare. ” Tsukishima interrupted, because he was not strong enough for that. “If you want to hurt me, break my fingers.”

“What the f-? No!”

“Then I’m staying, you heard me.”

And then, Yamaguchi hiccuped a bit. “Why do you care this much?!”

“Because it’s you.”

Because I lov-

“Stop it!!” Yamaguchi shrieked, hugging himself, and then holding his head, shaking it frantically. “Stop, stop, stop!!”

Tsukishima blinked. “It’s just the truth…”

“No! Not… not you. But…” Yamaguchi tugged on his own hair. 

Tsukishima waited for him to explain. He never did. “Yamaguchi?”

Am I going crazy ?

Tsukishima frowned. “Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi broke down crying.

I don’t want this, I don’t want this. 

Tsukishima stepped into the house, finally, closing the door behind him.

He sighed.

“I didn’t come here because I was angry. Not really.”

Yamaguchi just kept crying and shaking his head.

Tsukishima still knew he was listening. He leaned on the door and took a deep breath. “I came here because… I felt like I was going crazy.”

Yamaguchi’s crying stopped for a second.

Tsukishima felt he was onto something. “I mean, I kept thinking you were a liar but…”

Yamaguchi resumed crying.

“Are you angry at yourself?” Tsukishima asked, following a strange intuition.

Yamaguchi looked at him. Then nodded. 

“Because you lied to me?”

Another nod. Then, Yamaguchi opened his mouth. He closed it after.

“Why did you feel you had to?”

Despite the silence that followed his question, Tsukishima did not insist. The same intuition told him that Yamaguchi just needed to compose himself.

Yamaguchi finally exhaled slowly. “I just… my thoughts-”

Tsukishima blinked. Thoughts?

And then Yamaguchi shook his head. “No, it just sounds-”

“I don’t care if it sounds stupid. Or even insane. Just… tell me.”

Yamaguchi’s tears fell as he bit his lower lip. “It’s like I’m hearing things. When I’m with you.”

That… did not make sense. Except-

“What do you hear?” Tsukishima replied, straightening up.

Yamaguchi hesitated, his face growing strangely less pale. “Uh-”

“Please. Are they bad things?”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “No, they are not. It’s like… It’s actually… pretty good.”

Tsukishima bit his tongue. Oh no. Oh no. Not this. Not this suspicion again. There was only one way to prove it.

It meant speaking the unspeakable. 

He did not want to. He had never had to. It was not part of them. A companion in the silence. It was not what they did.

Yamaguchi resumed crying.

Tsukishima wanted the crying to stop, though. And saying the unsaid seemed the only way.

Intense moments.

“Yamaguchi… have you been hearing something like… that I’m-” he paused “that I’m in love with you?”

Yamaguchi looked up so quickly that Tsukishima did not need an answer.

And, really, he did not get it, because as soon as Yamaguchi followed with “H-how did you-?”, Tsukishima laughed, tiredly.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, clearly terrified.

“Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima muttered. “That’s my fault.”

Yamaguchi blinked. “Why would it-?”

“Because I am.”

Silence.

“No,” Yamaguchi whispered, then. “No, no, that can’t-”

“I am in love with you.”

Said.

“As a matter of fact, I think you are my soulmate.”

Spoken.

Yamaguchi had always, always loved Tsukishima. How could he not? He had had his crushes on the side, but ultimately they had meant nothing.

But he knew that it was not meant to be. Easy as that. If it were, it would have happened by now. 

So he had resigned himself to keep it quiet forever. He had prepared himself to be genuinely happy for Tsukishima once he found his soulmate. 

And he had prepared himself to try to love his own soulmate at least a little.

“Prematurely formed bounds have been proven to be unreliable and fragile,” in every book, in so many essays. Tsukishima had been so scared of it affecting him that he never wanted to think of what it meant.

But certainly there was nothing fragile about Yamaguchi when he looked up at Tsukishima, a new light of understanding on his eyes. When he basically threw himself into Tsukishima’s arms, there was nothing unreliable about the way Tsukishima hugged him like he had wanted to do for so long, clinging to him as if he could, would never let him go.

Tsukishima looked down at Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi looked up at him. They stayed like that for a while.

Yamaguchi laughed, softly, then. “Are you trying to tell me something, right now? With your mind? ” he teased, then sniffled.

“I was thinking that I wanted to kiss you,” he admitted. “But now I changed my mind.”

Yamaguchi laughed. “Why? I’m offended.”

“You’ve got snot on your nose. Probably don’t want that involved in my first kiss. Or any, for that matter.”

Yamaguchi smacked his arm playfully. “Fine, but I’m kissing the heck out of you afterwards.”

“I’m not opposed to that.”

They read, in a few places, that bonds could be trained, strengthened. 

“I think we know of some people that could help us,” Yamaguchi said, humming. 

“Hm?” Tsukishima asked. “I mean, basically the problem is that I’m not that ‘intense’, isn’t it?”

“Neither is-”

Before he spoke, Tsukishima realized what he meant. “Oh no. Fuck no.”

“Kageyama,” Yamaguchi finished, with a playful grin.

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.”

“I’ll consider it. But I don’t see why we would want to hear more of each other thoughts. It freaked us out at first, for starters. Also, our problem was relying too much on that, wasn’t it?”

“Your problem.”

“Fine, my problem. But the point still stands.”

Yamaguchi hummed. “I just think it might help us control it. I mean, they must know how to shut it out, right? Otherwise, Kageyama wouldn’t be able to have his own though- Don’t say it!” 

“Does he? Have his own thoughts?” Tsukishima added, with a grin.

“Tsukki!”

The freak duo enjoyed being asked for help way too much. But Tsukishima had to -reluctantly- admit it helped eventually. 

Some things need to be said.

“Tsukki, you don’t have to ask,” Yamaguchi said, grinning down at his boyfriend.

“Humor me. After all, I did the whole getting down on one knee.”

“I’m surprised you did, honestly. Who helpe-”

“A mixture of Bokuto, Kuroo, Hinata, Akiteru and Akaashi.”

Yamaguchi whistled. “That’s a lot of people.”

“I wanted it to go well.”

“I guess I’m not helping with that.”

“Not a lot. Can you answer? The ground is cold.”

“Of course, Tsukki. Of course I will.”

Some things are just nice to hear.