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It was easy to miss, if you didn't know it was there. Just outside a cluster of trees, beneath what appeared to be a sharp cliff with nothing but the valley and grass below. But if you dared to walk right to the edge you would find it, like a reward for your bravery, a smaller cliff, maybe five feet long and twice as wide. It wasn't much to speak of, just a patch of rough dry dirt, a secluded spot with a breathtaking view of the canyon and a hint of the city to the left. A perfect hiding place, where you could see but not be seen.
That's where Adam took Kris after three months. Three months of unwashed hair and raggy sweatpants. Three months of sitting on the couch and staring dazedly into space. Three months of hiding. It was time, Adam thought, to remind him of the outside world, and remind him that it wasn't all bad.
Kris had known something was up as soon as he saw Adam that morning. Even on his dressed down days, when he was trying to avoid the paparazzi, Adam looked like...well, like Adam. Hard to hide a sparkling six-foot tall star. Today though, he could tell Adam had put real effort into blending in. Jeans and a white t-shirt, a plain zip-up sweatshirt on top, sneakers, hair tucked behind his ears, not even a trace of make-up. With shades on, he was almost impossible to recognize. For most people, getting dressed up was a big deal; for Adam, it was the opposite. And the idea that today was some kind of big deal had just made Kris want to crawl inside Adam's soft gray hoodie and take a nap.
"Amazing, isn't it?" Adam said, a little breathless as he helped Kris climb down.
"It's..." Kris searched for the right words to describe it. "It's crazy. How did you find this place?"
Adam took a seat, his back pressed against the ledge of the higher cliff, and gently pulled Kris down beside him.
"There was a time," he began "when I was really lonely, and completely sick of this city. I kept going for these long, depressing walks, trying to figure shit out. And one day, I walked through the trees and came to this edge, and here it was." Adam shrugged. "It's where I come when I want to be alone, without being lonely."
Kris wasn't normally scared of heights, but something about the view, about sitting so close to the edge of a steep drop, and the sky so wide and open above them was overwhelming. He felt a chill go down his spine.
"So," Adam said. "I thought you should see this, before you made up your mind."
Kris was silent for a moment, staring straight ahead. "I guess that means you talked to my mom."
"We talk every week," Adam said, dismissively. Kris already knew that, but Adam was stalling for time, gathering his best argument. "She told me yesterday that you were thinking about it." Adam waited for Kris to respond, then spoke again when he didn't. "I wish you had told me."
"It was just an idea," Kris said softly. "I thought maybe a change of scenery..."
"Okay. Here's the thing," Adam said, taking a deep breath and turning to face Kris. "I know you didn't talk to me about it for a reason, and I think it's because you know I'd try to convince you not to do it."
He saw the corner of Kris's mouth turn up in a slight smile, but Kris didn't look his way.
"And you were right. Don't do it. Don't go back to Arkansas." Kris finally turned to look at him, his face resigned, exhausted. "I know why you think it might help, but I don't think it will."
"It's home," Kris said simply.
"Do you really believe that? Still?"
"Well, it's more home than this," Kris said, gesturing around them, towards the glimpse of the city, the buildings and streets beyond.
"Look," Adam said, "I know this city sucks sometimes, it's full of assholes and everyone's fake and wants something from you. But that's just the surface. That's why I wanted to show you this. There's more here than that. And I don't mean the view...I mean, something peaceful, something real. Yeah, some things are fucked up here, and some people are too, but...just because it's not easy, it's not always safe, doesn't mean it doesn't have more to offer. Maybe that's why it does. And if you go back, it's going backwards. And won't it be even worse with Katy--"
"She's traveling most of the time now," Kris cut him off quickly, trying not to stiffen at the sound of her name. "That play she's in is touring."
"I know," Adam smiled gently. "I'm friends with the director, remember? I just mean all the memories. I just...don't want you to run away from this. At least consider it, and if you decide it's still best to go back to Arkansas, I'll help you pack again and I promise to come visit and let you take me to the county fair or the peach blossom festival or whatever is coming up next. Just think about it? Okay, this is the end of my tough love speech for today."
Kris nodded, laying his head down on Adam's shoulder. "I'm just sad. All the time. I don't want to be anymore."
Adam sighed, and put his arm around Kris, pulling him even closer. They were close enough that he could whisper, and Kris could still hear his words above the slight wind, could feel his warm breath.
"I know it's not the same, but when I was sad, I used to come out here and look up at the sky. And just knowing that it was the same sky, the same trees, that same smell of the grass...all those things were the same when I was happy. It doesn't make much sense, but it made me feel better, like someday I could be happy again."
"I used to do that, when I was a kid," Kris mumbled over a yawn, his eyes beginning to close. "I was always itchin to see new places, to get out. I'd lie on the grass in our backyard at night and look up at the sky, and it blew my mind, it was the same sky somebody in Africa or New York was lookin up at. Never thought I'd get to see those places myself."
Adam could tell by his breathing that Kris was half asleep. He felt Kris shiver in the breeze, and unzipped his sweatshirt and laid it over Kris like a blanket.
"If you're looking for peace," he whispered "I think you can find it here too."
When Kris woke sometime later, the sun was beginning to set. A brilliant reddish gold light danced between the trees. He rubbed his eyes, willing himself awake to watch.
"It's beautiful" Adam said, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Kris' temple.
"Yeah," Kris whispered back. "It is."
"This really is not necessary," Kris said, but allowed himself to be pulled along by the shirtsleeve anyway.
"Yes, my friend, I'm afraid it is. I'm aware that you've stopped looking in mirrors, and have somehow managed to avoid all reflective surfaces, but the rest of us still have to look at you, you know."
"Gee, thanks buddy," Kris said with a wry smile. "Way to build the newly divorced guy's self-esteem, tell him how ugly he is."
"Oh please, you know you're gorgeous, it's just...hidden right now. There are literal holes in your clothing," Adam said. As if to prove his point, he looped his finger through a hole on the back of Kris's shirt, just below his neck, and used it to pull him into a store. "And they're not even in fun places. You could also use a haircut and a shave, but, first things first, my favorite...clothes!"
"I guess I could use some new stuff," Kris said, glancing around. There was a lot of plaid, and tables and tables full of graphic t-shirts. And he thought he saw some Converse towards the back. He'd lost enough weight in the past few months to need a belt with every pair of pants he owned, which was at least part of the reason he'd resorted to wearing drawstring sweatpants daily. Might be nice to have another option.
"I used to love this store when I was a kid," Adam said, holding a candle up to smell and glancing through the aisles of books on everything from sex positions to Wiccan love spells.
A few minutes later he looked up from the book he had been glancing through, a cookbook filled solely with cupcake recipes, to find Kris standing in front of him, two tees and a sweatshirt in hand.
"Are you joking?" Adam asked, a curious smile on his lips.
"What?" Kris said, shrugging.
"Did Katy buy all your clothes?" Adam asked casually, heading for the jeans section. He knew they were talking again, not often, but the occasional friendly phone call to catch up. He figured it was safe to mention her name without Kris flinching.
"No, I'm not five." Kris said with a pout, looking very much like a five year old. "I just don't care about clothes. I'd be fine with a Hanes five pack."
"No problem!" Adam said smiling brightly. "That is why I'm here. Come on, I swear this will be painless, I've become a pro at speed shopping. Gotta get in and out before you get recognized."
"Before you get recognized, you mean," Kris said with a chuckle. "I've been wandering around this store for ten minutes and no one's looked my way."
"Hmmm" Adam hummed as he began sifting through a pile of shirts, but didn't mention that since they'd walked in the door he'd seen at least three guys give Kris the once over, and then do it again for good measure. He might not have to wear the hat, hood and shades Adam was currently sporting to avoid being recognized, but even in his ratty old clothes, looking like he hadn't bathed in days, Kris was always noticed. Especially in a fucking Urban Outfitters in WeHo.
"Okay, all done!" Adam called out a few minutes later.
"Done?" Kris looked hopeful. He had been following Adam through the store, occasionally picking up an item here and there, and expressing his distaste for a few of the more outlandish things Adam had picked out. "Really?"
"Yes, see how painless this was? Now we just have to try on, but that's the fun part."
Kris groaned but dutifully walked towards the dressing rooms.
Adam had a system to trying on clothes. He made a mental list of possible outfits, ways to mix and match, what shoes Kris would need to buy, how his hair should be styled depending on the shirt. Kris was fascinated by the process. He'd gone shopping with Katy enough times to know how boring he found the whole thing, even when the clothes were for him. But for some reason, with Adam, today it was...kind of fun. Maybe because this place really was his style, and Katy was usually trying to get him to try something different. Or maybe it was just nice to slip on something new, something clean and fresh and that fit.
Pretty soon he had a pile of "yes" clothes twice as big as his "no" pile, including a couple of animal-print button downs Adam insisted on.
"See," Adam said, when Kris had on the last potential outfit, a simple olive green button down and black trousers. It was probably a little tighter than he would have picked out for himself, but looked decent enough and would work if he needed to go to a party or event where jeans wouldn't cut it. His label had been kind enough to leave him alone for the past four months, and let the rumors and gossip about the divorce take care of keeping his name in the press, but they were starting to get antsy. They would probably send Adam a fruit basket if they knew he was getting Kris to look human again.
Adam stood behind him, looking over his shoulder as he smoothed Kris's lapel and adjusted his collar. "See?" he said again, leaning down to rest his chin on Kris's shoulder. "Not ugly at all. Just needed a little change."
"Yeah," Kris said meeting Adam's gaze in the reflection. Suddenly he leaned up and behind, pressing a kiss to Adam's cheek. He looked down a moment later, inexplicably self-conscious. He had no problems undressing in front of Adam, didn't feel strange modeling clothes for him; he'd never been embarrassed about how affectionate they were. Why a kiss to say thanks made him feel awkward, he couldn't figure out.
But when he looked back up, into the mirror, and saw Adam's wide smile, he felt fine again. Adam wrapped his arms around Kris and grinned. "Yeah," he said. "Now, about that haircut."
"Okay, you were right. This is kind of amazing," Kris said gaping up at the domed sky, filled with twinkling stars.
"I know right? It's so fucking cool." Adam laughed, reclining his seat halfway. "Teach you to doubt me."
"Alright, but come on, last week? That was not such a fun field trip."
"Hardly my fault," Adam said petulantly. "Nostradamus could not have foreseen that horror. What kind of petting zoo butchers their own animals?"
"The kind that's a farm," Kris laughed as Adam shuddered at the memory. "I could have told you that. You forget I'm country folk. I guess watching you find a new home for the 5 little piggies you couldn't bear to see become bacon was kinda fun."
"Yes, well their website was full of fluffy bunnies and horses. Obviously false advertising. From now on only sticking to tried and true activities."
They stopped talking for a moment as the ceiling turned dark blue, the stars disappearing. The show was about to start.
"Isn't there usually an announcer to go along with this? So you know what's happening up there?" Kris whispered as he heard the opening notes to Pink Floyd's "Astronomy Domine."
"Yes," Adam whispered back. "But I thought it would be more fun this way. Who wants to learn on their day off? Besides I've seen this show a thousand times, I can narrate it for you if you want"
"You spend a lot of time at planetariums?" Kris wondered aloud, not really expecting an answer. He felt like no matter how long he knew Adam, he was always learning something new about him.
"Damn straight," Adam grinned. "Don't tell me it's your first time?" he asked, with a raised eyebrow.
"Very funny," Kris rolled his eyes. "Nah, I almost saw a show once, back in middle school, but Daniel kinda ruined it for me."
"Story?" Adam said, half sitting up to listen, giving Kris his full attention.
"Typical Daniel. There were some high school kids in front of us, making out before the darn thing even started. And I don't know, that kinda thing embarrassed me when I was a kid--"
"Awww, how cute were you? Homely little teenage Kris."
"Hey, hey let's not get started trash talkin, I've seen your high school pictures too."
"Agreed," Adam nodded emphatically. "We both had our caterpillar phases before we turned into gorgeous butterflies."
Kris laughed. "Anyway, Daniel was teasin me about it, and I got up to find another seat to get away from him, but the place was packed, practically the whole school was there, including Susie, this girl I kinda liked. So I get back to my seat and..."
"And...?"
Kris shook his head, smiling a little at the memory. "Daniel had been saving his allowance for a while, to buy something special he wouldn't tell me about. Turns out, it was one of those whoopee cushions, the kind they sell in the back of comics? So I get back to my seat, and, of course the place turned dead silent right before I sat down so everybody heard it. The whole place was crackin up, and Daniel made sure they knew where it was coming from. I ran outta there before the show started. Begged my parents to move. Or send Daniel to boarding school. I would have been fine with either."
"I suddenly have a new appreciation for Neil." Adam laughed, despite himself. That did sound like something Daniel would do. "But now I see it was fate that brought us here. Everyone should experience this at least once in their life." Adam sighed. "I love the stars. And astronomy and astrology. All of it. Anyway, I used to come here when I was younger, and that's how I became friends with Bill, the manager. Now whenever I wanna be alone, I come here."
"And he just lets you have the whole place to yourself?"
"Bill understands the pressure of fame," Adam said in a mock dramatic voice. "I think he might have a little crush on me too. It's cute."
Before Kris could respond, the sky above them exploded, lights flashing brilliantly. The Big Bang Kris assumed. It actually worked perfectly with the music Adam had chosen. Leave it to Adam to improve on Mother Nature.
They sat in rapt silence, watching the beams of light dance above. Kris had to resist a sudden crazy urge to hold Adam's hand. It was just sitting there, next to him, not looking any more in need of holding than it usually did. But it seemed like a hand-holding moment.
"You know, you don't have to keep doing this." Kris whispered, still looking up at the birth of the solar systems.
"And you don't have to keep whispering." Adam said, whispering loudly himself. "What do you mean though? Doing what?"
"This." Kris gestured around him.
"I just want to give you the world, baby," Adam said in a mock drawl, turning to wink at Kris. "Don't you like it?"
"I just mean, treating me like a tourist who's leaving town in a week. Showing me the sights. The fishing trip? The boat show? The time we drove out to Roswell to see if we could find the UFO's--okay maybe you were actually into that one. But a petting zoo, really?"
"I have widely varied interests," Adam huffed. "And it was fun! Well not that last one so much, but it's hard finding places to go and not have the paps descend upon us. I might have been getting a little desperate there."
"See, that's what I'm talking about," Kris' said, his voice unintentionally raised. "You don't have to worry so much. About keeping me distracted. I'm doing a lot better now, in case you hadn't noticed."
Adam stared at him, smile gone, the silver and blue lights from above illuminating his face. "I noticed," he said finally, turning away. "Maybe I'm just enjoying it? We both have more free time now, we're both single...maybe I just like hanging out with you. We haven't had a chance to do this kinda thing in years."
"I know. And I know I wasn't a lot of fun right after the..." Kris faltered, stumbling over his words. "I mean, I'm having fun too. And I love you for doing all this, don't get me wrong. I just...feel like I'm stealing you from your other friends."
"You gettin sick of me Allen?" Adam said with a grin, trying to lighten the mood. "Don't worry, next outing in the "Save Kris Allen" program will be a group effort. But, just remember it was your idea."
Kris smiled and rolled his eyes, looking back up at the sky. Something fascinating was taking place, but he had no idea what it was. "What is this?" he wondered out loud.
"My favorite part is coming up soon," Adam was practically squealing with excitement as the sky turned to black. It was, Kris decided, completely adorable. "The creation of Earth."
"Hey," Kris whispered after a moments pause, searching for Adam's face in the sudden darkness. "Thank you. For everything. I mean it."
"My pleasure," Adam whispered back through the darkness. Kris could hear the rustle of Adam's hair against the seat, as he turned back to watch the still black sky.
Kris gave up trying to see, and just reached out his hand, feeling for Adam's. He curled their fingers together, and felt Adam move closer to him, without hesitation. After the divorce, after it was final and there was no going back, he worked so hard at being numb that he forgot how good it felt to be happy. He suddenly felt a rush of gratitude, that Adam was his friend, that he was willing to do all this for him without ever asking for anything in return, even when Kris was a trial to be around. He had never really given it much thought before, the easy give and take of affection between them. But now, sitting in the darkness, he was just happy he could reach out and hold Adam's hand, and never be made to feel strange for it.
Suddenly, the sky was lit up with colors, dancing, blues and greens. The room was bright with the light of it, so bright he could see Adam gasp, could see his excitement, his wide smile. Kris just watched him for a moment, tightening his fingers around Adam's, letting himself have this moment of joy, the first he'd had in a long time, before turning back to the sky, and the beginning of the world.
It wasn't really his kind of place, a little too loud, a little too much dancing. But Kris figured it was low-key compared to what Adam was used to, so relatively speaking it could have been much worse.
"You wanted a group night out, you didn't say with who or where," Adam had practically purred.
Kris didn't mind the club, a pretty typical gay club in WeHo. He didn't bother to tell Adam that he'd actually been there before. It was just once, and it wasn't for very long, but Adam was so damn impressed with himself for the idea that Kris didn't want to spoil his fun. And really, those days felt like a different life, when the ring on his finger was like a shield, or at least an excuse that worked to fend off all but the most persistent. It was a long time now since he'd taken that ring off.
Somehow he'd been talked into letting Adam pick out his clothes. It didn't actually take much convincing, he had to admit, really just a smile and a "Please please please I promise no leather pants," and he was sold.
Before he knew it, Kris was dressed in a pair of pants so tight he was sure he wouldn’t be able to sit down in them. Sure, he'd gained back a little bit of the weight he'd lost right after the divorce, once he started working out again, but these pants left nothing to the imagination. They had to be Brad's. They were exactly the right length but about two sizes too small, and even though they at first appeared to be plain dark gray, on closer inspection he was sure they sparkled. He drew the line at the mesh tank top Adam had held up excitedly for him, and insisted on a plain black t-shirt. It was, of course, also insanely tight, and had a tiny logo of a unicorn on the bottom, but at least, Kris reasoned, it wasn't see-through.
Adam insisted on doing his make-up since Kris had, as he put it, "ruined the entire outfit I had planned for you by refusing to embrace your inner exhibitionist." Sitting on the edge of Adam's sink while Adam carefully applied liquid eyeliner was actually kind of fun. Kris never minded the makeup chair during tour, it was so easy to zone out. And Adam had wanted to do this for so long, and his excitement was contagious.
"No lipstick," Kris insisted.
"Settle down, it's just a little gloss. Shiny is always better."
"Whatever, it's gonna be off in ten minutes anyway"
"Oh reallllly," Adam trilled. "Planning on smoochin on some strangers tonight are we?"
"Funny." Kris said, frowning. "I meant because of my drink."
"I know I know. Although, girls do go to gay clubs too you know."
"I don't plan on kissing anyone Adam." Kris was a little surprised by how forceful his words sounded. Not like he couldn't kiss someone, if he wanted to. It had been almost 9 months since the divorce, over a year since Katy had moved out.
"I didn't mean anything by it," Adam said quietly. He finished applying the rest of Kris's makeup in silence.
"All done," he said a moment later. Kris hopped down and turned to the mirror to inspect Adam's handywork. "What do you think?"
Kris smiled at his reflection. It wasn't all that different from his tour makeup, the usual foundation and blush, except for his eyes. Adam had really gone to town there. It was...interesting. It felt a little like Halloween, like he was borrowing someone else’s life for the night.
"It's cool," he responded enthusiastically. "I hope I can pull it off."
"Oh, you pull it off," Adam said, putting the finishing touches on his own makeup. "You'll be the Belle of the Ball tonight."
Kris wasn't sure if Adam had been joking, but it kind of turned out to be true. It was probably just because he was a new face in a place full of regulars. Fresh meat and all that. Or maybe it had something to do with his insanely tight pants. Either way, every time he walked across the dance floor he felt like he was walking into an orgy. Hands grabbing at him, trying to pull him into a dance, sliding over his chest suggestively, occasionally dipping down over his ass. He was drunk enough to find it amusing more than anything else.
Adam was holding court in a VIP balcony. True to his word, tonight was a group outing. More like an entourage really, with a bunch of Adam's wilder friends.
It's not that Kris didn't like them. They were all a lot of fun, and nothing but nice to him, but he never felt completely comfortable around them. They were just always on. And Adam was...being friends with Adam this long, Kris learned he had a lot of different sides. And it's not that Kris didn't like this side of Adam, it was just, when he was around these friends, things got really...loud. Sometimes it felt like a competition for who could be the loudest, the most outrageous. He didn't mind it, it just wasn't really his idea of fun.
But the last thing Kris wanted to do was make Adam feel like he had to babysit him, or that Kris couldn't have fun on his own, especially since Kris had practically demanded he start hanging out with his other friends more. So after a couple of drinks, Kris descended to the first floor.
"Going to hang with the plebes!" one of Adam's friends had jokingly bellowed as he walked away. The guy was wearing a gold jumpsuit full of holes in places that made it hard for Kris to look at anywhere other than his face. "They're gonna eat you alive down there cupcake!"
Adam had hushed him, but he must have thought there was something to it, as he tried to get Kris to stay. When Kris said he just wanted to walk around a bit, Adam shrugged and let him go.
That's how Kris ended up making the rounds through the bar by himself, trying to be friendly, or at least trying not to look like the anti-social hermit he’d been for the past few months. He mostly ended up going back and forth between the bar and the bathroom, stuck somewhere between trying not to get too drunk and knowing it would be more fun if he did.
He had been on his way back from one of those trips, cursing his tiny bladder, when he found himself manhandled into a corner, in an almost gentle manner, by a tall, muscular blond guy.
"You are way too cute," the guy slurred, rubbing Kris's arm. "Lemme buy you a drink."
Kris wasn't much good at saying no to people, especially people who wanted to do something nice for him. But the guy was standing, or swaying actually, a little too close, and he could smell the whiskey on his breath. Kris started to feel a little dizzy; maybe he was drunker than he'd realized. The guy was leaning in, trying to talk over the music but Kris couldn't hear him.
"Mike," he yelled. "My name. You are so tiny."
"Um." Kris said. "Thanks Mike. I should get back--"
"I know you, though," Mike tilted his head and leaned closer. "Did we fuck? Or was that just in my dreams. Come on, how do I know you?"
"Don't think you do, Mike." Kris found himself kind of amused by the guy. He always found happy drunks a little endearing.
But Mike just leaned in closer, grinding his hips against Kris, leaning his mouth down towards Kris' ear, practically pinning him to the wall. Over Mike's shoulder Kris could see the VIP area where Adam was already on his feet, bounding down the stairs towards them.
Shit, Kris thought, a little pissed. I can take care of myself.
Mike was starting to nuzzle at his neck, which, actually felt kinda nice. It had been a long time since...but Kris kept himself from leaning into it, and pushed Mike away firmly.
"Sorry Mike, not interested."
Mike swayed before him for a moment, confused. He was a good looking guy. Probably not used to being turned down.
"Whatever," he said with a sneer, walking straight into Adam as he stalked away. Adam shoved against him, harder than necessary, Kris thought. Mike took a look at Adam, back at Kris, apparently decided the whole thing wasn't worth it and headed straight for the bar.
"You didn't have to come down here." Kris snapped, twisting his body away from Adam and walking towards the exit. He stopped when he got to the dimly lit entryway. It was empty, but Adam was right behind him.
"Yeah well, this isn't really your scene. Why don't you come upstairs with us? No one will grope you up there, I promise."
"I think I'm just gonna go."
"What?" Adam said. "Come on, it was just one drunk guy. Why don't you--Oh."
"These goddamn pants," Kris muttered, sitting down on a small bench near the exit, futilely attempting to pull his shirt down low enough to cover himself.
Adam tried not to laugh as he sat down next to him. "Oh, baby. Trust me, you are not the first straight guy to pop a boner in here. It happens, it's just the physical contact. Nothing to be ashamed of. Half the guys in there have hard-ons and the other half wish they did."
Kris just shook his head. He didn't blush easily, but he could feel his face burning up.
Adam playfully bumped his shoulder. "Do you know how many times this has happened to me. While on stage. While on live television?"
"It's different," Kris mumbled.
"No it's not. It's only embarrassing if you let it be. Come on, dicks are great, you should be proud. And everyone in there would greatly appreciate it, particularly because those pants fit you so well."
"Why were you coming to save me?" Kris asked suddenly. "What if I didn't want you to?"
"I know, I know you can take care of yourself, you work out, blah blah blah." Adam was starting to get annoyed, his buzz wearing off. "I just know how these guys are. Sometimes getting them to stop requires assistance. A buddy system."
"What if I didn't want him to stop.” It was a statement, not a question.
"I...I don't know," Adam stuttered.
They sat in silence, growing more sober as the minutes ticked by.
"So what are you saying..." Adam finally broke the silence. "I mean are you...how long have you...are you sure? Or are you just...I mean..." Kris took some small satisfaction in Adam's loss for words. It took a lot to shock someone like Adam.
"I don't know. I'm still kind of figuring it out."
Adam turned to face him. "Is this why you and Katy broke up? Did you always suspect it, or is this something new? Or are you bi? Or...just curi--just considering?"
Kris let out a low whistle. "Which one of those you want me to answer first?" He suddenly felt exhausted.
"Shit, Kris," Adam snapped. "It's kind of a fucking bomb you dropped on me."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you like this."
"But you were planning on telling me, right? You weren't just going to start hooking up with some random guy at a bar so I'd get the message? I mean you knew we were coming to a gay bar and you didn't think to warn me or--"
"I didn't hook up with that guy, and yes, I was going to tell you. I haven't told anyone yet. I haven't even figured out what it is yet. But I sure didn't think you'd be mad."
"I'm not mad," Adam said quickly. Then, his voice softer, "no. I'm sorry. I was just shocked. Maybe we should go.”
He stood up, and glanced down at Kris. "I mean if you're...okay to go now."
Kris chuckled, still a little embarrassed "I'm okay to go now."
They stepped outside into the brisk night air. Kris walked to the street to hail a cab, while Adam texted the group inside. He shivered in his thin t-shirt, realizing he'd left his coat in Cassidy's car. Shit. He was too exhausted to even think about going back for it now. Not falling down was taking all his energy.
Adam walked up next to him, and wrapped his arms around him, pulling Kris under his...cape-like thing. Kris wasn't sure quite what it was, Adam's outfits were often confusing, but it was warm and cozy. Kris leaned against him, letting Adam hold him up and gently guide him into the backseat of a cab. Once they were inside, Kris resumed his spot on Adam’s shoulder.
"I'm sorry I kinda freaked out," Adam whispered, resting his lips just above Kris's ear. "It's gonna be okay. We'll figure this out."
"Is it here? Is it, is it?" Adam was all smiles, dropping his duffel bag in the entryway and grabbing Kris in a bear hug.
Kris laughed. "Nice to see you too, welcome home."
They hadn't spoken about it, but Kris had pretty much moved in. He kept a small studio, the same one he'd rented after the divorce when he couldn't stand to be in the apartment he'd lived in with Katy. It was nice, Adam had to admit, to have someone there when he came home, especially when he was traveling so much. Adam had already started a promotion tour for his newest album, while Kris was just beginning to record his. He had lost so much time, just sitting on a couch feeling sorry for himself. It was probably necessary, in the long run, but a year later, it was was hard for him to remember why.
"Sorry I'm just excited that it's here!"
"Yes, they brought it this morning. Why didn't you tell me you bought a piano? I almost had it sent back!"
"I wanted it to be a surprise," Adam sang out. "I was hoping I'd be here when it came, stupid delayed flight. But ooooh look at it, it's so pretty!"
It was a simple upright, with a dark cherry wood finish and long wooden bench. Adam's house was spacious, but there wasn't nearly enough room for a grand. But it was beautiful, Kris agreed. He’d never had a new piano. He had a keyboard in his apartment, and a baby grand he used to practice on back in Arkansas, whenever he'd get a chance. But it was a million years old, and always out of tune.
"Did you try it out?" Adam had that look he got when he was really excited about something, like a kid in a toy store. It was one of Kris' favorites. Not that he had a ranking system for Adam's faces or anything.
"It's not mine!" Kris said, not mentioning that he’d been tempted. "I assumed you'd want to break it in yourself. Though, I am curious. Did you learn to play while you were in New York for three days?"
"Funny." Adam sat down on the wooden bench, pulling his long blazer out from under him with a dramatic flair, like a pianist about to play a concerto. Kris wouldn’t be surprised if he'd planned his outfit that morning just to pull off that move. He sat down next to Adam, itching to touch the keys.
"Actually, I was hoping you could teach me." Adam said, fingers hovering above the shiny ivory.
"Oh, I'm really not that good.” Kris felt like a dog in front of a tray of cupcakes, just waiting for Adam to finally connect with the keys. “You'd probably be better off getting a real piano teacher."
"Hmmmm." Adam hummed, padding his fingers on the keys, but not pushing down. "Probably, but you're free."
"Adam if you don't play this damn thing already I'm gonna kill you. I've been sitting here staring at it for two hours, dying to try it out."
Adam laughed and turned until he was facing Kris, long legs straddling the bench. "Go ahead. Play me a song."
"Really?" Kris was embarrassed by the high pitch of his voice, but he couldn't help his excitement. It was a brand new musical toy, which just happened to be his favorite kind. "You suck for messin with me, but since it's your piano I'll let you make the first request."
"I want to hear...November Rain. I mean, if you know it."
"If I know it," Kris huffed.
Adam watched Kris' hands dancing over the keys, and started to hum along. It was one of his all time favorite songs, melancholy but intense in a way that stirred him.
"This needs a guitar," Kris said laughing as Adam attempted to sing the wails of Slash's guitar solo.
"Okay, now you've broken her in, I want you to teach me how to—“
"Her?" Kris wondered aloud, fingers still lightly dancing over the keys, playing random chords.
"Yes. Her name is Betty."
"So," Kris said, his voice aiming for casual. "My parents visited while you were away. Hope you don't mind, they stayed here too.”
"Of course not," Adam said, surprised. "You didn't mention they were coming to town."
"It was kind of a surprise trip. Well, not a surprise so much as last minute. I called them up the day after you left and asked them to come. Said it was important."
Adam waited for Kris to continue, a knot forming in his stomach.
Kris continued his light tapping on the keys. "So now they know."
Adam was practically holding his breath while Kris was silent. Finally he asked "And? Did it go...well?"
Kris shrugged. "It was okay, I guess. I think they were shocked. Not quite as shocked as you were." Kris laughed, turning to face Adam. "They didn't come right out and say they suspected, but I guess...maybe they thought it was a possibility, after Katy and I split up. My dad cried. Then I cried. They were pretty honest, you know, they didn't really want this for me, but they said they loved me no matter what and would be there, whatever I decided to do. There was a lot of hugging involved."
Adam let out the breath he'd been holding for the last few moments. "That's amazing Kris. Really."
"You think so?" He asked, tinkling with the piano again.
"I really do. I mean, your parents were always amazing to me, but you just never know how people are going to react when it's their own family, you know? But I knew they’d have too much love to ever let anything get in the way of that."
"You know what's funny?" Kris asked, ignoring the sudden flush of heat to his neck. "One of the reasons they weren't blown away by it, they thought you and me were together now. Especially since I’ve been staying here so much, they thought I asked them to come so we could announce that."
"Oh." Adam said. He contemplated it for a moment. "You know, it makes a lot of sense actually. We've been spending so much time together the past few months, and I know when I talk to your mom she's already heard half the stories I want to tell her. We are together a lot. I can see where they'd get the wrong impression. And, not that they read that trash, but all the gossip rags seem to think it too."
"Hmmm," Kris replied, not agreeing but not disagreeing either.
Kris had become far more comfortable frequenting the gay bars nearby, though he hadn't let Adam pick out his clothes since that fateful night out, preferring his old standby of a plaid shirt and jeans. He'd even shared a few drunken kisses with men whose last names he hadn't bothered to learn. It was about as wild as Kris Allen would ever get. And by some miracle, none of it had ever been caught on film. His label had expected a shitstorm of press, but instead of blazing out of the closet to the flashing lights of paparazzi, Kris had casually stepped out with a wave and a smile, one hand in his pocket.
Except for the fact that the entire world seemed to think he and Adam were an item. It was nothing new, really, they'd been implying that since the divorce, back when Kris was comatose and his sweatpants had practically fused with his skin. Back when Adam stopped going to so many parties, and started spending more nights at Kris's place, forcing him to come back to life. It was kinda mind blowing for Kris, looking back. He'd taken over Adam's life, without ever meaning to.
And now even his parents were bringing it up, and he had a feeling his record label was hoping it was true. Not only did the public seem to eat it up, but two celebrities was always a good deal, and they were a little afraid Kris might start dating some random bartender or schoolteacher. Not nearly as interesting a story. Kris had to laugh at the turnaround. A year ago they were panicking over his divorce, unsure how to market him without a wholesome wife. He was grateful they'd stuck by him, but Hollywood still confused the hell out of him.
"It's been over a year," Adam said gently, interrupting Kris' reverie. "Don't you think maybe it's time? I know you don't want a big coming out announcement or anything, and I respect that, but you can't stay single forever. It would be a crime against nature, not to mention the thousands of gorgeous men anxiously awaiting the chance to wine and dine you."
"You tellin me I have to date thousands of men now?" Kris asked with a wry smile.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Adam chastised.
"What about you? It's been...three months since the last one, what was his name again?"
"You know his name was Mark you little shit," Adam elbowed him in the ribs. "And actually I have a date this week. A third date, no less."
Kris tried to keep the surprise out of his voice. "Oh? I didn't know you were seeing somebody."
"That's because it's brand spankin new and I don't wanna jinx it. His name's Alex, and he's completely adorable. He plays the violin, he was actually in the orchestra we used on this album. Anyway, I wouldn't call it anything other than a date just yet. And, speaking of dates," Kris recognized the evil glint in Adam's eyes and felt a familiar sense of dread. “You’re going to have one too."
"No no no no no--"
Adam began talking louder and faster over Kris's objections. "Yes yes yes yes yes. Just give him a chance! He's a really nice guy and it's just a date for fucks sake."
Kris struck a dramatic final chord, then sighed for effect. "Alright; one date."
Adam had been not so subtly bringing up the idea of setting him up with someone for a few weeks now and apparently resistance was futile. Maybe he was right. Maybe they were too co-dependent. Kris figured it was at least part of why things hadn't worked out with Mark (whose name he did, in fact, remember). It wasn't really fair to Adam, and at the same time, the thought of Adam meeting someone new and leaving him behind was terrifying. Kris took that as a sign that it was time to move on, before he started to become an obligation instead of a friend.
"Fantastic!" Adam squealed, clapping his hands. "His name is Justin, and he'll be picking you up at 8 on Thursday."
Kris laughed at Adam’s enthusiasm. He had been so confident Kris would say yes. Or maybe he was just eager to distract him, again. The thought nagged at Kris, left him feeling unsettled. Maybe a little space, a little distance, and some new people in their lives would be a good thing for their friendship.
Adam seemed blissfully unaware of the storm of thoughts raging in Kris' head. "So, I have exactly one hour before I have to start getting ready for my date. What can I learn in that amount of time?"
Kris shook off his nagging doubts, and took Adam's hands in his, gently placing each long finger in its proper position over the keys.
"We are going to start with an exciting song called C Major Scale."
Kris had never been one for long phone calls. People who didn’t know him thought he was quiet, but the truth was, he loved being around people. Loved conversations that lasted into the night, where you talked so long your voice was hoarse the next day. He loved learning every little detail about a person’s life, hearing everything about their day. He just didn’t like doing it over the phone.
Still, these days, most of his relationship with Adam took place over the phone. Part of it was because Adam was traveling a lot again, and Kris was back in the studio every second he wasn't sleeping. But part of it, at least on his part, was intentional.
He’d been dating. It was what everyone wanted, what everyone seemed to expect from him. It was actually kind of fun, he had to admit. Dating in general was new to him-he and Katy were practically kids when they first got together, and skipped straight to going steady. In a way, he figured, it was better this way. He had no idea what it was like to date as a straight man, all the etiquette and games men and women played with each other. He might be new to the gay world, but at least he didn't have the same baggage he might have had.
Not that he didn’t have his fair share of baggage and issues. They were just a different color.
Adam had fixed him up with the first guy, Justin, a record producer. Kris couldn’t remember the last time he was that nervous. Not so much about whether he’d like the guy, or if the guy would like him but…to be on a date at all. How did it all work? Who paid? What did guys talk about on a date? What did anyone talk about on a date with someone you didn’t know? It was such a mystery to him.
It turned out to be far less terrifying than he’d built it up to be. Justin was really nice—he was tall and lean, tan with dark hair. His family was from Thailand, so they talked for a while about Kris’s mission trips there. Justin asked if Kris still did missionary work, and that led to a conversation about Church. Justin recommended some gay-friendly churches in the area when Kris seemed interested. They talked about music for hours, the people Justin had worked with, the things he looked for in new artists. At the end of the night, Justin picked up the check, despite Kris’s offer to pay. All in all, Kris thought it a pretty good first date. And considering he hadn’t been out with someone new in well over a decade, he considered it a success.
That night he had come home to a voicemail from Adam on his machine, and two missed calls on his phone, which he hadn’t glanced at all night. That was the start of it, their new phone relationship.
“You didn’t even invite him up?”
“He walked me to the door like a perfect gentleman.”
“Not even just to fool around a little bit? Are you sure you’re gay?”
“Is that some kind of rule—sex on the first date is required? I must have missed that in the handbook.”
“Whatever, it’s just..Justin’s hot! And, unless I’m missing some information, you’ve been celibate for over a year.”
“Casual sex, still not my thing.”
Adam had been silent on the other end of the line. “Adam?” Kris eventually spoke. “You still there?”
“Yeah, I was just…what if it is your thing? I mean how do you know if you don’t try it? What if you don’t know everything about who you are yet?”
Kris had pondered that for a moment. “I definitely don’t know everything about who I am yet. But there’s a couple of things I know for sure I’m not. And I kinda like it that way.”
“It’s okay if you’re scared, you know.”
“Okay,” Kris said simply.
“I just mean, if you want to ask me anything about it...”
“I think I have the gist of how it all works, thanks.”
“Okay, okay.” Adam had laughed. “I guess I’ll just have to keep relying on Cassidy for the fill of my salacious sex stories. “
Kris had seen Justin a few times after that, but there wasn’t much chemistry there for either of them. They were almost too similar, both down to earth and low-key, and after talking it over, Kris wondered why Adam thought that would be a good match for him. Did he really think Kris wanted someone so much like himself?
So he casually dated, finding it was much easier to meet men than he expected. It helped that his studio, which he was staying at almost exclusively, was smack in the middle of West Hollywood. And since he was seeing less and less of Adam, he had more time to himself, time to go out and do the things he’d stopped doing after the divorce. Tired of his makeshift workouts at home, he joined a proper gym. He was working all the time again, not just writing and recording, but going to events and parties, more parties than he’d ever gone to in his life.
He still wasn’t causing scandals or socializing with the elite, but interest in him had decidedly spiked. And he was enjoying it—he could still go for a run without being hounded by the paps, but he was going to events he’d never have considered attending a year ago even if he had been invited. Everything felt new.
But sometimes, even in the middle of his busy days, he’d get lonely. On those days he’d hike out to Adam’s spot in the Canyon and watch the sun set, wishing things were different.
He wasn’t in denial. Kris knew what he wanted, it just wasn’t something he could have right now. They spoke on the phone nearly everyday, and that seemed like enough for Adam. They were busy; it was understandable. But it still stung, just a bit. He had it under control
Or so he thought, until the night he practically molested his best friend.
If they hadn’t fallen into this routine, of speaking at least once before bed, none of it would have happened. Adam had called him, maybe a little bit drunk, a whole lot sad. He and Alex had broken up. It was Adam’s choice, but he was still heartbroken. That was the thing about Adam—even if it broke his heart, if it was the right thing to do, he’d let someone go. Kris couldn’t even fathom the idea.
“I just thought, he was so different from everyone else I’ve been with, you know? He was down to earth and mature and he wasn’t a famewhore at all. And he had that adorable Russian accent. But it just felt wrong.”
Kris listened. It was the least he could do. Listen and be sympathetic, after all Adam had done.
“Do you want me to come over?” Kris had asked, knowing the answer would be no.
“I’m just gonna go to sleep I think. But we should get together, sometime this week, if you’re in town?”
“I’m in town,” he'd said quietly.
But he couldn’t fall asleep. He walked around his apartment, pacing like a madman. He drank too many cups of coffee, watched some bad tv, tried to write a song, before finally giving up. He got in his car, fully intending just to drive around, to clear his head. But somehow he ended up at Adam’s front door.
“Kris?” Adam muttered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Are you okay? God, come in, come in.”
“I’m sorry,” Kris said. He was shaking like a leaf, all the caffeine, the rush of adrenaline, and now here he was and he had no idea what to say.
Adam pulled him into a tight hug. “What is it, what’s wrong?”
Instead of doing the normal thing, and speaking, he'd reached up and pulled Adam down to kiss him. No ordinary peck on the lips, not for a Kris Allen hyped up on caffeine and indecision. Instead it was long and messy and wholly awkward. When Kris pulled away, Adam was staring at him wide-eyed, fully awake now.
Adam walked to his living room, and sat down on his couch, looking anywhere but Kris. The house Kris had practically lived in the past few months suddenly felt foreign. He had done this all wrong, screwed everything up.
"I'm confused," Adam finally spoke. "Did that just happen?"
"You kiss your other friends all the time," Kris said lamely, as though that was a normal greeting between them.
Adam finally turned to him, his eyes practically bugging out of his head. Kris would have laughed if he didn't feel like such an idiot.
"Okay," Kris said, placing his palm flat on his shaking knee, holding it down. "Okay. I'm not going to chicken out now. I...have feelings for you."
Adam looked away. This wasn't news, couldn't be, but they'd never spoken the words out loud before. Never really admitted whatever was between them.
"And I want to date you," Kris continued, because Adam hadn't said anything, because he couldn't stand the awkward silence.
Adam looked incredulous. "You do realize I just broke up with someone. Literally hours ago."
"Bad timing, I know," Kris spoke quickly. "But there was never going to be a good time. Or, I mean if it's a good thing then the timing is always good. Or...something. I don't know. I'm sorry, that sounds stupid. I know you were upset, but...come on Adam. This is us. It can't really be a surprise."
Adam shook his head, and stood up. He began pacing the small length of space between the couch and coffee table.
"I think," he said finally, speaking slowly, cautiously, while Kris sat watching him anxiously. "I think that it's great that you're being honest with me. But, you're confused, and new to dating and it probably seems like a great idea to date a friend you already know and love."
Kris shook his head emphatically. "That's not what this. You think that's what this is? That's crazy."
"Okay," Adam stopped pacing and knelt down in front of Kris. "You're one of my best friends. And I love you. And we can't do this."
Kris didn't speak, just looked at Adam's face, waiting.
"It wouldn't work, Kris."
"I don't see how you can know that," Kris said softly. He didn't mean to sound quite so pathetic.
"I just do," Adam's voice was pleading.
"Bullshit." It took a lot to make Kris curse, but he knew Adam was giving him the runaround. All these months, all these years, he couldn't have misread everything. There was something there, he knew it.
Adam sighed. "What if it's not what I want?"
"Oh." Kris sucked in a breath, swallowed hard. "You mean I'm not what you want."
So he had been wrong. Somehow, he'd misread the signs. Adam was just a good friend, to everyone. He knew that much but he thought it had been something special. That crush, it was so many years ago. Maybe it changed things, for Adam to see him at his lowest, maybe he saw things in Kris that changed everything. And maybe he was right, Kris had just been lonely, needy...maybe he could convince himself he wasn't in love, so they could still be friends, somehow.
"I want you in my life," Adam said, holding Kris's hands in his. "I want to make sure we don't do something stupid that would ruin our friendship. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. You believe that right?"
Kris nodded, dejected. Adam sat down next to him, pulling him close. "This isn't me rejecting you." Kris couldn't find his voice, but nodded again. "You know I think you're amazing. It just wouldn't work, and we can't take that risk, not after all this time."
They stayed like that, huddled on the couch, until they both felt calm again After a while, Adam turned on the tv, to an old horror film. He grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around them. "What a night," he said with a forced laugh, "so exhausted." Kris nodded, suddenly exhausted himself from the swell of emotions, the caffeine wearing off. Within a few minutes he was half asleep, despite the muffled screams and flickering of the television. It felt so much like old times that Adam knew, somehow, they’d make it through this phase.
Adam had persisted. He meant it when he said he wasn't willing to lose Kris' friendship, and after a few weeks of 5-6 phone calls a day, and Adam dropping by unannounced with ice cream and a movie at least twice a week, Kris relented. He started calling Adam back more often, started taking Adam up on his dinner invitations. They weren't quite back to normal, but they were getting there. Adam was relieved, even if he had to constantly ignore the little nagging in the pit of his stomach that wondered if he hadn't made a mistake.
Not that it mattered. Kris was dating again, and had met a guy he really liked, and it was getting serious. So serious that he wanted Adam to meet the guy.
Logically, Adam expected this to happen. Eventually. Maybe not quite so soon after Kris's revelation. It had only been two months, after all. But Adam decided to take that as a sign that he had been right, and Kris's feelings were more confusion than anything else. So really, he should have felt relief that they hadn't gone down that road.
Instead he felt just the tiniest twinge of jealousy.
Perfectly natural he told himself. He wasn't going to let it interfere. In fact, when Kris had suggested getting together for dinner so Adam could meet his new boyfriend, Adam decided to throw a dinner party for the get together instead. It was a generous gesture, and had nothing at all to do with him not wanting to be alone with Kris and the new love of his life. If he only invited his own friends, it was because most of Kris's close friends were still back in Arkansas. It wasn't like he was trying to surround himself with people who would make the new guy feel unwelcome.
Stephen, he reminded himself. Not new guy. Must remember to call him by his actual name.
And not that Cassidy or Brad would make Stephen feel unwelcome. Yes, Adam may have confinded in them, and they may have told him he was crazy for not giving Kris a chance because they could all clearly see he was in love. But they almost always exaggerated things. And obviously they wouldn't be rude to some stranger just because of that. In any case, Adam himself vowed to be nothing but nice to Stephen. Despite the fact that he knew almost nothing about him, having just learned of his existence days earlier. I mean, he was throwing a party in his honor. If that didn't scream nice and welcoming, nothing would. Not that he was overcompensating either.
Really, Adam just liked to throw parties. And he was fucking great at it too.
The night wasn't going quite as he had planned. He hadn't really expected Brad and Cassidy to be anything but nice to Kris's boyfriend, but he hadn't quite expected them to fawn over him either. And for the man himself...well he wasn't exactly what Adam expected either.
"Do you prefer Stephen or Steve?" Cassidy's date had asked, already two glasses of wine in.
"Either one is fine," Stephen had replied, easy dimples on display. "It's actually Stephano, my family's Greek."
"Well no wonder!" Brad had practically squealed. "You look like an Adonis."
Adam stood up at that, heading to the kitchen for another bottle of wine, muttering under his breath. It wasn't exactly untrue. He did look like a damn Greek god, with his thick black hair, green eyes and olive skin. And he was obviously...athletic. Not at all what he pictured as Kris's type. Too cocky. Too outgoing and sure of himself. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but Adam had hated him on sight.
"So what do you do, Steeephanoo" Adam rejoined the table just in time to hear Cassidy draw out the name in an exaggerated accent.
"Steve's a doctor," Kris chimed in, smiling proudly. "He just got back from a three year trip in Guatemala for Doctors Without Borders."
They were holding hands, for fucks sake. Over the table. Adam bit his tongue and poured another glass of wine.
"Awwww," Brad cooed. "Look at you bragging over him, that's adorable."
Kris looked down shyly, then over to Stephen. They gazed longingly at each other, while Adam refrained from making a barfing sound. What was this lovely dovey shit, and who were all these pod people in his house?
"It was an incredible experience," Stephen replied, still looking at Kris. "Probably more rewarding for me than for anyone I helped. And Kris is no stranger to charity work, I'm amazed at some of the things he's done, like that-"
"We started a charity together," Adam said suddenly, cutting Stephen off. "It's a music camp for teenagers from inner cities and rural areas, where school's music programs are almost non-existant."
"Oh I know! Kris told me about it," Stephen said. "He didn't mention you were involved, but that's wonderful."
Adam could feel Brad's eyes on him, and he knew the little fucker was probably eating this up.
Adam was drunk enough not to care that he was being obvious. "So are you going back to Guatamela, Stevie? I mean, you're so interested in helping people I imagine you can't wait to get back," he finished sweetly.
"I was thinking about it, but I think there's a lot I can do here. And, well," he smiled, raising Kris's hand to his lips. "I think I'd like to stick around for other reasons."
Adam gaped. "You've been dating for two months, for fucks sake, you're not lesbians!"
At least halfway drunk, most people around the table didn't notice Adam's outburst. But Kris wasn't drinking, and he looked over at Adam, concerned. "Are you okay?"
"Fine, fine, just a little surprised at the speed. It's just so unlike you Kris," Adam sing-songed, trying to sound light. "So what about Kris's career? It's crazy, you know the life of a musician. They're on the road a lot too."
Kris's eyes were narrowed now, and he was looking at Adam questioningly. Not mad, exactly, but definitely concerned. It was hard for Adam to look away, it had been so long since Kris looked at him like that. Retract claws, Adam thought. Don't want to make a fool of yourself.
"I love his music, especially what he's working on now." Stephen turned towards Kris again. "Amazing to think without a reality show you might have given up on it."
Stephen focused his gaze upon Adam. "And what do you do for a living?"
Brad's loud guffaw covered up Adam's own reaction. This guy had to be shitting him. It's not like Adam expected everyone to know who he was, or what he was known for...but Stephen had just mentioned Idol, so either he watched or Kris told him about it. There's no way Kris would have told the story of his time on Idol without mentioning Adam...was there? No, the guy had to be doing it on purpose. He must have realized Adam was competition, shit, Adam hadn't been exactly hiding his emotions. He was trying to tear him down now, make him look smaller. As if Kris would fall for that.
There was an awkward silence this time, until Kris spoke. "Adam was on the show with me. We were finalists together."
"Oh, how wonderful!" Stephen smiled big. "So you know Matt and Anoop then?"
What a cocky little shit, Adam thought. But Kris changed the subject quickly. Adam managed to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the dinner, even managed to not audibly gag when Stephen started kissing Kris. Right there at the dinner table, where people were trying to eat, oblivious to the fact that their display would cause most people to vomit, which would definitely hinder finishing their Chicken Piccata.
Adam began clearing dishes and moved to the kitchen to prepare dessert when the conversation turned to Stephen's primary medical practice, which was pediatric oncology. Of course. Of course he helped save the lives of tiny sick children.
Adam took a moment to compose himself. He was just jealous, which was ridiculous. There was nothing wrong with the guy, and he seemed totally smitten with Kris, which was, he reminded himself, all that mattered. Someone who would appreciate and love his friend. Still...
"Hey, need some help?" Kris stepped hesitantly into the kitchen. Adam could hear the faint sounds of Cassidy playing the piano behind him.
"Think you can spoon fruit over ice cream?" Adam didn't look up from the counter full of plates.
"Might be outta my pay level but I can sure try."
Adam forced a smile. This was your idea. All of it. he told himself. "So. Stephen is great."
"You think so?" Kris seemed genuinely surprised. "No, I mean he is a great guy. I just...Adam, I need to tell you--"
Adam looked up, hearing something pleading in Kris's voice. Or maybe he just wanted to hear that...
The kitchen door swung open, as Cassidy came in to grab a beer from the fridge. It took Adam a moment to realize it must be Stephen playing the piano in the other room, no one else at the party knew how to...and as Cassidy left he could hear Stephen as he said, "Yeah, Kris has been teaching me, not bad for only a month--"
The dishes he was holding dropped to the floor, pieces of glass flying across the room. He muttered something about being right back to clean it up, before rushing out of the kitchen up towards his bedroom.
No, the night was definitely not going as he had planned.
Sitting alone in the dark of his bedroom, Adam beat himself up for being such a fucking drama queen, but he couldn't quite bring himself to go back downstairs. Not after his dramatic exist. Not to mention the fact that he was still sort of crying or at least teary-eyed, and he couldn't explain why. He had no idea how long he'd been up there when Kris knocked on the door, not waiting for a response before entering.
Kris didn't speak, just sat down on the floor where Adam was hunched against the wall.
"So, you really loved those dishes I guess."
Adam didn't smile or laugh, just looked away, towards his window where a panel of golden orange light from the streetlamp outside was drifting in.
"Hey," Kris tried again, pushing his knee in between Adam's, jostling his legs. "What's going on?"
"It's no big deal." Adam's voice was hoarse and thick. "I want you to know I'm really happy for you."
"You look really happy for me." Kris took out a tissue from his pocket and leaned forward to gently wipe away the lingering tears.
"I'm trying," Adam's voice was still shaky. He took a few deep breaths. "I'm such a shitty friend."
"You're an amazing friend," Kris corrected. "Saved my life a few times now."
Adam shook his head. "I should be happy for you. You found this great guy who is fucking crazy about you, and I was practically screaming at him--"
"Yeah that was kinda strange," Kris said, smiling.
"And he's an amazing human being, who literally saves lives--"
"True, he does."
Adam was eying Kris quizzically but continued. "I mean he's gorgeous and sweet and he has those dimples--"
"He's got a six pack too, I don't know where he finds the time," Kris interjected, his voice way too lighthearted. Adam was starting to get a little annoyed.
"He's absolutely perfect for you. So I should be happy for you."
"I guess so," Kris mused. "I mean, he is all of those things. Gorgeous, sweet, saves lives, and he's a great dancer on top of all that."
Adam sulked, somewhere between wanting to cry again and wanting to punch Kris, unsure of which he wanted more.
"It's just too bad he's straight."
Kris paused, waiting for Adam's reaction. When none came, he started speaking fast, almost afraid Adam would cut him off, throw him out, maybe scream at him.
"Don't be mad. I just...we thought you needed a nudge. And he took it way farther than we talked about, I didn't--"
"We?? WE WHO?" Adam wasn't raging just yet, but he was getting close. "And what the fuck are you talking about? On what planet is that guy who has been looking at you like you had wings and fell out of the sky straight?"
"I can explain, if you'll let me," Kris started, a little out of breath. Adam continued to glower at him, but remained silent, so Kris continued. "When you told me you weren't interested, I tried, I really really tried to just let it go. I told myself you were right, and it wouldn't work. I told myself you didn't feel anything for me, and I was pathetic for even thinking you could. I told myself everything I could to make it go away." Kris' voice was thick with emotion. "I tried and tried but it just won't go away."
He paused for a moment, catching his breath.
"And maybe that was just my problem to deal with, but I didn't believe that. Maybe I just didn't want to, maybe I was being selfish, but I talked to Cassidy about it--"
"You talked to my friends about it?" Adam asked, more confused than angry.
"I was desperate," Kris pleaded. "And I thought he would tell me to get over it and maybe it was the kick in the pants I needed. But he didn't. He told me that you were just too stubborn to admit you were wrong. And Brad said the same thing. So..."
"So you concocted a plan to humiliate me in front of my friends?" But his words were all bark, no bite, already mollified by knowing Kris had still been thinking about him, all these months, had still been wanting him...
"Just to see if you really didn't feel that way." The desperate plea in Kris' voice made Adam want to take him in his arms, comfort him. But this was all so crazy, it couldn't be real.
"So Stephen isn't real." Adam muttered. "Not a super hero doctor, and you're not in love with him? He's just some actor?"
Kris shook his head, his face serious and a little sad. "He is a doctor. He's just straight. Do you remember the girl from my last video? Faith? He's her boyfriend. She and I stayed in touch, and we got together for lunch a few months ago. She'd been listening to me cry about you and when I told her I had talked to Cassidy..this was mostly her idea."
Adam sat in stunned silence, taking it all in. It was kind of ingenious. If the guy hadn't been so over the top, if he hadn't seemed so sickeningly perfect, maybe Adam wouldn't have said anything, thinking it would just run its course naturally.
"I didn't mean to make you cry." Kris's voice broke on the last word, and Adam snapped out of his thoughts.
"C'mere," Adam whispered. Kris crawled the short distance and Adam pulled him in close. He felt like laughing and crying at the ridiculousness of it all. Why had he been so stubbornly blind to this, when just sitting in the dark holding Kris made him so happy?
"You're not mad?" Kris asked
"Oh, I'm mad." Adam smiled. "I'm gonna kill those fuckers downstairs. But you..."
Kris raised his head from Adam's chest, waiting.
"I'm scared," Adam whispered. "What if it doesn't work? What if we end up hating each other?"
"I think it's worth the risk."
"I don't want to be the Ellen to your Anne Heche."
It took Kris a moment to understand what Adam meant, and then he laughed. "I promise you, I'm not going to suddenly stop liking men. Or you."
"How do you know that?" Adam's voice was so low Kris could barely hear him. He turned himself around so he was straddling Adam, so he could look him in the eyes.
"I'm not great with words, you know that. But even if it didn't last forever, it'd be worth it. I don't know if that's reassuring, but I'm not going anywhere, whatever happens." Kris leaned forward, until their foreheads were touching, eyes still open, waiting for Adam to bridge the distance. When their lips met, Adam could feel Kris sucking in air, like they were breathing each other in.
"I think it would be really good," Kris said when they finally pulled apart. "Don't you think it would be really good?"
"Yeah," Adam replied softly. "I do."
"Besides," Kris mumbled. "I don't even believe in aliens, remember?"
Adam laughed, and the knot in his stomach finally disappeared. They were really going to do this.
They sat like that for a while, intertwined, like teenagers who just discovered kissing, as though they could never grow tired of it. Stopping for a moment to catch his breath, Kris leaned his head down on Adam's chest, still wanting to touch wherever he could, as much as he could.
"So no more drama? We can go back to being us?"
"No more drama." Adam felt spent, head light and drunk on the feeling. "But I'm gonna have to have words with your little friends down there."
Kris laughed. "That can wait for tomorrow, right? Don't want to piss them off when they're cleaning up and not interrupting."
"Mmm," Adam agreed, tightening his arms around Kris. "Yeah it can wait till tomorrow."
THE END