Work Text:
jeongguk laughs loudly at what his classmate, jimin, had just said. it was a joke about how his hands were so tiny compared to jeongguk's, the two comparing the sizes in the lull of their study session. they'd been going for hours, losing track of time on a friday night.
"we could be like, what's that movie, ah," jimin's face lights up, "the song goes 'i wanna know, can you show me, i wanna know about the strangers like me'."
jeongguk's nose scrunches up at that, "are you calling me tarzan?" they laugh but jeongguk's phone ringing interrupts them and not for the first time during their day together. the younger grabs his phone and sees it’s his yoongi hyung calling again. "sorry, hyung. i'm gonna take this."
"i'll go get us more snacks." jimin stands and leaves to give him privacy.
jeongguk watches him go, picking up the phone before it could ring again. "hello, hyung?"
"jeongguk-ah." chills run up his spine at the tone of yoongi's voice. "i've been waiting outside of the school for hours, where are you? are you okay? did that teacher-"
fuck, jeongguk thinks. he forgot to tell yoongi where he was going, forgot that they always walk home together, yoongi protecting him from anything and everything. "no!" he interrupts quickly before yoongi can continue his panic. "i'm okay, hyung. i'm with a classmate, we're studying, don't worry."
"who is it?" yoongi asks impatiently, breath stuttering but recovering just as quickly with, "nevermind, i don't care. just let me know next time so i don't waste my time waiting for you. i have other things to do tonight." he finishes harshly.
jeongguk frowns, his hand in his lap playing with a loose thread on the flannel that belongs to the man on the other line. "okay, sorry hyung. please, be careful tonight and send me your location so i can-"
"so you can what? come here and have me babysit you like i always do?"
flinching, jeongguk bites his lip, he knows his hyung has a temper on bad days but he would never take it out on jeongguk, if anything he would find solace in the younger boy, seeking his warmth, his light. the words, 'you like him, don’t you?' echoing in his head when he spoke to yoongi's best friend, kim namjoon at a party. he thought he knew what he meant to the older but maybe he was wrong, maybe he was blinded by his own feelings. "no, hyung. i'm sorry. i was just worried about you."
silence fills the air, jeongguk has to check his phone to see if the other had hung up but to his surprise the call was still going. then finally— "i can take care of myself. goodnight." the line goes dead but the words play on in jeongguk's head.
"hey, you alright?" jimin finally comes back with a tray of pastries, "you look like you're about to burst into tears?"
jeongguk's thoughts overwhelm him, they eat at his insecurities, ebb away any hope he has about being with yoongi. his eyes wide as saucers when he looks up at jimin, "i- sorry, what?"
"are you okay?"
jeongguk springs up, gathering all of his things. "i'm sorry, i need to go, i have to take care of someone-i mean, something. sorry." he doesn’t give the other an explanation as he hitches his backpack on his shoulder and runs out of the cafe, the only thought on his mind, 'i need to save him.'
his feet hit the pavement as he runs, music notes echoing in the sounds of the city as if he were running on piano keys. a red walking light making him skid to a halt, almost tripping, the music note distorting, sounding like a distant memory.
[his fingers pressed over the keys, one reaching over too far, he hit the wrong note, head lolling back in frustration as he groaned. "that was good, gguk-ah." he remembers yoongi praising him, grabbing his hand and playing over the right note. "but this would sound better." a patient smile graced his face and jeongguk's heart raced, yoongi would never scold him, just continue to encourage even when he did something wrong. — something like, falling for his hyung. it made him feel bad, taking the kindness that yoongi gave him and growing it into something like this. something that had jeongguk conjuring up images of them holding hands, kissing, and more. it made him feel guilty because yoongi would never look at him in the same way, would never want jeongguk the way he so desperately needed.
"hyung," he started, turning his hand over so that he could intertwine their fingers playfully, rocking the clasped hands up and down. "why-why do you spend so much time with a kid like me?"
yoongi stilled their hands, he glanced up at jeongguk, his hair falling slightly into his eyes. "you remind me of myself when i was younger. always up to no good, not caring about a damn thing, especially school." jeongguk muttered a 'you still don't' to which yoongi chuckled at, "yah! let me finish. i want to- protect you but not only that, i want what i'm doing to positively impact myself too because-because i'm no good and i want to be good for something, good for someone."
"hyung, you are good. you're so good with me, so good to me."
"there's a lot you don't know about me, gguk-ah. i wasn't always so good and some nights when i drink, when i lose focus, i become a monster. a bad guy."
jeongguk leaned his head against yoongi's shoulder, hands still joined. "that's okay, hyung. it's okay if you get into trouble, if you aren't good sometimes, because i'll be there to save you."]
xxx
his fingers feel itchy, he feels restless on namjoon’s couch, biting his lip raw. his mind is filled to the brim with thoughts of a certain boy, a certain doe-eyed, brown haired boy. yoongi has changed a lot since he met jeongguk but sometimes, sometimes he lets himself slip back into who he was, someone he hated— someone jeongguk would hate because yoongi had to remind himself of his place.
if jeongguk was the sun in the universe with planets and stars aligned around him, encircling him, living for him, existing because of him, then yoongi— yoongi was nothing but a meteor. a small rock that would land on jeongguk’s surface and burn. unworthy of being anywhere near him, of existing anywhere near the younger.
he stretches his fingers, opens his hand palm up, he looks down at his hands, they’re clean, spotless right now but they weren’t always that way. yoongi used to be filthy, covered in blood from fights most nights. stumbling home, stumbling to a stranger’s home more often than his own, making quick work to relieve the hunger to break someone apart. his fingers digging into unmarked skin, leaving bruises in their wake. he was always so— rough.
yoongi balls his hands up into fists. reminds himself that isn’t who he truly is, that was the alcohol clouding his mind, his judgement. he was a monster, unworthy, until he met him.
[yoongi wiped the blood off onto his jeans, hissing at the feeling of the denim against his open wounds on his knuckles. he muttered something under his breath about that guy from the bar. the fucker really thought he could man handle yoongi without his permission and not expect yoongi to retaliate?
now, he was stumbling down the street, trying to remember where his apartment was, maybe he’d remember where his fucker ex lived so he could fuck him one last time. he shook his head at that, remembering through the haze of the alcohol clouding his mind that he’d already done that last night. leaving his ex alone before he woke and making things more complicated.
yoongi doesn’t do complicated. his father’s words embedded into his mind, ‘don’t waste your time on things like love. you use people for what you want and you do things for yourself. all people do is take, son. don’t let them take from you.’ he registered that his father was always carrying a beer in his hand, always drunk out of his mind. yoongi tried not to become like him— but the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, he discovered.
there was a small inkling of hope throughout school, throughout his life, and she was his first love. a big brown piano that sat in their living room. beautiful and begging to be touched, so, yoongi touched. he learned to play by ear, echoed the sounds of his father screaming at his mother with each hard press of a key, replayed each sad whimper he heard his mother make at night after his father left to drink with soft notes, his heart poured into each note, the music spoke for him until he was silenced.
a fight between his parents caused his father to break a beer bottle over the top of the piano, sending the shards everywhere. he blamed his wife for the action and sent papers scattering everywhere. all of yoongi’s schoolwork went flying, all of his compositions and thoughts. yoongi ran to go pick them up, bumping into the piano roughly when he slipped on the spilled alcohol, a candle that his mother left burning toppling over.
yoongi’s mother scooped him up, ran out of the house with him held tightly against her. leaving his father behind, leaving his first love behind.
he shook himself from the memory, leaning against a store’s window pane, his breath fogging up the glass. he chuckled at the sight before him— she was teasing him, the grand piano in the store sat lonely, beckoning him to play, to see if he could after all these years.
“fuck you!” he slammed his palm against the glass. “i don’t need you!” he backed away momentarily, searching for something. he found a bottle by the nearby trashcan, picked it up and threw it against the window, chuckling.
the bottle didn’t even hit the piano, it sat pretty and untouched, mocking yoongi. he ignored the sirens going off in the store, went into the store through the broken window and staggered over to the piano. his fingers hovered over the keys, he stilled.
his knuckles were bloody, some blood spilling onto the white keys. he took a shuddering breath before he sat down. his eyes shut, his fingers didn’t move, he felt stuck. the piano screamed at him, begged him to play, to do something but he couldn’t.
he had been silenced for so long — he didn’t know what to say, what to convey through the notes anymore.
a gentle shove pushed his hands forward, a sweet note pushed out of the piano, a sweet voice spoke, “hey, there’s cops on the way, you gotta get outta here or you’ll get caught.”
yoongi turned with wide eyes to see who was behind him, his mind filled with that sweet note, the honey rich tone of it and he thought the face staring at him expectantly matched the note. “do it again.” he slurred.
“huh? are you drunk? oh god, we’re gonna get caught. listen, i crash here sometimes cause my parents-“
“play the note again.” yoongi interrupted taking the boy’s hand and pressing it to the same key, it filled yoongi’s heart, his mind, his very being. he looked up at the boy, realized something in that moment. the music that saved him once was no longer for him but for the boy in front of him.]
“hyung.” namjoon broke him out of his thoughts, “are you coming to the gas station with me? my shift starts soon.”
yoongi stands, stretches his limbs. “nah. i might crash that party you told me about at kim taehyung’s tonight.”
namjoon peers over at him curiously, his lips set into a hard line. he looks like he wants to say something but keeps it to himself, doesn’t keep his judgmental gaze to himself though. even without the words thrown at him, yoongi feels something akin to shame brewing in his gut. he knows what happens at parties, he knows and that’s exactly what he’s hoping for tonight.
“i’ll probably stop by his house after my shift, maybe i’ll see you later, hyung.” namjoon comments as he racks his fridge for a snack.
and that’s another thing. they have an unspoken friendship where they know they’re fucking up, yoongi hiding his feelings for jeongguk and namjoon messing around with straight kim taehyung. supposedly no feelings attached makes it easier for them to fuck. the last time yoongi tried to meddle, namjoon threw the jeongguk situation in his face and told him to figure out his feelings before trying to figure out namjoon’s.
so— he doesn’t comment on it, on the fact that namjoon will be off his night shift around seven in the morning, the party long over, everyone long gone except for one kim taehyung. he bites his tongue, quells his thoughts and grabs his coat, leaving namjoon’s to head to this party.
xxx
it smells like weed, alcohol, sweat and regret by the time yoongi arrives to the party. the sound system plays a pop beat that thrums through his veins, reminding him that jeongguk isn’t the only thing running through them, that he is here, alive and breathing without the younger. and maybe he should stop thinking about jeongguk.
he makes his way across the crowded living room, sweaty and swaying bodies in every direction. he remembers now why he hates parties, but then he sees the alcohol and remembers why he loves parties.
“hyung!” someone shouts from behind him, “glad you could make it! let me fix you a drink.” taehyung’s eyes are glazed over and yoongi knows he’s high. “i call this drink the fixer upper, it’ll fix you right up. or wait no it’ll fuck you right up so it’s the fucker upper.” he snorts at his own words, handing yoongi a red solo cup with who knows what inside of it.
yoongi takes a sip and makes a face at the taste, “pretty sure it’s called that cause this drink tastes fucked up.” he gags a little on the second sip.
“well, it’s actually just vodka, i’m pretty sure i was supposed to put lemonade in it but i don’t think i have any.” he giggles behind his hand. “anyway, i’m gonna go greet more people! jin hyung and jeonggukie are out in the backyard in case you’re looking for them!”
he saunters away and yoongi is left with information he definitely did not ask for, information that has him walking the opposite direction from the back door, it has him chugging down the cup of straight vodka.
“yoongi-ssi!” a hand lands on his shoulder and he turns to see a senior of his, dong wok. “had no idea you partied?”
he and dong wok were rivals on piano, always trying to one up each other, so he’s not sure why his biggest enemy is even talking to him right now. “well, we don’t normally talk outside of the hateful and jealous remarks you throw my way.”
he has the decency to look embarrassed, a blush creeping on his cheeks. “don’t be that way, yoongi-ssi. you know it’s all a guise and i can tell you don’t really hate me either.” he steps closer to yoongi, trapping him, his mouth leaning closer to his ear. “in fact, i bet you wanna fuck me.”
yoongi chokes on his own spit, eyes wide at this. “woah.” he puts a hand to dong wok’s chest, backing him up. when he’s finally cleared his airway, he leans over and whispers, “not in a million years.” then he shoves him away lightly, walking away from him with disgust on his face.
“well if it isn’t little yoongi.”
that voice makes him freeze, drink held tightly in his hand. “jin hyung.” he mutters out, tensing before he turns around expecting to see jeongguk with the older but relieved to find him alone.
“he left.” yoongi keeps his face neutral, trying not to show any signs of interest. jin sighs at this, “he saw you talking to that guy and said you could save yourself tonight, know anything about that?”
yoongi’s stomach curls at the thought of jeongguk actually being jealous. “nope.” he pops his lips on the letter p, taking a sip of his drink.
jin draws his strong eyebrows together, “don’t you know what you mean to him?”
his heart drops, he knows he can’t hide anything from jin so he takes a big swig of his vodka before admitting, “of course i know.. that’s why i need to stop it, i need to do something before he realizes.”
“realizes what?”
“that i’m not actually worth it, that i’m exactly like my father, that he’ll be stuck in this small town to rot like me if he doesn’t get away.” he takes a deep breath, eyes wide as he speaks the truth. “because the thing is, jin hyung, if he reaches out to me, confesses, i’ll grab on and i’m afraid i won’t let go.”
“you love him, don’t you?” without jeon jeongguk, min yoongi would crash and burn; and it comes with that realization that he knows he's just not deserving of him, not enough light for someone that deserves to shine like the sun in a world so dark. so he burns down those three words with the stinging alcohol in a red solo cup, letting the liquid slosh in his stomach, corrupting his mind.
“doesn’t matter, all that matters is he goes after his dreams and not be tied down by some loser with daddy issues.” in the end, that’s all he is. he’ll lose his music scholarship to someone better because he can hardly play anymore, can only show jeongguk how to play.
that’s why yoongi thinks if he can’t play, if he can’t live, then jeongguk can, he can give him the chance to be something instead of nothing like yoongi.
that’s why he doesn’t want jeongguk to try to save him because there is no salvation for him. the only salvageable thing about him is his ability to teach what he knows, his knowledge will grant jeongguk to go further while he’s left behind to watch.
that’s why when a run away boy found him in a piano shop and showed him that music still exists, just not for him, he ran with him.
that’s why he has to be the one to save jeon jeongguk because there was no one to save min yoongi.
“what if you are his dream?” jin argues, arms crossed over his chest.
yoongi huffs, “most like a nightmare.” he sips at his drink, looking away from jin’s glare. “fine, if i am his dream then he’s gotta wake up.”
”i almost ran him over today cause the kid was running all around town looking for you.”
and what? jeongguk got off the phone with him and left the person he was with to look for yoongi? yoongi pulls his phone out to see many missed calls from the younger. so, maybe he was worried. “i can take care of my damn self and he knows that.”
“you haven’t been to a party, much less near alcohol in months, you know that.” jin throws back. “not since you met him.”
his heart skips a beat at that, he chugs down the rest of his drink. “fine. i’ll go home and check on him. only because he was so worried about me.” he grumbles, leaving jin behind him, the older wearing a concerned expression as yoongi picks up another cup, chugging it before exiting the house.
yoongi wonders how much alcohol he has to drink to drown the butterflies in his stomach.
xxx
it’s quiet when he enters the apartment, he wasn’t expecting it to be noisy but he was at least expecting to see jeongguk on the couch, waiting for him.
instead he sees hoseok, a bowl of popcorn nestled on his lap and phone in his hand, scrolling without looking up. yoongi feels a pang of jealousy rock through him as he takes in the empty spot next to hoseok, a phone sits there, one that he recognizes as jeongguk’s.
“where is he?” yoongi breathes out, his eyes flitting all over the room to search for him. “and what are you doing here?”
hoseok sets his phone down finally, turns his attention to yoongi with a glare, “he’s showering. called me upset, crying, so i came over to cuddle him.”
“oh.” he responds because what else can he say? “cuddles?” he asks dumbly.
chewing on some popcorn, hoseok nods. “loves having his hyung’s big strong arms around him.”
another surge of jealousy, “well his hyung is here now so you can leave. i’ll take care of him.”
”will you?” hoseok throws a piece of popcorn at him. “or will you make him worse?” yoongi doesn’t answer. “you aren’t supposed to hurt the people you love yoongi hyung but it seems that’s what you’re doing and jeongguk just doesn’t seem to care. you wanna know why?” he’s still silent, his nails digging heavily into his palms, he’s not sure he wants to hear the answer. “he loves you so much that he’d do absolutely anything to keep you by his side, even if it means just being your friend, watching you go off with other men.” yoongi is about to argue when hoseok keeps going, “even if it means he breaks his own heart to protect yours.”
a shaky breath escapes him, his chest hurts and he knows the only one who can help him now is in their shared bathroom but — will yoongi take? will he let jeongguk help him at the risk of hurting the younger? will he break jeongguk’s heart just to keep his intact?
“it doesn’t have to be this hard. you’re making it complicated, hyung.” hoseok sets the popcorn bowl down on the coffee table. “he already love you, and you love him, you just gotta love each other openly.”
yoongi lifts his head at that, doubts crawling into his mind. “and if it goes bad?”
hoseok stands, grabbing his shoes. “then it goes bad. listen, no one knows when bad things will happen but people do things all the time even with risks, even with lives on the line, that’s the thrill of being alive, of being in love. you just do something because it’s what you want in the moment. if you keep living for tomorrow the what happens to you now?”
”okay.”
“okay?” yoongi nods. “i trust you to do the right thing. he’s a good one, hyung. don’t be so afraid.” he leaves after that, the silence in the apartment reminding yoongi that jeongguk is done with his shower and that makes yoongi nervous. he's not good with talking in general, much less talking about feelings. how will he explain to the boy he took in a couple months ago that he is absolutely smitten with him despite his reservations with love?
then, an idea forms. it's not a good one but he figures maybe it'll help him, maybe it'll give him courage. he takes a deep breath and goes to the room that used to be his, now jeongguk inhabits it and yoongi sleeps on the couch. he knocks softly before entering, hearing a tiny little voice say, "sorry hobi, i had to get all the tears out and i-oh."
yoongi ignores his inquisitive stare and makes himself stumble toward the bed, he sniffles, landing face first on the bed. "hi." he mumbles, shutting his eyes for fear of just looking at jeongguk and backing out.
"hyung? are you drunk?" jeongguk runs over to the bed, yoongi feels it dip when the younger gets on, kneeling next to yoongi. "are you okay? what happened at the party?"
"not drunk," yoongi mumbles, he pulls jeongguk down to him, an arm wrapping around his waist. "just.. miss you."
jeongguk inhales, takes in yoongi's scent, his hands stay in fists by his side, he doesn't dare to move, doesn't want to break whatever this is. he thinks maybe yoongi is drunk. thinks about the millions of things he could say, but instead he asks, "you miss me?"
yoongi nods, burying his nose into the crown of jeongguk's head, "you were out all day. missed you. i always do when you're not here with me." he hears a little gasp and continues, "don't want anyone else to do this when you're sad. just me."
a tiny giggle escapes jeongguk, "are you jealous, hyung? you know you're my favorite."
he huffs, "you don't understand."
"i do, hyung." he squirms a little and sits up, "you've had a lot to drink, i'm just gonna go sleep on the couch tonight."
yoongi grabs his hand before he can wiggle away, "jeon jeongguk, i am not drunk, not even a little bit. i'm maybe like two percent tipsy but other than that i know exactly what i'm saying." he sets his gaze on their connected hands, "it's you, jeongguk. it's always been you."
"me?" the younger stiffens, his guard up.
"i told you once that i lost something very dear to me, something that gave me a reason to live, to keep going. well, i found it again and this time it wasn't in a piano. it was in two wide brown eyes telling me we had to leave before the cops arrived. my first love was a piano but my greatest love is you, jeongguk." he sits up and tugs on jeongguk to scoot closer, pulls him into his lap snugly. jeongguk lets him.
"hyung, i don't understand when-"
"i'm tired of hiding it, jeongguk. is it me for you too?"
jeongguk nods, his hands clutching yoongi's shirt tightly. "i've loved you for a long time, hyung."
"why didn't you ever tell me?" he inquires, "was i not enough to risk it?"
jeongguk shakes his head quickly, "you were more than enough, you were always too good for me, hyung. and i was just that dumb kid you took in."
"you were more than that. you always talk about saving me but you saved me that first night we met." the younger scrunches his nose at this. "i think you were meant to find me then so that i could find you."
"hyung.." he breathes out, lip trembling, tears threatening to fall with the emotions surging through him right now.
yoongi's eyes drift down to jeongguk's lips, he gulps. "say it."
"i love you." he smiles. "i love your fingers, i love your smile, i love your nose, i love you."
yoongi smiles back, "prove it."
sitting up, jeongguk takes his hand, kisses each finger tip with a smile. "i love your skillful fingers." he blushes at the double meaning. "i-i mean on piano."
"of course." yoongi teases.
he leans forward and kisses yoongi's button nose, "love this little nose too." he giggles when yoongi swats his arm playfully with that same gummy smile. "and this smile." he leans in to kiss, it's filled with mostly teeth because of their smiles and the giggles filtering through each kiss. jeongguk feels giddy like this, feels a bit drunk on these feelings himself. "i was afraid for awhile, hyung."
"of what?"
"falling and not having you there to catch me."
"mm, jeongguk-ah, you jump i jump, remember?"
he pushes the older down into the bed, "don't quote my favorite movie at me!" he buries his face into yoongi's neck, letting the older hold him. "i really would have jumped regardless if you were at the bottom, hyung. that's how much i love you."
yoongi drops a reassuring kiss to the side of his head, "i love you too, i've always been here to catch you, i just had to grow strong enough for it. but now i know my world would burn without you, jeon jeongguk."
they went quiet after that, relishing the feeling of finally having each other, not thinking about tomorrow, only of right now because eventually the sun that burns so bright in the sky, giving us reason to live will one day burn too bright and destroy everything but no one thinks about that, not even two boys burning so brightly in each other's arms, not thinking about whether they will be each other's destruction. that is life after all, taking a risk despite knowing it might kill you one day.