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Do you feel it? he wants to scream. You have to feel it, right? You have to.
Don’t you feel it?
i.
There is no way to explain properly. So, Monoma figures, the only way to even attempt doing so would be to be blunt.
Something is wrong. Something has always been wrong, since day one, and the reality of it is terrifying. Something is wrong.
Why do all of their backstories for wanting to become a hero blur together? Why do none of them have siblings, why do all of their parents have average, non-distinctive personalities? Why are all of their assignments and activities the same as Class 1-A’s?
Monoma asks Blood King about it every week, and every week he says that Monoma must be mistaken; he has a different teaching style than Aizawa, a different lesson plan. And besides, the teachers like to switch up the material between classes to discourage cheating.
But it’s always the same. It’s always the same, even when it shouldn’t be, down to the phrasing and the order and stupid things like the font.
It’s-
(like an explanation that only makes sense if you don’t look closely, like a game pasting the same face onto ten background characters in a row-)
exactly the same.
ii.
Why does every room that doesn’t have a member of Class 1-A in it feel duller?
And no, Monoma doesn’t just have a collective crush on every member of Class 1-A at once, thank you for that fucking wisecrack, Tetsutetsu.
They all laughed at that, but only after a moment of frowns, of hesitant confusion. They knew what he was talking about, if just for a second.
Everything gets greyer when Class 1-A isn’t there. The colors leech out, shadows and lines get softer. But more importantly, everything else gets softer as well.
softer blurrier greyer non-distinct? quieter, less shocking, less memorable, like a
dream? Like something non-important
It’s subtle, so subtle. Sometimes Monoma thinks that the only reason he even notices it is because he already knows that it happens. It’s like- like attention is being shifted away. Like they become a sketch that no one bothers to fill in beyond the basics.
Nothing ever happens when Class 1-A isn’t there. They make small talk, always small, nothing memorable- the teachers teach and the information slides into Monoma’s brain like it’s not worth the fight, and he instinctively knows that he will never use it.
Like attention is being shifted-
Like-
like-
iii.
Kendou and Tetsutetsu. To a certain degree, Shiozaki. They don’t feel it like the rest of the class does.
AND THE REST OF CLASS DOES FEEL IT, WHY WON’T THEY JUST ADMIT IT, WHY IS MONOMA THE ONLY ONE WHO SPEAKS UP-
Kendou, Tetsutetsu, and Shiozaki are all-
memorable, memorable enough. They talk to Class 1-A often enough. They manage to share a fraction of 1-A’s spotlight.
(except it’s not just class 1-a, not really. There’s Shinsou too, Eraserhead, All Might, Hatsume, Nedzu. A couple other pro heroes he sees on the news. They all have the spotlight as well because they’re interesting, but they’re allowed to be interesting because they have the spotlight-)
He knows the others feel it, even if they roll their eyes and laugh at him. He knows that when he points it out, they do feel a moment of true unease before they crush it down. They have been denied something.
Why do all of their backstories for wanting to become a hero blur together? Why do none of them have siblings, why do all of their parents have average, non-distinctive personalities?
Why have they been denied what some of the other characters have, why have they been denied-
interest, depth, complexity, power, the ability to change, the ability to branch out, stories, weakness, uniqueness, multidimensionality,
attention.
He knows that Kendou and Tetsutetsu and Shiozaki don’t feel it as hard, knows that the main characters have never felt it a day in their lives.
Which begs the question-
He talks to them himself often enough, doesn’t he? He confronts them often enough, right? He’s memorable, loud, aggressive, a joke, so he should feel it even less than anyone in Class 1-B. Except that. Why would he ever say or do what he does in the first place if he didn’t feel it?
- which came first, the chicken or the egg?
iv.
Did he never explain why he confronts Class 1-A, why he yells and challenges them?
Oh, well,
if it gets 1-A to notice them
if it gets the world to notice them
if his classmates almost shiver as the spotlight brushes them again, if it makes Midoriya or Bakugou or Iida or Todoroki or Uraraka or Kirishima or Yaoyorozu or-
If it makes them notice him,
Wouldn’t you?
v.
Kendou has a role to play. They all have roles, somewhat- and having a role isn’t bad, it’s something to be desired or craved, because with a role comes interest and attention. The only thing that anyone really has to fear is being left in the grey.
Monoma wonders if the class knows what he does for them. What would anyone remember of Class 1-B if he wasn’t constantly fighting to get them included, inducted into Class 1-A’s narrative? That they were the other hero class, that they had a few people with interesting Quirks, that they bore their relative lack of fame and skill without complaint?
They don’t always need his help. The Sports Festival, the training camp, the group battles- all of them automatically featured 1-B by design. But Monoma is the one who gets the ball rolling, he knows-
And,
And he gets the ball rolling, he’s the most memorable character in Class 1-B, they wouldn’t be half as interesting or have half their motivations without him, and he’s memorable but he still knows , and he knows and that’s what drives him to be memorable, and-
(what came first, the chicken or the egg? )
he wrestles the thought down in his mind. he doesn’t need to question why anything in this world works the way it does, why he works the way he does, he just needs to- live.
live. yeah.
vi.
He’s in the dorm common room with Tokage when he snaps.
Too much grey, too much blurriness, too much of a world that wasn’t designed for him. A world that wasn’t fucking designed for any of them, that maintains itself by following the stories of a select few people and tossing everyone else aside like trash when they’re not useful.
They have never been anything but side characters in someone else’s story, and he snaps.
“You feel it, Tokage, right?” His voice shatters the regular, humdrum greyness that they’ve been in for a couple days now. She starts. “The way we’ve always been less than Class 1-A. You feel it, right?”
Tokage’s eyes, which had been wide in alarm, narrow dismissively. “Monoma, I don’t have the time for your grudge-“
“I’m not fucking playing!” He yells (oops), surprised that no one comes running. There’s desperation in his voice. “I know you understand what I’m talking about. Tokage, can you tell me anything about your childhood? About your opinions? You can’t, and I barely can either!”
She puts her hands out like she’s trying to herd him somewhere or ward him off. “Monoma, uh, just calm down-“
“You know how the world only feels alive when class 1-A or people like them are around? Like they’re the only ones who are important, and we’re not? Don’t you ever-“
“Monoma, shut up!” She snaps and stomps away, but from his vantage point it looks like she’s running. “Don’t even know why I bother- so freaking weird- Kendou can work her magic, she always does-“
He slowly sinks to knees as she walks away.
“But something’s wrong.”
Abruptly, she freezes in the doorway. Doesn’t turn to look at him, doesn’t do anything, just freezes mid-step. Listening, he thinks faintly.
He’s silent for a few seconds as she presses her clenched fist against the doorway, shakes her head slightly like she’s battling with herself. “You do feel it, don’t you,” he says finally.
Her whole body tenses and she- half-grunts or screams in frustration before punching the wall, looking like she would so much rather not have this conversation. Finally, she just sinks to the floor too.
“Yeah.”
Monoma, ultimately, decides that this is progress. Progress of what kind or use he doesn’t know, but. Progress.
(but which came first, the chicken or the egg? which came first, the chicken or the egg?)
(it doesn't matter)
vii.
It’s not progress.
Tokage helps him now, on- on occasion. If he reminds her. He got her to admit it and damn if that didn’t feel spectacular in the moment, but even after breaking through her denial she’s mostly just defeated.
But what could we possibly do to change it, Monoma?
He wants to insist (and he does) that no, they have to fight it, they have to do all they can. Tokage just shrugs.
The world is not designed in their favor. They have no power, and could never cause any kind of change that would last long.
And besides, you’re more fleshed out than almost anyone else. Why do you care?
And.
and that’s the problem.
(which came first, the chicken or the egg? )
Because if he was designed to be like this, this character, this role, then that’s one thing. Because then he will never escape this- he will always continue to think that he’s above and aware of the game when in reality, he’s been just another chess piece all along.
But if it came from him-
and is that possible? what would that even mean? how could he possibly assert control over the author?
then that’s different, and maybe he has power.
There’s no evidence either way, and Tokage helps him challenge and call out to Class 1-A, but only if he reminds her. only if he reminds her.
because she’s defeated, but why isn’t he defeated-
And does that say something about him? Does that say that he’s different because he decided on it, or because he was chosen to be? Does he have any control over his own actions at all?
(WHICH CAME FIRST-)
He still interacts with Class 1-A as often as he can, but it’s starting to feel pointless. Is this a challenge, is this helping his class, is he being subversive? Or is it all already scripted by a higher power, scripted and sculpted to be- pointless.
There’s only one way to know, really-
one way to test it, to tell
(Tokage won’t help him on it. She won’t.)
there’s only one way to permanently figure out the shape of this world, to know for sure, and that’s to do something so
insane, so
completely left-field, that it never could have been planned.
The compass of this miniature world points unerringly to true north: to Midoriya. The single main character, the epicenter of it all. Monoma would have to try to do something insane, to Midoriya, something that would tilt the story on its axis and throw it all out of whack, something that could never have been planned-
and if it works, then he’ll know.
(which came first, the chicken or the egg? )
Monoma and the rest of Class 1-B have always been just background characters in someone else’s life. Monoma Neito either holds infinite power or no power at all, and he’ll never know which one is true until the exact day he tries.