Chapter Text
10 Rules
by: P.K. Stilinski
Hello, dear readers! So, you’ve picked up 10 Rules for Being (totally, casually, head over heels) Sort of in Love with Your BFF. Let me just say - first off - thanks, bro. I appreciate you reading my stuff. Second: sucks, bro. I’m sorry you need these rules. But stay calm! Don’t panic! I’m an expert, so you’re in luck. I’ve been BFFs with my BFF since we were ankle biters in the sandbox (and I mean that literally. Don’t pee on a kid’s sandcastle, there will be retaliation). And I’ve been into my BFF in a more than friend way for who knows how long. Possibly since the beginning. Maybe that whole peeing thing was some territorial, caveman shit. Who knows how kids’ brains work. Anyway… It sucks, it’s horrible. But I’m here to help you, dude.
Rule 1: (the most important) Just don’t do it.
Just don’t. I’m serious. That’s the first and most important rule: JUST DON’T.
For the love of god and all that is holy and just... for the love of the bro - or sis or gender nonconforming or sibling/friend - code, DO NOT fall in love with your best friend. Such a bad idea.
(Especially if you hang out with a bunch of supernatural creatures who can tell when you’re lying and can fucking smell your emotions. I’m fucking serious. You are making such a mistake. Just don’t do it.)
Now, I know, I know, it’s super hard to see this shit coming. Your BFF is no doubt a super cool dude - or dudette or non-binary dudlin@ and maybe your love for them means you just like their face, but you’re treading dangerous territory. Go any farther than appreciating their face and shit starts getting risky. Nip it in the bud.
Let’s work on acknowledging the difference between good bro behavior and going too far. Here’s a handy quiz to help you out.
-
Your BFF starts to get some sweet abs. You…
a. Congratulate your buddy.
b. Wonder how those abs feel.
c. Wrestle them so you can feel those sweet abs on your bod.
-
Your BFF leaves their shirt at your house. You…
a. Immediately return it.
b. Maybe sniff it before returning it.
c. Don’t return it. Instead you keep it hidden and occasionally sniff it or wear it to sleep or cuddle with it.
-
Inevitably, someone jokes that you guys are dating. You…
a. Laugh and say you’re an old married couple.
b. Laugh awkwardly and panic inside.
c. Don’t respond, but you go home and maybe cry a bit.
-
You’re having a nice moment and you’re physically close. The urge to make out is…
a. Nonexistent.
b. There, but easily ignored.
c. So fucking strong.
Tally up your answers, dude!
Mostly A’s: You’re a good bro, bro!
Mostly B’s: Tamp down on that shit, you’ve got a crush.
Mostly C’s: You’ve got it bad, dude. I’ve been there - I am there. This guide is for you.
For those of you who got mainly B’s - there’s hope for you yet! My advice? When you feel yourself getting all mushy, just smack yourself - physically or mentally, doesn’t matter. Your best hope is to keep a close eye on keeping your feelings friendly and to especially follow the next rule.
For those who got mainly C’s - you’re fucked, but stick to the rules and things won’t be quite so bad. Don’t get me wrong, it still sucks, it will just suck a bit less.
Rule 2: Distract yourself by loving someone else.
I know your BFF is the best and greatest person you know. And you probably feel like they’re your one and only, but you CAN love more than one person at a time. It’s a thing. Maybe you won’t love this other person as much as you love your BFF, but it will still help. Trust me.
There are lots of fish in the sea. You can eat as many as you want and they’ll still taste great, even if they don’t taste as great as the one.
…
You know what, forget I made that analogy. I didn’t mean it how it came out, but- my point is, there are other people. You’re gonna be alright.
Rule 3: Don’t touch yourself while thinking about your bro.
Trust me, you’re making it worse. I know it feels great at the time, but you’re gonna regret it. Get off to ANYONE else, but getting off to your friend comes with consequences.
Don’t train your body to connect your friend to getting off. You’ve got enough problems as it is.
Rule 4: When your body rebels, have some unsexy thoughts at the ready.
This rule isn’t quite as dire for those of you without a dick, but for comfort and convenience, keep a list of unsexy things on rotation.
My go tos are:
-Wrinkly old people sex (it’s best if they’re related to you. And the older, the better. Great-grandparents, anyone?).
-If your bro has a significant other, picture them finding out you’re thinking sexy things about said bro. They get really mad and cut your junk off.
-If you have a significant other, picture the same thing, but with your significant other cutting off your junk.
-That teacher you hate.
-Imagine your boner (or whatever the dick-less alternative of a boner is) is actually you having explosive diarrhea and if you get any more turned on, it will just burst out of you.
-Childbirth.
-Childbirth through a dick.
Rule 5: It’s not awkward if it’s a joke.
Your feelings are gonna build up. I’m really sorry, buddy. It’s just a fact. Relieve some of the tension- not that way, get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert!- by making some jokes. And who knows, maybe it’ll turn into a physical joke and you’ll get a bit of action, even if it is one time and not the real thing.
Joking about your attraction is the safest way to go. And you can always say it was just a joke. If things start to get awkward, backpedaling is your friend!
Rule 6: Always emphasize your friendliness.
OK, I already said in the last rule how you’re gonna need to relieve some tension and I’m sorry, but you’re gonna need that a lot (remember to use lots of lotion, you nasty boy!). Joking about attraction isn’t enough.
Tell your BFF how much they matter to you, but throw in some “bro”s and “man”s and “dude”s.
It’s totally fine to say, “I love you, man.” Or “Lookin’ good, dude.”
Rule 7: The friendzone is actually great. Stay there.
Fuck all those assholes who talk shit about being in the friendzone. The friendzone is a great, happy place.
I mean, would you rather be just friends with the person you love? Or would you rather not have them in your life at all? If you answered the second one, then I think you gotta rethink your idea of love, dude. Your perception is skewed. Why the hell would you think nothing is better than something?
Don’t screw yourself over. Being friends matters so much more than whatever else you think you might want.
Which leads me to the next rule.
Rule 8: Your BFF’s happiness comes before your own
If they fall in love, you fucking support them through it. You know how much loving from afar can suck, save your friend from that.
If they want help wooing, you fucking help. Be a good bro and help your bro get some ladies (or bros or non-binary peeps).
Rule 9: Protect your buddy at all costs.
I really hope you never have to come to the sudden realization that you may lose them and that a life without them might not be worth it. But lucky you! I’ve been there and I can tell you first hand, it sucks. Avoid it at all costs.
Protect your bro. Your bro is more important than you.
Life sucks already, but knowing you hurt your BFF makes it so, so much worse.
Keep them close. Hover near by if they push you away. Not in a creepy stalker way, but just to make sure they’re safe.
It doesn’t matter if they’re physically stronger than you, you protect them, tooth and nail.
They matter so much more than you or your dumb feelings.
Rule 10: Keep your feelings under wraps.
I know I said you’ll need to release the tension, but joking to your BFF that you love them is so, so much different than actually admitting it to someone.
People will guess and tease and assume, but deny it to your dying day.
The sympathy and the knowing looks are horrible. And I know you get them already, but believe me, a couple people guessing shit and giving you looks is so different than them actually knowing and giving you those looks.
They don’t know shit and you don’t need their sympathy. You’re fucking lucky enough to be best friends with an amazing person who you love a lot. You don’t need sympathy for that.
So deny everything.
Tell them it’s just how you guys are.
Tell them you were just curious.
Tell them he’s your brother.
It’s all half truths at least.
Tell them anything but the whole truth.
They can’t prove shit if you don’t tell them shit.
Don’t even give them the opportunity. Just stick to my rules.
...No matter what anyone else says.
It sucks, I know. But I’m helping you make it suck a little less. Good luck, my brother in unrequited arms. I hope you find some requited love and I hope your BFF stays your BFF.
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Afterword
by the lovely and all knowing L. D. Martin
Stiles, you're an idiot.
(God, Rule 2 explains so much.)
I want you to trust me when I say you are wrong. You don’t even know how fucking wrong you are, honey.
I know you think it’s not true, but Scott is in love with you, you idiot.
I wouldn’t lie about this and I’m not wrong.
I know this isn’t convincing you at all, but that isn’t my point.
This is just a warning.
You’re wrong and I’m fixing this.
You’re both ridiculous.