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Karanese is silent that night. Peaceful.
Levi watches the streets from his bedroom window, leaning his weight against the wall so it doesn't burden his injured leg. A thick haze of fatigue curls around him like black smoke, and it’s a constant battle to keep his eyes open. He stifles a yawn behind his palm, and glances at his bed before turning his gaze back to the window with a grimace.
The sheets will smell like her and the lavender soap she used and the peach she ate in his bed even when he told her not to. And when he closes his eyes the last thing he’ll see is strands of her hair glinting in the moonlight on the pillow she used to rest her head on.
He makes a noise of frustration, and forces the thought from his mind in favor of not thinking at all.
Outside, a man hunkers down the cobblestone road, lighting streetlamps. Levi wonders if he was among the sneering crowd that greeted them upon their return, or if he looked at all of them with pity in his eyes. Poor old soldiers, he heard an old woman murmur in between prayers to the goddesses. He remembers exactly where she stood, under the third streetlamp to the left.
He imagines she’s warm and comfortable in her bed right now, sleeping without a care in the world. He doubts she spared them so much as a second thought after she returned home.
Levi sneers, closing the curtains with a flick of his wrist and sliding down the wall. The position is far from comfortable, and his leg throbs in protest, but he can’t spare enough energy to give a fuck.
He tilts his head back against the wall and stares at the cracks in his ceiling. Life goes on, he thinks, the platitude resounding in his mind as unforgiving as the harsh truth that his squad is dead and there’s nothing he can do about it.
Levi releases a long, shuddering breath. This is the moment he’s dreaded since their return. The inevitable reflection on the whole mess. Picking apart each and every moment. Each decision. Riding through the forest, his squad screaming behind him, Eren raising his hand to his mouth, and his own piss-poor attempt at a pep talk. He recites the words in his mind, the irony of it not lost on him. Placing his trust in Erwin, even when the man could not be bothered to meet his gaze head-on.
He realizes, eventually, that his downfall hadn’t been making the wrong choice, but his inability to make one at all.
A broken swear falls from his lips, and he throws his head against the wall with a thud. There’s a burning behind his eyes, a tightening in his throat, but eventually exhaustion overtakes him and he falls into a fitful sleep.
-v-V-v-
"Captain?"
Levi shifts in his bed with a groan, smelling lavender and peaches and the slight musk of sleep-sweat on his sheets. He swallows hard, and squeezes his eyes shut.
There’s a rustling of fabric and a metallic clink as the intruder opens his curtains. He waits for Hange to launch into some rant, or Moblit to stutter out some sort of apology. No one else would have the audacity to march into his room without knocking.
"Levi?" an all-too familiar voice says, her voice a warm lilt even when she tries to sound stern. His heart pounds in his chest and he snaps upright, expecting to find his room empty.
But no, Petra stands in front of his window, haloed in warm light from the candle on his dresser. She ties the curtains back before she turns to face him, a line of worry between her brows.
"Petra?" he croaks. "What—"
Petra tilts her head to the side, strands of her hair brushing along her jaw. His hands tremble with the urge to reach out for her, but he remains in his bed, lost in the disorienting fog of sleep.
"Are you alright? It’s not like you to sleep in this late the morning of an expedition." Petra pauses and frowns. "It’s not like you to sleep at all, actually."
It’s true, he doesn’t usually sleep the night before expeditions. He runs his fingers through his hair and tugs so hard it stings. He clings to the sensation, a touchstone that reminds him he’s not dreaming.
"I was tired," he murmurs.
"Should I talk to the commander?" She strides forward and places the back of her hand against his forehead. The feeling of her cool fingers against his skin makes his breath hitch. "You don’t have a fever."
"I’m fine," he says. "Just…bad dreams."
Petra’s expression softens as she pulls her hand back. “I’m going to talk to the commander,” she states with finality. She turns on her heels and makes her way for the door.
"Wait!" She stops dead in her tracks, looking at him over her shoulder. Levi throws the covers off and rushes towards her, a strange euphoric feeling welling in his chest.
"I’m fine," he repeats. He wraps his fingers around her wrist and gives a gentle tug. She turns to face him, one of her brows raising in askance when he places her hand on his chest over his heart. He places his over hers, marveling at the strong, steady beat he finds there. "See?"
Petra stares at him for what feels like a long time before a burst of laughter escapes her lips. “What has gotten into you?”
"Nothing." He removes his hand from her chest and looks away, heat crawling up his neck. "I should get ready."
"You should." Petra lifts the hand from his chest and cups his jaw, turning his head so he’s looking at her again. "Are you sure you’re okay?"
He doesn’t bother answering, instead ducking his head so their foreheads touch. “Promise me you’ll make it out alive,” he mutters, the words catching in his throat. I can’t lose you again.
"Levi…" Petra kisses the corner of his mouth and pulls back. "You know I can’t promise that."
"So? Say it anyway."
Petra kisses him again, a near chaste brush of her lips against his, and sighs. “I promise.”
-v-V-v-
Everything goes wrong.
Levi is tired and unfocused the whole expedition, distracted by the creeping realization that he has done this all before. Each moment unfurls in front of him, familiar and terrifying.
He’s done this all before. He knows how it’s supposed to end.
He sends Auruo instead of Petra to relay the message. He falters when he hears the screams of his squad, and forgets to shoot the auditory flare. Eren raises his hand to his mouth and the words Levi knows by heart die on his tongue.
Everything goes wrong.
The Female Titan catches up to them before they reach the trap, kicking Erd and his horse away and reaching down to snatch Eren in her hands. Levi hesitates, because this is new and not supposed to happen before he hears Petra shout at the others to attack.
This time he watches them all die in front of him, and he feels six years younger and twice as useless as the Female Titan disappears in the distance.
Erwin is the one who approaches him, his practiced mask of cool composure cracking under the intensity of his anger. “Where were you?” he demands, not even sparing a glance at the mangled corpse at their feet.
"I…don’t know what happened." He looks up from her broken body and meets Erwin’s gaze. "This wasn't how it was supposed to go."
Erwin looks away, his eyes going flint-hard as he stares off in the direction the Female Titan ran away.
"No," Erwin agrees, his voice heavy and solemn with defeat. "It’s not."
-v-V-v-
This time, he knows to avoid Petra’s father.
He hangs towards the back of the group, ducking his head into the cowl of his cloak when people begin to shout.
Petra’s father does not find him this time, but Mikasa does.
"You were supposed to protect him," she seethes, grabbing the front of his cloak. "That’s what you said, isn't it? In front of all those people. So eager to show everyone—"
"Mikasa!" the blonde shouts. He looks dazed, the wrappings around his head turning pink with blood.
Mikasa releases his cloak, not bothering to finish her tirade but her message loud and clear in the scathing look she gives him as she marches off.
"I’m sorry," he says, but no one’s there to hear him.
-v-V-v-
"Captain?"
Levi awakens with a jolt, smelling lavender and peaches and the slight musk of sleep-sweat on his sheets. He opens his eyes and watches Petra stride across the room to the window.
"The commander wants to see you in his office," Petra says as she opens the window.
He throws his legs over the side of the bed and props his elbows on his knees, holding his face in his hands. The last thing he remembers is Hange showing up in his office with a mug of tea, and telling him to get some rest. He fell asleep at his desk.
"Levi?" He can hear the frown in her voice, an image of how she looks right now clear in his mind. "Are you alright? It’s not like you—"
"Come here."
"There isn't a lot of time, Levi. We have to prepare for the expedition."
"I know," Levi replies with a grimace. "Just…come over here."
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her plant her hands on her hips and frown at him. He almost smiles. “Petra,” he says firmly, outstretching a hand.
Petra rolls her eyes and marches across the room to him. She releases a long breath when he wraps his arms around her, some of the tension leaving her body.
She’s nervous.
He swallows the lump in his throat and presses his face against her abdomen, focusing on clean linen and soap smell of her, the steady rise and fall of her chest. She threads her fingers through his hair and tilts his head back so he’s forced to look at her.
"Are you okay?" Amber eyes meet his, warm and searching and worried, and he sneers at the bitter irony of it all. ”You’re not acting like you’re okay.”
"I’m fine," he lies, and tightens his arms around her. "What about you?"
Petra hesitates. “I’m…not sure. I have a strange feeling.” She tears her gaze from his, gnawing on her bottom lip for a moment as she tries to find the words. “Like there’s writing on the wall, but not all of us can read it.”
Levi opens his mouth to reply, but clamps it shut when he realizes he doesn't have a response for that. He averts his gaze, and wonders if things would be different, if he told her.
"I’m proud to be a soldier, and to be a part of the Scouting Legion," Petra continues, and he looks back at her in surprise, "but…sometimes I wish…" She trails off, losing her nerve, and her shoulders bounce in a half-hearted attempt at a noncommittal shrug. "Sometimes I just wish things were different. That’s not too selfish, is it?"
"No." He holds on tighter, and once again presses his face against her. Petra makes a noise of surprise, but holds him close. "Just selfish enough."
The two of them remain still, the clock on his nightstand ticking the passing time, getting louder with each passing second. He slows his breathing even as his thoughts race. Let’s run away, let’s pack our bags and never look back.
But then Petra leans down to press a lingering kiss to the crown of his head, and pulls away.
"You should start getting ready, Captain. We have a long day ahead of us."
He watches her leave, his heart in his throat. The door shuts with finality, leaving him alone feeling useless and sick.
-v-V-v-
Hange once told him to do the same action over and over again and expect different results was a lesson in futility.
"It’s why I try not to get so angry these days," they said, smiling down at their tea during one of their midnight conversations. "Humanity’s been pissed off for decades and not a single thing has changed."
But he’s not as smart as Hange. Not even close.
He tried to make changes. He tried to explain things to Erwin, tried to warn him, but Erwin pulled him from duty, and for the first time in his life, he stood in the sneering crowd and watched as they removed the bodies from the carts.
Petra’s body wasn't there, as usual.
Hange’s was.
Levi stopped trying to make changes after that.
Now he just goes through the motions, resigned to this vicious cycle, comforting himself with the knowledge that he’ll see them all again the next morning.
-v-V-v-
Levi starts making an effort to talk all of them. Brief snatches of conversation stolen in between tasks, nothing more than small talk, but for some reason it helps.
Kind of.
-v-V-v-
He learns that Auruo has five siblings, and Auruo shares bits and pieces of their lives. His mother has a crush on Mike, and his father is famous for his beef stew recipe. One of his sisters wants to be a soldier like him, and the oldest brother wants to be a famous musician in Sina.
"One of his strings broke," Auruo tells him. He distracts himself with saddling his horse, sometimes looking over his shoulder to see if Levi’s still listening. His voice sounds different, softer and mild, and Levi realizes he hasn't heard Auruo’s real voice in what feels like a long time.
"I’m going to buy him a new one, and see if I can find someone to fix it." And then he smiles, a genuine smile that resembles his usual smug smirk about as much as a puppy resembles a Titan.
"He’s going to be so good. All those rich fucks in Sina won’t be able to get enough of him."
-v-V-v-
Erd talks about his lover over breakfast. Her name is Elizabeth, but he calls her Liza. Childhood sweethearts, Erd explains, and his cheeks turn the faintest shade of pink as he rubs the back of his neck.
Erd isn't the most talkative person he’s ever met, but he comes to life when he talks about Liza.
"I’m going to marry her," he states, waving his spoon around and grinning at Levi like an idiot. Then something shifts in his eyes, a knowing gleam. "What about you? Have anyone special?"
Levi scoffs as he raises his mug to his lips, because he’s spent enough time with Hange to know a know-it-all, shit-eating grin when he sees one.
"Yeah. I do."
He doesn't see the point in lying anymore.
-v-V-v-
Gunther likes to drink his morning tea outside in the quiet moments before sunrise. It’s not the first time he’s let Levi join him, but it is the first time the two of them talked.
"I do this with my father sometimes. Sit out on the porch with him. He likes to watch the changing colors." Gunther does a vague gesture towards the sky.
He catches the sour expression on Levi’s face and chuckles. “Not that I’m making a comparison. He’s turning sixty soon.”
"Good." Levi looks down at his boots, and frowns at his sudden discomfort. A sardonic smile twists his lips. "I can’t say I’m father-figure material."
Gunther makes a thoughtful humming sound. “I don’t know.” He tilts his head and watches the sky. “You’re not so bad.”
-v-V-v-
It takes losing her a dozen and a half times for him to work up the nerve to say the words. And even then, it happens more on impulse than anything else.
He kisses her in his office, swallowing her sound of surprise, parting her lips to taste her deeply. Her hands bunch the fabric of his shirt as she pushes against him, making low noises in her throat and seeking friction
His back hits one of the bookshelves, and several books fall to the ground around them. Petra jumps back with a startled sound.
"Oh no!" One of her hands flies up to cover her mouth as a blush stains her cheeks. She toes the books at her feet and looks at him with a sheepish smile. "Guess I got a little carried away."
Levi sucks in a ragged breath. “I love you,” he blurts, the words coming out in a hot rush without any sort of finesse. Her smile fades and her jaw slackens, and he clenches his eyes shut, because of course he got it fucking wrong.
"I love you too," she breathes, "but I’m sure you know that by now."
"I do." His chest constricts and his stomach feels sick and it’s not the first time he’s heard the words, but it’s possible it’ll be the last. "And now you know."
Petra laughs, stepping into his arms to embrace him. “I always knew,” she murmurs against his ear, and Levi sags with relief.
He makes it a habit to tell her every day after that, regardless.
-v-V-v-
He endures, but there’s only so much a person can take.
He’s terrified the cycle will never end.
He’s terrified that it will.
-v-V-v-
It does end, eventually.
Levi refuses when Erwin tells him to refuel, instead cutting a fast path through the forest towards the Female Titan. He rockets through the branches, draining his fuel and ignoring the sharp pain when a branch drags against his skin.
He arrives just in time.
Everything happens in a span of a heartbeat. He intercepts the shifter before she strikes Gunther, using the last of his gas to propel himself forward to shove him out of the way. Her blade sinks into his side, and then he’s falling.
He blacks out before the impact, and the next thing he knows he’s on the ground. Sunlight streams through the leaves, warming his face. He hears the fight, hears them shouting challenges and swears and the corner of his mouth raises in a smile.
He knows they’ve won before he feels their presence. Someone grabs his hand. Petra. Her tears hit his hand like raindrops. It takes an enormous effort, but he manages to open one eye.
"You’re alive," he croaks. His final breaths rattle in his chest, and he wheezes with effort, trying to suck in as much air as he can, to hold on a little longer.
Petra nods and presses his hand against her face.
"We won." Auruo chimes in. He makes a sound that could either be a laugh or sob, Levi can’t tell. "We kicked her ass, sir."
"About time."
He shuts his eye, releases a shuddering exhale, and does not wake again.