Archive of Our Own

She knows she’s dreaming, she knows the chains on her wrists are imaginary, the marks on her back have long since healed over. She knows that when she opens her eyes, she’ll be safe and warm and laying next to the woman she loves. The rational side of her brain knows this, and knows that Juliana will wake up to comfort her, even if that comfort is simply sitting with the lights on. She knows Juliana will hold her if she asks, will smooth her hair back and whisper reassurances in her ear until she feels safe enough to drift back to sleep. She also knows the cycle will repeat itself over and over again, as it had done every night. 

As much as Valentina wants to curl up in Juliana’s arms and let her sooth her fears, she can’t. She doesn’t feel like she deserves to reach for Juliana anymore, not after what she did. Not knowing the crimes that weigh on her shoulders, the blood that stains her hands. Juliana didn’t deserve that burden and Valentina refused to give it to her. 

Instead, Valentina suffers in silence each night she spends with Juliana, laying close enough to feel her warmth but holding herself back from reaching out. It seems like they play a game of wills each night, waiting for the other to fall asleep. Valentina always wins, even when she doesn’t want too. Juliana isn’t accustomed to running on such little sleep, not in the same way Valentina is. It’s one of the many reasons Valentina doesn’t think she should be staying with Juliana. 

"I think I should move back into the mansion." 

Valentina’s whispered words echo in the dark bedroom. She and Juliana lay side by side in Juliana’s bed, both of them looking up at the ceiling. Juliana turns to lay on her side when Valentian speaks. 

“Do you think it will help?” She keeps her voice low, resisting the urge to reach out and touch Valentina. She feels so close and still so far away. 

“I don’t know.” Valentina turns her head to look at Juliana. Her eyes are still haunted, cloudy. Everyday they try to move on from Vacio, it feels like they move further away from each other. It’s the last thing Juliana wants but she doesn’t know how to stop it from happening. “But I can’t keep doing this to you.” 

“Val,” Juliana does reach out now, settling the palm of her hand on the center of Valentina’s chest, “you’re not hurting me.” 

“Maybe not now,” Valentina’s eyes fall closed and she took a deep breath, “but we both know I’m not okay.” 

It’s a hard truth to admit. Alacran died over a month ago and Valentina had yet to sleep through the night. Everytime she closed her eyes she was back in captivity, only this time the torture she endured wasn’t directed at her. She saw Eva and Lucia, Guille, all being whipped just as she had been, destroyed and broken down inch by inch and all she could do was stand by and watch. Those dreams were nothing compared to what her dreams conjured up when Juliana was the one being tortured. It was easier not to sleep. 

“What happened to ‘I’ll always come home to you’?” Juliana expects Valentina to react to her question somehow, maybe tense up or push Juliana away, accuse her of twisting Valentina’s words. Instead, Valentina keeps her eyes closed and releases a sigh. 

“I will,” her voice is soft, a hint of something in her tone that Juliana can’t identify. Maybe she doesn’t want too. “But I think I need to come home to me, first.” 

“I don’t want to lose you,” it’s a whispered confession to match Valentina's from earlier. It’s the one thing Juliana is really scared of: losing Valentina to demons that she can’t help fight off. 

“There’s not a ‘me’ to lose. I don’t know who I am anymore.” Valentina shifts in the bed, moving closer and pressing her forehead against Juliana’s. It’s the closest she would get to kissing her since the night she woke up. “Until I do, I can’t do this.” 

“I don’t want this to feel like another goodbye,” Juliana can feel the tears filling her eyes, trying to blink them away only makes them fall faster. “I love you.” 

“I love you,” Valentina’s lips are a breath away from Juliana’s. “Which is why I need you to let me go for a little while.” 

Juliana knows that Valentina is right, she knows how hard it can be to love someone when you can’t love yourself. There was a time that Juliana had thought her ability to love died right beside Valentina, she knew she would never love anyone the way she had loved Valentina. She remembers the days she struggled to think she was worthy of anyone’s love, having grown up with a sicario father and well-meaning but absentee mother. She remembers Valentina showing her what love was like, and sometimes, love was waiting. Waiting for the one you loved to come back, to come home. Juliana had waited for three years, she could wait longer. She’d wait forever if Val asked her too. 

“Take all the time and space you need,” Juliana whispers. “But I am not letting you go.” 

Juliana leans in and kisses her then, like she’s scared it’s the last time she’ll be able to do so. Valentina kisses back softly, just for a moment, and then pulls away. 

When Valentina leaves for the Carvajal mansion in the morning, she doesn’t kiss Juliana goodbye. Juliana’s stares at the closed covers of their photo albums and tries to remind herself that Valentina will come back to her, just like she promised. 

~

Her bedroom at the mansion was exactly like Valentina had left it, except for the empty feeling she felt when she stepped across the threshold. Her feet carried her to the far wall, next to her window seat. The surface there was almost entirely covered in photographs, dating back to when Valentina was a child up until the day she disappeared. Valentina fingers the last photo she and Juliana had taken together before she left. It was taken outside, in the hammock, Valentina has her nose buried in Juliana’s hair. Juliana has one arm extended out of frame, her smile wide and eyes closed as she leans into Valentina. 

“We couldn’t bring ourselves to change anything,” Guille’s voice pulls Valentina from her memories and she turns to him. He stands in the doorway, hands in his pockets. He looks unsure, out of his element, like he doesn't know how to act around Valentina anymore. He’s not the only to have acted that way since Valentina returned. “It was hard enough to even come in here.” 

“I guess you didn’t do that often, huh?” Valentina doesn’t know what to do with herself. She recognizes that the room and everything in it belongs to her but it feels too pure. She doesn't want to blacken anything by touching it. She settles for sitting in the desk chair, and tries to ignore the rush of memories that want to over take her. 

“Not really, Chivis did to clean but, I…” Guille looks away from her and swallows hard. “I couldn’t bring myself to be in here, or dad’s office. It hurt too much.” 

Guille doesn’t tell her about Juliana sometimes coming there during the first six months Val had gone, to copy pictures or steal one of Valentina’s jackets to sleep in, or just to feel closer to Val. He doesn’t tell her about the times he saw Eva stood by the door, hand raised as if to knock before she turned away with a sob. He doesn’t tell her about the times he would walk by and close the door because he couldn’t bear seeing the room so unlived in. He doesn’t tell her about the weeks Lucia spent sleeping downstairs because she couldn’t walk past Valentina’s bedroom or enter her own without crying. He doesn’t tell her anything of the pain their family suffered, but he feels like she knows anyway. 

“I know,” Valentina looks at her brother, really looks at him. He looks older, his beard filled out more, his frame sturdier somehow. Valentina wonders how many hours he spent in the gym, trying to beat his pain away on a punching bag or in the weight room. She can see the lines on his face that make him look twenty years older than he is, the way his shoulders slump with the weight of all the suffering he’s endured. It’s not as much as it was when Valentina first returned, Guille like everyone else starting to really believe that Valentina was home for good. She hopes they’re right, she hopes that watching her family heal will be enough to heal her too. 

She hopes her scars aren’t too much to push them away. 

“Chivis is making lunch, whenever you’re hungry,” Guille said. He doesn’t know if he wants Valentina to laugh or cry, or smile. He just wants her to feel, something other than whatever has her heart sitting so low. He’d never seen a woman so bogged down by pain in his life and he’s terrified that the bright young woman his sister used to be died for real beneath Alacran’s whip. 

“I guess I should eat,” Valentina mumbles more to herself, like she knows she should eat but she doesn’t really want to. Guile waits for her at the door and they walk downstairs together. He wants to throw his arm around her shoulders, her wants to tease her about Juliana and ask about her future plans. He doesn’t. 

Once they reach the dining room, he doesn’t notice the bottle of mezcal Valentina slips into her jacket pocket. 

Days turned to weeks and Valentina starts to feel somewhat alive again. She’s alone for most of the day, while Guille, Lucia and Eva are at work and Juliana is in class. Chivis hovers near her for a little while each day at the beginning but then returns to her normal routine. Valentina spends most mornings running around the land surrounding the mansion, to uneasy to sit still in the house. Sometimes she feels like she spent three years in constant motion, moving faster than possible and now, she doesn’t know how to slow down. She’s afraid if she stops, the shadows she runs from will catch up and devour her from the inside out. 

So she runs, she pushes herself until she knows she can’t push any harder. She knows her limits, knows when to stop so that she won’t worry her family. She knows her family worries anyway, from the way they still linger in doorways, from the scared way they call out her name when she’s not where expected. They worry because she seems to be improving, on the outside. Her skin isn’t so pale, her frame not so thin anymore, she’s stopped reaching for her weapons at any sudden noise or movement. Juliana worries, so, so much. Valentina can see it written on every inch of her when they see one another. 

Valentina won’t let herself be alone with Juliana, not yet. It’s too tempting for her, she wants to fall into Juliana’s arms and tell her about the shadows that chase her, the visions that haunt her dreams. But she won’t. She can’t. Telling Juliana what she feels means hurting Juliana and Valentina swore that no matter what sort of monster she became, she would never hurt Juliana. She tries to resist the pull she has to Juliana, tries to not stand to close, not sit next to her on the couch or at the table, tries to keep herself from reaching out and tangling their fingers together. She tries and she fails, because there are only two times that she really feels okay. The first is when she has Juliana with her, close to her, when she can turn to Juliana and know that she won’t disappear when she blinks. 

The second is when her throat burns with another shot and her mind is too far gone to remember that the shadows that haunt her are bad. 

Juliana is waiting for her by the pool when Valentina decides she’d done enough running for the day. Valentina hesitates slightly at the sight of her, Juliana looks stressed. Her shoulders are tense, she’s playing with the zipper on her jacket absentmindedly. Her eyes are unfocused as Valentina approaches, her lips pulled together in a frown. Valentina remembers a time when she would have wrapped her arms around Juliana from behind, complaining about the heat and how sweaty she was. Juliana would have grumbled and told her she was gross but wouldn’t have tried to leave her embrace. Valentina would have leaned in and kissed her frown away. It feels like a lifetime ago. 

“Is everything okay?” Valentina asks instead as she steps around Juliana to the small table and picks up her water bottle and a towel to wipe her face with. She takes a couple long gulps of her water before she turns to Juliana again. “Juliana?” 

“Hmm? Oh it’s fine.” Juliana snaps herself out of whatever daze she had been in and offers Valentina a smile. “Just some assignment stuff, nothing too important.” 

“Tell me about it?” Valentina requests, half because she wants to know what’s going in Juliana’s life and half because she doesn’t want to talk about what’s happening in her own. 

“It’s nothing,” Juliana waves away her question. Valentina wants to argue that it is something, it’s Juliana’s life, her struggles. It’s something Valentina had missed so much of. Instead Valentina nods her understanding and gestures for Juliana to follow her inside where Chivis would have lunch ready. 

“There, you are Vale,” Eva said from where she was seated at the table, an untouched plate of food on the table before her, “and Juls.” Eva smiles at them, clearly happy to see them walking in together. 

“Hey, Eva,” Juliana greeted as she took her place. Valentina almost took the seat across from Juliana but changed her mind at the last second to sit beside her instead. The smile Juliana sent her said she had made the right choice, but the way her stomach twisted in guilt said she did the opposite. “How’s work?” 

Valentina lets Eva and Juliana carry the conversation, only speaking up when Lucia enters and then Guille a few moments later. Her family had made it a point to come home for lunch everyday since Valentina had moved in and Valentina didn’t know if she should thank them or tell them to leave her alone. Guille and Eva look at her like she could break at any second, like they’re waiting for it to happen so they can be there to catch her when she falls. Juliana looks at her with so much hope and love Valentina almost can’t bear to look back, because she knows that staying away hurts Juliana, but getting closer would only hurt her more. Lucia, Valentina can’t quite make out her expression when she looks at Valentina. It’s not quite heartbreak, nor is it pity, a hint of sadness maybe and also a maternal care but nothing as overwhelming as the others. Or maybe it is overwhelming but Valentina can’t look at Lucia for too long without thinking about her father, so she looks away before she can see it. 

“Val, do you want some more?” Eva’s question shakes Valentina out of her mind and she focuses on her family. They try to look like they aren’t waiting for her to say something and continue their conversation, it doesn’t work well but a part of Valentina appreciates the effort. 

“No, thanks. I’m going to go take a shower,” Valentina leaves the table before the others can reply. She pauses at the door to the kitchen to thank Chivis for lunch before she continues up the stairs to her bedroom. Once the door is closed she leans her back against it, breathing deeply. Footsteps approach slowly, she can hear fabric shift as the person on the other side lifts their hand. Valentina waits for a knock but it doesn’t come. 

“I love you, Valentina,” Juliana’s voice floats through the door. The wood separating them does nothing to muffle the emotion in Juliana’s voice. Valentina turns to lean her forehead against the door and wonders if Juliana does the same from the other side. “I love you.” 

Valentina expects Juliana to say something else, maybe ask if she needs more time, or if she’s okay. Valentina wouldn’t know how to answer either of those questions. She doesn’t know how much time she needs. She doesn’t know if she’s ever going to be okay. But, Juliana stays silent on the other side of the door and the weight of her silence makes something in Valentina shift. Tears fill her eyes and fall but she doesn’t try to stop them. Every part of her wants to open the door, to hold Juliana close and tell her that she loves her too, but she doesn’t. She leans against the door and cries until long after Juliana’s steps had retreated. She doesn’t know how long Juliana stands outside her door or how long she cries. 

Then, when her tears finally stop, Valentina rises and heads to her dresser when she removes one of the bottles of mezcal she had been holding onto. She doesn’t bother with a glass, instead gulping the alcohol down straight from the bottle. It burns her already raw throat and she wants to cry again. 

She doesn’t. 

Instead, she finishes the bottle and hides in her room the rest of the day. 

~

Juliana returns to the dining room and finds only Lucia there. 

“Guille and Eva had to go back to work,” Lucia explains as Juliana reclaims her seat. Her food is still sitting there on the table but she doesn’t feel like eating. 

“Sorry, I didn’t think I’d be up there that long,” Juliana had been up and out of her seat following Valentina before she thought about what she was doing. It was second nature to her, to comfort Valentina when she was upset, to be with Valentina no matter what but everytime she reached for Val only to have Valentina turn the other way felt like she lost a piece of her heart that she didn’t know how to get back. 

“What happened?” Lucia asked softly, curious but not wanting to pressure Juliantina into answering if she didn’t want too. It was a hard time for all of them, readjusting to this new Valentina but Lucia thought Juliana had gotten the worst end of the stick. The love of her life was back, alive and safe but not willing to be together again despite how clear it was that they still loved each other. 

“Nothing,” Juliana shrugged. “I didn’t even go into her room.” Juliana picked at her nails with her teeth. Lucia rounded the table to sit beside her, placing a comforting hand on her arm. “I don’t think she’s dealing with what happened. She’s not healing. She’s still not home.” 

“She might never be,” Lucia said gently, rubbing Juliana’s arm in a maternal manner. “I know it hurts to think about, but the Valentina we knew may never come back.” 

“I know,” Juliana sniffled against the tears that threatened to spill, “I know that. I know she thinks she’s too different now. I just wish she knew that I want to know the person she is now, whoever that is. Whatever she thinks will scare me away, won’t.” 

“I think she does know that,” Lucia reached for the pitcher of water and refilled her glass. “When she looks at you, it’s the only time she seems okay, or like she might be okay. I don’t think she’s worried about scaring you away.” 

“Then what is she worried about?” Juliana asked softly and she sounded more broken than Lucia had ever heard her. 

“I don’t know for sure, but if I had to hazard a guess...I think she’s scared that she’s going to hurt you.” 

Juliana looked up sharply. “She would never.” 

“I know, I know that and so do you.” Lucia held her hands up in the universal sign of I mean no harm before placing her hand on Juliana’s arm again. “But I don’t think she knows that. You heard what that man said in the warehouse, Valentina has one weakness. You.” 

Juliana shivered at the memory of a gun pressed against her temple, the man who had tormented Valentina so much promising to make it worse by hurting Juliana. “But she didn’t hurt me, she isn’t hurting me intentionally.” 

“Maybe she’s scared she will,” Lucia said with a frown, “maybe the fight is over for us but not for her. She was gone for a long time, she was scared and alone and turned into a weapon. Then she came back and had to be saviour for everyone else.” 

“What are you saying?” Juliana asked. Lucia looked at her and Juliana felt as if she was being let in on some sort of secret but she didn’t know what it was. 

“I’m saying, Valentina nearly lost her life to save all of us,” Lucia squeezed Juliana’s arm, “maybe now she needs us to save her, keep her safe and remind her that she’s loved, so she can save herself from whatever demons she created.” 

“What if she doesn’t want to save herself?” Juliana whispered. “What if she can’t?” 

“She can, she will,” Lucia pulled Juliana into a hug and spoke firmly. “She came home to you Juliana, she’s trying to keep you from hurting, even if she’s going about it wrong. She’s still fighting. I know you’ve fought for so long, and I know you thought you didn’t have to anymore, but you need to hold on. We all do. Hold on and trust that Valentina will come home. Can you do that?” 

Juliana nodded because she didn’t know what to say. Lucia was right, Juliana needed to hold on. She had promised she wouldn’t let go of Valentina, no matter how long it took, Juliana would be there, waiting with her heart and arms open for Valentina. She hadn’t given up on Valentina in the three years they had been apart, when she had no way to know for sure if Valentina was even alive. She wouldn’t give up now, not when she knew Valentina could get better. Juliana wouldn’t give up on someone she loved and she loved Valentina more than anything. 

Juliana left the Carvajal mansion soon after her talk with Lucia and returned to her apartment. She kicked her shoes off by the door and dropped her keys on the coffee table before collapsing on the couch. She ran her fingers through her hair and released a loud sigh, not fighting the tears that wanted to fall. The more she thought about what Lucia said, the more it made sense. Maybe it had been selfish of Juliana to hope things would go back to normal for her and Valentina. She scoffed at her own thoughts. She didn’t know what normal meant for them anymore. Her normal was searching for a woman the world believed dead, Valentina’s normal was fighting in a war no one knew about. 

“She’s closing you out, isn’t she?” Juliana jumps off the couch when the voice reaches her ears, spinning with wide eyes to face the woman she hadn’t realized was in her apartment. 

“Maya,” Juliana holds a hand to her chest to try and calm her racing heart. “I thought you left town.” 

“I did,” Maya takes a seat on Juliana’s couch, “but I thought I should check in. See how she’s doing.” 

“Well, you checked the wrong place.” Juliana plopped back down on the opposite end of the couch from Maya. “She hasn’t been here in weeks.” 

“Hmm,” Maya hums and looks over at Juliana. “You think she isn’t healing.” 

“I think she’s still fighting, but I don’t know how to help her.” Juliana corrects. She plays with the charm hanging from her neck. 

“Maybe you can’t. Maybe she won’t let you.” 

“Maybe not.” Juliana held the silver ‘v’ in the palm of her hand and closed her eyes. “But I have to try.” 

“You really love her,” It’s not a question or a statement, not exactly. Juliana opens her eyes and looks at Maya. 

“With everything I have.” 

“Fight for her,” Maya tells her and then smiles sadly. “If anyone can save that girl from herself, it’s you. You were the only thing that kept her going.” 

“How do you know?” Juliana asks and sits up slightly. She knew that Maya felt something for Valentina, she could see it on her face plain as day, but she wasn’t sure how deep those feelings ran, or if Valentina had ever returned them. 

“She used to call out for you,” Maya looks away, as if the admission hurts her. “Every night, she would dream about you, I could hear her. She’d say your name, mumble to you. I could see her move around, like she was looking for you. Then she’d wake up, remember where she was and hold onto that necklace, just like you are.” Maya gestures at the hand Juliana still has wrapped around her charm. “I bet she still does.” 

Juliana didn’t know how to respond to that and it seemed like Maya wasn’t expecting her too as she continued speaking. “I used to think that if she would forget about you, she’d be better off. Maybe she would have realized what was right in front of her. Maybe she would have…” 

“Maybe she would have loved you.” Juliana doesn’t know what to say or feel. She’s overwhelmed by the amount of emotions she felt over the course of her day. 

“She wouldn’t have, I know that now.” Maya shakes her head and stands up. “Even if she had felt something for me, it could never have compared.” Maya moves to Juliana’s door and places her hand on the knob. Then, she half turns to Juliana again. “She’ll come back to you, I know she will. Just promise me that when she does, you won’t run from her. That you’ll love her, scars and all.” 

“I promise,” Juliana says. It won’t be a hard promise to keep. Loving Val is the easiest thing she’s ever done. 

“Good.” Maya leaves then and Juliana doubts she’ll ever see her again. She wishes she had thought to thank Maya, for staying with Valentina, for being there when Juliana couldn’t, maybe even for loving Valentina. Maya was part of the reason Valentina had survived, she had helped Val come home and for that, Juliana would be forever grateful. 

~

Lucia catches her by accident one night. She had stayed late at El Centro reviewing applications of the recent graduates, and half-way wondering if she would see an application with Juliana’s name on it ever cross her desk. She had seen some of Juliana’s work over the years and she knew she would be a brilliant journalist, but she also knew Juliana had never forgotten her dream of being a fashion designer. Lucia hadn’t realized the late hour until after she had reviewed the applicants and decided to head home for the evening, not expecting to find anyone in the mansion awake. 

When she opened the door, she was greeted by a rhythmic thumping sound coming from near the back. Lucia followed the sound to the workout area Guille had put together beside the pool. The door had been left open, otherwise Lucia was sure she wouldn’t have heard a thing. She took a deep breath to try and prepare herself for what she would see. She thinks, after stepping around the corner, that maybe she should have taken another breath or given herself more time. 

It’s Valentina that she finds, her hands wrapped as she strikes the dummy Guille used to practice boxing again and again. That doesn’t surprise her so much, of all the people living in the mansion, Valentina was the one who slept the least. She was always the last one to bed and the first one to rise, sometimes Lucia wondered if she even slept at all. It wasn’t a shock to see Val awake at such a late hour. It was a shock to see the lines of white across her back, pale and raised slightly. They look as if the scars had been there a long time, clearly healed but leaving a lasting mark of Valentina’s body. Suddenly, Lucia remembers the story Valentina had told them after she and Guille had been thrown into the room with them at the warehouse. She remembers the hollow voice Valentina had spoken with as she described the way Alacran had tortured her, the sting of the whip against her back. 

“Valentina,” Lucia watches as Val’s shoulders tense and she turns, arms held up ready to defend herself. She’s breathing hard, her body covered in sweat but it’s not seeing that breaks the damn in Lucia. It’s when Valentina’s eyes widen and she wraps her arms around herself, trying to hide herself. It’s the way she opens her mouth to say something but no sound comes out. It’s when Valentina tries again and this time there is a sound, a heart wrenching sob escapes her and she drops to the floor. Lucia realizes that half the moisture on Valentina’s face is tears and she feels something in her break. 

She’s beside Valentina in a second, unsure how to proceed but wanting nothing more than to comfort the young woman who had become a daughter to her. Valentina shifts, moving so her back is facing away from Lucia. Lucia looks around and spots a towel on a chair nearby, and reaches for it. She holds it up fully, spreading her arms out. Valentina watches her closely as she approaches again. Lucia holds her breath as she wraps her arms around Valentina, using the towel as a buffer so she doesn’t touch Valentina’s skin. Valentina cries harder. 

“I’m sorry,” Valentina says through her sobs, “I’m so sorry.” 

“Shh, shh, Vale.” Lucia runs her fingers through Valentina’s sweaty hair to sooth her. “I don’t understand why you are apologizing.” 

“I came back,” Valentina moves like she wants to pull away from Lucia but Lucia holds her tighter. “I came back, I’m alive. Papi isn’t.” 

“Oh, Val,” Lucia feels Valentina’s sink further into her and she wonders if this is part of the reason Val had been so distant. She wonders if this is part of the battle going on inside Valentina’s mind and curses herself for not thinking of it sooner. Valentina had been gone for so long, fighting so hard, she never had the chance to mourn her father. “It’s not your fault, mija.” 

“Why didn’t they take me too?” Valentina asks and Lucia feels what’s left of her heart shatter. “Why did we have to lose him?” 

“I don’t know why, Valentina. I wish I did.” Lucia kisses Valentina’s forehead and holds her tighter. She doesn’t care that Valentina has cried a wet spot onto her shoulder, that she’s shaking from her sobs or probably ruining the slacks she wore to work. All she cares about is helping Valentina and she doesn’t know how to do that. 

“I miss him, Lucia. I miss him so much,” Valentina takes a shuddering breath. 

“I do too, Val, every day, but I know one thing.” Lucia felt Valentina pull back and looked down at her. The question that she can’t voice is in her eyes. “He would rather you be here, safe and alive, than be wherever he is now.” 

“You can’t know that.” Val looks away from Lucia. 

“I can, because I know how he felt for his kids.” Lucia pulls Valentina back against herself and rocks slightly. “He loved you and your siblings more than anything. He wanted you to live and be happy, and he still wants that now.” 

“I don’t know how to do that anymore.” Valentina admits. “I don’t know how to feel anything but scared.” 

“It’s okay to be scared.” Lucia strokes Valentina’s hair again. Her sobs have lost some of their intensity but she still feels Valentina’s shoulders shake. “Most people are. I am, and I know Guille and Eva are as well. And Juliana.” 

Valentina looks up at Lucia again, as much as she can without moving her head from Lucia’s chest. Lucia wonders if this is what it had been like when Val was a child, before her mom passed. She hoped that, wherever she was, Leon’s first wife approved of Lucia taking on this role of maternal comfort. Lucia knows that Valentina wants to ask about what scares Juliana but can’t bring herself to say the words. 

“She’s scared that you don’t love her anymore. Juliana’s scared that you won’t let her love you.” Lucia feels the breath Val releases and the flutter of her eyelashes against her neck. 

“I don’t know how to.” Valentina pulls away from Lucia completely and Lucia lets her go. Valentina wraps the towel around herself as she goes, hiding her scars from view. “I spent so much time fighting against the world, I don’t know how to live in it anymore.” 

“Let us help you,” Lucia stood when Valentina did but didn’t try to approach her again. She could see Valentina closing herself off. “I promise we aren’t going to run away. Juliana won’t leave you.” 

“Maybe she should.” Valentina half turns to Lucia and there’s more emotion on her face than Lucia seen in the full two months that had been back. Valentina shakes her head and her face is a blank mask again. “It’s late, you should get some sleep.” 

She’s gone before Lucia can reply. Lucia makes it to her bedroom before her knees give out and she collapses on the floor. She cries, cries for everything Valentina lost, cries for their family, cries for Leon and Juliana, until her throat aches and her eyes sting and there’s no tears left for her to cry. She hauls herself up and into bed after stripping off her work clothes and lays awake against the pillows. She tries to think of something she can do to help Valentina, but she fears there’s nothing that can be done. 

After all, no one can save the people who don’t want to be saved. 

~

“How are you doing, mija?” Lupe asks her daughter. Their sitting together on the couch in the house Lupe shares with Panchito. Panchito is in the kitchen, cooking dinner for the three of them. It’s supposed to be a party, a celebration for Lupe and Panchito who had finally decided to get married. Juliana was happy for them, unbelievably so. Her mother deserves all the happiness in the world. Still, Juliana didn’t feel much like celebrating. “And Valentina? I was hoping to see her soon.” 

“I’m…” Juliana closes her eyes for a second. “I’m here.” 

“I thought since she was back…” Lupe trailed off, her smile fading as Juliana closed her eyes again and leaned her head back against the wall, “I thought you said she was getting better.” 

“I thought she was,” Juliana ran her fingers through her hair. “We were good, the first few days. Right after she woke up. We were together and it wasn’t perfect but it was okay. She was there, I could feel her there. But then,” 

“What happened?” Panchito asked, entering from the kitchen with a towel over his shoulder. He crossed his arms over his chest and rested against the arm of the couch beside Lupita.

“I don’t know. She stopped sleeping, stopped eating. She would barely speak and sometimes she would look at me like…” 

“Like what?” Lupe asked, holding Juliana by the arm to keep her from turning away of hiding. 

“Like she thought I wasn’t real. It was like she could stare right at me and not see anything.” Juliana felt the tears filling her eyes and fought to keep them from falling. “She broke down the other day, Lucia told me. Whatever battle Valentina’s still fighting, Lucia thinks she’s about to give it up. We don’t know what will happen if she does.”

Lupe and Panchito looked like they wanted to press for answers, ask about Valentina’s breakdown but neither felt it would be right to discuss something like that without Valentina’s consent. Instead Lupe pulls her crying daughter into her embrace. Panchito moves so he can rest a comforting hand on Juliana’s shoulder. They sit like that for a long time, Panchito only leaving for a moment to keep the food from burning. When he returns, Juliana has sat up slightly and is wiping at her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she says, and the crack in her voice breaks her mother’s heart. “We’re supposed to be celebrating.”

“You don’t have to apologize, mija.” Lupita wipes a stray tear away. “I know.”

Lupita remains on the couch as Juliana gets up and heads to the washroom for a moment alone. Panchito sits beside her and takes her hand. Lupe leans into him gratefully but keeps the tears that want to fall from doing so.

“She’s so strong,” Panchito whispers softly. “If something like this had happened to you, to us…” he trails off, the thought alone enough to break his heart. “I don’t know how she stays so strong.”

“She doesn’t know what else to do,” Lupe says, “that girl has had to be strong for her entire life. Valentina was the only one she didn’t have to protect herself from.”

“You’re scared she is now, protecting herself from Valentina I mean.” Panchito says after a moment in which Lupe rubs her fingers together nervously.

“I’m scared that she isn’t.” Lupe shakes her head. “I’ve never seen two people more in love with each other, more willing to risk it all just to be together. I know that hasn’t changed for either of them, and that’s what scares me. Juliana will go to the ends of the earth for that girl, she already has.”

“You think their love will hurt her?” Panchito asks slowly, though he sounds unsure. He knows very little about Valentina, except for the fact that Juliana and she had been together for a long time, but Valentina had been gone for the past few years. He knows Juliana never stopped searching and that Valentina is finally home, and he knows that Juliana still loves her desperately.

“It already has,” Lupita thinks back to the nights she stayed at Juliana’s apartment with her, right after Valentina and her father went missing. She thinks of the nights she spent holding her daughter as she cried herself to sleep, the mornings she found Juliana curled up in one of Valentina’s hoodies and clutching to her necklace like a life-line. “I’m scared that their love won’t be enough for either of them to heal, and this time when Juliana breaks, she won’t come back.”

Panchito doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t think there is anything he can say that would make a difference. He understands Lupita’s fears, she had told him about Juliana and Valentina, how their relationship had developed and how Lupita had struggled to accept it. He saw from a distance as Juliana started to put herself back together, not completely but enough so that he and Lupita were sure she would be okay, over the course of the last three years. He watched Juliana’s expression when she told them that Valentina was home, safe and alive. He saw the devotion Juliana felt and the way she hurried back to Valentina after telling them. He saw it all, and maybe it was because he was a relative outsider when it came to the situation or maybe it was because he was a romantic at heart but there was one thing Panchito was certain of: the love Juliana and Valentina shared would be enough, if they would just give it the chance to blossom again.

~

Guille is watching Valentina, just as he had been all night. Just as he had done every day since she came back home, if he was being honest. It was hard not to, even before Valentina had disappeared. He was her big brother, her had been her protector her entire life and it was difficult to stamp out that urge. She didn’t need so much protection as she got older, especially after she met Juliana and Guille learned that Valentina’s protective streak was much more intimidating than his own. He doubted she needed his protection at all, seeing as he had watched her take on multiple men more than twice her size with barely a scratch but he still felt that urge. He still wanted to be the knight to Valentina’s princess, just as they had been when they were children fighting against the evil witch, played by Eva. He knew he couldn’t be, he knew that the only one who could save Valentina was herself, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to try.

He watched as Valentina knocked back shot after shot, drinking them as if they burned no more than a glass of juice, like a woman who had wandered through an endless desert and finally found an oasis. She doesn’t flinch from the burn, doesn’t react at all. Guille would think she had been drinking water if he hadn’t seen her stumble when she tried to walk. Now, he watched as Valentina slowly sat down next to the pool, staring at the water without really seeing it.

“You’re staring again,” Renata whispered in his ear and he half turned towards her, still keeping his eyes on his youngest sister.

“She’s been drinking,”

“We all have,” Renata reminded him, “it’s a party, that’s what people do.” She gestured around at the room, where everyone but Juliana held some sort of alcoholic beverage in their hands. Even Lupe, who Guille had never seen drink in the six years he had known her, had a small glass of wine in hand where she stood with Lucia and Eva, showing off her ring.

“Not like she has been,” Guille tore his gaze away from his sister for the first time that night to focus on his girlfriend.

“It’s a celebration, mi amor, you said yourself that you were surprised Lupe and Panchito hadn’t tied the knot yet.”

“I know,” Guille had been anything but surprised when Juliana told him that her mother was getting married, but he was happy for her nevertheless. It was strange how close their families had become, although he suspected that had a lot to do with Lupita not wanting Juliana to lose her support system when Valentina was gone. “I’m happy for them, I am, but Valentina…I don’t think she was ready for an event like this.”

“You can’t know th-“ Renata is cut off suddenly by a splash and Guille hears several gasps, glasses shattering as they hit the pavement. For a moment, no one reacts. It’s like they’re all frozen in time, unable to believe what they see. The ice is shattered by Juliana, screaming.

“Valentina!” Juliana cries out, diving into the pool without thinking. Valentina floats in the water, face down and not trying to move. Juliana feels as if she has a thousand ponds strapped to her legs, keeping her from reaching Valentina. She fights against them.

“Val, Val, mi amor, mirame,” Juliana whispers as she reaches Valentina, wrapping one arm beneath her shoulders and turning her body so her mouth and nose are above water again. Valentina coughs, water spilling from her mouth, but she doesn’t try to pull away. “Val, what were you thinking?”

They’re standing in the shallow end of the pool now, where Juliana can easily stand up. She cradles Valentina to her chest, the position oddly reminiscent of the first time they had swam together. Juliana remembers asking Valentina to not let go, remembers Val’s promise not to. Part of her wonder what changed so much to lead them here, part of her already knows.

“I wanted it to stop,” Valentina coughs again and then burrows closer to Juliana. Juliana’s skin nearly burns at the contact. “I just wanted it to stop. I can’t make it stop, Juls, I can’t. I’m so tired.” Valentina’s crying then, hiding her face against Juliana’s neck.

“I’m here, Val, I’m here and I’m not letting go.” Juliana tells her and Valentina cries harder. Juliana kisses her hair, softly, like she’s afraid the pressure alone will break Valentina. Then she looks up, “Guille, help me get her out of the pool.”

Guille snaps out of his stupor and makes his way to the side of the pool, holding his arms out. Valentina mumbles something as she’s transferred to Guille’s arms. Her eyes flutter wildly and she stretches her arm out.

“Juliana, I can’t.” Valentina says and Juliana takes her hand as soon as she’s on her feet again. She steps up close to Valentina, kisses her forehead.

“Shh, Val, it’s okay. I’m here,” she kisses Val again, “whatever you can’t do, I can. I’m here, I’m not leaving.” Valentina nods slightly, still crying.

“We need to get her upstairs,” Lucia says suddenly, “Eva, go pull out some fresh clothes for her, something warm. Guille, can you carry her upstairs?” Guille nods and begins to walk away with Valentina in his arms, following Eva who had taken off at a dead sprint for possibly the first time in her life.

“Juli, are you okay?” Lupe asks as she comes up to her daughter, touching her face.

“She needs me, Mom, I have to go.” Juliana side-steps her mother and follows Guille without looking back.

“I’ll look after her, Lupita,” Lucia says, “I’m sorry this happened tonight.”

“It’s not important, please, make sure our girls are okay. And give Valentina my love.” Lupita waves off Lucia’s concerns and leans into the arms of Panchito as Lucia makes her way upstairs as well. Renata collapses into a nearby chair for a moment and then stands again, moving to collect the cleaning supplies. If nothing else, she could help the Carvajal family by getting rid of the broken glass, and maybe hiding all the alcohol as well.

When Lucia arrives upstairs, Guille is standing in the hallway, his back against the wall next to Valentina’s door. Lucia can see his shoulders shaking with silent sobs and pauses to touch his head gently. He looks up at her, shakes his head and then looks away. Lucia kneels and kisses his head and then steps into Valentina’s room.

Valentina lays on her bed, shivering. She’d been stripped down to her underwear and Eva dabs at her skin with a towel. Juliana sits beside her, leaning in close to whisper in Valentina’s ear. She pulls back and waits for Valentina to nod, then she looks as Eva who nods and helps lift Valentina up. Being as careful as possible, Juliana removes Valentina’s bra and then slides a sweater over her upper body, taking a moment to hold onto Valentina when she curls into her slightly. The process repeats and Juliana slips Valentina’s lower body into a pair of sweatpants.

“Lucia, can you help get her under the blankets?” Juliana asks, squeezing Valentina’s hands but not moving to sit on the bed again. It’s then that Lucia notices Juliana is still wearing her wet clothes.

Lucia nods, after opening her mouth only to find herself unable to speak. She moves over to the bed and helps Eva maneuver a still shivering Valentina under the blankets, pulling Valentina’s wet hair away from her face and holding her steady as Eva tries to dry the brunette locks a bit. She hears rustling behind her but doesn’t look away from Valentina and Eva until Juliana is beside her again.

Valentina mumbles again, it sounds like something in another language that Lucia can’t understand. She and Eva step back as Juliana slides under the blankets with Valentina.

“Juls,” Valentina’s voice comes out as a low whimper. Lucia isn’t aware that she’s crying until she feels Eva brush a tear away. “Juls, make it stop, please, make it stop.”

“Shh, Vale,” Juliana whispers back to her. Lucia feels as if she’s witnessing the most private of moments but she can’t bring herself to look away. Eva’s hand slips into her own. “I’m here, mi amor. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

Lucia realizes that there’s nothing more she or Eva can do for Valentina at that moment, and starts to pull Eva from the room with her. Juliana catches her eye as they leave and nods once in acknowledgement before she returns her complete attention to Valentina. Guille isn’t on the floor by the door anymore when they step out, Lucia isn’t sure how long it’s been since they went in. It felt like no time had passed at all, but she felt herself become more exhausted with each step she took.

Lucia doesn’t let go of Eva’s hand as she walks to her own bedroom. She pulls the door open and lets Eva step in first before following after, and shutting the door behind them. Eva takes her hand again and pulls her over to the bed. They each kick off their shoes before falling into the mattress and each other without bothering to change clothes.

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t do this anymore,” Eva says as she curls into Lucia.

“We won’t,” Lucia whispers back and places a soft kiss against Eva’s temple. “But I need you tonight,”

“I need you, too,” Eva turns her face to hide against Lucia’s neck and suddenly she’s crying. Lucia holds her close and cries with her. They could have that, if only for one night, they could have each other. For one night.

In her bedroom, Valentina slowly comes back to herself. She’s aware that she’s in her room, that someone is holding her and that she’s changed clothes, but she doesn’t know how any of those things happened. She remembers sitting by the pool, she remembers not recognizing her own reflection in the water. She remembers wanting to stop running, to stop hurting. She remembers thinking maybe the water would help. Then, nothing. She groans softly as she turns over and hears a soft murmur in response.

“I’m here, Val,” Juliana says, wide awake but her eyes look far away. She hadn’t realized Valentina was awake.

“Juliana?” Val asks softly, her voice raspy. Her throat aches and she taste what she thinks is bleach on her tongue. “Juliana, what happened?”

“Val,” Juliana looks at her, finally. She looks heartbroken and Valentina knows that it’s her fault. “You fell into the pool, Valentina.” That would explain the taste in her mouth then, chlorine. “You kept saying you wanted it to stop, I..” Juliana stops, her eyes brimming with tears as she looks at Valentina again. “I thought you were trying to make it stop.”

It’s then that Valentina realizes what had upset Juliana so much. Valentina had wanted it to stop, and tried to make it happen, even if she hadn’t realized what she was doing at the time.

“Please tell me it was an accident, Val. Please.”

“I don’t know if it was.” Val admits so softly. She feels Juliana deflate against her, hears the choked sob she releases. It pricks at the edges of Valentina’s heart and she pulls Juliana close to her. Juliana’s tears land against her neck. “I’m so tired, Juliana. I don’t want to fight anymore. I can’t.”

“You don’t have to fight alone,” Juliana says without moving from Valentina’s embrace. “I can help. I want to help. Why won’t you let me?”

“You’ve already spent three years waiting for me, it’s not fair to make you wait even longer. You deserve more than this broken thing.” Valentina feels Juliana start to pull away and braces herself for the goodbye she knows is coming.

“No, it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. I’d rather wait for you and spend whatever time we can together, happy, than be miserable and alone without you.” Juliana cups Valentina’s face with one hand, seeing the surprise on her face. “I know what life is like without you Valentina, and I hate it. I want to spend my life with you, no matter how much it hurts now. It won’t always hurt, but I’ll always love you.”

“I don’t deserve your love, not after what I did.” Valentina tries to look away but Juliana won’t let her.

“You deserve all the greatest things in the world, you did what you did to survive. You came back, that’s all I care about.” Juliana lifted her other hand to card her fingers through Valentina’s damp hair. “Everything else, the hurt and the pain and the demons that come with it, we can face together. I’m not letting you go, not ever.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be okay again. I don’t know if I can be okay again.”

“I know,” Juliana wipes a tear Valentina wasn’t aware had fallen. “I won’t leave, Valentina, I promise. I’m always with you.” Juliana taps the silver ‘j’ hanging from Valentina’s neck and then the ‘v’ around her own. “Just like you’re always with me. Whatever scars you carry, they won’t scare me away. We’re forever, just like we promised.”

“I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you deserve.” Valentina feels Juliana rest their foreheads together.

“You love me perfectly, Valentina, you always have.” Juliana wants to kiss her, knows it would be so easy to close the space between them and connect their lips. But, she also knows Valentina isn’t ready for that yet. There’s still too much pain for it to feel right, so Juliana moves so she can press her lips to Valentina’s forehead instead.

It’s not perfect, and it still hurts so much, but it’s a beginning. It’s the door opening enough for Valentina to see that she can step through, if she wants. It’s the first of the many pieces of their hearts coming back together.

~

It’s easier for Valentina to talk to someone she doesn’t know, someone she’s not attached too. It takes a couple tries to find the right person, but she does. Barbara, as she has her clients call her, is an eccentric woman. Her office is set up more like a child therapist’s, with knick-knacks and odd bits and bobs scattered around the room for her clients to fiddle with during their appointments. She burns different incense for each patient, but the scents all blend together into a comforting floral aroma. It reminds Valentina of when she used to walk through the garden with her mother. Barbara asks Valentina questions about her life, the people she spends her time with, her interests, her dreams. It feels pointless to Valentina, until later on, several sessions after she started therapy, when Barbara asks about her shadows. Valentina describes them slowly, jumbling her words and stumbling over some of them but eventually she gets to where she can speak freely with Barbara. She starts to feel like she can trust Barbara, like she’s in a place where she doesn’t have to be prepared to fight every second. Still she struggles to make any progress at all. 

It takes several difficult conversations for Valentina to voice that she doesn’t feel any different. She’s standing by the window when she finally does, her fingers twisting together because she doesn’t want to turn and see the disappointment on Barbara’s face in order to grab one of the many fidget gadgets on the table.

“Nothing’s changed, this has been pointless.” Valentina says without looking away from the window. She hears Barbara shift in her seat. 

“Why do you feel that way?” Barbara asks, gently but in a way that Valentina knows she’s expecting an honest answer. 

“I don’t feel any different. I still feel like I’m fighting.” Valentina replies. She hears the soft swish of paper moving as Barbara moves in her seat. There’s a soft thud and then a clatter as Barbara sets her notepad and pen down on the table. 

“Valentina, I’m going to ask a question and I want you to be completely honest with me.” Barbara says. Valentina nods her head, still facing the window. 

“Do you want to stop fighting?” Barbara asks. She see’s Valentina’s shoulders tense. 

“Yes.” Valentina says, her voice is low. She isn’t sure if it’s a lie or not. 

“Prove it.” Barbara says, a challenging lilt to her words. Valentina turns her head sharply, eyes boring into Barbara’s. Barbara doesn’t back down. “You’ve accepted that you have PTSD, you say you understand what that means, but you don’t act like it. You said it yourself, you’re still fighting. You’ve already learned how you can start winning, why are you still at a stalemate with yourself?” 

“Because what if it doesn’t work? What if I never get better? What if I can’t be okay?” Valentina yells, turning completely to Barbara and then moving to the couch where she collapses. 

“I’ll tell you a secret, Valentina,” Barbara begins, “if you don’t think you can get better, then you won’t. Therapy only works if you want it too. I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.” 

“I don’t want to keep fighting. I’m so tired.” Valentina leans her head back against the couch. 

“Okay,” Barbara says. “Valentina, you can get better, you can learn to live again. But only if you want to. You don’t have to be tired. But you need to understand that you may never be the same again, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to be different. Can you accept that?” 

“I don’t know,” Valentina says, playing with the silver charm hanging around her neck. “But I want to try.” 

“Okay,” Barbara smiles. “Then let’s talk about your nightmares. Did any of the breathing techniques we went over help?” 

There’s a shift after that day, one that doesn’t seem all that important at first. It’s Valentina’s first step through the door she had opened that night with Juliana, the first time she agreed to try. It happens slowly, like a storm building up. She can feel the rain coming, feel it’s cleansing aura gaining power but she doesn’t know when the downpour will strike but she knows that it will, and she wants to be ready for it. 

The next sessions are somehow harder and easier at the same time. Valentina starts to feel less heavy inside but her progress still feels slow. There are the days when all she can do is run, there are days where she has to force herself not to cry, there are days when she stares at a bottle of mezcal so long she can almost taste it. Those days are the worst, when Valentina wants to hide but can’t without having to start over. She hates feeling like she failed, like she can’t get better. She’d given in to the temptation to drink twice since she started seeing Barbara, both times felt like she had broken a promise. Barbara tells her it’s okay to fall, as long as she gets back up and tries again. It hurts like hell but it’s part of the reason Valentina trusts Barbara, because in all the months she’s been visiting Barbara had made an effort to prove herself trustworthy and part of that was never sugarcoating the truths Val needed to hear. 

One day she asks why Barbara spent so much time building the trust.

“In my experience, people with PTSD won’t open up to people they know or complete strangers. It’s a delicate balance. Of course, each patient is different, no two people share the same trauma, but it helps when they can control the flow of information.” Barbara explains. It makes sense, Valentina thinks. She didn’t want to open up to Juliana or anyone else she knows, because they were too close. The other therapists she spoke with were too far away. Barbara hit that happy medium, somehow.

“Have your dreams changed any?” Barbara asks after a beat of silence. Valentina nods slightly and Barbara sits back, having learned that Valentina would explain if she wanted to, when given enough time.

“I don’t dream about being taken captive anymore,” Valentina plays with a small cube in her hand, fiddling with four silver rolling balls on the surface of one side, “or that I’m watching anyone else. Now, I’m just lost.”

“Lost?” Barbara inquires gently after a brief silence.

“Lost. Like I’m drifting across nothing. Sometimes I’m walking through an empty mall, sometimes I’m at home, there’ve been a few where I’m at Juliana’s apartment.” Valentina doesn’t look at Barbara. “But it’s always just me. Alone.”

“No one there that you know?” Barbara asks, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

“No one there at all.” Valentina replies. Barbara prods softly a few times and Valentina admits that it’s like she was with someone, she can see signs of them in her dreams. Blankets and shoes and plates of food that always look as if they had just been abandoned. It’s like she had just missed them, but they had left without looking back.

“Tell me, when your family leaves for work in the morning, how do you feel?”

“Happy, sometimes, because it makes me happy to see that their lives haven’t stopped.” Valentina says.

“And the other times?” Barbara notes the way Valentina tenses, waits for her to speak patiently.

“Scared, and lonely.”

“And why is that?” Barbara stops herself from leaning forward slightly, knowing that such an action would make Valentina clam up rather than open up.

“Because they’re moving on, and I feel like I’m stuck. I’m dead weight.”

“Why do you feel that way?”

“I don’t know.” Valentina tries. Barbara clears her throat and pointedly stares at Valentina. She’d been told that saying she didn’t know was a way to escape saying what she did know, and Barbara wouldn’t let her get away with it. “Because I’m not. I don’t have a job or classes to go to. I’m just here, and I don’t know how to move on.”

“Do you think you’re ready to move on?” Barbara asks. This is where Valentina had struggled in the past few sessions. She wanted to return to life, but she was afraid of what would happen when she did. Barbara had asked that same question in every session for the past three weeks. Each time, Valentina had answered no.

“I think I’m ready to try. Something small, maybe a night course for something.” Valentina says, softly and Barbara smiles. “Do you think- is that a good idea?”

“I think it can’t hurt to try.” Barbara tells her. Valentina smiles a bit and nods. “You’ve been thinking about this, have you told anyone?”

“Not yet, but I did ask Juliana if she knew of any night classes coming up so she probably guessed why.”

“Ah, yes, Juliana,” Barbara nodded, “and how are things between the two of you?”

“It’s different,” Valentina says slowly, switching the cube in her hand for a stack of magnetic balls that begins to wrap around her finger. “I love her, and I know she loves me. But we’re not together exactly.”

“Do you want to be? You’ve told me that a big reason that you came home is to be with Juliana. Is that still true?” Barbara asks. The relationship between Valentina and Juliana intrigued her, their connection was stronger than any she had seen before. Barbara had always believed in soulmates.

“Yes, but…I’m not sure how to be with her anymore. I don’t think we can pick back up where we left off, but I don’t want to start over either.”

“You miss the way it used to be.” Barbara says wisely and Valentina nods. “Maybe she does, too. Have you asked her?” Valentina shakes her head. “Maybe you should. You don’t have to pick things up right where you left them, and I don’t think Juliana expects you to.”

“I don’t know where to begin, or how to ask her. I think that’s what I miss the most. We used to talk about everything. Now every conversation feels too heavy.”

“Then that’s where you start, a conversation.” Barbara tells her. “Talk with her, start building your relationship back up.” Barbara waits until Valentina looks back up at her with a small smile and nod before ending their session, reminding Valentina that she wanted to have the Carvajal family in for a group session soon. Valentina nodded her head and made her way out, pulling out her phone to message her brother. Valentina still felt too jumpy to drive sometimes so she had yet to renew her driver’s license.

“Val!” Juliana called her name and Valentina looked up, more surprised than startled at the sudden noise. Juliana is leaning against her car, dressed casually in jeans and red t-shirt. She looks beautiful and smiles as Valentina approaches.

“Juli,” Valentina says in greeting and they move in for a hug. It’s not as hesitant as it was a few months ago, but not as automatic as it had been before. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“My last class was cancelled,” Juliana explained, pulling back from Valentina to open the car door for her. “I thought we could grab a late lunch?” Juliana suddenly looks nervous, tapping her short nails against the window of the car.

“Lunch sounds great,” Valentina smiles, almost leaning in to kiss Juliana’s cheek. She hesitates for a second, staring at Juliana and then leans over quickly. Her lips connect with Juliana’s cheek for less than a second, but it still feels like a victory. “I’m starving.”

Juliana is still smiling when she climbs into the car and steers them off. Juliana chances as glance at Valentina when they stop at a red light and sees her leaning against the window. She looks lighter somehow, in a way that Juliana doesn’t know how to define. It’s in her eyes, Juliana thinks, the blue hues still haunted but growing clearer as Valentina allows herself to heal. It’s been a hard few months, almost six since Valentina returned to them. She’d been speaking with Barbara three times a week for the last two months. 

“So where are we going?” Valentina asks, pulling Juliana out of her thoughts. She’s looking at Juliana, her face not completely blank like it had been for so long. Juliana can see the hints of hope there now. 

“You remember that burger place in the park?” Juliana asks with a slight tilt to her lips, the corner curling into a half-smirk. She sees Valentina’s eyes brighten and Valentina nods. 

“We ate there so many times in high school,” Valentina says, her eyes grow distant for a moment. Juliana waits, pulling into a parking spot at the park and shutting of the car. She knows to give Valentina time to let the memories play out, as a part of her reconnecting. It only takes a few seconds for Valentina to come back to herself. 

“Red or blue?” Juliana asks softly after Valentina blinks a few times. Valentina smiles at her. It was another part of Valentina’s therapy, a way for her family to check on her without asking if she was okay when she came out of a flashback like this. Red meant stop, let her be, she wasn’t okay and needed to process on her own. Blue meant it was okay to continue,  that Valentina was as okay as she was going to be. The goal was to have more days where Valentina could answer blue, a goal that hadn’t been reached yet but that they hoped would be soon. 

“Blue,” Valentina replies after a second of thought. She doesn’t feel the need to be alone, her flashback wasn’t of the hard times, but of the good. Although those memories sadden her, because she knows there should be more of them, they don’t make her want to shut down. “Let’s get some food.” 

Juliana smiles at her and they both climb out of the car and meet on the sidewalk after Juls locks the doors. They walk the familiar path to the burger stand, hands occasionally brushing together as they move but neither of them feeling brave enough to reach for the other. They don’t speak, the silence between them lingering in the space between awkward and comfortable. Juliana takes it in stride, not pressuring Valentina to speak. It’s almost like it had been before, the intimacy in the way they walked together, two people inexplicably joined without even touching. Valentina wishes it would be like it was before, when being with Juliana was as easy as breathing. When it was something she didn’t have to think about, when everything felt right as long as Juliana was with her. She doesn’t know how to get back to that, or if that’s even possible to get back to. 

“How was your session?” Juliana asked after they had gotten their food and claimed a table, sharing a double serving of fries to go with their burgers. 

“Good,” Valentina answers, Juliana nods and smiles at her. She opens her mouth, ready to move on because she never expected Valentina to open up about what she spoke with Barbara about. That was something that Val had every right to keep to herself. Valentina speaks again before Juliana can change the subject. “There’s actually something we talked about today, about you.” 

“Me?” Juliana asks after swallowing the food in her mouth. Valentina nods slightly. 

“Well, us, really. Our relationship.” Valentina clarifies, swallowing slightly. 

“Oh,” Juliana wipes her hands on a napkin. 

“Yeah,” Valentina picks a loose bit of paint on the table. “It’s just, I know we’ve been in this sort of limbo. We have moments where it feels like we’re us again and then…” Valentina trails off. Juliana reaches across the table and links their hands. “I just wondered if maybe we could start again? Not from the beginning, not completely, but I want us to try. If you want to.” 

“I want to, Val. I promise,” Juliana squeezes her hand, “but are you sure you’re ready? I don’t mind waiting.” 

“I can’t ask you to wait until I’m okay, we both know that may never happen. I want to be with you, I’ve wanted to for a long time, I just didn’t know how to start.” 

“And now you do?” Juliana asks. 

“A conversation,” Valentina smiles. “We used to talk about everything. I want to get back to that, if we can.” 

“We can,” Juliana promises softly, squeezing Valentina’s hand. “And we can start with the night classes that you asked me about,” Juliana reaches for her purse with her other hand and pulls out a handful of brochures. Valentina laughs and accepts them. They finish their meal slowly, discussing the different classes Valentina might want to take before moving on, their conversation moving from topic to topic. It’s not as seamless as it used to be, there’s a few times when the conversation halts and Valentina gets that far off look in her eyes. Still, when they walk back to the car a few hours later and their hands brush together, Juliana doesn’t hesitate to tangle their fingers together. 

~

“I thought we would be meeting with Barbara?” Eva asks as she, Lucia, Guille and Juliana enter the room where Valentina is waiting for them. They aren’t in Barbara’s office but the atmosphere is similar enough that it puts Valentina at ease. 

“Barbara specializes in individual therapy,” Valentina explains. “This doesn't work the same way as that, but Barbara recommended this therapist to me, and I trust her.” 

“I still don’t see why we couldn’t have seen Camilo.” Eva grumbles again. 

“Camilo doesn’t do this sort of therapy,” Lucia reminds her, sharing a look with Eva that tells her to let it go. 

“Okay, okay, fine.” Eva takes a seat on one of the two couches in the room, the smaller of the two. Lucia sits next to her while Guille and Juliana join Valentina on the other couch. 

“Relax, Eva,” Valentina tells her sister. Juliana touches her hand gently but refrains from taking it completely. Valentina had asked her not to, not until after the session ended. It was something she and Barbara had agreed on, to limit physical contact during the session. Valentina had a tendency to stop talking about her trauma when Juliana touched her, something they had discovered when Valentina began to open up about her nightmares to Juliana, after some prodding from Barbara. They both struggled with the urge to reach out for one another, but Juliana had learned to ask when it was okay to reach out. Valentina turned her head slightly and smiled at Juliana. 

“I see that everyone is here,” a voice said from the doorway and the small group turned to see Barbara standing there with a man they didn’t recognize. “Thank you all for agreeing to come today, I’m sorry that I won’t be here with you, but this is Beltran Comancho,” Barbara gestured to the man beside her. “A friend and colleague of mine. He’s here to act as a conversation guide, as agreed to by Valentina and the two of us.” 

“It’s nice to see you again, Valentina,” Beltran greeted her as he took his seat. Barbara took a moment to remind Valentina of their agreement for this session, totally honesty no matter how much it hurts, and then took her leave as Beltran introduced himself. 

“As Barbara said, I am hear to act as a guide for all of you, to make sure you can reach an understanding. Valentina and I have spoken a few times before, and we have come to an agreement about the way we would like this conversation to proceed.” Valentina nodded along to his words. “It is my understanding that you have all been greatly affected by what happened to Valentina, and that has had an affect on your interactions. Now, the point of these sessions will be to discover why that is.” 

“Sessions?” Guille asked after a moment, and Beltran nodded. 

“As I’m sure you have learned with Valentina, it will take more than one hour long meeting to overcome years of trauma. We need to discover the roots of the issue and find a way to overcome them, in a way that will help you reconnect.” 

Beltran paused a moment and then began to outline a few simple ground rules: no lies, no interruptions and had them each make the same promise to truly try in this attempt to help Valentina by coming together as a family again. Then, the first of many emotional sessions started. 

It seemed that not even Valentina knew where to start, and despite having agreed to the honesty policy beforehand, she found herself wanting to lie about what she experienced while she was away. She glosses over the time she spent in captivity, not wanting to relive that with her family again. She’s glad that they had decided to have one person explain how they felt in each session, and then they would discuss those feelings as a group and try to understand one another’s emotions. Since they only have one group session a week, Valentina feels better about waiting for her turn. Still after a session to focus on each their emotions circles back to Valentina’s, she finds herself holding back. 

“Valentina,” Beltran says when Valentina begins to explain what happened after she woke up, “you’re holding back, we’ve discussed this. Total honesty.” 

“I know what we agreed,” Valentina says, “but I don’t want to hurt them. What happened...the things that I did, they don’t paint a pretty picture.” 

“But hurting them isn’t what you’re scared of, not really. So what is it that scares you?” Beltran asks. The family turns to look at Valentina, none of them sure what to expect. 

“I’m afraid it will be too much. They’ll see me as a monster.” Valentina doesn’t look at her family as she speaks. 

“You fear they will turn away from you, despite assurances that they won’t.” Beltran says. “Why is that?” 

“I did bad things, things that I’m not proud of. I hurt a lot of people.” Valentina replies. “I don’t know if they were all guilty or not.” 

“And how does that make you a monster?” Guille asks, taking the question right out of Beltran’s mouth. Guille looks to Beltran like he’s expecting a reprimand but Beltran simply nods and sits back, confident the conversation is back on track. 

“How does that not make me a monster?” Valentina returns uneasily. “I hurt people.” 

“Why?” Lucia asks gently. “I don’t believe that you hurt them because you wanted to, something must have made you. What was it?” 

“Does it matter? I hurt people. I…” Valentina cuts herself off and turns her head so she can’t see any of them. 

“Alacran,” Juliana says softly. “You’re talking about the warehouse and what happened to Alacran.” 

“I never wanted you to see me like that.” Valentina admits. “What I did that day, I didn’t know what else to do. He would never have let us go alive.” 

“You saved us, Vale,” Eva tells her softly. “We could never see you as a monster for that.” 

“It was an awful situation. Something that should never have happened, but it did. You got us out of there, alive. You got out of there alive. That’s all that we care about.” Lucia feels Eva take her hand and squeeze and considers pulling away. She doesn’t, something about Eva’s hand in hers helps her feel okay. 

“You aren’t a monster, Vale.” Guille tells her softly. “We would never see you as a monster, none of us.” 

Valentina nods, looking up at them with tears in her eyes. Juliana breaks their no contact rule and pulls Valentina to her, hugging her as tightly as she can manager sitting beside her. 

“You are not a monster, Valentina. You are a hero. You’re my hero.” Juliana whispers to her and she feels Valentina nod slightly. “Let us save you now, you don’t have to be a hero alone.” 

“Okay,” Valentina says and nods and pulls back. “Okay.” 

They decide to extend their group sessions after that, speaking a little more openly about their struggles. After a few weeks, Valentina realizes her family isn’t walking on eggshells around her anymore. Their hugs come naturally again, not as hesitant. They begin teasing one another again, playful jibes without fear that they’ll go too far. 

Valentina’s dreams shift again, changing so she’s with the people she loves, happy and safe. Then, they leave. Guille drives away, Eva moves half-way around the world as does Lucia. Juliana closes the door in her face and won’t open it again. Valentina calls out for them, begs them to respond, to come back and give her a chance. They never do. 

“What do you think your fear is? What are these dreams telling you?” Barbara asks in one of their sessions, just the two of them, after Valentina explains how her dreams have changed again. 

“I’m not sure. I don’t feel lost anymore. Or like I need to hide away, at least not all the time.” Valentina smiles slightly, her blue days had started out number her red and she felt better than she had in ages. 

“And yet you still have nightmares,” Barbara settles in and falls silent. Valentina picks at a loose thread on her jacket. 

“Not all the time, but when they happen I wake up angry. And scared.” 

“Who do you dream about when you wake up angry.” Barbara asks. 

“My father,” Valentina whispers slowly. 

“What happens in those dreams?” 

“The same thing that happens in the others. He’s there one second and gone the next, but then it changes. I don’t know where I am or how I got there, and I don’t know how to get back. It happens so quickly, sometimes when I wake up I can’t remember where I am.” Valentina hears Barbara make a small noise of acknowledgement. 

“You were there for your father’s last moments, and yet, you were unable to say goodbye. How does that make you feel?” Barbara asks and then sits back to wait. Valentina reaches for a Rubix cube on the table, mixes the colors and turns the pieces aimlessly. 

“I feel sad, overwhelmed.” Valentina focuses on a red colored square. “Angry.” 

“Why do you feel angry?” 

“Because he didn’t tell me why we were going to Spain. He knew about Vacio, Juliana showed me the reports he had and the story he was working on. He knew but he didn’t tell me anything.” 

“What do you think would have happened, if he had told you?” Barbara crossed her legs, folding her hands together over her knee. Valentina kept her gaze focused on the multi-colored cube in her hands. 

“We could have shared the story, at least with the police. He could have worked with someone here to bring them down.” Valentina gripped the block in her hands so hard, her knuckles stood out against her skin. “He wouldn’t have had to get on that plane.” 

“And he wouldn’t have taken you along with him.” Barbara hums slightly. “How do you feel when you think about your father?” 

“Angry,” Valentina says without pausing to think. “I feel angry.” 

“Why?” 

“Because if he had just told someone, it never would have happened. I never would have become this.” Valentina gestures at herself vaguely. “I wouldn’t have lost so much time.” 

“Valentina,” Barbara says. Valentina looks up at her for a moment and then looks away. “It’s okay to be angry at your father. I know you’re angry, and you have every right to feel that way. Do you think you’ll always be angry?” 

“I don’t want to be,” Valentina sets the half-solved puzzle box down. “But I don’t know how to forgive him.” 

“It’s okay if you can’t, Valentina. However you feel, whoever you want to blame for what happened to you, it’s okay.” 

“Is it? Isn’t everything we talked about here about learning to let go? To face what happened and learn how to accept it and move on?” 

“Do you want to move on? If you weren’t angry with your father how do you think you would feel?” 

“I don’t know. Sad, maybe.” 

“Why?” Valentina sighs at the question and Barbara waits for her to speak. 

“Because he isn’t here. He’s the only one who I really lost. When I’m angry with him,” Valentina wipes at her eyes, “I don’t feel scared that I’m going to lose someone else.” 

“Valentina, everyone is scared to lose something. It’s okay to be afraid.” 

“I don’t like being scared. I don’t like feeling angry either. But I don’t know the right way to move on.” 

“There is no right way to move on Valentina,” Barbara tells her, tapping her pen against her leg. “I think you will feel better if you let go of your anger, if you try to forgive him, it will help you. I think it will mark the end of something for you, if you let it. But that’s something that you need to decide for yourself. Just like everything else you’ve learned here, it only works if you want it to.” 

Valentina didn’t answer but Barbara didn’t seem to be expecting her to say anything anyway. 

~

“You’re quiet tonight,” Juliana comments later, watching Valentina from where she sits on the bed. It’s getting late and Juliana knows she should head home soon, but she doesn’t want to leave just yet. She hates leaving Valentina at the end of the day, but she won’t stay, not until she knows for sure that Valentina wants her to. She doesn’t want to push too hard and undo all of the progress they made together. Valentina stands by the window, facing the wall covered in the photographs she had taken, both as a child and now. The newer ones focus less on people and more on feeling, products of the photography course she had decided to take. 

Valentina hums slightly but doesn’t say anything. Juliana waits for a moment before rising from her spot and making her way over to Valentina. She watches her closely, looking for any sign of discomfort. She can’t help but feel proud of Valentina when she doesn’t tense up, even when she looks over her shoulder suddenly as Juliana approaches. 

“Blue,” she says when Juliana hesitates to touch her. Juliana’s arms circled her waist and she feels Juliana’s chin rest on her shoulder. Valentina sighs and leans into the embrace, covering Juliana’s hands on her stomach with one of her own. She feels Juliana turn her head, nuzzle against her neck for a second before placing a gentle kiss there. Valentina closes her eyes and smiles. A part of her can’t believe they’ve made it back to this point. The other part is simply happy to be in Juliana’s arms again. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Juliana asks softly. She feels Valentina deflate a bit, and turns her head to watch Valentina’s eyes flutter open. Her gaze focuses back on the photographs and Juliana traces her line of sight until she finds the photograph Valentina is focused on. 

The photograph is an old one, from before Valentina and Juliana had met. It looks like Christmas, Valentina sitting on her father’s lap, both of them sporting ridiculous antlers. Juliana can just barely make out Eva and Guille in the background of the photo, both making faces at the camera. Valentina looks happy, turned to her father with a joyous smile. Leon looks to be in the process of settling a red nose over Valentina’s. 

“It’s not important,” Valentina says, turning to look out the window. Juliana frowns. 

“Hey,” Juliana moves so she’s standing beside Val rather than behind her. Valentina looks at her, Juliana can see the hints of pain lingering in her expression even though Val tries to hide them. “We talked about this. However you feel, it’s okay. I’m not leaving.” 

“I know, I do.” Valentina closes her eyes and when they open again, Juliana can see that had let some of her guard down. “I’m just...I don’t like the way I feel about this but I don’t know if I want to make it stop.” 

“How do you feel?” Juliana asks, pulling Valentina down with her as she sits on the window seat. They lean against the wall opposite the photographs, Valentina settles with her back against Juliana’s chest, playing with their fingers over her stomach. It had been a recent shift with Valentina, wanting to feet Juliana close when she talked about her feelings but not always ready to face her. 

“Angry, and sad.” Valentina looks back up at the photographs. “Barbara said that it might help if I let go, if I forgive him for what happened. But I don’t know if I can. It’s easier, I think, to blame him for it all.” 

“Do you?” Juliana asks as lightly as she can manage. “Do you blame him for everything?” 

Valentina tenses and Juliana eases her grip, not letting go completely but ready to do just that in case Valentina decides she feels red instead of blue. Valentina feels Juliana’s hands relax their hold but doesn’t pull away. “I don’t know. I want to blame him. Blaming him makes it...easier somehow.” 

“Easier?” Juliana slowly traces her hand down Valentina’s arm in a soothing manner. 

“I’m not scared when I’m angry. It’s easier to feel angry when I’m blaming him.” 

“Is that why you don’t want to stop? You don’t want to be scared?” Juliana questions, still rubbing Valentina’s arm with one hand. 

“It’s stupid, I know.” Valentina shakes her head and starts to pull away. Juliana takes a moment to survey Valentina, making sure she’s not overstepping, before reaching out and keeping Valentina from getting up. 

“It’s not stupid, Valentina. I don’t want to be scared either, but sometimes we can’t help the way we feel.” Juliana reaches for Valentina again, seeing that she’s still blue, and carefully slides her hand through Valentina’s hair to cup her neck. Her thumb brushes gently along skin behind her ear. Valentina leans into the touch and Juliana feels proud of herself for recognizing when Valentina is comfortable being touched. 

“You’re scared?” Valentina asks, turning her head to look at Juliana. There’s a vulnerability to her eyes that almost blindsides Juliana. It’s reminiscent of the way Valentina looked before they kissed for the first time, an overwhelming mix of hope and fear written on her face. In her eyes, Juliana can see the old Valentina meeting the new, but not yet mixing. 

“I’m terrified,” Juliana tells her. “Every day when I wake, I’m scared that when I call, you won’t answer. That you’ll disappear again, and I’ll lose the best parts of me all over again.” She scoots closer to Valentina. “I’m scared that all of this is a dream and one day I’ll open my eyes and you’ll be gone. Really gone.” 

“I never realized you felt that way.” Valentina whispers, and she looks somewhat ashamed of herself, like she had forgotten that she wasn’t the only one in their relationship who suffered. 

“I didn’t want you to,” Juliana rests her free hand on Valentina’s thigh. “I didn’t want you to worry about me, you had enough on your shoulders.” 

“I always worry about you, Juls.” Valentina covers the hand Juliana rests on her leg, tangles their fingers together. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice how you felt. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.” 

“You have been,” Juliana smiles, continuing when Valentina looks at her questioningly. “You answer the phone when I call. You send me pictures and tell me how you feel. You’re here, we’re together.” Juliana leans in to rest their foreheads together. “I don’t feel scared when I’m with you, and even when I’m not, it’s getting easier to not be scared.” 

“I don’t know how to not be scared, or angry. Even when I’m happy I still feel that way.” Valentina feels her eyes fall closed. 

“One day at a time, mi amor, that’s all we can do. Face it together, one day at a time.” Juliana promises. The pet name falls from her lips before she can stop it but Valentina doesn’t seem to mind. It feels like they’ve stepped over some sort of line, a wall that each of them had been hiding behind wasn’t there anymore. 

“I love you,” Valentina whispers, nudging her nose against Juliana’s. “I know we’ve been better the last few months, and I know I still have a long way to go, but I don’t want to wait. I love you, I want to be with you again. If you still want that too?” 

“Yes, Vale,” Juliana smiles. “I love you, too. Always.” Juliana pulls back slightly to look Valentina in the eyes. “Are you sure? This is a big step, us being us again. Are you sure you’re ready?” 

“No, but I don’t think I ever will be. I’m different, I know, but I’ve learned to be okay with that.” Valentina smiles slightly. “If you don’t mind having a girlfriend who’s still a little bit messed up I want to give us a try.” 

“I don’t mind if you don’t.” Juliana tells her with a smile. It’s the truth. They’re both a little messed up, they both have fears and anger that it’s hard to let go of. They’re both different people than they were before. 

“I don’t mind at all,” Valentina says and then closes the distance between their lips. 

The kiss is slow and deep, letting them really feel each other again. The dance their lips do is new and familiar in the same breath and they linger in that space after they pull apart. It feels like a new beginning, the start of another chapter in their story. 

When Valentina stands again, sometime later, and pulls Juliana to the bed with her, Juliana doesn’t have to ask if Valentina wants her to stay. They don’t do anything more than lay together, sharing a pillow and staring into one another’s eyes until they both drift. It feels more intimate than anything they shared before. 

~

“You seem lighter now,” Eva says one day. They’re sitting at the dining room table together after breakfast, Valentina with a college application half-way filled out before her. Eva is watching her fill in the blanks, stopping occasionally when her phone lights up beside her. “I guess things with Juliana are going well?” 

“Yeah,” Valentina says, looking up at her sister. She’s been home for eleven months now. She was able to celebrate Juliana’s 22nd birthday with her, and spend Valentine’s day together. “They are.” 

Eva smiles at her sister. She’s almost like she used to be, happy if not quite as carefree. It’s a far cry from the woman who came back. Eva feels like she spent the last year meeting her sister again, learning about this person who wore her sister’s face but couldn’t have been more different from her. It warms her heart to see Valentina living again, even if she knows some days are harder than others. “I’m happy for you, both of you.” 

Valentina stops writing, looking up at Eva. There’s a question in her eyes, one that Eva waits for her to voice. 

“What was she like? While I was gone, I mean.” She asks. Eva takes a moment to consider her words, the question having not been something she expected. 

“She was sad most of the time. She didn’t smile very much, or laugh. She didn’t come around the mansion very often but I would see her at El Centro when she switched to studying journalism. Sometimes we would have lunch together, Guille or Lucia too.” Valentina listens closely, absorbing everything Eva says. “After your funeral, something in her changed. She seemed, I don’t know, lonely still but not as broken. Not as lost.” 

“You worried about her?” Valentina asks. She sets her pen down and leans both arms on the table as Eva nods. 

“I did, Lucia too.” Eva looks conflicted for a moment but then expression clears again. “We worried that she was overworking herself. She didn’t seem to want to make friends, or even try to. She went to class and did her work and then she spent the rest of her time searching for you. Until Lucia found that report in Dad’s office, we thought she was just in denial. I’m so glad we were wrong.” 

“You thought I was gone. Really gone.” 

“We didn’t know what else to think,” Eva smiles sadly. “When they called off the search, thinking you were gone was easier than thinking you were still out there, alone and scared where we couldn’t reach you. But, Juls, she,” Eva shakes her head slightly. “I’ve never seen someone more sure of anything. I don’t know how, but she knew you were still out there and she was determined to bring you home.” 

“You still doubted her?” Valentina said, reading Eva’s expression. 

“For a little bit, yes. It was so hard to believe, but I guess it was silly of me to doubt her. I’ve never seen two people love each other the way you do. It’s amazing, and eye-opening to watch.” Eva falls silent, looking down at her nails. Valentina watches her for a second, her brow furrowing in confusion before realization lights up her eyes. 

“You’re in love with someone, aren’t you?” Valentina says. Eva’s eyes widen and snap up to meet hers. She looks panicked and Valentina offers her a comforting smile. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me who it is. I understand being afraid to love.” 

This time, it’s Eva who looks confused. “You were afraid to love? Juliana?” 

“Not when we were younger, no,” Valentina explains. “But after I came back, yes. I never stopped loving her, loving Juliana helped me stay strong. But loving Juliana also put her in danger. I was scared that if I showed her how much I cared, she would be hunted. You heard what Alacran said, at the warehouse,” Valentina feels her muscles tense as the memories of that night come back to her. Eva waits patiently as Valentina breathes through it, holding herself steady. When she seems okay, Eva reaches out and touches Valentina’s hand. Valentina smiles at her, a small smile but one that said so much. “It took me a long time to let myself love her again, sometimes I still don’t think I should.” 

“But you can’t help it.” Eva says and Valentina nods. 

“No, she’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to love. I know what it’s like to love her and not be with her, and it was awful. I’d much rather we face our fears together.” 

“What if you have to face more than fears? What if loving someone creates a scandal?” Eva asks. 

“Face that together, too.” Valentina shrugs. “I’m sure Lucia wouldn’t mind, as long as you stayed together.” 

Eva felt her mouth drop open in surprise. “How did you know?” 

“I spent three years learning how to read people, how to find the secrets they don’t want to get out. I don’t mean to, but I can’t seem to turn that off. Barbara says it’s become a line of defense for me, but that people watching, as she called it, isn’t all that uncommon. Most of human communication is non-verbal anyway, I’ve just learned to read it.” Valentina smiles at her sister. “I’ve seen the way you look at her, and the way she looks at you. Just...don’t hold yourself back. Being scared? That’s okay, but maybe you should be scared together instead of worried apart.” 

“You’re much wiser than I give you credit for.” Eva says. Valentina smiles at her and then turns back to the paperwork on the table. 

“Let’s hope the university feels the same way,” Valentina jokes. “Help me finish this before Juliana gets here, I want to surprise her.” 

Eva smiles and let’s her sister use her as a sounding board while she fills out the applications. It doesn’t take very long and Eva has the stack of papers sealed in an envelope and hidden in her purse long before Juliana arrives. 

“Hey mi amor,” Juliana says as she enters the living room where Valentina and Eva moved to after finishing the paperwork. She walks behind the couch to where Valentina sits, pausing to kiss her head, before walking around to sit beside her. “Eva, take the day off?” 

“Didn’t feel like dealing with cranky old men, Guille is much better suited to those meetings.” Eva says, smiling. Juliana laughs her agreement and tucks herself against Valentina. “Your showcase is tonight, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, which seems ridiculous to me,” Juliana shifted to get more comfortable against Valentina, “what’s the point of a showcase for a paper? Who’s going to stop to read the whole thing?” 

“It’s a big night, chiquita, maybe you’ll get a research grant or something. Wouldn’t that be a fun thing to do for your senior year?” Valentina wraps her arm around Juliana’s waist. 

“Maybe,” Juliana says, “but I’d rather stay home and watch a movie. I can worry about my senior year after this one ends.” 

“We can watch a movie,” Valentina says, “after the showcase.” 

Eva makes her way out of the room as Juliana grumbles under her breath, content to let her sister and her girlfriend spend their time together until they have to get ready for the showcase. As she walks towards her bedroom, her mind drifts back to her conversation with Valentina that morning. 

She would never have guessed that Valentina was afraid to love Juliana, even after what happened in the warehouse. But, then again, she would never have guessed that the carefree girl her sister was would turn into the loving but guarded woman she is. Love changed Valentina, became a weapon that someone tried to use against her. Then, it became a gift, again, something sacred that she shared with another person. Eva wished she had the same strength  that Val did, the strength to love and live out loud. 

“Eva?” She turns when a voice calls her name. Lucia stands in her doorway, looking beautiful but unsure. 

“Lucia,” Eva says. “Hey.” 

“Is everything okay?” Eva shakes her head, holding her hand out. Lucia looks at her carefully and then starts to come forward, taking her hand. 

“I don’t know, but maybe it can be,” Eva says, pulling Lucia further into the room and closing the door. Maybe Valentina was right, they could be scared together. 

“You look beautiful, chiquita,” Valentina says as she wraps her arms around Juliana from behind. They’re both dressed for the showcase, Juliana wearing a beautiful dark blue dress with silver accents, and Valentina wearing black slacks paired with a white blouse. Her leather jacket rests on the bed, waiting until they leave so Val can slip it on. 

“So do you,” Juliana turns in her arms, sliding her own around Valentina’s waist. She leans in her a kiss, her hand sliding further up Valentina’s back as she does. Her fingertips meet slightly raised skin and Valentina tenses. “I’m sorry.” 

Valentina shakes her head, holding Juliana’s arms steady when she tries to pull away. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting it.” 

It’s not the first time Juliana has touched her scars, but Valentina can’t pretend that it doesn’t affect her. It’s difficult for her not to react, a part of her scared that once Juliana’s perfect hands touch her back, she’ll decide that Valentina isn’t beautiful enough to be loved. She’s spoken about the issue with Barbara many times in their now once a week sessions, but she hasn’t been able to overcome the fear. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Juliana apologizes again. 

“I know, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” Valentina lets go of Juliana and sits down on the bed. She holds her head in her hands, sighing as she feels Juliana’s hands on her thighs. Juliana kneels in front of her, leaving one hand on Valentina’s thigh to help her keep balance and using the other to cup Valentina’s face. 

“Hey, look at me baby,” Juliana whispers softly. Valentina opens her eyes but doesn’t lift her head. “Listen to me, I know you think your scars are ugly, I do. I understand. It’s okay.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to feel like this when you touch me.” 

“Baby, you don’t have to apologize for anything.” Juliana tells her, wiping Valentina’s tears away. 

“I miss you, I miss being with you. But everytime I think about us, I-” Valentina cuts herself off with a small sob. Juliana moves to sit beside her, pulling her into a hug. 

“Valentina,” Juliana begins softly. “I won’t pretend that I don’t miss that, too. I do. I miss feeling you against me, connecting with you that way. But, mi amor, I don’t need to have sex with you to be happy.” 

“But you miss it,” Valentina mumbled against Juliana’s neck. Juliana nodded. 

“I do, but you know what else I miss? The pan my mom used to make when I was a kid. I miss my first bike. I miss walking around school wearing your letterman.” Juliana chuckles slightly. “There’s a lot of things I miss, things that may never happen again. Things that may happen tomorrow. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy without them.” Juliana cards her fingers through Valentina’s hair. “I missed you, more than I thought I could miss anything. I can handle having you with me and not having sex.” 

“But you want to, again.” Valentina says and starts to pull away. Juliana won’t let her go completely. 

“Of course, I do. I love being with you like that. I’ve never shared that connection with anyone else and I never want to. If you don’t want to have sex, then we won’t. That won’t make us any less in love.” 

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that again,” Valentina whispers. “But I don’t want to lose you.” 

“You won’t, Val. I’m not going anywhere.” Juliana kissed the top of Valentina’s head. “I’m right here with you, mi amor, forever.” 

“Pacto?” Valentina requests softly, holding her pinky finger out. Juliana smiles and wraps her own pinky around Val’s. 

“Pacto.” 

~

“Val?” Juliana mumbles, feeling her girlfriend shifting in the bed. She doesn’t know what time it is, doesn’t even remember falling asleep. It had been an emotional day, for all of them, but she knew it was worse for Valentina. The anniversary of the day Valentina came home had her emotions on edge. She had been switching between blue and red the whole day, sometimes without warning. It had been difficult for Juliana to sit back when Valentina suddenly went red, but she held herself together. Val needed her, they needed each other. 

Juliana rubs at her eyes, trying to wake herself up as Valentina continues to move. She hears a whimper, and then another. A whisper of her name. 

“Juls,” Juliana sits up, turning over to look at Valentina then. Her concern grows when she sees that Valentina is drenched in sweat, the blankets thrown off her body and gripping the sheets so tight Juliana can see her knuckles stand out against her skin. 

“Val, Valentina,” Juliana calls her name softly. Val whimpers in response, her head turning from side to side. 

“No,” her voice comes out a shaky mumble. “Not her. Please.” 

“Val, baby, wake up.” Juliana tries again, and starts to reach out. 

Before her can make contact with Valentina, the woman releases a harsh cry and wakes up, leaping from the bed. 

“NO!” Valentina cries, landing on her feet and whirling to face the bed even as she falls, backing into the corner with her arms raised over her head. She looked like she was trying to make herself as small as possible, hiding behind her arms. 

“No,” she says again, a sob rather than a cry. 

“Oh, Val,” Juliana whispers as she crawls out of bed. She kneels a few feet from Val, speaking in a low soothing tone. “Valentina, honey, it’s me. It’s Juliana. Can you hear me?” 

“It’s not real, it’s not real.” Valentina rocks back and forth slightly, Juliana can see that she’s shaking. 

“I’m real, amor, I’m right here. I promise. Val, can you look at me?” Valentina slowly lifts her head, still partially hiding but Juliana can see the blue of her eyes. “Good, that’s good, Val. Just focus on me.” 

“Juls, I-I don’t know what,” Valentina pants harshly, looking around. Juliana can tell that she hasn’t yet realized where she is, and her panic is making it hard for her to breath. 

“Mirame, Val, baby, you need to breathe. Copy me. Okay? In and out, slowly. That’s good, you’re doing great, Val.” Juliana takes a cautious step forward. “Slow and steady, just like that.” 

“Juliana, I’m scared, I see-” Val cuts herself off, curling in on herself. 

“What do you see?” Juliana asks, stopping her movements towards Valentina. 

“It’s too dark, I don’t know where the shadows are.” Valentina hides her eyes again. Juliana moves to her left, turns on the lamp on the bedside table. She moves around the bed, and turns on the main light in the room. With the lights on, she can see the traces of sweat on Valentina, the way her hair sticks to her skin. 

“Val, mi amor, look at me. Tell me where the shadows are.” Juliana requests softly, kneeling before her again. She’s close enough that she can touch Valentina, but doesn’t reach out just yet. She waits as Valentina opens her eyes again, watches her look around the illuminated room. Her gaze slips in and out of focus until she finally settles her gaze on Juliana. 

“They-They’re gone.” Valentina says, slowly lowering her arms. “They’re, Juliana, I-” Valentina shakes her head as Juliana moves so they sit side-by-side. Juliana waits until Valentina leans into her, the silent signal that she’s okay with being touched, before wrapping both her arms around Valentina and pulling her into her lap. 

“I’m here, I’ve got you.” Juliana promises, rubbing Valentina’s arms and back in soothing motions. She can feel the way Valentina’s clothes cling to her skin, feel the outlines of the scars on her back and makes sure her hand doesn’t linger there for too long. “I’ve got you.” 

“I’m sorry.” Valentina mumbles against Juliana’s neck. 

“Shh, Val, it’s okay. We’re okay. We’re safe.” Juliana kisses her temple, holds her tighter. 

“I was back there, the first time. With Alacran.” Valentina says after a long silence. She’s not shaking so much, but silent tears still fall from her eyes. “I was chained up when they brought you in. I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t do anything. They just kept hurting you. When they did touch me, I could feel your blood on their hands.” 

“What do you need?” Juliana asks softly, cupping the back of Valentina’s head. 

“I can still feel it, feel you I-I don’t know what to do.” Valentina presses herself closer to Juliana, clinging to her. 

“Okay, okay,” Juliana maneuvers her hands into a better position and then carefully rises to her feet, craddeling Valentina to her chest. “I have an idea. Do you trust me?” 

“I trust you,” Valentina whispers, after Juliana doesn’t move when Valentina nods her head. 

“Okay,” Juliana walks them into the bathroom, pausing to turn on the lights and then setting Valentina on the closed toilet seat. She starts to pull away but stops when Valentina clings to her. “Hey, I’m right here, Valentina. Take my hand,” she holds her hand out for Valentina, who takes it and laces their fingers together. “I’m just going to turn on the shower, okay?” 

Valentina nods, turning with Juliana as she moves to the shower. Their arms stretch as far as they can go but Juliana manages to turn the shower on and set the temperature without breaking their connection. 

“Okay, the shower is on.” Juliana turns back to Valentina. “Do you want me to help with your clothes?” Valentina nods her head, then agrees verbally when Juliana asks again. Juliana helps her remove her t-shirt, shorts and underwear and leads her to the shower. Valentina hesitates for a moment, turning to Juliana before she steps under the water. 

“Will you stay with me?” 

“Of course,” Juliana quickly removes her own clothing from her body and steps into the shower with Valentina. They stand under the spray for a moment, Valentina with her eyes closed. Juliana asks if she wants help washing off, and then proceeds to rub down Valentina’s body, gently washing away the physical traces of Valentina’s nightmare. She tells Valentina where she’s going to touch her and waits for Valentina to acknowledge her words before moving. The process is slow going but Juliana can feel Valentina start to relax. Juliana washes the back of Valentina’s body the same way, feeling Valentina shiver as she washes her lower back. When she’s done, Valentina stands under the water, breathing deeply. When Juliana reaches around her to grab the bottle of shampoo, Valentina catches her hand and uses it to wrap Juliana’s arms around her waist. 

Juliana steps closer then, pressing her front to Valentina’s back. Valentina gasps slightly at the contact but leans into her, ducking her head down slightly. Juliana wraps her other arm around Valentina’s waist and presses a kiss against her shoulder. They stand like that for a long, silent moment, the soft plinks of water hitting their bodies the only noise in the room. Juliana keeps her breaths slow and steady, feeling Valentina match her breath for breath. Juliana feels Valentina shift slightly, turning in her arms until they’re face to face. 

She simply stares at Juliana for a moment, her face completely open for Juliana to read. Valentina had lowered her guard completely, and was letting Juliana see everything she felt. Her fear, her anger, her hope, her love. A million words written in the blue of her eyes that Val didn’t know how to say. She didn’t need to voice the words anyway. She could see every answer, every response to her feelings in Juliana’s eyes. Juliana’s fear, anger, hope. Juliana’s love, written so clearly it was like seeing a rose in bloom, capturing all of Valentina’s attention. 

Juliana turned off the water and wrapped them each in a towel before leading Valentina back into the bedroom. She starts to move to the dresser to grab a fresh set of pajamas for each of them but Valentina stops her. 

“I need to feel you.” Valentina says softly. “Is that okay?” 

“Yes,” Juliana offers Valentina a smile, walks them over to the bed. As Valentina climbs into the bed, Juliana asks, “Do you want to keep the lights on?

“Not all of them, just this one,” Valentina gestures to the lamp on the bedside table. 

“Okay,” Juliana smiles softly at her and reaches to turn the main light off. When she turns back to Valentina, she sees her tossing the damp towel to the floor. She feels nervous suddenly, and she can tell Valentina feels the same way from the way she rubs her fingers against the blankets. 

“Hey,” Juliana says as she slides into bed, “do you want me to hold you? I can leave my towel on.” 

“No,” Valentina shakes her head. “I mean, yes, I want you to hold me. I just…” she sighs softly. Juliana nods, and removes her towel before laying back against the pillows. 

“Here,” Juliana opens her arms for Valentina to settle into her embrace. Valentina settles against her slowly and Juliana cups the back of her head. “Red or blue?” 

“What?” 

“Feel where my hand is. Red or blue?” Juliana says again, gently touching Valentina’s hair. 

“Oh,” Valentina sighs, “Blue,” 

“Okay,” Juliana moved her hand to Valentina’s hip, curling her fingers over her hip bone. “Red or blue?” 

“Blue,” Valentina says again, relaxing further into Juliana. She feels Juliana nod her head and then her hand moves again. 

“Red or blue?” Juliana asks, her hand resting on the small of Valentina’s back, over her scars. It’s the place where her hand naturally falls when she holds Valentina this way, which hadn’t been a problem so far as long as Valentina had been wearing a shirt. “It’s okay if the answer is red.” 

Valentina presses closer to Juliana, kissing her neck softly. “Blue.” 

“Blue?” Juliana feels Valentina nod her head, Valentina’s hand settles over her stomach. 

“Blue.” 

~

It takes four and a half weeks for Valentina to feel okay again. She didn’t have nightmares every night, but when she did, they were just as vivid and disorienting as the first one. She woke up covered in sweat and shaking, too scared to look at her hands because she was certain they would be stained red with Juliana’s blood. She tells Barbara about her dreams, about the ways Juliana helps her recover each time, about how she feels guilty for waking up Juliana and needing so much help each time. Barbara let’s her talk through the issue, until she feels like she’s ready to talk to Juliana about the same. 

“Vale, I want you to wake me up when things like this happen. It’s not a burden,” Juliana tells her, fingertips lightly tracing over Valentina’s nose and cheekbones. They’re laying in bed together when Valentina brings up the issue, facing one another with little space between their bodies. “You’re not a burden. I want to help you, I want you to know you can come to me for help, just like I know I can come to you.” Juliana kissed her nose then. “We’re partners. That’s how this works.” 

“I know,” Valentina moved closer to Juliana, tucking her head into the crook of Juliana’s neck. “I still feel guilty about it.” She feels Juliana sigh, and a part of her feels even worse but she can’t help the way she feels. 

“I know,” Juliana presses their lips together then, softly. “I know and it’s okay that you feel that way. I just - I’ll feel guilty too, if I’m not there to help you.” 

“You will?” Valentina’s tone betrays her surprise and she pulls away from Juliana enough to look her in the eyes. She rests her head on the pillow they’d been sharing, watching Juliana roll the words she wants to say around in head before she speaks. 

“I wasn’t there, for three years you had to deal with all of this, all alone.” Juliana says. She feels Valentina’s hand on her waist, thumb rubbing a soothing motion along the strip of skin revealed from where her t-shirt had ridden up slightly. “I know your nightmares aren’t a new thing, and it kills me that you had to face them on your own.” 

“What do you mean?” Valentina asks softly, certain that she had never mentioned the nightmares she had while she was away, not to anyone other than Barbara. 

Juliana took a deep breath and then told Valentina about the conversation she had with Maya, nearly a year ago before Valentina had even seemed like she wanted to get better. Valentina looked shocked at the revelation, both that Maya had known about her dreams and about Maya’s true feelings for her. 

“When I think about all the times you reached for me, and I wasn’t there, I just can’t help but feel guilty. I know it wasn’t something we could control, but I still hate knowing we were so far apart and still reaching for each other, knowing the other wouldn’t be there.” Juliana reached out, brushing Valentina’s hair away from her shoulder and cupping her neck, just to feel her skin, her warmth and remind herself that they had somehow made it past all that. “I want you to feel like you can reach for me. I want you to know that I’ll be here.” 

“I do,” Valentina whispers, wiggling closer to Juliana so their fronts are pressed together. Her hand slips to Juliana’s back, fingers splayed across warm skin in an effort to press closer. “I know you’re there. I just -” Valentina cuts herself off and looks away. Juliana touches her chin gently, asking her to look into her eyes again. “I don’t want our relationship to be just about you helping me. I want us to be us again, without constantly thinking about all the time we didn’t have together.” 

“Okay,” Juliana says softly, because even though she wants to argue that their relationship isn’t just about Valentina, she knows that whatever she says won’t change the way Valentina feels and might make her close up again, which is the last thing Juliana wants. Instead, Juliana says, “what if we think about the good times we had together?” 

“I don’t want to be stuck in the past, Juls.” Valentina protests and Juliana shakes her head lightly. 

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Juliana pulls away slightly and throws the blankets off their bodies. “Come with me?” She requests when she’s on her feet beside the bed, hand extended to Valentina. Valentina pulls herself from the bed and takes the offered hand. Juliana leads them to living room, directing Valentina to sit on the couch while she heads to the bookshelf near the window. 

“Juls?” Valentina questions when Juliana sits beside her, three black photo albums in her hands. Valentina recognizes them instantly, the first being the one she had gifted Juliana their first Christmas together. It was their story. 

“We’ve been so focused on the bad three years,” Juliana says, sliding the albums labeled two and three back and pulling the first one to the forefront. “Maybe we need to remember the good ones, too.” 

She pulls Valentina close and opens the first album, greeted with the smiling faces of their fifteen year old selves, immortalized in the pages. The first few are from the park where they met, sitting at the bench or standing beneath a tree, some selfies they had taken where even then they looked at each other a little too long to be just friends. Next comes the ones from the Carvajal mansion, some taken during their swim lessons or movie nights. Valentina brushes her fingers against the photo Guille had taken of them, the night before they officially got together. 

“I still can’t believe your brother took this creeper picture of us,” Juliana giggles. Valentina cracks a half smile, looking at their forms curled together. The bruises that had adorned Juliana’s face at the time were hidden from view, but when Valentina looks up at Juliana’s face, she can see the scar from the encounter. It’s small, not noticeable unless you knew what to look for. 

“I’m glad he did,” Valentina leans further into Juliana as they continue looking through the photographs. They trade stories and memories as they progress through their walk down memory lane, sometimes commenting on Eva and Guille or Lucia’s expression in the photographs, and pausing for a long moment on a picture of Leon and Val that had been taken the summer before they left. 

The last picture was from their third anniversary, a mere two months before Valentina had disappeared. They had taken it at the Valle House, laying together under a blanket in front of the fire. The photo had been taken by Val, her arm extended out of the frame. Their bodies were pressed close together, bare, Juliana remembered. She had her nose buried against Valentina’s collar bone, eyes closed. Valentina had her lips pressed against Juliana’s forehead, eyes closed and the barest hint of a lovemark half hidden beneath Juliana’s hair. 

“We didn’t even make it to the bedroom that night.” Valentina laughs softly, tracing her fingertip over the photograph. 

“It was our anniversary,” Juliana shrugged, unashamed, “We were together, happy, safe. Having a bed was optional.” She chuckles lightly, rubbing Valentina’s back when she leans into her. Valentina hums slightly, turning her head to kiss Juliana’s neck gently. She feels the gulp Juliana tires to conceal and pulls back. 

“What about now?” Valentina asks, moving the photo album from Juliana’s lap and taking it’s place. “Is having a bed still optional?” 

Juliana nods mutely, pupils blown and eyes dark with desire as her hands land on Val’s bare thighs. She swallows thickly when Valentina’s hands slide up her arms. Juliana forces herself to lean back slightly, trying to keep herself from getting to excited. It’s not the first time she and Val had been in a position like this, even if the Valentina had stopped them long before hands slipped beneath clothing. She doesn’t want Valentina to feel pressured. However, when she leans back, Valentina follows, resting their foreheads together. 

“Val,” her name escapes Juliana’s lips on a breathless whisper. “Are you sure?”” 

“Yes,” Valentina presses closer, fingers teasing at Juliana’s skin. “You were right, we’re too focused on the bad times. I’m too focused on what we lost, I’m forgetting what we can have again.” 

“We don’t need to have sex to have that again.” Juliana tells her, but it takes all of her focus to keep from flexing her hands against Valentina’s legs and pulling her closer. 

“I know,” Valentina brushes their lips together, a ghost of a kiss that still manages to leave them both breathless. “I want too. I want to be with you like that again. I miss you.” 

“If you want to stop, if it’s too much…” Juliana feels Valentina’s nod. 

“I’ll tell you, I promise.” Valentina kisses her again, tangling her fingers in Juliana’s hair and pressing their bodies together. “I love you.” 

“I love you.” Juliana replied and this time when they kissed, she allowed her hands to roam. She moved slowly, waiting for any indication that Val was uncomfortable, as Juliana’s hands slipped beneath her top. She felt Valentina shudder slightly, but instead of pulling away, Valentina pressed closer. Her hands travelled down Juliana’s torso until her fingers found the hem of her shirt. She pulls up, Juliana letting go of her just long enough to lift her arms and get the shirt off. 

Juliana whimpers slightly when Valentina’s hands brush against her breasts, feeling a rush of her that settles in her core. She tugs at Valentina’s shirt, the silent question answered when Valentina lifts her arms without disconnecting their lips. Once the shirt is gone Juliana takes the opportunity to press kisses along Valentina’s collarbone and then moves lower, tracing over the rise of Val’s breast. She feels Valentina’s fingers in her hair and along her back, burning into her skin. 

“Juliana,” Val whispers softly when she pulls back slightly, both of their chests heaving. Juliana looks up into her eyes, reaching with one hand to cup Valentina’s cheek. “Love me, please. Let me love you. Help me let go of the past. Help me make new memories.” 

Juliana nods her head, leaning into kiss Valentina on the lips, letting their tongues dance together slowly. Valentina clings to her, pressing impossibly close. She feels Juliana’s hands travel down her torso, around her waist and settle beneath her bottom. Juliana pushes herself to her feet, Valentina’s legs wrapping around her waist as she walks them back to the bedroom. Juliana gently sets Valentina down on the edge of the bed kneeling before her. Her hands rest over Valentina’s short-covered hips, silent question in her eyes. Valentina rises slightly, just enough for Juliana to slide the remaining of her clothes off her body. Once they’re gone, Valentina scoots backwards, laying against the pillows with her eyes focused on Juliana. 

Juliana stands, her own shorts sliding off her hips and leaving her bare. She watches Valentina’s eyes slide over her skin, taking in every part of her as she does the same to Valentina. She takes the time to appreciate what she sees, comparing the body she remembers to the one before her now. She can’t deny the differences there, the new scars, the harder muscles were Valentina used to be so soft, but she can’t wait to learn her all over again. 

She crawls on to the bed, hovering over Valentina as she presses their lips together, until Valentina grows tired of the space between them and pulls Juliana down on top of her. They moan as their bodies come in contact again, sliding together in an old dance that feels so new. Juliana remembers Valentina’s request, to love her and to let her lover Juliana again and follows it as best she can. She loves Valentina, with her hands and lips and soul, mapping out her skin again, remembering the places that made Valentina moan or sigh, whimper and gasp. She lets Valentina do the same, feeling her body respond to Valentina’s fingers against her, ever moan and whisper of her name sounding like heaven to her ears. 

When they settle together, spent and sweaty but feeling closer than they had in years, Juliana feels the last of the hurt in her heart fade into a scar, one that she’ll carry with her always. One that matches the scar in Valentina’s heart, one that reminds them of what they lost and what they got back. 

“I love you,” Juliana whispers, kissing Valentina’s shoulder softly. She feels Valentina shift in her arms, turning over to connect their lips. 

“I love you, too.” 

Valentina feels like she’s really come home. Even if she has nightmares sometimes and doesn’t always know how to say what she feels anymore, she’s home. She knows who she is again, and she knows who she loves. 

That, Valentina thinks as she feels Juliana settle into her arms, her body relaxing as sleep takes over, is worth all the scars she carries.