Chapter Text
Aaron wakes as the first few hazy September streams of sunlight break through the haphazardly shut curtains, cutting across the hotel room and encroaching the bed. A smile blooms on his face as he looks down at where the light falls on his hand, resting on top of another. He’s not sure how long he lays there, staring at their hands before there’s movement behind him. A kiss to the back of his neck, an arm tightening around his midsection to draw him closer. His boyfriend.
It still feels such a foreign word; despite the fact they’ve technically been dating for a year now. A year today, to be exact. But it isn’t a word Aaron’s had to say too often, only like this, hidden away somewhere, just the two of them. To the rest of the village, they’re just best mates – the troubled teens that found friendship within their chaos. It’s not a lie. It just doesn’t come anywhere near enough to the real depth of their relationship.
Aaron rolls over, relishing in the knowledge he doesn’t have to restrain himself and brushes the stray blonde hairs that have fallen, thumb trailing along the freckled skin underneath. Robert stirs at the movement, eyes fluttering open and lips smiling with a tenderness that Aaron sometimes still feels unworthy of.
He shuffles closer until they’re practically sharing the same pillow. “Morning.”
“Morning,” Robert grins, ducking his head for a kiss that has Aaron chasing after. “happy anniversary.”
It’s so gentle that the weight of it all, a whole three hundred and sixty-five days of being someone’s boyfriend, is almost nothing. It just feels normal, and Aaron can’t help himself when he leans in for another kiss, letting it linger for a moment as he takes the moment in. When he pulls away, the look on Robert’s face causes his heart to stumble. He’d seen it in films, that awe-filled look of love that seemed such a cliché. But now it’s there, right in front of him, for him.
It's mad to think that only last year they were brawling in the Sugden barn then apologising that afternoon with a bottle of whiskey between them. Aaron remembers that first kiss, slurred confessions bringing them closer until their shoulders bump and for the first time, Aaron allows the feeling of contact to fizz in his stomach.
“C'n I kiss you?” Robert had murmured, head lolling towards him, and Aaron just remembers nodding, head clouded by the feeling of Robert's warm breath on his skin. It wasn't his first kiss, but it was the first one that made his stomach flip. Whiskey laden and the tinny taste of Robert's still bloodied lip, he'd parted his lips and allowed Robert in.
Then he'd sobered and fled faster than he ever had from the scene of a crime.
“What you thinkin' about?” He's drawn back to the present with a smile. It took two weeks for Robert to talk Aaron round, after another kiss round the back of the pavilion. He'd been sober that time, but Robert had brought him back from his panic, with a gentle understanding nobody had ever afforded him before.
“You.”
“Soft lad.”
Aaron laughs, “you love it.”
“I love you.”
It's still a terrifying novelty – to hear those words, to be loved not through family obligation, but through choice. A small part of him wants to run each time he hears it, but the further away they are from Emmerdale, the quieter that voice is.
Now, there's another voice shouting alongside it. He lets it speak for the first time.
“I love you too.”
He wants to bottle the moment forever. Take a photo of Robert’s face as the words sink in and keep it close when his insecurities rear their ugly heads.
"At the roundabout, turn right, second exit.”
His heart sinks as recognition hits him, just how close they are to the village. How little time left they have to enjoy this. Them. Robert’s hand warm and firm on his thigh, fingers tapping along to the quiet murmur of the radio without a care in the world. Aaron finds himself slightly hypnotised by it, by the visions in his head of them sitting together like this in the pub, not labelled of judged as anything other than just another couple.
He slides his hand on top of Robert’s, fingers gentling their way across until they can curl around and take hold. Robert’s eyes are on him, he can feel the prickle of it heating his skin, but Aaron acts oblivious. It’s one of his favourite things to do, really. Catch Robert off-guard.
They sit in silence for the most part. Nothing awkward, just a comfortable quiet that settles over the car as it twists and turns downs country lanes, ever closer to the village.
That is until Robert pulls over in some layby. He knows what this is, they’ve done it enough times after some trip out somewhere. It almost feels like their spot. Cutting the engine, Robert sits back and just, looks at Aaron, and something lodges in Aaron’s throat. They’ve spent the entire weekend together, for the first time it’s been just the two of them for more than a day, without any fear or paranoia clouding over them.
Something within Aaron can’t let go. It feels like fear pooling in his stomach. A dread he can’t fully explain.
“Wish we could just go back,” Robert admits. There’s a wry smile on his boyfriend’s face, and Aaron wonders whether he’s feeling the same fear, dread, whatever it is, that’s gathering within him. “This weekend’s been amazing.”
“Not too long ‘til my birthday. We could go back, or go somewhere hot. Ibiza or summat. It’s not that bad!” Aaron can’t help it when Robert pulls a face at the mention of Ibiza, he shoves his shoulder but allows his hand to be caught. Fingers laced together, hearts intertwined. “Plus, it's cheap. Might have to wait ‘til next year for anywhere like Barca.”
“You think about that?”
“What? Holidays?”
“No, the future. Our future.”
Aaron swallows. He tries to shrug it off but judging by the awe-filled look on Robert’s face, it’s too late to backtrack. “Sorta. Mostly just, the next year.”
“Coming out, you mean?”
It’s an awkward subject. One they’ve not really dared to approach beyond the odd promise of one day, but he knows they can’t just dance around it forever. Especially not with Robert looking into acting agents and Aaron hearing rumours of scouts from the football league coming to watch him at every game. Someday, soon most likely, they’ll have to decide between their dreams and their desires.
“Yeah. I miss ya when we’re in the village. I know we hang out but-”
“It’s not the same.” Robert finishes with a squeeze of Aaron’s hand.
“It’s not the same.” He agrees, squeezing Robert’s hand back in response as he feels the frustration build. The never-ending war within him, between keeping his sexuality hidden and wanting to be close to his boyfriend whenever he wants. Looking over to Robert, eyes shining in the afternoon sun, he knows the same war rages within Robert too.
Pushing out a breath and glancing briefly at the lonely lane in front of them, Robert turns completely to face Aaron. “Look, we’ve got time to think about that, yeah? Just c’mere and kiss me before we go back.”
More than happy to oblige, Aaron leans forward and across the console, hands finding home in Robert’s blonde hair and curls his tongue behind Robert’s teeth. He savours the taste, the moment and the feeling.
He yearns for a day in the future where they don’t jump at the sound of a car, or where they don’t have to say goodbye to go back home.
Aaron’s never been a clingy person. Not to his knowledge, anyway. He’s watched people become so attached to their partners that they merge into one person and he always swore he’d never get to that point no matter how much he loved someone.
But, he and Robert usually chat for hours each day. It’s not always a full conversation, sometimes just sharing a meme or a joke, or a photo of what they’re up to. So he’s used to that notification in the top corner, Robert basically always with him even if they have to hide the real affection of their relationship.
It’s why when he hasn’t heard from Robert in a few hours, something twists in his stomach. The last message in their thread sits staring at him, timestamp glaring.
From: Robert (12:22)
Miss you already xx
To: Robert (12:23)
Going soft on me Sugden?To: Robert (12:23)
Guess I miss you too x
Aaron quickly calms himself, shakes the concern off and tells himself to stop being so soft. Robert loves him. He loves Robert. It isn’t easy, but they’ve made it a whole year. A few hours are minuscule in comparison.
He’s wondering whether to text Robert again, sat avoiding his mum as he picks at a burger he’d managed to beg off Marlon. She’s been relentless since he came back, buzzing around him and wanting all the details as if she’s expecting something. Asking about girls to the point he almost snapped the truth back at her.
“Did you hear about Jack?” He overhears someone at the bar, ears immediately perking up when the conversation hits him. “He were carted off in an ambulance this morning. Not heard ‘owt since.”
He doesn’t even listen to the rest of the conversation, just tunes the whole thing out as he hastily pulls out his phone. Somehow Robert’s silence is even more concerning now, thoughts of a distraught Robert sat in a hospital corridor swirling as he types.
To: Robert (15:55)
Just heard about your dad. Hope everythings ok. Here if you need me. Xx
He forces himself to put the phone down, picking at a few more chips before checking. The two little grey ticks are now blue, and there’s two messages from Robert.
From: Robert (15:58)
He’s still in resus but think it’ll be okay.From: Robert (15:59)
I love you. xx
Even though there’s nobody that can see the message, Aaron finds himself glancing around briefly as the blush creeps up his cheeks. There’s something about seeing it in black and white, tangible proof that he hasn’t dreamed it up in his mind, that sends a different type of jolt through him. As he reads it, he can hear Robert’s voice, a whisper, lips brushing against the shell of his ear.
The vibration of his phone against the wood of his bedside table shocks him awake, heart racing at the sudden noise and frowning as he sees the time on his alarm. 19:06. Still fully dressed, he groans at the feeling of his jeans digging into his hip as he rolls over to answer the phone. Victoria.
“Aaron! Aaron, you’ve got to talk him out of it.” Vic sobs down the phone, half hysterical and the sound of Robert and Andy shouting in the background.
“What’s happening? Is your dad alright?”
“Robert’s leaving. He’s- he’s packed, and he’s leaving.”
There’s a suitcase in the backseat of Robert’s car and raised voices spilling from the open door when Aaron arrives. He barely has time to catch his breath when Robert appears in the doorway, another bag over his shoulder and Victoria on his heels.
“So, it’s true?” Aaron can’t even bring himself to hide his upset. He can feel the lump in his throat swell as Robert’s head snaps up and their eyes meet. “You’re leaving?”
“Aaron, what-”
“You weren’t even gonna tell me, were you? You were just gonna drive off.”
“He wasn’t going to tell any of us! It’s only cos I caught him sneaking a bag into his car.” Victoria interjects. She’s tucked under Andy’s arm, face blotchy and wet, and Aaron can only imagine the scene. She’s a force to be reckoned with. The youngest Sugden, but with the biggest heart, especially when it comes to family. As long as he’s known Robert, he’s known how much he loves his little sister.
“I was going to tell you, Vic.”
“Were you going to tell me?” He doesn’t miss it, the hesitation and the way Robert’s eyes can’t quite meet his. Aaron scoffs, “you weren’t, were you? Even after everyth—”
Robert steps forward then, practically lunges towards Aaron. “Can we not do this here.” In his peripheral, Aaron can see Victoria glancing between them with a confused frown, and Andy glaring at the back of Robert’s head as if it'll give the answer to all his questions. He huffs.
“Pavilion at 6.”
“Aaron-”
“Pavilion,” he repeats, more forcefully this time. He can feel the shock and upset giving way to bubbling anger the longer he stands here. “6 o'clock, or we do this here.”
17:58
Aaron swings between anger and heartbreak as he waits, glancing at the time every few seconds and knee bouncing more and more the longer time goes on. It’s a pendulum of emotions, his sanity balancing on a precipice.
He’s just pocketed his phone when the pavilion door creaks open, Robert stepping in from the darkness and closing it behind him. The lone exposed bulb above them isn’t the best light source, but Aaron curses Robert’s natural ability to look good no matter how the shadows cast over him. It sets him on edge again, insecurities running riot until Robert steps closer, tentatively sitting down next to him on the battered sofa.
“Was any of it, this, real?” Aaron starts, diving straight in. His fingers curl around the edge of the sofa, picking at the soft sponge inside the seat. “Or have you just been pissin’ about while I’ve been making a twat of myself fallin’ for ya?”
“It was real, of course it was. I never lied to you about anything.”
His laugh is wet and thick with tears as it punches out of him. “What the fuck’s happenin’ then?”
“My dad. I- today, seeing him like that. It made me think... about my mum, about life, y’know? I don’t wanna die tomorrow with any regrets.”
“Regret now, am I?”
“No – it’s just… I wanna try and make it, be an actor like I always wanted. Together forever is nice and all, but it’s bull, isn’t it? We put our lives on hold, okay, but what happens if we split in five years. What would be the point?”
“You’d be worth it. Robert, you’re the first person to make me feel like I’m worth anything.”
He hates the way Robert sighs at that, the same exasperated sound his family makes whenever he tries to defend himself and his actions. “You’re young, Aaron. You don’t know what you want.”
“Being gay, wanting you – it isn’t just some fucking teenage crush Robert. I know I love you, just like I know you can’t turn off being gay no matter how much you want to.”
That gets a response. Finally, some form of emotion flooding the fact in front of him that has been suspiciously blank and empty since Aaron found out. Robert’s on his feet now. The distance between them growing.
“I'm not gay.” The word is spat out with vitriol, Robert’s lips lifting into a grimace. “I like women.”
“Seemed pretty gay last night when I stuck my dick in you.”
“Fuck you, Aaron.”
“Yeah, you did that too.”
“I’m leaving, okay? I’m not gonna waste my life in this shithole village. I'm gonna make something of myself, have a wife and a family. Be normal.”
It’s a world away from any conversation they’ve ever had. Sure, there’s been spats – usually over little things, Aaron accidentally leaving his pants in Robert’s room, Robert being a noisy twat in Aaron’s bed. But this, squaring up so heatedly, chests heaving but no lustful anticipation between them. Robert’s fists are curled, and Aaron’s eyes are stinging with tears as he tries to wrap his head around what’s happening.
This really is it.
The realisation hits him like the final wave against a weather-battered cliff, knocking all the fight right out of him, crumbling away alongside his anger.
“You told me you loved me,” Aaron whispers. He can hear his voice, thick with tears he’s barely holding back now. Something flickers on Robert’s face, something he finally recognises as his Robert. It softens the hard edge to his eyes and mouth, causes him to look down at his feet before meeting Aaron’s gaze again.
“It's not enough.”
You’re not enough.
Aaron swallows, nods as he covers his face with his hand and tries to gather himself again.
He hears the scuff of feet and wonders his Robert is bracing himself for their last goodbye as well, wonders if Robert will even hold him one last time, but then he hears the door open.
Aaron daren’t open his eyes for fear of breaking completely. Instead, he listens to the sound of footsteps down the pavilion steps, holds his breath with his lip trapped between his teeth until he hears the crunching of gravel under tyres.
Aaron wakes to the sound of rain against his window, dull sunshine bleeding into the room. He rolls over and reaches for his phone, waking up the screen and scanning his notifications through bleary eyes. His heart jumps to his throat, lodging itself there before plummeting to the bottom of his stomach as he catches sight of his wallpaper. Him and Robert, a selfie taken in a barely lit club just 48 hours ago, Robert’s arm around his shoulders and the two of them grinning up at Aaron’s phone. He’s not one for photos, but Aaron knows in the gallery there’s more – Robert pressing a kiss to his cheek just after, Robert standing behind him in their hotel with his arms around Aaron’s waist, Robert laughing, Robert eating, Robert sleeping.
Robert, Robert, Robert.
He’s tucked himself away in every conceivable crevice of Aaron’s life. Without him, he’s gaping open. Countless wounds, countless scars.
He considers just turning over, sleeping the pain away until he can stomach facing his world without Robert, but his mum barrels in squawking about the state of his room and the fact he’s still in bed. Aaron snaps, his mum bites, and then she’s slamming the door behind her telling him he has five minutes or she’s making him clean the bogs for the rest of the week.
Not wanting Robert to win is the biggest motivation in the end. He even sits with Andy, buys him a pint and thinks about all the times Robert had come to him with clenched fists and frustrated tears as he clinks their glasses together in a silent fuck you.
He’s even able to laugh at Andy as he cracks some joke about Robert, but as his eyes meet Victoria’s, it hitches in his throat, like the way his jumper caught the wired fence on the morning of that first meeting. She’s frowning at him, eyes dampened by something Aaron can’t quite place alongside the sadness. His paranoia tells him she knows. His heart tells him to talk to her. His head tells him to bury it all.
In the end, he takes the latter's advice.