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"I don't want to leave Busan," Kai said softly.
His voice was muffled because he lay on his stomach, head buried in his arms, with his open laptop in front of him. The Skype connection was slow and had a tendency to break into pixels with rapid movement, but it was the best way to talk to Soobin. Now that they were an ocean away from each other, they could not invade each other's dorm rooms whenever they wanted. On most days, Kai managed to keep from resenting the distance.
A snort of laughter came from the speakers. "Hyuka, you know there is a very simple solution to this problem."
Kai peeked up and looked at the screen. Soobin's image was pixelated and lagging, but Kai could still make out the incredulous grin on his bestfriend's face. He dropped his head back down with a groan. "I know, I know."
"'I know, I know," Soobin mimicked "Have you tried talking to the guy?"
'The guy,' a.k.a Kai's boyfriend, Taehyun, had done a lot of talking. The summer had been one long conversation to try and convince Kai to transfer to public school. In the beginning, Kai had ignored the issue. That no longer seemed to be an option.
"Of course I've tried talking to him!" Kai shot upright, a little indignant. "Well, okay, I've sort of tried talking to him. He's kind of … not talking to me? We still go out, but he won't talk. He says he's punishing me for not making a decision."
There was a long, loaded silence. Kai tilted his head curiously, wondering if his connection had been interrupted. It was unlike Soobin to be so quiet. His bestfriend usually had too much to say about Kai's life, not too little. The time Kai had acquiesced to going to his boyfriend's junior prom had result in a ten-minute lecture on the difference between being a good boyfriend and being a doormat. It was possible that Kai had even been looking forward to this conversation, and the support of his bestfriend. It was no secret that Soobin thought the world of Kai.
On screen, Soobin slumped down, resting his head in his hands. He was so still the picture almost seemed to clear.
"Soobin-hyung?" Kai asked tentatively. He suddenly worried that it was too much, and that Soobin had had enough of Kai's boy problems and petty high school dramas. He bit his lip. "Sorry," Kai said. "I was just venting. I didn't mean to be a problem."
Soobin looked back up at him. "Don't be an idiot," he said. "You're never a problem. It just boggles my mind that he would do this to you. Hyuka, this stopped being funny when you called me after that dance."
Kai shrugged and fiddled with the hem of his polo. "It was important to him. And he made some good points."
Soobin said, "Yes, he made some great points. I remember that argument. I remember how he told you what to think and how to feel. Good times, good times."
Now that Soobin was talking, Kai relaxed. If Soobin was talking through his emotions, it meant he was not doing something impulsive, like throwing his coffee at the screen.
"The dance is over," Kai said. "We've talked it to death. I need your help on the the issue."
Soobin said, "Kai, just—don't go, alright?"
"And how am I supposed to explain that to Taehyunie? He keeps going on about wanting a magic senior year, and I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy. How can I ruin that?" Kai looked beseechingly at the camera.
Soobin said, "Hyuka, how exactly will you being at different schools ruin his high school experience?"
The question startled Kai.
It was obvious, right? It was better to have the people you love close — Soobin himself was proof of that. The Skype chats the two had been forced into, after Soobin had moved to New York at the end of his senior year, were unsatisfying and lonely. It was not a big thing, switching schools for Taehyun. Not really. And if he stayed at Busan … well, it's not like anything would happen. Taehyun would be upset. He would stop taking Kai's phone calls and stop coming over, and eventually he would cave and pick up. Kai would apologize. Taehyun would cry, and ask him if he always planned on running from his past, and when was he going to give Taehyun the support he needed.
Just thinking about it made Kai shrink in on himself.
Soobin must have noticed, because he said, "Hyuka, baby, are you okay?"
Kai cleared his throat. "Yeah," he said. "I'm fine. I just hate to fight with Taehyunie. This isn't that big of a deal." He avoided looking at the screen, because then Soobin would realize he was lying.
Soobin said, "You can't leave Busan," like he had the power to bend reality to his words.
"Oh, really?" Kai took a shaky breath. "Are you going to stop me?" He smiled at the screen.
"Yes," Soobin said. "I've got a 100% fool-proof reason for you to stay. It beats boyfriends, guilt trips, and any thought you had about confronting your past. Again. Because you insist on torturing yourself."
His interest peaked, Kai asked, "That sounds like a remarkable reason."
"It is." Soobin paused dramatically, letting the suspense build. Not for the first time, Kai wished they were in the same room, because then he could tackle Soobin until he talked.
"Well?" Kai demanded.
Soobin sighed and gave in. "I'm coming back to Busan this year."
Kai stopped breathing.
"Seokjin-hyung is getting married, and he and Namjoon-ssi are going on a world tour for their honeymoon. They'll be gone all year, so I'm being shipped back to Busan. Dad's already made the arrangements."
Kai held up one finger to his computer, asking for a moment. He got up off his bed, walked out of his room, and closed the door. Then he jumped in the air and yelled out in pure exaltation.
Soobin was coming back to Busan!
Getting himself back under control, Kai went back into this room and dropped down in front of the laptop. He was grinning so hard his cheeks hurt. On screen, Soobin looked tolerant and amused.
'I'm really sorry, Soobin-hyung, I know how much you love New York,' was what Kai should have said. No matter how hard he tried, though, he could not bring himself to stop smiling enough to form the words.
"You're coming back?" he finally managed, once it became clear that Soobin was waiting for him to respond.
His friend nodded. "I'm being put on a plane as soon as the wedding is over. I'll be back by August 1st."
Kai grabbed up his pillow and hugged it in excitement. "Oh Soobin-hyung, this is going to be amazing. We can celebrate my birthday together like we used to! I've missed you so much." A thought occurred, and he voiced it before he thought better. "Wait, how long have you known?" The preparations for Sekojin and Namjoon's wedding had been going on for a year. Had they broken the news to Soobin so late?
Soobin shrugged. "A few weeks."
"Soobin-hyung!"
"What?" Soobin asked.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Soobin looked at him for a long moment. "You were going back and forth on whether or not to transfer. I wanted you to stay at Busan because you wanted to, not because I'd be there."
"But you just did that," Kai objected.
"Yeah," Soobin said. "Because I want you to be happy. Hyuka, would you really be happy if you transferred?"
Kai said, "I'd be happy Taehyun was happy."
"One day," Soobin said, "I'm going to convince you to be happy for your own sake."
I need you.
Please.
sent [07:22 pm]
Kai sent the texts without thinking, and then dropped his phone, unable to keep looking at it. He huddled on the floor of his dorm room and put his head on his knees. Hot tears were spilling down his cheeks, and he rubbed them away on his jeans. The more he cried, the more he thought, and the more he thought, the harder he cried.
The door opened, and Kai looked up to see his roommate, Beomgyu, looking shocked and uncomfortable in the doorway.
"Um," said Beomgyu. "Err."
"Move it," someone ordered. "Go get coffee or something. And don't come back." Soobin shoved into the room, then pushed Beomgyu into the hallway and slammed the door behind him.
Kai watched him through swollen eyes, wanting to reach out but absurdly shy. This was going to be another 'I told you so' conversation, another time that Soobin cursed Taehyun's name and told Kai he could do better.
For the first time, Kai might believe him.
"Hyuka," Soobin said. He was hesitant and unsure, now, a marked contrast to his earlier energy.
Kai sniffed. "We won the music competition," he said.
Soobin crouched down next to him, and put a tentative arm around Kai's shoulders. "I know. I'm surprised you aren't celebrating with the hyungs in the common room."
Kai scrubbed at his tear-stained cheeks. "I wanted to call Taehyunie. I wanted to tell him I'd won. I thought he'd be excited."
Soobin stroked his hair. "He wasn't? Asshole."
"N-no," Kai hiccupped. "He didn't pick up." He gestured to his phone.
Brows furrowing, Soobin picked up the object in question. Kai leaned into his side while his friend scrolled through the device. Soobin was heavy, warm, and safe against him.
"He's ignoring your calls," Soobin said. "Hyuka, baby, everyone gets busy, sometimes." He sounded as though saying the words, and offering an excuse for Taehyun's behavior, physically pained him. Soobin had not been there for the last month's drama. He had no idea that this was the latest in a long string of ignored texts and brush offs. Kai sobbed.
"He's s-stopped calling me. We're supposed to trade off, every other day, and he doesn't call anymore. He missed our last three movie nights. Wh-When we talk, he just talks about Seoul and he keeps hanging up before I can tell him goodbye." Pressed so close to Soobin, Kai could feel his friend tense up the more he listed off his problems with Taehyun, until Soobin finally swore, low and filthy. Kai started to cry again.
Soobin's other arm wrapped around Kai, tugging Kai up and into his lap. Kai buried his head in the crook of Soobin's neck and locked his legs and arms around his friend's form, desperately anchoring himself in the other boy.
"I think I'm losing him," he sobbed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you, but I don't have anyone else, and it hurts, oh God it hurts, I don't think he loves me anymore."
Soobin rubbed up and down his back. "He's a pretentious douche," he murmured, in what was probably meant to be soothing tones. "Hey, hey, don't cry. He doesn't deserve you crying. He's a dick. You don't need him. You're too good for him, anyway. I've got you."
When Kai finally pulled back, his head ached from crying, his eyes felt puffy bruised, and he was sure he looked like a particularly ugly dog. Soobin did not seem to notice or mind. The other boy stroked his thumb along Kai's cheekbone.
"We haven't really talked, lately," Soobin said. "I think this whole who-have-the-best-voice competition may have gotten out of hand. I'm calling a truce."
Kai laughed wetly, turning his cheek into the warmth of Soobin's hand. "I would’ve won," he objected.
Soobin said, "Nah. I bet I could overthrow you. The hyungs like me better, they'd help." His eyes were the color of molten chocolate, sweet and new and gentle.
Kai said, "No they wouldn't." He realized his arms were still wrapped around Soobin's neck, and dropped them down. That was not much better, now they rested against the other boy's thighs and hips. Kai worried their closeness would make Soobin uncomfortable. Before his friend had left for New York, the two had touched often — Soobin would throw an arm over Kai's shoulders, Kai would grip Soobin's shoulder or hand when talking — but ever since Soobin had come back, he had been stand-offish. He squirmed in Soobin's lap, trying to put some space between them, but Soobin would not let him go.
Kai tilted his head inquiringly. Soobin ignored his silent question and continued their conversation:
"Yeah, you're right. You've got them wrapped around your finger. It's both hilarious and highly annoying."
Kai wanted to smile or banter back, but he could not find the words or the energy. Instead, he said, "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm just … sorry I let this get out of control. Thank you for coming." He shifted again.
Soobin squeezed his waist. "I actually really enjoy talking about how awful your boyfriend is, so don't apologize."
Kai choked on a laugh. "You're terrible. This is why he hates you."
"If you think he hates me now, wait until he sees your Instagram tomorrow." Soobin used his grip on Kai's waist to haul the other boy upright as he stood, even as Kai flailed for leverage and grabbed tight to his shoulders. It left them tangled together and shaky once they finally made it to their feet.
Kai looked up at Soobin, hovering on the edge of another giggle, but he what he saw on his bestfriend's face lead him to lean up and into Soobin's embrace. He held on.
Warmth, care, safety. Soobin grunted in surprise but obligingly kept him close.
"What's going to be on my Instagram?" Kai asked into Soobin's neck.
"That club the hyungs frequently visit, a lot of hot guys, and you in those red jeans. Then we are going to celebrate in style."
"Is that — I mean, I don't know, I just —" Kai drew back, fumbling with his words, because he was not sure he wanted to celebrate.
He was losing Taehyun.
Soobin said, "Red jeans, and go wash your face. We are going to have a good time tonight. It's non-negotiable."
Kai bit his lip.
He did want to celebrate. They had won the competition, and he wanted to enjoy that feeling. Obviously Taehyun wouldn't care.
"Alright," he said. "Alright. Let's do this."
Three months later Mr. Kang left him standing on his front porch with a ticket and another entreaty. After his car left the drive Kai found himself stared down at his hands, at the white paper and thinking, "No."
He did not want to go.
He was not going to go. He had plans for tonight. He was not willing to give those plans up.
Mr. Kang had turned up on his doorstep twenty minutes before. It was the 23th of December, there was a dusting of snow on the ground, and Kai had been preparing for his own Christmas party.
"I won't take up too much of your time," Mr. Kang had said, and Kai had left his mother setting out the snacks alone while he found out that the man he respected so much had been diagnosed with cancer.
"I know it's a lot to ask, but I was hoping you'd come with me to break the news to Taehyun. I've never seen anyone coax a smile out of my son like you, and I think I might need you," Mr. Kang had said, after Kai understood what was happening.
Kai had said, "We broke up."
Mr. Kang had said, "I know," and pressed a plane ticket into Kai's hands. "I hope to see you at the airport, Kid."
The tickets were for that night. Kai looked at them, then at the house decorated for Christmas, where his mother was still putting out snacks and mini pastries for his friends. Yeonjun and Beomgyu had convinced his mother that having a holiday party with all the music club hyungs was a good idea. Kai had tried telling her that having so many boys in the house would be a mistake, that something would be broken, at it would probably be her entire china cabinet, but she had just smiled.
"Ningning, baby," Mother had said, "Those boys did a lot for you this year."
She had not said anything more, but she did not need to.
The breakup with Taehyun had been hard. Kai had hyperventilated the entire ride to the airport, and begged Soobin to take him home. Soobin had refused. Kai had gone to Seoul, turned up unannounced on his boyfriend's doorstep, sung to him in a crowded bar that was nothing at all like the ones the hyungs took him to, and broke up with him on an empty sidewalk in October.
"Why are you doing this?" Taehyun cried. "I love you, Hyuka! I don't understand!"
"I love you, too," Kai said. Tears streaked down his face and his voice was hoarse and scratchy with grief. "I love you, but I can't live like this. I can't be second best in your life, I'm sorry, I can't, I can't."
He had gone to a hotel that night, and found Soobin already there, three packs of banana milk and a collection of mindless action films in his bag.
Soobin and the hyungs had gotten him through those next few weeks, had stolen his phone and blocked Taehyun's number after a dozen voicemails, and had pretended not to see Kai's red eyes and shaking hands. Kai knew how much he owed them. He had not realized his mother knew, too.
Another car pulled into the drive. Kai heard it before he saw it, still looking resentfully at the ticket, and for a moment he worried that Mr. Kang had come back. Instead, he found himself looking at a silver Porsche, his best friend climbing out the driver's side with loose, elegant grace.
For a moment, Kai forgot about the ticket. He watched Soobin's long legs and how the cut of his friend's coat accentuated his broad shoulders. Soobin looked nice.
"Why do you look like someone killed your dog?" Soobin demanded, walking up to him.
The snow was falling into his friend's brown hair, crowning him in silver, and the cold frosted his breath the moment it left his pink lips. Soobin looked gorgeous.
"Hyuka!" Soobin said.
Kai blinked and came back to himself. "Sorry," he said. "Mr. Kang was just here."
Soobin's nose crinkled with scorn. "Your ex's father came over? Fuck, what is Kang on, did he really try to get his father to convince you to go back out with him?"
"What?" Kai was confused. "No, it wasn't anything like that. I haven't heard from Taehyun since October. Mr. Kang has cancer."
"Okay," Soobin said. He was quiet for a moment, and then said, "Why did he tell you?"
"I was close with Mr. Kang back when Taehyun and I were together. I'd be upset if he hadn't told me." Kai frowned up at his friend.
"Uh-huh," Soobin said. "So why didn't he call you."
Kai glanced down at the ticket. Soobin, following his gaze, snatched it up out of his hands before Kai realized what was going on.
"Hey!" Kai protested.
"This is a flight. This is a couple of flights, all the way to Seoul, for tonight." Soobin looked at Kai, his dark eyes suddenly cold and flinty. Kai would have flinched, but he knew, down to his bones, the look was for Mr. Kang, not Kai.
Before Soobin could say anything further, Kai grabbed his arm. "Hey, wait, Soobin-hyung. I'm not going."
Soobin's arm was tense under his fingers. Unconsciously, Kai tightened his grip and stepped closer. He licked his lips and focused on Soobin's eyes.
"He wanted me to go with him to break the news to Taehyun. He thought I could help. Taehyun's mom died of breast cancer, and he's worried about how he'll take it. I already said no." Kai explained quickly, watching Soobin's face flicker through emotions: anger, exasperation, annoyance, and pride.
"Really," Soobin said, finally relaxing. "You said no."
Kai relaxed, as well. He smiled up at his bestfriend. "I said no," he agreed.
Soobin glanced away for a moment, and then looked back at Kai, as though steeling himself. "Why?" he asked.
"Excuse me?"
"Why didn't you go? That sort of thing is right up your alley. Going in and comforting Taehyun. Your white-knight tendencies must be going berserk. " Contrary sharply to his earlier agitation, Soobin sounded playful and teasing.
Kai stared at him. "Do you really want to do this here, hyung? In the cold? When it's snowing? Seriously?"
With every word Kai spoke, Soobin had smiled a little broader, until he was finally grinning. He put his hands on Kai's waist and squeezed. "I do," he said, suddenly cheerful.
Kai pouted. "I have a plan," he objected. "There's mistletoe and everything."
Soobin said, grinning. "Plans are overrated. Come on, tell me."
"Fine," Kai sighed. He looked Soobin in the eyes, nerves fluttering in his stomach, and was put out by the gleam of triumph in his bestfriend's eyes. Jerk. He said, "I realized that living my life for other people was never going to make me happy and that I wanted to spend Christmas with my family, so I should." Kai spun out of Soobin grip and started for the door, pleased that he managed to avoid a lie and kept his plans for Soobin on track.
"Hey!" Soobin cried, and grabbed him back up in his arms, turning so they were facing each other. "That's it? What's the whole reason?"
Kai smiled brightly. "I know! It's only taken four years, but I think I finally understand what you've always been tell-mmph."
Soobin interrupted him with a kiss. At first, it was just warm pressure and his bestfriend's hands running up and down his back, because Kai was laughing too hard to respond. Then, he managed to put his arms around Soobin and kissed back.
When they finally pulled away, both boys were breathless.
"And people say you're the nice one," Soobin said, sighing breathlessly.
"I am the nice one," Kai said in confirmation.
"Liar," Soobin said, and kissed him again.