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“This is pretty cheesy, you know? I somehow lost count of all the times I came here already to whine to you. But I do remember that next month is our one year anniversary. Did you keep track? No? Hm, didn't expect you to. You're good at listening to my bullshit and insecurities, I have to give you credit for that. Not many people can endure my rambling that long. Pepper is one of those.” He sighed. “I shouldn't have missed today's meeting, I feel like shit for putting her through that. She reminded me like seven times yesterday. And I promised her to come in time. But you were looking at me like that, and then you told me that horrible and funny story about Clint and his bow on your last mission and I just couldn't get myself to leave right then and there to go to that boring meeting, just like that. I'm not blaming you for that, don't worry. It's not your fault that I'm a hopeless, lovesick idiot.”
A cool breeze made him shiver. It was nearing November and the nights were getting colder and colder. But he didn't want to miss this. Their almost weekly meetings, here at Central Park in the darkest corner, between large trees, apart from the broad paths. He pulled his scarf a bit more around his neck. Somewhere in the distance he heard a few drunken party-goers.
“Do you remember? Our relationship started exactly like that. Me being plastered, throwing up at your feet. I'm grateful for that though. And I'm somehow grateful you're not the real deal. Because the real deal would only look disappointed at me, with those wonderful, beautiful and unnerving blue eyes and make me feel like shit. Because I'm such a coward. Well, I do feel like shit, because I know that I'm a coward. But he won't look at me, at least not like I'd wish he'd look at me. That's why I'm sitting next to you, after all. Talking to you instead of the real deal, it's so much easier. What would I give to talk to the real deal as open as I'm talking to you. Probably everything I could offer. Gosh, I'm so pathetic. Sometimes I wonder if I even managed to make you roll your eyes when I'm coming again to whine and pout. That is if you could roll your eyes. Or even notice that I'm here.”
Tony looked up into those gray eyes, that were fixated on a horizon that only he could see. A horizon invisible to everyone else. Small raindrops started to fall and Tony put the hood of his tracksuit top up. The orange lights of the streets lamps threw beautiful shadows over the delicate face of stone. Slowly he got up from the bench were he had been sitting for the last hour and stood in front of the life-sized statue of Steve Rogers in full Captain America gear. He raised his hand and traced the facial features. A melancholic look crossed his face.
“If only I could tell Steve what I'm telling you. I'll be back. Wait for me. Please” He whispered and turned around. The rain got heavier and muffled his steps as he went back to the tower.
-
Three days had passed since the last time he had been here. The trees rustled in the wind, there weren't a lot of people outside, but that suited him just right. He wanted to be alone with his unrequited feelings. Today had been even worse than any other day. He had had a fight with Steve. It was a silly fight, he didn't even remember what exactly started it. But he had left the room before he said something he might regret later, leaving Steve standing there amidst the team with a dumbstruck expression at his sudden and quiet retreat. Tony had fled the tower wearing tinted sunglasses, a dark hoodie and a cap. It was not much of a disguise, he knew that much, but he wasn't hiding from Hydra, so he didn't care much. He took the longest route that would bring him to Central Park, walking way longer than what would have been normal. It was still earlier than usually, he noted absentminded, while he walked down the small path to "his" bench. It was also a first to see the statue in the golden light of sunset instead of in the darkness of the night, and the sight was indeed breathtaking. He slumped down on the bench, leaned back and watched the shadows that grew on the stony face for a while.
"I wish I could hate you, you know? That would make things so much easier. But I can't hate you, because you're you and I'm me and I'm a fucking idiot who can't get over you, because you are you. Damn, this doesn't even make sense in my own head." He started, put the cap down and ran a hand through his hair. Frustrated he threw the cap to the side, crossed his arms and continued to stare the statue down. "I'm so sick of fighting with you all the time. I love our little friendly quips and the bantering. It's fun. I like it. But I don't like it when you look at me with that disappointed air to your every word. You should laugh with me. I want to laugh with you, you are beautiful when you laugh and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, like a stupid teenager. But I'm just the idiot, who can't make you laugh, who only makes you worry. Maybe I'm not supposed to or not worthy to make you laugh, as Thor would probably put it." He snorted at the thought.
"Sometimes I do wonder what I did to even be worthy enough that you spend time with me. Maybe I really should put an end to these feelings. It would spare me a lot of pain, every time I see you with that Sharon-Agent. Or every time when you try to drink yourself comatose with Thor, even though that is probably impossible. Every time you spar with Natasha and every time you tell me about your missions with Clint. Bruce thinks I'm an idiot too, you know? I think he might be the only one who knows that I'm crushing on you. He figured it out pretty fast. Confronted me. That was probably the most embarrassing feelings-talk I had ever since Pep and I broke up." He stopped and rubbed with both hands over his eyes. He stood up and walked towards the statue, that had somehow ended up being his therapist over the last months. The sunlight had just vanished. He touched the gray stone that formed Cap's chest.
"Is there a possible universe out there, where I'm allowed to love you? Where I'm not afraid of what you might say, every time when I make a mistake? Where you come home from a mission and wrap me up in your arms, because you missed me? Where I can cry in peace with you beside me, when the nightmares come back?"
He stood on his tiptoes and leaned in. His lips were mere inches from kissing the cold stone, when he stopped. Looking up through his dark lashes, the spell of the approaching darkness broke and he slumped back onto his feet and leaned his forehead against the statue.
"How could you love me, when you know where I've been?" He whispered.
"How could I not love you, when I know where you've been?" Another voice answered.
Tony whipped around, eyes wide, shock written all over his face. There in the shadows was Steve. Slowly he walked towards Tony. The shorter man didn't dare to move a muscle. Like a deer caught in the headlights, he stared at the soldier. Steve was wearing plain jeans and a dark sweater, that really accentuated his shoulders. Tony was still staring at him, caught in his own thoughts that were running wild.
Steve was here. How much did he hear? What was he thinking? Why was he even here? What was Tony supposed to do? Run away? Hide? Change his name and leave the country?
Two strong hands that gently cupped his face brought him back to reality. He hadn't noticed that Steve was now standing right in front of him, looking down at him with the softest expression on his face that Tony had ever seen. With his thumbs he rubbed soothingly over his cheekbones.
"I was worried where you were running off to. I'm always so worried about you, because I can't bear the thought of losing you. I am sorry if I made you feel bad with that. I want to make you laugh as well, I want you to laugh together with me. I was just worried all the time, when you'll finally get sick of me. The man out of time. I can't even use a computer without blowing up the tower." He sighed. "I followed you because I wanted to apologize for the stupid fight we had. And now I get to hear this."
Tony tensed up at that. Steve must have felt it, because he stepped closer.
"Oh Tony, how could I not love you, when I know where you've been?" He repeated his former question. "This is the universe where you're allowed to love me, because I love you too. Where you won't need to be afraid of what I'd say if you ever made a mistake, because I'll be so glad that you're still okay. Where I'll come home from a mission and wrap you up in my arms, because I miss you all the time. Where you can cry in peace, with me beside you, because I'll chase away the nightmares."
"Steve." Tony whispered. He heard his blood rushing through his veins, felt his heartbeat hard against his ribs. And Steve's blue eyes shone so bright. "Why?"
"Because you know where I've been." He whispered back. His voice a low rumble in his throat. "And I know where you've been. I know you Tony Stark. I know your past, I know your present and I want to stay beside you, to get to know your future. And if you'd take me? Maybe then it will be our future." He shrugged, his face betraying his brave speech. Insecurity was visible, as if he feared to lose his only chance.
"Can I kiss you, Steve Rogers?" The hope in his eyes must have been obvious, because Steve was chuckling. That wonderful sound did funny things to Tony's fluttering nerves.
"Do you really need to ask that, after my sappy confession?" He leaned in and Tony felt his warm breathing ghosting over his lips.
"Just making sure that you're prepared."
"I am. And now kiss me, Tony Stark."
And Tony's hands shot up from his sides, clutching at Steve's shirt and dragged him down until he finally kissed Steve, the real deal. And in his thoughts he thanked the statue behind him.