Chapter Text
Coffee. Tony needed coffee.
He got out of bed and stumbled, half-asleep, to the coffee maker in his kitchen. He loaded the grounds, added the water, hit the start button. And then remembered seeing something in his living room that shouldn’t have been there.
Slowly he walked back out of the kitchen, into the living room. Loki, god of mischief and enemy of the Avengers, was sitting on Tony’s sofa, looking far too relaxed and unfairly attractive. “Hello, Stark.”
“JARVIS. Suit. Now.”
No response. Tony growled. He wasn’t awake enough to deal with this.
“I have muted your servant, Stark. He is undamaged. I wished to speak with you about a matter of some importance.”
“Are you here to kill me?”
Loki looked surprised. “No, I am not.”
“Then you can wait for me to have coffee first.” Tony stalked back into his kitchen. The pot was half-full, so he paused the brewing cycle and poured himself a very large mug.
Tony went back to the living room, sat down -- not caring that he wore nothing but boxers -- and took a gulp of coffee. He was feeling snappish, and still tired. “What do you want?”
“I need you to marry me.”
Tony choked on his coffee. “What?”
Loki sighed. “My father has decided I would cause less chaos if I took a spouse. He has chosen a woman for me, a princess of Vanaheim, and I have no wish to marry her. If I am already married, he cannot touch me.”
Personally, Tony thought that having Loki married off on another realm would be a good thing. “And you picked me, why?”
Loki rolled his eyes. “Because you are the only person on Midgard intelligent enough that my parents would believe it.”
Well, that was flattering. But Tony was curious about something. “Your parents wouldn’t care that I’m a man?”
“Not really.” Loki shrugged. “The purpose of royal marriage is for offspring, and I am able to become female if I so choose. Not that we would be having children.” Loki narrowed his eyes. “This would be a marriage in name only.”
No tapping that. Damn. “Well, I hate to turn you down, but no thanks, Blitzen.”
“Stark.” Loki leaned forward, looking more serious than Tony had ever seen him. “This woman I am to wed… Her wit is so dim that it makes Thor's own intelligence appear as a shining light in comparison.”
Yeah, okay, Tony could see why Loki wouldn’t want to marry her. “Surely you can find someone else.”
“You are nearly a king, here on Midgard. You are a famous warrior, and one of Thor’s shield-brothers. There are few that would be as appropriate as you, on any realm.”
“And what do I get out of it?” Tony was curious about what Loki could offer.
“Access to all the technology of Asgard. And training in how it works.” Loki paused. “And immortality, should you wish it.”
Tony’s eyebrows rose. “You’re serious.”
“Deadly.”
“Are you going to kill me if I say no?”
Loki rolled his eyes again, and sat back. “No, Stark, I am not.”
Tony mulled it over. Immortality. Asgardian tech. Seemed totally worth it. But... “I have a condition.”
“Yes?”
“You have to join the Avengers.”
Loki froze. “I should have expected you to ask for something ridiculous.”
“Take it or leave it.”
The god sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “I will take it.”
“No tricks?”
Loki looked defeated. “None. I give you my oath as a god, and as a prince of Asgard. If you will marry me for a term of at least two years, I will help you defend your realm as an Avenger.”
“Two years?!” Tony wasn’t expecting that long. Six months, maybe. “How am I supposed to go two years without sex?”
Loki’s lips quirked. “You may pursue others, so long as they are Midgardian and you are discreet.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying yes to this.”
Loki smiled. It was the first genuine smile of his Tony had ever seen, and it was beautiful. “Thank you, Stark. I will do my best to ensure you don’t regret this.”
“I’m regretting it already.”.
But Loki just beamed. “Pack your bags. We will be gone for about a week. You may bring your armor.”
“Wait, where are we going?”
“Why, to get married, of course.”
Tony had a bad feeling about this.