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My first impression of Oliver Queen was that he is a jerk.
24 hours later, standing next to an impressive display of arrows, I knew for sure that he was a jerk.
A jerk with a surprisingly big heart that he hides behind snark and high walls.
Now, years later, I know that Oliver can be a walking contradiction.
In public, he wears a seemingly wide and honest smile. He certainly knows how to charm people. A true politician in a way.
But none of these people get to see the real Oliver.
When people get to see the real Oliver, they typically don’t like him much. At least at first.
When he is himself, when he is able to show both his Arrow and Oliver Queen personality to someone, he never leaves a good first impression. He comes across as stand-offish, cold and unfeeling.
I still remember the first time Kara met Oliver and she was sure Oliver didn’t like her and I had to explain that he is that way with everybody. I promised her, he’d warm up to her.
And he certainly did. Admittingly, it took a few years, but Oliver openly admitting to liking both Kara and I. That’s huge for him.
With Oliver, it takes time and patience to learn to read between the lines. Over the years, I like to think that I learnt to do that and that I know him pretty well.
But yet I never understood why he is the way he is. Why can he never pause to enjoy a moment, joke with friends and just live a little?
Now I understand better. How damaged he truly is.
Spending some time in his body, a few points have become startlingly clear.
First, he lied to me when he told me "Barry, I don't get cold." It was a lie by omission. He neglected to mention that he never gets cold, because he always feels cold in the first place. A chill deep in the bones, that never quite leaves, no matter how many socks are put on.
Second, no sugary foods. I tried eating my usual fare. After the first attempt, I knew I couldn’t repeat that. I remember how I used to tease Oliver about his too healthy food choices. Mocking him that he never lets go and just enjoys junk food. Asking him if he thinks it'll ruin his body after just one indulgence. Now I know better. Oliver truly doesn’t enjoy them, physically can't.
Third, scars ache. All the time. They twinge and distract when you are trying to concentrate. They stretch uncomfortably as you exercise. And the ache of every scar feels so different.
The knife wounds stretch and pull uncomfortably when I twist and turn my body.
The burn mark on my lower back cause a constant tension, a tension I'm familiar with after spending too much time at a desk, but this tension can't be rid of after a relaxing bath, it is always there, never stopping.
The marks on my hip, I've seen them on Oliver before, but never dared to ask. This time, in the privacy of my shower, I could analyze them. They are teeth marks of a shark, no doubt about it now.
During my short time in Oliver's body, I had several nightmares, and the majority of them involve water.
The gambit sinking, drifting on a raft, so so thirsty while surrounded by miles of sea water.
I dreamt of what I'm pretty sure is the aftermath of the shark bite, trying to reach land without passing out.
And the last one. The one that made me realize that Oliver's worst scars aren't visible. I can't be one hundred percent sure. But as a CSI and crime fighter, I've unfortunately read my share of reports on waterboarding.
For me it was only a few short days. But with the physical reminders, the nightly nightmares, the memories, how can Oliver still function?
And even independent of the internal experience, it was also enlightening how the rest of the world reacts to Oliver Queen. As Barry Allen I was never known to draw other’s attention when I enter a room. The reaction Oliver Queen receives entering a room is certainly different.
Everyone you meet already has an opinion of you and no one hides it. Women, even after being married, shamelessly flirt with him. Others look down on him or up at him for his former playboy ways. Some still outright ask about the island. And everyone is still convinced that Oliver has billions at his disposal. I don’t know whether that is true or not. But it was certainly an interesting experience to be treated as someone with such wealth, nearly everyone bends over backwards to accommodate you. Everyone wants something and nearly no one even attempts to hide that.
Those are the major points. There are a myriad of other tiny puzzle pieces that clicked into place for me were Oliver is concerned.
I’m glad I’m in my own body again, and not just because I missed my speed.
Still, I feel privileged that, even though it was by a freak accident, I got to experience first-hand what it means to be Oliver Queen.
I know I can never vocalize the details of what I understood. But I know that he knows the gist of it. That he had the same startling realizations as he spend time as Barry Allen. I know it in the look of his eyes as we share a drink. I know because our friendship came out on the other end stronger than ever.