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Why, just why had he agreed to the offer?
Because he liked Crowley, loved him even, simple as that. Even though he had known what the offer might imply.
***
He wouldn't admit it openly, but despite showing himself as an expert and admirer of antiquities, Aziraphale had read more than enough other books on various topics in his many years on earth. There was more than enough time for that, after all.
A fair amount had been love stories, simply because he was, at his very core, a being of love, and he enjoyed reading stories with a happy end every once in a while. (Of course he had enjoyed Romeo and Juliet, to mention a classic, but sometimes what you needed was something ridiculously sappy and kitschy and cheerful, simple as that)
What the stories had taught him though, on the long run, were the very basic rules of human courtship, which included an awful lot of innuendo he tended to not quite understand (why wouldn't they just say what they wanted?) and what an offer to stay at someone else's place usually implied. Some rather unfortunate first hand experiences had only further aided this impression.
And to Aziraphale it seemed logical that Crowley, being a demon, would follow those rules as well – also because lust was simply a part of a demon's being, wasn't it? So, counting one and one together, since love seemed to be tied with lust in so many aspects, maybe there was some love hidden in the invitation as well?
It was his hope and it seemed reasonable enough – and nevertheless it made Aziraphale nervous.
What he had not anticipated however, was how the invitation to stay at Crowley's place after the Nearly End Of The World actually played out.
***
They had gotten on the bus to Oxford (that would wondrously end up in London instead) together, slouched down on a free seat, fingers lightly entangled and eventually somewhat leaning on each other. The Apocalypse had been avoided, and even though Aziraphale had a feeling that everything wasn't quite over yet, there was this silent understanding between him and Crowley that they should stick together. Maybe even especially because of the lingering fear that there was more to come. It felt natural enough to give each other a small bit of comfort, considering that possibility.
It had been a long day, exhausting even, and Aziraphale had watched the dark surroundings with random spots of light pass by, while Crowley had fallen into a light slumber at some point. It had been calming, and Aziraphale's mind had wandered through various topics until it had come to a rather startling delayed conclusion just before they arrived at their destination – at which point it was too late to back out, he knew. It would've only hurt Crowley had he decided to leave now, without proper explanation, after they'd already arrived at his flat – and of all the things in the world he did not want, hurting Crowley was on the very first place. He had been through more than enough and Aziraphale was afraid that pushing him away now, of all times, would end up Very Badly. He couldn't risk it. No matter the cost.
Aziraphale followed Crowley, trying to hide his anxiety as best he could, taking in the design of the flat to distract himself: surprisingly bright, spacious, weirdly empty except for the luxuriously green plants and a sketch of the Mona Lisa on a wall, a statue in white marble. The statue made him double take, staring at it for some moments before quickly following Crowley to the kitchen. Its apparent topic was something he didn't want to think about just right now, even though his brain had very sufficiently convinced him that the possibility of exactly what the marble depicted was pretty much what would happen next. (Maybe in a position more comfortable than that of the angel and the demon in the statue, but something along those lines, he was mostly sure)
“Wine?”, Crowley asked and Aziraphale nodded eagerly – anything to calm his nerves. And wine or any other alcoholic substances usually did a very good job at this. Just not today, as it turned out.
They had retreated to the living room, onto the sofa and drank in silence. Which would have been very nice indeed, had Aziraphale's heart not tried to jump out of his chest despite the alcohol. Crowley seemed to notice it, too.
“Angel, are you alright?”, he wondered and reached out for Aziraphale, gently placing a hand on his arm to get his attention.
“I'm fine! Absolutely tickety-boo”, Aziraphale replied way too fast, attempting a smile and not quite managing. It came out crooked and panicked.
“... You don't look fine, you look scared”, Crowley responded, genuine worry lacing his voice. Aziraphale hardly noticed the unusual undertone, his mind already caught up in too many thoughts at once.
“I- I'm just-”, he stammered and extracted himself from the demon's touch. He fumbled nervously with the empty wine glass in his hands before deciding to better put it on the table before he dropped it out of sheer nervousness. And took a plunge into ice water.
“... I don't think I'm ready” He had to say it. He had to admit to it before push came to shove and Crowley ended up even more disappointed than he probably would be this way.
There was a moment of silence before Crowley replied. “Ready for what exactly?”
“For, uh … I- I mean-”, Aziraphale continued stuttering, “That you'd … you know, that you'd want to have sex?”
Crowley slowly took off his glasses and blinked at him a few times, obviously bewildered at that answer. “What?”
“I mean, you- you invited me over and all that, and-”
“Wowowow, wait”, Crowley held up a finger to make him stop his anxious ramblings, “You think I invited you to stay with me because I want to have sex with you?”
Aziraphale nodded shyly. “You … don't?”
“No. I mean yes. I mean – ugghhh”, Crowley put away his own glass and ran a hand over his face before he continued in a serious and genuinely confused tone, “Whatever gave you that idea in the first place?”
“I- It's human custom from what I know – love and sex and all, and you're a demon, so-so aren't you supposedtolikesexandIthoughtthatwasnormal?”, he replied in a rush, feeling his cheeks burn more and more with every uttered word – the sentence had become so quickly spoken that by the end of it, even Crowley had some trouble to understand it all.
Of course Aziraphale would think it was normal. It was what he had experienced in those 6000 years on earth – because he simply hadn't been able to stop himself from growing rather fond of a handful of humans through all those years. He knew it was foolish, but at the same time it had given him the comfort of being close to someone, being able to hold them and not be alone. (Some part deep inside of him had always known that this had been a reaction to being away from Crowley, from restraining himself from even just giving the demon a small hug when he looked like he really needed one. That realization had only started to fully surface recently)
Those lovely humans, however, had provided that much needed contact, but they had also turned out to want more than just hugs and kisses. And while Aziraphale appreciated the general idea of sex, as long as conducted in a loving and trusting relationship, actually physically doing it was out of question for him. He had told his human partners that much, upon which most of them had nodded with an air of 'oh, next time then', but when he refused time and time again, they had left, disappointed and hurt and more often than not not even wanting to be friends with him anymore. Some had even accused him of not having loved them to even begin with.
Aziraphale didn't understand why they had turned away that harshly, and he really didn't want that to happen with Crowley as well. He meant the world to him, and he couldn't bear losing him, his best friend, this lovely old serpent, the one who had been around since the very beginning.
Crowley was looking at the angel for some moments, then giggled and suddenly laughed.
“You though that- Oh someone give me strength”, he mumbled, his face in his hands for a few moments in order to calm down. He was still giggling silently.
Aziraphale stared at him in confusion and fear. He had said something wrong, he was almost sure. Had he said something wrong?
“Angel, oh my sweet, sweet angel”, Crowley continued and looked up, now a smile so soft on his face that it made Aziraphale's heart beat faster again. Not with fear this time, but with that ridiculously warm fondness that had a tendency to appear whenever he saw Crowley smile. “Just because it's in the job description doesn't mean I do it all the time”
Now it was Aziraphale's turn to attempt and process what was being said.
“So, you … I mean- You surely tried, didn't you?”, he eventually asked wretchedly. Aziraphale had been so sure of what he thought was The Norm not only among humans, but most likely demons too, he had trouble to grasp what Crowley was saying. Demons were supposed to tempt humans into all sorts of things, weren't they? So certainly Crowley had done that as well.
Crowley shrugged a bit. “Tried, yeah, but. It's not my thing, really. If given the choice of doing one thing or the other for the rest of my life, I'd always chose having a nice bottle of wine with you over having sex”
“... Oh”, was Aziraphale's very eloquent answer. He frowned, his mind slowly catching up to what was going on. His assumptions had obviously been wrong – so wrong even, that what Crowley's actual intention was, was apparently pretty much the opposite of what he had feared. Aziraphale slumped a little on the sofa, hands fiddling nervously with the seam of his waistcoat. He slowly lifted his gaze back on Crowley. He felt stupid for jumping to conclusions like that, but his anxiety wouldn't quite go away yet. Sure, he knew in his heart that Crowley wouldn't lie about something like this, since he had in fact always been honest with him, but Aziraphale still didn't know what to make out of it. It could also very well mean that he only saw him as a good friend, and he wasn't entirely sure if he'd be fine with that, to continue as they had all those years – or if he wanted a partner, something even closer than a friendship.
Because that was why he had agreed to come along despite of what he had thought would happen. Out of the desperate hope that his love was reciprocated and that sex was simply the common way of showing it. And up until the moment he had chickened out, he had even thought he might be able to do it, if only to make Crowley happy and keep him by his side.
Meanwhile Crowley had obviously picked up on the angel's insecurity, because he crossed the space between them to pull him into a gentle hug. Aziraphale started at the unexpected touch and Crowley was about to pull away again, already mumbling 'Sorry' for overstepping boundaries, but the angel wrapped his arms around him just in time to stop him. He wouldn't let that chance slip away, even though he had acted so ridiculously embarrassing.
“No, I'm sorry, I … I just”, he said, struggling to find his words while clinging to Crowley, wanting nothing more than to keep him close, now that he finally had the opportunity, “I jumped to conclusions that were wrong, I suppose … I was afraid you wouldn't accept that-”, he stopped for a moment, taking in a small breath and shaking his head, “Wouldn't accept that I don't want sex. Like … like, not only not right now but … in general ...” Now that they were talking about it, he could as well just say everything. And he desperately hoped it wouldn't ruin their relationship.
There was a moment of silence, and then a snorted laugh from Crowley that startled Aziraphale and made him look up at the other.
“You're the most clever person I know, but sometimes you're rather stupid, have I ever told you that?”, he replied, still a hint of amusement playing in his voice. “Whoever told you that love and sex are equivalents and inseparable was a fucking moron. Love can very well exist without that ridiculous rubbing our bodies together, I should know what I'm talking about – Not to mention that I'd never make you do something you don't want”
He looked at Crowley for a few moments, his words slowly sinking in. “Wait, you … What?” He blinked at him, not entirely sure of what he had just heard. He had suspected something along the lines of 'you just need more time' or 'we'll try next time then' but not this outright, unconditional acceptance. His mind had been so stuck on that one singular way of interpreting things, he had some difficulties to rewire it in such a quick time.
“Someone really got the wrong ideas into your head, huh?”, Crowley replied and raised a hand to carefully push some hair out of Aziraphale's face. It was such a casual, soft, loving gesture that all Aziraphale could do was to stare at Crowley with big eyes. “I don't care if we have sex or just spend the rest of our lives cuddling on the sofa while drinking wine, not thinking about all that horizontal bullshit at all. Because just being with you is enough for me. Because that's what I want. Because I love you, you stupid, adorable angel”
A happy little noise escaped him, that even Aziraphale himself wasn't entirely sure of what exactly it was. He had not known how much he had needed to hear those words said out loud, to have the reassurance that Crowley wouldn't dump him just because he didn't want that kind of physical intimacy.
What Aziraphale did next was pure instinct, cupping Crowley's face with both hands and pressing a kiss onto his lips. That was actually something he had wanted to do for a while now and it made his heart do a little jump when Crowley returned the kiss. Secretly, Aziraphale was glad that this little bit of intimacy was something he found he liked. It did go so well with hugs, he thought. And he didn't need more than that to be entirely comfortable and happy.
“I love you, too”, Aziraphale whispered when they parted and got a light squeeze and a gentle little peck on the cheek in reply. They sat huddled up together in silence for a while after that, Crowley running a hand over Aziraphale's back and Aziraphale absentmindedly playing with Crowley's dark hair. He had always liked the color and was pleasantly surprised about how soft it was.
“You know, dear”, the angel eventually said, still running his fingers through what used to be properly styled hair and now looked rather messy, “Kisses are actually nice”
Crowley grinned again, that beautiful, cheerful grin that made his whole face light up and Aziraphale loved so much to see on him. “It's good that we agree on that, then – Allows me to make sure that from now on you get all the kisses you desire, my angel”