Work Text:
[23:48 PM]
"Hey hyung… I'm a little late today, sorry. I was caught up having dinner with Jisungie and Hyunjinnie—you know how those two are. Neither of them can cook to save their lives. I had to save them from burning down their apartment. We ended up getting take out, again.
It was nice to see them though. I've barely had the time to hang out with the boys because my dance class is insanely hectic. But I enjoy it, don’t worry. The instructor is amazing, and the other dancers are good too. I met another Australian by the way! Weird coincidence, right? His accent reminded me of yours and…
Ah, I guess I just miss your voice. It's been so long since I heard it.
His name is Felix by the way, and he has these adorable freckles all over his face. He reminds me of Jisungie a bit, both of them are too energetic for their own good. I feel like we could be good friends.
Look at me making friends. Are you proud, hyung?
I bet you are.
Ah, it's so late. It's almost midnight. I should probably go to sleep. You know I could go on all night, but I have an early morning tomorrow and I cannot survive my class on less than three hours of sleep.
Goodnight hyung, sweet dreams.
I love you."
[Call Disconnected]
[20:59 PM]
"Hey hyung…
It's been… a day I guess. I'm so tired. Not just tired, I'm exhausted. I think it's been—shit, four days since I've had a full night's sleep. I'm almost like you now [chuckles], although I have an actual reason for being sleep deprived.
I have a showcase coming up—not just me, but Hyunjinnie and Lix as well. We're performing together as a group, as well as doing solo pieces. I've been practicing nonstop, but it still doesn't feel right. At least not yet. I know you'd tell me not to worry, that it's probably perfect and I'm freaking out over nothing and everything will be fine, but…
I wish I could hear you say it, but I know…
Ignore me. We said not to talk about these things, I'm sorry.
God, I forgot to say it, but I miss you. I miss you so much. It's been… so long and I—
I'll stop, I'll stop—I promise.
I'm going to have some dinner now. Maybe I'll ask Woojin-hyung to come over and eat with me. He'll scold me for eating so late, but maybe I can guilt him into buying me desert?
I'll try.
Goodnight, hyung. I miss—sorry.
I love you."
[Call Disconnected]
[03:02 AM]
"H-Hey hyung!
Shit—almost dropped the phone [giggles].
I'm a little tipsy right now [hiccup] but don't blame me! Blame Binnie—you know what a bad influence he is! He said he was sick of me sulking around, so we went drinking. He says I'm a lightweight but I [hiccup] disagree.
Oh, Minnie was so mad at him. I don't think I've ever seen Minnie that mad before. It was crazy. Binnie's probably sleeping on the couch tonight [giggle].
….
Ah hyung, I know we said not to talk about it, but I miss you. I miss you so much, every day. I miss you so much it's painful…
I don't want to miss you. I don't want to feel like this anymore...
Why did you—[sniffle]. Fuck, hyung. Why did you leave? Why couldn't you have just stayed? Wasn't it enough? Wasn't I enough? You said—you said you loved me so why—?
Fuck—fuck.
[whispers] come home. Please come home. I'll do anything, I promise just please—
[sobs]
I'm sorry. I'll—I should go to bed. Goodnight hyung.
I love you."
[Call Disconnected]
[09:39 AM]
"Hey hyung.
I'm sorry about last night, I was just… yeah.
I know you—I know you had your reasons for going back home. I know it wasn't me but—but sometimes it just feels that way I guess.
I'm—God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to—[sigh].
Anyway, I miss you hyung. I always miss you. Sorry again.
I love you."
[Call Disconnected]
[21:57 PM]
"Hey Channie-hyung~ [giggles]
I'm in a good mood tonight. We had our showcase earlier. We got a standing ovation; can you believe that?
Of course, you did, Minho-yah. You're amazing—fuck, that was a terrible impersonation, but I know that's what you'd say. And you'd be right, I am amazing.
I have so much energy now, I probably won't sleep at all tonight. It's times like these that I miss you—you always knew how to tire me out [laughs] not like that!
Ah, I'm lying. I miss you all the time, but you already know that. [sighs] I do this every time, don't I? I'm sorry. We made a promise, but I keep breaking it.
I guess it's just too much sometimes. Missing you is just… tiring. I wish you were here, but I know—[stops]
Yeah. I think I'll sleep early tonight.
I love you hyung. So much."
[Call Disconnected]
[22:56]
"H-Hey hyung—[sniffles]
I'm so pathetic, fuck. I was cleaning out the closet today—I haven't repackaged it in months. And I—[hiccups] I found one of your hoodies. That really old one that you used to wear all the time even when I told you not to because it was really ugly. It's still really ugly but—
It's comfortable. [laughs] Yeah, I'm wearing it. I washed it, I even used that softener you like. And I sprayed some of your cologne on it too. So, it—so it could smell like you.
Yeah, I know. Ridiculous. But it… it feels like you're hugging me and—and I haven't hugged you in so long. Fuck, you remember how I'd complain about the way you'd latch on and never let go? I always said I hated it but… you knew I didn't. You knew I loved it more than anything.
I wish I hadn't complained. I wish I'd just told you that I wanted you to hold me tighter, that I wanted you to hold me forever… and now [shaky breath].
I miss you [laughs] I keep breaking our promise, but I can't lie about it. I can't pretend that it's not—that I'm not dying inside.
[sigh] Channie-hyung, why'd you have to do this to me huh?
[sniff] I should probably go to sleep, it's late. I'm sorry I always call you so late but—I guess it's just easier to say these things in the darkness.
Goodnight hyung.
I love you so much."
[Call Disconnected]
[19:22 PM]
"Hey hyung.
Seungminnie came over today. Guess what he brought? A photo album of us.
It—It took everything in me not to burst into tears right there. I feel like Seungmin would either have freaked out or cried as well. Maybe both.
I'm looking through it and… you know, you're so pretty hyung. You're always smiling. And you're always smiling at me. It's in every picture. Couldn't look away from me for even one second, huh? [laughs].
I like looking at you. I have so many pictures of you already but this… it's strange to see you through someone else's eyes.
But your smile looks different in my pictures. I can tell because—because you're looking at me. And I know, I've known since the very beginning, just how much you love me. It's hard to miss with the way you used to shout it from the top of your lungs [giggles].
[sighs] I should go to sleep, I have another early morning.
Goodnight hyung.
I love you more than I can even say. Oh, I'm so cheesy~[laughs]"
[Call Disconnected]
[02:52 AM]
[whispers] "H-Hyung— [chokes]
Hyung, I miss you so much. I miss you so, so much.
It hurts. It hurts so bad. C-Chan. [gasps]
Why'd you—why did you go? Why, hyung? Why?
I want you to come home. I want you to come back to me. I just want you here with me, that's all I've ever wanted. God, please, I'll do anything. Channie-hyung, come home.
Come back to me, please.
Please. Please. Please. Pl—[sobs]
I-I love you hyung. I've always loved you. I just—I want to hear you say it again. Just one more time. Just once more please—"
[Call Disconnected]
[04:41 AM]
"Sorry about that. I just got really emotional and I miss you so much and—
Just, sorry hyung. I'm going to try to sleep but…
I love you. I love you. Fuck, way more than I ever intended to, but I still do. Don't forget that I always will."
[Call Disconnected]
[00:02 AM]
[sobbing] "Fuck you hyung.
Fuck. You.
How could you—how could you do this? How—why—?
I-I found your notebooks. And your hard drive.
All those songs? All of them… for me? You wrote them about me? You—?
There's stuff here from before we were even together. Why did you never say anything?
[sob] y-you're not even here and you still tear me to pieces. This isn't fair.
IT ISN’T FUCKING FAIR, HYUNG! FUCK!
I can't—I can't do this. I can't—"
[Call Disconnected]
[06:17 AM]
"Sorry for shouting earlier.
I love you. I love you so much it's—it's suffocating.
I think I'll love you forever. There's no one else. There could never be anyone else. Not after you. I adore you more than should be possible, but I do.
I love you, hyung. I'll love you even after I die."
[Call Disconnected]
[7:24 PM]
"Hey hyung.
I'm calling earlier today because I'm going out with Innie tonight. That kid thinks he's a grownup now. He wants to go drinking, can you believe that? It must be because you're not around to stop him. It's better that he asked me to go with him instead of going and lying about it. This way he'll be safe.
He misses you too. We all miss you.
[sigh] Minho-yah, didn't we have a promise. Yeah, that's what you'd say with that adorable little whine of yours.
I've given up on promises, hyung. I can't lie to myself anymore—I can't lie to you and say this isn't killing me.
But I get through it. I suck it up and bear it because I know that's what you want.
Anyway, I'll take care of Innie tonight. We'll have fun—I won't drink anything! I don't think I'd be fun if I got drunk so…
I'll call you tomorrow hyung. Goodnight.
I love you."
[Call Disconnected]
[01:45 AM]
[softly] "Hey hyung.
It's really late—or well, really early. But I couldn't sleep. I don't think I've slept properly since you left and that was so long ago. I can't believe you left me with your insomniac tendencies of all things.
You know, sometimes when I'm still half asleep, I can almost see you, as if you're right there next to me. I can see your smile and those stupid dimples. I can hear your laugh. You would always laugh so loudly…
I miss your laugh.
I'm so ridiculous. Sometimes I forget you're not here anymore. I keep expecting you to just… walk in. You'd come home late—because you always came home late—and you'd wrap your arms around me from behind and squeeze me so tightly I almost can't breathe. And you'd whisper into my ear… Minho-ya, I missed you.
And I'd laugh and push you away. I would tell you it's your own fault for staying at the studio for so long and ignoring me. But… you would know I missed you too. You always knew, even when I didn't say it.
You always let me get away with leaving things unsaid, but now… now I wished you had just let me say them. I wish you hadn't been so understanding.
Ah, it's too late for this. Channie-hyung, I miss you. I miss you every day. Every minute.
Goodnight hyung.
I love you."
[Call Disconnected]
[22:00 PM]
"Hey hyung.
I feel good today. Not extraordinary but… good. I don't think I've felt this way in a long time.
I visited that place we went on for our first date—you remember the one? It still looks the same. The food tastes the same too. Sitting there brought back so many good memories but it also got me thinking.
I've been staying in the same place for so long now hyung. I've been waiting here in this little apartment, shutting myself away, and ignoring the way life goes on around me.
It's like I'm just… waiting for you to come back. But you're not coming back, and I know that.
You loved this apartment. We loved this apartment, but we're not us anymore and—I think I need to find a way to accept that.
Goodnight hyung.
I love you. I'll always love you, even when you're not there."
[Call Disconnected]
[18:54 PM]
"Hey hyung!
I just finished moving in, though I still have to unpack. I'll do it tomorrow.
The boys just left, we had something to eat after they helped me move all the stuff in.
This apartment is much bigger than our old one, it'll take some getting used to being in this big space all alone.
The good news is… I brought the cats with me! I fetched them from my mom's house yesterday. They're so big now. I bet they miss you just as much as I do.
I think you'd love this place. There's a extra room, you could've fit your studio in there. I can imagine it. And even better, if you had a studio you'd be home more and—
I got carried away, sorry hyung.
Anyway. I really like it here. I'm happy about this decision.
And oh! It's the anniversary soon. I'm flying down in a few days. Do you think your parents will mind? I don't think so. They're really nice over the phone so… yeah. I can't wait to see you.
I have to—shit, no. Don't jump on that—! [something breaks in the distance]
[groan] I have to go, but I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye hyung.
I love you!"
[Call Disconnected]
[12:09 PM]
"Hey hyung, I'm—"
The number you have dialed is no longer in service.
"..."
[click]
[Call Disconnected]
Australia was exactly as hot as Chan had always told Minho it was when they'd talked about it in the past. He was already sweating beneath his—Chan's—hoodie by the time he stepped outside. He immediately missed the cool air conditioning of the car. Chan's mother was still sitting in the front seat, her hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were white. When she glanced at Minho in the rear-view mirror, her eyes were bloodshot and wet. She tried to give Minho a smile, but he knew it must have been painful for her. Minho smiled back warmly.
He turned away from her and sighed. The sun was beating down heavily, sweat already building on his brow. He had to admit that besides the heat, he quite liked the almost clear blue sky, and the green trees. It was… picturesque—ironically.
The plastic crinkled in his hand as he tightened his grip.
He hadn't been here in eight months.
Fuck, eight months.
How had he survived?
He took a deep, calming breath.
The first step forward was a struggle, as if his legs refused to move. As if moving forward made everything too real.
But though he had only been here twice before, the path was familiar and easy to navigate. Stones crunched under his feet as he walked. His free hand played with the sleeve of his overly large hoodie, fingers gripping the hem tightly.
The air was silent—there was no one here but him.
His heart faltered when he finally saw it, chest squeezing painfully. He stopped in his tracks, unable to move.
He closed his eyes for a second, imagining he was somewhere else—somewhere better. He imagined Chan was next to him, hand on the small of his back as it always was, chin resting on his shoulder.
What are you so afraid of, Minho-yah? The worst has already passed.
His eyes fluttered open and he was almost embarrassed by the tear that rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away quickly, sniffing. He shook his head.
He wouldn't want you to be sad. He hated seeing you cry.
He forced himself to take the last few steps forward until he stood in front of the tombstone. He clutched the flowers in a death grip, almost bending the stems. The flowers he held were peach-colored because this was Bang Chan and if there was anything that idiot loved, it was peaches.
Minho almost laughed imagining how excited Chan would have been to see them.
He gulped, moving forward to place the flowers delicately over the grave. He knelt down, not caring that his jeans were being stained by dirt.
He took another breath, almost choking on it but not quite.
His hands shook where they were pressed flat against his thighs. He balled his fingers into fists, nails digging into his palms. The pain grounded him, kept him in this moment.
In loving memory of Christopher "Chan" Bang, 1997—2018.
Blessings wait for you.
Minho smiled to himself as he read the quote. The anxiety drained out of him until he was left with only content. He reached forward, placing his hand on the cold stone.
In a hoarse voice, he said,
"Hey hyung."
- Hyunjin & Jisung.
“What time is Minho-hyung supposed to get here?” Hyunjin asked as he placed the groceries on the kitchen counter.
Jisung turned away from where he was fiddling with the dial on the oven, smiling as he watched Hyunjin unpack the items he’d bought. It was still early in the afternoon, the sun high in the sky, but winter still hung in the air. Hyunjin had layered himself in clothing, an oversized—even for him—hoodie and sweatpants. He had a beanie over his hair, but his ears stuck out cutely.
“Somewhere around six,” Jisung said. Unable to help himself, he walked over to Hyunjin, standing on the tips of his toes and fitting his chin over Hyunjin’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, pulling him closer until there wasn’t even a millimeter of space between them, and squeezed. “We have enough time.”
“You say that,” Hyunjin laughed, and Jisung felt it ripple through his own body, “but remember what happened the last time?”
Jisung winced, the sound of the smoke alarm still echoing through his mind. They’d had to buy a new pan after that, something Hyunjin still complained about when he was cooking because “this one isn’t as good as the old one” and “who’s fault is that?”
“We’ll do better this time,” Jisung said, pressing a kiss to Hyunjin’s cheek, letting it linger for longer than was necessary, but he didn’t care.
“Sure, we will,” Hyunjin drawled, and though Jisung couldn’t see it, he knew Hyunjin was rolling his eyes.
“Such little faith in us,” Jisung tutted.
He stepped away from Hyunjin but left his hands resting on Hyunjin’s hips. Hyunjin turned around until they were facing each other. Jisung both loved and hated the way Hyunjin’s gaze softened when his eyes fell on him because he knew what was going through Hyunjin’s pretty, little head. He cleared his throat before Hyunjin could say anything—and he would say something, but Jisung wasn’t ready to hear it yet—and looked towards the ingredients.
“We should probably get started, shouldn’t we?” Jisung said. He squeezed Hyunjin’s hips one last time, digging his fingers in just enough to make Hyunjin squirm. Jisung smiled at the reaction, eyes quickly tracing over Hyunjin’s giggling frame as if imprinting the memory onto his eyelids, before moving away completely.
“Yah! Wash your hands first,” Hyunjin said, grabbing him by the waist and steering him towards the sink.
Jisung rolled his eyes but complied anyway. As he opened the tap and waited for the water to warm, he realized that this had just been an excuse for Hyunjin to press up against him, arms caging him in, and lips pressed to the back of his head. Jisung leaned back, his head falling against Hyunjin’s shoulder, head tucked into his neck. He sighed, closing his eyes. Without prompting, Hyunjin gently took Jisung’s hands and placed them under the now warm water. Jisung just let Hyunjin wash both their hands, not bothering to open his eyes, even as his hands were dried off with a dishtowel.
He tilted his head up and to the side, pressing a soft kiss to Hyunjin’s jaw.
“Thanks,” Jisung said, even though he didn’t really know what he was thanking Hyunjin for, it just seemed necessary. Hyunjin seemed to understand though, as he pressed a kiss to the top of Jisung’s head and then another one at his temple, letting his soft lips linger before pulling away.
“Come on,” Hyunjin said, his hands entangling with Jisung’s and dragging him along. “Let’s make some food.”
As expected, whenever they cooked together, things did not go well.
Minho found them barely two hours later—because he had decided to come earlier, probably knowing the two of them shouldn’t be left to cook by themselves—both of them panicking, the kitchen in a state of complete disarray.
“Again?” Minho asked exasperatedly, as he quickly moved to help Jisung take the pot off the stove and switch off the oven. Hyunjin was trying to wave the smoke away before it could reach the sensor and drench them in water. He had sauce on his face and flour in his hair, how that had happened, Jisung wasn’t entirely sure.
“Sorry?” Jisung said, smiling cutely in a way that Minho couldn’t resist. Minho stared at him, then looked back at Hyunjin who was opening the window and airing out the room. He turned back to Jisung, who was still smiling sheepishly, before sighing.
“Let’s just order something,” Minho said. Jisung sighed in relief, his shoulders slumping.
“Now go clean up,” Minho said. He eyed Hyunjin, “both of you.”
He shooed them away in the direction of their bedroom. Jisung would have complained had he not been covered in a mixture of eggs, flour, and spices or had there not been sauce smeared all over Hyunjin’s face and seriously, how had that even happened?
Jisung let Hyunjin take the bathroom first as he changed out of his clothes because Hyunjin had gotten the worst of it. Jisung quickly changed into clean clothes, taking one of Hyunjin’s hoodies and shrugging it on, fitting the hood snuggly over his hair. When Hyunjin stepped out of the bathroom, face clean and flushed, he stopped momentarily and just stared at Jisung. Jisung was about to ask him if something was wrong when Hyunjin stepped forward. He cradled Jisung’s face in his hands, tracing his thumbs over Jisung’s cheeks before leaning down and kissing him.
Jisung didn’t even hesitate to kiss him back, pressing closer and wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin’s lips were so soft from the lip-balm he used. There was nothing in the world Jisung loved more than kissing Hyunjin. There was nothing heated about the kiss. It was soft and tender, a reassurance. Something to say I’m here.
Jisung sighed as he rested his forehead against Hyunjin’s. They stayed like that for a few moments, breathing in sync, Hyunjin’s nose nuzzling against his own. With a deep sigh, Hyunjin squeezed Jisung’s waist and gently pushed him away.
“Minho-hyung is waiting for us,” Hyunjin said. He pressed one last kiss on Jisung’s forehead, before taking one of Jisung’s hands and guiding him to back to the living room.
“The food’s here,” Minho said when they entered the living room. Jisung blinked in surprise at Minho, who was arranging the takeaway boxes on their coffee table.
“But hyung, the kitchen—” Jisung said. He glanced back to the absolute state of catastrophe their kitchen was in. Minho rolled his eyes.
“Clean it after I leave,” Minho said. He knelt down next to the table, opening one of the boxes and digging into the food. “I haven’t seen you two in so long.”
It was true. After—just after, Minho had started attending the dance studio Hyunjin went to as a way to fill his free time and relieve stress. Hyunjin had been ecstatic when Minho mentioned having an interest in the class—Minho hadn’t been seriously dancing since college—and had happily dragged Minho to the class himself on his first day.
Jisung and Hyunjin took a seat opposite Minho. Unlike they usually would, they didn’t sit pressed close together. It was… inconsiderate. Minho had told them countless times in the last few months that they didn’t need to do that, that they could act as they normally would, but Jisung and Hyunjin had a silent agreement on the issue. And Jisung would have taken Minho’s words seriously had he not caught the flash of pain in Minho’s eyes every time he watched the two of them kiss or touch. He knew it must have been excruciating to watch others have what you never could—or what you’d had and could never have again.
As they sat together and ate, making small talk and laughing lightly, Jisung had to continuously bite his tongue to keep questions from spilling out. How are you? Are you okay? Are you sleeping? Are you eating?
He’d been like that for the first month or two before Minho had snapped at him to stop. Jisung knew it must have been hard to have people constantly bring it up, to be reminded by everyone that something was wrong—that something was missing.
So, he kept his questions to himself and continued eating. He tried his best not to let his eyes travel or linger over Minho for too long, knowing he would eventually be noticed and called out. That would just lead to another argument and ruin the evening.
Minho told Jisung about how he’d met Felix—one of his and Hyunjin’s friends from dance class—and how he was sure the two of them would get along famously. Hyunjin laughed in agreement, cackling as he said, “I knew he reminded me of you!”
They ended the evening off pleasantly. Minho hugged Jisung at the door. He didn’t let Jisung cling to him for long though, but Jisung wasn’t offended or hurt. He knew that if he held on for long enough, Minho would eventually break down. So, he let Minho guide him away, placing a quick kiss on his cheek, before disappearing out the door with a small smile.
Jisung retreated back into the apartment, going in search of where Hyunjin had disappeared to. Jisung found him in the kitchen, having already started cleaning. Jisung quickly moved to help him, the both of them disposing of the now ruined ingredients and shoving the mixing equipment into the dishwasher. It was nearly an hour later when the kitchen was spotless, the dishes dried and packed away, both of them sweating a little from the exertion. They collapsed onto the couch together, Jisung draping himself across Hyunjin, almost sitting in his lap completely.
“Hey,” Jisung whispered when the were both dozing off. Hyunjin grunted below him, and when he looked up, Hyunjin was staring at him intently. Jisung smiled. “I’m glad we almost burnt down our kitchen again.”
“You’re glad? Hyunjin asked, half amused, half scandalized.
“Yeah,” Jisung said. He shifted until he was straddling Hyunjin’s legs, bringing up hands up to cup Hyunjin’s face. “I’m glad we almost burnt down our kitchen. I’m glad we have a kitchen—and an apartment. I’m glad we got over our stupid arguments. I’m glad we fell in love—”
“Sung-ah—” Hyunjin said softly, sitting up.
“I’m glad I have you,” Jisung said, and shit he was tearing up now. He swallowed around the lump lodged in his throat, taking a shaky breath. “And I’m so glad you’re still here with me. I don’t—I don’t know what I’d do if you ever…”
Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Jisung’s waist like a vice, pulling him close, until Jisung’s face was buried in his neck, and squeezing him so tightly he almost couldn’t breathe. Jisung hadn’t realized he was shaking, hadn’t realized that there were tears running down his cheeks, hadn’t realized just how scared he was.
He’d had so many frightening dreams in the last few months. After Chan had—had…
After that, Jisung couldn’t bear to be away from Hyunjin for too long. He would cling to him wherever he went, terrified that the mere act of leaving him alone for even a second, would cause him to disappear from Jisung’s life completely. He couldn’t sleep for weeks, the nightmares kept him awake all night. Nightmares of Hyunjin dying, of Hyunjin just disappearing. And he was alone, so alone in those dreams, and he always woke in tears, reaching for Hyunjin who was already tightly wrapped around him. Hyunjin knew—he had those dreams too—so he never complained about Jisung’s seemingly unnecessary need to attach himself to him at all times.
Jisung didn’t know how he would ever exist in a world without Hyunjin. He didn’t know how Minho did it, how he kept going when Chan was—was… gone.
“Sung-ah,” Hyunjin whispered again, leaning back a bit so that he could look at Jisung’s face. He pressed their foreheads together, and it was then that Jisung realized there were tears falling from Hyunjin’s eyes too. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m never leaving you, ever.”
“I know,” Jisung said, sniffing. “I know, it’s just sometimes I—I can’t stop thinking what if—”
“I know, baby. Me too,” Hyunjin said. He used the sleeves of his own hoodie to wipe Jisung’s face. He traced Jisung’s features lightly with his fingertips stopping when he cupped Jisung’s cheeks. He looked at Jisung reverently, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
“I will do everything I can to make sure I stay with you for the rest of my life, okay?” Hyunjin said. Jisung nodded because he did know. He knew Hyunjin loved him, they told each other more than enough every day. “It’s me and you forever, remember?”
“Forever,” Jisung said. Hyunjin looked at him for a little longer with an expression Jisung knew was mirrored on his own face. Hyunjin drew him forward again until Jisung’s head was tucked under his chin. Jisung clutched onto the front of Hyunjin’s hoodie, no longer crying but still shaking. Hyunjin rubbed calming circles into his back, humming into his hair in the way he knew calmed Jisung.
When Jisung had finally calmed down, Hyunjin carried him to bed. They undressed and got under the covers together, Hyunjin wrapping him up in a tight hold, just the way he knew Jisung liked—and needed. In the darkness, he pressed his hands to Hyunjin’s skin, making sure he was there, that he was real.
“I love you, Sung-ah,” Hyunjin said sleepily, nuzzling his face into Jisung’s hair.
Despite his still lingering, deep-rooted fear, Jisung smiled. He closed his eyes, pressing impossibly closer to Hyunjin, and murmured into his chest, “I love you too.”
- Seungmin & Changbin
There was a painful crick in Changbin’s neck with a matching twinge in his lower back. He groaned as he came into full consciousness, his head pounding. He tried to shift positions but almost ended up falling to the floor because oh right, I slept on the couch last night. He turned until he was lying flat on his back, head resting on a mountain of tiny throw pillows that were doing nothing to alleviate the strain on his neck. He opened his eyes but quickly closed them again when he realized the curtains were still open because of course, they were. Never mind the fact that they never left the curtains open. Petty little shit.
Changbin forced himself to stand, walking blindly to the other side of the room, stumbling over his own feet as he tried to get to the curtains. Only when he had drawn them shut, did he fully open his eyes again. He sighed in relief as the lack of sunlight decreased the pounding in his head, even if it was minimally. He stumbled in the direction of their bedroom, hoping the door wasn’t locked. Thankfully, the door was wide open when Changbin got there.
He stopped in the doorway, another sigh on his lips.
Seungmin was lying on the left side of the bed. On Changbin’s side of the bed—he actually refused to call it Changbin’s side of the bed, even though he was the one who forced Changbin to shift over every night. His face was pressed into Changbin’s pillow and he was drowning in one of Changbin’s shirt and a pair of boxers.
Even when you say you don’t want me, you do.
Changbin didn’t dare go anywhere near him, knowing that would just get him thrown out of the room. Instead, he walked around the room as silently as he could, picking out some comfortable clothes from their closet and escaping to the en suite attached to their bedroom. He locked the door, letting out a breath of relief. He stripped and stepped into the shower, avoiding looking at himself in the mirror, because there was no doubt, he looked fucking terrible.
He kept the water lukewarm, knowing he couldn’t stand the cold, but also knowing that hot water would only make the pressure on his skull worse. He didn’t linger, washing off the sweat and alcohol before stepping out of the shower and drying himself off. He changed quickly, already too cold from the shower and the bathroom window that Seungmin had left open. Petty little shit.
As he brushed his teeth, he finally took the time to examine himself in the mirror. His eyes were hollow and sunken, dark circles and bags forming. His skin was paler than it should be, and even he had to admit he looked sick. Fuck, of course, Seungmin had been furious.
He froze when he stepped out of the bathroom, still toweling his hair. Seungmin was sitting up in bed, eyes narrowed as he looked at Changbin. They held eye contact, Seungmin’s gaze fierce and unyielding. In the end, it was Changbin that looked away, slipping out of the room with nothing more than a soft, good morning.
He headed for the kitchen, starting on the coffee. He moved as quietly as he could because while his headache had lessened, loud sounds still aggravated him. and that’s why, five minutes later, when he appeared still wearing Changbin’s shirt, Seungmin started making toast as loudly as possible. He all but slammed the plates on the counter, making Changbin wince in pain. Changbin didn’t say anything—what could he say, Seungmin had every right to be upset anyway—so focused on finishing the coffee, flinching every time Seungmin purposefully made a loud noise.
They sat at the counter silently, Changbin on one side and Seungmin on the other. Changbin ate the toast Seungmin had made, enjoying that taste of fresh bread and melted butter on his tongue. Across from him, he eyed Seungmin as he sipped his coffee, face blank. Changbin knew it was only a matter of time before the silence would be stretched too thin and Seungmin would snap.
He was proven right now even five minutes later after he’d finished his toast and dropped the plate in the sink. He sat back down, ready to take a sip of his coffee when Seungmin finally cracked.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Seungmin hissed, slamming his cup down on the counter. Changbin flinched, a small twinge erupting on the left side of his head. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and waiting until the pain disappeared before looking at Seungmin again.
“Wait no—you weren’t thinking,” Seungmin said. His hands were in front of him, resting on the table. Changbin could see the way he was digging his nails into his palms. He ached to grab Seungmin’s hands in his own, uncurl his fingers one-by-one until he was no longer hurting himself. But he knew he couldn’t do that, knew Seungmin would pull away and this wasn’t the time.
“I was,” Changbin said softly. He looked into Seungmin’s icy eyes. “I was thinking that Minho-hyung needed a distraction. I was thinking that he needed to get out of his apartment—you know, the one he used to share with his dead boyfriend? The apartment where he’s living with a fucking ghost. I was thinking that God, maybe having a few drinks would make him forget, even for a little while, just how fucked up his life is now. I was thinking that while everyone else was spending ever second reminding him of what he lost, maybe he needed someone to help him forget.”
Seungmin stared at him with wide eyes, and Changbin could tell he had surprised him. Changbin wasn’t angry, just frustrated. He knew Seungmin was worried, knew he had every right to be upset with him, but it still needed to be said.
“And you?” Seungmin asked eventually after the silence had gone on for too long. Changbin fought the urge to freeze as Seungmin’s eyes bored holes into his skin. He looked away from Seungmin, staring down at the black coffee he had yet to finish. “Hyung.”
“Minnie, please.”
Changbin didn’t have to be looking at him to know the way he would react. He knew he had not just made the situation worse, but he had just tripled Seungmin’s worry—which in turn, tripled his anger.
“Please what?” Seungmin asked, voice harsh. Changbin closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a soft breath. I have to talk about this now, don’t I? “You’ve been so——so… distant since Chan-hyung died. And I get it, I do. I know he was your best friend, but he was mine too. I miss him too.”
Changbin chuckled, lifting his head.
“Ah, Seungminnie,” Changbin sighed. “It’s not—It’s not about that. At least not entirely.”
Seungmin’s expression changed from frustration and anger to desperation. He leaned forward, taking Changbin’s hands in his own and squeezing.
“Hyung, talk to me. Please,” Seungmin said. His voice and his eyes—his beautiful, sparkling eyes—were pleading, and Changbin had never been able to deny him anything, he doesn’t think he ever could.
“I just—” he started but was cut off when his throat seized up. Seungmin’s grip on his hands tightened. “I miss Channie-hyung a lot. I miss him every day but… I keep thinking about…”
“About what, hyung?” Seungmin asked, frowning.
“I keep thinking about what would happen if I ever lost you,” Changbin said, his voice cracking. Seungmin’s fingers—no, his entire body—went rigid as he processed Changbin’s words.
“Hyung,” Seungmin said softly. “Why would you—?”
“Because I don’t know how Minho-hyung does it. I don’t know how he just goes on with his life. If it was you, I—fuck, I don’t think I would be able to do it.”
“Of course, you would,” Seungmin said, frowning.
Changbin shook his head violently, pulling away from Seungmin and rubbing his hands across his face. Fuck, if he kept talking, he’d cry. But he couldn’t stop. He knew he couldn’t stop. If he didn’t say this now, he never would. He took a deep, shaky breath before continuing.
“I really wouldn’t, Minnie,” Changbin said. He looked up, holding Seungmin’s gaze with tearful eyes. “If you ever—I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wouldn’t be able to live. There no me without you. Maybe it’s fucked up and dangerously co-dependent, but you’re—you’re my whole world, baby. I can’t live in a world without you, I don’t want to.”
“Hyung, what—” Seungmin said, his voice shaky and afraid. Changbin swallowed thickly.
“I know you’d be able to go on, but I couldn’t. And just the thought of you ever… it scares me. It scares me so much I never want to let you out of my sight. I’m so afraid that one day you just won’t come home. It—It hurts more than anything,” Changbin said. Shit, he tried not to blink, lifting his chin to keep the tears from falling.
There was a moment of silence before Seungmin spoke again, his voice dangerously low.
“What did you just say?” Seungmin asked. Changbin frowned, looking at Seungmin questioningly. He didn’t understand the dark look on Seungmin’s face.
“Minnie, what—?”
“Do you think that’s what this is? Do you think that somehow I love you less than you love me?” Seungmin asked. While his voice and expression were hard, Changbin knew him well enough to detect the signs of real hurt. His eyes widened, and he immediately reached forward to clasp Seungmin’s wrists.
“No,” Changbin whispered urgently. “No, never. You’re just…”
“I’m just what?” Seungmin growled. Changbin chuckled.
“You’re so much stronger than me,” Changbin said. He ran his thumbs across Seungmin’s pulse points, feeling the steady heartbeat. “Losing Chan-hyung was… almost bearable because I knew I had you. I knew I had something. But if it was you, if you were gone, I’d just—I’d have no reason for existing.”
“Fuck you,” Seungmin whispered, pulling away from him roughly.
For a second, Changbin tensed and feared he would really leave, but all he did was walk around the barrier separating them and clambered into Changbin’s lap. He wrapped his arms around Changbin’s neck, burying his face in Changbin’s hair. Changbin slowly untensed, wrapping his arms around Seungmin’s waist and hugging him securely. Seungmin shook in his hold, sobs racking through his frame.
“Oh, baby,” Changbin said, leaning his temple against Seungmin’s forehead. Seungmin cried harder. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. Hyung is sorry, I’m sorry.”
“You—You—” Seungmin stuttered, trying to get the words out as he cried. “You’re wrong. I’m not stronger than you. I’m not.”
“But you are, baby,” Changbin said. He turned to press a kiss to Seungmin’s forehead. “You’re so much stronger than me. And I’m proud of you.”
Seungmin shook his head, another—more painful—sob shaking his frame as he fully collapsed into Changbin’s hold. He dropped his head, burying his face in Changbin’s neck as he whimpered.
“I wouldn’t. You don’t even—” Seungmin gasped out a breath. “You don’t even know how much I’d rather die before that could ever happen. If we—If we don’t go together, then it has to be me first. It has to be. I don’t ever want to be without you. Please, hyung. Never make me do that, please.”
“Oh, this is a dilemma, now isn’t it?” Changbin said, only half-joking. He sniffed. “Because I wanted it to be me first.”
Seungmin’s body jerked at that. Changbin held him tighter.
“I guess we’ll just have to make sure we go together then?” Changbin said. He lifted on hand, coaxing Seungmin’s head up so that he could look into his eyes. Seungmin’s cheeks were wet with tears, his eyes bloodshot and puffy. Even then, he was still the most beautiful person Changbin had ever seen.
“I’m not leaving you,” Changbin said. Before he could continue, Seungmin cut him off.
“I’m not leaving you either,” Seungmin said. He sniffed as well. “Whatever I have to do, I’m staying with you until I die.”
Changbin smiled.
“Well, I’m staying with you even after that,” Changbin said, smile widening as his comment tore a watery laugh from Seungmin.
“It’s not a competition, hyung,” Seungmin said, wiping his face with the sleeves of Seungmin’s shirt. “And either way, we both know I’d win.”
“You would,” Changbin said, leaning forward to peck Seungmin’s still slightly damp cheek. “You’re stubborn that way.”
Seungmin looked at him then, biting at his bottom lip. He leaned his forehead against Changbin’s, closing his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin said quietly. “I didn’t mean to get so angry. I was just worried—for Minho-hyung and for you.”
“I know,” Changbin said. He reached up and ran a hand through Seungmin’s hair. “I should’ve just told you. I’m sorry too.”
“I love you a lot, you know,” Seungmin said, and Changbin could hear the smile in his voice even if he couldn’t see it. “I didn’t think I’d love you this much when I first met you but… You’re my whole world too, hyung.”
Changbin didn’t have the right words, or enough words, to properly articulate and describe the feeling that unfolded in his chest. So, he didn’t.
He pulled Seungmin forward, pressing their lips together urgently. Seungmin didn’t hesitate to move forward until their chests were pressed together, until Changbin could feel Seungmin’s heart beating against his own. He kissed Seungmin insistently, firmly, as if this was the last time he ever would, and he wanted to make sure Seungmin remembered it.
They slowed down eventually, softening and melting into each other until they were less kissing and more sharing the same breath.
“Let’s go back to bed,” Changbin said softly when he felt that twinge in his neck.
The exhaustion from the night before crept up on him, an even having slept on the couch did nothing to give him any relief. In all honesty, he only really slept when he was with Seungmin, when he was holding Seungmin snuggly in his arms. And Seungmin knew that as well, hence why he’d made Changbin sleep on the couch and why Changbin had found him curled over on his side of the bed. Because Seungmin couldn’t sleep without him either.
“Carry me,” Seungmin whined into his neck. Changbin rolled his eyes fondly but wrapped one hand around Seungmin’s waist and tucked the other under his legs without complaint, lifting him easily.
He placed Seungmin on the bed—on his own side—before crawling in next to him. Changbin drew him closer, their legs entangled, and arms wrapped around each other.
“Missed you,” Seungmin mumbled when he was mostly asleep.
Changbin, who had been watching him intently, smiled. He pressed a long, lingering kiss to Seungmin’s hair.
“I missed you too, baby.”