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The nights in this city were never silent. This was a fact pretty much every inhabitant had come to learn early on, and lately, it seemed to be even more true. With strange stories about aliens, robotic threats, and no one had any idea where the President himself lay on all of this, all the citizens were willing to take a step back and plan a little more diligently for their own futures.
Of course, none of them really knew what was going on behind the scenes. Until that fateful night, when everything came crashing down.
It was at around 9 pm, when the nightlife was at its fullest. Couples were on dates, children were clinging to their parents and yawning, and the petty criminals hadn't yet started their rounds with some of the more naive folk. There were no thoughts of anything other than themselves and their happiness.
And then, right in the middle of the main square, the giant electronic billboard lit up in an unexpected broadcast. Across the city, every screen, commercial or private, did the same as well, pausing games, videos, everything. It all stopped, and in their place, the same image: a strange, round man, standing in front of a backdrop clearly used for more important things. He was oddly clad in a red coat and black pants with leather boots, which just made his freakishly rotund appearance stand out even more, and to top it all off, he had an incredibly long, thick mustache flaring out from underneath a large nose that was topped off by round, dark-lens glasses. He looked big, flamboyant, and, in that moment, a little crazed. Of course, anyone who knew him would just look at him and say he was having an off day, but to those in the city, it was like staring into the face of a madman: predatory, calculated, and very, very dangerous. As they watched, he clenched his fist, opened his mouth, and made a statement that would go down in the history of America as quite possibly one of the most iconic lines ever heard on public broadcast:
“I've come to make an announcement: Shadow the Hedgehog's a bitch-ass motherfucker!”
Parents immediately covered their children's ears, crying out in outrage; some scrambled for the remote, trying to change the channel, but to no avail. Some seniors rolled their eyes in a manner that quite clearly said they were unfazed, some teenagers started to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it, but one thing was clear: this man had gotten their attention. And now that he had it, he was about to exploit it to high hell.
“He pissed on my fucking wife!” The man threw his hands in the air, wildly articulating his emotions. “That's right: he took his hedgehog fucking quilley dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was 'this big'--” At this, he dropped his voice in a mocking manner and held his hands apart an obscene distance, too ridiculous to be the length of any living creature's phallus. “--and I said, 'That's disgusting!' So, I'm making a callout post on my Twitter.com: Shadow the Hedgehog, you've got a small dick! It's the size of this walnut, except way smaller!” He threw his hand to the side, and suddenly the image on the screen shifted to...well, a walnut.
Or at least a walnut-like object. Considering the backdrop of the shot, it appeared to be floating in space. According to about thirteen small children pointing at their screens, at least.
“And guess what?!! Here's what my dong looks like!”
Without any other warning than that, the walnut-like thing in space suddenly blew half of itself off, revealing...the man's face. At least a replica of it in the object's side. And, now that they could see all the metal plating and everything going into it, they could tell that this object was large. Possibly even larger than the Moon itself.
“That's right, baby!” Spittle flew from the man's mouth. “All points! No quills! No pillows! Look at that; it look like two balls and a bong!” At this declaration, he reached over and slammed his still-clenched fist onto a button on a side panel previously hidden from view. The mechanical nose on the walnut planet replied in kind, opening up to reveal a cannon. A very very large cannon, which started to charge with a terrifying and beautiful blue light. “He fucked my wife, so guess what! I'm gonna fuck the Earth!”
The adults who were wondering this whole time if the man on this broadcast had maybe had too much to drink suddenly realized exactly what was about to happen.
“That's right, this is what you get: MY SUPER LASER PISS!!!”
The cannon fired. For a moment that felt like an eternity, everyone on Earth watched on in horror as the laser streaked in their direction.
“Except I'm not gonna piss on the Earth: I'm gonna go higher!”
The laser appeared to curve away, even though in reality, it was going in a straight line.
“I'm pissing on the MOON!!!”
The laser slammed hard into the Moon, breaking off a gigantic piece of it. People screamed, staring, as the once-impenetrable symbol of stability in their lives was shaken in an instant by a drunken man with a vendetta against hedgehog penises.
The man gave a wild laugh. “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, OBAMA?!! I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!!!!”
It was pandemonium. Parents were crying, hugging young children that couldn't understand what was happening. Friends were wildly messaging each other or running to each other's houses to scream about it. Some of the Internet-loving crowd begrudgingly admitted, under their shock, that pissing on the Moon was definitely higher than pissing on the Earth. Some were already making memes. And those that could see the bigger picture realized with even more horror what would happen now. That debris had to go somewhere...
The madman knew this, too. Replacing the view of space, a timer popped up as the broadcast, counting backwards from 24:00:00.
“You have twenty-three hours before the piss drrrrropllllets hit the fucking Earth! Now, get out of my fucking sight, before I piss on you, too!”
And with that final announcement, the broadcast abruptly cut off, bringing everyone back to what they were doing before. Except, now, no one wanted to do any of that anymore. This interruption had become a road block in their lives, a slippery, muddy, insurmountable wall in their path that they could not ignore. Games and videos were switched off, children were sent to bed, and everyone who could tried their best to prepare for their final hours on Earth.
How ironic, it seemed, that their end did not come with an explosion, or with a flood, or even with a virus, but by the hands of a scorned man who decided to piss on them all. The biggest, most painful insult of all.
What a joke, really.