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“Mr. Barba,” Carmen tapped on his door as she swung it open. “Before you leave, I need you to sign these.” She waved a stack of papers. “They have to go out by the end of the day.”
Rafael, who’d just finished latching his briefcase, looked at his watch. “If I don’t leave now, I’m going to be late, and you know I’m already on Judge Bertuccio’s bad side. Walk with me?”
“Sure,” She nodded, following him out into the hallway.
“This is the Bernhardt plea offer?” He asked once they were in the elevator, scanning over the document.
“Yes, sir. And I also need you to sign off on the Mattinson motion so I can file it, and the receipt for Bryson discovery.” She traded him a pen for his briefcase, holding it for him so he’d have both his hands.
He pressed the first document up against the wall of the elevator, scrawling his signature as the doors slid open.
“You know,” he said as they made their way outside into the autumn air, finally cooling off after a brutal summer. “I’m sure you know my signature by now. You could just sign these.”
“I’m sure that’s a great idea for legal paperwork, sir.”
Rafael laughed, taking the next document from her, giving it a once over as well. Carmen’s dry sense of humor was one of his favorite things about her. That and her ability to strike fear in the hearts of defense attorneys and other people he didn’t want to deal with. “I suppose you’re right.”
They’d made it to the bottom of the courthouse steps, only a three minute walk from his office—give or take thirty seconds depending on just how late he was running for court—when he handed her the last bit of paperwork and she gave him back his briefcase.
“You don’t have time,” She told him, catching him eyeing the coffee cart. “Besides, Detective Carisi said that you’re supposed to be cutting back, doctor’s orders.”
“What if we keep it between us, and I make sure your Christmas bonus is five percent higher this year?” Rafael asked with a grin.
“My Christmas bonus will already be five percent higher because I was able to find a replacement for the tie he bought you after you ruined it with mustard.”
Rafael huffed. “I should have known you wouldn’t forget about that. Fine, no coffee.”
She smiled triumphantly. “Good luck, Mr. Barba. Remember, Dworkin likes to showboat. Don’t let him get to y—“
There was a loud crack that seemed to echo throughout the streets and Barba felt something wet hit him in the face. “What the—“
But then he saw Carmen’s eyes widen, a stain blooming on her chest, soaking her once white top in deep crimson. “Mr. Barba…” she choked out before hitting the pavement.
“I swear to God, Rollins, if you don’t drive this car any fucking faster…”
“I’m doing the best I can, Carisi,” she said from the driver’s seat, and if he’d been in his right mind he would know that she was telling the truth. She had the lights and siren blaring, was weaving around cars, doing her best to go through red lights safely. Short of ramping up on the sidewalk and mowing down pedestrians to get around traffic, there wasn’t much more that she could do.
But he wasn’t in his right mind. All he knew was that they’d been serving a search warrant up in Murray Hill when it had come over the radio that there’d been a shooting at the courthouse. And Rafael wasn’t answering his phone.
He’d even tried the office line, sure that Carmen would tell him that he was in a meeting or had turned off his phone to get some work done, but that line had gone unanswered as well.
He’d been three flights down from the sixth floor walk up when Rollins caught up to him. “You’re not driving.”
Sonny had wanted to fight her, but she already had the keys and that would have only wasted time. Instead, he chose to berate her the entire way downtown.
He was out of the car before Rollins had even come to a full stop at the barricade that had been set up to prevent any traffic from crossing in front of the courthouse, running at a full sprint, tie flying over his shoulder. He passed half a dozen cruisers, lights blazing, and two ambulances, but didn’t notice any of it. He only had one goal and that was finding Rafael.
The first thing he saw was the blood — on Rafael’s face, his shirt, his hands — and he thought he’d throw up his lunch, but then his brain registered the fact that he was upright and talking. Well, not talking so much as yelling, at two police officers and a crime scene photographer.
“I told you what happened! You got your fucking pictures! Now unless one of you Barney Fife wannabes is going to drive me to the hospital, go away!”
“Raf!” Sonny finally reached him. “What happened? Are you hurt?” He touched his face, felt in his hair for wounds, moving down his torso, getting blood on his own hands, but not worrying about that at the moment.
“Sir?” One of the uniforms tried to stop him. “Sir? We’re gonna need you to take a step back.”
“First of all,” Sonny whirled on them, his jacket blowing back to reveal his badge. “It’s Detective. Second of all, this is my husband and unless he’s injured or under arrest, you need to back the fuck off.”
Both uniforms looked irked, but had enough of an instinct for self preservation to back away. Sonny half noticed Rollins approaching them.
“Sonny.” The agony in Rafael’s voice was almost enough to bring him to his knees. It was almost as if the sight of him had taken all of the fight out of Rafael, leaving only despair.
“Raf, baby, what happened?” Sonny asked again as Rafael clung to his forearms, leaving faint, bloody handprints on Sonny’s gray suit jacket.
“Ca—Carmen. We were walking to the courthouse. I had to sign some papers and she…”
“Wait. It was Carmen?” That was the last name he’d expected to hear. “She’s who was…?”
Still holding onto Rafael, pretty certain he was the only thing keeping him upright at the moment, Sonny did his best to take in the scene. He didn’t see paramedics working on anyone and didn’t see a body covered, which meant that Carmen was on her way to the hospital and had been alive when they left.
“Guys…” Rollins said gently as she walked up to them. Sonny could tell by her tone that she’d gotten the rundown from the unis. “I know you don’t want to deal with it, Barba, but they need to get a few more photos. And they’re going to need your shirt to take in as evidence.”
“Can’t they do that later. I need to get to the hospital.”
“It will be really quick, okay?” Sonny assured him, almost as if he was talking to a child. “Just a few quick pictures, you’ll give them your shirt, and then Rollins and I will take you to the hospital.”
There was something rational in the back of Rafael’s mind that knew that it would be faster to just comply so he did, staring off into space as he was photographed from all angles. Sonny had to help him out of his shirt.
He shivered in the cool air, only in his undershirt, as they walked toward the Interceptor. “We’ve got a hoodie in the car you can wear.” Sonny told him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and rubbing his upper arm, trying to warm him.
He climbed into the back with Rafael, unwilling to leave his side, even for the short drive to the hospital. He found the NYPD hoodie and helped Rafael put his arms through the sleeves, zipping it up.
Sonny then found the pack of wet wipes Rollins always kept on hand and began to gently wipe the blood from Rafael’s face, apologizing when Rafael flenched. Whether it was from the cold wipe or the contact, Sonny wasn’t sure.
He was still silent as Sonny went to work on his hands, getting the blood off as best as he could.
“You sure you’re okay, Raf?”
Rafael didn’t answer.
At the hospital, Sonny flashed his badge at the front desk, enquiring about Carmen’s status. All they could tell him was that she was in surgery, but they did allow the three of them upstairs to the surgical waiting room.
It wasn’t the private room that he’d been in before, cordoned off for the swarm of police officers who showed up any time a cop was injured in the line of duty. Sonny supposed the swarm wouldn’t come, not for a legal secretary, and it made him sad. Carmen was an integral part of what they did, and God knew Rafael wouldn’t be able to function without her.
They found three empty chairs in a corner, as far from the other people in the waiting room as they could get, some of whom gave them curious looks, especially Rafael. For all of Sonny’s work in the car, his face, neck, and hands were still stained red with Carmen’s blood.
“Can I get you guys anything?” Rollins offered. “Coffee? Water?”
“Raf?” Sonny asked and Rafael shook his head.
“Um, Barba,” Rollins then said tentatively, leaning across Sonny so she could keep her voice low. “The nurse was asking about Carmen’s family. Do you know their names or how to get in touch?”
Again, he shook his head. “No, I—I never asked. I should have asked.”
“It’s okay,” Sonny rubbed a hand on his back. “If nothing else, they’ll have an emergency contact listed over at the DA’s office. They’ll find them.”
“I should have asked,” Rafael repeated, but then went to stand.
“What? Do you need something?” Sonny jumped to his feet.
“I’m just gonna...go to the restroom,” Rafael answered.
“I’ll come with you.”
“No.” It came out forcefully. “I just need a minute, Sonny, please.”
Sonny collapsed back into his chair as he watched Rafael go down the hall. “Jesus,” he huffed, scrubbing a hand over his face.
“Yeah…”
“What?” Sonny asked, turning to look at Rollins.
“What what?”
“Don’t do that. You know something.” He’d worked with Rollins long enough to be able to read her.
“Well, it’s not official or anything. I was just talking to the detective on scene and their preliminary theory is that Carmen wasn’t the target…”
It had been there, somewhere in the back of Sonny’s mind, that that was probably the case. He just hadn’t wanted to think about it.
Carmen rarely traveled with Rafael to the courthouse, and from what he gathered it had been spur of the moment. Rafael’s trips to the courthouse, however, were scheduled for the most part, and that schedule wasn’t that hard to figure out if you knew which cases he was working.
“I really thought we were past this death threat bullshit.” Sonny used his thumb to spin his wedding ring around his finger.
“Seems as if they’re done with threats,” Rollins said. “If it’s even the same people.”
“This detective, you know him?”
Rollins shook her head. “I can do some digging, but the feds will probably want this one.”
“It’s not their jurisdiction.”
“Like that ever stopped them. Something like this, they’ll want all the glory. It’ll just depend on who wins the pissing match.”
“Great, and while the powers that be are measuring their dicks, whoever did this gets away.” Sonny sighed. He’d have to worry about that later. Right now what mattered was that Carmen would be okay.
A few minutes later he looked at his watch. “He’s been gone a long time. I’m going to go check on him.”
Rollins nodded. “Sure, I’ll see if I can get an update.”
Sonny found Rafael in the restroom, standing at the sink scrubbing his hands. They were an even darker red now, almost raw, and Sonny could see from the steam rising from the sink why they looked that way.
“You’re gonna scald yourself!” Sonny ran over, turning off the water.
“I can’t get it off. I just need to get it off.”
“It’s off, okay? It’s off. It’s just red from the hot water and the scrubbing.” Sonny grabbed a couple of paper towels, dabbing gently at his hands that must be hurting.
“I did this, Sonny.” His voice was low, rough.
“What? No, you didn’t.”
“It’s my fault she was there. If I’d just signed the papers in my office...this wouldn’t have happened.”
No, Sonny thought, it would be Rafael in surgery instead, or worse. And then he felt guilty for being relieved that it wasn’t.
“You can’t blame yourself for this. You had no way of knowi—“
“And then, to top it off, I don’t even know her parents’ names. How could I not know that Sonny? That woman,” his voice broke. “That woman has been by my side for years. She knows absolutely everything there is to know about me, she anticipates my every need, and has been there for me when no one else has.” Tears slid down his cheeks and he wiped at them with the back of his hand. “And I can’t even tell the doctors who her parents are.”
“It’s okay. Like I told you, they’ll find out from—“
“That’s not the point!” The shout echoed throughout the room, bouncing off of ceramic and tile. “I should know.” He gripped Sonny’s arms like he had at the courthouse, and then without warning, his knees gave out, Sonny catching him before he fell, supporting his weight as they both lowered to the floor. “I should know,” Rafael repeated over and over, as he sobbed into Sonny’s chest.
Sonny wasn’t sure how long they sat there like that, his back propped against the wall, Rafael’s face buried in his shirt as he cried. Only once had someone come in to use the restroom, but he’d thought better of it and backed out the door once he saw them. Sonny was grateful for the man’s kindness.
He continued to rub Rafael’s back in soothing circles as anguished sobs ebbed into softer whimpers. Finally, it seemed, that he’d cried himself out, but he didn’t lift his head from Sonny’s chest, choosing to stay in the comfort of his husband’s arms just a little while longer.
After a while, he sat back, wiping at his tear streaked face. If it were anyone else but Sonny in the room he’d be embarrassed, but he knew Sonny wouldn’t judge him.
“How often do you think they clean this floor?” he asked, almost as if he just realized where they were.
Sonny huffed a small laugh, happy to see a little bit of the real Rafael coming through. “I figure if you’re gonna sit on the floor of a New York City bathroom, a hospital’s gotta be your best bet cleanliness wise.”
Rafael’s mouth stayed in a straight line. “It was supposed to be me, wasn’t it?”
“Raf.” It was a warning.
“Wasn’t it?”
Sonny shook his head. “We have no way of knowing that.”
“Please, don’t insult my intelligence. I might be upset, but I still have a brain. No one would target Carmen, and even if they would, there was no way they’d know she was going to be there.”
“As of now, where they are in the investigation,” Sonny’s voice took on an official tone, “it seems as if you were the target.”
Rafael just nodded, taking it in, like hearing it from Sonny made it official even though he’d known it all along.
“But I think they’ll catch them. They’re clearly an amateur.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, think about it,” Sonny said. “First of all, they missed. Second of all, once they missed they didn’t keep trying. If it was someone truly cold blooded or practiced at killing, they wouldn’t have stopped shooting once Carmen went down.” Something flashed in Rafael’s eyes and Sonny wanted to kick himself. “Sorry, Raf, I went into detective mode and I didn’t—”
“It’s okay,” Rafael said softly.
“My point is,” his voice was softer this time, less cop and more husband. “I’m sure whoever it was made some mistakes, and as soon as they know where the shots came from — which they might by now — they’ll find something that leads back to them.”
Rafael only nodded, pulling himself to standing before moving to the sink to splash water on his face.
By the time they made it back out to the waiting room, Olivia and Fin were sitting with Rollins.
“Rafa.” Olivia stood, tears in her eyes, and pulled him into a hug. He was glad he’d cried all that he could because her comfort and sadness would have probably moved him to tears if he hadn’t.
“Any word?” Sonny asked the other two while Liv and Rafael had their moment.
Rollins shook her head. “Not yet, but someone was able to get ahold of her parents. They live in Baltimore, but are getting a flight.”
“Hopefully we’ll have good news for them when they get here.”
Rafael slumped into a chair next to Olivia, their exchange seeming to have drained him of what little energy he had left. “Can’t one of you flash your badge and find out something?”
“Not if there’s nothing to find out,” Olivia said gently. “Right now, no news is good news. It means they’re still working on her.”
No one spoke aloud the alternative, but they all thought about it.
“Carmen’s tough, Barba,” Fin assured him. “She’ll pull through this.”
Rafael didn’t respond. None of them had been there to see the fear in her eyes, the blood pouring out of her chest as she collapsed onto the pavement. He’d done his best to stop the bleeding, holding pressure as best he could, but a small trickle had begun to run from the corner of her mouth just as the ambulance arrived.
He was pretty sure that no matter what happened, he’d never forget the sight of her, bleeding and unconscious. He just hoped it wasn’t the last time he’d see her.
“Raf.”
Rafael jerked awake, sitting upright from where he’d been slumped over, head on Sonny’s shoulder. It took him a moment to get his bearings. The hospital. Carmen.
“What? What is it? Is she okay?” He rubbed at his eyes, trying to get them to function. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but he supposed the exhaustion of the day had caught up with him.
“Getting an update now,” Sonny gestured to the corner of the room where a doctor in blue scrubs was talking to Olivia. “They didn’t want to tell us anything really because we’re not family, but then Liv pulled the Lieutenant card. And maybe led them to believe that she was investigating the shooting.”
Rafael felt a great deal of love for his friend at that moment. His friend who had a look of relief on her face as she spoke with the doctor, and he took that as a good sign. He felt the weight in his chest shift then, the size of it shrinking slightly.
“Well?” he asked, his voice still raspy from sleep and exhaustion, when she’d walked back over to them.
“She’s okay,” she said with a smile. “She was shot in the lung and they had to go in to stop the bleeding. She’ll have a chest tube for a few days and will have a bit of a rough go of it for awhile, but she should be fine.”
Olivia rubbed a hand reassuringly on Rafael’s shoulder and he patted it before turning to Sonny, hugging him awkwardly over the chair arms that separated them.
Sonny gripped him tight. “See? It’s all okay. She’s okay.”
It was hours before she was allowed visitors, and by then her parents had arrived, so of course Rafael insisted they go in first. Finally, when it was his turn, he paused outside of her door, afraid of what he’d find on the other side. Sonny had offered to go with him, but he insisted on doing it alone.
Gathering up his courage, he stepped over the threshold.
For all he’d heard about her injury and the subsequent treatments, none of it had prepared him for the sight of Carmen in the hospital bed. The wires and machines, and even the chest tube, he’d braced himself for, but not for how small she looked, or how young.
She was always so confident, so in command of her space and those around her, that Rafael often forgot that she was barely thirty. Still so much life ahead of her. He tried not to think about how close she’d come to dying that day.
One of the doctors had told them that if Rafael hadn’t been on scene to call 911 immediately, she might have bled out before they got her to the hospital. But then again, he’d thought, if he hadn’t been on scene, she never would have been shot at all.
Her eyes were closed, and he thought about stepping back out and letting her rest, but while he debated, they opened.
“Mr. Barba.” Her voice was raspy from the intubation tube they’d used during her surgery, but it was strong and unmistakably Carmen. He felt tears spring to his eyes at the sound of it.
“I think,” he said, sitting down in the chair next to the bed and patting her hand, “that after today, you can call me Rafael.”
Her eyes widened. “Um, maybe outside of the office?”
Rafael laughed lightly. “Sure.” He took a deep breath. “Carmen, I’m so sorry about what happened. I never thought that you’d be in danger just from your proximity to me. I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to—”
“Mr.Barba—Rafael,” she corrected and it looked like the informality pained her more than her gunshot wound. “I don’t blame you. At all. And after all we’ve been through together, you think getting shot is going to make me quit? Besides, this is nothing compared to you when you don’t have time for coffee in the morning.”
He was relieved, both that she felt well enough to make jokes and that she had no plans of leaving him. She’d been with him since he’d climbed the ladder high enough in the Brooklyn DA’s office to warrant his own legal secretary, and he’d be lost without her.
“Well, things are going to be different from now on,” he told her. “More time off. I’ll try to pile less on your plate. And I think you’re in prime position for us to leverage a raise from the DA. And,” he paused, patting her hand again, “I’m not going to take you for granted, not anymore. You’re so much more to me than an assistant, and I’m going to start treating you as such. When you’re well enough, Sonny and I would like to have you over for dinner.”
“Oh, Mr. Barba, you don’t have to do that. Really.” Carmen shook her head.
“I know, but I want to. That’s what friends do, right? Have each other over for dinner?”
She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, that’s what friends do.”