Archive of Our Own

Dan's schedule had always been hectic. He was enjoying a rare moment of calm, having finished shooting the last show he was in and preparing his speech for the special evening organized by the LGBTQ charity he was a patron of. But it was June, so he knew this unexpected quiet week would be over soon. There would probably be opportunities coming up on their own during the frenzy of Pride month, that's what he got for being so open about his sexuality and his support for everyone else in the community. Not that he was complaining, far from it, he always loved an opportunity to help. He just wasn't surprised when he got a call from the Dawnstar Reporter , deeply apologizing for the short notice but offering him an interview and his picture on the cover in their special pride edition that was to come out on June 20th, just two weeks before London pride. And, of course, Dan said yes. He already had a few ideas of what he'd like to do with this shoot. 

*

Because they were in a bit of a time crunch, they had agreed on doing both the shoot and the interview the same day, and Dan was bringing a few of his own outfits to save some time. So when he showed up to the building with a couple garment bags precariously piled on his arm, he was glad to see someone come up to him to help. The guy was tall, as tall as him, with pale skin contrasting with his black hair and the blue of his eyes. He was vaguely familiar, but Dan couldn't put his finger on where he'd seen him before. 

“Hi, Dan Howell? I'm Phil Lester, the LGBT correspondent, I'll be doing your interview later- wait let me help you with that first,” he added, taking a couple bags from Dan and putting them across his arm. 

“Thank you,” Dan said, grinning widely. “I was about to crumble under all of that.”

“No problem,” Phil said. There was something about the look in his eyes that made Dan relax. “Let's get you to the photoshoot before I drop something, I wouldn't want to be fired before I got the chance to do this interview.” 

Dan laughed, walking a bit faster to keep up with him. 

As far as shoots went, this one flew by pretty quickly and he was already putting on his last outfit - a black mesh t-shirt paired with ripped jeans of the same colour, a black choker, his usual “sad face” ear plugs, and his favourite pair of black high heels. It was both dramatic and surprisingly comfortable. The makeup artist decided to go for a lighter, more natural look to bring out the rainbow flag she'd painted on his cheek. It was for the cover of the pride edition, after all. (molly's art)

The shoot was over before he knew it. He didn’t even bother changing, just thanked everyone and stumbled around until he found Phil’s office. 

“Hey?”

“Hey!” Phil said brightly. “Come in. Sorry, it's pretty small I know, I usually prefer doing this somewhere else but, ah well - please, take a seat.”

“It's all good,” Dan assured him, “I don't mind at all. I quite like what you've done with it, actually, I'm a fan of the houseplants everywhere.”

“Thank you,” Phil laughed. “Alright, ready to start whenever you are.”

“Let's do this, then.”

“Great, I'll start the sound recording now,” Phil fiddled with his phone for a second. They used the same model, Dan noted. “Okay, I'd like to start by thanking you again for coming in despite such a short notice.” 

“Of course, it's no problem. My pleasure, really.” 

Phil smiled. “Just to make sure I’m not saying anything wrong, you do use both gay and queer to describe yourself?” 

Dan nodded. 

“Is there any difference in how you use them?”

“Thing is, and I’ve talked about this before, I do have a different relationship with both of them. I personally love the word queer, because it does a good job of communicating that whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it,” Dan chuckled, and he could see Phil’s lips twitching. “I like that it’s more general, I’m not really a fan of very definite labels that feel too constrictive. For me, personally,” he added, “but of course everyone else has a right to use any label that fits them best. I do describe myself as gay as well, for the very different reason that it’s a word that had been used against me pretty much my whole life until I was 18. Maybe I don’t fit the exact definition of it, but I’m choosing to take a word that was used to hurt me for so long, and turn it into something I’m proud of being, and nobody can take that away from me.”

Phil smiled, like he understood what Dan meant. Maybe he did, he was interviewing lots of other LGBTQ people after all, and some experiences could be similar across the community.

“I’ll keep this off the record,” Phil said, sounding softer than before “but I think that takes a lot of courage to do.” He paused for a second, and when he spoke up again, his voice was back to normal. “I know a lot of people - and particularly young people - look up to you as a kind of role model in the community. How do you feel about that?”

“I’d never met any out queer person until I was like, 18 or so, and it definitely would’ve helped me a lot if I had. So, if I can be that person for anyone who needs it, that can show them that they’re going to be just fine, I’m more than glad to take on that role. There are a lot of stories of queer misery, where it seems like every LGBT person is destined to a life of sadness and reject, and that’s just not true! I won’t tell you it’s always perfect, there will be some rough patches but in the end, we’re okay. We’re here, and we’re right, and we’re not going anywhere,” he grinned.

“I take it you’re quite positive about the future?” Phil asked.

“Oh, for sure. The future is clear: it’s pretty queer.”

“I’ll quote you on that,” Phil said, visibly holding back a laugh. “That’s a great one.”

“Why thank you,” Dan shrugged . “I do like it a lot.”

Phil started drumming his fingers on the table. “Now, about your future. Any new projects you’d want to share with us?”

*

Dan loved spending time with Quinn, he really did. He was never exaggerating when he said he wouldn’t have made it here without them and their unwavering support, ever since they were both teenagers. It felt like they’d known each other much longer than that, like they’d been best friends for a lifetime and a half. He still remembered the first manuscripts they’d let him read, before they had worked up the courage to send it to anyone else. He was glad they did, they deserved all the support they were getting. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a flick on his wrist, blinking a few times before really seeing the bar they were in and light brown eyes looking at him expectantly.

“Hey,” Quinn said, eyebrow raised. “Quinn to Dan, get back on Earth.”

“Sorry,” he gave them an apologetic pout. “Got distracted for a second. What were you saying?”

“Nice to know you’re interested when I talk,” they grumbled, but quirked their brow when Dan kicked them lightly in the leg. “Okay, fine, fine. Love you too. I was just saying, do you know when your interview will be out? I love the ones Phil Lester does, he’s great at it, they’re always so interesting.”

“In two weeks,” Dan said, trying to contain his excitement. “June 20th.”

“Oh, nice. I’m excited to see the cover too, since you’re too mean to tell me what you looked like for the shoot.”

“Hey, I don’t want to play favourites! And you’d go brag on Twitter than you know it before everyone else and my mentions would be a mess. Don’t act like you wouldn’t,” he raised a finger before they could protest. “You know you’ve done it before.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” they shrugged. “But it’s so fun to mess with you.”

Dan sighed, falsely exasperated. “Why do I put up with you again?”

“Because you love me?” they beamed at him, tilting their head and twirling a strand of red curly hair around their finger, and Dan couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, sure. You’re the worst,” he rolled his eyes but he could hear the fondness in his own voice. He wasn’t fooling anyone. Especially Quinn, his best friend in the whole world, out of all people.

“If you say so,” Quinn said. “Excited for pride?”

“I mean, it won’t be the same without you there, but yeah! Ready to be gay and angry.”

“That kinda goes hand in hand, love. But, seriously, I’m sorry I can’t be here, I know you don’t like crowds when you’re by yourself. Promise me you’ll be okay,” they frowned.

“I promise,” Dan smiled softly. “I know it’s important for you to be there for your aunt’s surgery. Don’t worry about me, I think I’ll watch the parade for a bit and then hang back somewhere less crowded, or I’ll just get home early if it gets too much. Remember that year, when I was too scared to come out, and you asked me to go to pride with you and we just watched everything from behind the coffee shop’s window?”

“You kept looking like you were about to cry,” Quinn nodded, small smile tugging at the corners of their mouth. “And once you started crying, you just couldn’t stop. And then you said this was the most at home you’d felt in your whole life, and you just came out in the family groupchat.”

“I’d never been so scared, I still can’t believe how impulsively I did that,” Dan said “I think it’s because I already wasn’t leaving with them anymore, I knew I would be safe no matter what happened. Even though everything turned out fine, in the end.”

“And look at you know,” Quinn grinned widely. “Going to pride by yourself, as a very loud activist for the community. I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too.”

“Pride month, baby!” they exclaimed, making Dan laugh again.

He really did come a long way since then.

*

The day the pride issue of the Dawnstar Reporter came out, Dan had barely had time to properly wake up before Quinn called.

“Yeah?” he answered, stifling a yawn.

Maybe he still wasn’t completely awake, after all.

“Dude, Twitter’s going nuts over this issue. And, honestly? I get it. That cover? You’re killing it.”

Dan smiled. He’d seen a preview of the cover picture they’d used, and he did like it a lot. It was one of the last ones they’d taken, in the black heels and mesh shirt, where he was sat in a grey chair, one leg hanging over the armrest. 

“I haven’t had time to check social media yet,” he said. “What do you think of the interview?”

“Love it. It’s very… you, if that makes sense. Not that that’s a surprise, really, but… I don’t know. It feels more authentic, I guess. Phil Lester’s good at doing that, actually, his interviews always feel like he really gets people talking from the heart. That’s why I like them so much. It always seems like he has a genuine interest in who he’s talking to and what they have to say.”

“It felt like that too, being in front of him. You know sometimes it almost feels like you’re boring them with your answers, like they were expecting something better and you failed to deliver. Phil wasn’t like that,” he said, thoughtful.

He hadn’t really paid attention to it at the time, because it felt so natural, just being around him. There hadn’t been that strange awkwardness that was usually always hanging around in the air, just an uncomfortable silence away. There hadn’t been any with Phil.

“Phil, huh? Already on a first name basis, then?” they pointed out, and he could hear the teasing in their voice clear as day.

“I’m stopping you right there,” Dan chuckled, “he asked me to just call him Phil. I’m only being considerate and doing what he asked.”

“Oh come on, you’re no fun.”

“Maybe I’ll introduce you one day, if you’re nice.”

“Oh shut the fuck up.”

“Always so mean,” Dan faked the hurt in his voice.

“You need someone to keep your feet on Earth darling, I’m only being a good friend. But congrats on the interview and cover, you did really well. I have to run, but we should get coffee soon. Bye!”

They hung up before he had time to say anything, and he just shook his head, amused. Despite everything he could say, he still was always proud when they complimented him.

*

The parade had been a special time for him for the last eight years, but it was the first time he was going without Quinn. He loved it, more the atmosphere and the feeling in the air than the parade or activities themselves. There was something… exhilarating about being there with everyone else, surrounded by music and laughter, and if he still was an “angry gay” like he said, and he knew pride was a riot first, it was just so incredibly heartwarming to see so many LGBTQ people looking so genuinely happy. He’d been doing fine so far, and even if he was surrounded by other people, he wasn’t in the middle of the big crowd. That was an advantage of being stupidly tall, he could be a little further away and still see what was going on. And he wasn’t even wearing heels, he had considered it but then thought he’d rather not be in pain for most of the day, although black heels would have looked nice with his black shorts and rainbow fishnets. But he stuck with black vans instead, at least he knew they’d be comfortable enough.

 There had been a few people coming up to him to say hi and chat a little, but not many, and he knew from experience that with all the people there it was difficult to see anyone in particular. So he was surprised when he heard someone call his name on his right, and even more when he saw Phil making his way over to him, sunlight catching on the rainbow glitters on his right cheek and temple. That seemed to be the main pride-themed part of his outfit, as far as Dan could tell, along with his white t-shirt with rainbow stripes.

“Hey,” Dan said, a little taken aback. “Wasn’t expecting to run into you here.”

“I know, me neither! I can never find anyone in this crowd, maybe it’s fate,” he raised an eyebrow.

“More like luck,” Dan said, deadpan.

“Same thing,” Phil laughed. “Are you here by yourself?”

“Yeah, I usually come with my best friend but they had some family thing to take care of so they couldn’t make it. It’s funny, you know, in eight years I’ve never actually been to a pride alone,” he added thoughtfully.

“Well I’m here now, if you want,” Phil flashed him a bright grin. “I’ve been on my own quite a few times, I’m usually the one to cover the event.”

“And you’re not today?”

“I was,” he replied, “but I think I’ve got enough, and I can always get some more material just walking around.”

“Might take you up on that offer of staying with you, then, it is a bit weird being here alone, actually.”

“Sure! It’ll be fun,” Phil said, and Dan didn’t miss the way his eyes seemed to light up in excitement. “What do you want to do?”

“We could watch the parade for a bit longer?” he suggested. “I’ll really need to grab something to eat soon though, I’m starving. And then I don’t know, it’s up to you,” he shrugged.

“Sounds good! Just tell me when you want to go eat, there’s a really cute café nearby that have some great food, I think I probably go there every year,” Phil added with a little laugh. “And we can always see later what we want to do then, there’s no rush.”

Dan could feel his cheeks hurting when he smiled back. They stood there for a few more minutes, Phil casually leaning against the wall behind him, hands in his pockets, and Dan trying his best to stay focused on the floats passing by, occasionally caving in and stealing quick glances at him. He couldn’t tell if the warmth was just getting to him or if there was another reason to the burning sensation on his cheeks. 

His stomach rumbled. Dan shot an embarrassed look at Phil, but he just chuckled.

“Alright, I get the message, let’s go have lunch.”

“Oh wait, before we go- I forgot to post a story, Quinn’s always the one to remind me,” Dan took out his phone. “Do you want to be on the selfie too?”

“Oh, sure, why not!”

Dan took out his phone and waited for Phil to be ready before snapping the picture, Dan's instinctive peace sign making an unwanted appearance once again, and Phil leaning in to be in frame, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Good with you?" Dan asked, showing him the image.

"Yeah, that's a good one," Phil smiled widely. "Tag me so I can repost it too."

Dan nodded, quickly typing a simple caption "currently at london pride and somehow ran into @phillester in the crowd - @uniquinn look i'm surviving without you" before posting it. He heard Phil’s phone buzz and saw him tapped his phone a few times, before Dan got the notification that he had reposted it to his own story, just adding a rainbow gif, and he laughed, elbowing Phil in the ribs

"Okay, no more phone! We’re eating now."

He followed Phil down a few streets, until they reached a small café almost hidden in a corner. He was breathing easier now that they were somewhere more quiet. Phil was right, it was really cute, Dan thought when they walked in, He was bombarded with pastel. There was a soft peach colour on the walls, and plants scattered pretty much everywhere, with some pride decorations on the windows and shelves - yeah, that looked like a place he would think Phil loved. They both ordered bagels and sat near a window, chatting about anything that came to mind.

"You're not from London either, right?" Dan asked.

"Nope, grew up in Manchester. Well, close to Manchester anyway. You're from the south, if I remember correctly?"

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd know that, though," he raised an eyebrow.

"What can I say? I'm a good reporter," Phil smiled. "No, it just came up when I did some research before your interview the other day."

"My friend Quinn loved it, by the way. I think they're a fan," he said quietly, leaning in like it was an important secret. "Don't tell them I said that though, they'll kill me," he added, sitting back up.

Phil ducked his head. "Well thank you, I mean it was nice to do this with someone so... genuine, I guess? Not that other people aren't, that's not what I mean, but... I don't know. There's something about you," he said, looking at Dan like he was trying to put together pieces of a puzzle.

Dan felt the blood rushing to his cheeks again, and he chuckled awkwardly.

"You're nice, but there really is nothing special about me, you know."

"Agree to disagree," Phil shrugged. "How was your bagel?"

"It is so good, honestly, best bagel of my life and by far. I'm sure I'll be coming back."

"Maybe I'll see you here next year then," Phil saidhe smiled. "I told you the food here was great. Ready to head back?"

"Yup! I'd rather avoid crowded places though, I think I've had my dose of people for the day," Dan grimaced.

"No problem!" Phil assured, standing up. "We can just hang out a bit further away where it's a bit quieter, there will still be some cool things to do around here, I'm not the biggest fan of crowds either."

They headed back to a more lively area once they were done, but where there weren’t nearly as many people as there would be closer to the parade. There was only one stand in this park, playing music, and pretty much everyone was gathered around it, people singing and dancing and laughing and waving their flags, and Dan couldn't keep the smile off his lips. Yeah, that was his favourite part about pride, people getting to just be themselves and be happy. Phil must've seen the look on his face, because he was reaching out to poke his dimple. 

"What?" Dan said, wiggling out of the way. 

"Nothing, it's just… you look happy. I can't tell if it's for you or for them," Phil said, gesturing at the people next to the stand. 

"Both, I guess," Dan said, a little quieter. "I'm just thinking of everyone going to their first pride today, and I remember mine, and how important it was for me and I just- I hope they get the support I had back then."

There was a sudden tightness in his throat when he cleared it, quickly so Phil wouldn't notice. 

"I'm going to get a bubble tea over there," he pointed a shop behind the park. "Do you want anything?" 

Phil must've picked up on his mood, because he didn't offer to go with him. 

"Sure!" he smiled. "Could you just get me the same thing as you? Thanks." 

Phil's gentleness was oddly comforting, Dan thought as he walked away. It was just nice to hang out with him. There was no pressure to talk or do anything at all. 

The fifteen minutes it took him were enough to clear his mind, and he was feeling much better by the time he got back. The heat and constantly being surrounded by people had probably gotten to him a little bit, things just became a little too much sometimes, but he was fine. He always was. 

Phil gave him a bright smile when he handed him his drink and sat next to him on the bench.

"Thanks," he said, taking a sip of the drink. "Mh, that's really good! I'll try to remember this place for next time, this park looks like a nice place to chill with some bubble tea."

"Yeah," Dan smiled. "I don't come over here much - I mean, I don't really go out anywhere outside unless I have a real reason too, to be honest. Or unless Quinn drags me somewhere."

"You and Quinn sound really close," he noted, head tilted to the side just slightly.

Dan smiled widely. "Yeah, we are. I've known them for, what, ten years now? God, that is forever. But yeah, I mean they're my best friend, and frankly? I don't know what I would've done without them back then. They put up with my shit and I put up with theirs, so I guess that's a good basis for a solid friendship," he said, shrugging.

That made Phil laugh and he leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest, and Dan's breath got lost somewhere in his throat.

"That's nice," Phil said, nodding amiably. "That you got that, I mean. That's what you were talking about, when you mentioned the support you got?" Dan nodded. "That's good. I was wondering, you know, after the interview, because you did mention you had a tough time but I didn't think it'd be right to ask more questions about that."

"It's fine," Dan said. "I didn't meet Quinn until I was 18, after high school was over, and they were the first openly queer person I'd ever met. Helped me realize that it was... okay, I guess? That there wasn't something broken in me, or whatever. You know how we used to call ourselves back then? The queer club, but it was just us," he laughed, and Phil had the tiniest smile playing on his lips. "They're just... family now. I think mum likes them more than me, at this point, she always invites them around when I go visit."

Phil let out a chuckle at that. "Ah believe me, I get that. I always had a sneaking suspicion my parents preferred me my best friend. Glad to know that's just queer culture." He paused for a second and frowned. "Not in that sense, I mean, my family's always been kind and supportive, I just mean..."

"I know what you mean," Dan assured him. "It's just like crying at the table doing maths as a teen. Or cuffed jeans. And flannel shirts. Just... universal queer things."

"Yeah, exactly like that," Phil smiled. He shot a quick glance at his watch. "Shit, I should get going, I have a meeting soon."

Dan raised an eyebrow. "They don't even give you a day off for pride? Homophobic."

Phil elbowed him gently. "Capitalism never stops, my friend. Not even for us gays."

"Go on then, don't be late," Dan ushered him.

Phil rolled his eyes. "I'm going, I'm going," he stood up, turning around to take the hand Dan was giving him and pulling him up. He seemed to hesitate for a second, before changing his mind. "Maybe we'll run into each other again?"

"Probably, if we're lucky," Dan said, grinning up at him.

"Or if fate says so," Phil said, and Dan would've sworn he'd seen him wink.

"Oh, shut up about fate," Dan was the one rolling his eyes this time.

Phil just laughed and took a step back. "See you around!" he said with a wave, before turning around and walking away.

*

Dan couldn’t tell if there had been more content from Phil this past week, or if he just had been paying more attention without realizing. It felt like whenever he turned on the news, there was a segment about Phil’s interviews, the one he’d done with him or another one. Not that he was complaining, he liked seeing the TV interviews he did, there was usually a different atmosphere than for written pieces, but there was the same comforting vibe emanating from the live interviews. Dan really didn’t know how he did that. And yeah, if Quinn was there, maybe they’d make fun of  him for the way he noticed the tiniest details about him, from the way he bit his lip to stop himself from smiling when it wouldn’t necessarily be appropriate, to the depth in his eyes that he felt could betray all his emotions to anyone who paid close enough attention, and knew where to look. It was a good thing he wasn’t going to tell them any of that, they’d have enough material to make fun of him for the next decade.

Honestly, there were other things he should be focusing on instead, like the speech he would be giving for that charity he supported. The day was getting closer and he wasn’t making much progress, but with these kinds of things, he worked better last minute. Frankly, he never felt like he was good with speeches, he didn’t seem to be able to figure out a good way to say what he needed to say, without making it sound ridiculous. He’d figure it out eventually, he wasn’t going to let the charity down, but maybe he was a bit nervous about it. It’d be fine, he kept telling himself. He knew what he wanted to say, he just needed some more time to find the right way of delivering that message. He still had time.

*

He was running late. You would think by now he would have learned to be responsible but that obviously wasn’t the case. He wasn’t too late though, and he’d already let the organizers know that he was really sorry, he’d managed to lose his apartment keys and was locked inside, but he was on his way. Thank God he always took an Uber because public transport was stressing him out, and also about ten times slower. At least now he had a chance of making it on time. 

Quinn was already there when he arrived, and he grimaced apologetically at the look they gave him.

“I know, I know. Has it started yet?”

“No,” they said. “You’re lucky the organization here is struggling more than you.”

“Oh thank fuck,” he sighed in relief. “Alright, I’ll go see what I can help with.”

He hurried inside, looking for Ariel, the main coordinator of the event.

“Oh good, you’re here,” she waved him over. “Right on time, after all.”

“I’m really so sorry,” Dan started apologizing for what was probably the twelfth time. 

“It’s okay! You made it in the end, that’s what matters the most,” she patted him on the armm. “We would’ve figured out something if you had really been late, it happens sometimes. You’ve never bailed on us before, no reason to think you’d start now.”

Dan nodded, relieved. “Thank you. Now that I’m here, is there anything I can help out with?”

“Oh, that’s nice of you but we’re all set now! You should go get ready, it’s going to start soon. You know where the stage is, right?”

“I do remember, yes,” he laughed. “I’ll be waiting over there then, just let me know when to step in!”

“Will do,” she smiled, giving him a little wave as she walked away.

The rest of it went by in a bit of a blur, like it always did, faces merging into an indistinct mass looking up at him on the stage, and he could feel himself saying the words and phrases he’d prepared, but he couldn’t hear himself through the ringing in his ears. 

The world faded back in as soon as he stepped away and let Ariel take the stage, white noise disappearing and his eyes adjusting to the crowd there was.

He took a step back, then two, turning around to leave the room that felt like the walls were closing in on him, just focusing on each individual step until he spotted bright red curls, and he walked up to them, only then noticing that Phil was there as well.

“If it isn’t the man of the hour,” Quinn grinned at him. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” Dan said. “Just needed to breathe for a bit- I didn’t know you would be here,” he turned to look at Phil.

“Someone has to cover LGBTQ events around here,” Phil said,  laughing a little. “Or that’s what I tell my boss anyway, I really wanted to be there since I couldn’t make it last year. But I can’t stay very long, I’ll just ask a few questions to everyone and then head out, I have a ton of work to finish before tomorrow,” he added with a grimace.

“That’s fine! We’re still very grateful for the support,” Dan said, smile growing just a tiny bit wider. 

He could see at Quinn’s expression next to him that they were trying their best not to roll their eyes, but he decided to ignore them.

“Thanks,” Phil said, his face lighting up so slightly that Dan nearly missed it. “Alright, I should get going, I’d like to catch the hosts before they get too busy. See you around?”

“Sure,” Dan said. “Don’t talk about fate,” he added before he could say anything.

Phil just laughed at him, and said goodbye to Quinn before walking away. Quinn turned to look at Dan, both eyebrows raised.

“What was that?”

Dan shrugged. “Nothing, just… a joke.”

Quinn looked like they were about to say something, but they let it go. For now at least, Dan knew they weren't the kind to forget about things. 

"Come on," they said. "Time to go socializing."

Dan let out a groan of protestation, but followed them back to where everyone else was. 

*

The universe must've had a weird sense of humour, Dan thought when he ran into Phil for the third time in as many weeks. First it had been at a park, then in the hallway of another newspaper, and now just in the street, Phil coming out of a bakery just as Dan was walking past, internally grumbling about his choice of wearing heels. 

He used to feel self conscious about wearing heels, mostly because he was already so stupidly tall and he didn't like the idea of standing out more than he already did. He liked them, though, he really did, it just took him a long time before he was comfortable enough with himself to wear them in public, and not just for photoshoots. Not that he'd wear them everyday either, despite the undeniable aesthetic appeal he still valued comfort more, and spending several hours in high heels for more than one day? Now that just sounded like torture to him. He had to commend anyone who could stand it. Unless they were heeled ankle boots, these tended to be quite comfortable, but he still preferred regular heels when it wasn't winter. He was wearing one of his favourite pairs - black with a thick ankle strap that he loved pairing with cuffed jeans - but he had underestimated the distance he'd have to walk and he was starting to regret choosing them over a regular pair of sneakers. 

"Dan, hi!" Phil said, and his eyes widened just a little when he walked down the few steps and found himself having to look up at him. "Sorry, wasn't expecting you to be so tall all of a sudden," he chuckled. 

Dan laughed. "Oh no, it's fine. I'm used to it, at least you don't look at me weirdly."

"Why would I?" he shrugged, a discreet glint in his eyes. "They suit you well. And it's funny to see you that much taller than me, I think I like it," he added, a smirk slowly appearing on his lips.

Dan had to fight the giggles he could feel bubbling in his chest, just waiting to get out and embarrass him. 

"Ah, uh, thank you? I'm going to start thinking you're following me," he said, hastily changing the subject. 

"More like the other way around," Phil shot back. "I was probably in that shop before you turned the corner of the street." 

"Yeah, fair I’ll give you that," Dan shrugged. "Guess we just have a weird luck at meeting randomly then." 

Phil beamed at him, and he didn't even have to say anything to make Dan roll his eyes, biting his tongue so he didn't laugh. He saw Phil glance at his watch and make a face, and he knew what that meant by now. 

"I'm sorry, I'm-" 

"-going to be late, I know," Dan finished for him and Phil gave him a sheepish smile. He sighed. "I have to go too, anyway, I'm not late yet but I will be soon if I just keep standing there."

"I guess we should both go then," Phil said. "I mean, with our luck , we might see each other soon anyway," he grinned. 

There was a burning question on Dan's tongue, that had been there since the first time they ran into each other but, once again, he didn't let it out. 

"I'm sure we will," he heard himself say instead. "We should start taking bets on which random place we're going to run into the other next."

Phil laughed, and Dan was desperately trying to keep the question buried in his throat. 

"We should, maybe next time we can do that. Okay, I really have to go now, have a nice day!" Phil said, taking a few steps back before turning around, starting to run. 

"You too," Dan called after him. 

He watched Phil leave for a second or two, and he could feel the frustration towards himself growing, unasked question exploding angrily in his mind. 

Do you want to hang out sometimes, when we're not both so busy? 

*

It had been less than a week since he last saw Phil when the Dawnstar Reporter contacted him again. They explained that Phil was doing a piece about queer people in the acting industry with a few other guests, and that they'd like him to be here as well. They apologized again for the short notice, but Dan knew from experience how messy actors' schedules could be, so he didn't mind. He somehow didn't have anything planned that week anyway, so that was perfect timing. 

Once he got there, he barely caught a glance of Phil, just the time to wave at him before he was ushered into hair and makeup to get him camera ready. And with the frenzy of people, running around to finish preparing everything, he only saw the other actors and actresses when he finally stepped out of the room and headed to the studio. There were a few he’d met before, some he had worked with and some he’d just crossed paths with at events and stuff, and a few that he only knew by name. He smiled at a familiar face and a mess of wavy blonde hair amongst everyone else, and walked up to him.

“Hey, Alec, nice to see you.”

“Dan!” Alec gave him a quick hug. “It’s been ages, hasn’t it? I didn’t know you’d be here today.”

“Yeah, it was a little last minute,” Dan said, pulling away. “Might just be how they do things here. Or Phil’s just bad at keeping a schedule, because he’s always running late.”

“Oh that’s right,” Alec said, “You did an interview with him, right? What was it, last month?”

“Two months ago, now.”

“Yeah, that’s it,” he nodded. “That was a cool interview, I really liked it.”

“Aw thanks,” Dan smiled. “I’m glad you thought it was a good one.”

Alec looked like he was about to say something when he got interrupted by people saying they were ready for everyone to go on set, so they all went and sat on the two couches facing Phil’s chair.

“I just want to start by thanking each of you for being here today,” Phil said, looking at everyone, and Dan couldn’t tell if he imagined it or if his eyes had lingered on him just a second longer. 

He was very thankful for the makeup he had on, that should be enough to hide the sudden redness in his cheeks. Maybe he should find a way to deal with that more effectively, that was starting to become a regular problem.

The interview continued as usual, if it wasn’t for the fact that Dan had to focus just a little harder to give answers that made any sense, and keep the words from tumbling out of his mouth in a neverending cascade. He was glad there were other people with him too, it was easier when he could redirect the questions to people who were more affected by a subject than him. That’s what he usually did anyway, so that wouldn’t look odd to anyone, he just wished he could be paying more attention to what the others were saying but his brain didn’t seem to get the memo.

It was over soon enough, even if it had felt like a thousand years, and he held back a sigh of relief as he stepped off the set. He really needed to pull himself together, he thought, that could’ve been a disaster. He quickly said goodbye to everyone, promising Alec they’d have to hang out again at some point without waiting another six months, and he was just about to leave, walking down the hallway, when he heard someone calling after him. And, sure enough, he turned around to see Phil jogging towards him.

“Hey,” he said, slightly out of breath. “Sorry, I don’t mean to keep you if you’re busy, it’s just that I’ve barely had a chance to say hi earlier, and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m rude.”

Dan bit back a laugh. “It’s fine, I saw you were busy. And, honestly, I know well enough to know you’re not that rude, anyway.”

“Glad to hear it, then,” Phil smiled at him. “Also, I wanted to ask, what would you say about grabbing a coffee together, at some point? Off the record,” he added.

“Oh, I- yeah, sure, of course,” Dan stuttered. “I mean- I’ll be away for a few weeks but after that sure, that would be great,” he said, more calmly.

“Awesome!” Phil beamed, and Dan would’ve sworn his heart had just skipped a beat. “Can I ask where you’re going?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m just going on a holiday with my mum and my grandma in France for two weeks. Don’t ask me where exactly, because I don’t remember,” he said, sticking his tongue out. “I think we’re going to Paris, and then somewhere in the south, but that’s it.”

‘That’s nice, I’m sure you’ll have a great time! I haven’t been to France in so long, I went once with my aunt like, what, ten years ago or something? I barely remember anything at this point,” Phil shook his head.

“I promise I’ll tell you all about it over that coffee,” Dan said. “Might even bring you a souvenir if I feel like it.”

“Sounds good to me!” Phil said. “Oh, maybe I should give you my number, that would make things easier.”

“Yeah, you’re right, there you go,” Dan handed Phil his phone and watched him enter his number, sending himself a quick text so he’d have Dan’s number too.

“Alright, I won’t keep you any longer, I have to get back to work,” Phil grimaced. “Enjoy your vacation!”

“Thanks! I will,” Dan said. “See you when I get back then!”

He waved at Phil and turned around, walking away towards the exit. He couldn’t get this stupid little grin off his face, but maybe he could feel good about this for a moment. He was looking forward to the next few weeks.

*

He really should’ve known that a holiday with his mum and his grandma wouldn’t exactly be very relaxing, and of course they had decided to spend their two weeks visiting as many things as possible. But he didn’t mind that much, if he would’ve liked to get a few days to just chill, he had started to like exploring places, so he was actually quite looking forward to it.

They had planned to spend the first week in Paris, being perfect tourists and visiting every monument and places they could possibly fit into their schedule.

If he had been looking forward to discovering all of these unique places, he quickly found that it wasn't going to be so easy. He kept finding details, small things that reminded him of Phil and he'd take a picture without thinking, vaguely telling himself he would send it to him when they were back at the hotel and had wifi again. He never did, though, as every time he went to text Phil, he realized he was probably busy and had better things to do than look at pictures of the giant stairs in Montmartre, and Dan didn't want to bother him. He'd text Quinn instead, just a little more than usual, and he was sure they knew something was going on but they didn't mention it.

Today was no different, they had just gotten back from visiting the catacombs and Dan had excitedly typed an entire text about it to Phil, before stopping to look at it for a second, and deleting it all with a frustrated groan, letting his phone fall on the couch next to him. After four days of this going on, the whole thing was getting old.

"Is everything alright, dear?" 

He looked up at his mum sat on the chair on the other side of the coffee table, and forced himself to smile. 

"Yeah, of course. I'm just a little tired, that's all." 

She hummed, obviously not convinced but not pushing any further. 

His phone buzzed and there was a text from Quinn, that just said "alright heart eyes howell". When he asked what that was about, they only replied with "the interview" and a link. He clicked on it and it lead to the interview he'd done with Alec and the others. 

"Oh, is that your last interview?" his mum asked, standing up to walk over to him. "I didn't know it was already up." 

Dan shrugged. "I think Phil had told me it would be out today, I just forgot. Quinn sent it to me."

He pressed play and they both watched it in silence, but by the end, he still had no idea what Quinn was talking about. 

"Well that was nice," his mum said, nudging him. "This Phil seems to be doing a good job."

"Yeah, he's pretty cool. And it's nice to be on set with him, he's nice," Dan said. 

She hummed again, in the way she did when she had something on her mind but wouldn't say what. He just shrugged it off and pulled up his chat with Quinn. 

"what the hell are you on about?" 

"Did you watch the interview? You don't see it?" 

He rolled his eyes. 

"yeah i watched it and what am i supposed to see anyway?" 

"Dude, you're lucky I like you because you're dumb as a brick. The way you look at Phil!" 

"what about it? the guy's in front of me what else do you want me to do" 

"Oh my god, you're unbelievable. I give up."

Dan frowned, reading the texts again. Quinn was making no sense, he just looked a little tired on the interview but, to be fair, he was. He shook his head. Maybe they were just messing with him, he wouldn't be surprised. He stifled a yawn. Tomorrow was going to be a long day. 

The next week didn't seem to be going any better, if anything it had almost been worse. Along with being frustrated with himself, he was now very aware of the questioning looks his mum and his grandma were giving him, too frequently for his liking. 

They'd just gotten back from Alba la Romaine, barely a small town surrounded by vineyards where they'd visited the castle and had some - amazing - ice cream, and they were now back to the little flat they were renting for the week, but Dan was getting more than tired of the glances the two women were exchanging, like they knew something he didn't. He stood up suddenly, mumbling an excuse about needing some air and stepped outside, sitting down on the steps of the front door where he should still have wifi, and his phone was against his ears before he knew it. 

"Hello?" 

Phil's voice washed over him like a soothing wave, but then again, anyone who wasn't his mum or grandma would've probably had the same effect. 

"Hi? Sorry, am I bothering you?" Dan bit his lip nervously. 

"No, not at all! I was just surprised," Phil said, and there was a smile in his voice. "How's France treating you?" 

"Honestly? I'm dying. It's like 30 degrees every day, I think I'm slowly melting."

"Don't forget to stay hydrated!" he sounded so serious that Dan couldn't help but laugh. "I mean it! Don't think you can bail on me for that coffee just because you got heat exhaustion and dehydration." 

"Wouldn't dream of it," Dan assured him, smiling to himself. "I know you wouldn't give up that easily." 

"Good," Phil chuckled. "Because I want the full story of your French trip." 

"I think you'd like it here," he said, hearing the way his voice turned softer and not exactly hating it. "I mean, living here would be a nightmare, you have to go so far to find anything to do," he laughed, "but for just a few days, it's quite nice. It's quiet, and pretty. Lots of green spaces going on for miles." 

"That does sound nice," Phil said after a second. "Maybe you'll have to show me around someday, you're basically an expert now." 

Dan hummed, ignoring the warmth appearing across his cheeks. The cicadas singing in the trees were so loud it didn't even seem real. 

"Maybe, if you're nice. How's life back in London?" 

"Busy," Phil sighed, "as usual. You caught me in a rare moment of calm, actually." 

"Oh, sorry, if you want me to let you-" 

"Dan," he interrupted him, sounding amused. "that's not what I meant. It's nice, talking to you. London's a lot less fun when I don't run into you in the most random places."

Dan could feel his face growing warmer, but it was probably just from the sun that was still high in the sky. 

"If we don't somehow meet the second I get out of the plane, I will be very disappointed in the universe." 

"The universe, huh? What happened to luck?" 

He could hear the smile in Phil's voice, and there was a grin appearing on his own face. 

"Same thing," he shrugged. 

"Sure," Phil said, teasing. 

“Daniel!” 

Dan sighed. He couldn’t ignore his grandma calling him from inside.

"I’m sorry, I have to go," Dan said reluctantly. 

"Oh, of course! When are you coming back home?" 

"We're flying back on Saturday, August 31st." 

"That's just three days away," Phil's voice somehow still sounded so gentle, even over the phone. "You'll be back to a more moderate weather before you know it." 

"Yeah," Dan said. "You're right. Thank you." 

"Sure!" Phil’s smile was obvious, even through the phone. "Talk to you soon then." 

"Yeah," Dan repeated. "Talk to you soon." 

He hung up and went back inside, and if his grandma noticed the subtle smile he couldn't get off his face, she didn't say anything. 

*

It took a few more days after Dan was back for their schedules to align on September 5th afternoon, and Dan was now heading towards the coffee shop where he was meeting Phil. He was a little nervous, oddly enough, knowing that it was just Phil made his panicked heart race a little less. 

Dan saw Phil through the glass door when he walked in, and he quickly took his order before joining him. 

"Hi," Phil smiled when he sat down. 

"Hey! It's so good to be back to London's shitty weather," Dan sighed, relieved, "you should be grateful you can breathe without feeling like you're inside an oven."

Phil laughed at that. "Oh believe me, I am. Every day." 

"As you should," Dan nodded approvingly. 

"Now, please do tell everything that happened while you were abroad." 

Dan grinned and cleared his throat for a more dramatic effect, before starting to talk. 

Time flew by quicker that he realized. Talking about every funny thing that happened on the trip took longer than expected, from the time they got lost in Paris because his mum mixed up the french words for left and right to the one when he'd nearly dropped his phone in a river because a bumblebee had flown into his hand and startled him. Somehow, Dan made Phil laugh each time. 

"You have the weirdest adventures," Phil said, wiping away a tear. "I mean, at least you couldn't have been bored if you had wanted to." 

"That's for sure," Dan snorted. "Oh, and before I forget, I brought you something." 

"Wh- oh my God, Dan, you shouldn't have!" Phil protested. 

"Come on, it's not much," he said, taking a small box out of his bag and handing it to Phil. "First things first, there you go." 

He watched Phil open the box and smiled at the laugh he let out. 

"Gay macarons, of course," Phil shook his head with a bright grin. "I should've known. I love them, thanks," he said, looking back up at Dan, eyes still shining with laughter. 

"But that's not all," Dan stopped him. "Alright, careful, that one's a bit delicate," he warned, getting the second package out and placing it on the table. 

Phil gently tore off the paper around it and Dan noticed the way his eyes widened just a little when he saw what was inside. 

"It's a vintage copy of Alice in Wonderland," he explained as Phil cautiously examined the book. "In french, obviously, sorry about that. I got it from one of the bouquinistes , you know these little book sellers with the green boxes along the Seine? They have lots of amazing things, but I thought you might like this one." 

"I love it," Phil beamed, and he stood up, before taking Dan's hand and pulling him onto his feet and then into a hug in one swift motion. "Thank you." 

A giggle slipped out instead of a coherent response, and he briefly wondered if Phil could feel his heart beating just a little bit too loud in his chest. 

"You're welcome," he said eventually, when they stepped apart, after just a few seconds that each felt like an eternity. "I'm glad you like it." 

"I love it," Phil repeated. 

"We should do this more often," Dan said suddenly. "Getting coffee together, I mean. I know we're both always busy but, I'm sure we could figure something out. This was nice." 

"We really should," Phil said. "That would be great." 

"Okay, great, that's settled then" Dan smiled back, maybe slightly relieved. He glanced at the time and made a face. "Ah, I'll have to go now, Quinn's going to kill me if I'm late again, but tell me when you're up for this again!" 

"Will do," Phil nodded. "Now go, before you get in trouble. 

Dan flashed him a grin, quickly grabbing his things and throwing a "Talk to you soon!" behind his shoulder as he hurried towards the door, heart still beating just a little faster than usual. 

*

If Dan had thought his schedule was busy, that was nothing compared to what it was like now. They'd finally started rehearsals for the next play he was in, Dom Juan, and it had been so long since he'd been in a play that he was working extra hard to make sure he was doing well. And on top of that, he was also on the press tour for his latest tv show that just came out, and when he could barely find a second to breathe he just felt like he was slowly losing his mind. 

It looked like Quinn was getting worried too, in times like these they would usually come to his place and force him to take a break, but they were extra busy as well and doing their best to meet a deadline for their next book. Not that he couldn't take care of himself on his own, but it was getting frustrating, all the same thoughts in circles in his head without being able to find a distraction. 

He's managed to see Phil a couple more times though, in the rare moments of unexpected freedom he could find. It was never for very long, they would spend maybe an hour or two chilling in a park and pretending they knew all the flowers' names, or in a library searching for the books with the weirdest titles and desperately trying not to burst out with laughter. And maybe it wasn't much, but it was enough to make him feel ready to get back to work, and determined to give it his best. 

Phil was working on a big piece as well, he didn't tell him much about it but Dan knew it was weighing on his mind a bit so he was doing his best to distract him when they were together, or by sending him memes with no context at random times throughout the day. That wasn't much either, but that was all he could think to do, and it seemed to be working fairly well so far. Phil had told him he was leaving for ten days at the beginning of October, heading to the United States to continue the work on his story, so Dan wanted to make the most of the time they had left. 

*

Dan couldn't hold back a yawn when he finally got home, locking the door behind him and letting his bag hit the floor. He walked to the kitchen and hauled himself up onto the breakfast bar, checking the time on his phone. 10:32pm. He groaned, falling back until his was lying against the flat surface. He sighed. Rehearsal had gone on for so long today and he was so deeply exhausted he didn't even feel like he could walk to his bed. 

He stayed there for a while, not moving, simply listening to the sounds coming in from the streets, engine noises and car horns mixing into a distant cacophony. He couldn't tell why the silence felt so unfamiliar, so out of place. It wasn't like there usually was much activity in here. 

He pushed himself back up, checking his phone once more. 10:57pm. He really should move and head to bed, but found himself opening his messages instead, finger hovering over Phil's profile. Counting quickly, he knew it was just about 6pm over there. Phil was probably busy. He texted Quinn instead, asking if they'd be free to hang out the next day, smiling when the answer was positive. Now, he really needed to get some sleep before he ended up passed out on the breakfast bar. That had happened more than once, somehow, and he could say it wasn't exactly comfortable. 

He didn't wake up until half past eleven, heavy and dreamless sleep leaving him nearly as tired as before. That was a good start to the day. He groaned, dragging himself out of bed to go make some coffee, he was going to need it today. He was just glad to have the day off, he really needed to relax and just chill with Quinn for a bit. There was a text from Phil when he checked his notifications, complaining that he couldn't sleep because it was too warm. Dan smiled down at his phone, quickly replying that he should just sleep in a bathtub full of ice next time. 

Quinn greeted him with a bright smile when they opened the door to their flat. 

"Hey! You're almost not late," they said. 

Dan pouted sheepishly. "Rehearsal dragged on forever yesterday, and I slept in this morning. Sorry." 

"It's fine," they laughed. "Come on in. Want to drink anything?" 

"I'm good, thanks." 

"You know where everything is, anyway," Quinn shrugged, walking him to the living room and plopping down on a sofa. 

"How's the book doing?" Dan asked, taking a seat as well. 

"Oh I'm steadily on the way to lose my entire mind," they said, "but it's doing pretty well so far, surprisingly enough. Sent it to my editor on time by some miracle, so I'm pretending I have my shit together for now." 

"That's good!" Dan grinned. "I knew you'd make it." 

"Yeah yeah," Quinn closed their eyes but they couldn't hide the fondness in their smile. "What about you? Are you okay? Because you look like shit, no offense." 

"None taken," he sighed. "I'm just- I'm just tired, you know how rehearsals can get. We're almost over the worst part, maybe I can sleep again soon." 

Quinn sat up to look at him. 

"No, it's not that. Well, not just that at least. You forget I've seen you after rehearsal for years love, and it is bad, I'll give you that, but there's something else." 

He sighed again, of frustration this time, pressing the heel of his hands against his eyes. 

"Dan," he could hear the concern in their voice, and it just made him feel worse. "Talk to me?" 

"I don't- I don't know, Quinn," he admitted, looking back at them. "I just… everything feels weird but I don't know why and I- I don't know what to do." 

"Hey, it's fine," Quinn got up to come sit next to him, wrapping an arm around him and rubbing his shoulder for a second or two. “I got you, yeah? We’ll figure this out.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, giving them a grateful smile.

“Don’t mention it. In the meantime, can I interest you in playing a video game? You get to pick which one, because I’m an awesome friend.”

Dan laughed and ruffled their hair before standing up, ignoring their protestations, and went to look through the games they owned.

“You’re cheating!” Quinn exclaimed, letting the controller fall on their lap.

“Am not! You’re just that bad,” Dan said, laughing.

“That’s just not true, I’m sure you’re cheating and I’ll prove it,” they mumbled.

Dan bit back another teasing remark. It was well into the evening now, maybe 10 or 11pm, they’d agreed on Dan staying the night since he didn’t have anywhere to be in the morning. They had ordered pizzas, the cardboard boxes lying empty on the table while they played some mario kart - and of course, Quinn was being a sore loser, like always. His phone buzzed against his leg and he checked what is was, smile blooming on his lips when he saw Phil’s name on the screen. He’d sent a picture of himself holding a bag of ice in front of the hotel bathtub, with a caption saying that he was ready to face the heat now. Dan couldn’t help but smack his palm against his forehead, somehow not surprised that Phil had actually gone through with it.

“Dan?”

“Yeah, sorry, just give me a second,” he said, typing a quick reply to Phil warning him that he couldn’t blame him if he got ill. “Okay, I’m back, ready for your failed revenge?” 

He felt lighter suddenly, stupid smile stuck to his face. Quinn didn’t move towards their controller, just looking at him with an expression he couldn’t quite decipher.

“That was Phil, right?”

“Yeah?” he raised an eyebrow. “How do you know?”

“Because,” they rolled their eyes, “you’ve got that dumb lovestruck look on your face whenever you think about him, or talk about him, or talk to him.”

“I don’t!” he tried to protest.

“Are you seriously still in denial about it? God, Dan, you’re even more of a disaster than I thought,” they laughed. “Alright then, sure. So you don’t like him. How are you feeling now?”

“Good,” Dan said honestly. “Like- I don’t know, the weight on my chest is gone?”

“Mhmm. And what changed since earlier?”

“Well I’ve been hanging out with you, that’s always good,” he shrugged.

“Nah,” Quinn shook their head. “You still looked down like, five minutes ago. When did that change?”

He shrugged again. “I don’t know, I guess when I got Phil’s…” he trailed off, eyes widening as the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. “Oh, shit.”

“Aaaand there we go,” Quinn beamed, clapping in their hands a few times. 

Dan didn’t react, his mind going back to all the times he’d met with Phil and the way his chest felt so light and filled with bubbles, or how his cheeks always hurt from smiling and laughing and all the blushing and- oh shit, he was so, so screwed.

“So, what are you going to do, now that you’ve finally come to your senses?” they asked, curiosity shining in their eyes.

"Have I really been that obvious?" he asked, and even he could hear the defeat in his own voice. 

"A little," Quinn shrugged. "But hey, I know you pretty well by now you know so, that helps too. But, yeah, you haven't exactly been very discreet. What's the plan now then?" 

“I don’t know… nothing? Hope he doesn’t notice?” he said, running a hand through his hair to calm his nerves.

“What- What do you mean, hope he doesn’t notice?”

“Well, uh, he obviously doesn’t like me back, right? I just don’t want to embarrass myself or ruin everything,” he mumbled.

Quinn blinked a few times, looking like they were ready to give up on him and just go lie down on the floor for fifteen minutes.

“You are the most oblivious person I have ever known,” they said eventually. “I thought I knew how much of a mess you were when it comes to relationships but, boy, this is a level you’ve never reached before.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning in confusion.

“You’ll see,” they sighed, “just… don’t worry too much about it, okay? Just let things happen."

"I guess," Dan sighed too. "What would I do without you, huh?" 

"You'd be even more of a mess," Quinn smiled, reaching over to ruffle his hair. "Good thing I'm here. When is he coming back?" 

"He said the 18th, so next friday." 

"Alright, then ask him to hang out on the 19th. I can't take any more of your moping around. Ask him," they insisted. "I can tell you want to." 

"Okay, okay," he caved in, typing the text and sending it before he changed his mind. 

It felt stupid, missing him that much after he'd been away for just a few days, but Dan had gotten used to almost constant texting and the time difference wasn't really helping right now. It would be nice to hang out again, and the dinner the better, he would admit. 

"Perfect," Quinn grinned. "Anyway, up for another race?" 

He smiled back. "You know I always am." 

He slept much better that night on Quinn’s couch, falling out of consciousness after seeing Phil’s reply saying he’d be happy to spend some time together on October 19th. He must’ve dreamed, although he didn’t remember it, because he woke up with the tiniest smile on his lips and feeling like his heart was about to explode.

*

There was a new kind of nervousness nagging at the back of Dan’s brain as he was walking towards the park where they had decided to meet, and this time it wasn’t that he regretted wearing heels. These black ankle boots really were quite comfortable, and they were bringing his whole outfit together, black checkered extra long shirt -that was surprisingly warm- over black ripped jeans. He just felt… hyper aware of everything, from the way he was walking to the rhythm of his breathing, and he was sure he’d be even more awkward than usual.

He instantly broke into a smile when he saw Phil further ahead, heading towards him, and waved at him, watching the way he waved back. Phil pulled him into a quick hug as soon as they were close enough, and Dan just laughed softly. He loved the sweater Phil was wearing, grey with large roses on the sleeves, and it was very soft to the touch. 

“Hey,” he said when they stepped apart.

“Hey,” Phil said, and Dan could see him rubbing the cuffs of the sweater. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” Dan replied, already feeling the familiar blush creeping up his neck.

That was going to be a long afternoon. There was a glint in Phil’s eyes that Dan didn’t quite recognize, maybe close to amusement but not quite. 

"So, ready to get spooky?" Phil asked, wiggling his eyebrows, making Dan laugh. 

"Oh you know I am," he flashed a grin. "Spooky season is the best season." 

"Can't argue with that," Phil smiled as well. "Let's go then!" 

The haunted house they were going to was a bit further away and Dan had never been there before, so he was honestly pretty excited. On the way there, Phil was telling him all about his few days in Florida, and he told him he brought him a little gift back but he wanted to wait until they were out of the house. Dan's excitement seemed to only grow stronger. He was just listening to Phil talk, about the headache he got from the ice bath (“Phil, I told you it was a joke and you’d get sick!” “It worked though!”) and how weird it was to change time zones and suddenly be so far away from everyone he knew back home. Dan briefly wondered if that included him, but they were at the house before he could think about it for too long.

There was barely anyone there, one of the perks of coming here in the middle of the afternoon, so they both got their tickets and stepped in, staring down the dark corridor ahead before starting to walk. Dan could barely see anything.

“I didn’t ask,” Phil said, “but how easily scared are you? I know anything can make me jump,” he added with a quiet chuckle.

“Honestly, it depends I guess? It can get me pretty good but not alw- oh what the fuck ,” he cut himself off when he felt something brush against his neck, immediately jumping to the side.

He heard Phil laugh loudly and couldn’t hold back a smile, moving closer again to hit him on the arm.

“Fuck off, you scared me!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil was still laughing, “I couldn’t resist.”

“I should’ve known doing this with you would be a mistake,” Dan shook his head. “You’re the real horror here.”

“Hey!” Phil protested, the smile in his voice too obvious for him to sound any serious.

Dan just rolled his eyes and they kept walking, he could feel Phil tensing up so slightly whenever there was a strange noise coming from nearby, but nothing had really happened for a while and Dan was starting to think nothing would happen. Just then, of course, he felt something grab his ankle and couldn’t hold back a scream, scrambling to get away from whatever the hell that was and nearly crashing into Phil who was doing the same thing, and Dan instinctively held onto his arm. They looked at each other for a few seconds, close enough that Dan could see the blue of Phil’s eyes even in the dark, before they both dissolved into a fit of giggles.

“Shit, that nearly gave me a heart attack,” Phil said, hand on his chest. “Look how fast my it’s beating,” he took Dan’s hand and placed it over his heart, his own hand over it.

He could feel the strong heartbeat under his fingers, and the warmth on the back of his neck.

“Don’t die on me,” he said, nervous chuckle escaping from his lips. “I’m afraid my CPR technique is quite rusty, I don’t think I’d be of much help.”

Phil laughed and took his hand off his chest, letting Dan’s slowly slide off his arm before catching it in his, fingers interlocking. Dan forgot how to breathe for a second

They kept walking, laughing at how easily they were jumpscared, hands holding the other just a little tighter every time, until they eventually reached the end. Dan blinked a few times to adjust to the light again.

“Can I tempt you in grabbing something to eat?” Phil asked, arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun. “I think I need some extra carbs after all that.”

“You know me, always,” Dan smiled. “Did you have an idea where you wanted to go?”

“Oh no, not really. What are you thinking?”

“There’s usually a food truck a bit further over there,” he said, pointing the direction. “There’s a theatre nearby I’ve played a couple times, we would always get our food in that food truck, it’s so good.”

“Sounds great to me,” Phil nodded. “Let’s go then, you lead the way.”

Dan smiled again and headed towards the end of the street, rambling on about how cool the truck was. He didn’t realize he was still holding Phil’s hand until they got there, and he felt himself blushing furiously when he let it go, pretending he needed to scratch the back of his neck. He saw the smirk on Phil’s face as he ordered, before stumbling on words when it was his turn. 

They took their food and went back to the park, sitting down on a bench would make eating much easier than just standing in the street. Dan’s face still felt uncomfortably warm even if he tried not to show anything.

“You were right,” Phil said after taking a bite. “That is delicious.”

“See? I told you, it’s honestly one of my favourite places. Perfect after being scared half to death in a haunted house,” Dan said, biting into his portion.

“Yeah,” Phil laughed, “That’s exactly what I was thinking. It was nice, though.”

“Oh yeah, I loved it! I just don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet.”

They kept chatting for a while longer, until they’ve finished eating since a long time and the sun was starting to be low in the sky. 

“Oh, before I forget,” Phil said suddenly, looking through his bag before taking out a little box covered in wrapping paper. “There’s your Florida gift,” he added, handing it to Dan.

He took it and carefully unwrapped it, laughing as he lifted the rainbow Mickey ears.

“I asked a friend to get them for me in June,” Phil explained, “so I’d get them the next time I would stop by. Felt like an appropriate gift after the gay macarons you got me.”

“I love them,” Dan said, putting them on and grinning at Phil. “They’re great.”

*

They kept hanging out a lot more somehow, now that Phil is back, seeing each other almost every time they were both free, and going on what Dan called non-dates since Quinn kept insisting they were real dates. They just liked to spend time together, going to museums and aquariums when they had enough time. They had gone bowling once, and Phil nearly knocked himself out twice, and they'd both decided it might be better to stay away from any potential hazards. 

Most often though, their days were still really busy, so they had gotten into the habit of grabbing coffee together really early in the morning, before each heading to work, or sometimes late in the evening, after they were both done for the day. Dan loved it, quiet hours filled with quiet laughter and warm drinks and drawing in the condensation on the windows. 

And he knew about the rumors that were starting to appear online, but he had been expecting them. There had been more than one occasion where people recognized him when Phil was there, or vice versa, and he'd had to avoid enough questions about it when one of them inevitably ended up in the other's instagram stories. They weren't exactly good at being stealthy, shockingly, but neither of them really cared about what anyone else said at this point.

Not that it was stopping him from freaking out in Quinn's texts whenever they hung out because he was sure he'd ruin everything there was between them. Quinn told him once they had never more strongly wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, and honestly, he believed them. He was still going to them to scream every time, though. He liked to live dangerously. 

The latest thing Phil and him had been doing was watching shows at the same time, each at their place, and live texting their reactions to everything happening. They'd been doing that with Good Omens most recently, only one or two episodes a time because they did need to sleep at some point, and Dan had been absolutely loving the show so far. Phil kept comparing them to Crowley and Aziraphale, and Dan was trying very hard not to think too much about what that entailed.  

*

December was there before he knew it, with a disappointing lack of snow, and soon enough, it was the 23rd and Dan was on the train home for the holidays. 

Phil had gone up north the day before, and he just kept bragging about the snow they had on the Isle of Man, which always made Dan roll his eyes, but he couldn't hold back a smile either. 

His mum enveloped him in a warm hug as soon as he stepped on the platform and insisted on helping him with his bag - he'd learned a long time ago that there was no use in resisting, she always got what she wanted. The car ride home was nice, just chatting with her with Christmas songs on the radio like a background noise, same as every year since he was a kid. They both had always loved the holiday season, probably the most out of everyone else in the family. Dan took on the title proudly. 

His grandma was already there when they arrived, the other family members arriving the next day. 

He went up to his childhood bedroom and started to unpack, taking the opportunity to text Phil quickly and let him know he'd made it home fine. He'd barely had the time to send it before being dragged back downstairs to help with getting everything ready, and he was given tree decorating duty - again, like every year. 

The rest of the day went by in a bit of a blur, a whirlwind of preparations and making sure everything was set up for the guests arriving the next day, and he could only breathe again when he finally crashed face-first onto his bed. He always forgot how exhausting it was, being here for the holidays, but he wasn't complaining too much. It was still nice, he didn't see his family that much so that was a good occasion to catch in any family drama he might have missed. 

His phone buzzed, and he patted around the bed until he found it, propping himself up on his elbows to read the screen. It was a text from Phil, a picture of him posing next to a snowman, with a caption that read "Look, you're here too!". Dan laughed and rolled over to lie on his back.

"you didn't even try to make it look like me, im offended" he texted back.

Phil's reply was fast. 

"I make you a snowman because I miss you and you're just mean about it? Rude."

He giggled.

"aw you miss me"

"Who else am I going to talk about gay things with, all my family's straight"

"tough life buddy. only a gay phonecall away though"

"Funny how I suddenly don't miss you at all"

"good because im busy all week sorry" 

"I expect to hear nothing from you then! Finally time to rest" 

"oh shut up" 

Dan laughed again and let his phone fall on the bed next to him, looking at the ceiling, a fuzzy feeling spreading in his chest. He could get through a few days without talking to Phil constantly, he thought. He really was going to be busy, anyway, it shouldn't be that hard. 

Apparently, he couldn't. Somehow, over the last day he'd found himself texting Phil every second he was free, biting his lip to stop himself from laughing at a message more often than he'd like to admit. He was pretty sure everyone in the family had noticed, but at least nobody had said anything about it. He was grateful for that, he wouldn't have known what to answer anyway, he hardly knew what was going on between them. Probably nothing, he kept telling himself. Nothing going on other than a good friendship. He didn't want to cave in, didn't want to get his hopes up and listen to the voice in the back of his mind murmuring that maybe, maybe it was something else than friendship, maybe friends didn't look at him the way Phil, when he knew deep down  it was nothing but a nice thought. He didn't want to think about something that would never happen. What they had right now was more than enough for him, anyway. 

He blinked a few times, just now realizing that he had been blindly staring out the window for the past ten minutes or so. There still was no snow, and if he couldn't say he was surprised, he was still a bit disappointed. It had been a while since it had snowed for Christmas here, he missed it. His mum calling him finished to pull him out of his thoughts and he joined everyone for dinner.

It was nice, spending time with family, he thought as he was laughing at a joke his uncle made. They never had been really close even when he was a kid, so the holidays had always been the time of the year when everyone came together just for a day or two. It was good, just having a dinner that was too big for anyone to finish and then piling up on a couch in front of the TV to watch a Christmas movie until they were all about to fall asleep. They'd open presents the next morning, and then most of the guests would be gone by noon. A simple routine that had been exactly the same for as long as Dan could remember, and this year was no different. There was some comfort in that. 

He headed to bed halfway through the movie, giving up on trying to force his eyes to stay open. He checked the time when he got upstairs, just past midnight, and sent a quick text to Phil that just said "merry christmas". 

Dan was up a lot earlier than usual, before anyone else. That's what he got for being the first one to go to sleep, now he had to wait for everyone to wake up. He sighed, making his way to the kitchen to make himself some coffee, jumping a little when his phone buzzed in his hand. Of course it was Phil. 

"Merry Christmas!!!" 

"it's 7am phil why are you up" 

"It's Christmas morning, I want my presents! Don't tell me you don't" 

"everyone is still asleep i'll have to wait like 15 hours before i can open mine. rip" 

"That's harsh but won't stop me from getting mine sorry! Also, just realized I haven't given you my present for you, I'll have to do that when we get back"

"yeah i have to give you mine too. when are you back home?" 

"January 6th!"

"what about the 10th then? we could do this at my place if you want" 

"Sure, that sounds great! Just text me the address later, I have to go right now, sorry, merry Christmas again!" 

"yeah, merry xmas to you too" 

A voice behind him made him jump again. 

"Well you're up early!" his mum said, smiling when he turned around. "Is it Quinn you're texting? I've never seen them up before nine, should I be worried?" 

Dan chuckled. "No, no, I'm sure Quinn's still soundly asleep, don't worry. I was just talking to Phil." 

She hummed. "Phil, is that who got you on such a state when we were on holiday?" 

He pretended to ignore the burning in his ears. "What do you mean?" 

She just raised an eyebrow and Dan sighed. 

"Yeah, okay, that was him, but it's not… like that. We're just- we're just friends, you know?" 

She nodded. "Of course, if you say so. Now, since you're here, will you help me set the breakfast table please?"

Dan could tell she didn't believe him, but there wasn't much more he could do. "Sure," he just said. 

The rest of the day went by as usual, Dan’s gifts to his mum and grandma seemed to have been spot on, and he'd gotten a black fleece blanket and a pair of rainbow socks - so the perfect presents for him. They'd spent the afternoon cleaning up and putting some order back in the house after everyone else was gone, before sitting down and playing a board game. That's how the week continued, quiet times with just the three of them playing board games and helping his grandma with her knitting, sometimes bursting out into dramatic singing along holiday songs on the radio. It had always been like this, a busy Christmas and a calm week up until New Year's, and even that was just them waiting for midnight and then calling it a day. As far as Dan was concerned, that was fine by him. This year, though, he made sure to send a text to Phil in addition to the one he always sent Quinn the moment the clock struck twelve. 

January 1st was the day to take down all the decorations and put them all back in the box under the stairs until next year, and by the next day, Dan was on the train back to London. Rehearsals wouldn’t be starting immediately, but a few of the actors had agreed on meeting up before they did to go through their lines together. It was time to get back to work. 

*

Dan nearly tripped on his own feet when the doorbell rang, almost falling over in his haste to get to the door. He took a deep breath, eyes quickly scanning the room to make sure he hadn't left anything that shouldn't be there - he'd frantically cleaned the whole flat earlier but hey, you could never be too careful - before finally opening. 

"Hey," he said, trying to hide that he was slightly out of breath. "Please, come in," he added, giving him a quick hug before stepping aside. "Can I take your coat?" 

"Oh sure, thank you," Phil shrugged it off and handed it to him with a smile. "Where do you want me to put your gift?" 

"Ah, you can just put it on the table over there, in the living room!" he said over his shoulder, hanging up Phil’s jacket behind the door. "Make yourself at home. Do you want anything to drink? Or do you want to open the gifts now?" 

"Come here, let's do the gifts first! Then we can just watch a movie or something, yeah?" 

"Sure, I'd like that," Dan said, walking back to the living room and taking his gift for Phil from the table to hand it to him. "There you go, open yours first. You're the guest," he added, raising an eyebrow when it looked like Phil was about to protest. 

Phil rolled his eyes, but took the present from Dan's hands, and sat on the chair next to him. Dan was looking at him attentively, trying to figure out what Phil was thinking as he carefully unwrapped the paper around the box, watching as a wide grin appeared on his face when he saw what was inside. 

"Aw, a glitter lava lamp?" Phil looked up at him, and Dan felt like he could get lost in the soft crinkles in the corner of his eyes. "That's so cute, thank you! I love it. Your turn now," he added, motioning towards the gift left on the table. 

"Okay, okay," Dan said, grabbing the box and slowly taking off the wrapping paper, until he could open the tiny cardboard box. 

There was a black mug inside, and he barely had the chance to take it out before Phil excitedly spoke up. 

"You should put some hot water in it," he suggested, and by now Dan knew better than to question him when he had that familiar glint in his eye that meant he was planning something. 

So he didn't protest, just walked to the kitchen and filled the mug with warm water, and he couldn’t help but laugh when the black faded into a rainbow with the heat.

“So, what do you think?” Phil asked, and Dan turned around to see him leaning against the door frame. “It reminded me of you.”

“It’s perfect,” he smiled. “I think you just found a mug that represents my whole personality.”

“Good,” Phil smiled back. “That was the plan.”

Dan set the mug on the counter and took a few steps forward, pulling Phil into a hug for a few seconds.

“Thank you,” he said.

Phil chuckled softly. 

"You're welcome, thank you," he pressed a quick kiss on Dan's cheek before stepping away. "Movie?" 

"Y-Yeah, I mean, sure, yeah," Dan stammered, doing all he could to contain the blush he could feel creeping up his neck, and he could've sworn there was the hint of a smirk playing on Phil's lips. "Do you- why don't you pick the movie? I'll get the drinks, what would you like? Oh, I think I have popcorn somewhere too, if you want?" 

"That sounds perfect," Phil grinned. "And I'll have whatever you have, don't worry." 

"Okay, does Ribena sounds good?" Dan felt like he'd just ran a marathon or two, breath getting stuck in his throat as he desperately tried to keep himself together. 

"Perfect," Phil said again. "Ok, I'll go pick the movie now," he added before walking away. 

Dan let out a long sigh as soon as he was out of view, holding himself up against the kitchen counter for a second. There was something raging in his chest, fiery bubbles whirling around and making his head spin. It took him a moment to find his breath again, his mind slowly becoming clearer. He hated how easily he got flustered around Phil, but loved it at the same time - it had been so long since he'd felt that vulnerable to anyone, if not never. He liked the duality, how effortlessly comfortable it was to be around him and yet how a single word or gesture could instantly turn him into a fumbling mess. 

He prepared the Ribena and the microwave popcorn, dangerously balancing the large bowl over his arm as he walked back to the living room. Phil stood up from the couch immediately to come help him. 

"I saw you had the Wall-E dvd on a shelf and now I'm nostalgic," he pouted almost apologetically, and Dan knew he couldn't refuse him anything when he was making that face. "What do you say?" 

"Absolutely fine by me," Dan said, setting down the two glasses on the coffee table. "As long as you don't mind seeing me cry every tear I have, because that's what usually happens when I watch that." 

Phil laughed a little. "No judgment here," he promised, "I mean I'll probably cry too, so I really can't say anything." 

Dan chuckled and walked over to dim the lights and put the movie on before going to sit on the sofa, suddenly sharply aware of Phil's leg very close to his. If he pretended not to notice, maybe he would forget about it. 

It ended up like Dan had predicted, Phil wiping a few tears away and him fully sobbing in a pillow. 

"Next time," Phil said when Dan's hiccups had finally stopped, after a minute or two of slowly rubbing his back "we have to watch something less emotional, that was… too much." 

Dan nodded, breath suddenly knocked out of him again. Next time. 

*

Next time turned out to be Phil's birthday, just twenty days later. Dan was there early, Phil had asked him to come help setting everything up because he was late and very disorganized, and of course Dan had said yes. So there he was, mentally preparing himself to knock. He'd gone for a more casual look, like he hadn't spent a good thirty minutes putting it all together, with his black and white striped jumper under a light white over shirt, paired with black jeans and white ankle boots with a square heel - he wasn't trying to fall and break his leg, that would be a bad way to start the party. 

"Come in, it's open!" he heard Phil shout from inside. 

He pushed open the door and walked in, heading towards the living room before carefully setting his bag on the ground. Everything was very… Phil, in a way, shelves full of trinkets and pictures. 

"Hi," Phil said from behind him, and maybe Dan nearly had a heart attack when he turned around and saw him wearing a black and red plaid shirt that made all of his features pop. "Thanks for coming, you're saving my life." 

"Always happy to help," Dan managed to say with a smile, giving him a quick hug. "Happy birthday." 

"Thanks," Phil chuckled. 

He somehow hadn't noticed Phil’s glasses until he moved away and holy shit , they suited him way too well for Dan’s well being. 

"What can I do then?" Dan asked after discreetly clearing his throat. 

"Oh, could you give me a hand moving that table over there? Thank you!" 

They spent maybe an hour or two getting everything ready, and Dan was finishing up in the living room when the doorbell rang. 

"Can you get that?" Phil called out. "I'm kinda elbow-deep in flour." 

"I got it," he laughed, walking over to the door and opening it with a smile for the three people behind it. "Hi! Sorry, Phil's busy in the kitchen but he'll be right there. He's just a terrible host," he said as if in confidence, breaking into a grin as Phil protested in the distance. "But come in, let me take your things- there you go. My name's Dan, by the way." 

They smiled back at him and gave their names, that Dan immediately forgot - his memory could be pretty bad on that point. He just had time to lead them into the living room before someone else was at the door, and the same thing kept happening for a solid ten minutes. 

"Quinn!" he said, relieved to see a familiar face behind the door. 

"Hey," they grinned, giving him a hug. "Tell me why you’re greeting people at Phil's birthday party?" 

"He's busy in the kitchen," Dan shrugged. "So I'm on guest duty." 

"I'm not going to say anything," Quinn shook their head, hand lifted up as a sign they were just giving up and they walked past him into the living room with everyone else. 

Dan was about to join them when someone else knocked at the door, and he held back a sigh as he greeted them too. 

"Hi! Phil's in the kitchen, he'll be right there-" 

"I'm here, I'm here," Phil appeared at his side, putting an arm on his shoulder like he was an armrest. Dan just rolled. "Sorry, everything's ready now. Hey Lucy, I'm glad you could make it! I'll take your coat, everyone's in the living room.” 

Lucy smiled and thanked him before walking into the room. 

"I got it from here," Phil smiled at him, "thank you!" 

"What would you do without me?" Dan shook his head. 

"Hey, I'd manage perfectly fine, thank you very much! You're mean, go away," he pretended to pout.

Dan laughed and he couldn't resist the urge of ruffling his hair, promptly escaping to the living room before Phil had a chance to retaliate. 

The party lasted a while. After the mini pastries Phil had made, they had ordered enough pizza to feed a small army, and completed a few Mario kart tournaments - Dan had won most of them, except the one where Quinn and Phil joined forces to distract him and keep him from seeing the screen. He wasn't sure he liked this new alliance. 

It was quieter now, Phil had opened his presents - his face had lit up when he saw the two air plants Dan had gotten him, one for home and one for his office he'd said, and maybe he hugged him for just a second longer than necessary. Now, they'd all settled on various seats around the coffee table and started playing a boardgame. It was already pretty late, maybe one or two in the morning, Dan wasn't sure and he couldn't check since his phone had died a while ago, and with Phil sitting next to him on the couch, it was taking everything in him to resist the temptation of cuddling against him. He was so focused on pretending he couldn't feel Phil's leg pressed against his and the warmth radiating from it, that he didn't immediately register that there was something on his shoulder - and when he did, and looked over at what it was to see Phil's head nestled in the crook of his neck, the whirlwind of messy thoughts left his mind all at once, the only thing still in his brain being the windows error noise. He caught Quinn's eyes across the room, looking at him with an eyebrow raised, and he debated staying like this or moving for a second, before gently shrugging to get him to move. 

Phil groaned in protestation. "But you're comfy," he whined. 

"I'm not a pillow," Dan argued, "and I would like to be able to use my arm, thank you very much." 

Phil sat up and Dan thought he'd won for a second, before Phil grabbed his arm and put it across his shoulders before falling right back where he was, except this time half laying on Dan's chest.

"There you go, now you can use your hand," Phil said, sounding very satisfied with himself. 

Dan was pretty sure he must've heard the way his heart skipped a beat. On the other side of the table, Quinn's other eyebrow shot up to join the raised one, and Dan's face was getting warmer every second. 

"Come on," he said softly, "just go to sleep if you're so tired."

"But it's my birthday!" 

"Technically not," Dan shrugged, "it's past midnight now so it's January 31st."

"Shit," Phil said after a second, and Dan bit his lip to stop himself from giggling. "Until this game's over, then?" 

"Alright," Dan rolled his eyes. "This game better be quick then," he added with a chuckle, desperately trying to ignore the tingling sensation in his fingers, just seconds away from playing with Phil's hair. 

Luckily for him, it only took a few minutes before a guy named Josh won and Phil reluctantly sat up again, for good this time, and Dan sighed in relief before standing to help put things away. He had a big day tomorrow, he couldn't stay too late, so he soon was saying his goodbyes and walking out. 

The cold air outside felt like a slap in the face, biting wind brushing away the warmth still lingering on his face. 

*

It had been a busy week, rehearsals intensifying as they were inevitably getting closer and closer to opening night, and if Dan was getting nervous, he always liked this moment when everything was starting to fall into place. That didn't mean there wasn't a good amount of work left to do, of course, but he was enjoying it. 

They were wrapping up for the day, after debriefing, when one of the makeup artists that had gone outside for a smoke came up to Dan and told him there was someone waiting for him in the hall. Dan frowned and walked out, and he shouldn't have been surprised when he saw Phil standing there, a smile lighting up his face when he noticed him. 

"Hey," he said. 

"Hey," Dan replied. "What are you doing here?" 

"Oh," Phil looked through his messenger bag for a second before pulling out a scarf. "You left this at my place on my birthday, I found it yesterday. Also, thought you could use some caffeine," he added, handing him a cup of coffee. 

"You're saving my life," Dan beamed at him, gratefully taking a sip. "Oh, I really needed that," he sighed. "And thank you for the scarf! I was starting to wonder where it could've gone." 

“You're welcome,” Phil smiled again, putting his hands in his pockets. “How's the play going?” 

“Pretty well! Very well, actually. Everyone's amazing, I can't wait to see people's reaction. You have to be there on opening night,” he pointed his finger menacingly, “or I will be very, very disappointed.”

Phil laughed. “I'll be there, I promise. Wouldn't miss that for anything.”

“Good,” Dan nodded approvingly. 

He looked behind him, everyone was still inside, and he decided to cave in to the impulsive thought that had just appeared in his mind. 

“Hey, I have a dumb idea,” he said suddenly. 

“So, a regular idea for you?” Phil raised an eyebrow. 

“Shut up,” Dan pretended to hit his shoulder. “Do you have something to do right now?” 

“Nope,” he shook his head. “I'm free as a bird,” and of course he had to imitate bird sounds for a second or two. 

Dan rolled his eyes and patiently waited until he was done. “Let's go ice skating,” he eventually said. 

He saw the smile that appeared on Phil's face and the glint in his eyes, and suddenly it didn't seem like such a bad idea. 

“Yes! I'd love that,” Phil clapped a few times in excitement. “I have to warn you that I'm going to be a disaster, though, I'm clumsy enough with my feet solidly on the ground.”

“I probably won't be much better,” Dan admitted with a chuckle. "But it's okay, we can be a mess together." 

“I could get behind that,” Phil's smile turned softer. 

“Let's go, come on,” Dan said, putting on his scarf. "The ice rink is still open but there shouldn't be too many people at this hour," he added, checking the time on his phone. 9:12pm.

Phil nodded and they both walked out, and Dan clutched his coffee cup to try to absorb some of the warmth it was radiating. They hurried, almost running, laughter echoing in the empty streets, and Dan was starting to feel lightheaded. He was glad the ice rink wasn't far, he was freezing. 

They got there soon enough, renting skates and leaving their coats on the bleachers - Dan hadn't seen the floral overcoat Phil was wearing under his winter jacket and maybe it took him a second to get over how good he looked. Flowers really suited him

Phil had been right, he was a disaster, losing his balance as soon as he stepped on the ice and nearly falling over every ten seconds or so. Dan was doing slightly better, at least he was managing to stay upright on his own, and he couldn’t help but laugh at Phil’s miserable attempts. At least there was no-one else there to witness that. Phil ended up just holding onto Dan to help himself stay somewhat stable, and Phil’s soft hand in his was distracting him more than he’d like to admit - which worked well enough until Dan felt a sudden pull on his arm and looked over just in time to see Phil falling and dragging him down with him and, before he knew it, they were both lying on their backs against  the ice and their breath knocked out of them. They laid there for a second before both bursting out laughing. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked once he’d calmed down, lifting himself up on an elbow.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Dan assured him. “You?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Come on, let’s get out of here before we actually end up getting hurt,” Phil said as he cautiously stood up.

Dan followed him, carefully skating back to the door and keeping an eye on Phil in case he fell again - he wouldn’t put it past him. But they made it back safe and sound, somehow, returned the skates and bundled up in their coats and scarves before walking back outside. 

It was colder than before, the wind almost hurting where it hit Dan’s skin on his cheekbones and wrists.

“I had a great time,” Phil smiled.

“Despite the falling over?” Dan raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll argue that it was a good thing actually, we did get a good laugh out of that.”

“You know what? You’re right,” Dan chuckled a little. “But I have to say, in the future we should probably stay away from anything that requires any kind of balance.”

“Yeah,” Phil laughed. “I think that’s more than fair.”

Dan was caught by a violent shiver and Phil moved closer, putting an arm around him and rubbed his shoulder for a bit, and Dan couldn’t quite tell if that was why the cold subsided or if it was just a result of him blushing again. 

“We should both head home before we catch something,” he said eventually.

Phil nodded, not saying anything for a while.

“We should have a movie night soon,” he spoke up suddenly. “If you’re free sometime soon?”

“Yeah, sure!” Dan smiled. “I mean, rehearsals are a mess so I’ll have to check and get back to you but, yeah, I’d love to.”

“Great! Let me know when you can then,” Phil grinned as well, taking a step back to remove his arm from Dan’s shoulders. “Text me when you get home?” he added, leaning in to drop a kiss on Dan’s cheekbone, just above his scarf.

He walked away with a wave before Dan could react, and he just stood there for a moment, blinking a few times while he felt like his brain was going to melt out of his ears. He couldn’t fight back a furious blush when it hit him that it was the second time that Phil had kissed him on the cheek, and the second time that his mind had entirely vacated his skull as a result.

He was so gone.

*

It had taken two weeks before both of them could have a free evening where they weren’t starting too early the next day, but there they finally were. Phil had made pasta carbonara and maybe Dan had eaten way too much of it but he wasn’t regretting his choice. There were watching The Breakfast Club now, not that Dan was able to pay much attention. He wasn’t exactly sure how or when his head had fallen on Phil’s shoulder, Phil’s arm around him and his fingers absentmindedly tracing abstract pattern on Dan’s shoulders, but his mind was torn between how comfortable, how normal that felt and internally screaming because there were butterflies raging in his chest and he didn’t know how to react.

He was trying his best to focus on the screen instead of the steady heartbeat he could hear coming from Phil’s chest, and every second felt like an hour and a half, a never-ending mix of heaven and hell that took up all of his thoughts.

Phil had to have noticed how restless he was, and the hand that wasn’t on Dan’s shoulder grabbed his hand gently, stopping the incessant tapping on his fingers against the couch. Dan was glad his face was pretty much hidden, so Phil wouldn’t see the blush swiftly rising across his neck and cheeks.

“Dan,” he said softly.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled. “I’ll stop.”

And he did, for a while, staying still with his mind still racing, thoughts fusing in all directions, too fast for him to keep up.

“Dan,” Phil said again, and Dan couldn’t have said if it had been five minutes or half an hour.

“Sorry, sorry,” he sighed.

“Look at me,” Phil asked, his voice low and quiet, delicately holding Dan’s chin with three fingers to help turn his head.

He barely had the chance to wonder what he was doing before Phil leaned in, and suddenly he was kissing him and the butterflies in his chest were wilder than before, which he hadn’t thought possible. He brought a hand up to cup the back of Phil’s head, and Phil’s hand on his chin moved to the side of his jaw.

He could feel how red his face was when they moved apart, a breathless giggle escaping his lips.

“There,” Phil said, eyes shining more than usual. “Now you can focus.”

“Hey!” Dan protested, making Phil laugh and he placed a kiss at the top of his head. “I’m- How long have you known?”

Phil shrugged. “Suspected it for a while, you’re not exactly very lowkey, you know,” he teased with a smirk. “But, mmh, I guess I was pretty sure when we got that coffee when you came back from France? And, actually, I think that’s when I really started catching feelings too.”

“You’ve known that long and you didn’t say anything? I’ve changed my mind, I think I hate you now,” Dan shook his head and Phil laughed again.

“What can I say, you’re cute when you’re blushing,” he said, stroking his cheek with the back of his hand, smiling when Dan’s cheeks turned red. “See? And, you’re pretty adorable when you’re flustered, it’s kinda funny.”

“Stop! This is so embarrassing,” Dan whined, hiding his face in Phil’s shoulder.

He heard Phil chuckle and felt his arms wrap around him tightly, and maybe Dan’s heart felt like it was about to burst, to overflow with happiness, and he wouldn’t change that for the world. He broke from the embrace, taking the glasses off Phil’s face and leaning forward to kiss him again.

“As fun as it was to mess with you for so long, I think I like this better,” Phil admitted when they moved apart again, lips brushing so lightly against Dan’s it made him shiver a little.

“I definitely do,” Dan said, biting his lip, trying and failing to hold back a giggle.

Phil smiled and kissed him again.

They must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because Dan woke up on Phil’s couch, his head on Phil’s chest and their limbs entangled. That wasn’t the most comfortable position to be in, but he had no intention of moving. He lifted himself up on one elbow, brushing a few strands of hair from Phil’s forehead. Phil stirred a little, eyes slowly opening and blinking a few times, a lazy smile forming on his lips when he saw Dan next to him.

“Hello there,” he said.

“Hi,” Dan grinned, leaning in for a kiss. “Mmh, morning breath,” he grimaced.

“Hey,” Phil protested. “Be nice.”

“I am nice! Just stating the truth,” he stuck out his tongue just a little.

He moved to try standing up, yelping and laughing when Phil grabbed his waist to pull him back next to him on the couch.

“Phil!”

“Stay here, you’re comfy. And warm,” he whined, burying his face into Dan’s curls.

“And hungry,” Dan raised an eyebrow. “Mind letting me get breakfast?”

Phil let out a deep, exaggerated sigh.

“Fiiine,” he caved in. “Only because I’m nice, and I like you a lot.”

“Thank you,” Dan dropped a kiss on his nose. “Should’ve known you were the cheesy and clingy type of boyfriend.”

“Mmmh,” Phil smiled.  “I like the sound of that.”

"What, that you're cheesy ?" 

"No!" Phil laughed, pretending to hit him on the arm. "Being your boyfriend." 

"Good," Dan grinned, "because I like that too. Onto more important questions, do you have cereal?" 

"Oh, way too much," Phil confessed. 

"See? We were meant to be," Dan said as he finally stood up, stretching and popping his neck. 

"Really? I thought fate wasn't a thing?" Phil pointed out, eyebrows raised. 

"It's early, get out of here with your logic," Dan shook his head and headed to the kitchen. "Want me to get you a bowl?" he called out.

"Please! Just get me whatever you're getting." 

Dan prepared the two bowls, bringing them back to the living room and smiling when Phil thanked him. They ate in silence for a while before Dan spoke up again. 

"Hey, we should talk about what this all means for us now, I guess." 

Phil nodded. "Yeah. I think… Maybe I'd like to keep it quiet for a little bit? I mean, since we're both kind of public figures or whatever. If that's fine with you?" 

"Yeah, of course. I'm not a fan of fishing things either," he smiled. "Let's just see how it goes for now, and we can see later if we want to go public or not?" 

"That sounds good," Phil smiled as well, leaning against Dan's shoulder. 

"Good," Dan said again. "Do you mind if I just tell Quinn? They're going to tease me to death if they think nothing's changed." 

"No, no, go ahead," Phil laughed a little. "You can tell whoever you like, as long as it's not like a public or official thing, I don't mind." 

"Okay, thank you! And the same goes for you, you know.”

“Thanks,” Phil smiled. “Go communication! Can I tempt you into watching some Queer Eye now?”

“Consider me tempted,” Dan nodded.

Phil laughed and grabbed the remote, turning on a random episode.

*

There was a tightness in Dan’s chest, one that he was used to when it was just minutes before walking on stage, mix of nervousness and excitement that got his breath stuck in his throat and sending shivers down his spine.

It wasn’t just the play, though, he knew Phil was planning something - after two months together, they had agreed on going public but still staying somewhat lowkey, and Phil had said he could handle it so Dan was letting him do it. Mostly, they just both wanted to put a stop to the rumours and people being annoying. But also, maybe Dan wouldn’t admit it, but he just wanted to show off to the world how lucky and happy he was.

It was just over a minute before the curtains opened and everyone was getting in position, whispering “merde” to each other as they walked past, fixing their costumes and mumbling their lines. Dan took a deep breath, closing his eyes to ground himself on stage and focus on his part. When he opened his eyes again, there was nothing else on his mind than his character, Sganarelle, and the story they all were about to tell, and at this moment, it was the only thing that mattered.

The curtains opened.

Dan was ecstatic when he stepped off the stage, the wide smile he couldn’t keep off his face almost starting to hurt his cheeks. He hugged a few of the actors as they congratulated each other, bright eyes and laughter everywhere backstage.

People didn’t talk enough of the high of being on stage, Dan didn’t know anything else that could get his heart racing and with both absolute fear and overpowering happiness like stage play did, and he could never get enough of it.

There was some agitation at the door just when Dan was about to go get changed, and he saw Phil walking his way until he could throw his arms around him and hug him tightly. Dan laughed.

“Hey, you’re not supposed to be there,” he pointed out. 

“I know, I know, I just really wanted to see you,” Phil smiled, bringing a hand up to Dan’s cheek. “God, I’m- I’m so proud of you,” he added in a murmur, leaning in to kiss him.

Dan laughed, wiping off some of his makeup that had transferred onto Phil’s face.

“Let me get changed and I’ll meet you back in the hall,” he said, taking a step back but letting his hand linger on Phil’s shoulder for just a little bit longer.

“Okay,” Phil placed a kiss on his forehead. “Don’t take too long,” he added as he started to walk away, back towards the door.

There was a wave of  “ooh” from all the other people in the room as soon as Phil was out of view and Dan laughed, promptly telling everyone to shut up before disappearing through a side door that lead to the dressing rooms.

He got changed quickly, careful not to accidentally damage the costume, took off his makeup that was starting to look like a complete mess, and put some order in his hair before walking back to the hall.

He saw Quinn first, their red curls always easy to spot in a crowd, and they engulfed him in a bone-crushing hug as soon as he got to them.

“That was amazing,” they smiled when they finally let him breathe. “You were so good!”

“Thank you,” he smiled back. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“As if I’d ever miss it,” they laughed. “Your mum’s over there, she left two seconds ago to go say hi to someone.”

“She always does that,” he shook his head and Quinn nodded in agreement. “Ah well, she’ll find us eventually.”

“Hey,” he heard Phil say behind him.

Dan grinned again, slipping his hand in his, and he caught Quinn’s eyes.

“You’re really doing this, huh?” they smiled softly. “That insta story was a good idea, too.”

“What insta story?” Dan asked.

It probably was Phil’s idea, but he hadn’t gotten the chance to see it yet. Phil pulled out his phone, showing him the picture of the play’s poster with the whole cast that he had posted, with two hearts next to Dan’s face. Dan laughed, quickly kissing him on the cheek.

“That was cute,” he said. 

“There you all are!” Dan’s mum exclaimed when she got up to them. “You must be Phil! It’s lovely to finally meet you.”

At this exact moment, Dan couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be than right there, surrounded by the people he loved the most, his heart overflowing with the feeling of home .

*

“Phil, what are y- wait, wait, I’m-” Dan was cut off by the stool sliding from under him, sending him tumbling on the ground. “Ow,” he rubbed his elbow, more by reflex than to alleviate actual pain.

“I’m sorry!” Phil exclaimed, crouching to his level. “Are you okay?”

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he took the hand Phil was offering to help him stand up. "How did you manage that?"

"My leg fell asleep and I fell against your seat," he pouted apologetically. "Sorry guys!"

They were at the Dawnstar Reporter 's offices again, and this time Phil was going to be on the June cover with him. It wasn't too usual to have the same person on the pride edition cover two years in a row, but apparently someone's boss had found it funny that Dan being on it last year was what eventually led to him and Phil getting together, and they hadn't protested. And Dan really wanted to see how well Phil did in a shoot - the answer apparently being terrible.

They did the pose again, this time neither of them falling over, and went to get changed into another outfit. Dan had to say, he really liked his, black ripped jeans with a hole at the knees and a black tee-shirt with a rainbow across the chest and sleeves, coupled with black docs that would nicely reflect the faint rainbow lighting and would get a really cool effect. (molly's art) Phil's was pretty good as well, albeit more simple, black skinny jeans and a black tee-shirt with the inscription "gay vibes" on the front, and his favourite NASA shoes. 

Dan kept having to bite back laughs whenever Phil did something unexpected, and that was way too often, but he couldn't think of an other shoot he'd done that had been funnier than this one. 

"What about this?" Phil asked, grabbing a pride flag that was on the back of a chair and draping it over his shoulders. (molly's art)

"You know what? Yeah, it works, actually," Maria said, behind the camera. "Go for it, man."

"I'm a gay superhero," he claimed with a wide grin. "Marvel should hire me."

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sigh that was turned into a chuckle against his will.

"Please stop saying that, I have to be serious now," he whined.

"Sorry," Phil giggled, lifting his hand up to ruffle his hair before realizing that would probably be a bad idea. "I'll be nice."

Dan just rolled his eyes and turned back towards the camera. "Let's finish this before he ruins everything."

He pretended not to have felt Phil hit his shoulder.

"What do you want to do now?" Phil asked after they had wrapped up everything, when they walked out of the building.

"I don't know," Dan shrugged. "I mean, I never did go back to that café we went to during pride last year, but I don't know how far we are from it."

"Mh, should be pretty close, actually? I haven't been in a while either, that would be nice."

"It's decided then! To the cute café we go," Dan said dramatically. "You lead the way, I've forgotten all about where it was."

Phil chuckled and shook his head just a little, before taking Dan's hand in his and heading towards what Dan could only hope was the right direction. 

They took their time getting there, enjoying the walk in the streets that were not too crowded for once, most likely thanks to the heat and the relative lateness in the day. Dan liked this, he decided, just enjoying the warm air against his face, chatting with Phil about nothing and everything - but mostly the interview Phil had with Quinn in a few days about their new book when it would be coming out. They hadn't let Dan read the manuscript for once, so he was eagerly waiting for the release day. He had no doubt it would be amazing, like the others, but curiosity was slowly killing him.

The café hadn’t changed a bit since the last year when they walked in, same peach coloured walls and plants wherever he looked, and there was a sense of comfort in that, seeing that some things stayed the same even if it felt like his world had been tilted to the side just a little, for the better.

June was always a busy month, he thought as he looked at Phil sat across the table, but he couldn’t have been happier to have accepted that interview a year ago.