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It’s 11 p.m., there’s a full moon shining brightly over Los Angeles, and BenDeLaCreme has just walked off the most important television show in queer history. (Arguably.)
And, listen, it’s not because he thinks he can’t win. Actually, he thinks he pretty much had it in the bag at this point, barring some weird twist from the judges. Ben has always believed it’s more about the journey, however, and not necessarily the destination and, quite frankly, he’s tired.
He’d turned down All Stars 2 for a number of reasons, the most pressing had been that he just didn’t think he had it in him to compete again. Didn’t think he could mentally withstand the constant scrutinization and criticism, both from the judges and from his own brain telling him that he isn’t enough, will never be enough, to win or succeed or thrive.
Then they’d called again. And Ben was in a better place mentally than he’d been in a long time, maybe ever, if he’s being honest. So he’d said yes.
And then the panic had set in.
Ben is nothing if not a perfectionist, and going back to Drag Race meant everything had to be flawless. There was no room for error, no chance for a misstep. If he was going back, he was going to win—nothing less. Nothing. Less.
So he sewed and commissioned a couple of pieces and barely slept for the two months leading up to their filming dates. But damn if he wasn’t proud of what he was bringing with him. The complete package. Ben’s never been a pageant queen, but he can recognize dedication and hard work when he sees it. (And he sees it in himself.)
Ben doesn’t consider himself incredibly talented, so when the variety show rolls around, he relies on his comedy. Knows he’ll never best Trixie’s singing or Aja’s dancing or even Milk’s Velcro fashion act. But he goes on stage and performs like he knows he can and somehow Ru is saying his name, calling him a winner, asking him to eliminate one of his sisters.
The first one is easy. Morgan has been open about her defiance of what Ben considers to be the established All Stars elimination rules. She’s a threat, and threats must be eliminated. Nothing personal. It’s just a game. But it weighs on him.
The second one is harder. ChiChi has grown tremendously; it breaks Ben’s heart to send her home so early, but the pack is thinning. It helps that Shangela also had her lipstick. That’s something. It’s still heavy.
Ben can feel the target on his back getting bigger. Just one misstep and he’s out the door. His brain keeps telling him he isn’t worthy, despite what the judges and his track records are saying.
So maybe he gets too into his own head during the Pop Art Ball. Maybe he subconsciously scales it back. Maybe he just doesn’t want to lip-sync that week. Trixie finally gets a much-needed win (Ben’s had her or Shangela picked to win in the end since day one because despite that brightening glimmer of hope that shines in his brain, he won’t really believe he stands a chance until the crown is on his head). Kennedy eliminates Aja, and then there are five. Half of them gone. Halfway there.
Then Ru brings back the eliminated queens, and seeing Morgan again brings every feeling from the season straight to the surface, especially after that confrontation. The uncomfortable weight becomes a vise on his heart. It’s dark and mean and clawing. It drags him down into the depths of his black brain.
The night before their Kitty Girl performance, Ben lies awake in his hotel and watches the way the moon moves across the sky. He thinks. He chews on the inside of his cheek. He considers his options.
Halfway through. Never in the bottom. Only safe once. Three lip-syncs. $10,000.
If he’s tasked with choosing more lipsticks, he isn’t sure he could handle it.
His depression has always been a heavy, ugly thing he’s carried around with him, forced down under the bubbly, cheery persona of BenDeLaCreme, but after a restless night, Ben can no longer fake a smile.
He acts the way he feels, and his mind is made up. He packs his bag for the studio that day and slips in a bottle of White-Out. Just in case.
Later, after Ben tells RuPaul he’s sending himself home in lieu of breaking the hearts of any more of his friends, after he hugs Kennedy and Shangela, after he kisses Trixie because he knows the race is hers now, Ben looks up at the moon and smiles.