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A couple of minutes past the hour of three in the morning and a default apple ringtone could be heard breaking and shattering the solace of the night.
Right on schedule.
For a long moment, Doyoung stared at the phone that was perched on his lap. He tried to resist, he really did. In the end, willpower lost to unidentified allure. Hands shaking, he grabbed the blaring device. Answering it. He brought the future cause of his death closer to his ear.
And with a shaky voice from lack of use, he spoke into the receiver. Into the void.
"Hello, Jaehyun."
He heard the muffled sounds of some hip-hop music Doyoung was sure he knew from somewhere and raucous laughter in the background. Doyoung could only hope he was somewhere safe.
"Doie!" The person on the other line giggled.
Of course Jaehyun was drunk.
Wasted.
High.
What was Doyoung expecting?
"Guess what, hyung! Your mom called me today. She thought we were together because you weren't answering your phone and she said you only do that when you're preoccupied with me. I had to tell her we both had busy schedules so we haven't been hanging out lately. I've always been a good liar, right hyung?"
Doyoung had to reign in a sarcastic laugh. Even a second grader could lie better than Jaehyun. He had always seen right through them. Or maybe that was just him. Because he'd like to think he knew Jaehyun better than anyone in this world, this universe, this lifetime. Doyoung wished the boy also knew him better than anyone too.
Saying nothing, he allowed Jaehyun to continue, "Anyway, I missed you this week. I saw you with Taeyong and Johnny in the library the other day. I wanted to drop by and say hi but I don't think you'd appreciate it. I have been bothering you enough lately."
He made himself comfortable on his bed, pulling the comforter up to reach his chin. It's been quite chilly lately. Mid winter and all. But he had always been a fan of the cold, dare he say that it never bothered him anyway. Oh, and there was the recently abandoned space on the other side of the room where Ten used to occupy. Ten who was currently halfway across the world to chase his dreams.
He heard Jaehyun exclaim after a stretch of silence, "Ooh, hyung! The walls are moving!"
Shutting his eyes, Doyoung pictured Jaehyun's handsome radiant face, brown eyes unfocused, giddy from whatever he was on. But still so painfully beautiful.
"Doie, do you remember the song your mom and my mom made us sing all the time back in middle school? 'How Deep Is Your Love'? I heard that song on the radio today and I thought of you. Can you sing it to me again, someday? Can we sing it together?"
Choking back a sob, Doyoung pressed the palm of his free hand to his closed eyelids. Why couldn't he just end the fucking call?
"Because you are weak for him," the voice inside his head supplied quite pointedly. It's not far from the truth, though. Doyoung's always had a weak spot for his Jaehyunnie.
Not really focusing on what the other boy was saying anymore, Doyoung vaguely heard him go on about things that happened to him that week, things that Doyoung used to hear in person. Up until one day when it just ceased.
Because Jaehyun had stopped answering his calls. He had stopped reaching out. Again.
Things weren't always this complicated between the two of them. Sure, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies but it was so, so much simpler back then. When they only had each other. When everyday didn't feel like an episode of Doyoung and Jaehyun vs. the world. These past couple of years had just been real shit to him. To them.
But it was unmistakable: the Jaehyun-shaped hole in his life.
To make sure his thoughts did not stray towards dangerous and uncharted waters, Doyoung tried tuning in again to the drunk boy's blabbering. He caught the end of a sentence.
"... then Mark arrived and suddenly, Kunhang, Dejun and I weren't in the room to the both of them anymore. Yukhei was all over him in a second. It was disgusting. Never wanted to bleach my eyes so bad. Going back, I'm glad you and your-" Jaehyun's voice wavered before plowing through anyway, "-boyfriend aren't so bad. Yeah. I'm glad."
Boyfriend. Did Doyoung still have one?
Weren't relationships supposed to be all about compromises? Because these days, it felt like he was the only one compromising.
Doyoung had been meaning to talk to Kun soon. Things just weren't okay between them and hadn't been for weeks now. Doyoung knew that, accepted it already. They both wanted and prioritized different things, perhaps even from the very beginning.
But the present was not about Kun. It was about a certain dimpled boy.
Was it still a surprise to anyone that everything in Doyoung's life inevitably circled back to Jung Jaehyun?
"Okay, I uh- won't keep you long. I know you're tired. Why you still bother picking up my calls even after all the... inconveniences I have caused you baffles me. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it." A bitter chuckle from Jaehyun made its way to Doyoung, the sound making it a little bit hard for him to breathe.
Doyoung wanted to answer him, to ask him, that if Jaehyun knew that this whole situation was but one big inconvenience, why couldn't he just put an end to it? Why couldn't he talk to Doyoung again like a normal person, in broad daylight? Without having to be under the influence of anything. Completely sober.
Why did he only call Doyoung when he's high?
He didn't ask any of those though, no matter how itchy and restless it made him. He couldn't.
Because despite loathing the bizarre set up they had going on, it was still the most he had heard from Jaehyun in months.
And Doyoung would gladly take what he could get. He was greedy like that.
Once he was absolutely sure the other boy didn't have anything else to say for the night, Doyoung breathed out,
"Goodnight, Jaehyun. Stay safe."
Just like he had the last time. And all the other times before that.
"Good night Doie. I miss you. I always miss you."
The line cut dead, leaving Doyoung, his head and his heart, reeling in the darkness.