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Tony knocked on the door to the Parker’s apartment at 6:09pm, which meant he was late. “Come in!” came a muffled shout from behind the door. Tony stepped in, the scent of something burnt hanging lightly in the air. May, meanwhile, was poking at some sort of casserole on the stove. “Hello, Tony! Thanks for coming to dinner on such short notice.” She waved the spatula at him, beckoning him to join her at the stove. “Do you think this is salvageable?”
The cheese on top was a dark brown, opposed to what he assumed was supposed to be golden. Around the edges, it was definitely more carbon than cheese. Before Tony could offer advice, May continued. “Maybe we can just eat from the middle.” She took the spatula and cut into the casserole. On the second cut, there was a crunch. “Or we’ll have takeout. What do you like on your pizza, Tony?”
“Pepperoni is fine.”
“Pick a vegetable. Or pineapple.”
“Why? And who even likes pineapple on pizza?”
“Peter likes pineapple. And if every pizza has a vegetable on it, then he can’t avoid them.”
“I like green peppers.”
“Great! I’ll order and have Peter pick it up when he gets back.” She gestured Tony towards the living room. “I’ll be back with some water after I place the order.”
Tony sat down on the couch and pulled out his phone. He debated calling Peter and asking him to explain where he was. On a hunch, he opened up the app that tracked his suit, and it revealed that he was out Spidermanning. He thought about calling him but instead texted Karen, asking her to tell Peter that he needed to come home because May wanted him to pick up dinner.
As he placed his phone back into his pocket, May came into the room with two glasses of water. She handed one to Tony and held onto the other one as she sat down at the other end of the couch. “Pizza should be ready in about 25 minutes. Sorry for the wait.”
“I assure you, it’s fine. Peter isn’t even here yet.” He took a sip of water before setting it down on the coffee table.
“He seemed nervous about something, so I told him he could go out as Spiderman for a few hours.” She glanced at her phone. “But he should’ve been back by now. I told him to be back a 6:00pm, 6:15 at the latest. I should call him.”
Tony waved his hand. “Don’t worry, I already texted him. I told him he was in charge of picking up dinner so he needed to come home.”
Before May could respond, a muted thump could be heard from one of the bedrooms. A few seconds later, Peter walked into the living room, his suit still on, sans mask. “What’s up my dudes? It’s Saturday!”
Tony chuckled while May sighed and stared at Peter, unamused. “It was funny the first time you did it, not the 39th.”
“He’s done this before?”
“Yes, whenever we have company over, aka Ned and MJ.”
Peter scowled, crossing his arms over his chest. “Ned finds me hilarious.”
“I’m pretty sure he only finds it funny because it’s based off a Vine.”
“Seriously, kid?”
“I can’t believe you’re surprised by this, Mr. Stark. My one goal in life is to become a meme as Peter Parker. Spiderman already has plenty.” He grinned as Tony looked at him in disbelief. He turned back towards his bedroom. “I’ll see you guys after I pick up the pizza.” He dabbed once before going into his room and closing the door.
May calmly sipped her water as Tony processed Peter’s conversation. “How… What… Was that a fever dream or something?” He rubbed his hand across his eyes as if that would help him understand what just came out of Peter’s mouth.
“You mean he isn’t like this at all with you?” May smirked.
“Is it that obvious?”
“The longer he spoke, the more confused you became.” She laughed, “That’s how he usually is around me.”
“The most I’ve seen him do is quote one of those Vines and watch him dissolve into giggles with Wanda. And what was with that pose at the end?”
Peter stepped out of his room. “It’s called a dab, Mr. Stark. Some might say it’s out of date, but don’t believe them. It’s still cool.” He sat down on the couch and tied his shoes.
“Speaking of things that are cool,” May began, “one of them is coming home on time when you know people are coming over.”
Peter, well aware that May was about to lecture him, planned his escape. Glancing at his phone, he proclaimed, “Wow, would you look at the time? Yeet!” He jumped off the couch and was out the door before either adult could stop him.
They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Tony broke the peace. “What the hell is a ‘yeet’?”
“It’s another Vine reference.” May smiled sweetly.
“Of course it is. Please remind me to never introduce Peter to Shuri.”
“Shuri, as in the Princess of Wakanda?”
“The one and only. She loves those Vines at least as much as he does, if what T’Challa claims is true. She’s also uber smart. She could take over the whole world by herself. But put Peter and her together, and they would take over the solar system at the very least.”
“Wow! That’s impressive!” May knew that Tony did not throw around such high praise often.
“Yep. You do not want her as an enemy. She’s also the head of Wakanda’s science division.”
“You know, telling me all of Shuri’s accomplishments makes me want to meet her even more, or at least have Peter meet her. Think of all the amazing things they could come up with and create.”
“Trust me, I am very aware that Peter and Shuri meeting would be a good thing, but I don’t think I can handle it.”
“Well, I believe that a few hours of discomfort are worth it to allow two teens with similar interests become friends.” May picked up her empty glass. “Would you like more water?” Tony shook his head and May filled up her glass. As she was coming back, the front door opened.
“I have returned with the pizza.” Peter toed his shoes off by the door before placing the pizza on the table. “And by the way, Mr. Stark,” Peter joined him on the couch, “I believe that Shuri and I would be Chaotic Good because I’m Lawful Good and she’s Chaotic Neutral. And before you ask, I heard the tailend of the conversation from the hall.”
That answered one of Tony’s questions. “What does being Lawful Good have to do with anything?”
“It’s where I’m located on the alignment chart.” Peter stated matter-of-factually, as if that cleared everything up.
Before Tony could respond, May called out, “Finish explaining at the table.”
Once everyone was seated and pizza was doled out, Tony asked the obvious question. “What is an alignment chart? Does it have to do with your astrological sign?”
Peter placed his piece of ham and pineapple pizza back on his plate and eagerly started explaining them to his mentor, speaking a mile a minute. “No, Mr. Stark, they have nothing to do with your sun and moon signs. That’s something completely different. Your alignment chart is a reflection of who you are as a person. You can be one of nine possibilities.
“There are two differnet groups, and one word from each group is placed together to form your alignment. The first group consists of Lawful, Neutral, and Chaotic. The second group consists of Good, Neutral, and Evil. You pick one from each group that describe your actions and/or what you identify as, and that’s you’re alignment.
“For example, I’m Lawful Good, but Spiderman’s more towards a Neutral Good, in my opinion. May is Neutral Good. MJ is Chaotic Neutral unless you get on her bad side. Then she shifts into a Neutral Evil. But that doesn’t happen often.
“Also, very few people identify as a true neutral, aka neutral neutral. Is this all making sense?”
“Uh… Yes?”
“Great!” Peter took a bite of pizza before continuing. “If you want a visual representation I can show you after dinner.
“Anyways, I wouldn’t be too worried about Shuri and I becoming a Chaotic Good pair. A lot of the Avenger alignment charts I’ve seen place you into the same category.”
Tony almost choked on his water. Peter didn’t notice, but May did, smirking at him. “Really?”
“Yeah! If you’re not listed under Chaotic Good, then the second place spot goes to Lawful Good.”
“I thought that Spangles would hold that spot 100% of the time.”
“People either place him there or at Lawful Neutral. Idk why.” Peter took another bite of pizza. “There’s other types of alignment charts, but that one is the original.”
Before Peter can launch into a spiel about other types of such charts, May cut him off. “So, Tony, you’re probably wondering why I asked you to join us for dinner on such short notice.”
“Yes, but I don’t mind.”
May nodded, “I was wondering if you could put a new protocol in his suit. I wanted to talk to both of you, about it. That way we are all in agreement. Today was the first day I knew all of us were free, which explains the short notice.”
“It’s no problem at all, May,” Tony assured her.
Peter, meanwhile looked completely relieved. His shoulders were no longer tense and he spoke at a normal speed. “What type of protocol do you want to add?”
“Well, I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that you’ve come home late more than a few times. And I don’t mean a few minutes late. That I can understand. But coming back a half hour later again and again worries me.
“I would like you to put a system in place that reminds Peter when he is due back home. If he is going to be more than five minutes late, I would like to receive a message of some sort explaining way. Finally, I would like Karen to dock off the amount of time he was late from his next patrol.”
Tony contemplated for a moment. “All three of those suggestions can easily be added into the suit. I should be able to add them remotely, so Peter doesn’t even need to bring his suit to the lab.” May nodded in approval.
Glancing at the teen who was slowly sinking into his chair, he asked, “What’s been making you late so much?”
Peter sat up a little straighter. “Well… umm… one time there was a mugging I stopped. Another time it was an ATM robbery, and the other times I lost track of the time, I guess.”
Tony nodded thoughtfully. “Let’s iron out the details of what you,” he gestured to May with a piece of crust, “would like the suit to do. Karen already tells Peter when his curfew arrives.”
“Does she only warn him when it is his curfew?”
“She does give a five minute warning.”
“I would like that warning to be extended to 15 minutes before curfew, with another reminder every five minutes until he is back. Maybe you can add a countdown so he knows exactly how much time he has.”
“How does that sound, Peter?”
“Okay. But don’t make the countdown flash. It could distract me if I’m fighting someone.”
“Great, one down, three to go. Moving onto your next request, I can definitely design a protocol that has Peter send you a message.” Peter opened his mouth to say something, but Tony beat him to it. “If you can’t verbally send a message, Karen can send one for you.”
Turning towards May, he added, “I can set up your phone with an app that has Karen on it. That way you can communicate with Peter, among other things, when he’s patrolling and can’t talk.”
“That would be great, right Peter.” She nudged him in the shoulder.
He sighed. “Mr. Stark already tracks me, so you should too.” He visibly brightened when he continued, “Plus, if you message through the app, your phone won’t make that annoying chirping noise it makes whenever you receive a text. Instead it’ll just show up in your notifications.”
“I know you secretly love the chirps.”
“I really don’t. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.”
“Think of it as payback for the Vines you quote over and over again. They are pretty stale at this point.”
Peter gasped, clutching his chest. “You take that back. Vine itself may be dead, but the Vines will live forever. They are still hilarious. After a few seconds of quiet, he added, “Thor loves them,” as if that tidbit meant he won the argument.
“Woah, Underoos, you’re starting to emulate me too much with the dramatics.” Getting the conversation back on track, Tony motioned to May. “What was the third item you want added to his suit?”
“I know I can’t stop him from being Spiderman, but I want him to understand the curfews should be followed. I would like Karen to dock off the amount of time he has to patrol based on how late he was the previous evening, rounded to the nearest minute.”
“Seriously, May? I think it’s a bit ridiculous to have a minute taken off of patrol because I was one minute late.”
“We can always round it to the nearest five.” She smirked. “But I’ll give you five minutes of leeway. If you make it back before time’s up, you won’t be docked. How does that sound?”
“That sounds better.”
“That doesn’t mean you can return at five minutes past curfew every night. If you’re late-late more than three times out of the previous seven patrols, you lose five minutes on the next one.” Looking at Tony, she asked, “You can do that, right?”
“Of course I can.”
“Wait,” Peter put his hand out in front of him. “I have a question. How will you decrease the amount of time spent on patrol?”
“Karen will move your curfew to however earlier it needs to be based on your previous patrol,” Tony stated matter-of-factually. “Or I can allow May to manually set it in the app.”
“I like both options, Tony. Especially the second one. That way he won’t be late when we have guests over.”
“Consider it done!” He grinned.
“Can we please add exceptions to this protocol?” Peter asked hopefully.
“Of course. What were you thinking of, sweetie?”
“If I’m injured, I don’t think I should be docked for being late. For example, if I hurt my shoulder, I can’t swing as fast, so I could be late without meaning to be.”
“How about it’s on a case-by-case basis?”
Peter nodded in assent. “Also, can I have one free no early curfew for every 14 days I patrol?”
May thought for a minute. “You can have one ‘I’m late’ forgiveness per calendar month, or twelve in total for the year.”
“Thanks!”
“But, it can only be used on curfews where you were late by 30 minutes or less.”
“Can we change it to 45 minutes late?”
“35 minutes. It’s my final offer.”
“Fine then. Deal at 35 minutes.”
“Great! Tony, when do you think you’ll have this all done?”
“Monday at the earliest, Wednesday at the latest.”
“Thanks so much for doing this.”
He waved her statement off. “It’s no problem. I’ll do anything you ask if it’ll relieve your worries.”
May clapped her hands together, signalling a change in the overall mood of the table. “Now that we are done talking business, who wants dessert?” She was already clearing the pizza boxes off the table.
“I should go help her.” Peter stood up to start collecting plates when Tony’s hand latched onto his. “Yes, Mr. Stark?”
“Do you know what she made for dessert?” he whispered, thinking about the burnt casserole he saw when he walked in.
“Some Jello recipe. May’s been on a kick of it ever since she discovered she can make it without ruining it a few weeks ago. I’ve enjoyed every recipe she’s made so far.” Tony let go of his arm and he cleared the table before placing down bowls and spoons.
May followed Peter back to the table, carrying a mixing bowl with cling wrap over the top and a serving spoon. She set it down in the middle and peeled off the plastic. Sticking the serving spoon into it, she presented it to the other two. “This is called Jello Fluff. It’s made from orange Jello and whipped cream, and includes mandarin oranges and crushed pineapple.”
“This looks great, May! Thanks so much for making it!” Peter started doling out the Jello out to everyone.
“So, Tony, have I ever told you about when Peter got his tonsils out?” May asked once everyone had some in front of them.
The teen in question froze with his spoon halfway to his mouth before setting it back in his bowl. “May, please don’t embarrass me today.”
“And here I thought it was one of my duties as your aunt.”
“Oh, it is definitely one of your duties,” Tony agreed while poking at his dessert. “Please, tell me more.”
Peter sighed and grumbled something under his breath before picking up his spoon and swirling it through his Jello mixture.
“Thanks for the support, sweetie!” May exclaimed before starting the story. “Peter was eight years old at the time. Ben was working, so I was with him the day he had them removed. We arrived about 90 minutes before the surgery so the nurses could get him ready to go.
“He was worried, but he was putting a brave face on, modelling after his favorite superhero.” May glanced at Tony. “You should’ve seen how cute he looked, wearing his Iron Man pajamas and clutching his Iron Man plushie.”
“May! Really!” Peter groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Why has God forsaken me?”
Tony placed his hand on Peter’s shoulder. He waited for the teen to look at him before speaking. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Heroes are meant to protect people, and I obviously helped you that day in the form of a plushie. Besides, I’m sure there are plenty of kids who look up to Spiderman the same way you looked up to me. So, there’s no need to feel ashamed for liking Iron Man, okay?”
“I guess, Mr. Stark.” Turning to May, he gestured, “You can continue the story.”
“A bit before his surgery was to begin, a nurse came in with medication that was supposed to make him sleepy. Peter ended up spitting about half of it out because he didn’t like the taste and wasn’t allowed to wash it down with any water. He then became hyperactive, running around the room with his plushie, saving civilians from fires and aliens.
“I could understand that a bit of his hyperness was probably just nerves, as he never had surgery before. But Peter acted as if I fed him 20 tablespoons of sugar for breakfast. The nurse couldn’t explain it either.
“He did calm down a bit before he had to go to surgery. Everything went according to plan. In the recovery room afterwards, however, he was very disappointed because he was given applesauce to eat before he was discharged.”
Peter pointed his spoon at May. “I wanted a popsicle. Ned told me that when his tonsils were removed, he got a popsicle, so I was expecting to get one too.”
“I believe you ate at least three dozen popsicles while your were recovering. After we cut you off from ice cream, Ben would give them to you whenever you would ask, aka all the time.”
“Why did you cut him off from ice cream?” Tony inquired.
“The day after he had his tonsils removed, Ben took him out for ice cream and let him order whatever he wanted. Peter ordered Rocky Road. It was his favorite flavor at the time, but not the best choice for someone dealing with a very sore throat. After that, he was stuck with the tub of vanilla in the freezer. He was allowed to have it once a day, thus why he ate so many popsicles.”
“Hey, I wasn’t the only one eating popsicles! Ned had some too!”
“How could I forget about Ned? He called the day of your surgery asking if you were okay. Even after I reassured him that you were fine, he insisted he needed to talk to you to be sure. Seeing as you were asleep, his mom and I arranged for him to come over a few days later. He still called at least once a day to talk with you until then.”
“So Ned has always been this kind, considerate, and dedicated?”
Peter nodded. “Pretty much, Mr. Stark. It’s just his personality. Plus, he was returning the favor in a way. When Ned had his tonsils removed, I made sure to call him daily too.” Suddenly, his tone shifted acerbly. “And you know what the first thing he said to me when he sees me?”
“No…?” Tony caught May smirking out of the corner of his eye.
“He comes up to me and says ‘You sound like Mickey Mouse.’ I know he said it because he thought it was cool, but I didn’t appreciate it.”
“He locked himself in his room for about 20 minutes before Ned’s apologies were accepted,” May clarified. After a pause, she added, “And Ned said it because it was true.”
Peter scowled as Tony tried and failed to contain a snicker. “Do you have any recordings of his Mickey voice?”
“Sadly, no. I wish I did though. He sounded so cute.” May was quiet for a moment looking wistful before continuing. “That time Ned came over also resulted in Peter attempting to burn his esophagus off.”
“You are blowing it completely out of proportion!” Peter exclaimed.
“I wasn’t the one who decided to inhale their mac and cheese without cooling it off first.”
“So I might have burnt my throat…”
“You did burn your already sore throat because you didn’t wait.” May angled her next statement towards Tony. “I only gave him the mac and cheese because he said he would be careful. The doctor didn’t want him eating hot foods for another day or two. That incident is another reason why Peter ate so many popsicles while recovering.”
“Well, based on what I’ve heard, I definitely understand why you gave me the warning you did when he had his wisdom teeth removed. It seems like he’s always been a trouble maker.” Tony smiled cheekily at Peter.
“Why did you mention that, Mr. Stark?” Peter hissed.
“Baby, I already know what happened after I left when your wisdom teeth were removed.” May watched Peter relax, but he tensed again at his aunt’s next words. “Sure, Tony glossed over a few things, but both FRIDAY and Pepper sent me in the right direction.”
“I KNEW that this dinner was a ploy to talk about what happened that day. Well, it was nice knowing you, Mr. Stark.”
“No, I asked Tony to join us because I wanted those new protocols added into your suit. I did want to talk about what happened, but no one is in trouble.” She placed her hand on her nephew’s shoulder. “Peter, there is no blame on your part, as you were not in the right state of mind.”
“See, I told you May wouldn’t be mad at you, Kid. You were worried over nothing.”
“And Tony, you did mess up, but you more than made up for it. You didn’t expect Thor to be there, and you handled the situation to the best of your ability. You did an amazing job with getting Peter off the ceiling. You used your resources to your advantage, and he came down a lot quicker than during the Finals Incident.
“After that, you pretty much stuck with him until he went home the next day, save when Pepper told you to eat. You refused to let Peter out of your sight because you didn’t want him to end up on the ceiling again, or do something else that would’ve definitely ended in disaster.
“You did a great job watching him when I couldn’t, and I’m immensely thankful for that.”
“It was my pleasure, May, and know I would do it again in a heartbeat.”
Peter stood up with his bowl and spoon. “If you guys are done talking about me, we can watch a movie. It’s my turn to pick, and I choose Spaceballs.”
“I honestly expected you to chose a Star Wars film.”
“I was going to, but then I remembered that this movie is from the same era as those rom-coms you insist on watching whenever Pepper is out of town.” Peter stated quite innocently as he opened the dishwasher.
“Really?”
“Wh-What?” Tony sputtered. “May, I have no idea what he’s talking about.”
“Last time we watched Sleepless in Seattle, and the time before that it was You’ve Got Mail.” The teen was positively beaming at throwing him off his game.
“I never would have pegged Tony Stark as a guy who willingly watches rom-coms. Good for you. Keep showing them to Peter; maybe if he sees enough, he’ll stop complaining whenever I chose one for movie night.”
Peter knew to surrender. He sighed while closing the dishwasher. “You know what, let’s just clear the table and watch the movie. I’ve had enough of you two conspiring against me tonight.”
“I second that motion.” May walked over to the dishwasher and gave the a side hug. “You know we’re only teasing you because we larb you.”
“Of course. I larb you, too.”