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Language:
English
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Published:
2019-07-31
Updated:
2019-08-15
Words:
2,481
Chapters:
5/?
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2
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58
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In Memoriam

Summary:

The memory of Fallen is a funny thing. No one remembers much of their time Before, or if they do, they do not speak much of it, at least not any more. Wouldn’t be right, demons going around reminiscing about Heaven and what they lost.

Crowley categorizes his own memories in three different groups.

The things he has forgotten that he wishes to remember.
The things he will lie about remembering, or more accurately lie about not remembering.
The thing he remembers that he wishes with every fiber of his being that he could forget.

Notes:

Where am I going with this? I have a vague idea. It’s been a long time since I’ve really written anything and this is technically my first fanfic. Definitely the first I’m putting it out there. I’ve just have the three categories stuck in my find for, well three days, so I’m getting this out and hoping other people can enjoy it, even if it’s not coming out quite like I want it to.

I don’t have a beta reader and I tried not to reread this too many times for the simple fact that it would never get finished since I’m horribly critical of myself. Also getting the hang of the whole tagging thing. Will adjust the tags, and rating, as appropriate.

Chapter 1: Things Forgotten

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Crowley, if ever asked 1, would describe his memories of his time as an angel as follows.

It was like staring through the water of a particularly turbulent stream. General shapes could be identified--rocks here, a fish there--but the details were generally lost amongst the ripples of movement 2. In his case, the rocks were memories of actions, the fish, memories of the angels he shared them with.

What he remembers most clearly are stars.

He remembers creating stars with such clarity that he sometimes wonders if it's fake. Given the mess that was his memories, he wouldn't have put it past Her, but at the corner of those memories is the vague shapes of other angels that had been there creating stars with him, so it must be real. He remembers the warm feeling of happiness with each new galaxy he painted across the vast emptiness of space. The joy he felt when it caused such wonder and delight in those he showed them to.

Yet he can't remember who he showed it to. If it was one angel or many. He only remembers the emotions attached to the encounters. 3

A proper demon would happily forget their time from Before. They had lost their war, been cast out of Heaven. There was nothing left for them up there except for enemies to face when the final battle came around. Better off forgetting completely.

But Crowley had never been much of a proper demon. Late at night when he is alone with nothing but his thoughts and the half forgotten memories of Before, he desperately wishes he could remember who he shared the stars with.

Notes:

1He is. Once before the End of the World, by Aziraphale and some time after the End of the World, by Adam. Because of course, it didn’t End.

2Truthfully, Aziraphale is the one who comes up with the analogy after Crowley has explained it in a much more round about way. To be fair, there had been a lot of alcohol in his system. That wouldn’t stop him from using it the next time he was asked.

3Which isn’t to say he doesn’t remember the names or faces of angels he knows he has met, but that’s more like looking at a catalogue of ‘who’s who’ in his mind. He sees them, knows them, but doesn’t remember anything of his relationship with them, if they had anything of the sort.